Corny One for Friday

[Declan]

Was going to put this on the Roruy McIlroy thread

Northern Ireland National Identity


So this is for the benefit of all my friends who are confused or alarmed by the recent images being broadcast around the world, given that we are now 15 years into the peace process..

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning 'placebo', or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and bi-products. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are totally opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

I trust this clarifies things and has answered many previously unanswered questions for you

[Hardy]

Excellent.

[Hardy]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower - Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".

Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Coot's widow.'
"She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Billys Boots]

It was December 1987 and a Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg at night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

[laoislad]

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.

[Orior]

Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?

[ziggysego]

Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?

Keith Chegwin.

[Hardy]

Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?

There are new jokes?

[Aristo 60]

If that was a new joke it would have been a skillet and not a frying pan and joanne would have been trevor or mike or maybe alphonsus.

[Orior]

I had to get the wife a birthday present so dashed down town today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.

Feck it, I'll stick a tenner in her card.

[Orior]

I just passed a man who had parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road.

I don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring, though.

[Orior]

Yesterday I was so hungry I could eat a ....,

So I bought some Tesco burgers. Well, I horsed them into me.

And all last night I had the trots.

But this morning I'm feeling stable. What were the odds on that?

Tonight I'm gonna try Tesco's Unicorn on the Cob.

Breaking news: Tesco barcodes getting confused by zebras running around the stores.

No more jokes - I'm flogging a dead horse here.

[seafoid]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia

[Orior]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia

Freudian slip there seafoid?

[ziggysego]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia

Freudian slip there seafoid?