Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

Couple of classics from Overheard in Dublin.

Was nursin a pint in a pub in Portobello last weekend waitin on a mate. The publican had the news on the telly and the sport came on showing footage of that Irish girl who won the boxing title in China beatin the head off the chinese girl. Same fella then says "Jayzus if she told ye to be home at 6 you'd be home at 5!" Nearly fell off the stool.

Overheard by Horsebox, A pub in Portobello
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008



Not overheard per se, but overseen - on a bin beside a 46A stop on the Stillorgan dualler. The bin has "LITTER" written on it, and some legend added a "c" and "us".

What does that give us?

cLITERus

Brilliant.

Overheard by Neil, The dualler
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008


on the 51 nitelink on a saturday night. a smartarse lad was doing his best to chat up these two howiyas....

lad..."i'd show you the night of your life"

one of the girls..."you would in your hole"

lad.."no....i would in YOUR hole"

Overheard by anonymous, 51N
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008

[Hardy]

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.

My Dad told me, "Son, never open the cellar door!"
But I couldn't resist. I opened it and saw things I'd never seen before: grass, sky, trees...

I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

[illdecide]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on  offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to  radio station 103..2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jelly fish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. "So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. 'Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?   May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[illdecide]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it ,you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[illdecide]

What do you call an Orange man that knows a thousand tunes?


An I-Prod

I'll get my coat...

[illdecide]

  There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.


Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.


The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


 


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!




 

[Square Ball]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on  offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to  radio station
103..2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of
year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jelly fish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of
my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he, along with five other divers, was all laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to
make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the
fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen
shut. "So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now
repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. 'Now
whenever
you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?   May
you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[brokencrossbar1]

Echo, Echo Echo!!!

[SidelineKick]

A 60 year old man is celebrating his birthday and is doing his messages about the town.  He goes into the bookies, puts on a few bets then says to the girl behind the counter:

"What age do you think I am today?"  "God I don't know" says the girl, I'm not good at guessing ages, "49".

"Nope, I'm 60 today" he says with a big smile, happy he looks so young.

He then goes into the bakery to get a few scones.

"What age do you think I am today?"  he says to the woman behind the counter.  "Jesus I dunno" she says "50?".

"Nope, I'm 60 today" he says with another big smile.

He then goes into the butchers and gets a couple of steaks.

"What age do you think I am today?"  he asks.  "You look about 45" says the man behind the counter.

"Im 60 today" he says, "don't I look well?"

So he heads off for the bus and takes a seat at the bus stop.  He is in a fantastic mood so says to the little old lady beside him:

"Excuse me missus, what age to you think I am today?"

"Well" says the old lady "there's one way I can tell you your age to the day!"

"Jesus" says the oul boy "hows that?"

"Well I put my hand down the front of you trousers and get a good fumble, and I'll be able to tell."

The man looks up and down the street and no one is about so he lets the old woman tear away.

"Hmmm, you're 60 today" she says.

"Jesus thats unreal" says the oul boy, "how did you know that?!"

The old woman smiles. "I was standing behind you in the butchers!!"

[illdecide]

> .My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
> in about 3 seconds.'
>
> I bought her a kitchen scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took her to a filling station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
> my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you t o pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
>
> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
> not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
>
> and then the fight started.....
>
> ----------- - --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
> window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
> to his car as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
> screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- -- ------- ---------
> --------- ----
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
>
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
> on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?'
>
> And then the fight started . ..
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> ----
>
>
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> ----
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started....

[illdecide]

Fw: Dementia !!

-Looks like I've got it !     

Test  for Dementia
B elow are  four ( 4 ) questions  and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your  time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's  find out just how clever you really are....



Ready?  GO!!! 



First  Question: 

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second  person.
What position are you in? 









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







   


Answer:     If you answered that you are first, then you  are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you  take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer  the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one,  OK ?

Second  Question: 
If you overtake the last person, then you  are...?








   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








   

Answer:     If you answered that you are second to last, then you  are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are  you?








   

Third  Question: 
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in  your head  only
.
Do NOT use paper and  pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add  another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add  another 1000 . Now add 20 .  Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the  total? 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000   ?

The correct answer is actually  4100.



If you don't believe it, check  it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is  it?
Maybe you'll get the last question  right....
...Maybe. 



Fourth  Question: 

Mary's father has five daughters: 1.  Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did  you Answer  Nunu?
NO!     Of course it isn't.
Her name  is Mary.  Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus  round:

A   mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.  By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase  is done. 

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who  wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what  he wants?







   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








   

He just has to open his mouth  and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!   

[illdecide]

>>> FLORIDA  COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
>>>
>>> In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover
>>> holy days.
>>> He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
>>> Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
>>> The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
>>> day(s).
>>> The case was brought before a judge.
>>> After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the
>>> judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'
>>>
>>> The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your
>>> honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
>>> The Christians have Christmas, Easter, etc.  The Jews have Passover,

>>> Yom  Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Hanukkah.
>>> Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.'
>>>
>>> The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do.
>>> Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.'
>>> The lawyer said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any special
>>> observance  or holiday for atheists.'
>>>
>>> The judge said, 'The calendar shows April 1st is 'April Fools Day.'
>>> Psalm 14:1 states:  'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
>>> Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says
>>> there is no God, then he is a fool.
>>> Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.

[illdecide]

New Words for 2009



* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
Screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
To work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
Works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
Displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
Their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
The pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* tr**p STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks

[Orior]

I ended up with an older woman in Robinsons Belfast last night. She looked pretty good for a 48 year old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well a little more than a bit)

We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's double?"

"What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.

"Oh", I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "No I haven't".

And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that "tonight was my lucky night"

I went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs 

"Mum are you still awake?"

[applepicker]

  , did not see that coming at all