Corny One for Friday

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

The Economic Model Using Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money .....

[trileacman]

Disappointed by the Russian corporation one. I thought we Irish had the international reputation for excessive drinking of alcohol!

[seafoid]

Taoism: Shit happens
Hinduism: This shit happened before
Buddhism: It is only the illusion of shit happening
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit;
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?;
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you;
Rastafarianism: Smoke that shit;
Unitarianism: Who gives a shit?


http://www.northernsun.com/Religions-Ash-T-Shirt-(1432B).html

[lawnseed]

The Economic Model Using Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money .....

brillant

[5 Sams]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me! How does the water do
that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does nothing...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

[Forever Green]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

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Looked at my watch and it said 4:33...I gave a light chuckle due to knowledge of football,
About 9 minutes later I checked again and it said 4:42...Again I laughed thinking this was quite a coincidence,
Several minutes later I checked again and it said 4:1:2:1:2...I thought theres something f**king wrong with this watch!

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Little Johnny was not liked in class at all.He was the class bookie,and every bet placed was a bet he won. So his teacher Miss Crabtree called his dad up to complain, to her surprise he hated his son's gambling ways. They both decided that they would come up with a bet that little Johnny would lose. At the end of school she held him back so she could talk with him."Johnny there will come a time when you will lose a bet and I hope I'll be there to see it"
Little Johnny scoffed and said "I never lose in fact I'll bet you 100 bucks that your bush is a black as the ace of spade"
Miss Crabtree hiked up her skirt pulled her panties down to see that indeed she had a blonde bush, with a laugh she said " You owe me 100 bucks the carpet matched the drapes now pay up!"
Little Johnny paid up and quietly left the school. Miss Crabtree called Little Johnny's dad to tell him the good news.She told him she took 100 bucks off of him and he left with his tail between his legs.The dad asked what the bet was and Miss Crabtree told him it was about the color of her bush and she showed him that he guessed wrong. The dad screamed nooooooo she asked what was wrong and he said"He bet me 10 grand that you would show him your bush!"

[ballinaman]

D'ya hear about the jehovah witness advent calender?
Every time you open a door someone tells you to f**k off......

[under the bar]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

lol,  I think you got a bit muddled up on that part!

[vav]

This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS

[Orior]

This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS

You got the right thread chief - just look at the top of page 162

[vav]

Ohs my bad! Ah well it was so good it deserved to be posted twice

[5 Sams]

This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS

Worth repeating in fairness

[ballinaman]

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after an argument??...........

Move the furniture.

[Harold Disgracey]

Onomnomnomatopoeia:

describing the sound of a fat person eating.

[Forever Green]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."