gaaboard.com

Non GAA Discussion => General discussion => Topic started by: 5 Sams on November 10, 2006, 11:22:24 AM

Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on November 10, 2006, 11:22:24 AM
I'll get her going with a few classics from OverheardinDublin.com

I was in college with a guy from the north side. We were talking about the girls in the class. He refered to one girl as a butter bird. Didn't know what he was on about till he said. Nice body but her face in minging.


Waiting room in James hospital. Two old dears are waiting to see the doc.

First old dear: "what are you in for"?
Second old dear: "I'm having the scope put down my throat"
First old dear: "you better go in first"
Second old dear: "why?"
First old dear: "because I'm having it stuck up me arse".



A work collegue had come in to show off her new baby. We were all gathered around cooing over her gorgerous son.... everyone knew she had undergone IVF but of course no one was letting on... until the tea lady leaned in and announced ;
"she got that baby off the UVF you know" !


I heard an old lady on a bus tell her friend
"If God spares me I'll be buried in Balbriggan"

Two young wans (teenage girls) upstairs on a bus on O'Connell St. The bus was forced to pull in as an EU motorcade passed. One girl asks "Wha' de f**k is dat?" Her friend replies, "Ah, I know wha' dat is, that's all dem bleedin' taoiseach shitheads!"


At a Pub Quiz in the Traders Pub during the sports round the following question was asked: "What would you use an eskimo roll for?"

One of the lads answers... "to wipe an eskimo's arse?"


In Lees Kitchen in Dalkey one Friday night and a guy was asking the Chinese Guy behind the counter for ribs. Even though the shop was packed he kept shouting he wanted ribs and every time the Chinese guy kept saying "No ribs....". With a growing crowd behind him the guy lets rip a HUGE fart. In the stunned silence that followed for a second, the guy says dead proud "Coooook dah in your pan!"



A few years ago my dad and his mate were walking home from a pub in dublin. On the way back the local priest (known for condeming to hell anyone who smoked, drank, swore etc), was passing by. He gave the a scornful look and said "ahhh..drunk again boys". My da replied "its ok father we understand ..sure we've had a few ourselves!!"



Myself and my mates queueing for night club on Eyre Sq. One of the lads was completely hammered, swaying from side to side with his eyes closed. Got as far as the bouncer, who immediately pulled him from the queue and ordered him to "go way and get a cup of coffee and then I'll think about lettin you in". Pi**-head lands back to the bouncer and hands him the mug of coffee, sayin "there's yur muga coffee, can I get in now"? Bouncer laughs and lets him in.


I was at the pizza counter in a well known supermarket in town, and there was no one to serve me. A helpful nearby assistant told me that the girl who made up the pizzas would be back in minute. When she finally returned I chose my toppings and she started to pick them out of the containers and spread them on the pizza. She apologised for the delay and then added "Sorry for the delay. I was just upstairs havin a shite"

Couple of Years ago, was checking out the Last Of the Mohicans in the Savoy on O'Connell St., After a few minutes of that nail biting scene where Daniel Day Lewis stalks some other guy through the woods eventually flinging and burying a hatchet in his head, the tension obviously got too much for one Dub in The audience who was straight up to his feet yelling "Good man yersel' Chriiiiisty!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on November 10, 2006, 01:02:40 PM
Xmas is coming

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on November 10, 2006, 04:13:35 PM
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church, when the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Woodies either."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: reddgnhand on November 10, 2006, 05:12:45 PM
Man walks into a bar, shouts to a fella across the room " I bucked your ma last night"
Fella dosent say anything.
He then shouts " She sucked my c**k".
Fella again says nothing.
He then stands up again and shouts " I gave her one up the arse"
Fella shouts back " For fucks sake Da will ye go home your blocked".
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on November 10, 2006, 05:38:48 PM
Thats the new discussion board rules out the windy then :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on November 10, 2006, 07:02:16 PM
Paul Howard was in the GMB in Trinity today reading from the new Ross O'Caroll Kelly book. Have never been a fan of them, but this one actually sounds pretty good, and I must say, he's a funny fecker for a sports writer!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 13, 2006, 11:37:57 AM
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.  Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim
Title: In case you missed it!!
Post by: SouthArmaghBandit on November 13, 2006, 01:51:25 PM
In case you missed it on the GAA Photos thread, this clown ITOB tried to report himself to Admin for making inappropriate posts!! I kid you not! I thought we had lost Armagh4SamAgain on the old board! What an idiot!
;D ;D
Quote from: ITOB on November 11, 2006, 11:59:08 AM
Can some of you refer my above post to the Moderator for me, seems you can't self-refer.   
I tried to got the following message.  Though it was very amusing.

You can't report your own post to the moderator, that doesn't make sense!one
Title: Re: In case you missed it!!
Post by: BallyhaiseMan on November 13, 2006, 02:12:49 PM
 :D  :D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: In case you missed it!!
Post by: Guillem2 on November 13, 2006, 02:31:18 PM
Classic! LOL  ;D
Admin - please move this to the "Corney one for a Friday" thread.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh ABÚ on November 13, 2006, 03:09:21 PM
Man walks into a bar, shouts to a fella across the room " I bucked your ma last night"
Fella dosent say anything.
He then shouts " She sucked my c**k".
Fella again says nothing.
He then stands up again and shouts " I gave her one up the arse"
Fella shouts back " For fucks sake Da will ye go home your blocked".

Very Good!!!!!
Title: Re: In case you missed it!!
Post by: SouthArmaghBandit on November 13, 2006, 04:38:23 PM
This was in danger of disappearing before everyone had a chance to read it.  :D
Title: Getting older
Post by: maddog on November 13, 2006, 04:59:19 PM

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"
she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the
undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She
simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take
40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85
or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by
the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco. "Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?" "Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping basket says, "For
fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the
people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Title: Re: In case you missed it!!
Post by: Sky Blue on November 13, 2006, 05:45:12 PM
Absolutly brillient! Why on Earth would somebody report themselves for making inappropriate posts??  ???
FFS just stop doing it ITOB. No need to report yourself!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cuchullainns Bhoy on November 13, 2006, 05:48:21 PM
Whats the Difference between Paisley and Saddam??
Ones a Fat Shite and the others a Fat Shi'ite.
Title: Only...
Post by: Donagh on November 13, 2006, 05:59:57 PM
Saddam is a Sunni
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 13, 2006, 07:21:30 PM
Yeap, his Sunni is a Shi'ite too.
Title: Senility again
Post by: Hardy on November 13, 2006, 07:31:27 PM
Old man goes to the doctor for his test results. "Bad news, I'm afraid,", says the doctor. "You've got cancer and you've got Alzheimers".

"Ah well", says the old man, "thank God it's not cancer".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cuchullainns Bhoy on November 13, 2006, 07:53:25 PM
Now, Hardy, as well as it may sound i think thats a tad bit wrong. :'(
Title: Puzzling one
Post by: Orior on November 13, 2006, 08:49:47 PM
Man goes up to house, knocks on the door and a woman answers. The man says "Is big Joe in?"

The woman replies sorrowfully "no, big Joe died last night"

The man thinks for a second and then says "Well, did he say anything about a paint brush?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on November 14, 2006, 08:13:00 AM
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Response:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will slow down before you are 65.
9. You find it difficult to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 14, 2006, 08:18:02 AM
Quote from: Cuchullainns Bhoy on November 13, 2006, 07:53:25 PM
Now, Hardy, as well as it may sound i think thats a tad bit wrong. :'(

??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 14, 2006, 07:44:07 PM
Has anyone ever successfullly taught themselves to do without lunch?

I know a farmer who said he once taught a horse to do without food alltogether. He said it took a couple of years to teach it.

Unfortunately as soon as he'd taught it successfully to do without food, the horse died. Pity.   :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fionntamhnach on November 14, 2006, 07:53:01 PM
Man walks into a bar...

...ouch!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on November 15, 2006, 03:48:04 PM
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided
after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right
note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty
pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for
herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron
sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are
easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they
were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it
clean and shiny, In fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began
wearing them. I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as
no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit
because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
bit of fur showing.
Title: Apologies if you find this offensive
Post by: thewobbler on November 16, 2006, 03:33:38 PM
But I nearly wet myself when I saw this...

(http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/jumpinjesus!.gif)

Poor jesus
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on November 16, 2006, 03:36:08 PM
http://www.lejo.nu/dj.html
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cuchullainns Bhoy on November 16, 2006, 08:14:01 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbP4YAsd374

If you dont laugh, consider yourself dead inside
Title: St Arma's New Avatar
Post by: ITOB on November 17, 2006, 12:34:30 AM


http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r180/itob/BabyBib.jpg
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sky Blue on November 17, 2006, 08:17:56 AM
Admin can you remove this pornographic image? The above link IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!! Using a childs photograph like that is a disgrace. What if someone from her family or friends at nursery were to see that?

ITOB - can you report yourself to Admin again? You made an inappropriate post last night when you were drunk.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sky Blue on November 17, 2006, 10:19:04 AM
Get off my high horse? What sort of pervert thinks child porn is OK on a GAA Discussion Board? Unbelievable!! That ITOB should be reported to the Garda! Does that childs mother know he took that photo and posted it here?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on November 17, 2006, 10:21:10 AM
People can make up their own decision on this but I think that it is sick and would rather not see this sort of shit.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Guillem2 on November 17, 2006, 10:56:05 AM
It's not Child porn but it's certainly not funny IMO. It sick and should be removed. If ITOB took the photo he needs a good talking to.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ryano on November 17, 2006, 12:58:46 PM
Child porn!?!  :D You could get a job writing for the Orish sun! Headline, "Will somebody please think of the children..."

It's bloody funny thats what it is. Jeeezz some of ye would want to calm down a wee bit, it's the weekend lads, chill have a laugh. I have seen the e-mail before and it's a long long way from child porn or in my opinion even offensive. Did some of ye ring into Liveline yesterday to complain about Podge & Rodge's foul language too?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on November 17, 2006, 01:38:17 PM
Ireland's Own ads from the Armagh lonely-hearts column :
 
Grossly overweight turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably Derrytrasna area, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box09/08
 
Ballyhagan farmer, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything
considered. Even Portadown women. Box06/03
 
Heavy drinker, 35, Portadown area, seeks gorgeous sex addict
Interested in pints, fags, Gaelic football and starting scraps in the Tunnel at three in the
morning. Box73/82.
 
Bitter, disillusioned Killeavy man lately rejected by long-time
Fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still
Exists in this cruel county of hatchet-faced b1tches. Box53/41
 
Ginger-haired Keady troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and
Shirty After a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more (must not mind the smell of fish)
Box84/87
 
Artistic Maghery woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks by Lough Neagh,
writing poetry, unusual cow-dung and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as
we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box12/32
 
Chartered accountant, 30, Likes a drink, seeks female for
marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box23/45
 
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage
in the arse end of south Armagh seeks attractive 21-year old blonde
lady with big chest. Box40/27
 
Devil-worshiper,  Forkhill area, seeks like-minded lady for
wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and
slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box52/07
 
Attractive brunette, Blackwatertown, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Frankies nightclub, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's
not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Hugo Duncan records. Please,>Please! Box30/41
 
Lurgan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks
Alibi For the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on November 17, 2006, 01:40:40 PM
Quote from: Sky Blue on November 17, 2006, 10:19:04 AM
Get off my high horse? What sort of pervert thinks child porn is OK on a GAA Discussion Board? Unbelievable!! That ITOB should be reported to the Garda! Does that childs mother know he took that photo and posted it here?

Well that is just over the top. You might be offended by the picture and have every right to say so....but to label someone who isn't offended by it a pervert is perverse in itself. You should be ashamed of making such statements :-[
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SouthArmaghBandit on November 17, 2006, 01:44:01 PM
Poor effort there Lecale. We've all seen that one hundreds of time before about various counties/states etc. Marks - 1/10 Must do better next time.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristotle Flynn on November 17, 2006, 01:47:50 PM
Quote from: theskull1 on November 17, 2006, 01:40:40 PM

Well that is just over the top. You might be offended by the picture and have every right to say so....but to label someone who isn't offended by it a pervert is perverse in itself. You should be ashamed of making such statements :-[

the skull - Would you let that pervert take photographs like that of your daughter and post them on the world wide web
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on November 17, 2006, 01:51:49 PM
What's the definition of irony ?















Corny One for a Friday thread.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on November 17, 2006, 01:59:42 PM
I'm nearly afraid to put this one up..........


There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he
said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."
His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today
is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,
your prayers will be answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts
praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night
and realises that the night isn't over, so he prays another
hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the
next  morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed
and  prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this
morning and I'm still blind!"
And his mom says....... "I know, - April Fools!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sky Blue on November 17, 2006, 02:27:20 PM
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on November 17, 2006, 02:31:05 PM
if anyone is interested in forming  a lynch mob to get this poster i would be only to happy to get involved.   I have my own car and a full driving licence and am prepared to travel. i will expect milage however. I also have my own flaming torch(parafin provided) and long handled sythe.
I am not prepared to take on any leadership role as i tend to lose the head in these situations indeed i need to be kept on a very short leashe.
the weekend would really be best for me as i play squash on a tuesday and bridge on a thursday.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bacon on November 17, 2006, 02:48:15 PM
I'm with you on this one Guy Crouchback! let's form an orderly mob and hunt the pervert down!! Does any one no where we might start looking for the bastard? Should we lynch a few randoms just to smoke him out. I notice he's been in hiding since late last night.
I wouldn't want to be involverd in anything too violent but if we could make him cry a bit I'm sure everyone would be satisfied.

WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU ITOB! (the dirty photographer)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: magickingdom on November 17, 2006, 02:59:17 PM
what the fcuk? get a grip sky blue, porn? i dont think so... the wobblers one of jesus was worse in that it wasnt even funny...
Title: POKER PLAYER
Post by: An Fear Rua on November 17, 2006, 03:02:23 PM

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?."

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a
lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying , "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sky Blue on November 17, 2006, 03:40:39 PM
The Wobblers one was just daft. But are you saying that you can see absolutely nothing wrong with taking that sort of photo of a little kid and posting it on the web?  ???
Maybe I over re-acted this morning when I first saw it but I still think its inappropriate for a GAA discussion board. Imaagine how you would feel if that was your daughter or nice?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: OdoSkimodo on November 17, 2006, 03:47:32 PM
why are you criticising his daughter? you should be ashamed :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on November 17, 2006, 04:42:55 PM
I've just had a look at ITOBs post. I was afraid to look at it in work because of what Sky Blue etc were saying. It's not that bad.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristotle Flynn on November 17, 2006, 04:46:52 PM
You are entitled to your opinion but I don't agree. ITOB should remove the offending photograph and apologise to the childs family for posting it on the web.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on November 17, 2006, 04:51:43 PM
It's ironic that if the moral majority/Taliban on here had't started their campaign very few would have noticed the f**king thing. Now can we please get back to jokes on this thread?
Title: CATCH A GRIP
Post by: ITOB on November 17, 2006, 05:30:27 PM
For God's sake lads, what all the hullabaloo about.  Sure its only a flattering pic of Sth Arma Bandshit taken decades ago when he was young and innocent.  Hes doesn't look so cuddly these days and has much less hair.

I didn't take it the photo, think his Daddy did.  Sure didn't his sister herself give it to me last weekend (with permission to use it).  Last night she give me another one for fun.  Again I think it was taken by his Dad.  It too is quite nice, see what you think.
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r180/itob/74d98c75.jpg

What can I say to the non-sinners on this Thread (stand up Guiellim, Odo and Aristophile (sorry slippy keyboard problem again - didn't mean it)?  I promise to dutifully attend confession this weekend and hope for forgiveness.  I will even send some Father Ted's special sanctifying Holy Water round if this would help restore your faith in mankind.

Remembering what started this all off was the Bandit quoting me about reporting my self to the Moderator.  Although he deliberatley quoted me totally out of context he did it for fun and we all got a good laugh out of it (I too had a giggle).   Iit was so much fun and I would like now to volunteer for Bacon's and Crouchback's lynch mob, but only if I can throw the first stone.

PS: Guiellim, Odo and Aristophile.  They who laugh last probably had to have the joke explained to them. ??? Duh?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on November 18, 2006, 07:44:20 AM
 (sorry slippy keyboard problem again - didn't mean it)?
I wonder why? :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ITOB on November 18, 2006, 10:37:19 AM
An Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, 

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar of yen and today only get a hunat eighty? "

The bank teller said: "Fluctuations mate. "

The Asian guy says "Fluc you amelicans too "

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sky Blue on November 18, 2006, 12:20:23 PM
First he's a peado now he's a racist. Stay away ITOB.

(http://kingstonuu.org/images/mlk-kkk.jpg)
ITOB
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on November 18, 2006, 12:47:15 PM
A quiet afternoon in the house of commons.
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b387/lecale2/HouseofCommons.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Galwaybhoy on November 18, 2006, 12:54:35 PM
Hardly racist now Sky Blue.  In fact any jokes on the subject of colour, Race, Nationality what ever it may be is always funny.  Be it Asian, American, Irish, English ect its still good.  Dosent mean someone is racist.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on November 18, 2006, 01:39:11 PM
Quote from: Sky Blue on November 18, 2006, 12:20:23 PM
First he's a peado now he's a racist. Stay away ITOB.

Sky blue...you are well out of order there. Could someone not take you to court for making such accusations.

To answer your question to me.....no I would not approve of my children wearing such clothing but I can laugh at a picture when I see it whilst at the same time feel sorry for any child that had a parent who would put this on him or her. Obviously there are many people that do

http://www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml

Does this make them all peados?....I very much doubt it. I think its time for you Sky Blue to start retracting some of your comments
Title: Rise up against the thought police!
Post by: gallsman on November 18, 2006, 02:07:14 PM
Sky Blue, I hope the press gets a good shot of you campaigning against "Borat" outside your local cinema if that's how easily you get offended. ITOB's image was in no way pornographic. A warped sense of humour perhaps, but a bloody good one. Go to t-shirthell.com and you'll find many worse that you'll be in stitches over. Wise up the lot of you, accusing people of things you whe you don't even know their meaning. Pathetic.
Title: SKY BLUE
Post by: ITOB on November 18, 2006, 02:26:31 PM
Best example of Pot & Kettle I've seen for a while.  Cracker KKC photo though. Your comments on this Thread suggest you would be very confortable in the company of the guy in it.

However I cannot take your comments seriously but instead believe you are just winding up the likes of Guelim, Odo and Aristotle who do seem to have some personal principle-based issues they need to deal with.  You are simply a Master Winder-Upper.  If you are being serious however,  I must then ask if you attend  many meetings of the Intolerent Holier-Than-Thou Society of Instant Justice and Certain Execution?

With regards to Bacon's and Crouchback's lynch mob.  I am very interested in becoming a member (best way to avoid being lynched).  Perhaps you arrange use of the uniforms modeled by your mate in your photo.  By the way, if you, Guelim, Odo or Aristotle want talk this through I will be in Clones tomorrow (opps just give the Lynch Mob my location).
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 18, 2006, 02:33:06 PM
Silence in court!

In the case of ITOB versus Sky Blue, I have reflected on this case and find for the Defendant ITOB.

The subject in the picture is too young too read, does not use the internet and will be unrecognisable when it grows up, and therefore will not suffer unduely. The picture was not taken by ITOB, who simply posted it for the pleasure of GAA Board posters, a roguish lot, but well able to differentiate between obscene material and humour (or valid attempts at humour).

Indeed barrister MagicKingdom added a valid point that Wobblers cartoon is much more offensive yet nobody seems to mind.

I also refer readers to paragraph 4, section5 (1) (b) of Schedule 1 in the GAA Board Act which does not exist.

The Plaintiff Sky Blue shall pay all court costs and do two hours community service, working as a comedian in a strip club of his/her choice. And don't even think of appealing.

Lord Chief Justice Orior of Ard Mhacha.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 4everGAA on November 18, 2006, 02:45:52 PM
hear hear Orior
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on November 18, 2006, 05:28:20 PM
f**k sake lads this was supposed to be a joke thread and youse eejits have hijacked it with shite just like the Armagh heads do with other threads....I use to look forward to reading a good yarn on this thread .....in fact this whole board has become a joke since the changeover with a new arsehole joining everyday....my own county included......makes me yearn for the old board when all we had was one Portadown dickhead who spouted shite everytime he came on.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: pintsofguinness on November 18, 2006, 07:43:21 PM
5sams
Quotef**k sake lads this was supposed to be a joke thread and youse eejits have hijacked it with shite just like the Armagh heads do with other threads...
f**k sake  ::) Repeat something often enough it might become the truth, what threads have the "armagh heads" hijacked now?

Quotein fact this whole board has become a joke since the changeover with a new arsehole joining everyday.
Feel free to leave.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on November 20, 2006, 03:37:55 AM
Jesus H f**king Christ - what is going on here, will the legendary jokes thread ever be the same. Talk about some PC cnut hijacking something unreasonably and turning it into something it isn't
Skyblue - the parents took the photograph and dressed the child in it - now as far as I'm concerned to not dress the child might constitute some form of child abuse, but the harmless titallating message on the front does not however constitute child abuse in any shape or form.

What star do travellers follow?


Joe Dolan ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: winghalfun on November 20, 2006, 11:08:56 AM
Below is an exclusive photo of ITOB furiously firing off his latest missive.

(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/2136/hardatworkbf3.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on November 20, 2006, 11:50:35 AM
(http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/c/c6/FATHER_TED_Down_with_this_sort_of_thing.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on November 20, 2006, 12:34:32 PM
Sky Blue
(http://www.apex-ephemera.com/FloridaLabels/graphics/puritan.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 21, 2006, 12:07:08 AM
Whooops!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true
Title: Re: OK, a wee bit sick but I'm sure she'll not be hard done by
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on November 21, 2006, 08:08:01 AM
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said
in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped".

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this" After his break up with Heather, Paul
was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul
said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on. Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that
infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible"
a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause.

"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless".

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I've had it, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says
"try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt - her leg fell in the river.

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please.
Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who
can fill her shoe.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh Cúchulainns on November 21, 2006, 07:06:24 PM
A newly married couple begin the long drive back to the airport at the end of the honeymoon, neither is in a good mood as they have just have their first married row which was very bitter,

not wishing to give in and concede defeat they remain silent until they pass a pig farm

The girl wanting to get one over on her partner blurts 'relatives of yours' and nodded in the direction of the farm

to which the partner responded 'yep, they're my in-laws'


as far as i know they still arent talking.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fionntamhnach on November 21, 2006, 07:49:51 PM
A Northside girl and a Northside guy are in a bar when the girlnotices something strange about the wellies the guy is wearing. She says,

"Scuse me sir, Oi aint being funny or nuffin, but why doz one of your wellies av an L on it and the udder av R on it? So the guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Jaaasus", exclaims the girl, "So DAT's why me knickers uv got C&A on dem.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fionntamhnach on November 21, 2006, 07:52:04 PM
A dog walks into a hardware shop and approaches the counter. He see's the attendant and says "Hello, Im looking for a job... Anything going?"

The attendant replys "soory, we dont hire talking dogs, would you not be better off going to the circus?"

The dog looks back at the man as if he has two heads, and replys..... "What the F**K would the circus want with a plumber!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on November 22, 2006, 08:37:03 AM
Worst Burglar
http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/red/red_player.html?id=331&link=RED
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 24, 2006, 05:54:09 PM
This one should waste a few minutes
http://www.psychology.org.nz/industrial/aguanta.htm

if you are any good at it, either become a US air force pilot or perhaps try out for the Irish International Rules team.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: pintsofguinness on November 26, 2006, 08:53:30 PM
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
likea mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with
them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>
>>.
>>.
>>.
>>.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: pintsofguinness on November 26, 2006, 09:01:02 PM
 After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let
me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundredand five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said thecop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Title: Advent Calendar 2006
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on November 30, 2006, 03:19:33 PM
http://christmas.calmasylum.com/dickinson_dees/calendar.php
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on December 01, 2006, 08:13:41 AM
http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on December 01, 2006, 08:17:55 AM
If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on December 01, 2006, 03:25:59 PM
QuoteFourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

   1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

   3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

   4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

   6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

   7. Never lick a steak knife.

   8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

   9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

  13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

  14. Your friends love you anyway.


Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on December 07, 2006, 03:13:38 PM
4 stages of Santa

1. You believe in Santa

2. You don't believe in Santa

3. You ARE Santa

4. You look like Santa

I'll grab my elvish hat......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on December 11, 2006, 09:33:07 AM
 The Story of Christmas (adapted for Dubs)
>
>Dere's dis boord called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wha' de fook is
dah?).
>She's not married or nuttin', but she's got dis felleh, Joe, righ'? He
does
>joinery an' all dah. Mary lives with him in a flah dowwen in Nazareh.
>
>One day Mary meets dis yungfelleh Gabriel. She's like "Wha are yeh
bleedin'
>lookin' ah?" Gabriel just goes "You're fookin' pregnant so yeh are".
Mary's
>scarleh. She gives him a fookin' earful: "Are you bleedin' startin'?
I'm no
>fookin' sluh. I never bin wih no one!"
>
>So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is
>on a mad buzz, bud. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
all
>dah.
>
>She sez te Mary "Ah howeyeh, Mary, I can feel me chiseller in me
stummick
>and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all deh money we'll be getting
from
>deh social." Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're righ' ".
>
>Mary an' Joe haven't goh a fookin' bean so they have to ponse a donkey,
an'
>go dowwen te Behlehem on dah. Dey get to dis boozer an' Mary wants to
stop,
>yeah? To have her yungfelleh an' all dah.
>
>But there's no fookin' no roohem at the inn, righ'? So Mary an' Joe
break
>an' into this garridge, only it's filled wih animals. Cowis an' sheep
an'
>all dah.
>
>Then these three lads tourn up, lookin bleedin' rapih, wih crowens on
der
>heads an' all dah'. They're like "Ah Jaysis, howeyeh!" an' say dey're
deh
>tree wise men from de East Wall.
>
>Joe goes: 'If you're so bleedin wiyis, wha de fook are yizzer doin' wih
dis
>Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why didn't yeh just bring gold, 20 Blue and
>Boorberry?'
>
>It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got

>anudder message bout some Punchis Pilah' hardchaw.
>
>He's like 'Deh coppers is comin an' they're killin all de chisslers.
You
>better fook off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be fookin' off yer
bleedin'
>rocker if yeh tink I'm goin' te fookin' Egypton a fookin' donkey'
>Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, bud. But it's your look out if yeh stay.' So

>they go dowwen teh Egypt till they've stopped killin deh foorst-born
an'
>all an' annyways it's safe an' dah.
>
>Then Joe and Mary and Jeesis go back to Nazareh, an' Jeesis turns water

>inteh Dutch Gold.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 12, 2006, 12:15:18 PM
The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on December 14, 2006, 11:51:35 AM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg
is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head
and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible, because they emphasized his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg
and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is extremely furious now,
because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg
to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an
accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as
f***ing toffee apple!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on December 14, 2006, 11:52:38 AM
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her. Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you." 

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter. "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity." Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. 

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. in the distance was a country club, around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. 

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. 

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. 

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.
"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between the two." The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell". "I choose hell." Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. when the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled. 

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on December 14, 2006, 12:22:25 PM
Bought the wife's Christmas presents. Black boots, small red dress, fishnet tights and a one way ticket to Ipswich.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 14, 2006, 12:37:49 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on December 14, 2006, 12:22:25 PM
Bought the wife's Christmas presents. Black boots, small red dress, fishnet tights and a one way ticket to Ipswich.

Don't know whether to be disgusted or laugh at that one! lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on December 21, 2006, 02:36:05 PM
Colemanballs
Note of explanation for readers : David Coleman is a sports commentator famed for his verbal slips. The magazine 'Private Eye' started a 'Colemanballs' section, which has extended to cover all commentators, and has spawned a series of books.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LCQF, 1992

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"Fulham Football Club seeks a Manager / Genius."
Newspaper ad, 1991.

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy."
Jimmy Magee, RTE WC commentator.

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City manager before UEFA Cup game v Bayern Munich.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week."
George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?"
STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
RON AKTINSON in a TV interview

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio

"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live

"They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
BRIAN MOORE, ITV

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
ALEX FERGUSON

"He (Brian Laudrup) wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
TREVOR STEVEN, STV

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day

"...an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a black side."
GARY LINEKER, BBC

"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
RON JONES, Radio 5 Live

"That's twice now he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal."
BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
BRUCE RIOCH, ITV

"And I suppose they (Spurs) are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
JOHN MOTSON, BBC

"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied
to his foot with a ball of string..."
IAN DARKE, Radio 5

"I never make predictions and I never will."
PAUL GASCOIGNE

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
JIMMY HILL

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
BRIAN MOORE

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
ALAN BALL

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
MIKE INGHAM

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
RON ATKINSON

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
RON ATKINSON

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
JOHN GREIG

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
MARTIN HODGE

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
JAMES SANDERSON

"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
RON GREENWOOD

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
DEREK RAE

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
MIKE INGHAM

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
BOBBY ROBSON

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
ALAN PARRY

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
JOHN MOTSON

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun."
BOBBY CHARLTON

You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
DAVE BASSETT

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
JOHN HOLLINS

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
DAVE BASSETT

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
ALAN GREEN

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
PETER JONES

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
JIMMY HILL

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
RICHARD PARK

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
TREVOR BROOKING

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
SPORTS ROUNDUP

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
JOHN LYALL

"In comparison, there's no comparison."
RON GREENWOOD

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
RON ATKINSON

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
BRIAN MOORE

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
JOHN GREIG

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
RON ATKINSON

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
IAN DARK

"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."
JOHN GIDMAN

"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
DAVID ACFIELD

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"
Bryan Robson (1990)

"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce (1992)

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"
Kevin Keegan

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson"
Ron Greenwood

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs"
Denis Law

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man"
Norman Whiteside

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson (1979)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson - BBC TV

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona"
Kevin Keegan

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury"
Ray French - Sky TV Rugby

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"

"What a man, what a lift, what a jerk"
Jimmy McGee on weight lifting in olympics (jerk being a movement in
weight lifting)

"Watch her spread her legs and show her class"
Jimmy McGee on the last 300 metres of a long distance final
(Olympics).

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother"
Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Comment
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on December 21, 2006, 04:10:55 PM
Don't read if your gonna be offended now

Whats the difference between Mr Kipling and the Ipswich murderer,
Mr Kipling put 6 tarts in a box

i warned ya
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 21, 2006, 08:46:12 PM
family fortunes answers
An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."
A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."
A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."
A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."
An animal with horns: "A bee..."
A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."
Something made of wool: "A sheep.."
Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."
Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."
An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."
Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."
Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."
A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."
A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."
A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")
Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."
A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."
A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."
A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."
A famous Dick: "Carrot.."
A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."
Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."
A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."
A yellow fruit: "Orange.."
An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."
Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."
Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."
A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."
Something you beat: "An apple.."
Something associated with rain: "Water.."
An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."
Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."
A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."
A popular TV soap: "Dove.."
Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."
Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."
A fast animal: "A hippo.."
Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."
Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
Something that has a shell: "Batman.."
Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."
Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."
Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."
A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."
A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."
A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."
An animal with big ears: "A bear.."
Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."
Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."
A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."
Something you pull: "A potato.."
An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."
A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."
A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."
A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."
Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."
A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."
Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."
A type of record: "A floppy disk.."
A type of large cat: "Persian.."
A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."
Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."
An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."
A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."
Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."
A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."
A game played in the dark: "Charades.."
Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."
A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."
A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."
Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."
A famous royal: "Mail.."
Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."
An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."
Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."
A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."
One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."
A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."
Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."
A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."
A type of cut: "Skull.."
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."
Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."
A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."
A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."
Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."
A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."
A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."
A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."
Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."
Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."
Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."
A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."
Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."
A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."
A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."
A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."
Something red: "My cardigan.."
A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a hole in it: "A window.."
Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."
Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."
A domestic animal: "A leopard.."
Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."
Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."
Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."
The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."
Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
Title: Who's on first
Post by: Hardy on December 22, 2006, 10:12:32 AM
Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first" was mentioned on the Fab 50 movies thread, so I thought I'd post it here for Christmas (below) - one of the great comedy routines.

(Courtesy of baseball-almanac.com):
The skit was originally done on the radio live (each & every time) until the legendary duo later included it on The Naughty Nineties compilation. Movie fans worldwide attended the premier of "The Naughty Nineties" just to physically "see" this exchange on the big screen versus hearing it on the radio.

The general premise behind the exchange has Costello, a peanut vendor named Sebastion Dinwiddle, talking to Abbott who is Dexter Broadhurt, the manager of the mythical St. Louis Wolves. However, before Costello can get behind the plate, Abbott wants to make sure he knows everyone's name on the team...

(The sound quality is not great.)
http://www.geocities.com/hardyarse/whos_on_first.wma
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on December 22, 2006, 10:24:12 AM
Thannks Hardy always loved that piece but havent heard it for ages.
The link works and plays but freezes my machine and gives me some odd errors, but I think its worth it!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 22, 2006, 10:29:05 AM
Sorry about that - here's another link. It has the full text and click on the radio at the bottom for the sound clip.

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on December 22, 2006, 10:32:26 AM
Thats a clasic Hardy!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Flat Hedgehog on January 12, 2007, 08:38:25 AM

BRITISH    WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


 


IRISH    WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

 


ITALIAN    WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


 


JEWISH    WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

 


CHINESE    WOMEN


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

 


INDIAN   WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

 


AFRICAN   WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

 


MEXICAN    WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

 


The POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on January 12, 2007, 08:57:22 AM
I thought this website was a joke when I first seen it

www.askmommy.org

but it turns out to be a self-help website for bachelors in how to cook, clean and wash up after yerself. :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristotle Flynn on January 12, 2007, 09:33:13 AM
I think that's abit racist Hedgehog. I have reported to Admin. You may wish to edit before it is deletted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on January 12, 2007, 10:03:44 AM
Thanks for that Hardy - brightened up the day considerably :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pietas on January 12, 2007, 10:20:50 AM
Quote from: Aristotle Flynn on January 12, 2007, 09:33:13 AM
I think that's abit racist Hedgehog. I have reported to Admin. You may wish to edit before it is deletted.
Ah jaysus!
That's political correctness gone mad...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: winghalfun on January 12, 2007, 12:38:56 PM
QuoteThe POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

There is a couple of Latvian ones moved into our our area recently. Allegedly they are some goers.
Pictures and videos currently doing the rounds.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on January 12, 2007, 12:55:11 PM
We've travelled in time and can finally bring you tomorrow (or next month's) news today. Here are the stories that will be making the headlines in 2007.


Chelsea buy Watford's points


Chelsea moved to the top of the Premiership table this afternoon after successfully buying Watford's points. The £14m points transfer has shocked the rest of the Premiership, as Chelsea had been written off as title contenders but, with Watford having relinquished all hope of staying in the top flight, the Blues' purchase of all their points benefits both clubs.


Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon commented: "These ten points are exactly what the club needs at the moment and could be the difference that helps us retain the Premiership and promote the Chelsea brand to rabid capitalists and the morally vacant across the globe. For Watford, the money will allow them to rebuild their squad to have another go at promotion next year. It's a win-win situation"


The Chelsea executive then sloped off the stage with a maniacal laugh while killing a kitten.


The champions now have seventy points, four points ahead of Manchester United who are rumoured to be in negotiations with Sheffield United over acquiring some of their points in a season long loan deal.


The FA were unavailable for comment regarding the legality of this move. A spokesman would say nothing more than: "They are enjoying a well earned break in the Bahamas on a yacht donated by a generous owner of one of our top clubs and are not expected back anytime soon."


Injury forces Fergie's hand


Following the worst run of injuries and accidents in the club's history, Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is forced to strap on the boots himself.


His injury worries started with the loss of Ryan Giggs in a freak chest-waxing accident. This set off a string of setbacks including Cristiano Ronaldo winking when the clock struck and having his features frozen in a painful rictus of smuggery, Alan Smith sustaining third degree chemical burns to his scalp and neck while touching up his hairdo with industrial strength bleach and Paul Scholes receiving a lifetime ban from the game for being just a bit too ginger.


These were followed by several more mundane injuries and the shocking revelation that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer had, for the last two seasons, been impersonated by a twelve year old girl from Essex named Leslie.


With his squad down to 10 men Ferguson had no choice but to put on a replica kit (bought at full price in the Old Trafford shop) and take the field as a holding midfielder.


Ferguson's plan backfired badly though as, mere minutes after taking the field, he was shown a red card for kicking referee Graham Poll. Medical staff are currently employing a crowbar and a vat of goose fat to remove Ferguson's boot from a very personal part of Poll's anatomy.


Arsenal misfire again


In an unprecedented incident, Sheffield United failed to show up for their clash with the Gunners at the Emirates stadium.


Officials were at a loss concerning what action to take until Arsene Wenger turned their attention to an arcane entry in the FA's rule book.


Law 14.1 sub clause 4 (1912) states: Any team that fails to show up for a match without proffering a valid and believable excuse shall not forfeit the match. Instead the game shall be played by the remaining side, thereby punishing the offending side by destroying their goal difference.


While Arsenal played some scintillating football, dominating their opponents (who were stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the M5) for most of the match, they were once again guilty of overplaying and wasting chances.


After 90 minutes where the Gunners hit the upright an incredible 45 times and almost put the ball into their own net, the match ended in a disappointing 0-0 draw.


Rumours abound that other teams are set to follow the Blades example and not bother showing up for games against the Gunners.


Arsene Wenger had to be forcibly prevented from committing ritual suicide after the result and was placed in restraints and carted away while screaming: "Beautiful football, the Arsenal way..." repeatedly.


Curbishley, Pardew cause riot


Chaos broke out at the Valley yesterday when Alan Curbishley and Alan Pardew seemingly forgot who was managing which team in the East London derby between Charlton and West Ham.


After West Ham scored the opener, Pardew celebrated like a demented drunk who has just won the lottery for a good ten seconds before realising that he was not managing the club anymore.


When Darren Bent equalised ten minutes later he ran to his manager to celebrate, only to be intercepted by a clearly jubilant Curbishley.


At this point huge swathes of fans added to the confusion by swapping shirts and cheering on players at random. The metropolitan police had to be called in after thousands of fans arrived at the wrong homes after the game, cueing hysterical phone calls from wives and family ranting about imposters and strange men breaking and entering.


At last count police had sent several genetic samples to their forensics lab in an effort to clear up the confusion and establish the identity of large numbers of traumatised east Londoners.


Police spokesman Jim Rosemount said: " It would appear that an incident of mass hysteria broke out in Charlton on Saturday, brought on by psychological trauma and the accidental ingestion of stadium quality hot-dogs on a massive scale.


"We have spoken to police psychologists and there is some agreement that what happened is the result of the fickle nature of modern football and an inherent human reaction to disloyalty and general back stabbing.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh Cúchulainns on January 12, 2007, 02:49:15 PM
excellent windmill abu.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: bennydorano on January 18, 2007, 03:02:21 PM
Got this texted to me last night, classic.

After David Ervine's recent funeral, his son went to the coroner and asked could he have his moustache to keep, when he asked why he said cos thats the tash my father wore :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Border Fox on January 18, 2007, 04:49:18 PM
Excellecnt but sick :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 18, 2007, 04:51:08 PM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 20, 2007, 07:36:00 PM
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... "

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 22, 2007, 03:51:06 PM
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Carmen Stateside on January 22, 2007, 04:56:05 PM
 :D :D :D very good Ziggs! enjoyed that!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on January 26, 2007, 02:48:48 PM
A lad is out on the pull, gets chatting to a girl at the bar and it's going very well.

He plucks up the courage and asks:
"what's the chances of a shag tonight?"

She replys:
"Oh, I'm on my menstrual cycle"

Lad replys:
"That's OK, I can follow you home on my scooter"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2007, 01:02:18 PM
Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV

& Radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him."



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely

horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live' said:  "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's

that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to

leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so

hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better

today after a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like

this."



10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They

seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in

his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to

use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on January 29, 2007, 01:06:45 PM
did you hear about the Horny egg?

He ran down the street with his yolk hanging out ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2007, 01:13:44 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to
tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a
bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 30, 2007, 08:35:46 AM
Two nuns, Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.
Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga. 'Whit are we gonnae dae?'
'Turn thae windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination,says
Sister Helen.Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about,but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican,' says Sister Helen. Sister Senga turns on the windae
washirs.Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga.She opens the window and
shouts......."Get tae f**k aff the f**kin' car ya wee b*st**d"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 30, 2007, 12:27:53 PM
Important questions in the world:


Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only down-under

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on January 30, 2007, 12:29:11 PM
A man and a giraffe stroll into a bar on a sunny Friday afternnon after a hard days slog.  They have every intention of getting blocked.  Anyway day turns into night and after at least 40 half uns the giraffe collapses in a heap at the foot of the bar.  The man, disgusted in his incapable drinking partner, finishes of his vodka and red bull, gathers his belongings and heads for the door.  As he reaches the door the barman shouts to him, "Hi, you cant leave that lyin there!"  The man drunkenly spins on his heels and shouts back, "Its not a lion, its a giraffe dickhead!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on January 30, 2007, 12:35:32 PM
here's a few straight out of the John McBlain book.

A UFO lands on the Garvaghy Road.  An inquisitive local spots a little green man disembark his ship and starts walking towards him.  The local confronts him, " Here mate, what are ya? A taig or a prod?"  The ailien replies, "I'm a martian!"  The local bangs the nut in him and says, "Well your not marchin down this road ya wee wan**r!"

Big Ian and Eileen Paisley are called into the clinic for a chat. Eileen goes in first and whne she comes out hte big doc is called in.  The doctor says to him, "Ian, I've some terrible news.  Its Eileen, she's got acute angina. I'm so sorry."  Big Ian laughs and replies, "Sure what's wrong with that, she's got a great set of tits too!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on January 30, 2007, 12:38:50 PM
The passengers on the long distance flight to Los Angeles were settling into their seats, getting ready for the 8 hour trip when suddenly they heard this tapping noise increasing in sound. To their horror, two men, in pilot's uniforms, wandered up the aisle with white sticks and dark glasses.

The passengers continued to look on in sheer disbelief as the two men eventually made it to the top of the aisle and wandered into the cockpit.

Shortly after, the usual announcement came over the tannoy, "This is your captain speaking. We hope you enjoy your flight etc." But fear and trepidation filled the aircraft as flight departure time grew ever nearer.

Eventually, the engines started up, the plane began to taxi and headed towards its departure lane. As the plane cruised down the runway, the passengers' nerves increased ten-fold - what was going to happen. The plane accelerated faster and faster - down the runway it sped; the passengers couldn't take it anymore. They started crying and screaming - panic filled the plane - their shrieks and gasps of total terror grew louder and louder. It looked like the plane was running out of airstrip when suddenly, just at the very edge of the runway, just as they were about to crash, she took off. The passengers cheered for joy, applauded and shook hands with each other, breathed hugh collective sighs of relief and eventually, eventually, they felt they could sit back to relax and enjoy their flight.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and congratulated him on the take-off. "You know, captain, one of these days, the passengers are just going to scream too late".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday: Zen Guide to Life
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on February 02, 2007, 09:30:27 AM
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just go away and leave me alone.

The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on February 02, 2007, 10:43:26 AM
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....


" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on February 02, 2007, 11:01:47 AM
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He's playing a U2
concert in Glasgow, Scotland and asks the audience for total quiet. Then in
the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish
accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence, "Well ...
F*ckin' stop doin' it then ... "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on February 02, 2007, 01:38:55 PM
I was toll that happened in Croke Pk. Were u at rthe Glasgow consert?
Title: Screenmachine..
Post by: 5 Sams on February 02, 2007, 01:55:24 PM
That sounds like the same wee Japanese man who approached Cliff Richard when he was singing songs at Wimbledon a few years ago during a downpour when play had stopped.

He asked Sir Cliff to sing "Itchy Fanny".

Cliff was slighty taken aback by the request and reluctantly asked the wee Japanese bloke to sing the first line as he didnt recognise the title of the song.

Yer wee man starts into it......."Itchy Fanny....., why we don't talk anymore"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on February 02, 2007, 02:29:27 PM
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning andit was amazing!" (Pat Glenn – weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." ( New Zealand rugby commentator, Murray Mexted).

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it,
which is identical." ( Murray Walker )

7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg
Norman)

8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the Same
thing again." (Terry Venables)

9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio commenatator).

