Corny One for Friday

[Harold Disgracey]

I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.I knew there and then, she was the one.

[Hardy]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'

They think she'll do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

[Hardy]

Allegedly taken verbatim from reports typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:


The patient has no previous history of suicide.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

[Orior]

I love drinking brake fluid.

My friends say I will become addicted, but I know I can stop.

[ardal]

Einstein says to wife "I've made dinner",

Mrs Einstein inquires about what he's made.

He replies " a pie"

She asks fo the recipe / ingredients

He says I only used 3.14

She says woooooooot (she's from Lurgan)

He says I want to prove that I can have my pie and eat it

Coat hat now

[All of a Sludden]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

[southdown]

A friend of mine was sacked from his job working at the dodgems. 

He is claiming funfair dismissal.

[Orior]

Bump

[Niall Quinn]

well played.

[ballinaman]

Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!

[Puckoon]

Stolen.

Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!

[ziggysego]

Twice

Stolen.

Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!

[ONeill]

[Forever Green]

Facebook fun:

1. Find a group photo of some girls you know.
2. Make sure there is one blatantly obvious fat girl in the group.
3. Comment on the photo simply asking; "who is the fat one?"
4. What should happen next is you will get a lot of abuse from the friends of the fat girl suggesting that you're a horrible person etc.
5. In all this abuse someone will say something along the lines of: "Leave Jasmine alone!" or "Katie is not fat!"
6. You respond by announcing that you were not the one who pointed out the fat girl, but it was all of her friends who identified her, you did not mention any names.

WIN

[Forever Green]

I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.

"Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."

He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."

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I was on the train when a bloke came up to me and said, "Tickets please?"
I said, "Sorry mate, I'm not selling"
He said, "No sir, I'd like your ticket please"
I said, "Look here mate, there's probably a conductor on the train. You can get one from him"
He said, "I am the conductor, sir"
I said, "Then why the f**k are you asking me for one?"