Corny One for Friday

[Pangurban]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip and wasted my time with your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ******g fault.

[The Blegard]

Guy goes to see his doctor one Friday and asks for the strongest Viagra tablets he can get. Doctor asks "why the strong ones/"
He replies that he has two stunning birds up for it,coming around later this evening and will stay with him all weekend at his place. Gets the pills and leaves contented. Goes back to the same doctor Monday morning and asks for the strongest painkillers possible. Doctor asks "What do you need them for?"

"My Wrist..... Those birds never showed up"

[Orior]

Time waster

http://www.drawastickman.com/

[Forever Green]

My wife burst into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.

"Do you need medical attention?" She winked.

"Yes! Yes I do," I replied. "I've got erectile dysfunction."

"Ooh," she giggled. "And when did this start?"

"About 30 seconds ago," I replied.

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I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room."

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I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

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The missus sez to me: "Go to the Co-op and bring back a pint of milk, and if they have eggs, then get a dozen." I came back with 12 pints of milk and she screamed at me "WHY THE f**k HAVE YOU BROUGHT BACK TWELVE PINTS OF MILK YOU STUPID TWAT?" I replied: "They had eggs"...

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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work.
Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single f**king day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[men in black]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. 



There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. 



Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 



The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll pe rsonally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' 



More sighs and loud applause. 



Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' 



There is total silence. 



The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 



Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F ##**k him'.

[5 Sams]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Hardy]

Twitter is setting up its European HQ in Dublin but it's only going to employ 140 characters.

[trileacman]

What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.

[brokencrossbar1]

What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.

I let this dog hump my leg any day! Woof, woof

[Forever Green]

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."
The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.
"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

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While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and f**k each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.
"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"

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An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor's. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
"I'm very sorry," he says. "I've got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer."
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, "And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I'm really, very sorry."
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
"I suppose it could be worse," he says. "I could have cancer."

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A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
"Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!"
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid's grandmother furiously fingering herself.
"Ah!" said the mother. "Well, that's not a shrimp. That's actually called a 'vagina'"
"Oh!" said the boy. "It certainly tasted like shrimp."

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Forever Green]

Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

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A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl.

They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her ass, something he never thought he'd do or enjoy.

Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams.

In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his c**k.

"You really can't get enough of my c**k," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin.

Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[trileacman]

What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.

I let this dog hump my leg any day! Woof, woof

Apologies it was meant to be Thelma

[vxopel]

three blonds walk into a bar










you would think one of them would see it

[All of a Sludden]

Kevin Webster isn't bothered by recent allegations, he's feeling Rosie.

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

R.I.Pod.

More a tribute to Mr Jobs.