12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the
air for even longer." (David Acfield)

13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?" (Stuart Hall Radio 5 live)

14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics 1976)

15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

17. A CNN female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ....
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on February 02, 2007, 02:55:47 PM
A drunk staggers into the Chapel,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 04, 2007, 09:17:36 PM
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 04, 2007, 09:18:42 PM
Man in hospital wearing oxygen mask....
"Nurse" he mumbles......." are my testicles black?".
Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "there is nothing wrong with them sir".
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly......"thanks for that, it was wonderful but listen very, very carefully........Are - my - test - results - back ? "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on February 05, 2007, 10:06:59 AM
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"

A) A Peanut

B) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realised that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

(http://www.bsnews.org/articles/images/1149047899_millionaire_idiot.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on February 09, 2007, 12:33:42 PM
The groundsman at Croke Park is worried about the state of the grass  after the rugby games, and thinks he might need to fertilize it. Steve Staunton tells him not to worry, that he is going to be putting a pile of shite on it in a few weeks time!!! ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on February 09, 2007, 12:53:46 PM
Tommy Cooper one-liners

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What?
Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"How's that? "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either
my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2007, 02:56:36 PM
>>Subject: FW: lipstick in school
>>
>>
>>Lipstick in School -- Priceless!! Ya gotta love this principal.
>>
>>According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was

>>recently faced with a unique problem.
>>
>>A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would

>>put it on in the bathroom.
>>
>>That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press

>>their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>>
>>Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the
>>girls would put them back.
>>
>>Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
>>all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man.
>>
>>She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem

>>for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
>>
>>To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
>>the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
>>
>>He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
>>the mirror with it.
>>
>>Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>>
>>There are teachers.... and then there are educators
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2007, 02:58:30 PM
Think before you speak...

 
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.   
Have you ever spoken and wished that you  could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who  did....
 
 
FIRST  TESTIMONY:
 
 
I walked into a  hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,   
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around  and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
 
 
SECOND  TESTIMONY:

 
 
I was at the golf  store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the  women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was  approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the  store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
 
 
THIRD  TESTIMONY:
 
 
My sister and I  were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy  and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
 
 
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
 
 
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let m e go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of  laughter
 
 
FIFTH  TESTIMONY:
 
 
Have you ever asked  your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of  problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we  stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.   
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty  in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I  kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't  have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't  have an accident?"   
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he  must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.   
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"   
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people  nearly  choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the  best laugh they'd ever had!
 
 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
 
 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed  female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she  speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed t o have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 16, 2007, 09:05:14 AM
Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only down-under

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on February 19, 2007, 11:25:34 AM
51 things we have learned from the movies:

1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

32. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

33. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

34. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

35. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

36. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

37. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

39. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

40. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

41. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

42. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

43. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

44. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

45. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

46. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

47. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

48. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

49. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

50. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

51. Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on February 25, 2007, 01:45:38 AM
On the first day of school the students brought in gifts for their teacher.

Katherine the daughter of the candy maker brought in a box of sweets.
The teacher says " thank you you for the lovely treats".

Michael the son of the florist brought in a nice vase of flowers.
Teacher " oh Michael the roses are beautiful"

Marie the daughter of the produce man brings in a basket of fruit.
Teacher " these apples are just wonderful".

Kevin the son of the liquor store owner brings in a big heavy box with liquid dripping of the bottom corner.
Teacher dips her finger in the liquid and tastes it. "Kevin is this wine ?"  No teacher its .. Kevin ? as she tastes it again is it champaign? " No teacher Im trying to tell ya its.... " Kevin this must be a brandy"as she tastes it again.

Kevin " teacher if you give me a minute I am trying to tell you we got you a puppy".

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on February 27, 2007, 09:34:04 AM
Unusual Sporting Injuries

The Date Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.

Arsenal's Perry Groves was on the bench When Arsenal went scored  he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from the physio.

Back in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.

David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote.

In 1970 the career of Brentford's Goalie Chic Brodie was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.

Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection

Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.

Indonesian star Mistar, 25, was tragically killed by a herd of pigs that invaded his team's training pitch before a Cup fixture in 1995.

Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.

In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!

Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.

Irish International Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control

Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win

David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.

Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye

Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.

Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.

Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin

Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.

Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board. We don't know if he was ironing at the time.

Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there. 

Spain (and Valencia) keeper Santiago Canizares was ruled out of the 2002 World Cup finals after a bottle of aftershave dropped on his foot caused cuts and serious tendon damage.

David Beckham needed stitches above his left eye following a dressing room incident after Arsenal's 2-0 FA Cup win at Old Trafford on 15th Feb 2003. The injury was caused by his manager Sir Alex Ferguson kicking a football boot at him.

Crystal Palace keeper Alex Kolinko was hit around the head by his boss Trevor Francis in October 2002. Kolinko was on the bench, and Francis took offence when he laughed at their conceding a goal. The FA fined Francis 1000 pounds over the incident.

In 1996, Grimsby manager Brian Laws broke midfielder Ivan Bonetti's cheekbone after the Italian threw food at him in a dressing-room row. Laws escaped punishment, but they both were forced to make public apologies.

Shaun Goater injured a foot while playing for Man City against Birmingham in the autumn for 2003. The injury was sustained when he kicked an advertising hoarding in celebration of a goal by Nic Anelka. Goater had to be substituted.

Also in 2003, Villa striker Darius Vassell injured himself while attempting DIY surgery on his own foot. He had a blood blister under the toe-nail on his big toe and was using a power drill to drill through the nail and drain the wound. Drilling to drain such blisters is not an uncommon procedure, but normally it is conducted by a qualified person under sterile conditions. Vassell made it worse, picked up an infection, and had to have half the nail removed.

Stalybridge Celtic keeper Mark Statham missed a game in 1999 after trapping his head in a car door. We presume that his absence was caused by a resulting injury (rather than that he was still stuck in the car at kick-off) but we don't know what the injury was.

Halifax defender Dave Robinson put his shoulder out falling off a kid's slide
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SammyG on February 27, 2007, 09:43:03 AM
A man was found wandering around Dublin, in the early hours of Sunday morning. He was wearing stockings, suspenders, lacy panties and an England rugby shirt.

Police removed his rugby shirt to save his family any embarrassment.












sorry I know it's an old one but I thought it deserved to be revived.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 27, 2007, 09:50:40 AM
A few GAA ones:

Larry Tompkins's famous sunburned feet causing him to miss a Munster championship match.

Joe Cassels slipped in the bath in his New York hotel on an All-Stars tour - sprained his ankle, I think.

Local legend when I was a young lad had it that a club defender in Meath lost a finger when his ring caught in a nail on the crossbar.

A famous and sad non-GAA one was that East-European basketball player who celebrated a winning score by head-butting the concrete or steel pillar that holds the basket. It was shown on TV. He's in a wheelchair to this day.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SlimShady on February 27, 2007, 09:57:33 AM
Aldergrove Minors played at our place a few years back, they came bounding out like men possessed. One big midfielder bounced down the steps and leapt towards the field but as he leapt off the last step he went too high- whacked the iron frame of the gates with his head and the ambulance had to be called.

we have removed said frame since.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 12, 2007, 04:35:55 PM
If Only

Letter To The Bank Manager

Below is an actual letter sent to a UK Bank. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian (National British Newspaper).

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2007, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

Excellent :D

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 12, 2007, 04:39:27 PM

>This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie
Barker
>could
>say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony
is
>that
>they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery
was
>too
>much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting
the
>spoonerisms as you read;
>
>
>
>This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
>
>
>
>Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
>worked
>very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At
the
>end
>of the day, she was knucking fackered.
>
>
>
>The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and
>the
>other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;
they
>had
>fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
the
>ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
>
>
>
>Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her
>name
>was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a
>pumpkin
>and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who
>had
>buge hollocks and dig bicks
>
>
>
>The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
>there
>would be a cucking falamity.
>
>
>
>At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly
>
>the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella,
>and
>she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
>
>
>
>The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the
>
>sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let
>off
>a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that
>fugly
>ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had
>lifted,
>he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and
>their
>feet stucking funk.
>
>
>
>Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack
>in
>the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig
>bard on.
>
>
>
>He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
>
>
>
>Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived
>his
>life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 13, 2007, 02:14:53 PM
*One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 20, 2007, 05:19:16 PM
Understanding Engineers - One
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Two

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Three

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Four
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's the story with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 20, 2007, 07:23:20 PM
Quote from: Hardy on March 20, 2007, 05:19:16 PM

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


That actually made me laugh!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Croí na hÉireann on March 20, 2007, 08:28:49 PM
Is it wrong to lol at "Understanding Engineers - Four", very funny  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on March 23, 2007, 11:45:17 AM
They have found a cure for homosexuality.
Lip balm, you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on March 23, 2007, 12:05:45 PM
A granny has trouble inserting a suppository and asks her grandson for help. When the old dear bends over he asks "Do I put it in the brown hole or feed the turkey?" :-\ :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Goats Do Shave on March 23, 2007, 12:07:09 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on March 23, 2007, 12:05:45 PM
A granny has trouble inserting a suppository and asks her grandson for help. When the old dear bends over he asks "Do I put it in the brown hole or feed the turkey?" :-\ :-\

:'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SlimShady on March 23, 2007, 12:07:23 PM
its lunchtime ye dirty hoor!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on March 23, 2007, 03:33:18 PM
A college clas was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that they had to include the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ story int he entire class.


"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: harps2002champs on March 23, 2007, 05:12:53 PM
Lesbian joins weightwatchers!

Teachers says 'You are what you eat!'

Lesbian replies ' Are you calling me a ****???'

:) :) :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 28, 2007, 03:05:45 PM
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the intensive care unit (ICU).

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed, the doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?
Title: Re: Possibly more sick than corny
Post by: ExiledGael on March 30, 2007, 05:06:59 PM
After the cricketing collapse at the world cup the Pakistani's have a new national sport,
Bobslaying
Title: Re: Possibly more sick than corny
Post by: Orior on March 30, 2007, 06:01:20 PM
Quote from: ExiledGael on March 30, 2007, 05:06:59 PM
After the cricketing collapse at the world cup the Pakistani's have a new national sport,
Bobslaying

No scroll bar chief?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fionntamhnach on April 02, 2007, 05:32:57 PM
What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and Mick Jagger?

One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" while the other says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe"!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 02, 2007, 08:44:28 PM
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because sheep know the sound of zips.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 03, 2007, 05:41:23 PM
Husband and wife in bed together.


 


She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.






She:  "Oh, that feels good."






His hand moves to her breast.






She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."






His hand moves to her leg.






She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."




But he stops.






She:  "Why did you stop?"






He: "I found the remote."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on April 03, 2007, 05:49:44 PM
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely
Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having w**k."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 05, 2007, 12:43:58 PM
Woman in Asda notices a young assistant, he has such a cute ass that it makes her randy!. She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way to the car she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchy pussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these f**king Japanese cars look the same to me. :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 06, 2007, 11:12:11 AM
Wife is geting on to husband to cut the grass. "It's up to the feckin window sill", she says.

"I don't give a toss", he says. "Let the bloke downstairs cut it".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 06, 2007, 02:29:13 PM
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

===================================================================================

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

===================================================================================

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

===================================================================================

Real-life funny place names

1. Shafter (California, USA)
2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
4. Bastard (Norway)
5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
7. Muff (Donegal, Ireland)
8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
12. Fukum (Yemen)
13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
15. Turdo (Romania)
16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
17. Seymen (Turkey)
18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
21. w**ks River (Nicaragua)
22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
32. Tittybong (Australia)
33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
34. Dikshit (India)
35. Wankener (India)
36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 07, 2007, 02:06:11 PM
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays live longest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 07, 2007, 02:07:59 PM
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================

Thanks to the observant readers of the Dilbert Newsletter, here are more True Quotes from the people who put the duh in Induhvidual:

"Do you think I've been sitting here twiddling my arse?"

"At no time do I ever condone you making changes to improve things in the
office."

"Snakes on a Plane - what's that about?"

"Go jump off a lake."

"He's not the sharpest canister in the ocean."

"Keep a stiff upper chin."

"The squeaky wheel gets the spoke."

"I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink."

"He'd give you the arm off his back."

Announcement in store: "We have a customer by the balls in toys needing
assistance." (It repeats.)

"You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours."

"It's half of one, six dozen of another..."

"We do not have a smoking cow at this point."

"Is there 264 days in the year? Or is it 265?"

"My daughter is as smart as a tack."

"I've got a higher IQ than your little pinky finger."

"If Dad were here right now, he'd be rolling over in his grave."

"Well, it may be the wrong tool for the job, but it is the right tool for the
business."

"It's our golden goose. We better figure out how to make her purr."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 08, 2007, 02:06:28 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on April 08, 2007, 06:51:25 PM
That's poor Ziggyo, even for you.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 08, 2007, 07:19:17 PM
I fancy myself as a stamp collector too.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on April 10, 2007, 07:06:01 PM


Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd is up on their feet
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag." Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd is up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are
forgetting one thing . ........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 15, 2007, 01:12:16 PM
Apple Product Announcement
===================

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.

This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 18, 2007, 01:30:00 PM
"Bless me Father, for I

have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Brown?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Margaret Doyle?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Anne O' Neil?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Four months holiday and five good leads."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 18, 2007, 01:30:55 PM
The Golf Lesson....*

Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied,  "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!  He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said,  "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP !

The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and hold it in your hands!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on April 25, 2007, 10:30:27 AM
Another one for Ziggy and his sleepless nights

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.



In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but he's with BUPA".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 25, 2007, 12:21:01 PM
How to Save the Airlines
Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the heck . The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Nurse can't answer phone
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive
Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to
answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she
would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU
The picture
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on April 25, 2007, 03:34:03 PM
No speakah de English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

Eventually, the lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A fiver says you're gonna read this again....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hedley Lamarr on April 25, 2007, 03:46:58 PM
Quote from: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on April 25, 2007, 03:34:03 PM
No speakah de English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

Eventually, the lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A fiver says you're gonna read this again....

Brilliant
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on April 26, 2007, 10:07:21 AM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on April 26, 2007, 09:54:34 AM
BLAMESTORMING

Heard one the other day - a D-mail - i.e. one you delete without even reading
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on April 26, 2007, 10:18:44 AM
David Beckham has been asked to drive Alan Ball's hearse...They reckon he delivers the best dead ball in the world. eek, I immediately feel bad about this post..lol!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SlimShady on April 26, 2007, 10:44:42 AM
what sort of sick **** are you?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on April 26, 2007, 11:06:24 AM
dont shoot the messenger slim...p***k
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SlimShady on April 26, 2007, 11:09:19 AM
you're a classy guy, poking fun at the dead.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on April 26, 2007, 11:10:43 AM
if you cant take a joke slim why bother lookin into this thread??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Deal_Me_In on April 26, 2007, 11:11:43 AM
Slim these go around every time somebody famous died. Just look st the amount of jokes that were made when Princess Diana died, just don't take them seriously and you might just be able to laugh at them. ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on April 26, 2007, 11:13:56 AM
exactly deal me in. thank you...it is a sick joke but at the same time it still is a joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bensars on April 26, 2007, 11:15:07 AM
Quote from: SlimShady on April 26, 2007, 10:44:42 AM
what sort of sick **** are you?
Quote from: SlimShady on April 26, 2007, 11:09:19 AM
you're a classy guy, poking fun at the dead.


Its a joke page....................  Wise up man.     We will have the PC police coming along shortly  with you as their chief constable !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 26, 2007, 12:25:43 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on April 26, 2007, 10:18:44 AM
David Beckham has been asked to drive Alan Ball's hearse...They reckon he delivers the best dead ball in the world. eek, I immediately feel bad about this post..lol!

I wouldn't get too hot up about this joke. These come round anytime anyone in the media eye passes away. Don't know why everyone is singling screen out for this one.

That said, it was a terrible joke  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Deal_Me_In on April 26, 2007, 12:27:40 PM
Ziggy, Its only slim that was having a go at screen, the rest of us were telling slim to catch a grip of himself its only a joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 26, 2007, 12:33:01 PM
Quote from: Deal_Me_In on April 26, 2007, 12:27:40 PM
Ziggy, Its only slim that was having a go at screen, the rest of us were telling slim to catch a grip of himself its only a joke.

Only Slim? Sorry, my apology.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 26, 2007, 04:38:50 PM
Tell you what that slimshady is the biggest f**king p***k on this board "f**king undisputed champion"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SuperSub on April 26, 2007, 10:54:57 PM
Quote from: illdecide on April 26, 2007, 04:38:50 PM
Tell you what that slimshady is the biggest f**king p***k on this board "f**king undisputed champion"

I don't know i reckon it's between Slim,Sureyouwill,TUG or Forkinknife anyone i left out?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 27, 2007, 12:23:58 PM
Does anyone get this? It made me laugh when I heard it, but I'm not sure if I have captured the full story.

*****************************

Paddy is heading to see his neighbour Mick who he hasn't seen for a few months so to ask for the lend of a spade.

While on his way, Paddy remembers that he borrowed a grape of Mick last year, and never returned it and then starts to think that Mick might not lend him the spade.

But then Paddy remembered that the grape was useless and basically fell apart as soon as he put his foot on it. But even then Mick will probably blame Paddy for breaking the grape and not returning it.

By the time Paddy got to Mick's door, he was fuming.

When Mick opens the door Paddy says "You can stick you ruddy spade up your arse!" and then heads back home.



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 27, 2007, 12:59:04 PM
In an almost similar vein (by Colm Sands) - I'm sure yiz all know it:

LOOKIN' THE LOAN OF A SPADE

Colum Sands / The Sands Family

Is that yourself - Indeed it is - Well you're a stranger here,
I don't know when I seen you last, it must be more than a year,
How are you doin' - I'm not so bad, and what about yourself -
/: No use complaining I suppose, as long as we've got the health. :/

Where are you now? - I'm still at home, it's the brother that went away,
My father he said that if one of us left, the other would have to stay,
Sure jobs are gettin' very scarce, the unemployment's a curse -
/: But still I suppose as the fella says, it's bad that couldn't be worse. :/

- Terrible weather altogether, it's never going to clear -
Do you know what I'm goin' to tell you though, it's not bad for the time of the year,
Sure a sup of rain never done very much harm, the grass could do with a drop,
/: I'd pass no remarks on a skift or two, as long as there's not a slap. :/

- A slap's the last thing that we need, for our wee meadow's in hay
Do you mind the trade we had last year comin' up thon bit of a brae -
The mountain's comin' very close, I don't like the look of the sky,
/: The forecast talked about a change, but you mightn't believe thon boys. :/

(spoken)I think I'll ask him now . . . I think I'll ask him . . .

- I suppose I'd better be headin' on, I've held you back enough,
I was clearin' up at the back of the house, the garden is very rough,
I broke the spade and it's awkward when you've only got a graip,
/: And unless I can get the loan of a spade, the garden will have to wait. :/

- Aye a spade's an awful missly thing, there's the sun again,
But it's only a pet, it will never keep up, I felt a spit of rain -
Would you be usin' your spade today - To tell you the truth I'm not,
/: For I lent it to you a year ago, and since then I never saw it. :/
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on May 02, 2007, 12:04:55 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Click here to see the effects of this dangerous drug

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 02, 2007, 07:17:49 PM
On the same topic..............

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches woman sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they spread ."
Title: these are shocking
Post by: maddog on May 10, 2007, 04:51:47 PM
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
On it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
Said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
Said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said," I don't care what his name is pal?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
Name, its P something T something R

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't
Put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
And on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary  work?? I said "I
Wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
Said," You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the  custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
Paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre she said, "Are you having me
on?" I said," Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went" Bah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said"I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Euro star" I said
"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 10, 2007, 07:17:14 PM
I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on May 10, 2007, 08:36:04 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 10, 2007, 07:17:14 PM
I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.



Brilliant!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on May 15, 2007, 11:32:35 PM
 I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out, in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a n asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon, I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
Spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and add ed his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said "Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, sayi ng that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 19, 2007, 11:33:05 PM
A man gets up one morning to find his wife cooking, he looks in the pan and see's one of his socks.

"What are you doing?" he ask's

"Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night!"

Puzzled the man walks away thinking to himself "I dont remember asking her to cook my sock."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 21, 2007, 01:21:02 PM
The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,  when all of a sudden......."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture . There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that ....Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of
a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...


Ees..........



Ees...



Ees.........



Ees....




. Eees a Ham Bush!"

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 22, 2007, 09:32:30 AM
I met a man yesterday with one arm who said he was he was going to change a light bulb.

I asked if that would be difficult for him?

Shouldn't be a problem replied the man as I have the receipt.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: aontroim abu on May 22, 2007, 09:56:27 AM
A Kerryman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Kerryman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 pounds !

"Why, that's amazing !" the doctor said,

"Did you follow my instructions ?"
The Kerryman nodded...

"I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat
3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean ?"

"No, from fookin' skippin'..

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 23, 2007, 03:14:07 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on May 25, 2007, 03:34:08 AM
3rd Irish Backpacker Dies due to Language Barrier



Tragedy struck this week in Byron Bay when Feral McInerney (22) from
Tallaght misinterpreted a warning from a local resulting in untimely
death. "Yeah, I told him that the spider (a red back) was deadly, and
he just kept walking towards it", friend and eyewitness Bruce Byatt
said in a statement, "He just kept smiling and agreeing, saying 'I
know it's fu*king deadly isn't it?'"

This isn't the first time an Irish tourist has fallen between the
linguistic gaps of warning and praise; last month Anto Flynn, a
21-year old from Wicklow was warned that a misleadingly inviting river
was in fact "rapid". "Deadly!" Mr. Flynn shouted to confused onlookers
before diving into the deceptively shallow waters.

The first of the three Irish backpacker deaths took place in January,
when George Meaney, 22, from Cork was warned not to approach a dingo
by onlookers who described the canine as 'savage'.

Common, deadly misconceptions continue, which, while usually
non-fatal, have caused injury and inconvenience to young Irish
tourists. A number of injuries have befallen Irish backpackers, for
example, who accepted invitations by Aussie bikers for a 'ride'. The
tourists, expecting intercourse and often inebriated, have been
involved in a number of road accidents, as they and the motorcyclist
have engaged in simultaneous, contradictory attempted acts of
'riding'.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on May 25, 2007, 09:17:04 AM
Man walks into a pub and the menu states $1.00 cheeseburger, $1 for two hotdogs and $10.00 for a hand job.
The bartender wo is a knockout comes over to the man and asks "what can I get you today"?

The man asks "Am I seeing the menu right $1.00 for a cheesburger, $1.00 for two hotdogs and $10.00 for a hand job?"

The hot blonde bartender replies "yes thats correct"

He Asks "are you the one who gives the hand job?"

She replies "yes I am"

He states " wash your hands and I'LL take two cheeseburgers"



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on May 25, 2007, 05:04:26 PM
How Smart Is
> Your Right Foot?
> This is so
> funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will
> keep trying it at
> least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
> foot.
> But you
> can't!!!
> 1. While
> sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
> floor and make
> clockwise circles with it.
> 2. Now,
> while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
> your right hand
> ... Your foot will change direction!!!
> I told you
> so ... And there is nothing you can do about it.
> Make sure you pass this on to your friends .. They
> won't be able to
> believe it either!!!

Not funny but damn it works.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on May 29, 2007, 04:53:14 PM
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she will be attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with a pair of scissors shoved deep into his temple and a hurley jammed up his arse.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 03, 2007, 10:26:11 PM
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??"

He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 05, 2007, 02:07:36 PM
>> >>>>  >>GAA from Martin Breheny of the Independent.
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>My sister took an English relation to a club game of ours
>> >>>> many
>> > years
>> >>>>  >>ago. During the course of the game, when things weren't going
>>too
>> >
>> >>>> well
>> >>>>  >>for one of our corner backs, a woman in the crowd was
shouting:
>> > "Take
>> >>>>  >>that useless c**t off, he's good for nothing".
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>Needless to say, the English relation was horrified at such a
>> > remark
>> >>>>  > and
>> >>>>  >>tried to reason with the lady saying: "There's no need for
>> >>>> that  >>language, I'm sure you wouldn't like someone saying
>> >>>> those things
>>
>> >>>> about
>> >>>>  >>your son," to which she replied: "sure, the useless c**t is
>> >>>> my
>> > son!"
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>**************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>I was at an Armagh match in the early 90s with a neighbour of
>> > mine
>> >>>>  > who's
>> >>>>  >>loud by nature but is particularly vocal at matches (a bit
>> >>>> rough
>>
>> >>>> around
>> >>>>  >>the edges you might say).  Anyway, he took particular umbrage

>> >>>> at
>> > one
>> >>>>  >>particular Armagh player who wasn't having a great game. At
>> >>>> one
>> > stage
>> >>>>  > he
>> >>>>  >>shouts out the name of the player and roars: "if they won't
>> >>>> take
>> > you
>> >>>>  >>off, for f**ks sake, walk off!"
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>*****************************  >>  >>Didn't hear this one
>> >>>> myself, but the great Willie Joe Padden
>>told
>> > me
>> >>>> it
>> >>>>  >>at last years Mayo v Galway match from an ould fella behind
him.
>> > Just
>> >>>>  >>after Conor Mortimer missed the change with the free, he
>> >>>> stood
>>up
>> >>>>  >>screaming: "Jesus, if Lee Harvey Oswald had been from Mayo,
>>JFK'd
>> > be
>> >>>>  >>alive and kicking!"
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>******************************  >>  >>A barrell of a man who
>> >>>> was very much involved in Laois GAA was
>>at
>> > a
>> >>>>  >>junior football match in Abbeyleix one night, and he went on
>>just
>> > to
>> >>>>  >>make up numbers (jersey pulled on, playing with the socks
around
>> > the
>> >>>>  >>trousers and someone else's boots).  Anyway, he was running
>> > around
>> >>>> but
>> >>>>  >>the low stature was telling and one of the lads shouted at
him:
>> > "For
>> >>>>  >>f**ks sake Sabu (his nick name), will you go up for the ball
to
>> > which
>> >>>>  > he
>> >>>>  >>replied: "sure I'm not a f**king eejit, won't it come down to
>> > me!"
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>*********************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>At a reserve game in Co. Derry, one team who had only the
bare
>> >>>> fifteen
>> >>>>  >>trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten. Johnny
at
>> > full
>> >>>>  >>forward was having a nightmare.... here is part of the half
time
>>
>> >>>> talk:
>> >>>>  >>Manager: "Johnny, you're coming off."
>> >>>>  >>Johnny: "but we only have the bare 15."
>> >>>>  >>[short pause]
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>Manager: "come off anyway."
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>**********************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>Galway minors played KK in the All-Ireland semi-final in '88.
>>The
>> >
>> >>>> cats
>> >>>>  >>(Carey, Ronan, O'Neill, Carter, etc.) were walking it.  Ronan
>>was
>> >>>>  >>injured in the second half and the Kilkenny doc was stitching
>>him
>> > on
>> >>>>  > the
>> >>>>  >>field. As the time went on, a disgruntled Galwayman shouts:
"If
>> > ye
>> >>>>  > don't
>> >>>>  >>hurry up, he'll be over age!"
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>***********************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>At a minor league game a couple of years ago, our manager was
>> > giving
>> >>>>  > the
>> >>>>  >>usual f**king and blindin' to us when a spectator said to him
>> > over
>> >>>> the
>> >>>>  >>fence:
>> >>>>  >>"Don't be so ignorant....(short pause).... ye big fat f**ker
>>ye."
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>************************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>Nice Tipperary one. Workmates console Eddie Tucker after Tipp
>>are
>> >>>>  >>demolished by Clare and he's had a bad day: "don't worry
about
>>it
>> >>>>  > Eddie,
>> >>>>  >>it wasn't your fault, it's the fecin eejits that picked ya."
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>*************************************
>> >>>>  >>
>> >>>>  >>Another classic I've been told involves the Ballygar-St.
>> > Brendan's
>> >>>>  >>hurling club in Galway where a major dispute reared it's head
at
>> > the
>> >>>>  >>AGM.  The chairman is reportedly a straight-talking bachelor
of
>> >>>>  >>questionable diplomacy. Amidst the row, a newly appointed
priest
>> > took
>> >>>>  >>the floor commenting on how the GAA should be a focal point
for
>> > the 2
>> >>>>  >>parishes, not a source of argument. He continued on about how
>> >>>> everyone  >>should pull together for the good of the club and
>> >>>> see the
club
>>as
>> > a
>> >>>>  >>unifying force. The chairman stood up and said: "Thanks a lot
>>for
>> >
>> >>>> that
>> >>>>  >>now
>> >>>>  >>Father, but that's the kind of shite that sickens my hole."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 10, 2007, 11:20:19 PM
What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???





A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 14, 2007, 08:40:41 AM
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really, I heard its because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both, you go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back f my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then.

(Classic!)
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: but would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem to be the kind of chick that's impossible to shake of once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you miss heard me, I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well, cause I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss Off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... Ugly, you fat bitch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on June 14, 2007, 09:00:30 AM
One for your feminists out there:

Three men were trekking through the jungle when they came across this enormous, raging river, which they had to cross in order to carry on with their journey.

After debating for some time as to what they should do, finally, in total exasperation, the first man fell to his knees and prayed to God to give him the strength to get him across. The next thing, he jumped into the river and swam with all his might through that torrent of water. He nearly went under a few times but eventually, finally, he crawled out the other side, safe and sound, if exhausted and emotionally wrecked.

Seeing this, the second man turned to the Lord above, he too fell to the ground and pleaded with the Mighty One, with all his fervour, that He would give him the strength and tools to get him across. The next thing a small coracle appeared and the man struggled his way across that merciless mountain of water, with every muscle in his body, and in the end, he made his away across. The coracle nearly capsized twice but, with the help of God, he too made it and jumped for joy on the opposite bank.

The third man, now standing alone, contemplated his position for some time. In the end, he too raised his thoughts to heaven. He asked God to give him the strength, tools and intelligence to make that epic river-crossing. The next thing, he was turned into a woman. She checked the map, found there was a bridge 20 yards upstream and walked across.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 14, 2007, 11:42:28 AM
3 babies born at The Coombe last week to a Black woman, a Kerry woman
and a Traveller woman!!

Doc goes to the fathers who are eagerly awaiting news on their newborns'
and says

"You each have a little boy but I'm afraid there has been a mix up,
because the babies were born in quick succession to each other we have
mixed them >up and now we can't tell which is which"

Kerryman jumps out of the seat and runs like he never ran before into
the baby unit, grabs the black baby and hits for the exit.

Blackman grabs him and asks "What are you doing?  That baby is black!!"



Kerryman says "F**k you, im not taking a chance on getting a kn**ker!!  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on June 16, 2007, 09:58:20 AM
I heard Barrymore had just got a part in a new BBC comedy, "Only Pools & Corpses" ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2007, 10:52:35 AM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250
with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
Landlady.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2007, 10:58:33 AM
Irish Viagra:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in  reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and  begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and  with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm,  he sent the  cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husbandprovided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2007, 11:03:51 AM
 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkin
>>>drunk,
>>> > >>as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
>>>already
asleep.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of
>>>his bed
>>> > >>wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?"
>>>demanded
>>> > >>Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>>> >bedroom?".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm
>>>St
>>> > >>Peter".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
>>>so
>>> > >>much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
>>>you've
>>> > >>got to send me back straight away!"
>>> > >>
>>> > >>St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
>>> > >>catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian
>>>was
>>> > >>devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>>>house, he
>>> > >>asked to be sent back as a hen.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and
>>>clucking
>>> > >>around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought
>>>until he
>>> > >>felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The farmyard rooster strolled over
>>> >and said "So you're the new hen,
>>> > >>how are you enjoying your first day here?"
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange
>>>feeling
>>> > >>inside like I'm about to explode".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me
>>>you've
>>> > >>never laid an egg before".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Never" replies Brian.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Well just relax and let it happen."
>>> > >>
>>> > >>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
>>>egg
>>> > >>pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief
>>>swept
>>> > >>over him and his emotions got the better of him as he
>>>experienced
>>> > >>motherhood for the first time.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
>>> > >>overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was
>>> >the
>>> > >>best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third
>>>egg
>>> > >>he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard
>>>his
>>> > >>wife shouting
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2007, 12:41:48 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that

can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women

are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 18, 2007, 04:51:19 PM
By Bill O'Brien - Torrevieja June 2007.

THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER. PLEASE DO NOT READ!

Fed up of getting chain letters sent on by people who should know you better? This is different, but equally important!

A man in Denver broke the chain and his labrador was eaten by marauding goldfish!
Mrs. Smith in Brighton sent on five copies and now she is the Secretary General of the UN!

WHAT MUST I DO NOW? I hear you say.
Well, first think. Do you have five friends with whom you are sufficiently bored to want to send this rubbish to? If the answer is no, you are obviously a saddo and I would advise the Samaritans.
Next, go to the fridge and see if there's anything to drink. If not, go to the pub or at least the nearest off licence. NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
We can get back to this later.

B. Frobisher of Newcastle broke the chain and came home early to find his wife in bed on her own!
Mrs Samuels in Wicklow sent on ten copies and is now a hooker with the Leinster team!

LATER: DOES THIS STILL SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA? It does? Good.

Bring a liitle joy into the lives of five people  today
Spread a little happiness as you go on your way
Spare a thought for others and never selfish be
Pass me the sick bucket cos I'll need it presently.

And remember: If you are going to sing; DON'T !

At this point a picture of a kitten in an old shoe or a few puppies looking as though they had just come out of the spin dryer would be nice.

Lee Wong Tsu of Beijing broke the chain, was executed a few days later and had all his internal organs sold to a wealthy American!
J. Gormely of Dublin sent off 4,500 copies and is now Minister for the Environment (or something)!

So, please, please, please don't let us all down. Send on to five deserving friends straight away.
If  you don't and something bad happens later you are going to blame yourself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 19, 2007, 09:05:08 AM
Salesman
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 19, 2007, 04:01:19 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong"

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 20, 2007, 10:53:24 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according
to lights and darks.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 20, 2007, 03:12:12 PM

Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened when she brings it.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?


Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably


never


be able to support you.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do women have smaller feet than men?


It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows


Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?


When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


------------------------------------------ ------------------------


How do you fix a woman's watch?


You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do men pass gas more than women?


Because women can't shut up long enough to


Build up the required pressure.


------------------------------------------------------------------


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is


yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?


The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


------------------------------------------------------------------


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?


A woman who won't do what she's told


------------------------------------------------------------------


I married a Miss Right.


I just didn't know her first name was Always.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive


by


90%.


It's called a Wedding Cake.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do men die before their wives?


They want to.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Women will never be equal to men


until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,


and


still think they are sexy.


------------------------------------------------------------------


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.


Then God created Man and rested.


Then God created Woman.


Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on June 20, 2007, 03:13:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdJSrldXtc4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdJSrldXtc4)

Nice one lads
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cville on June 21, 2007, 09:37:04 AM
Ballymena guy is in tears kneeling at the front of the church praying to God.
"Oh my God, My God you must help me. I owe these bad men millions of pounds and I must pay up or they will kill me. Please, please let me win the Lottery tonight."
Next week, the guy comes back and is in a very bad way. He says "Please God this is serious. I will die tonight if I do not pay these men what I owe them. I ask you again, please let me win the Lottery tonight."
The next Saturday, back comes the guy. "My God, My God you have deserted me. Now I will die. why did you not let me win the Lottery?"
Just then, there is a massive rumbling and the roof of the church opens up. In comes a brilliant light and there standing in in his glory is God.
The Ballymena guy looks up and God looks at him and says "Billy, it's about the Lottery. See tonight, meet me halfway - buy a f**king ticket!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 21, 2007, 02:16:49 PM
>Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After
Eight.
>
>She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
>
>On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a
>Wine Gum.
>
>He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the
one
>with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
>
>They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury
>turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he

>slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.
>He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic
Tacs.
>
>Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a
>trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite
pleased as
>he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out
>a scream of Turkish Delight.
>
>When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted
>more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked
>very appetizing.
>
>He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by
giving
>her a Gob Stopper!
>
>Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly
>he was soon to discover he had VD.
>
>It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently
had
>Allsorts!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on June 21, 2007, 11:16:55 PM
(http://208.116.9.205/10/graphics/pics/pictures_shes_a_woman.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on June 21, 2007, 11:18:56 PM
(http://chriswondra.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/funny-test-answer.gif)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on June 21, 2007, 11:21:31 PM
What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on June 21, 2007, 11:36:08 PM
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to leave as soon as the
bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the
time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically
retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt
piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height
of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of
team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to
circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is
usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured
players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game
flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of
participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb and six of the best to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a
quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, DUP-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed
the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.

Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards
with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket
(actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "***ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a bust nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take penalties.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 22, 2007, 11:03:12 AM
Zen Guide to Life by Maharishi Fattifatbastard

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either,
just f**k off and leave me alone.
♣ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
♣ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
♣ Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
♣ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
♣ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
♣ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
♣ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
♣ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
♣ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
♣ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
♣ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
♣ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
♣ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
♣ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
♣ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
♣ Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
♣ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
♣ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
♣ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
♣ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
♣ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
♣ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
♣ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
♣ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mack the finger on June 22, 2007, 11:20:50 AM
Example of bad parenting skills

(http://www.apostropher.com/blog/img/Bad-Parenting.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mack the finger on June 22, 2007, 03:19:06 PM

GREAT PUBS

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
there's
a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way
for the
locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink
for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy
you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's
Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another,
all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take
you upstairs
and see that you get laid. All on the house."


The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he
swears
every word is true.


Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . "But it did happen
to me sister."
>

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on June 22, 2007, 09:52:49 PM

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"

The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 26, 2007, 01:56:25 PM
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two Pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in?  We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage In the third pub !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cville on June 26, 2007, 04:08:16 PM
Anyway, it's a cold, misty night in a pub in the centre of Dublin. Two oul' fellas are sitting at the bar nursing their pints of Guinness when one turns to the other and says. "You know, I know yer face from somewhere don't I?" The other guy replies "You may be right as I think I know your face also, where you from?" "From the North side" replies the other. "That's funny, so am I, whereabouts," he replied. "Jones Road, Drumcondra" says the first guy." "Jeyes, that's incredible, so am I, what number?" said the second guy. "Number 64" was the response, to which the first guy said: "Jeanie Mac, you know I used to live at number 64 Jones Road." Just then the phone rang and teh barman answered it. It was the owner wanting to know if it's busy. To which the barman replied: "Na boss, quiet as a mouse. Only ones in are the two Murphy twins pissed again at the bar."   

Boom Boom
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on June 26, 2007, 10:29:57 PM
Irish guy in USA, illegal ticket, etc and army grabs him for conscription to Iraq.  They take him to firing range and give him a rifle and the following exchange takes place;
Army Sgt.  Do you see that target about a hundred yards away, take a shot at it and see can you hit the centre of it.
Yer fires and misses.

Army Sgt; Ok then, see that one there about 50 yards away, take a pot at that and see how you get on.

Fires and misses again.

Army Sgt;  Getting a bit annoyed, says ok, theres a target beside you, its only twenty yards away, fire at it and see where you hit it.

Yer man fires, into the next parish and misses completely.
Sgt;  In all my time in the army that is the worst display of shooting I have ever seen. You can hit nothing.
Irishman:  Does that mean I won't be going to Iraq?
Sgt:  Oh don't worry about that, you are going allright but I will tell you this buddy, I f**king doubt very much if you will be coming home!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 26, 2007, 10:58:46 PM
Ah Bud!

(http://ian.winprog.org/tumbleweed.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 29, 2007, 11:56:10 AM
A famous explorer at a cocktail party, was telling a spellbound audience about his latest adventure in darkest Africa.

"I rounded a corner in a narrow jungle path and came face-to-face with the largest lion I'd ever seen in my life," he said. "He threw back his head and let out a roar that shook the very trees, then, as the jungle fell silent, he bounded towards me in great leaps."

"So what did you do," asked one breathless admirer.

"I calmly turned to Ugumbu, my faithful native bearer and guide, and asked him to hand me my rifle -- but it was too late -- Ugumbu's nerve had broken, and I could hear him crashing through the trees in a desperate attempt to escape the lion's wrath."

"So what happened next?"

"Well, what could I do?" the explorer shrugged. "I was alone and defenceless as Ugumbu had carried my rifle off with him. So, I had no alternative but to turn and flee as fast as I could. As I glanced back over my shoulder, I could see that the lion was almost upon me and he was gathering himself to pounce -- but just as he was about to launch himself, he slipped! So I continued running as quickly as possible."

"Oh, my goodness! What a lucky escape! Do continue...."

"Well, I continued to run faster than I'd ever run before. I actually felt as if my feet had sprouted wings, but it was to no avail. Within a few seconds the lion had recovered and I could almost feel his hot breath upon my neck. Fearing that my last moment on this Earth had come, I stole a quick glance over my shoulder -- and wished I hadn't. The lion was almost upon me, and as he gathered himself to pounce -- he slipped once again!"

"Slipped again??? Well, good fortune was indeed on your side that day. What happened next?"

"I ran into a small clearing. and glanced back once again, only to see the absolutely enraged lion preparing to launch himself upon me yet again. But once again -- he slipped."

"Good God, man! He slipped again? You must have been absolutely shitting yourself by this time."

"Shitting myself....??? ....What do you think the lion had been slipping on???"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 29, 2007, 12:42:44 PM
Three men taking part in an aptitude test were posed

the following question.



A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is

lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying

on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?



After their time was up, the three were brought in to give their

answers.



The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."



The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no

way to determine the answer with the information we were given."



The third one, from Ireland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I

have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or

Willie Nailer."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on July 02, 2007, 08:32:13 AM
The Fish

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says

"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but
that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the
fish back to church.

Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
And we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.


The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back On
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, Pours himself  a
whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are alright !! "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Goats Do Shave on July 03, 2007, 08:21:38 AM
Got a text this morning...

Police have named the man arrested at Glasgow Airport after setting himself on fire, as....
>
>
>
>
>
>

Singe Majeep!

:D

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 04, 2007, 09:17:20 AM
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was
washing her private area and

noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable
movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s*x will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on July 04, 2007, 03:54:39 PM
Two howayis Dublin birds  walk into Brown Thomas, they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.   Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah it's bleedin deadly Sharon, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean? At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".  Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me, does that smell like cum to you?".

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on July 04, 2007, 04:03:03 PM
Two guys from Dublin die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"

They reply, "'Well, we're from Dublin bud, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out eh".

The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies.   The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Dublin, it's even wetter than Cork, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little, eh."

This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Dubliners in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Dubliners reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Dublin. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."

The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Dubliners back in their anoraks and hoodies. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!

The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Dubliners look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? Hell has just frozen over it must mean that Dublin has won the All-Ireland Football Championship!"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 06, 2007, 12:00:35 AM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on July 05, 2007, 11:55:16 PM
husband and wife on their 10th anniversary,

wife undresses and asks,''what did you think 10 years ago when i stripped''?

he replies,''i wanted to f**k your brains out and suck your tits dry''.

she says,''so what do you think now''??

husband says...''looks like i did a pretty good job''!

(http://forum.caravelgames.com/emoticons/tumbleweed.gif)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 06, 2007, 12:05:40 AM
Whats pink & wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning??









Your mother.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 06, 2007, 12:07:56 AM
Ziggy, your tumbleweed has blown off the page.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on July 06, 2007, 12:31:32 AM
A happy couple are celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary.

They decide to go back to the same hotel where the romance blossomed, even the exact same bedroom.

They sit at a table in the room enjoying lunch, gazing lovingly into each others eyes.

The husband decides that, just like on the night they met, they should take all their clothes off and get naked.  So they proceed to getting naked.

After more gazing and loving conversation, the wife says, "just like on the night we met, my nipples are really warming to you."

Husband replies, "well they would - your left one is in your tea and your right one is in your soup!"


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on July 10, 2007, 08:28:57 AM
Divorce Letter


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait
anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me
talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.I don't say this to hurt you, but
just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
Tits like you wouldn't believe, and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on
the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's
all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it.
And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so
drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else.Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you.Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not Hung up about her weight or
her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the
mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but
she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier
times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked
like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times
I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do
is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.Don't you think we could start over?
Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please , please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?
Love,
Dan

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 10, 2007, 01:31:12 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am
ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The elephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and
say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer
problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have .

