Corny One for Friday

[Olly]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[Olly]

Two devils were arguing over the ownership of a lost soul.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[Olly]

Two umpires at a game were killing time by acting the cod.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[Hardy]

This couple were having a big row and giving each other the silent treatment and he'd moved into the spare room.

On about the third night as he was about to go to sleep, the bloke realised he had no alarm clock in the spare room and he had to be up at 5:00 a.m. to catch a flight. There was nothing for it but to ask the wife to wake him up, but he didn't want to be the first to break the silence.

So he wrote a note - "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." – and went into her room, handed it to her, went back to the spare room and went to bed.

The next morning, he woke up to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he'd missed his flight. Then  he noticed a piece of paper on the locker by the bed. It said, "It's 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

[Niall Quinn]

Two folk dancers in Central Africa were attempting a 'Congo Reel'.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[Orior]

A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First, he goes to hire a suit, but there is a long line at the dress hire shop and it takes forever.

Next, he goes to buy some flowers, but there is a huge line at the florists. He waits forever, and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads off to hire a limousine, but there is a long line at the car rental. However he is patient and eventually gets a limo.

Finally on the night of the prom, he is dancing with his girlfriend and he asks her if she would like a drink. She says she would like some punch, and he goes over to the table, but guess what, there is no punch line.

[Onion Bag]

Orior, you need your hole kicked for that

[armaghniac]

My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."

[ziggysego]

My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."

Onion Bag, it's armaghniac that needs kicked in the hole.

[armaghniac]

Onion Bag, it's armaghniac that needs kicked in the hole.

Have yous no sense of humour up in them mountains in Tyrone.

anyway for something different

There was a Cistercian monk
Who fell asleep in a bunk
He dreamt that Venus
Was sucking his elbow
And he woke up all covered in perspiration.

[Hardy]

A Customs officer called to a farm in Louth. He told the old farmer, "We have reason to suspect there are illegal drugs hidden or buried in this general area and I'm here to check your land". "Grand," said the farmer, "but," he pointed, "don't go into that field over there".

The Customs man lost his cool immediately. "Mister, I have the authority of the Revenue Commissioners!" he shouted as he pulled out his ID badge. "You see this badge? This badge means I go wherever I like! On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The farmer nodded and went back to his work.

A while later, the old farmer heard roaring and bellowing. He looked up to see yer man running for his life, chased by the farmer's big Limousin bull, which was gaining ground with every step as the Customs man screamed for help.

The farmer put down his tools, ambled over to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[laoislad]

My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs

[take_yer_points]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[illdecide]

Thats the same as the Cliff Richard joke...

Cliff Richard plays in Japan and the we Japenese guy shouts up "play itchy fanny play itchy fanny" and Cliff Ignores him for ages until finnally he asks what is itchy fanny and the Japenese guy sings...Itchy fanny why we don't talk any more...

[Hardy]

True story, allegedly.

Overheard in a Cork pub:

Yer an awful langer. If there was a competition for the biggest langer in Ireland, you'd come second.
- And why would'n' I win it?

Cos yer a langer!