Corny One for Friday

[southdown]

Did you hear about the dead lettuce? Big turnip at the funeral

[BarryBreensBandage]

What do you do with a dead Chemist?

Barium

[Onion Bag]

I went to the zoo the other day!

There was only one dog in it!

It was a shihtzu!

[Harold Disgracey]

[Bud Wiser]

Just putting out the bins this morning and a lady walks by who for the fifth time in as many years is pregnant.
'Congratulations - again' sez I.
'Yeah, thanks she sez, must be something in the air around here'
Well sez I, 'did you ever think it might be your fooking legs'

[Hardy]

Who to insure your sex life with:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust
Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare
Sex with a ladyboy – Confused.com

[BarryBreensBandage]

When I was at school, my favourite class was Geography, which I was naturally good at, and the teacher, a genius, and I got on famously.
Ah, the memories.... I wouldn't swap those days for all the tea in Denmark.

[Fender]

Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were talking a psychology class.

Teacher asks Englishman "whats the opposite of joy?" to which he replies "sorrow"

He asks Scotsman, " whats the opposite of depression?" to which he says "happiness!"

He then asks Irishman "whats the opposite of woe?"

Irishman replies "giddy up"

[Orior]

[Hardy]

Exciting new VHI Plan

You're retired and ill and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. What do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You then shoot four Politicians!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison. There you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

Who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that's just told you they can't afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.

Is this a great country or what?

[Billys Boots]

Sign me up ...

[gerrykeegan]

Exciting new VHI Plan

You're retired and ill and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. What do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You then shoot four Politicians!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison. There you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

Who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that's just told you they can't afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.Is this a great country or what?

Proceeds of crime, taxed under Schedule D Case IV s.18 (2) TCA 1997

[Declan]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

[armaghniac]

the old puns are the best

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds .

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!

Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[illdecide]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop
her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and
asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


For some reason, wives tend to like this joke......