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 16, 2007, 04:36:30 PM
A Bottle of Merlot


A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there,

Indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not
looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and     
conveyed it to the gentleman.       

The note read:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own returns.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.

It read:
For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars
in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on July 17, 2007, 12:55:23 PM
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?


Popeye kicked the f@@k out of him!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 17, 2007, 04:07:46 PM
A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When
women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at
the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st
floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and
are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: man in black on July 18, 2007, 09:45:59 AM
In ballina a gardai pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the
> > lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
> > into this breathalyzer tube."
> >
> > The man immedietly reaches into his pocket and produces a doctors note.
On
> > it is written, "This man suffers from terrible asthma, please don't make
> > him
> > perform any action that'll leave him short of breath."
> >
> > The gardai says, "Okay, I need you to come and give a blood sample.
> >
> > Straight away, them man produces another letter. This one reads, "This
man
> > is a hamophiliac, please do not cause him to bleed in
> > any way."
> >
> > So the officer says, "Right, I need a urine sample, then."
> >
> > The man produces a third letter: "This man plays for the Mayo football team
> >
> > please don't take the piss out of him."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 18, 2007, 09:59:33 AM
GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
'Whit wis that fur?' he cries.
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
'Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
' She seems
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.
......................................................................................

A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find>themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket.'
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, 'Why not'
'Good', he replies. 'Get your own ' blanket!'

..............................................................................................

A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel
in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the >concierge.
'Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit'

...

  A wee Glesga boy comes home from
school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks.
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish husband.' The
mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 19, 2007, 02:22:11 PM
*Poof*!, the Light Goes Off !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"


George replies, "God and I
are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light  goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."


"Wow, that's incredible,"
the doctor says.


A little later in the day, the doctor
calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing  fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with  God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and  *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!
the light goes off?"


"OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims.
"He's p * ssing in the fridge again!!!!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 19, 2007, 04:41:53 PM
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.



Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

************************************************************************
************************************************************************
**



A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.



A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.



The girl's been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist'



The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'



'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'



One thing led to another and they make love.



Afterwards, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'



The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'



'Didn't feel a thing!'



************************************************************************
************************************************************************
**


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.



While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'



He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.



Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'



Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'



Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SammyG on July 20, 2007, 05:31:08 PM
An explorer is walking through the jungle and he finds a pygmy standing beside a dead elephant.

Explorer 'Did you kill that?'
Pygmy 'I did indeed'
Explorer 'That's impressive what did you use'
Pygmy 'I used my club'
Explorer 'Christ that must be some club'













Pygmy 'Aye there's about a thousand of us'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on July 20, 2007, 05:38:32 PM
THE DUBLIN WAZZUP


Christy (on telephone) - Hey head? fuckin' story?
Anto - Jaysus, I'm watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Christy - Respect. Where's Jayo?
Anto - Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of f**k.
Jayo - Story?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere's a head a de door.
Garo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - So bollix, what's the story?
Christy - f**k all, just watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Goin Down on July 20, 2007, 05:45:18 PM
Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gnevin on July 20, 2007, 05:56:56 PM
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on July 20, 2007, 05:38:32 PM
THE DUBLIN WAZZUP


Christy (on telephone) - Hey head? fuckin' story?
Anto - Jaysus, I'm watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Christy - Respect. Where's Jayo?
Anto - Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of f**k.
Jayo - Story?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere's a head a de door.
Garo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - So bollix, what's the story?
Christy - f**k all, just watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

WUM alert!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on July 22, 2007, 02:47:51 PM
Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove up the road and turned into a field.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on July 23, 2007, 08:40:20 AM
what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 23, 2007, 02:15:14 PM
Female Compassion at it's BEST !
>
>Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,
>Carolyn,    that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
>
>Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
she
>agreed and they made passionate love.
>
>Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
>have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
>
>Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
>
>Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
>eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
>
>"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
>afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
>
>Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
>turned until he was down to only four more hours.
>
>He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
>
>
>
>"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
>
>
>
>His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm
not
>being funny  ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 24, 2007, 10:40:03 AM
Subject: [Fwd: FW: BELFAST FLOODS - HELP NEEDED]
>>      >
>>      >
>>      >
>>      >
>>      > At 12:45 on Wednesday morning a major Atlantic monsoon unexpectedly
>>      > hit the city and area of Greater Belfast. The flood decimated the
>>      > area causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with the exception
>>      > of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £ 375,000 of
>>      > improvements were made.
>>      >
>>      > Untold damage and distress was caused, with many woken before their
>>      > Giros arrived. Several priceless collections of momentos from
>>      > Millisle and the Spanish Costa's were damaged and three areas of
>>      > historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
>>      >
>>      > A mural of King Billy was destroyed up tha shankill as was one of
>>      > some oul-doll gurning, on the Falls. Thousands are confused that
>>      > something other than political madness has shaken Belfast.
>>      >
>>      > One survivor Tracey-Anne Jordan Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of
>>      > three told us "I near keeked maself. Our Britney-Fairybell came
>>      > gurning into the room this morning. The chyle was in an awful state.
>>      > My youngest ones, Chelsea-Jo and Justin-Keanu slept through it all,
>>      > so they did.
>>      >
>>      > I was still shakin' watchin 'Trisha' - you know what I mean like.
>>      > It's awful so it is. All my wooden floors and rugs are wrecked and
>>      > me ma is raging, cos she only give me a lend of them. I can't get
>>      > the houl of the Housin' Executive for til fix them. They've only
>>      > been fixed for a week after me and him had a row. I've lost me
>>      > fegs and everything - its terrible so it is.
>>      > Look at the state of my hair.
>>      >
>>      > Apparently in the west of the city widespread joyriding and looting
>>      > carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to
>>      > ship 400 crates of beer into the area to help with the
>>      > grief-stricken, but they were stoned, bricked and petrol bombed as
>>      > they left the area.
>>      >
>>      > Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large
>>      > quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and
>>      > jewellery from Argos and the 1/2 price jewellers. They claim that
>>      > the death toll would have been significantly higher had the Bru been
>>      > open at the time.
>>      >
>>      > HOW YOU CAN HELP:
>>      > Clothing is most sought after - Items required include: Sovereign
>>      > rings, Cladagh ear-rings, Burberry baseball caps, white socks, Tesco
>>      > two-stripe trainers, white track suits, chunky gold chains.
>>      >
>>      > FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED.
>>      > Required foodstuffs include: beer, frozen burgers, beer, lard, beer,
>>      > deep fried Mars bars, beer, Tayto cheese n' onion, beer, Chinese
>>      > takeaways and KEY-BABS!!
>>      >
>>      > REMEMBER - EVERY LITTLE HELPS.....
>>      > 25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a claim form.
>>      >
>>      > £1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to
>>      > travel from the Bru to the Post Office to McDonalds to the Wine
>>      > Store.
>>      >
>>      > £20 will take a family to Ballymena for the day where the children
>>      > can sniff glue and skin-up.
>>      >
>>      > £15 will buy fish suppers and an E for a family of 4.
>>      >
>>      > PLEASE DONATE GENEROUSLY!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 24, 2007, 10:40:41 AM
 

What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland?
A weekend.



It only rains twice a year in Ireland:
August through April and May through July.



"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week
and
it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?" "Well, that's
hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."



A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a
long,
long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls
were
allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over
to
Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of
hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one
side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got
the
better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment,
and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside
instead of
flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said
with a grin.
"Those are the Irish. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."



A newcomer to Ireland arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day
and
it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
He
goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey
kid,
does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know?
I'm
only 6."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 26, 2007, 12:42:47 PM
One night, after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she
whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 30, 2007, 10:52:52 AM
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"



She asks, "What?"



"SEX!!" he replies.



Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"



"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."



"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.



Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!



Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"



Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on July 30, 2007, 09:29:22 PM
Osama Bin Laden has sent out a new TV message to prove he is still alive.
In a video delivered to Leinster House Bin Laden is seen waving and shouting that "Tipp and Laois were SHIT on Saturday"

Berie and Brian Cowen in a joint statement dismissed the tape out of hand saying "the recording could have been made any time in the last six years !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 31, 2007, 09:25:39 AM
Nobody loves like an Irishman

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making  love to a very attractive young woman.  And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.  "How dare you do this to me - a  faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least  I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to  me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this  young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my compassion, I brought  her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones  you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor  thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was  doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw  them away. Then, as she needed clothes,  I gave her the designer jeans  that you have had for a few years,  but don't use because you say they are too  tight.  I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and  I  also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 02, 2007, 08:58:11 AM
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm
going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the
condom and as the young man is going out; he returns
and says, "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always
crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees
me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The
pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is
leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one
more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still
pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes
eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she
is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and
the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy
lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless
this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."  A
minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord
for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is
still praying, keeping his head down. The others look
at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even
more surprised than the others. She gets close to the
boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so
religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad
was a pharmacist!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 02, 2007, 09:00:54 AM
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want-and
I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I
tell you that
I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing
when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven
o'clock
every night...whether you're here or not."

(SHE'S GOOD!)



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the
breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed
either,"and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides
to make
amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)



Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He
is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife, "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that
it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as
well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
'Mother of
six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)


God may have created man before woman but there is
always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on August 03, 2007, 11:43:38 AM
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack.

He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Top Gear, the latest football scores, and what to expect of the championship season.

The guy had to try it one more time.

So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man slowly drawled out " Uh..... bout 10".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e...



y-o-u-r...



p-e-o-p-l-e...



h-a-p-p-y...



w-i-t-h...



B-a-b-s ?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 03, 2007, 12:05:56 PM
Quote from: Homer on August 03, 2007, 11:43:38 AM
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e...



y-o-u-r...



p-e-o-p-l-e...



h-a-p-p-y...



w-i-t-h...



B-a-b-s ?"

Geez, imagine making fun of Tipp people.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 06, 2007, 11:37:15 AM
An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby.
He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo," It looks like  you just blew a Fucken seal."

"No," f**k Off said the eskimo, "that's just Bleeding frost on my moustache."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 06, 2007, 02:55:56 PM
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 07, 2007, 02:09:33 PM
catholic blonde

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 07, 2007, 04:04:41 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me,can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 07, 2007, 08:57:20 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on August 07, 2007, 08:29:51 PM
A man goes to the see the doctor and says " I have a bit of a problem, Doc. After I
masturbate I always start to sing 'The Boys From the County Armagh'."
"Don't worry", replies the doctor. "A lot of wankers sing that."  :)


That was fantastic!
It was brilliant.
It was pretty good.
Well, I kinda liked it.
It was average.
Well, it wasn't that bad.
It was awful.
That was terrible.
Boo!!
Feck off 5 Sams!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 08, 2007, 10:17:30 AM
>>>>>The Man and the Ostrich
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A man walks into a  restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind
>>>>>>him. The
>>>>>>waitress asks  them for their orders.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The man says, 'A hamburger, fries  and a coke,' and turns to
>>>>>>the ostrich,
>>>>>>'What's  yours?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'I'll have the same,' says the  Ostrich.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A short time later the waitress returns with the  order. 'That
>>>>>>will be
>>>>>>$9.40
>>>>>>please,' and the man  reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
>>>>>>exact
>>>>>>change for  payment.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The next day, the man and the Ostrich come again  and the man
>>>>>>says, 'A
>>>>>>Hamburger, fries and a  coke.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The Ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the  man reaches
>>>>>>into his
>>>>>>pocket and pays with exact  change.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>This becomes routine until the two enter again.  'The usual?'
>>>>>>asks the
>>>>>>waitress.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'No, this is Friday  night, so I will have a steak, baked
>>>>>>potato and a
>>>>>>Salad,' says the  man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'Same,' says the Ostrich.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Shortly the  waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be
>>>>>>$32.62.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Once again the man pulls the exact change out of  his pocket
>>>>>>and places it
>>>>>>on the table.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The waitress  cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
>>>>>>'Excuse me, sir.
>>>>>>How do  you manage to always come up with the exact change in
>>>>>>your pocket
>>>>>>every time?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'Well,' says the man, 'several  years ago I was cleaning the
>>>>>>attic and found
>>>>>>an old lamp. When I  rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
>>>>>>two
>>>>>>Wishes. My first  wish was that if I ever had to pay for
>>>>>>anything, I would
>>>>>>just put  my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
>>>>>>would always
>>>>>>be  there.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people  would ask
>>>>>>for a million
>>>>>>dollars or something, but you'll always be  as rich as you want
>>>>>>for as long
>>>>>>as you  live!'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a  Rolls Royce,
>>>>>>the exact
>>>>>>money is always there,' says the  man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The Waitress asks, 'What's with the  Ostrich?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second  wish was  for a
>>>>>>tall chick
>>>>>>with a big ass and long legs who  agrees with everything I 
>>>>>>say.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 09, 2007, 12:29:35 PM
Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and
explodes.......................BOOM!!!
 
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man
in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.   
 
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?' 'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene
looking man with long hair and a long white beard.
 
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?' 'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is
further up the stairs'.
'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.
 
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white
robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'.
 
'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'. The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.
 
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts
 
'Oy, Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 09, 2007, 12:30:19 PM
Subject: " fifty quid is fifty quid."



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every

year, and every  year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride

in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter

ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris

said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I

might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty

quid,and fifty quid is fifty quid."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make

you   a   deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay

quiet

for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if

you  say   one word, it's fifty quid."



     

      Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all 

      kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his

      daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When

      they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I

did

      everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm

      impressed!"

      Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said

      something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is

fifty

      quid."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 09, 2007, 12:30:57 PM
AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

(You're going to love this....................)
scroll down

keep going..........



"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 10, 2007, 09:21:02 AM
Subject: Billy Connolly


Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting

Glasgow...






"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the

world where I could depend on one of the locals to

kick a man who was on fire, it would always be

Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore

bollocks...






I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A

FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign

at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the

words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...






I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a

religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late

guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's

sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to

al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out

their team sheet on Saturday...






The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the

attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow

that's never been a great way of getting your

insurance premiums down...






If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could

get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I

think we should definitely start putting signs up

round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial

Quarter'...






For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was

it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning

up late for check-in?






People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel

container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue

coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have

gone up like Hiroshima...






The best bit is being told that hundreds of people

were saved from being hideously burnt...these were

Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back

looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip

of a volcano!"



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on August 10, 2007, 10:58:28 AM
This is very corny...

Q. Why is there no TVs in Afghanistan?

A. Because of the Tele-ban.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SammyG on August 10, 2007, 11:00:51 AM
Quote from: illdecide on August 10, 2007, 09:21:02 AM
Subject: Billy Connolly


Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting

Glasgow...






"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the

world where I could depend on one of the locals to

kick a man who was on fire, it would always be

Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore

bollocks...






I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A

FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign

at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the

words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...






I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a

religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late

guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's

sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to

al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out

their team sheet on Saturday...






The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the

attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow

that's never been a great way of getting your

insurance premiums down...






If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could

get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I

think we should definitely start putting signs up

round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial

Quarter'...






For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was

it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning

up late for check-in?






People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel

container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue

coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have

gone up like Hiroshima...






The best bit is being told that hundreds of people

were saved from being hideously burnt...these were

Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back

looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip

of a volcano!"





It is very funny but it was actually a Frankie Boyle routine not a Billy Connolly one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 10, 2007, 01:12:03 PM
Catholics et al.

Too busy for confession? Try my great new online service. I'm playing the role of God for the next few days and will get back to you immediately with answers to your questions. Dont type in anything rude or I'll zap your keyboard with 1000 volts of electricity.

Dublin northsiders, tyrone and longford people shouldn't bother because you're well past saving anyway.

http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html (http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: FL/MAYO on August 12, 2007, 03:52:17 AM


Over the past few weeks, my wife has been looking into international cell phone plans. At the Verizon Wireless Web site, she had an online chat with a sales representative. I feel compelled to share this verbatim transcript:

A Verizon Wireless online pre-sales specialist has joined the chat. You are now chatting with chelsea.
chelsea: Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service. May I help you with your order today?
You: I am interested in the international BlackBerry and am looking for detailed information for rates on data and voice when making calls from different countries in Asia.
chelsea: Please hold on while I check that information.
chelsea: Unfortunately you will not be able to use the phone in Asia.
chelsea: I do apologize.
You: Hmm. OK. Actually am nearly certain the international BlackBerry can be used everywhere but Japan.
chelsea: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.
chelsea: I will be right with you.
chelsea: I just tried to look for Asia in the countries list, and it was unavailable.
You: Yeah. Asia is more of a continent than a country (like Europe—not a country, France—a country). I'll stop by a store I guess and try to figure it out.
chelsea: Ok.
chelsea: Thank you for visiting Verizon Wireless, I look forward to speaking with you again. Have a great day!
Your chat session has been ended by your Verizon Wireless online agent.

Chelsea seemed pretty eager to get out of there at the end. Unfailingly polite, though.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on August 12, 2007, 11:03:07 AM
I am not fluent in the Gaelic but you will get the gist of this.

A Kerry sheep farmer is walking across his fields when he comes upon an English hiker lying down on his belly beside a river/stream.  He has one hand on the bank and with the other hand he is scooping water up and drinking it.  The farmer says:

Na bi ag ol an uisce seo as an abhainn seo, ta siad a lan .... (stop drinking that water it is full of sheep shit)

And the English man says " I say old boy, could you repeat that in the Queens English"

And the old farmer said: "Ah I was just saying there that if you cup both hands together you will be able to swallow a lot more"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 14, 2007, 08:53:04 AM
FW: Blonde joke....
>
>
>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
>double-pane energy-efficient kind.
>
>
>Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
>He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
>and I hadn't paid for them yet.
>
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-
>talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE
>YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
>
"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
>
>There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
>hung up....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 14, 2007, 02:45:38 PM
THE PREACHER IS MOVING
>>
>> A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
>> congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the
>> congregation,.....no one wants him to leave.
>>
>>
>>
>> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

>> proclaims, ... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
>> Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
>> their children!"
>>
>> The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
>> says,...."If the Preacher will stay on here, I will personally double

>> his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college
>> education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
>> Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
>>
>>
>>
>> The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you

>> to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to
>> hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his

>> head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked
>> my husband how we could help, and he said, ... "Screw the Preacher!"
>>
>>
>>
>> P.S. Isn't senility something else?'
>>
>> Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 14, 2007, 07:41:23 PM
Someone offered me eight legs of venison for £50 last night.

Do you think that's two deer?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on August 14, 2007, 10:14:16 PM
Quote from: Orior on August 14, 2007, 07:41:23 PM
Someone offered me eight legs of venison for £50 last night.

Do you think that's two deer?

I'm a vegetarian so I've no eye deer (where's me coat)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on August 15, 2007, 12:35:18 AM
Q. What Nationality is Mr. Sheen?






A. Polish


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 15, 2007, 12:41:17 AM
For the love of God, will someone please think of the children!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 16, 2007, 12:49:41 AM
I want to be a redneck like ONeill.

http://myredneckworld.com/ (http://myredneckworld.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 16, 2007, 08:43:04 AM
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much  in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old  buddies. So, he said to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar to have a beer, pretty face" he replied

"You want a beer, my love?" asked the wife, opening the door to the refrigerator and showing him 5 different kinds of beer, brands from 5
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:

"Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him.
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" and so saying she took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said: "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...  I won't be long, I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey...  at the bar...   you know...   there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?.  "WELL LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD!  DRINK YOUR f**king BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"   

and, they lived  happily ever  after.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on August 16, 2007, 01:35:51 PM
An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool
With his hand. The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac
bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.) The man shouts back
"I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you". The Irishman shouts
back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on August 16, 2007, 05:01:48 PM
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/20633020a2271022183b271660078l.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 17, 2007, 02:57:02 PM
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
                 "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
          ******************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
         ******************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
         ******************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
         ******************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
******************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
******************************
At a Towing company:!
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
*************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.! "
         ******************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
         ****************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
IN a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

******************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 17, 2007, 03:52:27 PM
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.


White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.


You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.


White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BallyLad on August 17, 2007, 04:32:24 PM
The Pastor's Ass
>>
>>
>>
>>    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
>>
>>    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
>>
>>
>>      The local paper read:
>>
>>
>>    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
>>
>>      The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not   to enter the donkey in another race.
>>
>>
>>      The next day, the local paper headline read:
>>
>>
>>>>BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
>>
>>      This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the    donkey.
>>
>>
>>      The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
>>
>>      The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
>>
>>>>
>>  NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
>>
>>  The bishop fainted.
>>
>>      He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to   a farmer for $10.
>>
>>
>>
>>      The next day the paper read:
>>
>>      NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
>>
>>
>>      This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and   lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
>>
>>
>>
>>The next day the headlines read:
>>
>>NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
>>
>>      The bishop was buried the next day.
>>
>>
>>      The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you    much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
>>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on August 17, 2007, 04:46:54 PM
From the Newry Democrat 13 January 2005

Award for Joe
Newry Toilet Attendant, Joe Smith, has won the prestigious Toilet
Attendant of the Year Award.
 
Smith, 68, who has worked at the facility in Newry market since the
late seventies was last night presented with the solid silver medal by May
McFetridge at a ceremony at Belfast 's Europa Hotel.
 
Smith told the Democrat "It is a great honour to receive this

award. I have been in the toilet business for nearly 30 years and have
seen a great many changes.
 
"These days it's full of junkies and needles and men propositioning
each other.
I tell you, if someone comes in for a straightforward shite it's like a
breath of fresh air."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ExiledGael on August 17, 2007, 05:19:17 PM
Tell me that's not genuine
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: thebandit on August 17, 2007, 05:24:00 PM
Its correct and right
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ExiledGael on August 17, 2007, 05:26:46 PM
Holy shit, funniest thing I've seen here in ages  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bacon on August 18, 2007, 09:11:10 AM
Classic!  :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 20, 2007, 10:20:57 AM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks,
"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
>asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You
can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
>physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

! "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"




Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on August 20, 2007, 10:53:34 AM
Thats ture about ur man from Newry. I herd that b4.

How do u cure water on the brain?

A we tap on the head!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on August 20, 2007, 10:59:45 AM
Did you hear about the Tap dancer???












He fell into the sink
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on August 20, 2007, 11:11:25 AM
 :D :D :D
Herd it b4
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BallyLad on August 20, 2007, 03:24:37 PM

>>>
>>>Recently in Leitrim a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local village

>>>tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar
>>>so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the

>>>car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
>>>
>>>After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
>>>the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for
>>>a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
>>>off.
>>>
>>>Finally he started the car,
>>>switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the

>>>indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
>>>lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and
>>>then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles

>>>left.
>>>
>>>At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
>>>down the road.
>>>
>>>The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
>>>patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
>>>and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
>>>
>>>To his amazement theBreathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
>>>having consumed alcohol at all!
>>>
>>>Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
>>>the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>>>
>>>"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
>>>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on August 20, 2007, 03:59:16 PM
A man visits his local health centre for his annual check-up.

"You're going to have to stop masturbating" says the nurse;

"Why?" says the man; "

"Because i am trying to examine you!" says the nurse.

Boom boom
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cville on August 20, 2007, 07:34:24 PM
Dublin fella gets into bed with his wife and pops the question "Here luv, any chance of an oul roide the noight?" To which she responds "Sure ye know I'm goin to the Doctars for a check-up in the morn an I want to be all fresh for it." The Dublin guy thinks for ten seconds and responds "You're not going tae the Dentists also are ye?" :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 21, 2007, 10:31:33 AM
Two Kerry men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't  have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.

Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 21, 2007, 04:44:22 PM
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the

currency exchange window at the local bank.

                       

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to

exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated...   

                   

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo

yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"       

             

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".



The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Star Spangler on August 22, 2007, 10:10:38 AM
Bin Laden sent out a TV message on Monday to prove he was still alive.  In it he said, "Meath were shite at the weekend."

The US government has, however, dismissed this saying, "It could have been recorded any time in the last five years."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 23, 2007, 02:58:53 PM
Nine words women use...
>
>1.)   Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
>are right and you need to shut up.
>
>2.)   Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
>hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five
>more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
>
>3.)   Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
>something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
>nothing usually end in fine.
>
>4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
>
>5.)   Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
>statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you
>are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
>arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
>nothing.)
>
>6.)   That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
>women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and
>hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
>7.)   Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
>say you're welcome.
>
>8.)  Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "up yours".
>
>9.)  Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
>meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
>times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
>asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
>
>Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
>avoid if they remember the terminology.
>
>Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause
>they know it's true.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 23, 2007, 04:10:40 PM
Who's the Daddy

The following are all replies that women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These
are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It
takes the prize. 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on August 24, 2007, 06:33:29 AM
Already posted not two pages back Illdecide
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 24, 2007, 10:37:13 AM
Interesting fact:

1 + 1 = 3   (for large values of 1)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on August 24, 2007, 12:03:32 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on August 24, 2007, 11:59:14 AM
Went to the zoo last week and there was only one small dog, it was a schitzu.


You watching BB last night
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on August 24, 2007, 01:40:03 PM
Quote from: full back on August 24, 2007, 12:03:32 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on August 24, 2007, 11:59:14 AM
Went to the zoo last week and there was only one small dog, it was a schitzu.


You watching BB last night

what do u call a member of girls aloud with a tenner over her head??

All you can eat for under a tenner

(sad BB joke from last nite)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 24, 2007, 04:19:47 PM
Quote from: stephenite on August 24, 2007, 06:33:29 AM
Already posted not two pages back Illdecide

Sorry about that chief, didn't realise.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on August 28, 2007, 09:50:59 AM
Just bringing this back from page 3.  Not a joke but the outcome of events over the weekend.
Went to the game with a man who is a dog handler in the drugs squad and we were having general chit chat during half time.  I was asking when the helicopter was above Croker "was the dog ever up in the helicopter" etc. (and he was)

In the pub then last night we are all chatting and I am telling my story about the drug search dog and I said:
Do you know that when the dog sniffs out two million pounds worth of drugs how they thank him?

Replies were like, "I suppose they give him a big feed" etc.

No, I said, what they do is give him a ball to play with, that is all he wants is a ball to play with.

Well then said one wit in front of me, "wouldn't it be a great idea if Pillar Caffrey did that?"
What say's I?
<
<
<
<
<
<
Give some of the players a ball to play with instead of what they do in training.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Square Ball on August 28, 2007, 09:33:55 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

sent by an American friend who is a woman
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on August 29, 2007, 05:51:49 PM
True story.  A friend of mine was standing at a bus stop. There was one other person in front of him – a lad of about twenty. A tough looking hardchaw comes walking along, stops and stammers to the lad, "w-w-wha-what t-t-ti-time is it?"

The lad ignores him completely. So your man asks again "w-w-wha-what b-b-b-blee-bleedin t-t-ti-time is it?"

At this stage my friend intervenes – "its ten to four" and hardchaw stares at the other lad for a while before walking off. When he was gone, my friend asked the lad – "do you mind me asking – why didn't you answer him?".

"I d-d-d-didn't w-w-w-want t-t-to g-g-get m-m-me head k-k-kicked in!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on August 30, 2007, 09:23:03 AM
 :D :D :D Hardy grate!!

A man goes to the Dr an says I don't feel well ive just eat a bar of soap. The Dr said  That's life boy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on August 30, 2007, 11:58:17 AM
A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-burried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bluge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish, I want half my head to be an orange.'"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armagh4SamAgain on August 30, 2007, 08:19:24 PM
Thats a very good post. it shoud serve as  a remmmder for all of us.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on August 31, 2007, 04:20:32 PM
Where did the 7th dwarf go?

(http://images.teamsugar.com/files/users/1/13255/35_2007/40aug22-butt-dwarfs_0.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on August 31, 2007, 04:24:42 PM
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

   1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
   4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
   8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
      "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
      "What?"
      "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

   
See other random stuff
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on August 31, 2007, 04:32:12 PM
Might be an old one, but I have just seen it for the first time today  :D


> >Two 90 year old men, Pat and Tom, have been friends all of their lives.
> >When it's clear that Pat is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Pat
> >says, "Tom, we both loved Gaelic Football all our lives, and we played
> >through all the ranks, right up from U-12 together for so many years.
> >Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
> >know if there's Gaelic Football played up there."
> >Pat looks up at Tom from his death bed," Tom, you've been my best friend
> >for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
> >Shortly after that, Pat passes on.
> >At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by
> >a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom--Tom."
> >"Who is it?, asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "To-m--it's me,
> >Pat."
> >"You're not Pat. Pat just died."
> >"I'm telling you, it's me, Pat," insists the voice.
> >"Pat! Where are you?"
> >"In heaven", replies Pat. "I have some really good news and a little bad
> >news."
> >"Tell me the good news first," says Tom."The good news," Pat says," is that
> >there's Gaelic Football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who
> >died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
> >Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows, so
> >there's no need for a defunct fixtures committee to mess things up. And
> >best of all, we can play Gaelic Football all we want, and we never get
> >tired."
> >
> >"That's fantastic," says Tom. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
> >
> >So what could possibly be the bad news?"
> >
> >"You're playing corner-forward for Meath on Tuesday evening  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 31, 2007, 04:53:47 PM
Talking of old old old jokes, the Derry GAA thread reminds me of this one:

A man goes into the Doctor's surgery and asks if he can put his 13 year old daughter on the pill.

"Is she sexually active?" asks the doctor

"No" replies the man "she just lies there like her mother"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the Deel Rover on August 31, 2007, 05:02:24 PM
a group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar. When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies

"my wifes epileptic"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Carmen Stateside on August 31, 2007, 10:23:07 PM
A local bakery hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. " I'd like some raisen bread please," the man says politely.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisen bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost beneath her, is provided with an excellent veiw.
As the assistant retreives the bread, a small number of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
pretty soon each person is asking for raisen bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down. After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd " Is yours raisen too?" the assistant shouts down.
"no" croaks the feeble old man.........................."But its startin to twitch." :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 04, 2007, 04:42:30 PM
Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. He reports to the
doctor that nothing, not even Viagra, does any good.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken
down
from aging and there's nothing he can do unless
he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having
intimacy
again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he
gives Bob the approval to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling
incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable
and he figures no one can see him under the table so he undoes his
pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out
of his pants, undulates across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit
basket, and disppears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her
face. She says,
"That was pretty cool! can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can stuff another apple up my ass."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 05, 2007, 08:50:45 AM
An older man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;


"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both.  Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel.  That will help your wife fantasize, and
should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming,  orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder
and says to him triumphantly................


THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 05, 2007, 08:53:58 AM
>>Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
>>Big Bad
>>Wolf crouched down behind a log.
>>
>>"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding
>>Hood.
>>
>>The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
>>
>>Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
>>this time
>>he is crouched behind a tree stump.
>>
>>"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.
>>
>>Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
>>
>>About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
>>again,
>>this time crouched down behind a road sign.
>>
>>"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding
>>Hood.
>>
>>With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you ****
>>off, I'm
>>trying to have a shit"!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 05, 2007, 04:47:58 PM
Did you make that up all by yourself?  :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on September 05, 2007, 09:57:59 PM
Q. What's pink and hard? A. A pig with a flick-knife..
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 06, 2007, 10:44:54 AM
Subject: Tyrone Seamus



Wee Seamus from Omagh always wanted to look cool.
So his friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Seamus saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Gingy bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the streets of Omagh calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Seamus aware that he had a lace undone?

Seamus scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Seamus took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Scroll Down..........































.... TAIWAN !!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on September 06, 2007, 08:13:42 PM
KNOCK KNOCK


Whose there  ???


THE ELECTRICIAN


The Electrician who ???



THE ELECTRICIAN WHO IS HERE TO FIX YOUR DOORBELL
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 07, 2007, 09:46:03 AM
Sunburn A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
>> > a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly
>> > admitted
>>after
>> > being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already
>> > starting
>
>>to
>> > blister , and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor
>> > prescribes an
>>IV
>> > with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
>>hours.
>> > The nurse, who is rather astounded asks, "What good will Viagra do
>> > him, Doctor?" "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Captain Scarlet on September 07, 2007, 09:51:57 AM
May i just state these are not mine!

Anybody want a ticket for Pavarotti's funeral? Only a tenor

Pavarotti at the gates of heaven hands St.Peter a note from the Pope, it reads "here's that tenor i owe you".

The three tenors will now be known as 'twenty quid'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 07, 2007, 10:47:46 AM
Well if your gonna start it...

Had a phone call from the Pavarotti family, so I got to work. Sheet of MDF £5.65, glue £1.90, handles and screws £1.65, varnish £0.80p.

See, you can make a coffin for a "Tenor"......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on September 07, 2007, 10:56:14 AM
Quote from: illdecide on September 06, 2007, 10:44:54 AM
Subject: Tyrone Seamus



Wee Seamus from Omagh always wanted to look cool.
So his friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Seamus saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Gingy bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the streets of Omagh calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Seamus aware that he had a lace undone?

Seamus scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Seamus took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Scroll Down..........































.... TAIWAN !!!


FFS - THAT JOKE IS A DERRY JOKE - IE 'SCORE AT THE DERRY CITY MATCH LAST WEEK.............
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: behind the wire on September 07, 2007, 11:13:38 AM
two UDA men sitting making letter bombs-

billy says to sammy "i dont know if that one will work or not"

so sammy says "sure open it and see"

billy says back " are you sure i wont get blew up?"

sammy says "nah never worry sure it wasnt addressed to you!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 07, 2007, 11:25:13 AM
So Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates...


St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on
in. squeeze through'.

pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from
the pope.'

st peter opens it up and reads it. ....



Scroll down.....






|



|



|



|



|



|



|



|








'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on September 07, 2007, 11:57:05 AM
I can sympathise with the Italians over the death of Pavarotti, I know what it is like to lose a tenner!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: man in black on September 07, 2007, 12:04:57 PM
Elton John set to replace Pavorotti and join Jose and Placido, they will be known as the "2 tenors and the 9 bob note"

A special hearse had to be built for the big man....and its makers are so impressed they will launch it next year. the "nissan dorma" will be on sale from january.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on September 08, 2007, 10:55:15 PM
Quote"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

So true.

Its like having reserved places for families with young children at supermarkets.
I appreciate that they may need more space to get their youngsters in and out of the cars. But why do these spaces need to be close to the entrances to the shop?
Surely if these places were at the furthest reaches of the car parks, the extra exercise pushing the trollies would help the mothers to get fit again
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on September 10, 2007, 01:52:29 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on September 09, 2007, 01:33:39 PM
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Dundrum Shopping Centre . Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
Simply going out to get some bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to Stillorgan shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on August; 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam.


thats rough man- my heart goes out to you. i hope them women are caught and punished! :-[
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 11, 2007, 02:13:56 PM
Subject: Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.


One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange po st card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 12, 2007, 11:28:35 AM
>>A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with
her
>> >>two kids in tow, screaming  obscenities at them all the way through
the
>> >>entrance.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
>> >>children
>> >>you've got there. Are they twins?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course

>> >>they
>> >>f***ing aren't! He's nine and she's seven.  Why the f*** would you
>> >>think
>> >>they're twins???? Do they look f***ing alike, tw*t?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>  "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "but I just can't believe
> anyone
>> >>would sh*g you twice!"
>> >>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 13, 2007, 08:52:23 AM
This brainy bloke had an IQ of 268 and he was finding it really difficult to make friends with normal people, so he went to see what his doctor could do for him.
As luck would have it, the Doc had just purchased an amazing new machine that could actually shrink the size of the human brain. So he strapped him into the contraption and flipped the switch. But just at that moment the phone rang and the doctor went to answer it.
Five minutes later he came back and realised he'd forgotten about the genius he'd strapped into the machine."Ohmigod!" he cried as he switched off the

power. A quick test revealed the IQ of the man had been reduced to 1.
"Speak to me, say something - anything!" screamed the doctor. The man looked out of the window and in a deep Neanderthal-type voice he grunted "Rain."

The Doc looked outside and seen that the weather had changed and indeed it had begun to rain.
"Come on, come on, say something else - are you all right?"
implored the
Doc.
Again, all the man could do was stare outside and grunt "Rain."
"What is it, what are you trying to say?" asked the doctor.
"Rain,
Rain,
Rain.......................
................................................
...............................................
.............................................
.............................................
.............................................
............................................
...........................................
............................................
............................................
.............................................
...........................................
.............................................
.........................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
.............................................
...............................................
...........................................
...............................................
...............................................
.............................................
................................GERS"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 13, 2007, 10:35:44 AM
Lay off Crossmaglen
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 13, 2007, 01:09:57 PM
Quote from: Orior on September 13, 2007, 10:35:44 AM
Lay off Crossmaglen

Jasus thats below the belt. John Donaldson will get ya for that
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 13, 2007, 01:21:02 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on September 13, 2007, 01:12:19 PM
**WARNING**
Please DO NOT read this if you are easily offended.


Ranault have manufactured a new family sized car. You can put the kids in the back and never find them again.
Its called the Renault McCann.

f**k me 5ive Times thats not very nice, a we bit OTT
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on September 13, 2007, 01:25:12 PM
What's worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids?



Letting the McCanns take them on holidays




**WARNING**
Please DO NOT read the above if you are easily offended.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on September 13, 2007, 01:28:21 PM
Whatever happened to the "Do not read if easily offended thread?"
Did the mods close it or something?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 14, 2007, 11:36:51 AM
You've forgotten ...

Murphy's Law of the Lab (or Kitchen)
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: aontroim abu on September 14, 2007, 02:03:55 PM
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you
like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it... Cars are backed up for miles...
Finally, a police car comes up... The policeman got out of his car and
walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The
lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 14, 2007, 05:42:35 PM
QuoteI think all the jokes on here have repeated themselves.

In fairness that's been said before, Hardstation.  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on September 14, 2007, 06:02:18 PM

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on September 14, 2007, 06:13:50 PM
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on September 14, 2007, 06:02:18 PM

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


No LL you should have gone for a beaver instead of a rabbit, then the man would say "I'd say someone else shot the beaver!"  8)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on September 14, 2007, 06:27:03 PM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.  We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on September 14, 2007, 06:29:26 PM
Aussie Logic - tough to beat

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head,there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

"That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see.....  a blink!," said the second man.  "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye"

That's a very popular clich? for speed."He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard
to beat the speed of light", he said.Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,
said the Aussie."What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie,"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could,think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

He got the job
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Goats Do Shave on September 18, 2007, 09:08:10 AM
A guy gets on an elevator. In the corner, an old geezer about ninety is lip-locked with a gorgeous piece of work about twenty, dressed in a miniskirt that barely went below the beaver line.

The guy watched the steamy mingling for a while, then said to the geezer, "Excuse me, sir, I don't want to interfere--but at your age, sex can kill"

The geezer pauses the mingling for a moment, saying, "Well, if she dies, she dies."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on September 18, 2007, 01:06:32 PM
Alcohol free lager. Its like licking your sisters fanny, it tastes the same but its not right
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on September 19, 2007, 01:32:05 PM
>If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on an airplane
>
>follow these instructions:
>
>1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
>
>2. Remove your laptop.
>
>3. Start up.
>
>4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Go to this
>link. http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf
>
>6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 20, 2007, 02:06:49 PM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.  It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
our Newsletter and several other letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 21, 2007, 03:33:37 PM
Women:

Women are like orange juice cartons, its not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those f**king flaps to open.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: small white mayoman on September 21, 2007, 04:54:01 PM
The best engine in the world is the fanny.It takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with one finger and every 4 weeks does it own oil change.... its just a pity the management system is so f**king tempermental
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 21, 2007, 07:28:18 PM
I'd delete that 5ive, before you get a backlash ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 21, 2007, 07:32:43 PM
5 times in poor taste >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cloc Mor on September 21, 2007, 07:48:11 PM
I got pulled by Mods over alot less.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ExiledGael on September 21, 2007, 07:50:29 PM
You Down people are all bad news!

Seriously though I think people go over the top in their criticism of jokes and comedians. The people push the boundaries to entertain, if you don't find it funny go away, no harm being done to anyone
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on September 21, 2007, 08:36:58 PM
Quote from: 5iveTimes on September 21, 2007, 06:49:18 PM
Jose Mourhino is reportedly so upset over leaving Chelsea, he has told reporters he wants to just 'go home to Portugal and never be seen or heard of again'.

Reports suggest The McCanns have offered to help....


:D good one. R U paddy kietly 5 times??  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 21, 2007, 11:48:03 PM
I was in Spain two years aso and there was an attempted kidnapping where we were staying. Scary as f""k. I know its only a joke but if you had children (i am sue you do not) you would view this differently.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: deiseach on September 22, 2007, 12:29:58 AM
Quote from: ExiledGael on September 21, 2007, 07:50:29 PM
Seriously though I think people go over the top in their criticism of jokes and comedians. The people push the boundaries to entertain, if you don't find it funny go away, no harm being done to anyone

(http://winkingwalnut.com/images/manningtomb.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 22, 2007, 12:15:12 PM
Quote from: Mac Eoghain on September 22, 2007, 12:25:43 AM
Climb out of your own hole hoops. And yes I do have children.

Nice to see an academic on the board. Big achievement for you to have children.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 22, 2007, 12:44:09 PM
Fair enough. Just think this one's a bit raw now to be joking about. Then again i am not the Sense of Humour Ploice.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on September 22, 2007, 01:09:25 PM
What do you call a fly with no wings?



A walk
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on September 22, 2007, 01:28:21 PM
Quote from: hoopsaaa on September 22, 2007, 12:15:12 PM
Quote from: Mac Eoghain on September 22, 2007, 12:25:43 AM
Climb out of your own hole hoops. And yes I do have children.

Nice to see an academic on the board. Big achievement for you to have children.

Well  :o.  I am offended by that comment hoops and really feel for Mac Eoighain at this time. Please remove before he reads it  ::)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 22, 2007, 01:31:22 PM
Too late. Read back. Issue over. ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on September 22, 2007, 01:37:07 PM
Well ok then. But make sure and say an extra prayer tomorrow at mass for that one OK?  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 23, 2007, 10:56:45 AM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7008042.stm

Update - i am not the only one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on September 23, 2007, 10:56:23 PM
"Patrick is a comedian and the material was written to reflect the media's changing attitude towards the case and should be taken in that context."

PK and his people will be well aware of the fact the "joe public" don't have a f**king clue about putting anything in context, so rather than fight the media who spin the story in the first place they just help them create another soundbite for their news updates that is non controversial and fits the 20 second slot alloted to it

I don't think he is sorry at all



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 23, 2007, 11:25:02 PM
Come on i said the extra prayers :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on September 23, 2007, 11:38:49 PM
Foot and Mouth found on farm in Scotland.

But the rest of Colin McRae is still missing
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: theskull1 on September 24, 2007, 12:08:21 AM
Quote from: hoopsaaa on September 23, 2007, 11:25:02 PM
Come on i said the extra prayers :)

And what did god say? Are you forgiven?

I see you've found the sickapedia website windmill.....thats a bit raw alright
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on September 24, 2007, 08:03:20 AM
Thats the last comment i make on this thread.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 24, 2007, 10:27:23 AM
Looking for a Wife

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

               Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 24, 2007, 07:52:22 PM
Let's see if this one gets past the joke police:

Sign on all nursery doors in Palestinian maternity hospitals:
"Danger - live ammunition"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 24, 2007, 11:48:52 PM
From ye olde book of Kerry Jokes

A Kerryman got a job on a ship. On his first day the Captain said to him that the passenger in cabin 36 had died and that he should be given a burial at sea. The next day the Captain asked him had everything gone OK, the Kerryman said that he had buried the passenger in cabin 26. The Captain said but I said 36, who was in cabin 26? A Corkman, replied the crewman. "Was he dead?" asked the Captain. He said he wasn't, said the Kerryman, but those Cork langers are fierce liars, so I buried him anyway.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 26, 2007, 12:20:34 PM
This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"




She replied, "What happened to my snot???"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 08:37:16 AM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen Sodium. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and is to be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 08:38:56 AM
  > >The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
    > >appointment
    > >with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not
surprised
    > >when
    > >Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
    > >The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
    > >full-time
    > >employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
    > >
    > >I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
    > >"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
    > >demonstration?"
    > >The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
    > >Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
    > >The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
    > >Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
    > >The auditor's jaw drops.
    > >Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
other
    > >eye."
    > >The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
    > >Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
    > >The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,
    > >with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    > >
    > >"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six
    > >thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into
that
    > >rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
    > >The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
    > >decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
    > >Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
    > >strains
    > > for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other
side, so he
    > >pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    > >The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss
    > >into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
    > >"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
    > >"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
    > >been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here
    > >and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 08:41:04 AM
A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
  At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
   When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
  If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 08:41:53 AM
AN IRISHMAN

   



   



   



   

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

   



   

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

   



   

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"



   

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

   



   

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

   



   

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra, "said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

   



   

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.

