Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

Jordan has given assurances Abu Qatada will get the treatment he deserves.


If he buys her a kebab she'll suck him off.

Excellent!

[Square Ball]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

got that in work and was coming on here to post it, its one of the funniest things I have read in a long time

[muppet]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

Brilliant, but once again I find myself wondering what Orior was Googling for when he found that.

[Captain Obvious]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

Hilarious reviews.

[5 Sams]

[Orior]

My girlfriend has just given birth to our first child. During labour she was lying on her back and screaming my name to my face with the drugs kicking in. I was pissing myself laughing as that was more or less what happened when I got her pregnant in the first place...

Yes, she screamed my name too 

[armaghniac]

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Don't mess around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Sorry, Neil."

[Orior]

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Don't mess around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Sorry, Neil."

There works on about 3 different levels. And probably more on a place with not much gravity.

[Hardy]

Sorry if this has been posted before.


Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin . She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Mary's gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary's bar. He so informs Mary.

Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since, Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Mary's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary's bar.

[ballinaman]

‎"Do you like pie?"
"Yes."
"Do you like blueberries?"
"Yes."
"I have something you won't like."
"Is it a blueberry pie?"
"No, I shagged your wife last night".

[Ludraman]

[Orior]

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A. Dam.

[ardal]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

Brilliant, but once again I find myself wondering what Orior was Googling for when he found that.

Yeah, have to agree, but just glimpsed at it, what's the product? Will it work on my back lawn; ignore the pun?

[Mayo4Sam]

My wife says shes leaving me for another man because I'm too obsessed with football.

"is it on loan or a transfer?"

[Orior]

My wife says shes leaving me for another man because I'm too obsessed with football.

"is it on loan or a transfer?"

Someone from this board entered the National Weather Forecasting Championship last weekend.

And they beat the raining champion.