Corny One for Friday

[southdown]

If you keep repeating the word "gullible" it will eventually sound like "orange." Freaked me out the first time.

[Maguire01]

Q. What do you call a person without a body or a nose?








A. Nobody knows

Would that not be Nobody No-Knows?

[Tony Baloney]

Just went to look at www.bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those folks know how to run a bus company!

I had no idea what I was clicking on!

[seafoid]

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=4564

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFE! : I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings.

[5 Sams]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[southdown]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes



http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16959243

Tim Vine at his best

[Onion Bag]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause.

[Hardy]

For want of a better home for this ...

http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html

[gerrykeegan]

For want of a better home for this ...

http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html

Now I know where Charlie Weston from the Indo gets his platform for writing his personal finance articles from

[gerry]

She named him D!ck!

[Puckoon]

Up in heaven Whitney Houston was asking God for some crack and then Frank Carson turned up.

[Forever Green]

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

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A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

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My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

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Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

[Agent Orange]

My mate - "Who sang 'that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love you're tiger feet"?
Me - "Mud"?
My mate - "that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right".

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his Fu*king' widow."

[Hardy]

My Mrs. and I were great Monkees fans, so I couldn't believe it when she told me Davy Jones was dead. Then I saw her face, now I'm a bereaver!