   



   

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." 

   



   

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.

   



   

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

   



   

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.  She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played

around?"

   



   

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;

   



   



   

"Sweet Jesus!

   

Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 10:11:23 AM
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a  woman in the   shadows.

'Twenty quid ' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its
only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of   minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police  officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on September 27, 2007, 01:02:19 PM
> > >A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout
> > >hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and
> > >eventually asks the hooker, "How  much ?"  Hooker replies,
> > >"It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
> > >Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is
> > >worth that  kind of money!"
> > >The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
> > >And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
> > >$500."
> > >Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
> > >
> > >They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
> > >is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
> > >hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.  He is so
> > >amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
> > >  The hooker replies, "$1,500."
> > >  "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that".
> > >The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
> > >Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
> > >casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
> > >that's worth every cent of $1,500."
> > >The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
> > >says, "Sign  me up."
> > >
> > >Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
> > >before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got
> > >his money's worth.
> > >He  decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
> > >glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
> > >"How much for some pussy?"
> > >The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see
> > >how the  whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all
> > >those beautiful lights,  gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
> > >"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
   > >"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 27, 2007, 04:28:35 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Guts or Balls...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Guts or Balls...
> >
> >There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
> >balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to
> >keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
> >
> >GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
> >your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
> >cleaning,
> >or are you flying somewhere?"
> >
> >BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
> >perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
> >and having the balls to say: "You're next fatty."
> >
> >I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> >
> >Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
> >ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 01, 2007, 12:49:40 PM
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


(Continue below - This is great)

















"THE TEETH."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: hoopsaaa on October 01, 2007, 01:17:05 PM
 illdecide the tax man one is a classic :D I think i know that man.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on October 01, 2007, 02:02:59 PM
This is the worst ever .. at a staff xmas do one night and - few drinks etc - thought it would be a good idea to tell this at a table which contained my boss and his wife (good-living folk sipping Ballygowan) ... here we go ...

Big RUC man is patrolling over at Shaw's Bridge one night when he hears a rustle in the bushes..
So he shines his torch over and lo and behold there's a naked man touching his toes, with another naked man standing behind him going back and forward, back and forward..
"What the f**k ye at there?" the big Peeler shouts....
"Trying to make him sick" the naked one standing replies..
"You'll not make him sick like that" .. says the Peeler
to which the guy replies "He will be when I turn him round and stick this in his mouth!"

Silence descended on the table as I got me coat!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Sandy Hill on October 01, 2007, 03:47:48 PM


Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 01, 2007, 04:16:19 PM
Golden oldie...on the same subject.

What about the dyslexic Rugby Union manager.....He paid a fortune for Joanna Lumley!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on October 01, 2007, 04:56:02 PM
QuoteThat's NDA Mac Eoghain.
Aw c'mon seriously- read it again...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 01, 2007, 07:25:15 PM
Is that a clever double bluff from Hardstation? Should we give him the benefit of the doubt?

No.

Hardstation you idiot!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DoYerJob Linesman on October 01, 2007, 09:16:55 PM
That was great... thanks hardstation, first time i've laughed all day!

  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BallyLad on October 02, 2007, 10:34:29 AM
And one that has appeared about 5 times in the thread before!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 02, 2007, 01:21:32 PM
Quote from: BallyLad on October 02, 2007, 10:34:29 AM
And one that has appeared about 5 times in the thread before!!

Happy now ;) :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Star Spangler on October 03, 2007, 12:34:55 PM
Is this thread not for jokes?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 03, 2007, 01:54:55 PM
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your
vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their
car
to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband
told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the
chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable
to
stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put
her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on October 03, 2007, 07:58:41 PM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

The Guard says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Gurad replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Guard says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

The Guard says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', 
I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

The Guard says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. 
The Guard takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, 
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down you smart arsed English b*stard?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on October 04, 2007, 02:13:29 PM
>Ralph the chicken...........Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed
>beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the
>Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph
>was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send
>me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
>back, and that is as a chicken."
>
>
>Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
>home. The next thing he knew, He was covered with feathers, clucking, and
>pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past "So, you're the new hen, huh?
>How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have
>this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating,"
>explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
>"Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster.
>"It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
>popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
>motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was
>about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and
>heard his wife shout.....
>
>
>Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the bed!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BallyLad on October 05, 2007, 10:01:19 AM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.  One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre diving board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river."


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on October 05, 2007, 10:18:44 AM
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine today... We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "magic".
"Wow!", I exclaimed, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit bigger than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.
So I told her to f*ck off.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 05, 2007, 10:21:38 AM
A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three
tests?'
Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached
satisfaction during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for
her.'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,the pit bull
yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.

'Now,' he says ....... 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 05, 2007, 10:49:19 AM
            Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

             

            He travel ed up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

             

            The black bear said:  "That was a very  bad mistake. That
was my cousin and I'm going to  give you two choices. Either I maul you
to death or ... we have sex."

             

            After considering  briefly, Frank decided to accept the
latter alternative... So the black  bear had his way with Frank.

             

            Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.
             
            He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black  bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right  next to him.
The grizzly said: "That was a big mistake, Frank...... That was my
cousin  and you've got two choices. Either I maul you death or we have
rough sex."

             

            Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly  bear than be mauled to death. So, the grizzly had his way with
Frank.


            Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.
             
            Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and  managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

             

            The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on October 05, 2007, 12:39:14 PM
An old man goes up to a prostitute in Tralee. He says "How much do you charge?" She replies "€150"
"Thats pretty dear" says he "I've no money, all I have is these 2 all ireland medals I won in the 50's"
She looks at the medals and agrees to the deal, she takes them and off they go to do the business.
Next night another old man approaches her and says "How much do you charge?" She replies "€150"
"Thats pretty dear" says he "are you any good?"...........

She says



"I've got two All Ireland Medals"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: MauriceMalpas on October 05, 2007, 01:43:31 PM
 > A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
> from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any
> paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
> Garda's expense!!
>
> Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
> sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
> registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
> "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
>
> Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton
> and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you
> want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on October 05, 2007, 01:45:02 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DirtyDozen12 on October 05, 2007, 02:35:42 PM
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. 
Paddy says 'Me feet r freezin mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
"No bother" he says and runs up the stairs.  There are Paddys two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.  "Hello girls, your Dad sent me up here to shag ye both".
"f**k off ye liar" they said.
"ill prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them Pat?"
"Of Course, whats the use of f**king one!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the Deel Rover on October 06, 2007, 09:17:52 AM
A maried man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm the man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.
"where have you been?" his wife demanded.
" I can't lie to you" he replied "i'm having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon"
she looked down at his shoes and said " you lying bastard ! you've been playing golf!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristotle Flynn on October 06, 2007, 12:25:14 PM
Maurice - it's a good idea tp read the previous page before posting on this thread.

Quote from: MauriceMalpas on October 05, 2007, 01:43:31 PM
> A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
> from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any
> paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
> Garda's expense!!
>
> Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
> sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
> registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
> "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
>
> Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton
> and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you
> want me to stop, or just slow down?"


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyroneman on October 09, 2007, 12:43:07 PM
Q. What is Roy Keane's favourite band?

A. Take That...........you c**t
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hank Everlast on October 09, 2007, 12:47:37 PM
Never Argue with a Woman    One  morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take  a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat  out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.    Along  comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,  "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"  "Reading  a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a  Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not  fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I  know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you  up."  "If you  do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.    "But I  haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you  have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."   "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.  MORAL:  Never argue with a  woman who reads. It's likely she can also think  .     
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 09, 2007, 01:27:48 PM
>THE RETIREMENT BONUS
> >
> >If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
> >
> >The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
> >men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised
> >any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a
> >bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
> >any two points in his body.
> >Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
> >
> >The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
> >of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
> >walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
> >
> >The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
> >measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
> >walked out with $96,000.
> >
> >The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
> >Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
> >"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
> >
> >It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
> >explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
> >received.
> >
> >But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him
> >providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical
> >officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em,"
> >which he did..
> >
> >The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie
> >and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where
> >are your testicles?"
> >
> >The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Title: Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
Post by: Billys Boots on October 10, 2007, 01:06:16 PM
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:


I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 10, 2007, 01:56:26 PM
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'
He said, 'You've got cholera.'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch'.



I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You anything'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 11, 2007, 01:22:04 PM
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students  about "involuntary muscle contractions". To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, for example, do you know what your asshole is doing while your having an orgasm? she replies "probably at Clones watching Armagh"

That came from a Tyrone gypsie :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on October 11, 2007, 04:20:19 PM
Q) How do we know E.T was a Protestant?


Ans) Because he looks like one

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on October 12, 2007, 10:31:11 AM
An Englishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
Asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Englishman looked across the
Restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress
nodded 'yes,'
so the Englishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The
next patron to come in was a Scotsman with a hunched back. He shuffled
over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress For a cup of
hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that
Jesus over there? 'The waitress nodded, so the Scotsman said to give
Jesus a cup of Hot tea, 'My treat.' The third patron to come into the
restaurant was a Irishman on Crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat
down and hollered, 'Hey there, sweetie How's about getting me a cold
glass of Coke!' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is
that God's boy Over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the
Irishman said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, 'On my bill.' As Jesus
got up to leave, he passed by the Englishman, touched him and said,'For
your kindness, you are healed.' The Englishman felt the strength Come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also
passed by the Scotsman, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you
are healed.' The Scotsman felt his back straightening Up,and he raised
his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back Flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Irishman.
The Irishman jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me... I'm on
disability!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 12, 2007, 02:33:15 PM
I went to the local video shop and I said,
'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type'.
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I went to the local video shop and I said,
'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type'.
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'
He said 'You're closest'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 12, 2007, 02:47:49 PM
Dear Abby


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.



Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.



What should I do?



Signed: Clueless




Dear Clueless:



Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!



You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 12, 2007, 04:19:41 PM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The
barman
looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The  ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a
call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey
Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good  money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
> "At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes." says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the
duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.

> "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
>_______________________________________
Title: Nicked from the cheeky "Reservoir Dubs" discussion Board
Post by: 5 Sams on October 12, 2007, 04:33:34 PM
Coolness test

This test is based on how cool you were in School--what

crowd you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've

changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm






Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on October 12, 2007, 05:16:58 PM
 :D :D :D lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 12, 2007, 07:08:39 PM
Excellent.

I got 8 out of 10 and the commentary says I'm as cool as a ice cube wearing shades.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DMarsden on October 13, 2007, 12:44:59 PM
http://www.fhm.com/asp_code/bigeyelinks/link.asp?http://www.theonion.com/content/video/use_of_n_word_may_end_porn_stars

sort of NWS.... careful now...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Leg End on October 16, 2007, 01:46:43 AM
did you hear about gareth gates...

he went into a shop to buy a mars bar and came out with 10 packets of m&m's ;D :D ;) :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on October 16, 2007, 08:35:47 AM
The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock filling station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30.Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 17, 2007, 08:42:29 AM
      >A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
> >and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
> >

Ø      > >CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
> >

Ø      > >CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
> >

Ø      > >HAND JOB: $1000
> >

Ø      > >Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
> >beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
> >a meagre looking group of farmers.

Ø       

Ø       "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing
> >smile, "can I help you?"

Ø       

Ø      "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are
> >you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Ø       

Ø      The
> >old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 17, 2007, 03:34:48 PM
Q: Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?


A: Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment a week later.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 17, 2007, 03:47:03 PM
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but> losing his> >> shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and> blessed the> >> forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.>> >> Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. > Before the> >> next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with> interest the> >> old priest step onto the track.>> >> Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the> priest> >> made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.> >>> >>> >>> >> Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet> on the> >> horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the> priest> > had blessed won the race.>> >> Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which> horse the> >> priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a > horse.>> >> Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races> continued> >> the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up> coming> >> in first.>> >> Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last> race, he> >> knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick> dash to the> >> ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing> that would> >> tell him which horse to bet on.>> >> True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the> last race> >> and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot > >> of> the day.> >> Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves> of the old nag.>> >> Mitch knew he had a winner and bet cent he owned on the old nag. > He then> >> watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a> state of> >> shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.>> >> Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? > All day> >> long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,> the horse> >> you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost > every cent> >> of my savings - all of it!".>> >> The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said,> "that's the> >> problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference > >> between> a simple> >> blessing and last rites."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on October 18, 2007, 11:43:27 AM
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 18, 2007, 12:48:14 PM
6 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.   

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on October 19, 2007, 11:14:57 AM
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 22, 2007, 08:02:06 PM
Australian Love Poetry
==============

Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready there's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity but I know ya do ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now and I never tell ya lies
Cos I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch me another beer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 22, 2007, 09:30:42 PM
Subject: FW: FW: Aussie Radio quiz















Please read this all the way through !





This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.



Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.



The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.



The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask

if  they  are married or seriously involved with someone. If the

contestant  answers  "yes",  he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly

personal questions.



The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with

(phone

number)

for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions

correctly,  they both win the prize.



One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

drop  to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing

you've  heard  yet.



Anyway, here's how it all went down:



DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"



Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."



DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you  win.



What is your name? First only please."



Contestant: "Brian."



DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"



Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."



DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."



Brian: "Sara."



DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"



Brian: "She is gonna kill me."



DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"



Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."



DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"



Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."



DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."



Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."



DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"



Brian: "About 10 minutes."



DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said



that if a trip wasn't at stake."



Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."



DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?



Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."



DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"



Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for a  couple of weeks..."



DJ: "Uh huh..."



Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."



DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."



Brian: "On the kitchen table."



DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it.



Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and

call her up.



You listen to this."



[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]



DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch

tones.....ringing....)



Clerk: "Kinkos."



DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"



Clerk: "This is she."



DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now



and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."



Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"



DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to



give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the



rules of 'Mate Match'?"



Sarah: "No."



DJ: "Good!"



Brian: (laughing)



Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"



Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be



completely honest."



DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.



If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you  will be

off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.



Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."



DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"



Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."



DJ: "What time?"



Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."



DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"



Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."



DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his

manhood.



We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a

trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"



Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."



DJ: "Where did you have it?"



Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"



Brian: "Just tell him, honey."



DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"



Sarah: "Well..."



DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?



Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"



And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on October 22, 2007, 09:33:39 PM
That story is as auld as the hills Puckoon
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 22, 2007, 09:34:36 PM
Im obviously only a youngster :-\. Got it in an email today and found it pretty funny, old or not!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 22, 2007, 11:39:12 PM
Please read all the old stuff first, before posting a new one.

http://p098.ezboard.com/fgaadiscussionboardfrm11.showMessageRange?topicID=361.topic&start=1&stop=20 (http://p098.ezboard.com/fgaadiscussionboardfrm11.showMessageRange?topicID=361.topic&start=1&stop=20)

The funniest one here is some joker with a signature saying that Tyrone would retain Sam in 2006! (sorry Ziggy)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 23, 2007, 01:56:56 AM
Shut up! >:( lol
Title: Five Minute Management Course
Post by: stpauls on October 23, 2007, 04:02:56 PM
this has probably been posted before but found it very funny, and true!!

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE -                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson 1:                                                                 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."                                                                   
                                                                           
After  thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.     
                                                                           
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who  was that?"                   
                                                                           
"It was Bob the next door neighbour,"  she replies.                       
                                                                           
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"                                                                       
                                                                           
Moral of the story:                                                       
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.                                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson  2:                                                                 
A priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg . The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.               
                                                                           
The  nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.  But, changing gears, he let  his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"                     
                                                                           
The priest apologized "Sorry, sister,  but the flesh is weak."         
                                                                           
Arriving at  the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.     
                                                                           
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.     
                                                                           
It said, "Go  forth and  seek, further up you will find glory."           
                                                                           
Moral of the story:                                                       
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.                                                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson  3:                                                                 
A sales rep, an administration clerk,  and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.                                                                       
                                                                           
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."                     
                                                                           
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."                         
                                                                           
Puff! She's gone.                                                         
                                                                           
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I  want to be in Hawaii, relaxing  on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."                                     
                                                                           
Puff! He's gone.                                                           
                                                                           
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.                                                               
                                                                           
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."       
                                                                           
Moral of the story:                                                       
Always let your boss have the first  say.                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson 4                                                                   
An eagle was sitting on a tree, resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit  like you and do nothing?"   
                                                                           
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."                                       
                                                                           
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.               
                                                                           
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.         
                                                                           
Moral of  the story:                                                       
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson 5                                                                   
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."     
                                                                           
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."                                           
                                                                           
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough  strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating  some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth  night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.                                                                   
                                                                           
He was promptly spotted by a farmer,  who shot him out of the tree.       
                                                                           
Moral of the story:                                                       
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
Lesson  6                                                                 
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.                         
                                                                           
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.                           
                                                                           
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to  investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.                                         
                                                                           
Morals of the  story:                                                     
(1) Not  everyone who shits on you is your enemy.                                                             
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.                                                   
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!                                         
                                                                           
                                                                           
THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: EC Unique on October 24, 2007, 04:15:34 PM
Subject: slow down or stop
>>
>>
>> A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
>> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London
>> lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than
>> any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
>> the Garda's expense!!
>>
>> The Garda says," Licence and registration, please."
>>
>> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>>
>> Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
>> sign."
>>
>> Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>>
>> Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and
>> registration, please."
>>
>> Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>>
>> Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete
>> stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
>>
>> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow
>> down" and "stop", I'll give you my licence and registration and you give
>> me
>> the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
>> ticket."
>>
>> Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>>
>> The lawyer gets out of his car, whereupon the Guard takes out his baton
>> and starts beating the f*ck out of him with it.
>>
>> He then says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down, sir?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on October 24, 2007, 04:20:11 PM
posted before...  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 24, 2007, 04:21:26 PM
Quoteposted before...  Roll Eyes

twice before , I think
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 25, 2007, 12:12:49 AM
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on October 25, 2007, 10:45:18 AM
FAI recruiting methods


John Delaney sees an old woman crossing the road, struggling with two heavy shopping bags.

He shouts over "Can you manage, love?"

She replies "F**k off, I don't want the job!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 25, 2007, 12:16:16 PM
Subject: THE VIBRATOR!



AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE,  GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED  THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA  AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER,  AND STARING AT THE TV. THE  VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'  THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHIN RUGBY WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 25, 2007, 12:19:30 PM
It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do
however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been attached below so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f____ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to fit that into my schedule, although it's a bit full.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job f___ing sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources Department
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: downredblack on October 25, 2007, 12:25:11 PM
Did any of you horn dogs see the "Kerry Katona" Vid clip doing the rounds on the mobiles ? Is it her or not ? ( I didn't want to start a new thread for this )
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on October 25, 2007, 12:29:05 PM
Quote from: downredblack on October 25, 2007, 12:25:11 PM
Did any of you horn dogs see the "Kerry Katona" Vid clip doing the rounds on the mobiles ? Is it her or not ? ( I didn't want to start a new thread for this )


i assume that's the one where she is meant to be masturbating in the bathroom? i haven't seen it myself, but apparently it is not her!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 25, 2007, 12:29:15 PM
Never seen it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on October 25, 2007, 12:48:07 PM
Go onto www.totallyNSFW.com (and this is pure filth so its defo NSFW) on the right hand side there is a video top 5 link and kerry is 2nd down....
BTW a "friend" gave me this link... ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on October 25, 2007, 12:50:46 PM
Don't want to see it either  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on October 25, 2007, 12:54:53 PM
#It's on youtube as well but i dont want the link on my system
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 25, 2007, 12:55:28 PM
I could do without seeing it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on October 25, 2007, 01:00:53 PM
IMHO and after many, many viewings and analysis of the clip im convince that it is NOT her.... ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 26, 2007, 03:43:20 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 29, 2007, 03:13:59 PM
IRISH DRINKING RULE

Polishish guy drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Poland
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice"
A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says "In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need
to drink out of the same glass twice either."
An Irish girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Pole and
the Pakistani, catches the glass and says, "In Ireland we now have that
many Poles and Pakistanis that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 30, 2007, 02:46:52 PM
Subject: FW: Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies:
 
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over . .)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approx. 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of NEIL.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 30, 2007, 02:48:33 PM
I know this has been around b4 and it may already be on this thread. But just incase it's not:

Bobby Robson Quotes
"Eighteen months ago they [Sweden] were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like"

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?"
-On whether Paul Gascoigne should have gone to the 1998 World Cup.

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him"

"Sarajevo isn't Hawaii"

"The first 90 minutes are the most important"

"In a year's time, he's a year older"

"Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical"

"Anything from 1-0 to 2-0 would be a nice result"

"Home advantage gives you an advantage"

"The margin is very marginal"

"Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that"

"If you're a painter, you don't get rich until you're dead. The same happens with managers. You're never appreciated until you're gone, and then people say: 'Oh, he was OK'. Just like Picasso"

"What can I say about Peter Shilton? Peter Shilton is Peter Shilton, and he has been Peter Shilton since the year dot"

"Daft as a brush"
- On Paul Gascoigne.

"When he was dribbling, he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket"
- On Paul Gascoigne.

The little lad jumped like a salmon and tackled like a ferret"
- On Paul Parker at the at the 1990 World Cup.

"They can't be monks - we don't want them to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level"
- On Newcastle's disciplinary problems.

"If we invite any player up to the Quayside to see the girls and then up to our magnificent stadium, we will be able to persuade any player to sign"

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final"

"There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game that they lose"

"Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really"

"Hitler didn't tell us when he was going to send over those doodlebugs, did he?" - On why he was refusing to name his England team before a World Cup qualifer against Sweden in 1989"

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought"

"Look at those olive trees. They're two hundred years old - from before the time of Christ!"

"I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"

"Players never know why they are taken off or substituted - until they become managers"

"They're two points behind us, so we're neck and neck"

"I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence"

"Tottenham have impressed me: they haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun"

"If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won't lay any eggs in the basket"

"I would have given my right arm to be a pianist"

"I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about"

"Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good football"

We used to have Shaka Hislop on our books but I've never heard of Shakira. Is she a singer?"
- On learning that Shakira was staying in the same Barcelona hotel as his players in November.

"For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows"
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 30, 2007, 04:52:24 PM
This oul doll dies and goes up to heaven. She is met by St Peter at the pearly gates and he invites her in.

"Welcome to heaven Mrs Murphy", he says and begins to show her around. After a few minutes she hears a horrific scream from behind one of the clouds.

"What the hell was that?" she says to St Peter. 

"Oh", he says, "that's just another old lady who died before you getting holes punched in her back for her new wings."

A few minutes later she hears another blood curdling scream from behind another cloud.

"In the name of Jesus", Mrs Murphy says, "what was that???"

St Peter says, "Oh that's just another old woman who came up earlier getting holes punched in her head for a new halo".

"Christ", says Mrs Murphy, "I think I might be better off down in hell by the sound of things".

"Oh don't be doing that", says St Peter, "You'll only end up getting raped and sodomized down there."

Mrs Murphy replied, "Well at least I've got the fcukin holes for that!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Leg End on November 01, 2007, 06:57:13 PM
the pope needs the church in the vatican painted and is asking for quotes.

luckily paddy englishman paddy scotsman and paddy Irishman are all in the vatican that day...

Paddy Englishman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is he says £3000

The pope asks whats that for.  he says £1000 for me,,, £1000 for your charity,,, and £1000 for materials and labour
The pope says ok i'll wait for a few more quotes. but i'll keep u in mind

Paddy Scotsman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is ..........he says £6000

The pope asks whats that for.  he says £2000 for me,,, £2000 for your charity,,, and £2000 for materials and labour
The pope says ok i'll wait for a few more quotes. but i'll keep u in mind

Paddy Irishman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is .............he says £9000

The pope flabergasted by the amount asks whats that for.  he says £3000 for me,,, £3000 for your charity,,, and we can get that stupid english cnut to do it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on November 02, 2007, 02:12:54 AM
Jeffery dahmer tells his mother that hes bringing some friends over for dinner. The mum says:
"Jeffery, you know I dont like any of your friends"
Jeffery says:































"You can eat the vegetables then."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 05, 2007, 04:47:29 PM
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round &
firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how
many types of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's
like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like
a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on November 05, 2007, 06:51:01 PM
A hunter skipped mass on sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned a corner along the path he and a big grizzly bear collided. The hunter stumbled backwards and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally he crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the hunter cried out in desperation

"Please lord, I am sorry for what I have done, please forgive me and save me, Lord please make that bear a christian"

Suddenly the heavens parted and a heavenly light shone down upon the bear. The bear skidded to its knees at the feet of the fallen hunter and said:











"Bless us O Lord for these, thy gifts, which of thy bounty we are about to recieve..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on November 06, 2007, 11:46:28 AM
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is in the construction industry, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 07, 2007, 08:32:21 AM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems
even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. "When we eat
dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,

And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
That's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 07, 2007, 09:58:54 AM
NEVER TRY TO IMPRESS A STRANGER



Jabu grew up in Thembisa. Later he went to University where he became a

Lawyer.



But one day he came back to Thembisa. He wanted to start a law practice

in the place he had grown up (to give back to the community).





The 1st day in his brand-new offices he saw a man enter the place. He

desperately wanted to make a BIG impression on his 1st client so he

grabbed the office phone and started talking on it.....pretending

there's someone on the other end! ''



No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns that I won't settle this case

for anything less than a million''!



Jabulani barked into the phone.'' Yes. The Constitutional Court has

agreed to hear that case next week.

I'll be handling the big argument and the other members of my team will

provide support!''

'' OK...Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to

discuss the details''!



This call went on for about 5min!!!!! All the while, the man waited

patiently.



Eventually Jabulani, sure that he had given the impression that he was a

really BIG SHOT, slammed down the phone and said to the guy: ''I'm sorry

for the delay,  but as you Can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for

you?''



The man replied: " I'm from Telkom; I've come to connect your office

telephone line! "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 07, 2007, 02:26:22 PM
Prince Charles takes up jogging

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on November 08, 2007, 11:09:02 AM
>Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

>a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
>begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
>It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models.
>saw one I really liked."
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: " 60,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
> last
>year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
> 900,000."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
> MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are
> looking
>at him in astonishment.
>
>WAIT FOR IT ............................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 09, 2007, 05:12:05 PM
QuoteThe Scouser said to the doctor,

That's a Scouser who was part of a Belfast couple, right?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 09, 2007, 08:31:03 PM
There's a text doing the rounds saying Mrs Pavorotti is cleaning out the wardrobes and asking does anyone want Luciano's old suits !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on November 09, 2007, 09:38:51 PM
I dont get it ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 10, 2007, 01:54:49 AM
Me neither. Sure you told it right?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 10, 2007, 08:31:30 AM
Well it means who would want a suit that size !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on November 14, 2007, 04:34:03 PM
A threesome comprising a father, his son and his grandson went to the
country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a
beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She
explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf
had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could
join them. Naturally, they all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said,
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore.
If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or
do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But I enjoy playing golf and I consider my elf pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me
on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes
were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the
tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right
in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said,
"I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole
(she was closest to the pin.)
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said,
"It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."
She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out
of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the
fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys,
quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
had a difficult 12-foot putt on an undulating green. She turned to the three guys and said,
"I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment,
pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him
a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought!
He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said,
"Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little
hump and break right into the cup. "
His father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the
right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said,
"That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

MORAL: EXPERIENCE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 16, 2007, 12:51:57 PM
May have been on before, but worth repeating:

Attraction: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Dating: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Birth control: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

Easy: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Eye contact: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Friend: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaws which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

Indifference: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Irritating habit: when the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

Law of relativity: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

Nymphomaniac: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

Frigid: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than taking off her clothes.

Nag: a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Sober: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Love at 1st sight: what occurs when 2 extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 17, 2007, 10:08:13 AM
Anyone living around Tallaght will know or have heard of Paddy Drac who goes around cabaret venues with a coffin that he emerges from in a cloud of smoke dressed as Dracula.

Last year Paddy got a job in The Square doing Santa and he was there one day under pressure with gangs of kids around and you had to pay in to see him.  Anyway, a hardy little Dub went over to him and Paddy sat him up on his knee and started chatting to him.  Paddy said "Now, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas"  and the young lad said "Blades".

Paddy said " But you are too young to be shaving" and the young lad said.......

..........





...."No, Roller Blades ya fuckin eejit ya"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 18, 2007, 07:07:01 PM
This is an American joke.....



Q. Whats the hardest thing about roller-blading?

A. Having to tell your parents that you're gay.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 21, 2007, 04:42:49 PM
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.



This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).



If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.   Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 21, 2007, 04:43:29 PM
>> >>A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
>> >>and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or
>> >>legs. The
>>son
>> >>is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as

>> >>he can,
>> >
>> >>with love and compassion.
>> >>
>> >>After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
> takes
>> >>him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
>> >>orders
> up
>> >>the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
>>looking
>> >>on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
>> >>boy takes
>> >
>> >>his first sip of alcohol.
>> >>
>> >>Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
>> >>bursts into
>> >
>> >>whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
>> >>The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to
>> >>shake
> his
>> >>head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
>> >>
>> >>Two arms pop out.
>> >>
>> >>The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
> drink
>> >>again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another
drink!!'
> The
>> >>bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing
>> >>glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
scenes.
>> >>
>> >>By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
> down,
>> >>grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
>> >>pop
>>out.
>> >>The bar is in chaos.
>> >>
>> >>The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
>> >>stands
>>up
>> >>on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right

>> >>through
>> >
>> >>the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
>> >>kills
>>him
>> >>instantly The bar falls silent.
>> >>
>> >>The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
>> >>
>> >>*
>> >>
>> >>*
>> >>He should have quit while he was a head!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 22, 2007, 12:09:11 PM
Swearing - I'M STILL LAUGHING :)

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You   know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time
we   started swearing.'


The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,
then  you   swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old
what he wants for breakfast.


'Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the
kitchen   floor,   got up,and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern
voice,'And   what   do


  YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco
Pops'


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on November 22, 2007, 04:46:53 PM

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on November 23, 2007, 03:11:22 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so  she called a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she told  the
repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike.  He won't bother  you.

  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
  circumstances, talk to  my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY
PARROT!!!"

Just as Wanda said, the biggest, meanest looking
  bulldog he has ever seen just lay there on the carpet watching him work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts with his
  incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally
the repairman couldn't contain himself and yelled,
"Shut  up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on November 23, 2007, 04:12:15 PM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks,
"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand
and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English,
and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the
R20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says
the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't
have any feet. You can probably get me for R20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers R20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "Psssssssssssst," ! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know
if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the
mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the
postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her
all over," reported the parrot. ! "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 26, 2007, 04:35:22 PM
A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks."

"Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh", said the man. "Who's clock is that?"

"That was Mother Teresa's. The hands never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?". St. Peter responded "That's George Washington's clock. The hands only moved twice telling us that George only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.

"Bertie's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on November 26, 2007, 08:51:56 PM
George W Bush doing Sunday Bloody Sunday- brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNRabQxLH98
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 27, 2007, 03:11:08 PM
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

we are going to make love all night.

" The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Leg End on November 27, 2007, 05:21:59 PM
Quote from: heganboy on November 26, 2007, 08:51:56 PM
George W Bush doing Sunday Bloody Sunday- brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNRabQxLH98

superb :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 29, 2007, 09:36:06 AM
Quiz Answers - ouch.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 30, 2007, 10:57:14 AM
P E A N U T S
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 30, 2007, 04:24:03 PM
I'm not positive but it might be a sin if you laugh at this one.
( It is funny though.)
 
Subject: Nothin' beats a good day shoppin'!
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping  trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caretaker!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on December 01, 2007, 08:23:19 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 04, 2007, 02:04:56 PM
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 04, 2007, 03:44:41 PM
BOUGHT A TEDDY BEAR THIS MORNING FOR £10, CALLED IT "MOHAMAD". JUST SOLD THERE FOR £20. IS THAT A PROPHET???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 04, 2007, 03:47:01 PM
THE LATEST CHRISTMAS TOY HAS JUST HIT THE SHOPS - "A TALKING MUSLIM DOLL"
NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT IT SAYS YET BECAUSE NO-ONE HAS THE BALLS TO PULL THE CORD
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on December 04, 2007, 08:09:32 PM
QuoteKate McCann has been appointed the new England manager.
The F.A. were impressed at her record for only loosing one in Europe

Five times you have loss all respect. Thought more of you.  ??? ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on December 05, 2007, 11:22:39 AM
Self righteous comedy police starting out again I see.

High. Horse. Off. Now. Please.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 05, 2007, 02:07:55 PM
Men Are Just Happier People
 
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 05, 2007, 03:14:28 PM
    A City cop was on his horse waiting to
    cross the street when a littlegirl on her
    new shinybike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the
girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop
said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflectorlight on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it
to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath
the horse, not on top."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: OdoSkimodo on December 05, 2007, 04:23:13 PM
http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/ (http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on December 09, 2007, 02:37:35 PM
Quote from: OdoSkimodo on December 05, 2007, 04:23:13 PM
http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/ (http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/)
class
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 13, 2007, 12:13:02 PM
> Small world!
>
>
> A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and
> ordered a glass of champagne.
>
> The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
> of champagne, too!"
>
> "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,
> I'm celebrating."
> "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!"
> says the woman.
>
> "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
> asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
> gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
> "What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for
> years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
> fertilized eggs."
>
> "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
> fertile?"
> "I used a different c**k," he replied.
> The woman smiled and said,
>
> "What a coincidence..."
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 13, 2007, 03:32:00 PM
Whilst I agree about the teacher in Sudan getting 15 days for calling the teddy bear Mohammed...I thought it was a bit f**king harsh deporting her to Liverpool. ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on December 14, 2007, 02:52:35 PM
After the uproar in the sudan about "mohammed the bear" , sooty has cancelled his planned tour of Jamaica !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on December 14, 2007, 02:57:36 PM
I went out with a girl last week & she told me she wanted to be treated like a Princess
So I put her in the back of a Mercedes & drove it into a wall
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 14, 2007, 03:10:33 PM
Jokester: Hey, did you hear that chick from "Walk the Line" stabbed her husband?


Victim: With a knife?


Jokester: No, Withherspoon!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 14, 2007, 03:21:57 PM
Last month,  The University of Ulster Jordanstown scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a  concerned look at there beer consumption. The theory is since hops contains phytoestrogens, beer therefore contains female hormones, and by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pts of beer eachwithin a  one hr period. It was then 100 per cent of the test subjects:

1)  argued over nothing
2)  refused to apologise when obviously wrong
3)  Gained weight
4)  Talked excessively without making sense
5)  Became overly emotional
6)  couldn't drive
7)  Failed to think rationally
8)  Had to sit down while urinating
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cville on December 14, 2007, 04:24:06 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on December 14, 2007, 03:10:33 PM
Jokester: Hey, did you hear that chick from "Walk the Line" stabbed her husband?


Victim: With a knife?


Jokester: No, Withherspoon!
That joke went out of fashion with square penises.. ie 1986 .. I hear Bruno's fighting for a world title ... Witherspoon? ... no with gloves....Dah Daaaaa! 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 14, 2007, 04:28:26 PM
Was square penises ever in fashion?  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: guy crouchback on December 18, 2007, 05:19:03 PM
Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
D'oh!
Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

Save me, Jeebus!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2007, 02:11:39 PM
I know some of these are repeated but there you go!!

X-RATED RIDDLES


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

===============================================

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

=============================================

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


============================================

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

=============================================

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

================================================

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

=============================================

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

===========================================

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

===========================================

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

=============================================

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

===========================================

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

=============================================

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

=============================================

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

===========================================

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


===========================================

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

==========================================

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

============================================

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

=============================================

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

============================================

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


============================================

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: shotstopper1 on December 19, 2007, 02:43:11 PM
eacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have
a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have
Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy!'
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country
can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking
round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy *
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,
me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick Pearse,
GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on December 20, 2007, 02:17:58 AM
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse darling."

Little Tony said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily

"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on December 27, 2007, 05:48:04 AM
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office> wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United> > States when his telephone rang.> > "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy> down> at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you> that> we are officially declaring war on you!"> > "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How> big> is your army?"> > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is> myself,> me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team> from> the pub. That makes eight!"> > Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred> thousand> men in my army waiting to move on my command."> > "Begorra! !"said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"> > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is> > still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"> > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.> "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."> > Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000> tanks> and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to> one> hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."> > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."> > Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is> still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified> Jackie> McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and> four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"> > Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must> tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My> military> complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.> And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred> thousand!"> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."> > Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',> Mr.> > Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."> > "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of> heart?"> > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,> and decided there's no friggin' way we can feed two hundred thousand> prisoners.">
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 27, 2007, 01:06:39 PM
A reporter once asked Mrs Chirac what she liked about her husband the most and she replied "He brings me a penis"

"What!!!!" cried the reporter.

Mrs Chirac repeated "He brings me 'appiness"
Title: A Couple of Funny ones....
Post by: 5 Sams on December 31, 2007, 12:15:14 PM
...from Overheard in Dublin.


Galtee or Denny?

I heard a girl on the dart say that she saw a lad in college . To quote " Jayzis. He was a ride! Me rashers were Drippin!" . I'll leave it to your imagination to decide what this classy young lady was talking about.

LUAS

I was at a christmass party recently and the Clown / Juggler started asking the kids questions.

Clown: "Does anyone here know what the LUAS is?"
Kid: "Its a train"
Clown: "And does anyone know what LUAS means?"
Kid: "Yes its like sometimes you LUAS things and sometimes you find them"


The concerned thief

I was awoken about 4.30am the other week by the sound of someone trying to break the lock on my side gate to steal my moped which was in the rear garden. Rather than corner the bloke I went around the front of the house and shouted at him as loud as I could "what the F#ck do you think your doing?" the look on his face was priceless but he then climbed over the wall in to my neighbours garden and I continued shouting after him, at which point he stopped, turned around and said
"will ya shut da f#ck up yer gona wake everyone up"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on January 04, 2008, 11:21:47 AM


For mums you have mothers day.

For dads you have fathers day

For me, I have palm sunday
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lynchbhoy on January 04, 2008, 02:37:54 PM
An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking from a stream.

He yells over to him ''Na ol an t-uisce, ta se lan de chac bo''

The man answers ''I'm English I don't understand Gaelic, speak English''

The Irishman replies, ''Use both hands, you'll get more in!''
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 10, 2008, 03:08:41 PM
> >Peter Kay One Liners
> >
> >
> >1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> >'Thyroid problem?'
> >
> >2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> >realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
> >him to forgive me.
> >
> >3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
> >go swimming.
> >
> >4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
> >get on with my real ladder.
> >
> >5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
> >ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> >6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> >Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> >
> >7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> >But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
> >break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From
> >there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> >8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> >why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> >9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
> >better have a good hand.
> >
> >10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> >said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> >
> >11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
>
> >meat?
> >
> >12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
>
> >give the wrong answers.
> >
> >13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
> >
> >14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
> >things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> >
> >15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> >
> >16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
> >I've forgotten this before
> >
> >PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> >
> >1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> >2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> >3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
>
> >pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> >
> >4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> >
> >5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
> >a fire in your back garden.
> >
> >6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> >7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> >8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> >
> >9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
> >the first given opportunity.
> >
> >10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> >through and then raced against the flush.
> >
> >11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> >12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> >
> >13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> >
> >14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> >
> >15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> >their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> >16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> >wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> >17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
> >in a fruit salad.
> >
> >SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> >
> >1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> >
> >2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> >the core of the earth?
> >
> >3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> >4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> >
> >5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
>
> >stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> >
> >6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> >
> >7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> >
> >8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> >centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> >
> >9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> >horrible crisp no one would eat?
> >
> >10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> >
> >11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> >squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> >
> >12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> >
> >13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> >don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> >
> >14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> >
> >15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> >
> >16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> >
> >17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> >vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> >
> >18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
>
> >stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
> >wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: red hander on January 10, 2008, 03:36:51 PM
What was the first thing Tony Blair said when he became a Catholic?

"We'll have to get rid of that useless ballix Strachan!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on January 11, 2008, 09:18:06 PM
After a long love making session, a guy and a girl are laying together.
The girl is playing with the guy's penis for a long time. He asks if she wants more sex.
She says that she is admiring his penis. He asks,"Do you like it?"
She says, "No...I just miss mine....."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 14, 2008, 10:50:18 AM
2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.
These are the helpless Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of plexiglass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from. "

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.   


In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on January 14, 2008, 04:26:20 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ******* bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any ******* bread, ask me again and I'll nail your ******* beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a ******* bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?





Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Croí na hÉireann on January 14, 2008, 05:11:04 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/construction_worker_still_hasnt (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/construction_worker_still_hasnt)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 14, 2008, 05:14:03 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome,
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying
on
his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,"
I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed
me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're
about
to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with
the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son
holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be
so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And
then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . I'm picturing
you
pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air
to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going
to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on January 16, 2008, 11:02:27 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,  sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said,  "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on January 16, 2008, 12:44:37 PM
They may be old but there's still a few you can laugh at, so here's a few good Chauvinist jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

>

> Marry It!

>
>

>

> What should you give a woman who has everything?

>

> A man to show her how to work it.

>

>

> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

>

> Put a nipple on it.



>

> Why do women fake orgasms ?

>

> Because they think men care.

>

>

> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

>

> Nothing, she's been told twice already.

>

>

> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

>

> Made her chain too long

>

>

>

> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

>

> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

>

> never be able to support you.

>

>

> Why do women have smaller feet than men?

>

> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand

> closer

>

> to the kitchen sink.

>

>

> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

>

> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

>

>

> How do you fix a woman's watch?

>

> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

>

>

> Why do men pass gas more than women?

>

> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

>

> pressure.

>

>

> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

> the

>

> front door, who do you let in first?

>

> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

>

>

> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

>

> A woman who won't do what she's told

>

>

>

> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive

> by

>

> 90%.

>

> It's called a Wedding Cake.

>

>

> Why do men die before their wives?

>

> They want to.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 16, 2008, 04:43:44 PM
I got most of these before only with "Little Johnny" as the title but they're still funny


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
 
  A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   
   
 
  She calls on little Ralphy.
  He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot.'
 
  The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
 
  Then little RALPHY say s, 'I have a question for YOU.
 
  There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 
  One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
  The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
   
  The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
  Which one is married?'
 
  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
 
  To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
   

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
  Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
 
  'Why?' asks the father?
 
  'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies
RALPHY.
 
  'But that's right!' says his dad.
 
  'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
 
  'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
 
  'That's what I said!'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
   
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?'
 
  RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
 
  Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a
mouthful.'
 
  Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob.'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
  All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
  He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
 
  Th e teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word
to use in this situation.
  The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
  Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I
will allow you to go.'
 
  Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an
eight, but if
  you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
   
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.
 
  First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it.'
 
  'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
 
  'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.'
 
  She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little RALPHY........
 
  'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
   
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
   
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.
  After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
 
  Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old.'
 
  The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?'
  Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f.......
business.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2008, 10:17:43 AM
A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f...ing white man to be called Winston!"


I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2 - 3 pounds including the urn.


What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?


I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
I got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......


A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourette's syndrome! Now f..k off you c..t!"



A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says..

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F...ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"



I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2008, 10:21:09 AM
Women's version:

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programmes such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

-----------------

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

---------------------------------

Men's version:

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and GirlFriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSxPlus and Cleanhouse 2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. Then they resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning launch TurboStrop and Multi-Winge. These latter products have no Help Files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all your Money before uninstalling itself!!!!!





Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2008, 04:30:02 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces
of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."

On e week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pietas on January 17, 2008, 04:45:33 PM
A elderly man goes into a bar and orders four pints and four whiskey chasers
The barman puts the drinks in front of him and he sinks them, one after another, in seconds.
The barman says: 'Crikey! I have never seen someone drink so fast before.'
Elderly man says: 'You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have.'
'What have you got?' says the barman.
'A tenner' says the elderly man.

