Corny One for Friday

[kumquat]

A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a f**king what?"

[Hoof Hearted]

A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a f**king what?"

[stew]

Hi Sue:

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me,
I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite
cool! So to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water
heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and
heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.  What I do when I get to the bottom and start
working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my butt
started to itch.

Of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The
hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it.  However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were
all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my chamber dry.

When  I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen
shut.

[Orior]

A Mayo man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Hardy]

C.V. mistakes

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a major chain store.

I am a rabid typist.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

Strengths: Attention to detal.

Don't take the comments of my former employers too seriously. They were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

Dispensed with $2.5 billion in assets.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

[Orior]

C.V. mistakes

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a major chain store.

I am a rabid typist.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

Strengths: Attention to detal.

Don't take the comments of my former employers too seriously. They were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

Dispensed with $2.5 billion in assets.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Bastards! Three of the above are mine. Where did this list come from?

[J OGorman]

Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter handed me out a Man Utd kit. I said "Sorry love, you mis-heard me. I said I wanted to look like a count"

[Onion Bag]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another Lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees".

[Orior]

Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?

[HiMucker]

Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?

I thought it was great and i will be stealing it for future occasions!

[Onion Bag]

Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?

Do you like it orior?

[Orior]

I hate mushy peas.

[Onion Bag]

What about fish and chimps?

[Orior]

Not as funny as the first time I heard it a few years ago. It must be an acquired taste.

[Hardy]

I liked the punch lion.