Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Bud Wiser]

FINGLAS FLOOD APPEAL

Finglas was hit badly by floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering  ' Whaa da bleedin story?  Aaaaaawright bud' and 'fuuuuuucksake'.
The flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas that held historic burnt out cars were destroyed. Many locals were awakened well before their welfare cheques arrived.

RTE News reported that many residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by criminals. One Resident, Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15yr old mother of five said "It was a fuc***g shock, me little Chardonay Mercedes cem runnin inta me bedruem cryin, me youngest two, Tyler Morgan and Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all, but I was bleedin shakin watching fuc***g Rikki Lake in da morning.

Apparantly though, looting, muggings and incidental crime, like shootings did carry on as usual. The Irish Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas and John Player Blue to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include Welfare Books and Jewellery including thousands of Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and some Fine Bone China from Tommie's Wonderland of Value.

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing and parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster, clothing is most sought after and items that would be appreciated are;
CLOTHES
Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
Hoodies (any type)
Tommy Hilfiger Track Suits (His & Hers)
Niki/Adidas Shell Suits (female)
White Donnay Sports Socks, Rockport Boots or any items sold in TK Max
Anything from Magic or Unique

FOOD
McCains Oven Chips
Heinz Baked Beans
Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
Coke/Fanta
Strongbow Cider
Smirnoff Ice
John Player Blue (15's)
22c will buy a biro for filling in the bookie slips and compensation claims. 5 euro will buy a bag of chips and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine or 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.

[Windmill abu]

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

[5 Sams]

Stolen from Belfast Craic's Facebook page...



fifty shades of grey...IRISH STYLE
As always the Irish have found the funny side of something. Here's a few classics from the Irish take on Fifty Shades of Grey:

'
... Give it to me, give it to me', he roared aggressively. Some days Mary hated working at Ulster Bank.

He slipped his hand under the red silk.. "You're so beautiful in that dress." "F*ck off, it was only a euro in Penneys!"

Bríd's knees were sore and her throat was raw...This was the longest Novena she'd ever attended.

You're so tight, he said, I'm from Cavan she replied.

Slowly he ran his finger down the middle, parting the pink softness, feeling the moist sticky centre. He loved a Mikado.

'She Quivered as I stroked her thighs. 'Take me in the shower Sean!' I whispered to her 'Wait til I turn on the immersion'

'Her underwear was wet as he pulled the rope. There's great drying out today she thought as the clothes line hoisted'

She wrapped her fingers around it and greedily pulled it towards her lips.20 bottles for 15 quid at Centra Mick! Bargain!

'its so long!Never seen the likes of it!' exclaimed maire, as she joined the dole queue

She widened her mouth, trying to fit it all in!! Juices ran down her face. Mary did love a kebab after coppers

She was panting as she let out one final scream of pure pleasure. There was nothing like beating Kilkenny in the hurling

She took a deep breath as the shivers rolled down her hot body... Jaysus, she thought. The vichs is kicking in now!

Come on! Pump it hard.. Real hard! But it was no use the tyre was definitely punctured!

He asked if she could handle more than one finger. She said she preferred Hob Nobs or a purple Schnack with her tea

'Spread 'em', he said gruffly. Margie looked dolefully at the bags of fertilizer destined for the back field

[gerrykeegan]

That's funny

[Orior]

Two boys at Royal Ascot.

One boy says "would you like the winner of the next race?"

The other boy says "no thanks, I've only got a small garden"

[Onion Bag]

A bloke walks into WH Smiths and says: " Do you have that self help book for men with small cocks?"

Female assistant replies: " I dont think it's in yet."

He replies: " yeah that's the one!"

[Harold Disgracey]

Unintentionally inappropriate domain names.

http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/unintentionally-inappropriate-domain-names/

[Santino]

Reminds me of this one
www.bigbustycoons.com

[All of a Sludden]

During the recent royal visit to NI, Martin McGuinness asked the Queen what she thought of County Down.
She replied, "it's not the same since Carol Vorderman left."

[southdown]

I was in the DVD shop last night and asked "Can I have Batman Forever?"

She replied "No, you can have it for 2 nights."

[southdown]

Breaking news:

Craig David has had a late call up to the GB olympic archery team.

....
...

He's the bow-selector.

[Bud Wiser]

They might give Peter Quinnn a shout to do the marathon now that he resides in UK territory, he is sure a fast runner !

[haranguerer]

I was in the DVD shop last night and asked "Can I have Batman Forever?"

She replied "No, you can have it for 2 nights."

I f**king love that!!!

[DrinkingHarp]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? '
' NO! ' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,
would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ' NO! '

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting with pride for them.





I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.