My wife is divorcing men on the grounds of casual appearance.
I haven't been home for five years.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2008, 05:23:43 PM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours". The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours". The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said,"About an hour and half.".
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill, tears in his eyes, said, "Your house."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 18, 2008, 12:13:42 PM
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE OF 2007...


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who
interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 21, 2008, 02:07:53 PM
Only in Ireland !!!!


Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it
is today!


A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been
£0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being
dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do
to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number
1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on January 24, 2008, 09:49:35 AM
Did you hear Heath Ledger died from a drug overdose. Turns out he got addicted to crack whilst shooting Brokeback Mountain.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 24, 2008, 04:01:12 PM
          Life in a Mental Hospital
                                 
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie - what are you doing?"  Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."   "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.  Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 24, 2008, 04:03:31 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.   

Well,  for example, the other day my wife and I  went to Taunton  and went into a shop. We were only in there  for about  5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a  parking ticket. We went up to   him and said, 'Come on man, how  about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued  writing  the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and  started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.


So my  wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put  it on  the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This  went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the  more tickets he  wrote.

Personally, we  didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our  age. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: john mcgill on January 24, 2008, 06:20:21 PM
Update on Cinderella

 
     
 
 




Cinderella  is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead  prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by  from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One  sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy  godmother.







Cinderella  said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these  years"? 

The  fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life  since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still  yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some  thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first  wish:



"The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to  mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond  comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The  fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you  want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail  body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I  once had."


At once,  her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for  years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have  one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella  looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you  to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his  biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so  beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 


The  fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new  life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the  fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few  eerie moments,

Bob and  Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella  sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she  had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat  transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young  muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with  his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you  cut my nuts off"












 
 






 







 









Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on January 24, 2008, 09:00:27 PM
Dear, Dad
>
> father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
>
> Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>
> "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
>
> But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>
> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
>
> Love, your son, John.
>
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!
>
> Call when it is safe for me to come home
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2008, 12:43:17 PM
LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM.  DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?"  DAD
LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"
BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on January 29, 2008, 03:27:21 PM
Kevin Keegan confirms the appointment of Dennis Wise...

(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39920000/jpg/_39920133_krankies203.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 29, 2008, 03:29:53 PM
No it doesn't screenexile....  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on January 31, 2008, 02:18:21 AM
Man comes in from pub, goes up stairs and leaves the mobile phone on the hall table. Wife reads messages and one says " Sam tommorrow, 2pm" so she confronts him and asks who is Sam.  "Oh its a tip for a horse I got for today" he says and when he comes home the next evening she says howya and then "Whap" a big box in the jaw.  And he says, "what the f**k was that for" and she say's "Yer f**king horse rang today."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: I SHOT JR on February 01, 2008, 11:11:18 AM
A man walks in to Superdrug and asks, "Have any K.Y. Jelly?"
The shop assistant replies, "No, have you tried Boots?"
The man says, "I want to slide in, not fuckin march in"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on February 02, 2008, 07:57:32 AM
Apparently Jeremy Beadle requested that he be cremated and scattered in his back garden with compost, rumours suggest he could come back as early as spring, in "Watch out Beadle's a sprout"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 05, 2008, 10:18:35 AM
SAY THAT AGAIN!!!


In a Bangkok temple:
'IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.'

Cocktail lounge , Norway:
  'LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.'

Doctor's office, Rome:
'SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.'

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
'DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.'

In a Nairobi restaurant:
   'CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.'

On a poster in Kenya:
'ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.'

On an Athi River highway (this is the main road to Mombasa) leaving Nairobi
.
'TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.'

In a City restaurant :
'OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.'

A notice seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
'DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.'

   In a cemetery:
'PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN  GRAVES.'

A Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
'GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.'

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
'OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.'

In a Tokyo bar:
  'SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.'

Hotel, Yugoslavia :
'THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THe
CHAMBERMAID.'

Hotel, Japan :
'YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.'

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
'YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.'

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  'IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ON  UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.'

Hotel, Zurich:
'BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.'

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
   'WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?'

  On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:    'GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.'

In a Swiss mountain inn:
'SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.'

  Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
    'WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.'

A laundry in Rome:
    'LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 07, 2008, 04:28:00 PM
 

  HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
   
   
    Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place.
   
    Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so
what's the loss?
   
    The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
   
    Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good
that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick
back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
   
    Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.
   
    This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right
-- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
   
    Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
   
    Sincerely,

     

    Bill Clinton

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 08, 2008, 02:09:10 PM
WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part........... :













"Only when he's been drinking."





Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Zapatista on February 09, 2008, 08:44:24 AM
Field to let for Summer 2008.

Suitable for hay or silage.

Contact Frank Murphy @ Pairc ui caoimh.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: boston on February 09, 2008, 02:43:30 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion  that their ancestors already had a telephone network more that 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly there after, headlines in the English newspapers read:



'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper  wire and have considered that their ancestors already had an advanced high- tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."





One week later, 'The Kerryman' a southwest Irish newsletter reported the following: ' After digging as deep as 30 meters in the peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaelogist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 09, 2008, 05:13:59 PM
The jokes are repeating after only 2 pages now. Some new ones please.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: whyarerefssobad on February 09, 2008, 07:14:37 PM
went to the doctor the other day he asked my name i said john mickey smith he said i will just call you john smith i said dont take the mickey out off my name ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on February 09, 2008, 07:46:25 PM
After watching Loose Women the previous day, Johnny goes up to his mother and asks

"Mammy, why do all girls wear white when they get married"

Mammy thinks a little and tells Johnny

"Because its to signify that they are pure and clean, like the snow Johnny"

So off Johnny marches into the oul fella and says

"Da, mammy says that all girls wear white on their wedding day because it represents that they are pure and clean"

"Don't be silly Johnny" says Da "All kitchen appliances are white"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 11, 2008, 03:30:07 PM
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks

at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,

'Is your date runninglate?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch.

I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to

talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken

because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's

running about an hour fast'.......' Can I buy you a drink?  '
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 11, 2008, 04:30:16 PM
The same guy returns to the pub the next day.

While sitting drinking at the bar he turns to the woman beside him and says "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman is completely disgusted.  "No, you certainly can not!" she replies.

"Well it must be your feet then" says the man.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on February 12, 2008, 02:40:18 PM
Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to her that she had won 5 Grammys and not 5 Grams.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 14, 2008, 10:41:43 AM
Pick up lines that you don't want to hear
-------------------------------------------------

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out?

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 15, 2008, 11:27:23 AM
A fly was having a nice meal while resting on some dog poo.

Suddenly there was a buzzing sound & another fly landed next to him.

"Hey man, haven't seen you around for a while", said the first fly.

The other fly replied "No I've been on the sick"...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on February 15, 2008, 04:19:36 PM
Just pulled this one off the Princess Anne thread on GAA section, I still have tears in my eyes - thank you Hardy.



Years ago the horsey-lookin Anne lassie used to do a bit of horse racing. One day she won a race somewhere. The next day

somehow it came up in school and the teacher said " .. and Princess Anne won a race yesterday at Plumpton". One of the lads

at the back responded, "who was the jockey?".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on February 19, 2008, 09:24:03 AM
Don't know if this one has been on before:


                The International Council of Man Laws
               
                1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
               
                2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
                (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
                (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
                (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
                (d) When she is using her teeth.
               
                3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
                eaten by his friends.
               
                4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
                limits forever unless you actually marry her.
               
                5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
                However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
               
                6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
                man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
                optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
                birthday boy's choice.
               
                7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
                weakest.
               
                8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
                ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
                playing.
               
                9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
                climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
                flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
                officially your girlfriend.
               
                10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
                sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
                and only when it's free.
               
                11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
                kick another guy in the nuts.
               
                12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
               
                13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
               
                14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
               
                15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
                until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
                much as the other sports watchers.
               
                16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
                remain sober enough to fight.
               
                17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
                pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
               
                18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
                about his choice of beer.
               
                19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
                except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
               
                20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
                i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
                situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
                need.
               
                21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
                than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
                Hang up if necessary.
               
                22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
                have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
                guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
                discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
               
                23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
                her to drive yours.
               
                24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
                orange or sky blue.
               
                25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
                Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox
                360 End of story.
               
                26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
                Gymnastics. Ever.
               
                27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
                know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
                definition of each is listed below:
               
                "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
                assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
                you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
               
                "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
                perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on
                the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
               
               
                I hope this clears up any confusion,
               
                The International Council of Man Laws

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Red Sky on February 19, 2008, 09:25:38 AM
Tommy Cooper Jokes!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Red Sky on February 19, 2008, 09:26:59 AM
Mad Ethel



Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishedaround in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 19, 2008, 10:08:39 AM
Tommy Cooper again:

A blind man walks into a shop, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs and starts swinging it around over his head. The shop assistant says, "Can I help you, sir".
- "No thanks - just looking around".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 20, 2008, 10:49:03 AM
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay
she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider
you, are
you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again, the old man smiled,"Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed???"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the
doorbell didn't I?".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 20, 2008, 03:47:00 PM
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on
a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and
the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or
in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it
myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a w**ker.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 02:26:35 PM
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.


"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.



Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm off for the weekend so I really don't need the paperwork.  If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."



The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,



"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 02:32:12 PM
for those who take life way too seriously


1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like......night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand please....

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a really hot curry. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 02:34:03 PM
Michael O Muircheortaigh Quotes


Saw these and thought I'd share them, utter genius!

"... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, i'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which,the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... he had both...so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."

Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language".

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae."

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"

"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and
hasn't he done well"

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the
40......he's on the 30..........................he's on the ground"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half
they played with the ball".

"He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've
been a point.............it went wide."

"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of
12......all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce...."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog
from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well"

"Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's
from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"

"Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 02:39:17 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartend er and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is fille d with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Title: Courtesy of Bluebeard on Reservoir Dubs
Post by: 5 Sams on February 21, 2008, 02:41:22 PM
A man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. 'Excuse me,' he said.
I can't seem to find my wife. May I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the man, said, 'Sure, sir, do
you know where your wife might be?'

I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
she appears out of nowhere.'


:D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on February 21, 2008, 04:07:50 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 04:52:36 PM
Subject: Good Husband


 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at

him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little

hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your

favorite dinner tonight.I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot

coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,

and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so

clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried

to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £155.99
Hot Breakfast £4..20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2008, 04:57:55 PM
> A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any
> sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her
> so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
> therapist, Dr. Chang.
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
> crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery
> fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>
> Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she
> did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
> Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
>
> The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
> Disease?"
>
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease" is when your face
> look Ed Zachary like your ass.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 26, 2008, 02:12:15 PM
 Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on February 26, 2008, 02:20:48 PM
gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and is now somewhere where all the crazed people go and there is no hope for

"its great to have him back" said Keegan !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: feetofflames on February 27, 2008, 11:52:45 AM
What have fat women and mopeds got in common?  They are both fun to ride untill your mates find out!
Why is the space between a womens hip and breast called a waist? because you could easily place another pair of tits in there!
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good.  Add a nipple!
Why do women fart less than men?  Women cant shut up to build up the required pressure!
Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a bird? Any bird who cant afford a washing machine would hardly be able to look after you.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 27, 2008, 03:50:34 PM
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 27, 2008, 03:51:21 PM
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Patel about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Patel advised her, 'Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, 'By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Patel's?'
'Why, yes I am... How did you know?'

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 27, 2008, 03:51:40 PM
A man walks into a chemist with his 13-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these things, Dad?"

To which the father, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks," Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for the college boys. One is for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He then notices a 6 pack of condoms and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for post-grad single men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy excitedly, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, while picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, and a tear in his eye, the dad answers,

"Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..................................."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 27, 2008, 03:52:00 PM
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 29, 2008, 09:42:30 AM
Subject: Never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following: A litre of milk A carton of eggs A carton of orange juice A 250 gram package of bacon A head of lettuce A 1 kilo can of coffee As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued By the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at The Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DirtyDozen12 on February 29, 2008, 03:10:19 PM
12 of the finest (unintentional)  double-entendres ever aired on TV/ radio


1. Pat Glenn, weight-lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava  from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the

Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife

takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 03, 2008, 10:23:04 AM
Quality!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>   RESPECT to Samuel L. Jackson. The screen legend was recently
>>>   Interviewed by Kate Thornton on British T.V. about working with
>>>Colin
>>>   Farrell in
>>>   S.W.A.T. when the following conversation took place:
>>>
>>>   Kate: What's it like working with Colin, 'cos he is just so hot
in
>>>   the U.K. right now.
>>>
>>>   Samuel: He's pretty hot in the U.S. too
>>>
>>>   Kate: Yea! but he's one of our own!
>>>
>>>   Samuel: Isn't he from Ireland
>>>
>>>   Kate: Yeah, but we claim him 'cos Ireland is beside us.
>>>
>>>   Samuel: You see that's your problem right there. You British
keep
>>>   claiming people that don't belong to you. We had that problem in
>>>   America too - it was called slavery.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 03, 2008, 12:41:57 PM
MORNING SEX:



She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in.. She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'


His eyes lit up and he thought,' This is my lucky day.'  Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all....right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove..  More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'


She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2008, 11:43:10 AM
NOT SURE IF THIS HAS BEEN ON B4 (Sorry if it has)


The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the  bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his  head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to  drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
 
 
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!  Plop!! Two arms pop out.

   
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son  to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
 
   
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
 
   
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on  his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
 
 
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*
 
*
 
*

*


(Wait for it)

*
 
*
 
*
 
*
 
(It's coming)

*
 
*
 
*

*
 
(Ya ready?)

*
 
*
 
*
 
*
 
(Don't hate me)

*
 
*
 
*
 
*

  (Ya gonna hate me)

*
 
*

*

*


(Take a deep breath)

*
 
*
 
*
 
*


'He should've quit while he was a head!'


 
 



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2008, 12:30:39 PM
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him
"Have you been in the armed services?"
Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks


"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours
are
from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM
."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM . to 4:00 PM
why
do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point
in
you coming in for that........"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2008, 05:02:17 PM
Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!



Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 06, 2008, 12:31:34 PM
A Sweet Story.

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.  She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.  On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.  He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.   "I'm the one with the nuts!" he thought.

Then he touched her Milky Way.  They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.  Mr Cadbury turned out the lights for a bit of Black Magic.  It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.  He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.  He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.  It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.  She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.  He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.  Sadly 3 days later, his Magnum lolly started to drip.  It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on March 06, 2008, 03:42:45 PM
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone 

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A.  Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q  Where does an Irish family go on vacation
A     A different bar.

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong.

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A  A speech impediment.

Q.   What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A.  They're hiring.

Q  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A  Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q.  W hat do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A.  A pimp.

Q.  Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A  The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q  How do you get a sweet little 80- year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.  A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y' all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q  Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A  Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on March 06, 2008, 05:17:39 PM
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking

buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a

Band-Aid, as best he could, on each place he saw blood. He then hid
the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to
bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but

mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'

Boom Boom! :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 07, 2008, 02:34:57 PM
The gay test

Self Examination


1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. They don't have enough memory to remember all of that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports team's players, and the names of porn stars. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are fond of a bit of bum fun.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer

8. If you have a girl's name, or a name that could be mistaken for a girl's name, like Kelly, Pat, Chris or Terry, then you probably like to play the pink piccolo.

9. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you definitely drop anchor in poo bay
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on March 08, 2008, 09:51:22 PM
It's good news and bad news about Maggie Thatcher...

The good news is that Maggie is coming out of hospital.

The bad news is that she's not in a box.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 10, 2008, 03:49:46 PM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 10, 2008, 05:12:52 PM
QuotePrince Charles decided to take up jogging.

I think Ziggy already posted that one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2008, 10:47:24 AM
A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."


The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 12, 2008, 02:48:55 PM
New Words f or 2008

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( shit ).

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls - Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a ' McShit with Lies '.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 110kilo hippo in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 14, 2008, 11:07:25 AM
Hope this has not been posted b4


White House Breakfast !!


Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,

"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting
to act like President Clinton." and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers....

"It's pronounced 'quiche'."


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 14, 2008, 02:10:05 PM
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'









'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'









'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.


Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they
started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'







'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 18, 2008, 03:58:42 PM
It's not what you say its the way that you say it............
Council Complaints. (Council housing in the UK is assisted or low-rent housing for the not-so-rich folks)

To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path?  My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c**k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp.  We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 19, 2008, 12:28:07 AM
One thing about the "yuku" emails about the old board is that you can see the old Corny One for a Friday thread

http://gaa96383.yuku.com/topic/923


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on March 19, 2008, 12:13:34 PM
Advance apologies to those that are easily offended.......



After success in the Junior UK Hide n' Seek chamionships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European chamion Madeleine McCann.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 20, 2008, 04:19:35 PM
Subject: Know who your friends are



Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 21, 2008, 11:22:50 AM
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a
football   match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a
ticket and   watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.

'How are the   three of you going to travel on only one ticket?', asks
one of  the English.   
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the Irish. They all board the train.

The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a
toilet and close the door behind them. 
Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect
the tickets.   
He knocks on the toilet door and   says, 'Ticket please.' The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. 
The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they
decide to copy the Irish   (like always!) on the return trip and save
some money.   When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip... 
To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed English.

'Watch and learn...'   says one Paddy. 
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after
the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. 
Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to
the toilet where the English are hiding. 
He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please...'   
SWEET
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2008, 10:38:55 AM
Making a baby. This is hilarious!


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on March 28, 2008, 11:14:05 AM
What's the difference between Heather Mills and Northern Rock?


One has £25 million, is on its last legs and f_cks old people for their savings.

The other is a Building Society.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ringo Starr says to paul Mccartney "do you think you will ever go down on one knee again paul"


Paul Replies -" we are divorced now and i would prefer it if you called her Heather".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on April 01, 2008, 12:18:31 AM
Lucky that family left their home in Farnborough for the weekend before the plane crashed into it.

But its a shame they left the landing-lights on
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on April 02, 2008, 10:11:05 AM
thought i set a new lovemaking record of 61 minutes on saturday night past - then the wife informed me the clocks went forward :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on April 02, 2008, 03:30:47 PM
Two cops on patrol by a beach see a woman approaching people, mostly youths with ghetto-blasters, and she appears to be exchanging small packages for money. They suspect that she is dealing drugs, so they set up an undercover operation. The younger of the cops gets a radio and sunbathes on the beach.

The woman finally approaches him, and offers a deal. He returns to the second cop, who asks why he didn't arrest her. And the first cop says, 'She wasn't selling drugs. She was selling batteries.' And the second cop says, 'You mean, batteries for your radio?' And the first cop says, 'Yes. She sells C cells on the sea shore.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on April 02, 2008, 08:50:40 PM
Quote from: offtheground on March 19, 2008, 12:13:34 PM
Advance apologies to those that are easily offended.......



After success in the Junior UK Hide n' Seek chamionships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European chamion Madeleine McCann.

undefeated world champion osama bin laden  :D :D :D ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 07, 2008, 02:10:15 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole when
> a stranger carrying a new golf bag called out to them,
>
>
> "Hey! Do you guys mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
>
>
> "Sure," they said, "come on." They started playing. They enjoyed
> the game, the day, and the company of the newcomer.
>
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the stranger,
> "What do you do for a living?"
>
>
> "I'm an assassin," was the tearse reply.
>
>
> "You're joking!" was their shocked response.
>
>
> "No, I'm not," he said. He reached into his golf bag and pulled
> out a magnificent H & K sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
> "Here one of my tools."
>
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
> I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
>
> He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
> direction of his house.
>
>
> "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
> can see right in the window. Wow... I can see my wife in our
> bedroom... and.... she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my next door
> neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too!"
>
>
> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
>
> "For you, given the circumstances, I'll give you a flat rate. A
> thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."
>
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
>
> "First, shoot my wife. She's always been a big mouth, so shoot her
> in the mouth."
>
>
> "Then shoot my neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
> dick off. Teach him a lesson."
>
>
> The hit man took the rifle and aimed, standing perfectly still for
> several minutes.
>
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer, impatiently.
>
>
> "Just take it easy," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
> you a grand here..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 08, 2008, 08:54:42 AM
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.
    The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa.
    I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your
stay in the Tampa Bay
    area".

    He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.
    The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're in Tampa?"

    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
    take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
    the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her,
    take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony
    all night long."



    Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
    immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to
    figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

    Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
    plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
    cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she
    trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


    The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
    gotta land the plane and take a shit first.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 08, 2008, 12:15:13 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his hole.




Sorry, it's terrible.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 08, 2008, 02:39:38 PM
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 08, 2008, 03:33:35 PM
Rangers have been that lucky this year it wouldn't surprise me if they came back
from Portugal this week with Madeline McCann
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Star Spangler on April 08, 2008, 04:21:26 PM
You've got some shit jokes!  You're funnier on the Queen's thread!!  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 08, 2008, 04:58:44 PM
Quote from: Star Spangler on April 08, 2008, 04:21:26 PM
You've got some shit jokes!  You're funnier on the Queen's thread!!  :D

There's no call for that Spangler ;) Some of them are pretty shit but some people like them. Thats the first time on the board i've had the Mod after me :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 14, 2008, 10:39:14 AM
Lads i know this is as old as tea and the jokes are not getting any better but it is Monday morning...

Super Sex

Superman was feeling bored after a long
streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party.
            
            
            
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go
to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to
look after him.
            
            
A little disappointed, Superman called
Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date
with Cat Woman.
            
            
As a last resort, Superman flew over to
Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her
balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
            
            
Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster
than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again
before she knew what was happening."
            
            
So Superman did his super thing in a split
second and flew off happily.
            
            
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said "Did you hear something?"
            
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass sure hurts like hell!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 16, 2008, 12:15:00 PM
Little Johnnie

          

               

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
               
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
               
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word
ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he
understood completely.
               
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
               
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
               
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on April 18, 2008, 01:42:38 PM
The Things Men do for GAA !!


A man had great tickets for the All Ireland final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.'No,'he says. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible!' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the All Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?'
He says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All Ireland Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find smeone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'


Wait for it.....................

 




The man shakes his head. 'No they're all at the funeral.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 18, 2008, 04:36:38 PM
The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 22, 2008, 02:09:25 PM
Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida , has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture Such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!

Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'

Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 22, 2008, 04:26:12 PM
I know this is not a joke but could someone explain it to me


Nothing you can do with maths applies after reading this. I think that all structural calculations I have ever done are now invalid because of the flawed system. The world is about to end.

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves. That's fact!

When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza. That's fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought. These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, and then departs with his two pound tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!

Remember £30 - £25 = £5 Right? £5 - £3 = £2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite. Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each. They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip. £27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.

Where the hell is the other pound?


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Rick O Shea on April 22, 2008, 04:50:54 PM
Quote from: illdecide on April 22, 2008, 04:26:12 PM
I know this is not a joke but could someone explain it to me


Nothing you can do with maths applies after reading this. I think that all structural calculations I have ever done are now invalid because of the flawed system. The world is about to end.

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves. That's fact!

When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza. That's fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought. These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, and then departs with his two pound tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!

Remember £30 - £25 = £5 Right? £5 - £3 = £2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite. Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each. They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip. £27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.

Where the hell is the other pound?


i dunno how to put this into words, but i'll try!

There is no need to add the £2 to the £27 - you're just adding 2 numbers for the sake of it!

The fellas spent £27; £25 for the pizza, £2 tip
The pizza place got £30 originally, but returned £5; £3 to the fellas; £2 for the tip
And the delivery boy got £2; £30 minus £25 (for the pizza) minus £3 returned

hope thats clear  ;D  ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 22, 2008, 04:54:09 PM
30 quid paid at the start.

Hotel keeps 25.

Each man gets 1 back. 3x1=3

Delivery boy keeps 2.

25+3+2 = 30.

The fact that they paid out a tenner in the first place cannot be overlooked even though they all get a pound back.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on April 22, 2008, 04:55:25 PM
A man has 17 camels and 3 sons...

WHen the man dies he leaves the camels to his 3 sons. 1/3 to the eldest, 1/6 to the middle son and 1/9 to the youngest Son. Perplexed by this conundrum the family lawyer wasn't sure how to split up the 17 camels until the children's friend Ali came up with a solution that solved it easily... how did he do it??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on April 22, 2008, 05:04:06 PM
I think you're wrong - the splits were 1/2, 1/3 and 1/9 of the herd.  Anyway, Ali added another camel to the mix to make 18.

Then the eldest gets 9 camels, the middle gets 6 camels and the youngest gets 2 camels adding up to 17 camels, Ali takes his own back and everyone's happy. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 22, 2008, 05:32:05 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on April 22, 2008, 05:04:06 PM
I think you're wrong - the splits were 1/2, 1/3 and 1/9 of the herd.  Anyway, Ali added another camel to the mix to make 18.

Then the eldest gets 9 camels, the middle gets 6 camels and the youngest gets 2 camels adding up to 17 camels, Ali takes his own back and everyone's happy. 

Yep, screenexile has the splits wrong, but I've seen this one before about Ali or George or Bob turning up on his own camel or horse or donkey and then doing the division!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on April 23, 2008, 07:53:41 AM
breaking news : police have just stopped john Arne risse on the m62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 23, 2008, 04:59:30 PM
Shopping



Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of

Stella lager and sticks it into the trolley




'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife




'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says




'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on

shopping....




A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it

into the trolley.




'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,




'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says




the man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F *& KING

PRICE'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 23, 2008, 05:23:42 PM
> A Somalian arrives in Cork a new immigrant to Ireland.
> > >
> > > He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and
> > says,
> > > 'Thank you
> > > Mr Irishman for letting me in this country, giving me
> > housing,
> > > food
> > > stamps, free medical care and free education!'
> > >
> > > The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
> > >
> > > The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
> > 'Thank
> > > you for
> > > having such a beautiful country here in Ireland !'
> > >
> This person says, 'I no Irish, me Polish.'
> He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and
> > says,
> > > 'Thank you
> > > for the wonderful things in Ireland !' This person puts up his
> hand
> and says, 'I am from India , I am not Irish!'
> Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Irish?' She
> says,' No, I am from Africa !'
> > > Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Irish people?'
> > >
> > > The African lady checks her watch and says ...
>
> > > ' Probably at work!! '
>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 23, 2008, 05:24:25 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT





For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?





We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack


Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an


intellectual way.





Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer


magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.


Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.





In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple


produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull


Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.





Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high


school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt


divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids


were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was


then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.





Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with


a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six


children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout


childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual


ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the


Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.





Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently


returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.





Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct


them.





Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2008, 09:20:55 AM
The doctor said,   'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require cast**tion.

You have a very rare condition which causes your te**icles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test**les.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your test**les up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2008, 12:36:39 PM
Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for herhand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr.Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 25, 2008, 03:04:58 PM
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:             'OK'.
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'   
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 25, 2008, 04:25:23 PM
All the Chelsea players have been asked to attend Frank Lampard's mother's funeral except for Didier Drogba....they're afraid of him diving in the box.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 25, 2008, 06:44:42 PM
Any pun fans?
                  _____________________

The latest market research shows a growing trend for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast, with the result that people are experiencing greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that, who needs enemas?

                  _____________________

I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel - that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asked him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

                  _____________________

This guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast while in his home town for Christmas. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on April 25, 2008, 08:11:34 PM
Keats and Chapman were staying on the site of an archeological dig in Kurdistan. One night, Chapman was woken by noises outside his tent. Peering out, he saw two figures emerge from a nearby tent, then make their way to the next and crawl quietly in. He realised that the men were native tribesmen stealing from the tents while the camp slept. Chapman left his tent and cast around for a weapon, thinking that the natives were probably armed. The first thing that came to hand was a bone from a pile nearby. Chapman recognised it as a human thigh bone. Moving quietly to the tent where the robbers were, he waited for them to emerge. As they crawled out, he struck first the one and then the other sharply over the head, knocking them both unconscious, then raised the alarm. The camp came awake, and a small crowd gathered around Chapman and the two unconscious natives. Chapman explained what had happened.
"Well done, Chapman," said Keats. "You seem to have stilled two Kurds with one bone."

* * * * * * *

Walking along the cliffs near Land's End one day, Keats and Chapman came across a spot overlooking a small bay, where they decided to rest for a while. Lower down the cliff, they noticed a group of boys throwing stones at the sea birds in the bay.
After a while, Chapman said, "Keats, don't you think we should do something about this?"
"What? Yes, yes of course you're right," replied Keats. Leaning forward over the cliff, he called down to the boys, "That's it, lads, keep it up. Leave no tern unstoned."

* * * * * * *

Keats and Chapman were visiting a friend at his house in the country. Their friend was well known for his hobby of collecting thrones, rather unusual collector's items perhaps, but the man had the wealth to have acquired quite a fair few of them. At Keats' request, the man led them through to a large conservatory, where the collection stood. Some were set out for display, whilst others, the less worthy perhaps, were stacked in piles. Chapman was particularly struck by one throne which was some way down in a stack in a corner. He asked if it might be possible to view it properly, and their friend obligingly called for the butler to dismantle the pile. The butler was some time in arriving, and Chapman, impatient at the wait, began to lift thrones from the pile himself. Unfortunately, the pile had not been well stacked, and, Chapman disturbing its precarious equilibrium, the whole heavy tower of thrones toppled and fell, crashing through the glass end wall of the conservatory.
There was a silence, then Chapman, horror-stricken, said, "What can I say?"
"You could try the old adage," said Keats promptly. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

* * * * * * *

An unfortunate series of events had led to an acquaintance of Chapman's becoming an inmate of the local lunatic asylum. Our heroes went along one visiting day to see the man. The asylum was built in the form of a square, enclosing a courtyard, and it was in that courtyard that the visitors were allowed to visit their unfortunate friends and relatives. After some time, a white coated attendant came out to the top of the steps that led down into the courtyard, and began ringing a handbell.
"What does that signify?" asked Chapman.
"I think," said Keats, "he is ringing in the sane."

* * * * * * *

Keats and Chapman were at the dress rehearsal of an open air concert, the conductor being a friend of Keats'. During the first half, they became aware that the audience was bigger than they had realised - a herd of cows in an adjacent field were lined up along the fence bemusedly watching this human interruption to their grazing. Come the interval, a number of the orchestra rushed off to the nearest pub, the Old Bush. The allotted time for the interval passed, but the dress did not resume. Eventually, Keats went over to ask the conductor what was causing the delay. Apparently two of the orchestra had still not returned from the pub.
"Come on, Chapman," said Keats, and rushed off to the field of cows. Somewhat puzzled, Chapman followed. Keats entered the field, and began shooing the cows out through a gate towards the site of the concert.
"Whatever are you doing?" asked Chapman.
"There's no time to talk," replied Keats. "Just get these cows into the orchestra. Stand aside, there, chaps, make way, make way! A herd in the band is worth two in the Bush!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 28, 2008, 12:07:13 AM
A family of prostitutes were discussing money.

The youngest one says " I only get £30 now for a blow-job".

The mother says "Well in my day all I'd get for that was a fiver".

And the granny says "ah sure in my day I was just glad of the warm drink".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on April 30, 2008, 09:21:54 AM
Signs You Might be Taliban:

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5 . You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Candyman on April 30, 2008, 11:28:37 AM
LITTLE APRIL WAS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS AND WAS HALF FALLING ASLEEP, THE TEACHER NOTICED THIS AND SHOUTED TO HER

*APRIL WHO MADE THE WORLD,* JOHNNY SITTING NEXT TO APRIL SAW SHE DID NOT HEAR AND JABBED HER IN THE BACKSIDE WITH HIS PEN.

APRIL SHOUTED *GOD ALMIGHTY*

5 MINS LATER THE TEACHER NOTICED APRIL DOZING OFF AGAIN AND SHOUTED *APRIL WHO IS OUR SAVIOUR* JOHNNY SEEING APRIL WAS HALF ASLEEP AGAIN JABBED HER IN THE BACKSIDE WITH HIS PEN AND APRIL SHOUTED *JESUS CHRIST*

10 MINS LATER THE TEACHER NOTICES APRIL HALF ASLEEP AGAIN AND THOUGHT I WILL CATCH HER THIS TIME

SO TEACHER SHOUTS *APRIL --WHAT DID EVE SAY TO ADAM AFTER HAVING HIS 23RD CHILD..........JOHNNY SEES APRIL IS HALF ASLEEP AGAIN AND AGAIN HE GIVES HER A GOOD JAB WITH HIS PEN.

AND APRIL SHOUTS *IF YOU STICK THAT f**king THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE.*----------------------

THE TEACHER FAINTED.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on May 01, 2008, 11:30:53 AM
An austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known josef frittzles daughter alice. Alice? He replied. Who the f**k is Alice.you mean For 24 years ........ Ive been living next door to Alice!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 01, 2008, 12:57:48 PM
Not funny  >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on May 01, 2008, 01:08:26 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 01, 2008, 12:57:48 PM
Not funny  >:(

Come on ziggy, jokes (even in poor taste) always follow tragedies such as this e.g. 9/11, Ipswich murders, Maddie McCann etc.

People in glass houses and all that you know.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 01, 2008, 01:14:20 PM
Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal).

        According to a news report, a certain private school in
        Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of

        12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom.

        That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
        Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
        Girls would put them back.
        Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. 
        She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
        Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing
        A major problem for the custodian who had to clean the Mirrors every
        Night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

        To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she

        Asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

         He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
         cleaned the mirror with it.


         Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

        There are teachers.... and then there are educators.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on May 01, 2008, 05:39:55 PM
News today that trips to Austria for stag weekends have nosedived since it emerged that Austrians really do lock up their daughters.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on May 01, 2008, 09:55:23 PM
Definition of an Austrian virgin? A girl who can run faster than her father!!! :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on May 01, 2008, 10:37:57 PM
 ;D  Good one Ziggy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 13, 2008, 12:47:33 PM
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.


'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver


'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.


How about a bag of lollies and £10?' asked the driver.


'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.


'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh'? quizzed the  driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.


'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy


'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.


'NO,' screamed the boy.


'What will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh.


The boy replied,











':Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 20, 2008, 04:54:44 PM
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married,  and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to  amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M  style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet  again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my  boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos  and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made  love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night  we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask  over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a  word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said:  'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got  myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My  husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,  'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on May 20, 2008, 04:59:48 PM
What do you call a kn**ker that gets sick in his van......................

A Bad Traveller !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 21, 2008, 10:25:35 AM
Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Mary," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. "Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here lass and stir this mince."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 21, 2008, 10:32:11 AM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom,
but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of
the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters:  <st1:City
w:st="on">WW</st1:City
, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like
this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the
warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.





'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'







MEN NEVER LISTEN (Didn't know to leave that last comment in or out)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 21, 2008, 02:40:59 PM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: jaykay on May 23, 2008, 02:17:54 PM
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me..'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on May 28, 2008, 11:23:18 AM
Two lads are working in ground zero at the old Twin Towers in the middle of NYC... A Yank and a Poleglass native.

Yank: Hey man so where do you come from?

Spide: Poleglass mate!

Yank: Wow I've never heard of it... what State is that in?

Spide: Pretty much the same as this like!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on May 28, 2008, 03:56:28 PM
Dave the hen


Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 28, 2008, 05:45:42 PM
Clucking hell, thats an old one.
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on June 05, 2008, 02:21:23 PM
There's a man at a bus stop eating a massive hamburger. He's really enjoying it, but he can't stop noticing this really scruffy dog staring at him, and the burger. He shifts a bit to the side, but the dog follows him, and starts sniffing the burger. He takes another step to the side, and the dog starts to jump on him and bark. He is really annoyed by this point. He turns to the owner and asks- "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"
She answers- "Not at all, I'm sure he'd love it."
So the man grabs the dog and fcuks him over a wall into the river.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on June 06, 2008, 04:59:52 PM
Jim lands back on friday night airlocked, with a sheep under his arm. He climbs the stairs and throws open the bedroom door and stamps in, where his wife (raging) is waiting for him. Wobbling a bit, he announces 'This is the pig I have sex with when you're too tired!'.
The wife, never one to let anything pass; 'I think you'll find thats a sheep'.
Jim: 'I think you'll find, i was talking to the sheep...'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 09, 2008, 05:02:42 PM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on June 09, 2008, 05:41:43 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 09, 2008, 05:02:42 PM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice


So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on June 09, 2008, 10:30:41 PM
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on June 09, 2008, 05:41:43 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 09, 2008, 05:02:42 PM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice


So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st

You pedantic shite! It was funnier the second time!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 09, 2008, 11:16:19 PM
Here's a good 'un

THE MORMON and the IRISHMAN

An Irishman was seated next to an Morman on a flight to London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hurler on the Bitch on June 09, 2008, 11:25:58 PM
Feck me, ye'll pish yerselves at this one.

THE Gay Person and the IRISHMAN
An Irishman was seated next to an Gay Person on a flight to London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Gay Person if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen Gays than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'f**k off you Queer Bastard, I know a Psychiatrist that could cure Ye'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 10, 2008, 11:02:38 AM
Quote from: Hurler on the Bitch on June 09, 2008, 10:30:41 PM
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on June 09, 2008, 05:41:43 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 09, 2008, 05:02:42 PM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice


So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st

You pedantic shite! It was funnier the second time!!!!

Jasus lads sorry about that, i get that many it's hard to keep track of the ones i have posted. And i haven't the time to read back pages but i will try and not make that mistake again :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 11, 2008, 05:46:02 PM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on June 13, 2008, 08:06:20 AM
The Olympic Games hammer throwing competition was nearing the end of the final.

The favourite for the gold, Koller from the Czech Republic, was in the gold medal position having thrown a new world record of 86.98 metres. He was already being congratulated on winning gold as nothing was expected of the last three throwers who had only just qualified for the final.

So the crowd went respectifully quiet as the third last competitor, Paddy Chinaman went into throw. Not a physically imposing man, little was expected.
But Paddy threw a rocket of a throw, landing over 87 metres, setting a new world record and practically assured of gold.
The crowd were dumbstruck. Straightaway the BBC pitchside reporter approached the new world record and asked him how his throw was so good. In broken English Paddy replied 'my father, he worked hard all his life, my grandfather de same. Dey always say if you work hard you will be the best you can be.'

After things calmed down the penultimate competitor arrived. Even less was expected of Paddy Egyptian man. He was the first man from his country to qualify for the Olympic hammer throwing but the crowd were silenced when they saw his throw fly past Paddy Chinaman's. When it was measured it came in at an incredible 90.14 metres. The crowd were again in awe. The BBC lad came bounding up and asked Paddy how could he explain such a throw. He gave a similar answer to Paddy Chinaman, how his father and his father before him had espoused the value of hard work and how he was looking forward to bring the medal to Cairo.

The presentation party was already underway. The Egyptian flag was set to be hoisted for gold. Sure the last lad had no chance at all.
Guess who he was?

Yes, good oul Paddy Irish man.

Up stepped Paddy, a quick scrath of his balls followed by a scrath of his head and a look around at the surroundings.
He was easily the least athletic looking of all the finalists and didn't have runners but rather steel toe cap boots ('in case I drop the feckin' thing like')
But he didn't drop it, he flung it into orbit and set it crashing beyond the grass and onto the track at the far end. The crowd stayed silent for minutes, watching the replay to see if their eyes were deceiving them.
They weren't and when the measuring tape was eventually stretched far enough an incredible distance of 102.34 was recorded.
The crowd stood up and gave a standing ovation.

The BBC man went up and congratulated Ireland's first gold medal winner of the new millennium. Out of breath with incredulity he asked Paddy to explain how he was so good.



'Well it's like this," said Paddy. 'My father was an idle f*cker, my grandfather was an idle f*cker. They always said if anyone ever comes near you with a hammer throw it as far away as f*cking possible!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on June 13, 2008, 03:58:59 PM
WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands.

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."



"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The Nun fainted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 13, 2008, 04:39:21 PM
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
>
>
>
> A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask
> the driver a question and tapped
> him on the shoulder. The driver
> screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
> hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
> stopped just inches from a large
> plate glass window.
>
> For a few moments everything was silent
> in the cab, and then the still
> shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you
> scared the daylights out of me.'
>
> The frightened passenger apologized to
> the driver and said he didn't realize
> a mere tap on the shoulder could
> frighten him so much.
>
> The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry,
> it's entirely my fault. Today is my
> first day driving a
> cab...................
>
> I've been driving a hearse for the last
> 25 years.'
>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on June 18, 2008, 02:10:22 PM
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well then... only two left!'

Englishmen, God bless them, should not mess with the Irish
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on June 24, 2008, 12:50:23 PM
> > > Two Mayo men are  walking along Shop Street in Galway when they see a
>
> > >  sign which reads as
>follows:
> > >
> > > Suits  15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each,
>trousers
> > > 2.50  euro per pair
> > >
> > > Willie Joe says to TJ, "Look  at that. We could
>buy a
> > > load of that gear and when we  get back to
>Castlebar,
> > > we could make a fortune. Now  when we go into the shop, don't say
> > > anything. Just let me do  all the
>talking
> > > 'cause if they hear our accent they  might not
>serve
>us,
> > > so i'll speak in my best  Galway accent."
> > >
> > > They go in and Willie Joe  orders 50 suits at
>15.00
>each,
> > > 100 shirts at  2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers
>at
>2.50
> > >  each.
> > >
> > > The owner of the shop says, "You're  from Mayo,
>aren't
> > > you?"
> > >
>  > > "Oh, . . yes, how the f*ck did you know  that?"
>asks
>Willie
> > > Joe
> >  >
> > > The owner says, "Because this is a  f**king
>dry-cleaners . !"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on June 25, 2008, 03:11:58 PM
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor ' s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what ' s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There ' s nothing worse than a Doctor ' s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, ' Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today? '
' There ' s something wrong with my dick ' , he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ' You shouldn ' t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
' Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, ' he said.
The Receptionist replied; ' Now you ' ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private. '   

The man replied, ' You shouldn ' t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. '


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ' Yes?? '
' There ' s something wrong with my ear ' , he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ' And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?? '
' I can ' t piss out of it, ' he replied !
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 25, 2008, 04:51:05 PM
Scottish insults:

She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like sha*gin a pail of water.

It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher

Fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Ar*e like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and sha*ging the night

She's seen more co*kends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fa*ny like a clowns pocket

Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet

More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pi*h flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

C*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on June 25, 2008, 10:22:27 PM
With Ronaldo on his way to Madrid, Sir Alex Ferguson has announced that he's looking for somebody to replace him. At a press conference he said, "I'm looking for an experienced attacker, someone who doesn't let stubborn defences stop him getting into the box".

Top of his list at the moment is John Leslie
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on June 26, 2008, 08:30:18 AM
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially  buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion,  surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan  outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a  limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one:
'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on June 26, 2008, 08:58:36 AM
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing!  In Germany , we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them  both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!...  We can take an
arsehole out of Scotland ,  put him in 10 Downing Street and have half
the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on June 27, 2008, 07:47:59 AM
seen in the Daily Mirror last Saturday:

A RECOVERING drug addict who stole 120 packets of rashers replied "Galtee" when a judge asked him if he did it.

Graham Finlay made the quip in Tallaght District Court, Dublin, after Judge James McDonnell asked him to plea.

The court heard Finlay was caught on CCTV stuffing nearly EUR500 worth of bacon into his pockets in three separate Dublin supermarkets.

He said he ate some of his loot and sold the rest so he could fund his drug habit.

Finlay, from Knockmore in Tallaght, also pleaded guilty to stealing 24 shower gels worth EUR104.

Judge McDonnell sentenced him to six months in prison.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the Deel Rover on June 27, 2008, 03:05:30 PM

Dear John,

                 The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home only to find my husband making love to our neighbour. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but I don't know if I can trust him any more. What should I do?

Sincerely Frustrated.







Dear Frustrated,

                         A car stalling can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Check that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes on to the inlet manifold. Or it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

john
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: corn02 on June 27, 2008, 04:52:01 PM
You know what time Andy Murray goes to bed at during Wimbledon?


.....


Tenish.


Coat on already.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on June 27, 2008, 05:39:55 PM
and don't come back lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: nic on June 27, 2008, 06:43:17 PM
Paddy's wife is ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.

On arrival the nurse asks "Is she dilated?"

