Corny One for Friday

[Forever Green]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

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At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."

Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"No," says the invigilator.

"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

[Agent Orange]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.














Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Orior]

It is impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian.

[gerrykeegan]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompsons jacket."

[LeoMc]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompsons jacket."

Anthony Worrall Thompson has just brought out a new range of light finger food.

[5 Sams]

Liverpool have offered £25 million & Andy Carroll for Darren Bent. Villa have rejected it. They only want the £25 million

[5 Sams]

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend..... whats in your bag? "Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats cheese, 3 bottles of cava and bottle of blue nun and I have £4-50 left over.

[Puckoon]

Anthony whorral Thompson has a new tv show coming out called ready steady run like f**k!

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

Sex in the Office

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.



She responded...                       'The bastard used coins!'




Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Agent Orange]

I've got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.

[screenexile]

My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face; "Cheer up" I said, "Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"

"You're fab" I said, "Thanks" she said, "You're mine" I said, "I know silly!" she chuckled,

"I love you" I said, "Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"

"Marry me" I said, She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said "Yes what?" "Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,


"f**k off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old Chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

[Agent Orange]

Some good news after the shocking story of the cruise liner running aground.

The shipping company's owners have found a new captain after someone answered the advert requesting "someone who won't hit anything".

Andy Carroll starts work there on Monday!!

[5 Sams]

A lot of men are delighted to find out that when they get married the woman they have committed to is a nymphomaniac....it's not long before they find out that the nympho disappears and the maniac goes nowhere

[Orior]

Q. What do you call a person without a body or a nose?








A. Nobody knows