Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

Another couple of clinkers from Overheard in Dublin....

Overheard from a flat window in Gardiner Street: "Hey! Assummmptah! Come in here if ya wan' da skin off yer fadder's rasher!"


Skanger buying one of those dreadful cowboy hats before the Neil Diamond Concert

Skanger: "How much are de hats?"
Seller: "7 euro each"
Skanger: "Give us two for a tenner"
Seller: "This is D4 luv not Kusadasi"



Overheard walking passed a school in Dublin on Junior Cert results day. While sitting on the steps of the school opening the envelope one girl screams "YES, I knew I wasnt f*ckin' stupid!"


Mooney's Monday Quiz on RTE Radio 1 on 21st September 2011
Derek Mooney: "Which Bird are you said to be "Up With", if you are an early riser?"
Contestant: "mm..up with...up with the c**k?"

[Orior]

Mooney's Monday Quiz on RTE Radio 1 on 21st September 2011
Derek Mooney: "Which Bird are you said to be "Up With", if you are an early riser?"
Contestant: "mm..up with...up with the c**k?"

Song bird?

[ardal]

Nr?

No seriously whats the answer?

c**k / rooster,

Black bird (in morning /singing type stuff)

Angel delight

[armaghniac]

up with the lark, I imagine.

[5 Sams]

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

[Family guy]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Family guy]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[Family guy]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[sans pessimism]

Young boy to mother "Mammy, Mammy,theres a man at the door collecting for
an old folks home.....will we give him Granny?."

[Tyrones own]

Somebody stole Obama's teleprompter...






He was supposedly er.. um.. speechless 

[heganboy]

Fox News: Fair and Balnced

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, "What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

[DrinkingHarp]

> > A golfer, playing in Ireland, hooked his drive into the woods.  Looking
> for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on
> his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
> >
> > Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
> over the little guy, reviving him.
> >
> > 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
> >
> > 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
> >
> > 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.  Ye get three wishes, so
> whaddya want?'
> >
> > 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
> anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and apologizes.'
> >
> > And the golfer walks off.
> >
> > 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
> >
> > I have to do something for him.  I'll give him the three things I would
> want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
> life.'
> >
> > A year goes by and the golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a
> bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
> >
> > 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
> want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
> >
> > 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.  I'm an internationally famous
> golfer now.'  He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And
> tell me, how's yer money situation?'
> >
> > 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.  'When I need cash, I just
> reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
> >
> > 'I did that fer ye also. 'And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
> >
> > The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
> 'It's OK.'
> >
> > C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
> good job.  How many times a week?'
> >
> > Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
> sometimes twice a week.'
> >
> > 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's all?  Only once or
> twice a week?'
> >
> > 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
> a small parish.'

[Bud Wiser]

Difference between Dana and Martin McGuinness?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,Dana can remember her last hit.

[Forever Green]

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f**k you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing....so they bury her.

----------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

----------------------------------------------------------

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

-----------------------------------------------------------

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the f**k off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the **** in the kitchen!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A redneck is sitting on his Lay-Z-Boy, watching the game, when his daughter comes in and asks if she can borrow the car. The redneck says, "Well, I guess...but you gotta do something for me in return. Either you can suck my c**k or let me f**k you in the ass."
The daughter thinks about it for a minute, but finally decides she'd rather give a blowjob. She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, puts her mouth on his member and gags, "Ugh, this tastes like shit!"
The redneck smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, Billy already borrowed the car today."

[screenexile]

"My wife's leaving me because none of my jokes make any sense.

Now that's what I call music!!"