Paddy says "Jaysus, shes over the f**king moon!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on June 30, 2008, 02:20:44 AM
New football boots - 150 Pound.
New haircut - 50 Pound
Providing your family with luxury accommodation for 3 weeks - 3000 Pound

Losing the Euro 08 cup final, Champions League Final, Premier League final day show down, League cup final, Fa cup quarter final all in the same season... f**king priceless

There are some things money can't buy but for everything else there's Ballackcard.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: thewingedlady on June 30, 2008, 02:39:15 PM
poor aul ballack, he lcame second in the german league, the german cup final and the CL final in the same season with bayer in 02. What a loser  :D
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 07, 2008, 11:36:36 AM
2008 Civil Service Exam

Welcome to this year's civil service exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
Flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work
Free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building)
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament.

MATHMATICS:
Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.
If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long have you had for lunch?
The answer of course is half an hour.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a) Can I help you, madam?
b) Can I help you, miss?
c) What can I do you for, mate?
d) How's tricks, doll-face
The correct answer is 'none of the above'.
This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:
a) We are looking into the matter
b) Can I get back to you on this one?
c) The matters have been referred to another committee
d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
The correct answer is 'you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension'

SPELLING:
Spell the following words:
a) Tea
b) Sickie
c) Lunchbreak
d) Go-slow

This is the end of the examination.
Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bull sh #t
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders – yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER = Wont make a decision
AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber
LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 25, 2008, 04:33:04 PM
Ten Times in history when the 'F' word was almost appropriate:

#10 Scattered f**king showers, my ass! - Noah, 4314 BC

# 9 - How the f**k did I just work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC

# 8 - You want WHAT on the f**king CEILING? - Michelango, 1568

# 7 - Where did all those f**king Indians come from? - Custer, 1877

# 6 - It does f**king look like her! - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - Where the f**k are we? - Amelia Earhardt, 1937

# 4 - Any f**king idiot should understand that! - Einstein, 1938

# 3 - What the f**k was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

# 2 - I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in the head! - JFK, 1963

# 1 - Aw come on, who the f**k is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Diet Coke on July 25, 2008, 08:30:46 PM
Two middle aged ladies head to Jamacia on holiday to see if what they say about black men is true.

First night one of them picks up a 25 year old black stud and has the time of her life. At breakfast next morning she tells all to her

friend and she agrees to try him out later. she too is equally impressed. Needless to say they continue until they are ready to leave

at the airport they ask the guy his name, and he says "Sno", the two women burst out laughing, he says what are you laughing at?

They say" our husbands will never believe us when we tell them we were delighted to see 9 inches of sno in Jamacia!" :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on July 25, 2008, 09:21:15 PM
A man is drinking in a bar when a thug comes up to him and smacks him one in the face and shouts "Thats KUNG F U from Japan"
The man is only getting up off the floor when the thug smacks him again and this time shouts "Thats KARATE from Korea".....
The man picks himself up off the ground and leaves the bar..
An hour later the same man walks back into the bar and walks up to the thug and smacks him...The man turns to the barman and says....
"When that **** wakes up tell him that was a f**king SHOVEL from Chadwicks"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 30, 2008, 11:39:17 PM
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on July 31, 2008, 08:50:49 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her

95- year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. '

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing
our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous,

simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
 
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 02:56:37 PM
 An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on July 31, 2008, 04:59:07 PM

First time you left a bar with no chick to take you home?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 05:00:07 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 31, 2008, 09:05:55 PM
Q. Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?

A. A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 09:24:08 PM
Lollypop?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 31, 2008, 09:26:30 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 09:24:08 PM
Lollypop?

Thats for suckers like you!  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on July 31, 2008, 09:27:44 PM
 :D Very good
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 09:32:08 PM
Quote from: Orior on July 31, 2008, 09:26:30 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on July 31, 2008, 09:24:08 PM
Lollypop?

Thats for suckers like you!  :)

bastard  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 01, 2008, 11:35:56 AM
Subject: The Rugby Fan


The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 06, 2008, 04:02:03 PM
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.



A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.



The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked,   'did you call for me?'

 

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

 

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,

it implies you called for me.'

   

Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly

pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

 

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and

as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge,

hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.







Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.

 

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

 

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies

that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench

and had his way with the newcomer.





The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

 

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can

keep the R500 membership fee.'







'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.

You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'







'Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.



I'm outta here.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: john mcgill on August 06, 2008, 04:39:00 PM
Apparently, the Koreans have just brought out a new vegetarian ready-meal.


It's called a Not Poodle.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 07, 2008, 12:21:36 PM
Subject: Bear Hunting

>
>
> Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
>
>
> He travels up to Alaska , spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
>
>
> Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around > to see a
> big black bear.
>
>
> The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my > cousin and
> I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we > have
> s*x.'
>
>
> After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter > alternative.
> So the black bear has his way with Frank.
>
>
> Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
> revenge.
>
>
> He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the > black bear
> and shot it dead..
>
>
> Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
> grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a > big
> mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.
>
>
> Either I maul you to death or we have rough s*x.'
>
>
> Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly > bear than
> be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
>
>
> Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully > recovered.
>
>
> Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and > managed
> to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but
> then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
>
>
> He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
>
>
> The polar bear looked at him and
> said..............................................
>
>
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> . 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 11, 2008, 03:47:44 PM
> The Sensitive Man
>
>
> A woman meets a man in a bar.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> They talk; they connect; they end
> up leaving together.
>
>
>
> They get back to his place,
>
>
>
> and as he shows her around his
> apartment.
> She notices that one wall of his
> bedroom is
>
>
> completely filled with soft, sweet,
> cuddly teddy bears.
>
>
> There are three shelves in the
> bedroom,
>
> with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
>
> cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
> in rows, covering the entire wall!
>
> It was obvious that he had taken
> quite some time to lovingly arrange them
>
> and she was immediately touched
>
> by the amount of thought he had
> put into organizing the display.
>
>
> There were small bears all along
> the bottom shelf,
>
>
> medium-sized bears covering the
> length of the middle shelf,
> and huge, enormous bears running
> all the way along the top shelf.
>
>
> She found it strange for an
> obviously masculine guy
>
> to have such a large collection of
> Teddy Bears,
>
> She is quite impressed by his
> sensitive side.
>
> but doesn't mention this to him.
> They share a bottle of wine and
> continue talking and,
>
> after awhile, she finds herself
> thinking,
>
> 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
> could be the one!
>
> Maybe he could be the future
> father of my children?'
> She turns to him and kisses him
> lightly on the lips
>
>
> He responds warmly.
>
> They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds, and he romantically lifts
> her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
>
> where they rip off each other's
> clothes and make hot, steamy love.
> She is so overwhelmed that she
> responds with more passion,
> more creativity, more heat than she
> has ever known.
> After an intense, explosive night
> of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together
> in the afterglow.
> The woman rolls over, gently
> strokes his chest and asks coyly,
> 'Well,how was it?'
> The guy gently smiles at her,
>
> strokes her cheek,
> looks deeply into her eyes,
> and says:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Help yourself to any prize
> from the middle shelf'
>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on August 12, 2008, 01:46:13 PM
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts
were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip, when I turn to see her pulling a bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', - I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'Yes' I dumbly replied.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that, and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I
caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under
the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

' Arrghhh....' she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed She pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of
soft cotton , and, my god, was she wet !!!!

'Well tell me this, Smart Ass' She snapped, ' Have you ever felt such a
c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 12, 2008, 02:08:15 PM
Quote'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'

this was a good joke, but not worth posting again as it was one the previous page!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on August 12, 2008, 05:05:43 PM
Its better the second time!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 12, 2008, 05:17:55 PM
I missed it the first time round
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 13, 2008, 11:08:08 AM
Quote from: Yes I Would on August 12, 2008, 05:05:43 PM
Its better the second time!!

What you talking about fool
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on August 13, 2008, 11:17:46 AM
Quote from: illdecide on August 13, 2008, 11:08:08 AM
Quote from: Yes I Would on August 12, 2008, 05:05:43 PM
Its better the second time!!

What you talking about fool

I just thought i told it better!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on August 13, 2008, 11:33:15 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on August 13, 2008, 11:36:17 AM
A couple are at a restaurant for a meal and it's one of those places where you have to choose your seafood from a tank.

Once the waiter shows the choice, the woman chooses sea bass and the male chooses a strange little squid, pale green in colour with a little moustache.

Gervaise, the chef prepares the sea bass for the woman and is in the process of preparing the little green squid with the moustache.

Gervaise raises his knife ready to cut but sees a little tear fall from the squids eye.

Never before has Gervasis felt choked about something like this and he just can not complete the task.

He calls Hans the dishwaser over and asks him to slice the squid up for him.

Hans raises the knife and is just about to bring the blade down when he also seas a little tear fall from this little green squid with the unusual moustache.

And the moral of the story?

Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise, with mild green, hairy lip squid
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DirtyDozen12 on August 13, 2008, 01:39:45 PM
Possibly the funniest story in a long while;

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the "Accident Report Form".

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report Form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on August 13, 2008, 01:45:18 PM
Not Politically Correct



I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.


------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------


Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------


Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat f*ck.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king

Big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle

With buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 12:08:38 PM

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on August 14, 2008, 03:28:03 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 12:08:38 PM

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work


:D I have to admit it took me a while but i got it eventually :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Our Nail Loney on August 14, 2008, 03:32:01 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 12:08:38 PM

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work


:D :D That is class! Musta put some thought into that at home!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Erne Gael on August 14, 2008, 04:20:39 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 12:08:38 PM

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work


afraid to ask... but might as well. Whats happening here?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 04:26:40 PM
Do I have to spell it out for you?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on August 14, 2008, 04:35:35 PM
Quote from: Erne Gael on August 14, 2008, 04:20:39 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on August 14, 2008, 12:08:38 PM

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work


afraid to ask... but might as well. Whats happening here?

:D It took me a few minutes too

C
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/ScreenPart_2008-08-14_162909.jpg)

U

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/ScreenPart_2008-08-14_162935.jpg)
N
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/ScreenPart_2008-08-14_162951.jpg)
T
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/ScreenPart_2008-08-14_163013.jpg)



(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m266/laoislad/ScreenPart_2008-08-14_163427.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on August 18, 2008, 12:07:57 AM
HOW  MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof  of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by  Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs.  Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the  Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering  banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops  his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all  verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of  condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't  looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off  at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the  floor leading to  feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up  to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....  and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET  FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the  outdoor clothing department and  told shoppers he'd invite them in if  they would bring sausages and a Calor  gas stove.

7. September  23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,  he began to  cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October  4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his  nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing  kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where  the  antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the  store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.  December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using  different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and  when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position  and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not  least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,  waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in  here.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2008, 12:24:31 AM
Q. How do mink get mink?

A. The same way that women get mink.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 18, 2008, 01:04:20 AM
eh?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Down Gael on August 18, 2008, 01:26:34 AM
emptied the washing machine just there and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2008, 10:43:07 AM
Quote from: Down Gael on August 18, 2008, 01:26:34 AM
emptied the washing machine just there and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.


LOL.

Ziggy - how do women get men to buy them mink coats?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Down Gael on August 18, 2008, 07:38:11 PM
Quote from: Orior on August 18, 2008, 10:43:07 AM
Ziggy - how do women get men to buy them mink coats?


The same way that mink get mink!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 18, 2008, 11:09:42 PM
Sorry, I'm still clueless. Something tells me it's really obvious and I'm making a fool of myself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2008, 11:34:08 PM
Quote from: Orior on August 18, 2008, 12:24:31 AM
Q. How do mink get mink?

A. The same way that women get mink.


In depth explanation for the Ziggy boyo:

1) Women get mink coats from men by having sex.

2) Mummy mink and daddy mink get baby minks by having sex.

QED.


Jeez Ziggy, now that I've had to explain the whole thing it aint funny anymore  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 19, 2008, 02:00:41 AM
Aah, get it now. Wasn't funny.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Our Nail Loney on August 19, 2008, 10:04:47 AM
Yeah it was pretty shit!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 19, 2008, 11:24:27 AM
That was pure manure
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on August 19, 2008, 01:41:50 PM
Most people who need jokes explained to them don't tend to find them funny....!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 19, 2008, 01:49:47 PM
Did you find it funny?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AZOffaly on August 19, 2008, 02:01:40 PM
Quote from: DirtyDozen12 on August 13, 2008, 01:39:45 PM
Possibly the funniest story in a long while;

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the "Accident Report Form".

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report Form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.



This isn't a true story. It's a prose version of the song Paddy the Builder. (The sick note)

Dear Boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body Is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey.
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today...

Ad infinitum.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on August 19, 2008, 02:17:07 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 19, 2008, 04:30:25 PM
Question: What's the difference between a Dublin GAA jersey and a school
uniform??
Answer: You can see school uniforms in September.

Question: Did you hear about the Dublin bra?
Answer: All support and no cup!!

Question: What do you say to a Dub on All-Ireland Final day?
Answer: 2 hot dogs please

Question: Whats blue and navy and goes beep, beep, beep?
Answer: Dublins's open top bus reversing back into the garage!!!

Question: What do you call a Dublin man with an all Ireland medal?
Answer: An antique dealer!

Question: What Dublin's national anthem?
Answer: What's another year!

Paul Caffrey was arrested last night after vandalising a cigarette
machine, he replied by saying he was in a bad way for 20 players!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 19, 2008, 04:33:23 PM
Sorry lads i had that on b4 i noticed someone had a thread dedicated to it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: man in black on August 20, 2008, 10:25:39 AM
gary Glitter has been given a date for his release.................................






She's about 8 but with the make up on she'd pass for 12
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 20, 2008, 12:03:20 PM
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take
a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the
beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She
replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my
cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came
from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says
casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She
stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on August 20, 2008, 12:58:02 PM
Michael Jackson was bathing his son. His son asks 'How come your c**k's different to mine'?
Jacko replies, 'Well, for a start you haven't got a hard on.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on August 20, 2008, 08:34:27 PM
Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!

MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."

MOTORISTS. Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you'll get your money's worth.

MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

SPOONERISE Rolf Harris's name. Hey Presto! You're saying it in a dog's voice.

McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.

NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.

LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.

HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

BAKERS Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.

PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on August 20, 2008, 09:22:17 PM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on August 20, 2008, 08:34:27 PM
Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!
PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.



Poor Debbie  :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on August 20, 2008, 09:40:52 PM
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on August 20, 2008, 09:22:17 PM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on August 20, 2008, 08:34:27 PM
Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!
PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.



Poor Debbie  :'(

Saw her in half, Split her in half -whats the real difference?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: An Fear Rua on August 20, 2008, 09:43:18 PM
(http://www.harderfaster.net/images/uploads/thumb_b940ab7d76d19d833d46d4627ec0b477.jpg)

i know, i know
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on August 20, 2008, 09:45:02 PM
afr i do not know weather to laught or cry
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on August 20, 2008, 09:45:07 PM
Ah FFS!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: An Fear Rua on August 20, 2008, 09:46:16 PM
I know, I know, I know etc


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 20, 2008, 09:48:55 PM
And yet you did..... tut-tut
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: An Fear Rua on August 20, 2008, 09:50:47 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on August 20, 2008, 09:48:55 PM
And yet you did..... tut-tut

well , seeing as michael jackson bathing children was deemed ok, and theres no "damed to hell on wednesday thread".......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 20, 2008, 09:52:19 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 21, 2008, 11:56:28 AM
The sun's going to your head tram....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on August 21, 2008, 03:20:04 PM
3 mice sitting around chatting about how hard they were

1st mouse pipes up and says "im the hardest of all, i can go to the mouse trap, lift the cheese bench press 50 times all before the the trap snaps

2nd mouse reckons he was the hardest, " i snort the rat poisin like cocaine sit there and finish off the cheese or chocolate or whatever other delights are left for me,

3rd Mouse, "Lads im sick of sitting round here talking shite you two, im feeling horny, im a away home to shag the cat"

boom boom  :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 21, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on August 21, 2008, 04:20:18 PM
Quote from: illdecide on August 21, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"

That's actually one of the funniest jokes I've read in a long time!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 21, 2008, 05:33:53 PM
Quote from: screenexile on August 21, 2008, 04:20:18 PM
Quote from: illdecide on August 21, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"

That's actually one of the funniest jokes I've read in a long time!

I've got to agree. One of the funniest jokes in this thread in a looooong time. Still giggling.  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Longshanks on August 21, 2008, 05:41:31 PM
Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on August 21, 2008, 05:44:12 PM
Quote from: Longshanks on August 21, 2008, 05:41:31 PM
Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)

I would say if you send it to the ones that remember Mr Blobby they will find it even funnier  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Longshanks on August 21, 2008, 05:48:27 PM
Quote from: full back on August 21, 2008, 05:44:12 PM
Quote from: Longshanks on August 21, 2008, 05:41:31 PM
Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)

I would say if you send it to the ones that remember Mr Blobby they will find it even funnier  ;)


Mistakes are easily made when your staying late in work every night trying to make up the flexi for the end of the month! :) :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on August 27, 2008, 10:25:32 AM
Whats the difference between jam & marmalade?

Have you ever tried to marmalade your d1ck up a womans ass......?

:-[
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on August 27, 2008, 10:44:33 AM
Quote from: full back on August 27, 2008, 10:25:32 AM
Whats the difference between jam & marmalade?

Have you ever tried to marmalade your d1ck up a womans ass......?

:-[

get your coat, the taxi has been ordered, it should be here shortly...
;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on August 27, 2008, 10:59:56 AM
the officials at the olympics closing cermony were asked to dim the lights cause 90% of the spectators apperaed to be squinting
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on August 27, 2008, 02:08:42 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the
most perfect pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in a
sale in the second shop.

In the third everything was reduced to a fiver when her mobile rang. It
was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in
a terrible accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was turning out
to be her best ever day in the shops. She decided to get in a few more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake, complimentary from
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband and, feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'you went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself.

While you were in town enjoying yourself your husband was languishing
here in the ICU. Well its just as well you did because its more than
likely to have been the last shopping trip you will take.

For the rest of his life, your husband will require round the clock care
and you will be his carer.'

The woman broke down and sobbed. The female doctor chuckled and said,
'I'm only pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on August 29, 2008, 02:58:02 PM
Found In Church Bulletins And Newsletters

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences
found in church bulletins and newsletters:

1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.


2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


7.Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.


9.Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.

10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


11.The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.


12.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.


13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.


14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


16.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


17.The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.


18.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


19.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


20.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.


21.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


22.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

23.Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


24.The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on August 29, 2008, 04:24:03 PM
A mate of mine got an invite to the Annual Dinner Dance of the Premature Ejaculation Sufferers Association. He rang them to enquire about the dress code and was told, "Just come in your trousers"!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on September 03, 2008, 04:26:14 PM
Below are a few of the actual comments from the Queen Mothers Book of Remembrance 

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh**"
J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly."
D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pis*ed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.

"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event".
E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better".
P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
D. Coe, Liverpool.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of s**t'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you
heartless b*****d!".
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort".
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on September 03, 2008, 08:14:15 PM
I recently went to a family barbecue at a mansion in Shropshire.

It was great! There was loads of beer...but sadly no Fosters
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on September 03, 2008, 08:58:04 PM
Quote from: gerry on September 03, 2008, 08:14:15 PM
I recently went to a family barbecue at a mansion in Shropshire.

It was great! There was loads of beer...but sadly no Fosters

Christ! I fully approve of these kinds of jokes (Maddie, Gary Glitter etc. as long as there' humour, no matter how dark, in it.) F**k me though, that's one of the dodgiest ones yet!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 03, 2008, 09:02:58 PM
Ah the old topical joke. Who can remember these?

Going way way back....

Q. How do you get a ticket for a disco in a boat on the Thames in London?

A. You dont. You just barge on in.



And...

Q. What was the last thing that Michael Ryan's mother said to him in their home in Hungerford?

A. Shoot down the road there boy and get me a loaf.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agnes Dipesto on September 03, 2008, 09:58:42 PM
Young lad goes to his father and asks him what is the difference between theory and reality?

The father thinks a minute and tells the lad to go and ask his mother would she sleep with a man for £500. So the young lad asks his mother and she replies of course she would.

The lad goes back to the father and tells him the mother said she would sleep with a man for £500 and the father tells him to ask his sister the same question. So the young lad asks his sister would she sleep with a man for £500 and she replies of course she would.

Lad goes back to his father and tells him that they both said they would sleep with a man for £500 but how does this explain theory and reality.

Father replies, In theory son we should have a £1000, in reality we have two whores in the house.  
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Corporal on September 04, 2008, 08:58:58 AM
Check out the following website:

http://www.sickipedia.org/ (http://www.sickipedia.org/)

Sick jokes at their best. Be warned though!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on September 04, 2008, 02:34:22 PM
I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my d1ck' is not an acceptable answer.


------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------


Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------


Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat f*ck.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king

Big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle

With buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on September 05, 2008, 09:44:51 PM
A Tyrone fan was asked on how Tyrone would cope with the twin towers, Donaghy and Walsh! He replies with confidence "bearded men have toppled the twin towers in the past"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mournerambler on September 06, 2008, 12:00:46 PM
Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat, sooner or later somebody will piss you off.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 08, 2008, 04:10:03 PM
THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!







When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with
a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
drama queen, cried all the  time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.

She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.

She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with
some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with
her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married
her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and
took everything I owned.





I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on September 08, 2008, 04:34:30 PM
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?????

Dr Dre.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 08, 2008, 04:41:01 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date
rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to
target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "Kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally
be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is

administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim
to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it,
there
are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss
the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like--minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the

yellow pages.

Thank you for your co-operation
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 09, 2008, 09:40:15 AM
TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down

And for those of you who thought it would be naughty,
I'll pray for you!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 09, 2008, 10:57:25 AM
Somewhere in Poyntzpass, I believe?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on September 09, 2008, 11:09:15 AM
amir khan has proved that muslims dont drink - on saturday night he didnt even get a round in !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 09, 2008, 03:06:33 PM
Why are pirates called pirates? 

Coz they arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh


What is a pirates favourite type of music?


Arrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh & B
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 09, 2008, 03:08:05 PM
Quote from: Onion Bag on September 09, 2008, 03:06:33 PM
Why are pirates called pirates? 

Coz they arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh


What is a pirates favourite type of music?


Arrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh & B

Get you're coat saan :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 09, 2008, 03:12:34 PM
I know for a fact you smirked at it illdecide  :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AidyMac on September 09, 2008, 03:15:46 PM
2 rats in a sewer - One says

"I'm bloody sick if it.  Shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for tea"

The other rat says "Cheer up, we'll go on the piss later"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AidyMac on September 09, 2008, 03:18:47 PM
an Irishman finds a sandwich in a gutter with 2 red wires stickin out of it.
he calls the cops and says "help me bejesus!!! I've found a sandwich which looks like a bomb"

Cop says "Is it ticken?"

Irishman says "No, I tink its beef"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 09, 2008, 03:23:52 PM
A Man walks into a library, walks up to the desk and asks " Can i have a Fish and Chip please"

The lady in the library looks at him strangely and says " I beg you pardon, but do you know that you are in a Library"

So the man responded by whispering "Sorry, can i have a Fish and Chip Please"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 09, 2008, 04:45:25 PM
Quote from: Onion Bag on September 09, 2008, 03:23:52 PM
A Man walks into a library, walks up to the desk and asks " Can i have a Fish and Chip please"

The lady in the library looks at him strangely and says " I beg you pardon, but do you know that you are in a Library"

So the man responded by whispering "Sorry, can i have a Fish and Chip Please"

Onion you're getting worser ;) :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 10:11:24 AM
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off you liar!'.
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 10:11:59 AM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you big f*cking chicken.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 10:12:27 AM
Parvinder and Habib are beggars.  They beg in different areas of  London.
 
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
0A 
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
 
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
 
Parvind er says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
 
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
 
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
 
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
 
Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
 
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 10:24:09 AM
Subject: FW: SEX IN THE DARK
Sex in the Dark

John and Mary had been married for 20 years.   Every time they made love,
John always insisted on shutting off the lights.

After 20 years, Mary felt this needed to stop.   She figured she would
break John of this crazy habit.

One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw that John was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator!   Soft, wonderful
and larger than life.

Mary went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at
him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!'

John looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 12:41:41 PM
Big Phil Scolari says Liverpool are like the IRA Army Council, they still exist but pose no threat
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on September 10, 2008, 04:05:58 PM
       
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'



(folks, your gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at
her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 10, 2008, 04:33:07 PM
Quote from: illdecide on September 10, 2008, 12:41:41 PM
Big Phil Scolari says Liverpool are like the IRA Army Council, they still exist but pose no threat

I'd love it, if that were true  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on September 15, 2008, 11:45:30 PM

THE SPEECH THERAPIST

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born,
without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until
your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'











The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.











'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'











The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.








'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How
about you, Paddy ?'











The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.











'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.











After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.




Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 17, 2008, 06:18:38 PM
The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.


'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'












'No, the  gates'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on September 17, 2008, 06:20:05 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on September 17, 2008, 06:18:38 PM
The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.


'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'












'No, the  gates'.


:D Not even in Heaven is there a decent one  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 22, 2008, 05:18:01 PM
===================
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...
Dido must be sh*tting herself.
===================
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
===================
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
===================
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
===================
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
===================
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
===================
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs.
You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
===================
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.
She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
===================
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
===================
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
===================
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.
I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
===================
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.
You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
===================
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.
Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
===================
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
===================
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid."
So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
===================
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
===================
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
===================
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
===================
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
===================
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed."
I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 22, 2008, 05:20:50 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 22, 2008, 05:21:34 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor # 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 22, 2008, 05:22:12 PM
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
   thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
   her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
   
   The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
   perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
   
   Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
   her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
   
   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
   in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
   what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   No response.
   
   So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
   wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   Still no response.
   
   Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
   wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   Again he gets no response.
   
   So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. 'Honey,
   what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
   
   So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   
   (I just love this)
   
   'Ralph, for the FIFTH F***in' time, CHICKEN!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 23, 2008, 11:35:11 AM
I think this may have been on before but just incase...

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.



He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on thebeach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up tothe shore.



In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'



She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'



'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash upwith you.



''Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat outof raw  material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gumtree  branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides andstern came  from a Eucalyptus tree.'



'But, where did you get the tools?'



Oh,that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.



I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.



I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'



The guy is stunned.



'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.



As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.



While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, shesays  casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.Would you  like a drink?'



'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.



'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.



After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'



No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shellshoned to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.



'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'



Whenhe returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him tosit  down next to her.



'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...



He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....



'F**king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 23, 2008, 11:48:21 AM
You forgot a few of the details there I'llDecide:

- His girlfriend fell overboard and the tide was washing her away, so he threw her a bar of soap so that the tide would wash her back.

- The sea was full of sharks, but she was okay cause they were only the man-eating ones.

- When she fell in she shouted back "drop me a line" and he replied "Whats your address"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 23, 2008, 11:50:37 AM
Woman A "Did you get a new hat?"

Woman B "Yes, I was down in the dumps last week so i got it to cheer myself up"

Woman A "oh, so thats where you bought it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: overdabar on September 24, 2008, 10:05:20 AM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'  The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'  The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'  The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 24, 2008, 11:18:18 AM
Whats the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton...

One was assassinated and the other had his head blown off
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 24, 2008, 11:50:35 AM
Quote from: overdabar on September 24, 2008, 10:05:20 AM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'  The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'  The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'  The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

Ah the old Benny Hill jokes are the best  :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on September 24, 2008, 09:35:03 PM
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £21.40
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 25, 2008, 09:31:59 AM
DIVORCE VS. MURDER



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide.  'The
pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'  The lady
replied, 'I need it
to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll
throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the
pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.  You
didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 25, 2008, 11:28:53 AM
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 25, 2008, 04:07:44 PM
You'll laugh at this one!


> Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
> married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
> conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
> lives.
>  After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> in some S&M role playing.
>  The following week they met up again to compare notes.
>
> Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
> the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
> leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it
> and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
> heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> right then and there!'
>  The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
> When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a
> black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
> turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to mov e up our
> wedding date!
> The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
> planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
> I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
> slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
> stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
> When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
> sat down and yelled,
>  'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Diet Coke on September 25, 2008, 07:56:59 PM
Older man sits on a bus opposite a young blonde in mini skirt...he can't help but look and blushes when he sees she's going commando....she notices and says my fanny is special ...........it can wink and blow kisses at you........which she then does....the man is stunned...then she asks him to sit beside her and asks if he would like to stick two fingers in it.............

he says holy f**k don't tell me it can whistle too!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: KCGaelicFootball on September 25, 2008, 09:43:02 PM
Quote from: Lecale2 on November 18, 2006, 12:47:15 PM
A quiet afternoon in the house of commons.
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b387/lecale2/HouseofCommons.jpg)

That says it all right there.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 26, 2008, 02:37:34 PM
I've heard this one before as well but it gets better every time i read it... :D

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them
at their wedding.


He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.



Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?



Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 26, 2008, 03:25:08 PM
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.  This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, wh en she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!


He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 29, 2008, 01:10:32 PM
My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock and racket the other day so I shouted at him....."Bad Minton!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 30, 2008, 05:09:08 PM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a  headache.
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 01, 2008, 03:32:53 PM
A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets a ball down from the rack and gives the shop-keeper his £10. "Sorry son !!" explains the shopkeeper. "This ball costs £20, but you've only got £10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the different club footballs on the rack and says: "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess which club's crest is on the ball, will you let me have the ball for £10?" The shopkeeper decides to humour the boy. He agrees to the lad's proposal, and so he blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "OK," says the boy, placing his ear to the ball, "I can hear the blasting sound of two cannons. This must be an Arsenal ball!" "That was a lucky guess," exclaimed the shopkeeper, "Let's try another one!"... and he hands him a Millwall ball. "OK," says the boy, placing his ear to the ball again, "I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a Millwall ball!"

"Blimey!" says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing..." and with that he passes him another ball. Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims "That's a Tottenham Hotspur ball!". "How on earth did you get that one? I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing!!"

"No..." said the boy. "It's going down!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 01, 2008, 09:17:45 PM
There's a new building site around the corner from my house, it's for an opticians.  My ma said it was a site for sore eyes
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Goats Do Shave on October 02, 2008, 09:46:54 AM
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 02, 2008, 11:43:15 AM
I'm going to work my way through these, and use everyone by Christmas.

40 things not to say out loud in work
=======================

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f..ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun.

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 03, 2008, 03:31:58 PM
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???




Nothing, you've told her twice already.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 03, 2008, 03:38:23 PM
A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat... ;) :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 06, 2008, 01:55:19 PM
A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I'd won the lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here's a fiver... now fcuk off!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 06, 2008, 02:27:15 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 03, 2008, 03:38:23 PM
A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat... ;) :D

LOL

Shouldnt Illdecide get reported for abusing another poster? http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557 (http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on October 08, 2008, 09:16:39 PM
 A friend of mine used to like Massey Fergusons, but now he has a job in a shower room; he's an ex-tractor fan
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 09, 2008, 10:22:23 PM
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 10, 2008, 11:01:13 AM
Quote from: Orior on October 06, 2008, 02:27:15 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 03, 2008, 03:38:23 PM
A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat... ;) :D

LOL

Shouldnt Illdecide get reported for abusing another poster? http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557 (http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557)

Very good Orior...lol. I forgot about Orangeman on the board but now we know he's 80 years old we shall go easy on the poor sod... :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 10, 2008, 02:57:45 PM
CAKE OR BED
>
> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
> 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
> 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN'
WRITTEN ON MY
> FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
> 'FINE!'
>
> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
> 'FINE!' SHE SAYS
> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
>
> 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
> WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR
WOODROW'
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE
PUB!!!!'
>
> SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
> COUPLE OF HOURS..............
>
> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
> TO GO HOME
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
> SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
> AND I TOLD HIM.
> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO
> BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
>
> HE SAID,
> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
>
> SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON
MY
> FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: milltown row on October 10, 2008, 03:06:00 PM
The priest is away on some business and checks into the hotel. On entering the room with the bell boy he asks the bell boy, "I hope that the porn channel is disabled?" at which point the bell boy says "no, its just normal porn, ya dirty fecker"
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 10, 2008, 04:56:58 PM
NASA launches a rocket with two monkeys and woman on board.

Houston to the 1st Monkey. "Adjust oxygen to 40% and carry out post launch checks."

Houston to the 2nd Monkey. "Throttle back, power down engines and adjust anti-gravitational shield."

Houston to the woman. "Feed the monkeys and touch fcuk all...."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 10, 2008, 06:15:15 PM
There is fall out in the para olympic games committee due to the sending home in disgrace of one the Irish contestants after he tested positive for WD40.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on October 10, 2008, 09:48:54 PM
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the DNA is the same and there is no dental records.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on October 10, 2008, 10:04:54 PM
VANILLA PUDDING ROBBERY

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were suprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat".

The robbers opened up the second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued untill all safes were opened. They did not find one Euro, Pound, diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.




                                                         The newspaper headline read:
















                              IRELANDS LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING



Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 11, 2008, 12:27:51 AM
Trojan terra


http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=fAYOVbyyPeA&feature=related
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Guillem2 on October 13, 2008, 12:50:52 PM
What's the capital of Iceland?



About £3.50.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 15, 2008, 11:43:15 AM
A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a trip to the races at Ayr to see and learn
about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in primary seven.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 15, 2008, 11:43:42 AM
Mexican Oysters
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
 
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
 
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
 
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
 
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
 
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
 
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
 
Sometimes the bull wins.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 15, 2008, 11:46:54 AM
Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll Guy behind the counter says " Male or Female"
Customer says "Female"
Counter Guy "Black or White"
Customer Guy "White"
Counter Guy "Christian or Muslim"
Customer says " What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter Guy " The Muslim one blows itself up"


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 15, 2008, 12:23:12 PM
Last week the wife was giving off to me for leaving the toilet seat up.
This week she's complaining about piss all over the toilet seat.

I wish to fcuk she would make her mind up.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the Deel Rover on October 15, 2008, 12:31:16 PM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be  confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of  your  time, I would like to....... "F*ck off!" said the old lady.
"I  haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.Quick as a flash  the  young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be  too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t All over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good  appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on October 16, 2008, 11:49:33 AM
Whats the definition of Optimism??

A Banker ironing five shirts for the week ahead


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Man went to the ATM to withdraw funds and screen said "Insufficient Funds"

He didn't know if it was his account or the Bank!!!


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on October 16, 2008, 01:27:01 PM
this may be a repost but I couldn't be arsed checking:

Why Parents Drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No  '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'  No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 17, 2008, 10:50:25 AM
Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for EUR100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?

Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made a profit of EUR898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government!!!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on October 17, 2008, 11:41:47 AM
Reports on the news have emphasised that it is important to look after your neighbours now that the cold weather is beginning.  I live beside an 84 year old woman and she hasn't checked in on me once.  To make matters worse the lazy bitch hasn't took her milk in for 4 days now.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 17, 2008, 11:43:26 AM
Quote from: SidelineKick on October 17, 2008, 11:41:47 AM
Reports on the news have emphasised that it is important to look after your neighbours now that the cold weather is beginning.  I live beside an 84 year old woman and she hasn't checked in on me once.  To make matters worse the lazy bitch hasn't took her milk in for 4 days now.

Hey, tell that one to your granny and see if she laughs! lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on October 17, 2008, 12:01:54 PM
The difference between men and women:

In 2 similar scenarios where a man / woman are having separate affairs they tell their partners they are staying at a friends house for the night.  Getting suspicious their partners phone their other half's 10 closest friends:

The man phones his partners friends only to find that all of them are up front and simply say that she has not stayed with them.

The woman phones her partners friends: 8 of them confirm that he spent the night while 2 of them say that he is still at their house.

:D Probably not far off the mark! Men are some craic wha?!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on October 20, 2008, 08:46:24 PM
I just went for my physical exam there at the Drs office - before the Dr even got started the nurse took one look at me and told me that she was no expert but it looked as though Id have to stop masturbating.


I asked her why


She says:





































"Because Im trying to take your blood pressure"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on October 22, 2008, 02:09:55 PM
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Watcher Pat on October 24, 2008, 11:23:46 AM
The Pope and the queen are in Vatican square. The Queen says "with one wave of my hand i can make all the british people cheer and wave here for hours"  She waves and the Brits go wild.. The Pope is pissed off and says " Ok with one nod of my head i can make all the Irish here cheer and wave for DAYS"



So he headbutts her....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 24, 2008, 02:14:15 PM
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'I dont
recognise you, are you in year four ?'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 24, 2008, 02:19:50 PM
Check the previous page 5 Sams... ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 24, 2008, 02:46:14 PM
 :-\ :-\....ah well it was funny enough to be posted twice :D :D

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mournerambler on October 24, 2008, 02:56:21 PM
Paddy was booking a flight over the phone & he was asked, "how many people are travelling with you?"
He says "i don't know it's your f**king plane" ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 24, 2008, 03:32:29 PM
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' 

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 

 

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'   

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' 

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' 

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 

 

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'   

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' 

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 

 

 

 

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: fitzroyalty on October 24, 2008, 05:33:04 PM
Just heard that this weeks Premiership fixtures have been cancelled due to irregular betting patterns..

Someone put a £10er on spurs
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on October 28, 2008, 11:05:20 PM
An American golfer playing a round in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.  Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and  poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh!  What happened?' the little Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.  Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.  'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'  And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.  I have to do something for him.  I'll  give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.  'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.  I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'  He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.  'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.'   And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.  How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's all?  Only once or twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 31, 2008, 12:06:25 PM
.The 1st Affair
> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt..
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
> 'You lying bastard!
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
> The 2nd Affair
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> but always talked about having a son.
> They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
> he had ever seen.
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
> be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'No, not this time!'
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
> A mortician was working late one night..
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved fo r posterity.'
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
> 'I have something to show
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase.
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
> The 4th Affair
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too.'
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
> The 5th Affair
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?'
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
> The bartender replied:
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
> with your wife?'
> The bartender replied:
> 'The same thing I'm doing
> to his business down here.'
>
>
> The 6th Affair
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly:
> 'I have something I must confess.'
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
> 'No,' he insisted,
> 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> her best friend, and your mother!'
> 'I know,' she replied.
> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 31, 2008, 12:37:39 PM
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey, This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now..'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.**

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on October 31, 2008, 01:55:45 PM
A Heart Warming story....

(http://images.onesite.com/my.telegraph.co.uk/user/cheech/20071121003412.jpg)

In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North western University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Some twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 31, 2008, 04:29:03 PM
I'm laughing myself silly at that joke  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 31, 2008, 04:54:54 PM
If Dan hadnt said "Elephant juice" to the animal in Chicago Zoo he might still be alive today.


PM me if you need explanation. No dont.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 03, 2008, 08:57:12 PM
NEWSFLASH!

Ross and Brand have had their names added to the Sachs Offender Register
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 04, 2008, 10:33:34 AM
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.



Paddy 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken'



Operator 'What is your location sir?'



Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'



Operator 'How do you spell that sir?'



Silence.



After a minute:-



Operator 'Are you there sir?'



Silence.



A minute later:-



Operator 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'



This goes on for another few minutes until:-



Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'



Paddy 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 04, 2008, 12:17:40 PM
What do Felipe Massa and Jean Charles De Menezes have in common?

Both are Brazilian and got fucked by a Glock.

-----------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton, F1 World Champion.
The last time a Brazilian got fucked that badly by an Englishman was at Stockwell Tube Station.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 04, 2008, 04:07:20 PM
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas. 
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident.  Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? '

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh -1- t when I tell you the price.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lynchbhoy on November 04, 2008, 04:55:36 PM
Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ...
OH, MY GOD!'



Silence followed!



Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of
mine!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on November 05, 2008, 01:59:30 AM
There was a young lass who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "forgive me Father for I have sinned."

The priest said, "confess your sins and you will be forgiven."

The young lass said, "Last nite my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young lass asked "will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bensars on November 07, 2008, 09:56:04 AM
Subject: FW: FW: Disorder in the American Courts                                               
                                                                                               










These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are  things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now  published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while  these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,  he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition  notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to  rephrase that?
____________ __________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an  autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing  law.


========================================================================
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 07, 2008, 10:17:51 AM
Q. Two cows standing in a field. Which one is on holiday?










A. The one with the wee calf.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on November 07, 2008, 10:24:06 AM
 :D Very good!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 07, 2008, 10:48:44 AM
Two cows standing in a field. One says to the other - "Here - what about this mad cow disease ..."

- "Doesn't bother me - I'm a duck."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 07, 2008, 12:10:48 PM
Q: Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?

A: It drove down the road and turned into a field


:D :D :D :D

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 07, 2008, 12:33:18 PM
Quote from: Onion Bag on November 07, 2008, 12:10:48 PM
Q: Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?

A: It drove down the road and turned into a field


:D :D :D :D



*Moves pointer slowly towards the Ban button*
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 07, 2008, 12:43:01 PM
C'mon Orior, i bet you at least smirked
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 07, 2008, 03:06:01 PM
I smiled :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 07, 2008, 03:16:47 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on November 07, 2008, 03:06:01 PM
I smiled :)

*Presses the Ban Ziggy button 20 times in quick succession*
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lfdown2 on November 07, 2008, 03:43:43 PM
*wishes orior would stop putting stars in and typing his actions!!*
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: billy the kid on November 07, 2008, 03:53:40 PM
Heres a something I got sent the other day and thought it might cheer a few up.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you
don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before
> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 09, 2008, 11:51:52 PM
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 09, 2008, 11:58:31 PM
Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?

A: A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 10, 2008, 12:01:18 AM
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"

"Yes" replies the cop.

He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"

"No" replies the cop.

"Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on November 10, 2008, 12:44:58 PM
A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The Therapist asks, 'What can I do for you? The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The Therapist raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the Therapist says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the Therapist then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the therapist says, ' Pardon me, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from Bupa.'.....................
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on November 10, 2008, 02:06:57 PM
Barack Obama has been dully elected the 44th American president. He is only president elect though, as he has yet to be ratified by the Cork Hurlers!!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 10, 2008, 03:01:10 PM
Quote from: Louth Exile on November 10, 2008, 02:06:57 PM
Barack Obama has been dully elected the 44th American president. He is only president elect though, as he has yet to be ratified by the Cork Hurlers!!


You're a bit late wit that one, it started on here last week.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 11, 2008, 11:48:36 AM
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 11, 2008, 04:05:48 PM
A recent study found the average Irishman walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means we're averaging about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be Irish ...!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on November 11, 2008, 05:02:21 PM
Q. Two Dublin girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.




Q. What does a Dublin girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.




Q. What do you call a 30 year old Dublin girl?

A. Granny.




Q. Why did the Dublin girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.



Q. What do you call a Dublin girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.



Q. What's the first question during an Dublin quiz night?
A. What you bleedin looking at?





Q. Two Dublin kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.



Q. What's the difference between a Dublin boy and a Dublin girl?
A. A Dublin girl has a higher sperm count.




Q. Three Dublin youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?
A. The car seats four.





Q. What's the most confusing day in Dublin?

A. Fathers day.




Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Dublin?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin in Dublin.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on November 12, 2008, 01:46:06 AM
Voted best joke in UK. 2007




  A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with   
    her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way     
    through the entrance.                                               
                                                                         
    The door greeter  says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice     
    children you've got there. Are they  twins?'                         
                                                                         
    The fat ugly woman stops  screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course
    they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the  youngest is seven.   
    Why the hell would you think  they're twins?..... Do you really     
    think they look  alike, you d*ckhead?'                               
                                                                         
    'Absolutely  not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone
    would shag you  twice!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 12, 2008, 09:21:21 AM
Quote from: RedandGreenSniper on November 12, 2008, 01:46:06 AM
Voted best joke in UK. 2007

I demand a recount.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2008, 02:15:06 PM
MORNING SEX



She was standing in the kitchen

Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast,

Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,

She turned and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,

'I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all;

Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her

'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2008, 02:59:09 PM
The Dublin Doctor

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day

 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

 

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? ' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the Blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs And shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

 

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2008, 04:16:13 PM
 

Why men do not write agony columns



Dear Walter:


I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2008, 04:43:59 PM
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could  put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2008, 04:48:08 PM
Jim decided to propose to Sandy,


but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to

confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that

Left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open

up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked   Sandy in the eyes and said....

'I too have a problem My penis is the same size as

an infant and I hope you could deal with that

once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you

and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.'

Sandy and Jim got married

and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Jim whisked   Sandy off to their hotel suite

and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. ..

As   Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants

she began to scream and run out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your penis was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is.....

