Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

11. Name a bird with a long neck.
Naomi Campbell.

[southdown]

I asked a Scottish man if he thought I had bad spots.

He replied "acccchhhhhh-neeeeeeeeeeeeeee son."

[Orior]

Why people like Hardy and Shamrock Shore don't get recruited....


An elderly gent goes for a job interview.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think"

Okay, okay, version 2.....


A handsome young man goes for a job interview.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Orior: "Fat birds"

[DoYerJob Linesman]

Teacher:  Two negatives will always make a positive, but two positives can never make a negative.

Pupil:  Aye right.

[seafoid]

A man from Poland goes to the optician who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.  "Can you read this?" the optician asks.  "Read it?" the man replies, "I even know the guy."

[laoislad]

I took a girl home from a club last night.As we got inside my house I said, "you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
""ohhhhhhhhhh" she smiled, "have a big c**k do we?"
I locked the door and said, "no,I'm going to cut off your feet."

[southdown]

I sang a song last night about a tortilla.

To be honest, it was more of a rap...

[Orior]

I took a girl home from a club last night.As we got inside my house I said, "you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
""ohhhhhhhhhh" she smiled, "have a big c**k do we?"
I locked the door and said, "no,I'm going to cut off your feet."

Which country did that joke originate from?

[Hardy]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was torn off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new set of equipment that will work as well as your old one did; better in fact! But the thing is, it's expensive. It's €1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have".

"And what's the decision?"
"We're having granite worktops."

[BarryBreensBandage]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was torn off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new set of equipment that will work as well as your old one did; better in fact! But the thing is, it's expensive. It's €1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have".

"And what's the decision?"
"We're having granite worktops."

Brilliant

[Hardy]

Is this a picture of your wife, Sir?
- Yes, it is.

I'm afraid it seems she's been involved in a car accident.
- I know, but she has a great personality.

[laoislad]

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks from the washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

[seafoid]

Six Phases of a Project
1.   Enthusiaism
2.   Disillusionment
3.   Panic
4.   Search for the guilty
5.   Punishment of the innocent
6.   Praise and honours for the non-participants

[Orior]

The wife made a lasagne for dinner and added ginger on top, but the kids refused to eat it







To be fair, they loved that cat.

[Hardy]

Haiku by John Cooper Clarke:
To convey one's mood in seventeen syllables is very diffic