Corny One for Friday

[All of a Sludden]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to find the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. However, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous; had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would be her horrible deformed self half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?











Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

things are going to get ugly.

[Shamrock Shore]

No offence AOAS but I want that minute back please!

[Lecale2]

Me too

[glens73]

http://t.co/uJsur7yt

Kerry out of the All-Ireland, now Gooch is in trouble on the Jeremy Kyle show.

[Onion Bag]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to find the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. However, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous; had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would be her horrible deformed self half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?











Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

things are going to get ugly.

AOAS, You need your hole kicked!

[Orior]

Top ten from Edinburgh

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[trileacman]

Top ten from Edinburgh

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

You'd pick out the woman comedian in that so easily.

[Declan]

So Lance and Neil have had a bad week.

Let's hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time unscathed

[Forever Green]

RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife text me tonight: "Do you think you could pick up 8 pints of milk?"


I text back, "No, my hands are not that big".

[Forever Green]

I started stacking shelves at Asda today.

The young bloke who I was working with told me I really should fill out an application form first.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If there was such a thing as a Dog...

Then he wouldn't make people Dyslexic

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I once said to Eamonn Holmes "It must be a real struggle getting out of bed every morning"

He said he actually couldn't wait to get to work - that working on Sky News every day was really invigorating. "With every new dawn comes new stories and it's a pleasure to be able to broadcast them to the world."

I replied "No, I meant because you're such a fat ****"

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Attention to gingers.
Never get a brazillian as it looks like a fish finger

[heganboy]

stolen from Ted ‏@ItsTalkingTed


Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus...and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

[Harold Disgracey]

Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

[LeoMc]

Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I read that in Tuckers accent. Great to see that show back again.

[Declan]

I went to an interview the other day. The lady said ... if you want anything my name is Jill. i said wow, you're the first person I have meet that has a conditional identity. what do I call you if I don't want something?

[Hardy]

Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I haven't seen the show. If this is typical of the writing I must give it a watch.