8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 13, 2008, 11:33:04 AM
Lads/Ladies i've prob posted a joke similar to this b4 but sure have another laugh anyway...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have', explains the Manager. He goes

on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows', complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  the man replies, 'But we didn't use it !'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir', he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00'.

'That's correct', says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife'.

'But I didn't !' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad', the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 13, 2008, 11:38:55 AM
 :D very good! Never heard that one before!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on November 13, 2008, 12:52:19 PM
NEWSFLASH: Al Qaeda have hidden bombs in cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti
If they go off, it could spell disaster

Man with no arms and legs at the bus stop.
The bus pulls up and the driver says "alright mate, how are you getting on

Went into the butchers the other day, he says "I bet you a fiver you can't touch the meat on that shelf over there."
I said "I'm not betting on that."
He says: Why not?
I say "Because the steaks are too high

What do you call a Teletubby whose house has been broken into?
Tubby



Don't worry, I never even took off the coat
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 13, 2008, 04:13:15 PM
This is one of the crudest jokes you'll hear...




Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny???



You have to bite of the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 13, 2008, 05:18:09 PM
That's bad..... even for you.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on November 13, 2008, 05:26:38 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 13, 2008, 04:13:15 PM
This is one of the crudest jokes you'll hear...




Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny???



You have to bite of the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat...

That has just made me wanna vomit but im still laughing
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 14, 2008, 11:37:41 AM
A little story to warm your hearts

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,  more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They  chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch  breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home  to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she  had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank  cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the  house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment  and said...

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f---ing  bricks.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 14, 2008, 03:32:14 PM
A man walking along the street came across what he thought was a bomb, so he stayed back at a distance and phone 999 from his mobile.

"I think I have come across a bomb" he says to the operator.

"What makes you think its a bomb?" she replies.

"Well, its a brown bread sandwich with wires sticking out of it." says the man.

"A sandwich??? Well, is it tickin'?" asks the operator.

"No" says the man "it looks like beef!"

;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 14, 2008, 04:59:45 PM
Prince Charles takes up jogging

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 16, 2008, 09:49:42 PM
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St.Peter replies, "That's a question only God your creator can answer. " So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looking even more puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes."

The zebra (looking even more bemused) then says to St. Peter, "what - How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," St. Peter replies, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 10:56:26 AM
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' 
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 11:29:23 AM
Guy loses his right arm in a car accident and is off work for weeks.He gets more and more depressed till one dreich Monday he finally decides to end it all.
He is perched on a bridge over the M8, ready to jump when, lo and behold, he sees a man without any arms skipping and dancing along the pavement towards him.
Intrigued by this unusual sight, he jumps down, accosts the guy and asks,
'I have lost only one arm and am feeling suicidal. You have no arms at all so why are you happily skipping and dancing down the street?'

'My arse is itchy!'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 17, 2008, 12:02:02 PM
Thats cruel. Finish the story please.

Did the one-arm bloke scratch the arse of the otherbloke? I needs to know. Its making me feel itchy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 12:07:44 PM
Use you're imagination Orior...lol


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 12:08:06 PM
> The Old Cowboy
> Ya think you have lived to be 69 and know what you
> are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens!
>
> An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup
> of coffee.
> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next
> to him.
>
> She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
> cowboy?'
> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
> colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
> bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on
> tractors, and feeding my dogs,
> so I guess I am a cowboy.'
>
> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
> about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
> shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even
> think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
> women.'
>
> The two sat sipping in silence.
>
> A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of
> the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
>
> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out
> that I'm a lesbian.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 12:09:22 PM
I was in town there on Saturday and I saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo.....

I thought, that's a bit ABoriginal..........lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 12:20:54 PM
this one may have been posted b4...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>>
>> Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
>>
>> 'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. You're on my list  but I have
>> no room for you.
>>
>> As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let
>> someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as
>> bad as you.
>> I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
>> even let you decide who leaves.'
>>
>> George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>> The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a
>> large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
>> Such was his fate in hell.
>>
>> 'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
>> don't think I could do that all day long.'
>>
>> The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
>> sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
>> hammer, time after time.
>>
>> 'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
>> constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'
>> commented George.
>>
>> The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
>> on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
>> staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
>> doing what she does best.
>>
>> George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
>>
>> Yeah, I can handle this.'
>>
>> The devil smiled and said ;
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 17, 2008, 12:25:54 PM
 A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

      She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

      So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other side.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"


      "No" she said, "I was a prostitute in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 17, 2008, 01:38:09 PM
LEARN TO DRIVE A GERMAN CAR

In the single European Market, we must learn to adapt to our fellow Europeans and their products, including Germany and their cars. In this short, but informative guide, I will attempt to translate the rather complicated German Descriptions, into more sensible English Ones.

Indicators.................. Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet.................. Pullknob und Knucklechopper
Exhaust.................. Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer.................. Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Clutch.................. Die Kuplink mit Schlippen und Schaken
Puncture.................. Die Phlatt mit Bludy****en
Learner.................. Die ****ten mit Elplatz
Estate Car.................. Der Bagmeroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking Meter.................. Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwer
Windscreen Wiper.................. Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredden
Foot Brake.................. Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen
Gear Lever.................. Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Breathalyser................. .................. Die Pufflintem fur Pisten****n
Rear View Mirror.................. Der Yokunter Tecklosen
Seat Belt... .................. Der klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights .................. Das Dippendontdazzelubastad
Exhaust Fumes....... .................. Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
Highway Code......... .................. Der Wipan fur ****n
Fog Warning.... .................. Die puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt
Traffic Jam.................. .................. Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblasten
Rear Seat.................. Der Schpringentester
Tyres......... .................. Flattfahrts
Backfire.... .................. Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut .................. Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident... .................. Der Bledinmess
Near Accident... .................. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 17, 2008, 02:02:14 PM
A man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher "I wanna buy that duck in the window".

"What duck?" says the butcher.

"That one there!" replies the man pointin to the duck.

"Jesus" says the butcher shaking his head, "thats a night owl".

The man replies "I don't care if it's a fortnight oul I'm still looking it!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 17, 2008, 03:03:00 PM
Useful and enlightening insight into how Google search technology actually works...

http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html (http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html)


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 18, 2008, 11:22:56 AM
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi, she is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 18, 2008, 12:06:42 PM
I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil...

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

Just one lady in front of me............An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .



She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'



The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'



The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 18, 2008, 03:16:46 PM
Personally I'd have took the garden spade to the F**king cat but here goes...

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.    Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe   Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.    Ignore low growls emitted by cat.    Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.    Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.    Get another pill.    Open another beer.    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.    Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.    Drink beer.    Fetch bottle of scotch.    Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.    Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.    Toss back another shot.    Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.    Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.    Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak    Be rough about it.    Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.    Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.    Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.   

 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 19, 2008, 09:46:07 AM
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 19, 2008, 11:27:02 AM
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? '

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 19, 2008, 11:48:07 AM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 19, 2008, 08:43:22 PM
They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 19, 2008, 08:57:13 PM
Quote from: gerry on November 19, 2008, 08:43:22 PM
They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197.

Yes Gerry, but doing it on your own doesn't count.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 19, 2008, 09:50:42 PM
O feck that means i will be be about till i am over 200 then
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on November 19, 2008, 10:33:04 PM
Quote from: Orior on November 19, 2008, 08:57:13 PM
Quote from: gerry on November 19, 2008, 08:43:22 PM
They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197.

Yes Gerry, but doing it on your own doesn't count.

Must be a lot of virgins on this board so......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 20, 2008, 10:59:41 AM
Thats a joke!!!

Ill get my coat :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 20, 2008, 11:20:49 AM
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's
personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)

BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.

WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you're in!

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......
.
SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work
out how to get you to bed!

IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

CIDER
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

WINE
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 20, 2008, 11:49:16 AM
Where'd you get that illdecide?  Very good!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 20, 2008, 12:13:39 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on November 20, 2008, 11:49:16 AM
Where'd you get that illdecide?  Very good!

Got it e-mailed by one of the mates...it's a good one :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 20, 2008, 04:50:41 PM
Why men aren't agony aunts (or uncles):

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Smith


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum
pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: wherefromreferee? on November 20, 2008, 05:11:37 PM
Keep up SidelineKick, Page 63!  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 20, 2008, 05:14:32 PM
Ah feck i knew it was either on here or an email i seen it lately.  Decided not to bother checking back.  Turns out i should have  :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 20, 2008, 05:15:20 PM
Lazy fecker
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on November 20, 2008, 05:15:55 PM
Accept my apologies Ziggy  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on November 21, 2008, 08:58:31 AM
George Bush & Israeli Mossad!

After numerous rounds of 'We  don't even know  if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George  Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the  game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

        370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could  solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to  MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a  minute  Mossad emailed the White House with this  reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside  down'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 21, 2008, 10:46:12 AM
A young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.



    The sign says:







'SEX FROGS'

Only £20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.     

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'


 

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!


 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.


 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1 . Take a shower.

2 . Splash on some nice perfume.

3 . Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.


 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'


 

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'


 

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:




 


 

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE  MORE TIME!!!' 





Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on November 21, 2008, 02:16:14 PM
AN OLDIE BUT STILL A GOODIE!!!



The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen
named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond
woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her
back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they
retired to his bedroom, where he 'rattled' her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked, with a smile, 'So,
you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the lovemaking
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion. The lovemaking finally
ended and again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
again. Using the last of h is strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 21, 2008, 05:03:53 PM
My money is on Martina Navratilova to win "i'm a celebrity get me out of here". She's been eating Bush Tucker for years...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 24, 2008, 03:37:05 PM
Things that make men proud of themselves... :D


>1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
>effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
>men's work.
>
>2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
>kids makes you the man.
>
>3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Roy Keane
>tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
>crippling the man. Magic.
>
>4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here
>love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
>
>5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and-
>as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
>rubbish
>- noisy destruction.
>
>6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat
>on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
>towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone
>else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
>
>7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
>
>8. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
>they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
>hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
>like.
>
>9. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - visual code that says that's
right,
>I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
>
>10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can
>safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
>
>11. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick
that
>Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
>
>12. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
>you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest
>of the pub doesn't know that.
>
>13. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
>Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
>
>14. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to
the
>blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you
>are now your dad.
>
>15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
>
>16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
>rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
>item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
>
>17. TAKING OUT ?500 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
>plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
>only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
>
>18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
>straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Pints? Black Lion? Laurels, it is
>then. Seven? See ya there."
>
>19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
>that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes
>you the worlds best driver.
>
>20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in
>the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand
there
>in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
>while the other nurses a foaming jug of larger. Aaaah.
>
>21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH- A Phillips? For that? Are you
>mad?"
>
>22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't
>make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 24, 2008, 03:53:31 PM
check this out, hilarious!!!

"In 2003, Celtic's UEFA Cup final year, I went on a bus from Shawlands, Glasgow to the Celtic v Blackburn game at Ewood Park. We won 2-0 and wanted to celebrate after the match, so we asked the driver to take us to Blackpool. At first he refused and after we had a whip round and gave him 80 quid he agreed to take us for a few hours.

I can't remember the name of the pub, but we were in there a few hours, got a wee lock in an nat. Anyway, the driver came into the pub and told us to get ready to leave for Glasgow, we had five minutes.
We were well oiled and slowly and drunkenly made our way to the bus.

On the bus we were all getting comfy for a wee kip on the way home, when someone from the pub came running out shouting that we'd left one of the boys behind. We were all ignoring the driver's pleas to go and get him, so the driver and a few of the barstaff brought this 20 stone bear of a guy out of the pub. He was steamin' and well asleep. They huffed and puffed him onto the bus and laid him on the floor in the aisle between the seats.

We didn't really take much notice as we were pashed ourselves and trying to get a kip.

Thing is, the guy was snoring like a freacking train and about 10 miles north of Gretna my cousin Brian woke up asking what the heck the noise was.

As a few more of us woke up we looked at the lump of a guy on the floor. Some of the guys tried to wake him up but had no luck, then oor Brian said that the guy wasnae on the bus on the way down to Blackburn.

I was laughing ma ershe off and said that I hope he doesnae stay in Blackpool.

Anyway, one of the guys had a look for the guy's wallet to see if he had some ID on him. He found a driving license and it had an address in Hamilton on it. So we told the driver to drop him off.

When we got to the guy's house we had to drag him off the bus as he still wouldn't wake up. We managed to get his keys out his pocket and open his front door. We laid him on his couch and left his keys on the mantlepiece and left.

As we closed the front door behind us and we were walking down his drive one of his neighbours was coming in from the nightshift and she said. 'If you're looking for big Tam, he's away to Blackpool with the wife and kids for a fortnight.


Wonder what he did when he woke up?????? "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 25, 2008, 11:08:43 AM
This is an oldie but still a good wan...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 25, 2008, 03:19:12 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.



When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.



One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.. Her natural beauty took his breath away.



"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."



Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at financial planning than men.......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: KCGaelicFootball on November 25, 2008, 08:11:32 PM
Quote from: el_cuervo_fc on November 10, 2006, 01:02:40 PM
Xmas is coming

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

Ah feck I nearly had every one in my dept. here in the hospital I work at jump out their damn skin.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 25, 2008, 08:14:58 PM
Quote from: KCGaelicFootball on November 25, 2008, 08:11:32 PM
Quote from: el_cuervo_fc on November 10, 2006, 01:02:40 PM
Xmas is coming

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

Ah feck I nearly had every one in my dept. here in the hospital I work at jump out their damn skin.

I was just about to listen to that. Thanks for the warning, think I'll give it a miss ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 25, 2008, 08:29:57 PM
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and

that's how the fight started....

*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her

the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And

that's how the fight started.


************************************************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was

very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The

woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When

I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your

pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the

fight started.....


************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone

at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,

'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right

after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been

sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person

could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He

stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one

are you?' And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He

said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for

herself.' And that's how the fight started.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on November 26, 2008, 04:15:24 PM
Patient: "Have they sent the results of my test yet"

Doctor: "Yes. It's not good news I'm afraid"

Patient: "Christ doc, how long have I got to live?"

Doctor: "Ten...."

Patient: "Ten what? Months? weeks?

Doctor: "nine, eight, seven, six......"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 27, 2008, 10:22:27 AM
 Christmas Card From Investment Banker

 

 
Let's Sing together everybody~~~~

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

 

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise

Recession is coming to town

 

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

 

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

 

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk

So keep out for goodness sake,

 

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 27, 2008, 02:38:21 PM
Some you've heard b4 and some are new so here goes...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
                     I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'                     
                         -----------------------                         
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
                           a turtle disaster.                           
                         ------------------------                         
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I 
                         said, 'No, permanent.'                         
                         -----------------------                         
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
   you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'   
                       ----------------------------                       
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best 
                               before End'                               
                       ---------------------------                       
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 
                           'No, just a watch.'                           
                     ------------------------------                     
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke 
               said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'               
                       --------------------------                       
         My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.         
                         ------------------------                         
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 
                         'You've got cholera.'                           
                       ---------------------------                       
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, 
                     its P something T something R.                     
                       ----------------------------                       
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it   
                                 down.                                   
                       ----------------------------                       
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just 
                             went on and on.                             
                       ---------------------------                       
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? 
               I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'                 
                       --------------------------                       
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for 
                             the custard.'                               
                         ----------------------                         
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
             He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'             
                       --------------------------                       
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
   I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you   
                               anything.'                               
                       ----------------------------                       
   I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip   
           outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'           
                     --------------------------------                     
   This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'     
                       --------------------------                       
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes 
     first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'     
                     ------------------------------                     
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd 
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to 
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me 
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and 
       asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'       
                         ----------------------                         
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a 
                             cat in there.                               
                       -------------------------                         
   I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the   
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two 
                                 counts.                                 
                         ------------------------                         
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I 
         said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.           
                       ---------------------------                       
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the 
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
                               Thursdays.'                               
                     --------------------------------                     
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' 
           He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'           
                     --------------------------------                     
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing 
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.' 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 28, 2008, 07:36:56 PM
Just went into a pub down the road there on the way home to meet a fella to pay for a job he did on my car, not my local.  Anyway, on Sky News they were showing the shooting "firefight" between the authorities and the terrorists in Mumbai on Sky News and there was a reporter lying on the ground with the usual bullets flying overhead. Then it showed a scene of fellas firing auto's into the hotel where the terrorists were and there was this oul lad sitting at the bar and without raising the head outa the pint in front of him he says " I see they are at it in Limerick again" !

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Open yer eyes Man on November 28, 2008, 08:47:30 PM
With Lewis Hamilton recently being crowned the Formula 1 World Champion for 2008 and Barack Obama being made the President of America and king of the free world, it has never been a cooler time to be black.

I'm sure Michael Jackson is kicking himself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 28, 2008, 11:50:17 PM
Darling claims "first shoots of recovery" as 101 new jobs are created in the call centre industry
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 28, 2008, 11:50:48 PM
America has offered to send in the 7th Cavalry to Mumbai, apparently they have some experience in dealing with Indians.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 28, 2008, 11:54:25 PM
Spurred on by the attacks in Mumbai, Muslim terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford and are shooting anyone with a British passport.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 12.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Frankie Boy on November 29, 2008, 01:57:29 AM
I don't get any of those, gerry.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 03, 2008, 10:18:58 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
   The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
   Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
   obnoxious and laced with profanity.

   

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
   consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
   anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

   Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
   The parrot yelled back.
   
   John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

   John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
   bird and shoved him in the freezer.

   

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
   Then suddenly there was total quiet. 
   Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

   Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
   John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
   
   The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
   arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
   with my rude language and actions.
   I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
   and I fully intend to do everything I can to
   correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
   
   John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
   As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
   dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....

   ........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 03, 2008, 11:20:36 AM
This letter was sent to the Camps Bay High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Campsbay High School,
               
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Goodwood Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one,
she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to f " ck off.
       
Thank you for that opportunity.
       
Sincerely,
       
Edna   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on December 04, 2008, 12:22:09 PM
Just got an advent calendar from Woolworths.

All the windows were boarded up.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 04, 2008, 02:26:41 PM
An  attorney got home late one evening, after a very tough day trying to get a 
stay of  execution for a client who was due to be hanged for  murder at midnight. 

His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and
he was feeling  worn out and depressed. 

As soon as he got through the door at home,  his wife started on him about,
'What time of night do you call this? Where have  you been?' And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this  familiar ritual, he went and poured himself
a shot of whisky and headed off for  a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks. 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told  that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted his stay of execution  after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible  day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give
him the good news.    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her 
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and  feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he  whirled around and screamed, 'JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN!  DON'T YOU EVER  STOP?!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 04, 2008, 02:34:03 PM
Subject: An Ann Summers Fatality
>
>
> A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
>
> He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
>
> He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
>
> Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
>
> So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
>
> His funeral is this Thursday.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on December 04, 2008, 08:05:03 PM
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on December 05, 2008, 02:13:57 PM
A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, 'Don't laugh!'
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a triple-A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' the man replied.
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on December 05, 2008, 02:15:02 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me .'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease...
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates...'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 05, 2008, 02:17:18 PM
FIRST DATE

                 If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I
hope you're sitting
                 down when you read it. This is probably the
funniest date story ever,
                 first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates
but this takes the cake.

                 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first
                 date that a woman ever had.

                 The winner des cribed her worst first date
experience. There was
                 absolutely no question as to why her tale took
the prize!

                 She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite
cold...and the guy
                 had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City , Utah .

                 It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, after all,
                 and truly had never met before.

                 The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed
                 home late that afternoon.

                 They were driving back down the mountain, when
she gradually began
                 to realize that she should not have had that
extra latte.

                 They were about an hour away from anywhere
with a rest room and in
                 the middle of nowhere!

                 Her companion suggested she try to hold it,
which she did for a
                 while.

                 Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came
                 a point where she told him that he had better
stop and let her go
                 beside the road, or it would be the front seat
of his car. They stopped and
                 she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
her pants down and
                 started.

                 In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt
                 rest against the rear fender to steady
herself.

                 Her companion stood on the side of the car
watching for traffic and
                 indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she
                 could think about was the relief she felt
despite the rather embarrassing
                 nature of the situation. Upon finishing
however, she soon became
                 aware of another sensation.

                 As she bent to pull up her pants, the young
lady discovered her
                 buttocks were firmly glued against the car's
fender.

                 Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
immediately came to mind as she
                 attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy
metal. It was quickly
                 apparent that she had a brand new problem due
to the extreme cold.

                 Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the
humo r of the moment,
                 she answered her date's concerns about 'what
is taking so long' with a
                 reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt
off' and in need of some
                 assistance!


                 He came around the car as she tried to cover
herself with her
                 sweater and then, as she looked imploringly
into his eyes, he burst out
                 laughing.

                 She too, got the giggles and when they finally
managed to compose
                 themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

                 Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced
                 with a real problem. Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her
                 chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

                 Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first
                 place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her
                 free.

                 So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to
                 unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender. As the audience screa med
                 in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps
                 that should be 'pants down.' And you thought
your first date was
                 embarrassing.

                 Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new
meaning to being
                 pissed off.

                 Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He
became her husband and
                 was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 05, 2008, 02:55:07 PM
The CIA have been training Barak Obama on how to react in the event of a suicide attempt, every time they shout get down, he starts dancing!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 08, 2008, 03:58:42 PM
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally. 




-Ever wondered why



Because she smells like a new car  
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on December 08, 2008, 04:58:03 PM
Typical Builders


This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your
Belief in the goodness of people and that there is
Hope for the human race.


A young family moved into a house next door to an
Empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers
Turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
Took an interest in all the activity going on next
Door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all
With hearts of gold, more or less adopted the
Little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they
Had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
To do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and
Gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders
Presented her with a pay envelope containing two
Pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
Home to her mother who suggested that they take
The money to the bank the next day to open a
Savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink
Listening to the little girl telling her about her
'work' on the building site and the fact she had a
'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this',
Said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked
Every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're
Building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will
You be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said
Seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons
Deliver the f**king bricks.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on December 08, 2008, 05:51:17 PM
Two pensioners are engaging in a bit of oral sex when the oul boy says to the woman 'I can't keep this up for much longer cuz its stinkin down there'.
The oul doll replies 'Oh sorry, thats my arthritis'
'What, arthritis in your f*nny?' he says.
'No, arthritis in my arm. i can't wipe my arse right.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 09, 2008, 10:49:35 AM
A Paki girl from Bradford writes a problem page letter:

"Dear Deidree, I'm a 13 year old girl and i'm still a virgin. Do you think my brother is queer?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 09, 2008, 10:52:29 AM
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on December 09, 2008, 11:11:54 AM
QuoteA Paki girl from Bradford writes a problem page letter:

"Dear Deidree, I'm a 13 year old girl and i'm still a virgin. Do you think my brother is queer?"

Does this joke really need the racist slur to work?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 09, 2008, 11:18:25 AM
Yes...So wind your neck in a bit...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 09, 2008, 11:40:57 AM
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally....

'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
 
She went back to find out what was going on.
 
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
 
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
 
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
 
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
 
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
 
'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Off The Fence on December 10, 2008, 04:01:40 PM

A little boy ask his dad "what is politics?" 

The father says "well son, lets explain it to you this way. I am the head of the family so call me An Taoiseach, your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We exist to take care of your needs so we call you The People. The nanny we call the Working Class. And you baby brother, we call him The Future.

The boy goes to bed, thinking about all of this. In the middle of the night, he is awakened to his baby brother crying. He checks on him and discovers that the child has a soiled nappy.  He goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep, alone. He proceeds to the nanny's room where he finds his father in bed with the nanny.

The next morning his father asks him does he now understand the term politics? The boy replies that the Taoiseach is screwing the working class while the government sleeps The People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2008, 04:27:13 PM

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
People, Mary or Jack... It was an impossible decision because they were
Both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
Night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her
And said: "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you
Or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says...... "I feel like shit."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 11, 2008, 01:17:26 AM
Quote from: Santino on December 08, 2008, 05:51:17 PM
Two pensioners are engaging in a bit of oral sex when the oul boy says to the woman 'I can't keep this up for much longer cuz its stinkin down there'.
The oul doll replies 'Oh sorry, thats my arthritis'
'What, arthritis in your f*nny?' he says.
'No, arthritis in my arm. i can't wipe my arse right.'

Heard that one years ago.....still a classic :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 11, 2008, 10:46:34 AM
Not really that funny but wrth reading:

THE VALUE OF A DRINK


'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame   Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~ Frank Sinatra ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright  ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go
nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry ~
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers',
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 11, 2008, 12:21:02 PM
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that, when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.  He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, 'Why Timothy?'
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 'We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Our Nail Loney on December 12, 2008, 09:57:18 AM
Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

Because it's f**king massive.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the fastest cake in the word?

Scone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats got 2 wings, 8 legs and 3 heads?

A man on a horse holding a parrot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do the Inland Revenue and a pelican have in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until it's Bill Withers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a dog drink?

Liquidise the f**ker.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

Thomas the ****.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Our Nail Loney on December 12, 2008, 09:58:54 AM
This guy is buying a house. And as most people do when buying properties, especially in the current financial climate, he has a look inside.

"oh what a boring house this is" says the man. (let's just call him John) You see, inside the house is nothing but grey. A very boring very grey house.

EXCEPT!!! There is one door. one door that is not grey my friends, but a mix between purple and blue.

So John opens the purpley-blue door, and sees to his amazement a purpley-blue world.

There's purpley-blue grass, purpley-blue rivers, a purpley-blue postman that allways delivers.

purpley-blue dogs, purpley-blue cats, purpley-blue people wearing purpley-blue hats.

so he walks up to a purpley-blue tree, and feeling mighty peckish, he picks a purpley-blue apple, and takes a bite.

at that moment he hears a noise

"ello ello ello, wassallthisthen" says the purpley-blue Policement.

"i was just eating a purpley-blue apple," says john.

"can't do that" says the purpley-blue policeman "you aint purpley-blue!"

after a lengthy exchange between cop and criminal, it is decided that John is under arrest.


The purpley-blue policeman drags john to the purpley-blue police station, down some purpley-blue stairs and into the purpley-blue prisons.

He drags John to a purpley-blue cell, opens the purpley-blue door and says


INDIGO
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: youngfella on December 13, 2008, 01:58:06 PM
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa: wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America: well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India: sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France: deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia: a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work ismostlythe only answer.

- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia: vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66and 70, a woman is like Mongolia: a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...

And now the male

MALE GEOGRAPHY
Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2008, 11:28:37 AM
I'm pretty sure this has been done before but i couldn't be bothered checking...

Peter Kay One Liners


1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't
  work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the  Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the
lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and
  said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
  From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Aren't you going to help?'
   I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand,
   such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle  gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then
   raced against the flush.

11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warnings when you're a kid, you have never met anybody who has had
   their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir
    paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,  'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things
    here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch
    when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is
   baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe,
   you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch
   it to make sure?   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2008, 11:31:08 AM
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.
> The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
> liquor touch my lips!'
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a
> choice!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
> people are flying with you?'
>
> Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
> 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
> LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
>
> 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3
> hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting
> on'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses
> & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
>
> 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. What have a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
>
> A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get
> a dodgy one!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
> servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it
> was a death trap!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy's chat up lines:
>
> 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
> 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
> 3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
> 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
> 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts
> tighten up!
> 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only
> a light switch away!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on
> Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
> to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that
> tall!'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
> mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
>
> Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like
> it!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight
> for a Jew!'
>
> She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
> Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile
> phones!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
> stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts
> like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
> f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2008, 11:38:47 AM
The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 17, 2008, 05:06:23 PM
This has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin :-\


The Perils of Christmas Shopping


A young man called Ronan from Craigavon wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Bleary.

Ronan consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Debenhams and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Debenhams had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ronan unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Ronan sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

"Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ronan.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 17, 2008, 05:23:54 PM
QuoteThis has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin

This joke dates back to the 19th century, so long ago that it is before Down won their All Irelands.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 17, 2008, 05:44:48 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 17, 2008, 05:23:54 PM
QuoteThis has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin

This joke dates back to the 19th century, so long ago that it is before Down won their All Irelands.


Excellent reply Armaghniac......as usual..... ::)


Note that the phrase in bold above in your quote is in the plural
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 17, 2008, 06:00:35 PM
QuoteExcellent reply Armaghniac......as usual.....

It was quickly composed, had I thought about I would have said "many years before Down won their first Ulster championship".

QuoteNote that the phrase in bold above in your quote is in the plural

Thanks to my good education at the Abbey, at least I didn't write All Ireland's!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on December 17, 2008, 06:03:04 PM

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the
backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting
there..


'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I
told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting
from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a load of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner
what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte.
Title: A Cavan Divorce
Post by: armaghniac on December 17, 2008, 06:08:15 PM
A Cavan man calls his son in new York a couple of days before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in LA and tell her".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls home to Cavan immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling  my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2008, 11:10:06 AM
The troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense
of humour with the following
'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbour's goat.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2008, 11:10:44 AM
PINTS IRISH




An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I'm  driving!'





Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2008, 12:49:38 PM







LITTLE PADDY ON MATH








A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 b irds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   


She calls on little PADDY.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, b ut I like your thinking.'


Then little PADDY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little PADDY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE PADDY ON MATH (Part 2)




Little PADDY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.


'Why?' asks the father?


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies PADDY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.


'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the f#*cking difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'







LITTLE PADDY ON ENGLISH




Little PADDY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does any b ody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


PADDY says 'Mas-tur- b ate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little PADDY, that's a mouthful.'


Little PADDY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob .'







LITTLE PADDY ON GRAMMAR




Little PADDY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, PADDY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'


Little PADDY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'






LITTLE PADDY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)




One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ' b eautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked b eautiful in it.'

 
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a b eautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little PADDY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#*cking beautiful!''




LITTLE PADDY ON GETTING OLDER




Little PADDY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little PADDY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little PADDY answered, 'No, he minded his own f#*cking business.






I LOVE Little PADDY!!!!!



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on December 18, 2008, 04:41:04 PM
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/07/19/to-each-his-own-microwave/
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2008, 11:16:39 AM
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks
at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,
'Is your date runninglate?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to
talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken
because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast'.......' Can I buy you a drink?  '
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2008, 11:31:45 AM
A CHRISTMAS POEM "WEST BELFAST STYLE"

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

But out in the driveway a baseball capped hood, Was stood by my car and up to no good.

A screwdriver he placed in the lock of the Ford, And in no time at all the engine had roared.
The children who should have been snug in their beds, were necking the cider and out of their heads.

While I tried to take a nice winter's nap, the smicks at the corner put on gansta rap.

So I jumped in a black hack and went to see Pete, A cousin of mine who lives off Albert Street.

The driver was smoking so I sat in the back, When suddenly I felt a tremendous big whack.

The fella behind us had braked far too late, By the look of him he'd had a few over eight.

The woman beside me in jammies and slippers, Gave me the name of their lawyer, "he's great with the whippers".

I started to walk, it was cold but quite fine, Then nipped into the boozer for a glass of mulled wine.

Inside was a typical Christmas scene, The beep and the buzz of the poker machine.

The juke box playing a Cliff Richard song, With four drunken pool players singing along.

I drank up for I knew I'd a long way to go, And hadn't got far when it started to snow.

My face was soon frozen, my two feet quite numb, When before me appeared a girl and her chum.

"Hi mister", she said, "could you give us a light" and under that streetlamp I got quite a fright.

Her face was bright orange, her hands they were blue, And on the back of the right one was an "Anto" tattoo.

I muttered "no, sorry" and went on my way, And her chum said she thought I was definitely gay.

A roar and a blur and I dived to the right. As a kid on a quad emerged from the night.

Now wet and dirty and thoroughly depressed. Cursing my luck and clearly distressed.

I turned the next corner and what did I find. But a gang of street drinkers with mischief in mind.

Blue bags, blue bottles and boxes of beer, Those boozers perked up when they saw me appear.

I thought it was best to cross over the street. When they all crossed too, I went white as a sheet.

I took to my heels with the smicks on my tail. And soon was caught up by the gangs alpha male.

He jumped on my back and we fell to the snow. And as I struggled I thought, what a way to go.

But suddenly I spied a big white Land Rover, And as quick as it started the trouble was over.

The top Trevor asked if I wanted a lift. As he picked me out of that chilly snowdrift.

I said I was grateful that he'd helped me out. But I don't want the neighbours to call me a tout.

So I pulled out my mobile to phone up a cab, But I used all my credit on too much oul' gab.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear. But Santa, a sleigh and eight big reindeer.

As Santa stroked Rudolf and petted his fur. Big Trevor asked, is this your vehicle sir?

Poor Santa looked kind of resigned to his fate, When Trevor discovered his tax out of date.

And St Nicholas tested the big cop's endurance. When he said he'd forgotten to renew his insurance.

And then for the kids Christmas died a sad death. When the coppers smelt Smirnoff upon Santa's breath.

As Santa was thrown in the back of the Jeep. With his beard all atremble, he started to weep.

And I heard him exclaim as he looked back at me. "Collusion's not an illusion and SS RUC".

I trudged home in anger, with thoughts dark and dire, Got changed and then took my old seat by the fire.

I made a hot whiskey with lemon and lime. And watched Home Alone for the 48th time.

And as midnight Mass bells pealed soft in the night. I nodded of thinking that Christmas was shite.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the Deel Rover on December 19, 2008, 11:35:46 AM
My 6 year old told me this one last night , if your irish when you go into the toilet and irish when you come out of the toilet what are you when your in the Toilet ??

Answer            your a peeing


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on December 19, 2008, 11:39:34 AM
What have the films Titanic & The Sixth Sense got in common?


Icy dead people.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2008, 11:49:07 AM
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

"And this is my thi rd son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 19, 2008, 12:01:24 PM
When reposting your own jokes, IllDecide, why not just say see Page 41?  (http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?topic=121.600)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2008, 12:26:06 PM
Well to be honest i get that many almost everyday i don't have the time to check back 40 odd pages to see if it has been posted before...Sorry for this administrative error, i will try to cut this out in the future...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 19, 2008, 12:26:55 PM
So what page was this posted on before... ;)

> Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole when
> a stranger carrying a new golf bag called out to them,
>
>
> "Hey! Do you guys mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
>
>
> "Sure," they said, "come on." They started playing. They enjoyed
> the game, the day, and the company of the newcomer.
>
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the stranger,
> "What do you do for a living?"
>
>
> "I'm an assassin," was the tearse reply.
>
>
> "You're joking!" was their shocked response.
>
>
> "No, I'm not," he said. He reached into his golf bag and pulled
> out a magnificent H & K sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
> "Here one of my tools."
>
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
> I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
>
> He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
> direction of his house.
>
>
> "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
> can see right in the window. Wow... I can see my wife in our
> bedroom... and.... she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my next door
> neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too!"
>
>
> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
>
> "For you, given the circumstances, I'll give you a flat rate. A
> thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."
>
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
>
> "First, shoot my wife. She's always been a big mouth, so shoot her
> in the mouth."
>
>
> "Then shoot my neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
> dick off. Teach him a lesson."
>
>
> The hit man took the rifle and aimed, standing perfectly still for
> several minutes.
>
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer, impatiently.
>
>
> "Just take it easy," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
> you a grand here..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 22, 2008, 09:39:36 PM
Q. What do JFK, Barrack Obama and John Lennon have in common?


A. Nothing....... yet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 05, 2009, 11:48:25 AM
I was felling very depressed last night, so I called the Samaritans. I got a call centre in Afghanistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked me could I drive a truck.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 05, 2009, 12:05:19 PM
My next door neighbours got me a watch for Christmas. They're lesbians.

When they asked me what I would like for Christmas I said I wanna watch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 05, 2009, 05:14:38 PM
Gun shop owner: "Hi, how can I help you?"

Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."

Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"

Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case) "That one looks about right."

Owner: (very surprised): "Why do you need a .44 magnum?"

Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."

Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."

Client: (pointing again at the .44) "Nah, I need this one."

Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"

Client: "Mexi-cans.... Puertori-cans.... Afri-cans.... Maro-cans...."
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on January 05, 2009, 05:52:16 PM
Couple of classics from Overheard in Dublin.

Was nursin a pint in a pub in Portobello last weekend waitin on a mate. The publican had the news on the telly and the sport came on showing footage of that Irish girl who won the boxing title in China beatin the head off the chinese girl. Same fella then says "Jayzus if she told ye to be home at 6 you'd be home at 5!" Nearly fell off the stool.

Overheard by Horsebox, A pub in Portobello
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008




Not overheard per se, but overseen - on a bin beside a 46A stop on the Stillorgan dualler. The bin has "LITTER" written on it, and some legend added a "c" and "us".

What does that give us?

cLITERus

Brilliant.

Overheard by Neil, The dualler
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008



on the 51 nitelink on a saturday night. a smartarse lad was doing his best to chat up these two howiyas....

lad..."i'd show you the night of your life"

one of the girls..."you would in your hole"

lad.."no....i would in YOUR hole"

Overheard by anonymous, 51N
Posted on Thursday, 04th December 2008







Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 08, 2009, 04:34:27 PM
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.

My Dad told me, "Son, never open the cellar door!"
But I couldn't resist. I opened it and saw things I'd never seen before: grass, sky, trees...

I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 08, 2009, 05:11:46 PM
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on  offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to  radio station 103..2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jelly fish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. "So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. 'Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?   May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 08, 2009, 05:12:58 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it ,you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 08, 2009, 05:17:48 PM
What do you call an Orange man that knows a thousand tunes?


An I-Prod

I'll get my coat...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 08, 2009, 05:23:15 PM

  There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.


Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.


The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


 


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!




 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Square Ball on January 12, 2009, 03:58:24 PM
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on  offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to  radio station
103..2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of
year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jelly fish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of
my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he, along with five other divers, was all laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to
make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the
fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen
shut. "So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now
repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. 'Now
whenever
you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?   May
you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on January 12, 2009, 04:45:57 PM
Echo, Echo Echo!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on January 12, 2009, 04:59:27 PM
A 60 year old man is celebrating his birthday and is doing his messages about the town.  He goes into the bookies, puts on a few bets then says to the girl behind the counter:

"What age do you think I am today?"  "God I don't know" says the girl, I'm not good at guessing ages, "49".

"Nope, I'm 60 today" he says with a big smile, happy he looks so young.

He then goes into the bakery to get a few scones.

"What age do you think I am today?"  he says to the woman behind the counter.  "Jesus I dunno" she says "50?".

"Nope, I'm 60 today" he says with another big smile.

He then goes into the butchers and gets a couple of steaks.

"What age do you think I am today?"  he asks.  "You look about 45" says the man behind the counter.

"Im 60 today" he says, "don't I look well?"

So he heads off for the bus and takes a seat at the bus stop.  He is in a fantastic mood so says to the little old lady beside him:

"Excuse me missus, what age to you think I am today?"

"Well" says the old lady "there's one way I can tell you your age to the day!"

"Jesus" says the oul boy "hows that?"

"Well I put my hand down the front of you trousers and get a good fumble, and I'll be able to tell."

The man looks up and down the street and no one is about so he lets the old woman tear away.

"Hmmm, you're 60 today" she says.

"Jesus thats unreal" says the oul boy, "how did you know that?!"

The old woman smiles. "I was standing behind you in the butchers!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 13, 2009, 11:24:20 AM
> .My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
> in about 3 seconds.'
>
> I bought her a kitchen scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took her to a filling station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
> my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- --------- --------- -----
>
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you t o pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
>
> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
> not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
>
> and then the fight started.....
>
> ----------- - --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
> window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
> to his car as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
> screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- -- ------- ---------
> --------- ----
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
>
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
> on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?'
>
> And then the fight started . ..
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> ----
>
>
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> ----
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 13, 2009, 11:38:30 AM
Fw: Dementia !!

-Looks like I've got it !     

Test  for Dementia
B elow are  four ( 4 ) questions  and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your  time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's  find out just how clever you really are....



Ready?  GO!!! 



First  Question: 

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second  person.
What position are you in? 









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







   


Answer:     If you answered that you are first, then you  are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you  take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer  the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one,  OK ?

Second  Question: 
If you overtake the last person, then you  are...?








   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








   

Answer:     If you answered that you are second to last, then you  are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are  you?








   

Third  Question: 
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in  your head  only
.
Do NOT use paper and  pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add  another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add  another 1000 . Now add 20 .  Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the  total? 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000   ?

The correct answer is actually  4100.



If you don't believe it, check  it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is  it?
Maybe you'll get the last question  right....
...Maybe. 



Fourth  Question: 

Mary's father has five daughters: 1.  Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did  you Answer  Nunu?
NO!     Of course it isn't.
Her name  is Mary.  Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus  round:

A   mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.  By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase  is done. 

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who  wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what  he wants?







   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








   

He just has to open his mouth  and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 13, 2009, 11:42:45 AM
>>> FLORIDA  COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
>>>
>>> In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover
>>> holy days.
>>> He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
>>> Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
>>> The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
>>> day(s).
>>> The case was brought before a judge.
>>> After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the
>>> judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'
>>>
>>> The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your
>>> honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
>>> The Christians have Christmas, Easter, etc.  The Jews have Passover,

>>> Yom  Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Hanukkah.
>>> Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.'
>>>
>>> The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do.
>>> Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.'
>>> The lawyer said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any special
>>> observance  or holiday for atheists.'
>>>
>>> The judge said, 'The calendar shows April 1st is 'April Fools Day.'
>>> Psalm 14:1 states:  'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
>>> Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says
>>> there is no God, then he is a fool.
>>> Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 13, 2009, 02:28:34 PM
New Words for 2009



* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
Screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
To work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
Works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
Displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
Their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
The pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* tr**p STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 13, 2009, 03:14:08 PM
I ended up with an older woman in Robinsons Belfast last night. She looked pretty good for a 48 year old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well a little more than a bit)

We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's double?"

"What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.

"Oh", I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "No I haven't".

And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that "tonight was my lucky night"

I went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs 

"Mum are you still awake?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: applepicker on January 13, 2009, 03:46:17 PM
 :D :D, did not see that coming at all
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: flantheman82 on January 14, 2009, 09:15:45 AM
--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
 
 

  How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 
Marry It!
 
 

  What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
 
A battery has a positive side.
 
 

  What are the three fastest means of communication?
 
1) Television
 
2) Telephone
 
3) Telawoman
 
 

  How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
 
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
 
 

  What should you give a woman who has everything?
 
A man to show her how to work it.
 
 

  How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 
Put a nipple on it.
 
 

  Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
 
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
 
 

  What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
 
 

  If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
 
  done wrong?
 
Made her chain too long
 
 

  How many men does it take to open a beer?
 
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
 
 

  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably   
 
never be able to support you.
 
 

  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer   
 
to the kitchen sink.
 
 

  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
 
 

  How do you fix a woman's watch?
 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
 
 

  Why do men pass gas more than women?
 
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required   
 
pressure.
 
 

  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
 
  front door, who do you let in first?
 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
 
 

  What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 
A woman who won't do what she's told
 
 

  I married a Miss Right.
 
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 
 

  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
 
  90%..
 
It's called a Wedding Cake.
 
 

  Why do men die before their wives?
 
They want to.
 
 

  Women will never be equal to men..
 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
 
still think they are sexy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 14, 2009, 02:15:43 PM
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend when she said I reminded her of a black man.
"Why, cos I've got a massive c**k?" I asked.
She said, "No, it's cos I f**king hate you."





Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham.
Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on January 14, 2009, 02:50:11 PM
That's the worst in a long time Illdecide.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 14, 2009, 04:56:33 PM
Two Dublin women shopping in Moore St. One of them picks up a parsnip and starts to giggle.

Wha?
- Ah nuttin'

G'wan - wha?
- Ah just dis parsnip. Ih reminds me of me husban's yoke.

Wha - de lent of ih or de tickness of ih?
- No. De durt of ih.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 14, 2009, 05:20:39 PM

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:
1.   When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2.    The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3.    A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4.    After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.     An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.     A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7.     Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.    As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9.    The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.   When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*** Remember... They walk among us!!! **

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on January 15, 2009, 05:58:25 PM
The couple were  85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were  far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their  pennies. Though not young, they were both  in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy  foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good  health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane  crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates,  and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful  mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked  kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen  hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in  astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home  now.'

