Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he felt

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
 


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[illdecide]

I know i've heard this b4 so the chances i've already posted it but there are only so many pages you can check thru...so here it is again (i think)


THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:











Always keep your condoms in your car.

[illdecide]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", retorted the Rabbi, "We save them up and send them back to
  the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now  and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

[Puckoon]

This fella had a dog that just couldnt be controlled. Always getting away from the leash and biting people whenever it could. He knew he needed to do something about it, but couldnt bring himself.

One day he met a woman, fell in love and they dated for a long time. He finally asked her to marry him and she agreed - on the condition that he did something about the dog.

Worried he called a few friends for advice - and one told him that maybe having the dog neutered would calm him a little and he would behave normally.

The young man made the appointment with the vet, and on the morning of the surgery, put the dog on the leash and began the short walk to the vetinary hospital.

On the way the dog was being its usual crazy self and as they passed an alleyway with a drunken bum lying around in it, the dog got away and tore down the alley barking like mad.

The drunk saw the dog coming, but couldnt protect himself as the dog started biting him. Finally the owner got the dog back under control and apologised profusely to the shocked man.

"Your fuckin dogs crazy" says the bum.

"I know" replied the embarrassed man, "I was just talking him to have him neutered in the hope that he calms down"

'Neutered? Neutered?" screams the drunk? " You need to have the f**kers teeth pulled out -I knew from the moment he started down the alleyway that he wasnt gonna f**k me"!

[SidelineKick]

'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.

'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.

Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.

'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.

'What now?' asked the tourist.

'It'll take you about ten minutes.'

'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.

'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.

[illdecide]

Best PMT Question Ever



Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman's Answer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE RUBBISH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF RUBBISH THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[full back]

Whats the difference between an Ethopian & a pair of jeans?

A pair of jeans only has 1 fly on them

[Hoof Hearted]

Ever wonder why smirnoff is bad for you.....try writing it in predictive text on your mobile...

[SidelineKick]

Ever wonder why smirnoff is bad for you.....try writing it in predictive text on your mobile...

very good!

[RedandGreenSniper]

A Cavan man has been acquitted of a bizarre case in which he was accused of sexually molesting a cat.

The Judge said that there was no way he could believe that a Cavan man would put anything in a kitty.

[Orior]

Back in 1977 at the height of the troubles, two lions escaped from Belfast Zoo. As they were strolling down Royal Avenue, people were screaming and running for cover.

One lion turns to the other and says "there must be a bomb scare or something".

[illdecide]

Subject: FW: Ways to beat the credit crunch - Classic



DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y   


DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. 


AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 


SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. 


HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. 


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. 


SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.



SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. 


OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. 


CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. 


WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. 


MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee. 


MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs. 


SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. 


WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards



APOLOGIES IF IT OFFENDS ANYONE!!

[illdecide]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced
this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're
here to see the doctor today?"

 
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then re-entered.

 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

 
The waiting room erupted in laughter..

 
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[illdecide]

> Teacher: 'Good morning
> children, today is Thursday, so we're
> going to
> have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
> have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
> Wee
> Murray thinks,
> 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am.
> This is goannae be a
>
> doddle!'
> Teacher: ' Right
> class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do
> for you, but what you can do for your country?'
> Wee
> Murray shoots
> up his hand, waving furiously in the
> air.
> Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar
> Fauntleroy
> at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): '
> Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> we will see you back in class on
> Tuesday.'
> The next Thursday
> comes around, and Wee Murray is even
> more
> determined.
> Teacher: 'Who said 'We
> will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will
> fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray's hand
> shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me
> Miss, pick me Miss'.
> Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
> 'Yes Tarquin.'
> Tarquin (in a very,
> very posh English accent): 'Yes miss,
> the
> answer
> is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of
> Britain speech.'
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> come back to class on
> Tuesday..'
> The following Thursday
> comes around and Wee Murray is hyper;
> he's
> been
> studying encyclopaedias all week and
> he's ready for anything that comes.
> He's
> coiled in his chair, dribbling in
> anticipation.
> Teacher: 'Who said
> 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'
> Wee
> Murray's arm
> shoots straight in the air, he's
> standing on his
> seat, jumping up and down screaming
> 'Pick me
> miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
> Teacher looking round
> the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
> 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully,
>
> frightfully, ever so plummy English
> accent):
> 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong,
> 1969, the first moon landing.'
>
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Rupert. You may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> come back into class on
> Tuesday.'
> Wee
> Murray loses
> the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall.
> He starts
> screaming:
> 'WHERE THE F@&K DID
> ALL THESE ENGLISH
> B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'
> Teacher spins back
> round from the blackboard and
> shouts:
>
> 'Who said
> that?'
> Wee
> Murray grabs
> his coat and bag and heads for the
> door,
> 'Robert
> the Bruce, Bannockburn,
> 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'

[RedandGreenSniper]

That last one is brilliant illdecide