The old man asked Peter how much  all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember,  this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the  window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and  more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees,'  grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You  can play for free, every day..'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the  lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before  them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing  beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is  Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked  around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the  low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he  asked. 
That's  the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as  you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. 
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my  sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy  yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife  and said, 'You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'




Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 16, 2009, 04:53:17 PM
Saturday's incident had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Airport

Eyewitness accounts.



America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life...I thought i was going to die, he got so close to me"



Glasgow: "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



America: "I just want to get home, away from here...I just want to get home, I thought I was going to die"



Glasgow: "Am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

America: "there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what happening was; I thought I was going to die"



Glasgow: "F*ck this, moan we'll get a pint in"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

America: "We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were going to die, I just ran for my life"



Glasgow: "a walked by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

America: "I'm too traumatised even to speak, I thought I was going to die"



Glasgow: "here mate, gees 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"





& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are real)



John has just surpassed his interview on the National ITV news.



ITV Interviewer asked: "What message do you have for the bombers"

John replied: ... "This is Glasgow we'll set aboot yae"



John was interviewed yesterday on CNN



CNN Interviewer asked: "How did you manage to restrain the terrorist?"

John replied: ... "Me and the other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him"!





Mr Smeaton - Local Hero!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: fitzroyalty on January 16, 2009, 05:17:18 PM
3 Mice sitting in a Belfast pub talking about who's the toughest!

Andytown mouse says he is, "I go up to the mousetrap, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"

Rathcoole Mouse says: "You poof! I get the rat poison, crush it into a powder and snort it!"

Lurgan Mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.

"Where are you going?" ask the other two

"Am away home here to ride the cat!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on January 16, 2009, 05:53:55 PM
A big wide piece of tarmac walks into a bar and starts shouting his mouth off.

"I'm the hardest piece of road about; no harder piece of road about that me." At this point he's pushing all the other pieces of tar about and bullying them.

All of a sudden the door bursts open and a much thinner piece of tarmac walks in. The big piece of road shits himself and goes and hides in the corner.

"I thought you said you were the toughest piece of road about?" he was asked.

"I'm tough" he replied, "but that guy is a cycle path!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 20, 2009, 11:38:19 AM
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist   Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced Go) had many relatives.  Among them were:
 
  His obnoxious brother  -  Please Gogh
  The brother who ate lots of prunes  -  Gotta Gogh
  The brother who worked at the convenience store  -  Stopn Gogh
  The grandfather from Yugoslavia  -  U Gogh
  The brother who bleached his clothes white  -  Hue Gogh
  His dizzy aunt  -  Verti Gogh
  The cousin in Illinois   -  Chica  Gogh
  His magician uncle  -  Warediddy Gogh
  His Mexican uncle  -  Amee Gogh
  The Mexican cousin's half brother  -  Grin Gogh
  The nephew who drove a stagecoach  -  Wellsfar Gogh
  The constipated uncle  -  Cant Gogh
  The ballroom dancing aunt  -  Tan Gogh
  The bird lover uncle  -  Flamin Gogh
  His nephew psychoanalyst  -  E Gogh
  The fruit loving cousin  -  Man Gogh
  An aunt who taught positive thinking  -  Wayto  Gogh
  The little nephew  -  Poe Gogh
  A sister who loved to Disco  -  Go Gogh
  And his niece that travels in a van  -  Winniebay Gogh
  I think there was also a distant relative named Far Gogh.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 20, 2009, 10:51:56 PM
HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
-----------------------------------------------------

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-----------------------------------------------------

The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
------------------------------------------------------

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
------------------------------------------------------

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
------------------------------------------------------

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
------------------------------------------------------

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
------------------------------------------------------

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.
-------------------------------------------------------

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
--------------------------------------------------------

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
--------------------------------------------------------

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
--------------------------------------------------------

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
---------------------------------------------------------

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
----------------------------------------------------------

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
-----------------------------------------------------------

A will is a dead giveaway.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
------------------------------------------------------------

A backward poet writes inverse.
------------------------------------------------------------

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
------------------------------------------------------------

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
------------------------------------------------------------

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
--------------------------------------------------------------

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------------

The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
----------------------------------------------------------------

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
------------------------------------------------------------

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
-------------------------------------------------------------

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
-----------------------------------------------------------

A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-----------------------------------------------------------

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
------------------------------------------------------------

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
------------------------------------------------------------

If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine.
------------------------------------------------------------

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 21, 2009, 10:24:34 AM
Still my favourite pun of the last ten years. When they finally finished the Luas works
in O'Connell Street:

I can see Clerys now - the crane has gone.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 21, 2009, 10:44:36 AM
                                                                           
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.                                           
                                                                           
They were all getting married within a short time period.                 
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,  she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few
words on how marital sex felt.                                             
                                                                           
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.         
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!                                     
                                                                           
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the     
Nescafe jar.                                                               
                                                                           
(Embedded image moved to file: pic15739.jpg)Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee,     
475g It said: "Good till the last drop".                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and   
the card read: "Rothmans"                                                 
                                                                           
(Embedded image moved to file: pic08207.jpg) Mum now knew to go straight   
to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King
Size"                                                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town.                       
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.   
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.                         
                                                                           
  Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African       
Airways"                                                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing   
the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.                               
                                                                           
(Embedded image moved to file: pic21589.jpg)saa.jpg (16610 bytes)         
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."             
                                                                           
                                                                           
Mum fainted!                 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 27, 2009, 12:13:10 PM
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they
had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for
the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite '
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 27, 2009, 12:19:59 PM
> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
> than to let him keep her.
>
>  David Bissonette
>
>
>

>
>
> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
> coin; they just can't face each other, but still they
> stay together.
>
>  Sacha Guitry
>
>

>
>
> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be
> happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
> philosopher. Socrates
>
>

>
> 0A
>
>

>
> Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
> achieving them.
>
>  Anonymous
>
> 0A
>
>
>

>
> The great question... which I have not been able to
> answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
>
>  Dumas
>
>

>
> I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs
> with me.
>
> Sigmund Freud
>
>
>


>
>
> 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
> take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
> candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes
> Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
>
>  Anonymous
>
>
>


>
>
> 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even
> faster than electronic banking. It's called
> marriage.'
>
> Sam Kinison
>
>

>
> 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first
> one left me, and the second one didn't.'
>
>  James Holt McGavra
>
>
>

>
> Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever
> you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right,
> shut up.
>
>  Patrick Murra
>
>
>

>
>
> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
> is to forget it once....
>
> Nash
>
>
>


>
>
> You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
>
>
> Anonymous
>
>

>
>
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>
>  Henny Youngman
>
>
>

>
>
> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
> wrong.
>
>
>

>
> Rodney Dangerfield
>
>
>

>
> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
> 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred
> letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have
> mine.'
>
>  Anonymous
>
>

>
> First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
> Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still
> alive.'
>
>  Anonymous
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2009, 03:51:42 PM
I'm pretty sure this has been about before but i haven't time to search thru all the jokes...

> Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

> One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
> Some time later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
> from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
> told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way,

> I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was  more than I

> could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
> Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,the telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek,I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room,I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

> At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


> I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 29, 2009, 03:59:05 PM
Quote from: hardstation on January 27, 2009, 02:16:54 PM
Q. Name a footballer who played for Ireland whose surname begins with K.

A. Harte.

:D

Hmmmm.... *ponders*..... nope, aint gotta a clue
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on January 29, 2009, 04:24:38 PM
Quote from: hardstation on January 29, 2009, 04:01:44 PM
Fcuk, that made me laugh again.

Quote from: the green man on January 27, 2009, 02:01:38 PM
Quote from: RedandGreenSniper on January 27, 2009, 01:56:08 PM
A team of Irish internationals from the last fifteen years whose surname starts with K. Formation is 4-4-2


               ???
Kelly Kernoghan ??? Harte

Kilbane Keane Kavanagh ???

        Keane Kelly

Had me in stitches too! And we haven't heard from the green man since
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on January 29, 2009, 04:31:16 PM
it is funny
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on January 29, 2009, 04:59:26 PM
Good man
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: thebandit on January 29, 2009, 05:38:11 PM
Quote from: hardstation on January 27, 2009, 02:16:54 PM
Q. Name a footballer who played for Ireland whose surname begins with K.

A. Harte.

:D

I still dont get it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 30, 2009, 11:54:46 AM
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby, like many of the Glasgow menfolk,20 had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips.." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the weans raised as  "Celtic  fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby stated, "Ye'll need tae gie me anither week to come up with the £500"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 30, 2009, 12:21:46 PM
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "I'd like to buy a wasp please."

The man behind the counter laughs and says: "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell wasps in here, this is a pet shop."

The man replies: "Well, there was one in the window yesterday!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on January 30, 2009, 12:24:14 PM
Get your coat time Orior methinks >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ball Hopper on January 31, 2009, 10:24:06 PM
You have got to read through this one.  It puts a lot of light on things.  Do not scroll down and spoil the ending.
 



Is It NBA Or NFL?

               


36 have been accused of spousal abuse




7 have been arrested for fraud





19  have been accused of writing bad checks   





117  have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses




3 have done time for assault   



71, repeat   71   cannot  get a credit card due to bad credit


14  have been arrested on drug-related charges   


8  have been arrested for shoplifting   



21  currently are defendants in lawsuits, and   




84 have been arrested for drunk driving   in  the last year   


Can you guess which organization this is?   

Give up yet? . . Scroll down,   





slowly...
















Neither the NBA or the NFL...





it's the 435 members of the United States Congress   !!!!!!


Title: Australian Humour
Post by: The Blegard on February 01, 2009, 04:21:57 PM
I've got 2 dogs.
I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now  enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd  been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hitme.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid Bitch...why else would I buy dog food.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2009, 02:38:55 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
                                             

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
                                             


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters   
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.' 



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some  more butter! Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2009, 04:20:03 PM
A Glasgow man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He replied, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'
Then she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the Pool.  She did lengths in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty lengths, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, 'That was amazing! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2009, 09:39:40 AM
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well,
I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it,
Father...I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2009, 09:43:25 AM

 



 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


 



 



 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


 



 



 
The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.


 



 



 
I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


 



 



 
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.


 



 
 



 



 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


 



 



 
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


 



 



 
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.


 



 
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2009, 09:48:53 AM
  Is this the best quote of the decade, or what?





Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2009, 09:51:59 AM
CUP OF TEA
  One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe
  2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had
  given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my
  favorite toys.
  Daddy was in the livingroom engrossed in the evening news when I
  brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.  After
  several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
  home.
  My Dad made her wait in the livingroom to watch me bring him a cup of
  tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
  enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
  watches him drink it up.

  Then she says, (as only a mother would know...), " Did it ever occur
  to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2009, 12:26:18 PM
Man Flu

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is
that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this
awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense,
they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of
full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The
A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady
medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim
of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.

11. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind
words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe,
we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on February 05, 2009, 11:14:37 PM
David Blaine is said to be devastated at news that his world record of spending 48 days in a box doing nothing has been broken by Robbie Keane!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on February 06, 2009, 07:02:28 PM
I bought a new antipersperant yesterday. The instructions said, remove lid and push up bottom.

Ive been in casualty all day, but my farts smell great.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 06, 2009, 11:00:34 PM
so you played cowboys and indians?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on February 07, 2009, 04:12:22 PM
What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?

A crimefighter


Disclaimer - was told this by a black guy last night!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 07, 2009, 09:43:29 PM
In Dublin, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In Derry, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

In Cork, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

And in Cavan, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on February 07, 2009, 10:34:29 PM
A man went to a hardware shop and asked for six long bolts.

How long would you like them asks the assistant.

I thought I'd get to keep them says the man
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Larry Duff on February 07, 2009, 11:51:46 PM
Quote from: Caid on February 06, 2009, 10:33:00 PM

I work in England and our company has an internal communicator system (like MSN messenger).  This is the transcript between me and an Indian girl I work with from earlier today.  Names have been changed to preserve our identities:


Good idea. But another way of concealing your identity is hiding your e-mail address when posting, particularly when it contains your full name and the name of your employer  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DoYerJob Linesman on February 07, 2009, 11:56:30 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D

Best joke yet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 08, 2009, 12:10:07 AM
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh shit.

Could I ask the moderators to save this poor soul?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on February 08, 2009, 01:43:18 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel sticking out of his pants.

Bartender says " you know you have a wheel sticking out of your pants?"

Pirate " of course I know that, its stuck there!"

Bartender "well, do you steer with it?"

Pirate "No, but it drives me nuts."


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2009, 10:33:40 AM
Announced this morning

Marks & Spencer are amalgamating with Poundstretcher. The new company will be called StretchMarks.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2009, 09:21:35 PM
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,  'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
 
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on February 09, 2009, 10:16:06 PM

Courtesy of Mr Frankie Boyle:

"I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other day just thinking: where do they find these awful people?
Then it hit me - Glasgow."

"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."

"My plan is to re-criminalise homosexuality - so I can feel dirty when I do it ."

"Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart, everyone said "Oh it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing..." and look at him now, an alcoholic racist"

"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "f**k Off Germany" onto the moon..."

"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."

"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".

"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."

"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."

On Worst Things for a Defendant to Say:
"Well I put it to you Your Honour, that this child is sexy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on February 10, 2009, 11:26:33 AM
Quote2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.


Don't you have to die as a result of your act of stupidity to get a Darwin Award nomination?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Homer on February 10, 2009, 11:35:33 AM
Quote from: under the bar on February 10, 2009, 11:26:33 AM
Quote2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.


Don't you have to die as a result of your act of stupidity to get a Darwin Award nomination?

You can also get a nomination by unwittingly sterilizing yourself and thereby doing humanity a big favour in removing yourself from the gene pool.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 10, 2009, 12:00:23 PM
A few candidates for the Darwin awards here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6OzIszLgYw

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on February 10, 2009, 02:15:21 PM
Is it just me, or have the Darwin Awards on this thread been the same for about four years now?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 10, 2009, 10:54:25 PM
This guy came close to winning I bet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSqlvhSSOXc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSqlvhSSOXc)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Double Cross on February 12, 2009, 09:09:59 PM
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."

English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"

Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 16, 2009, 11:29:11 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Muzz on February 17, 2009, 03:12:06 PM
Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

:-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on February 17, 2009, 03:16:28 PM
you could fill pages of jokes about jade goody here
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on February 17, 2009, 04:19:41 PM
Quote from: Muzz on February 17, 2009, 03:12:06 PM
Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

:-\

That is pathetic ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Derry Dolly on February 18, 2009, 11:00:19 AM
Quote from: Muzz on February 17, 2009, 03:12:06 PM
Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

:-\

that is really not funny, regardless of your opinion of her the woman is dying of a terrible illness and as stated above, thats a pathetic statement.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 18, 2009, 11:07:22 AM
Quote from: Derry Dolly on February 18, 2009, 11:00:19 AM
Quote from: Muzz on February 17, 2009, 03:12:06 PM
Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

:-\

that is really not funny, regardless of your opinion of her the woman is dying of a terrible illness and as stated above, thats a pathetic statement.

Ignore them sick ones Dolly, i'll get you a real laugh...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 18, 2009, 11:07:55 AM
A woman went to a Asda service counter and told the clerk she wanted a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'


She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'


Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,





'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on February 18, 2009, 02:48:21 PM
13 year-old dad Alfie Patten has decided to join Fathers for Justice.  He doesn't quite understand the politics but he already has a Spiderman costume...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 18, 2009, 03:04:50 PM
You know your from Belfast when:


1. You're never cold but sometimes Baltic.
2. The sight of 12-year-olds smoking is normal.
3. Castle Court - the traditional and best - is well better than that Victoria Square place.
4. You have owned a pair of Nike Air Max at some stage.
5. You will fight anyone who claims Callum Best's Da wasn't the best footballer EVER.
6. You're passionate about an English or Scottish football team.
7. You know what real rain is like.
8. You think If you can't see the Harland and Wolff cranes from your bedroom window your a culchie.
9. You remember when it was OK to smoke (anything) in the KFC in Corn Market.
10. So it is
11. You know what the word Ball root means.
12. You use the word 'sweet' and 'powerful' as a substitute for almost any adjective.
13. You are a half decent pool player and know your way around a snooker table.
14. You know what the words 'space-cadet' and 'rocket' really mean.
15. Your friends still call you by your childhood nickname.
16. You cringe when you hear someone from your city speak on national TV.
17. You been told wha' at least once in your life.
18. You know at least one person called Mackers.
19. Ballycastle is your most frequented holiday destination.
20. Your Granny had a framed picture of the Pope or the Queen in the living room but not both.
21. Jim McDonald from Coronation Street and Eamonn Holmes embarrass you.
21. The most common phrase used when you are slightly surprised at something is: 'Here's me wha!!??'
22. You can tell what religion somebody is by the side of the road they walk on.
23. You spend every Christmas Eve in your local and have the EXACT same conversations as the year before.
24. You are 27, married with 2 kids, a dog and have a mortgage of your own, but if you are home for Christmas and your parents are away for a couple of days you still think: 'Sweet, free house!'
25. You have been to "Dempsey's" for an 18th/16th birthday party
26. You can remember seeing soldiers walk down your street with guns in the middle of the day for no apparent reason
27. Lavery's Middle Bar was the height of your teenage social life
28 You have purchased a single cigarette at some stage of your life
29 A member of the opposite religion has been "after you"
30 You frequented a country park or waste ground each weekend to drink alcohol
31 When the police were in the vicinity some one always greeted them with the phrase "SS RUC"
32 You have used the phrase "will you see me/my mate"
33 You have shoplifted in Virgin Megastores (RIP)
34 You have been "de-begged"
35. Your main argument for anything you disagreed with was 'sure nah!'
36. The smell of slurry in the country makes you gag.
37. You still think people who live in the cities of Newry and Ballymena are Culchies.
38. You didn't do graffiti; you gave yourself a 'mention on a wall'.
39. You remember Leisure World being the best toy shop in 'the whole whil' world'.
40. You have "pinged a windy" at some stage
41. Anyone who doesn't have a 1 back and sides is a "hippy"
42. You have at some stage shaved your head, leaving a stupid wee fringe at the front, which you may have dyed blonde for that distinctive Belfast look
43. You know what a steeko is, and have a tendency to turn into one after a few beers
44. You have had a telling off from your da which began with the phrase ´listen sonny jim...´
45. You have a mild addiction to pastie baps
46. You have at least once in your life considered sniffing glue
47. You have at least one ginger mate, who you call ´Fanta pants´ at least three times a day
48. You know what a barrack buster is, and at one time this was your favourite carry-out
49. You have at some point slegged someone for wearing two-striper trackie bottoms
50. When some millie's annoyed she says, "Oh mummy!! What are you like!!?"
51. When your granny says "Yer ar$e is parsley!!!"
52. When you say in disgust at a lie yer mate told, "Aye rite dead on ball bag!!"
53. When you've ordered drink after hours from 'dial a drink'
54. Everyday you call at least 1 person a 'melter'
55. You've said 'I'm gonna get my big brooar for ye, or I'm gonna get my da for ye."
56. You have walked to the top of the cave hill until you get to what is known as 'Napoleon's Nose'
57. You have told the taxi man to leave you to the waste ground where you learned to drink ran away until you are a safe distance away to shout slurs at the taxi man such as 'and here, if you try and chase me, my mates gonna steal your car'
58. You have bought '5 lighters for a pound!'
59. You have been in some sort of riot
60. If you want to buy something semi legal like a dope pipe or martial arts weapons (ninja star, nunchucks that sort of thing) you go to Smithfield market
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on February 18, 2009, 04:15:29 PM
A priest is checking into a hotel and he quietly whispers to the receptionist 'I trust the porn is disabled'.

The receptions replies in disgust, 'get away ye pervert ye, it's straight, gay or lesbian, none of that weird shite here'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 18, 2009, 04:24:32 PM
What's weird about disabled?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on February 18, 2009, 04:27:37 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on February 18, 2009, 04:24:32 PM
What's weird about disabled?

Not a thing Ziggy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on February 20, 2009, 10:56:44 AM
A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the football game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish' and I kinda regret this now 'I want half my head to be an orange.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on February 20, 2009, 11:01:51 AM
Quote from: full back on February 20, 2009, 10:56:44 AM
A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the football game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish' and I kinda regret this now 'I want half my head to be an orange.'

that is the worst ever
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on February 20, 2009, 11:19:15 AM
Possibly the best  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 20, 2009, 11:21:56 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 20, 2009, 11:36:37 AM
I liked it lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: timmyot501 on February 20, 2009, 12:54:04 PM
Its the World Amateur Wrestling Championship final. An undefeated Russian v a relatively new to the scene American. The Russian wrestler has progressed to the final due to his secret move known as the 'pretzel lock'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this move and once in it his opponents found it impossible to get out. Nobody had every escaped from this move

So the fight starts. The American spends his time ducking and diving with the sole purpose of avoiding the pretzel lock and maybe landing a blow himself.  His trainer urges him on.  The crowd roar as the fight continues and the American stays out of trouble.  But the Russian makes his move and sure enough he has the American in the pretzel lock.  The crowd groan. The American's trainer can't look and turns away crestfallen. 

Suddenly there is a roar from the crowd and the Russian is flat out on the canvas.  The American takes the applause from the crowd and accepts the gold medal as his prize.

After the match, the trainer asked him, "How did you do it? He applied the pretzel lock on you. No one has ever escaped the hold and you escaped it with apparent ease. How did you do it???? How?"

The American wrestler replied, "Well, I was in so much pain that I was trying to find the referee to concede, but I couldn't move or even shout.  Then I noticed a pair of testicles within reach so I stretched and managed to bite them as hard as I could"

"Its amazing the strength you get when you bite your own balls"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 20, 2009, 02:19:38 PM
FFS Timmy thats pish poor...lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lothos on February 20, 2009, 02:49:02 PM
I concur
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Stall the Bailer on February 20, 2009, 02:51:08 PM
   Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

    Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: timmyot501 on February 20, 2009, 03:05:04 PM
Quote from: illdecide on February 20, 2009, 02:19:38 PM
FFS Timmy thats pish poor...lol

Fair enough - u r prob right, I apologise.  But I have only posted one poor joke to this thread ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hound on February 20, 2009, 03:44:04 PM
On behalf of all the eejits, I'd like to ask someone to explain the half orange head lark....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lothos on February 20, 2009, 03:52:01 PM
I found it funny because you were expecting some rational wish which could be misconstrued as something else, but which turned out to be exactly what he'd asked for
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on February 20, 2009, 03:56:23 PM
Full Back did I tell you that one???  >:(

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   8)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jimmy Joe on February 20, 2009, 04:09:14 PM
you might appreciate this sort of humour then

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/whenamanlovesawoman.png)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on February 20, 2009, 04:12:08 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on February 20, 2009, 03:56:23 PM
Full Back did I tell you that one???  >:(

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   8)

Did you fcuk tell it to me
You couldnt have come up with anything as funny as that

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on February 20, 2009, 04:13:49 PM
Quote from: Jimmy Joe on February 20, 2009, 04:09:14 PM
you might appreciate this sort of humour then

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/whenamanlovesawoman.png)

:D them wee cartoons are hilarious! Love them!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Stalin on February 20, 2009, 04:27:13 PM
Quote from: full back on February 20, 2009, 04:12:08 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on February 20, 2009, 03:56:23 PM
Full Back did I tell you that one???  >:(

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   8)

Did you fcuk tell it to me
You couldnt have come up with anything as funny as that



did you make that up full back? quality  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jimmy Joe on February 20, 2009, 04:58:20 PM
I've just came across this little gem

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/worstday.png)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on February 20, 2009, 05:02:02 PM
 :D brilliant!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on February 21, 2009, 10:15:37 PM
One kn**ker says to the other
"I'm really embarrassed. I just slept with my 3rd cousin."
"If yer so embarrassed, why do ya keep countin then" says the other.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 24, 2009, 10:15:58 AM
> Understanding Engineers - One
>
> Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
> The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Two
>
> To the optimist, the glass is half full.
> To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Three
>
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
> The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
> The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
> He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
> They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Four
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
> Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Five
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Six
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
> Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Seven
>
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> I will stay with you for one week."
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
> Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 24, 2009, 10:58:57 AM
Quote from: illdecide on February 24, 2009, 10:15:58 AM
>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> I will stay with you for one week."
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
> Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


I know that guy, he supports our solaris boxes. If you ask him a question he will never give you an answer until you have narrowed it down to a binary answer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 24, 2009, 02:09:10 PM
Wasn't sure what thread to post this on...

A MARRIED Manchester United fan drove 400 miles for a saucy weekend with a girl he'd met on the internet only to discover it was an elaborate hoax set up by two burly Liverpool supporters he had upset on holiday.

Stuart Slann spent nine hours in his car travelling to Aberdeen believing he was about to enjoy his first night of romance with a girl called "Emma", whom he had never talked to but had been sending him suggestive email messages for over a month.

But when Stuart, 39, from Sheffield, South Yorkshire, finally got to the remote farm in the north of Scotland where "Emma" had told him she lived it was locked up and deserted. He then got a text message saying she was delayed at work and that he would have to wait.

After sitting in his car growing increasingly cold and frustrated for over three hours, Stuart finally called "Emma" and was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say: "Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It's them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You've been framed."

To complete Stuart's misery, his wife Louise, 34, now knows about the "affair" on the Facebook website and has left him.

Last November Stuart, a lifelong United fan, fell out with the two Liverpool supporters who were staying in the same holiday hotel in Cancun, Mexico, after chatting each day about football.

During one row beside the pool during his three-week break the two Liverpudlians, who are both professional Cage Fighters, got so fed up with Stuart's claims about how much better Manchester were than Liverpool they threw him into the water, accidentally breaking his ankle and smashing one of his ribs.



  SEARCH UK NEWS for:     

But their revenge didn't stop once they got home to Merseyside. The pair then tricked Stuart into sending emails to "Emma", a fictional girl they had created on the Facebook website.

The tricksters, under the guise of "Emma", contacted Stuart and claimed to like the look of his photo on the web and share his love of United.

During the nightly email exchanges that followed, "Emma" told Stuart how she couldn't wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to "Emma", who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.

Now the two unnamed Liverpool fans have posted that photo – and a tape of the telephone conversation when Stuart finally discovers who "Emma" really is – on the YouTube website, where it is proving a huge hit. Even websites for supporters of Liverpool, Manchester United and Sheffield Wednesday are now advertising where to find the footage and last week it began appearing on internet pages in Holland, making him a laughing stock with football fans across Europe.

Last night, the father-of-one, a building labourer, said: "There's no doubt I've been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool.

"It was cruel, but I'll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2009, 09:24:04 AM
A Wee Scottish Tale



A man was cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn (stream).

All of a sudden a Gamekeeper shouted: "Dinnae drink tha waater!  Et's fu' ae  coo's  shite an pish!"

The man replied: "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me, please?"

The keeper replied: "I said: 'Use two hands - you'll spill less that way'!!!"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2009, 09:30:12 AM
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought, 'I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a taxi.' He popped into a phone booth near the
hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo.

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.  When back in the
room he figures, 'What the heck, I'll give her a call.'
"Hello," the woman says... Wow, she sounded sexy.
"Hi.  I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.  No, wait; I should be straight with you.  I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover
me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!  Now, how does
that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on February 25, 2009, 09:34:03 AM
Ive finally found out where there is endless amounts of work.

I heard on the news this morning that there are thousands of jobs in jeopardy.  Anyone know how to get there?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2009, 09:36:50 AM
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he felt

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
 


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2009, 11:33:48 AM
I know i've heard this b4 so the chances i've already posted it but there are only so many pages you can check thru...so here it is again (i think)


THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:











Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 03, 2009, 02:58:51 PM
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", retorted the Rabbi, "We save them up and send them back to
  the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now  and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on March 04, 2009, 05:11:55 PM
This fella had a dog that just couldnt be controlled. Always getting away from the leash and biting people whenever it could. He knew he needed to do something about it, but couldnt bring himself.

One day he met a woman, fell in love and they dated for a long time. He finally asked her to marry him and she agreed - on the condition that he did something about the dog.

Worried he called a few friends for advice - and one told him that maybe having the dog neutered would calm him a little and he would behave normally.

The young man made the appointment with the vet, and on the morning of the surgery, put the dog on the leash and began the short walk to the vetinary hospital.

On the way the dog was being its usual crazy self and as they passed an alleyway with a drunken bum lying around in it, the dog got away and tore down the alley barking like mad.

The drunk saw the dog coming, but couldnt protect himself as the dog started biting him. Finally the owner got the dog back under control and apologised profusely to the shocked man.

"Your fuckin dogs crazy" says the bum.

"I know" replied the embarrassed man, "I was just talking him to have him neutered in the hope that he calms down"

'Neutered? Neutered?" screams the drunk? " You need to have the f**kers teeth pulled out -I knew from the moment he started down the alleyway that he wasnt gonna f**k me"!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on March 04, 2009, 05:24:00 PM
'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.

'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.

Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.

'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.

'What now?' asked the tourist.

'It'll take you about ten minutes.'

'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.

'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 06, 2009, 02:05:44 PM
Best PMT Question Ever



Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman's Answer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE RUBBISH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF RUBBISH THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on March 06, 2009, 02:39:13 PM
Whats the difference between an Ethopian & a pair of jeans?

A pair of jeans only has 1 fly on them
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on March 06, 2009, 03:11:08 PM
Ever wonder why smirnoff is bad for you.....try writing it in predictive text on your mobile...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on March 06, 2009, 03:13:02 PM
Quote from: Hoof Hearted on March 06, 2009, 03:11:08 PM
Ever wonder why smirnoff is bad for you.....try writing it in predictive text on your mobile...

:D very good!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on March 06, 2009, 03:14:44 PM
A Cavan man has been acquitted of a bizarre case in which he was accused of sexually molesting a cat.

The Judge said that there was no way he could believe that a Cavan man would put anything in a kitty.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 07, 2009, 07:59:41 PM
Back in 1977 at the height of the troubles, two lions escaped from Belfast Zoo. As they were strolling down Royal Avenue, people were screaming and running for cover.

One lion turns to the other and says "there must be a bomb scare or something".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2009, 09:50:23 AM
Subject: FW: Ways to beat the credit crunch - Classic



DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y   


DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. 


AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 


SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. 


HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. 


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. 


SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.



SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. 


OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. 


CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. 


WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. 


MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee. 


MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs. 


SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. 


WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards



APOLOGIES IF IT OFFENDS ANYONE!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2009, 12:04:23 PM
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced
this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're
here to see the doctor today?"

 
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then re-entered.

 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

 
The waiting room erupted in laughter..

 
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2009, 04:59:58 PM

> Teacher: 'Good morning
> children, today is Thursday, so we're
> going to
> have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
> have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
> Wee
> Murray thinks,
> 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am.
> This is goannae be a
>
> doddle!'
> Teacher: ' Right
> class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do
> for you, but what you can do for your country?'
> Wee
> Murray shoots
> up his hand, waving furiously in the
> air.
> Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar
> Fauntleroy
> at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): '
> Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> we will see you back in class on
> Tuesday.'
> The next Thursday
> comes around, and Wee Murray is even
> more
> determined.
> Teacher: 'Who said 'We
> will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will
> fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray's hand
> shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me
> Miss, pick me Miss'.
> Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
> 'Yes Tarquin.'
> Tarquin (in a very,
> very posh English accent): 'Yes miss,
> the
> answer
> is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of
> Britain speech.'
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> come back to class on
> Tuesday..'
> The following Thursday
> comes around and Wee Murray is hyper;
> he's
> been
> studying encyclopaedias all week and
> he's ready for anything that comes.
> He's
> coiled in his chair, dribbling in
> anticipation.
> Teacher: 'Who said
> 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'
> Wee
> Murray's arm
> shoots straight in the air, he's
> standing on his
> seat, jumping up and down screaming
> 'Pick me
> miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
> Teacher looking round
> the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
> 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully,
>
> frightfully, ever so plummy English
> accent):
> 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong,
> 1969, the first moon landing.'
>
> Teacher: 'Very good
> Rupert. You may stay off Friday and
> Monday
> and
> come back into class on
> Tuesday.'
> Wee
> Murray loses
> the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall.
> He starts
> screaming:
> 'WHERE THE F@&K DID
> ALL THESE ENGLISH
> B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'
> Teacher spins back
> round from the blackboard and
> shouts:
>
> 'Who said
> that?'
> Wee
> Murray grabs
> his coat and bag and heads for the
> door,
> 'Robert
> the Bruce, Bannockburn,
> 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on March 09, 2009, 06:20:36 PM
That last one is brilliant illdecide :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2009, 12:17:25 PM
I'm pretty sure this is on before but saying it's Cheltenham week i'll post it again...


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to
see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,
holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 11, 2009, 04:52:19 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on March 11, 2009, 10:54:32 PM
With The Simpsons going HD, they have a brand new title.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZGz1Ajg7QU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZGz1Ajg7QU)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on March 11, 2009, 10:58:36 PM

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 12, 2009, 11:47:14 AM
Eric and Tim are having gay sex. "I have Aids" says Eric, "What!" says Tim. "I don't really" says Eric. "I just like the way you tightened your arse when i said it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 12, 2009, 07:37:34 PM
Four men in a bar:-
A Yank
A Brit
A Russian
A Pakistani

Yank say's "I'm a CIA agent"
Brit says "I'm a MI5 agent"
Russian says " I'm a KGB agent"
Pakistani says "I'm a newsagent"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 13, 2009, 09:59:47 AM
TRUE STORIES FROM A&E

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a rat in her privates...' which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
 
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel   (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)!
causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.  (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
 
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.  He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.  Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all.   He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)
 
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??).  While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: thejuice on March 13, 2009, 05:50:00 PM
Thanks be t'jaysis its Friday, someone tell a joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on March 13, 2009, 05:54:28 PM
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are dirty women.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 18, 2009, 02:15:48 PM
Some ideas for your out of office messages


1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this
over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Peter.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 19, 2009, 07:32:51 PM
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pisses into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 24, 2009, 12:26:55 PM
Actual notes from hospital charts
====================

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a week.

6. On the second day the knee felt better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly, also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1999.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 80-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 24, 2009, 03:20:37 PM
WHY FORWARD PLANNING IS IMPORTANT:

One night 4 college students were drinking late into the night
and did  not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They first made themselves look as dirty as possible with grease and dirt.
They then went to the Dean and said that they had been to a
wedding  last night and on their return the tyre of their car had burst and
they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.
After hearing their explanation the Dean said they could re-sit
the test in 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a "Special Condition Test", all
four  students were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............... (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
( True story from IIT Bombay... 1992)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 26, 2009, 02:03:22 PM
David Jason has got in trouble for telling this joke - hopefully Orior will escape unscathed...

Q. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?

A. Me hat, me coat.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:18:15 PM
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:20:16 PM
Lets test the way you think!!!

"The penisinhermouth"


Did you read "The pen is in her mouth"

Nah me neither
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on March 26, 2009, 05:22:23 PM
I did actually
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on March 26, 2009, 05:38:18 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on March 26, 2009, 05:22:23 PM
I did actually

Boo.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: bridgegael on March 26, 2009, 05:52:39 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:18:15 PM
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

:D :D brilliant!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 26, 2009, 07:15:44 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:18:15 PM
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

I bought 8 legs of vennison last week for £50. Would that be too deer?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Zapatista on March 27, 2009, 07:06:49 PM
Jimmy Carr -

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever,
funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask
me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies
out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to
spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and
says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the
ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of
the kids.
Took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother
that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....
they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her
appendix out!"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke
hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to
run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing
on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Dougal Maguire on March 28, 2009, 07:35:54 AM
Quote from: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:18:15 PM
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

That reminds me of a line from Fr Ted:

Ted: Mrs Doyle, what's for tea?
Mrs D: I'll give you a clue, do you like deer?
Ted: Yes I love deer
Mrs Doyle: Great, because the thing you're getting for tea loves deer too.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on March 28, 2009, 10:58:38 AM
Quote from: Dougal Maguire on March 28, 2009, 07:35:54 AM
Quote from: illdecide on March 26, 2009, 05:18:15 PM
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

That reminds me of a line from Fr Ted:

Ted: Mrs Doyle, what's for tea?
Mrs D: I'll give you a clue, do you like dear?
Ted: Yes I love dear
Mrs Doyle: Great, because the thing you're getting for tea loves dear too.

Sorry chief but its actually pheasant!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 28, 2009, 01:20:41 PM
But deer is easier to spell.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on March 28, 2009, 01:28:55 PM
Quote from: Hardy on March 28, 2009, 01:20:41 PM
But deer is easier to spell.
Well you would think!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on March 30, 2009, 02:06:39 PM
No doubt this one has been posted before, but........


A Typical GAA Junior B Line up
.
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a Ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2″. Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 metre line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the puckouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.
Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "He's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mrsandman on March 31, 2009, 11:18:00 AM
Quote from: Louth Exile on March 30, 2009, 02:06:39 PM
No doubt this one has been posted before, but........


A Typical GAA Junior B Line up
.
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a Ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2″. Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 metre line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the puckouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.
Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "He's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

That was in the Irish News about 3 months ago
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on April 01, 2009, 11:12:35 AM
Who says soccer players aren't intelligent - Part 1

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.."
Peter Shilton
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on April 01, 2009, 11:16:18 AM
Who says soccer players aren't intelligent - Part 2


"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough .."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
 
 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 01, 2009, 02:56:05 PM
Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.


       As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctors tests

and operations could not restore Bobbys' sight.


       One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to him.


       "Bobby do you know what night this is?"


       "No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall
to


       his bed room.


       "This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this
night
       it


       will come true"


       "Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!" "Yes."
Said


       his mother as she tucked him into the bed. "But only if you wish
       very


       hard. Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing.


       He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put
       the


       energy for breathing in to wishing.


       His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into
the


       palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4
am


       the little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up
       the


       next day Bobby said.


       "Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"


       "I know", said his mother, "April fool."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 06, 2009, 09:39:42 AM
> The Lone Ranger's
> Last Request
>
> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War
> Party.
>
>
>
> The Indian Chief proclaims,

>
> "So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
>
>
>
> "In honor of the Harvest Festival,
> YOU will be executed in three days."
> "Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST
> request ???'
> The Lone Ranger responds,
> "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>
> The Chief nods and Silver is brought
> before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,  and the horse
> gallops away.
> Later that evening,  Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on 
> his back.
> As the Indian Chief watches,
> the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
> "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in
> two days."
> "What is your SECOND request ???"
>
>
> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
> to his horse.
> Silver is brought  to
> him,
> and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>  As before,  Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
> Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, 
> this time with a voluptuous brunette,  more attractive than the
> blonde.
>
> She enters the Lone Rangers tent
> and spends the night.
> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
> "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
>
>
> "What is your LAST request ???"
>
>
> The Lone Ranger responds,
> "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone."
>  The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
> Lone Ranger's tent.
>
>
>
> Once they're alone,
> the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye
> and says,
>
>
> Listen Very Carefully !!!!
> FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
> I SAID ...
>       
> "BRING  POSSE"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 06, 2009, 09:47:10 AM
lol Brilliant!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 06, 2009, 09:51:42 AM
Dear Employees,
   
   Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
   
   Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme(Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
   
   Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
   any further by Management.
   
   Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
   
   Sincerely,
   The Management
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 08, 2009, 02:24:13 PM
A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides
because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight
attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly
and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the
hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want ? '


'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
Ryan air.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 08, 2009, 02:28:15 PM
In a recent survey in a magazine, women were asked "Is your c**t still sensitive 10 mins after sex?" 98% answered NO. "He's asleep"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 09, 2009, 02:53:31 PM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on April 09, 2009, 03:31:21 PM
Mary and Bridget are out in the fields digging up carrots, when Mary pulls out a massive one.

'Jaysus Bridget that reminds me me of my Mickey's boyo.'

'Really Mary. is it the length or the girth of it?'

'Neither, it's the feckin' dort of it!!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on April 09, 2009, 04:02:06 PM
***Now I understand this may offend a few so if you are easily offended look away now, I also apologise in advance. 8)***







What's pink and covered in cobwebs?
Madeliene McCann's bicycle.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on April 09, 2009, 04:18:51 PM
Screenmachine, prepare yourself for a lengthly ban.

MODDDDDDDDDDDS!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on April 10, 2009, 08:50:33 PM
    CATHOLIC HORSES 


    One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

    Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
  Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest hd blessed won the race.

    Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

    Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

    Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..

    True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.

     Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

    Confronting the old priest he demanded,  'Father! What happened?

    All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.    Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

    The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on April 13, 2009, 12:13:28 AM
Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex.

It happens once every 4 years.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on April 15, 2009, 01:55:59 PM
There are two dyslexics in the kictchen,

One turns round to the other and says " Can you smell Gas?"

the other one says "Smell Gas? i cant even smell my own name"

:D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 16, 2009, 02:08:08 PM
Golf Balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked;





"Does it hurt as  much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 16, 2009, 02:22:00 PM
This ones for the women on the board (all 3 of them)


   



 

 

 

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?   

(because they are plugged into a genius)

--------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

-------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

--------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

--------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

-------------------------------------

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

--------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

--------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

--------------------------------------

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

-------------------------------------

And the personal favourite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

--------------------------------------

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'



'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'



He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ...'



And they say blondes are dumb...

------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'



The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'



'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

--------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A: A rumour

------- ------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN

--------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?



A: They are practising to be men.

--------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?



A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?



A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

--------------------------------------

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!  And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

 

 











 

 


 





 

 








 

________________________________________
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on April 17, 2009, 09:55:01 AM
An old lady turns to her son at the old folks home:

"Oh dear, she giggles, "I seem to have let out a

silent fart. What should I do?"

"Well", says her son, "I'd get a new battery for

your hearing aid."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 17, 2009, 11:00:26 AM
The World's shortest fairytale...

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "no!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went fishing, played lots of golf, cricket, drank beer & scotch, left the toilet seat up, farted and w**ked whenever he wanted.....the end.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 17, 2009, 11:43:04 AM
Paddy & Mick were at the morgue to identify Seamus's body that had been badly burnt. Paddy goes in 1st and turns the body over and looks at his arse and says "nope, thats not him". Mick goes next and again he turns the body over and looks at Seamus's arse and says "your right Paddy, thats not Seamus". The Doctor says "How do you know it's not him" and Mick replies "because when we all used to go out together folk would say..."here comes Seamus with the two assholes!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on April 17, 2009, 11:59:49 AM
Last week I had to visit my local doctor's surgery. While I was waiting to see the doctor a pregnant woman came into the room and sat down next to a middle aged man. Nobody was talking so I guess the middle aged man decided to break the silence. He turned to the pregnant woman and asked "what do you hope it is? With that she replied "My husband's.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the green man on April 17, 2009, 12:25:22 PM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for the rest of my life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera, "she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............


"They must have seen you coming"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Diet Coke on April 19, 2009, 09:34:45 AM
The cost of burial plots have risen sharply.........reason given........cost of living :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 20, 2009, 09:18:52 AM
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel., Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 20, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 20, 2009, 02:07:27 PM
This may well have been posted b4 but i couldn't find it so here it is just incase it's not:

Ear infection:
> They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have
> to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is
> embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you
> tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
>
> I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
> handled it.
>
> An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> desk....
> The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
> today?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
> The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
> crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
>
> 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
> The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room
> full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
> ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in
> private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
> ofstrangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
>
> The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
> The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice.
>
> 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
> 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 21, 2009, 02:49:00 PM
Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 21, 2009, 04:58:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on April 21, 2009, 04:59:38 PM
Quote from: gallsman on April 21, 2009, 04:58:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

Engineer, right?   :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 21, 2009, 05:01:06 PM
Quote from: gallsman on April 21, 2009, 04:58:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

Let an Engineer sort it for you...Com...for...table   Come for the bull..... ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 21, 2009, 05:02:34 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on April 21, 2009, 04:59:38 PM
Quote from: gallsman on April 21, 2009, 04:58:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...


Engineer, right?   :P
Not for another two months or so! Still very stuck! Apparently I can't spell "really" either!

Ah, I see, very good. Like the James Richardson quote: "Inter, like a man licking a millipede, have tasted defeat on many big occasions."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 21, 2009, 05:33:39 PM
I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: KCGaelicFootball on April 21, 2009, 07:10:53 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on April 21, 2009, 05:33:39 PM
I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.

Don't get it at all !!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 21, 2009, 07:16:43 PM
She sent a one word telegram which phonetically said "come for ta bull"









Everyday I try to educate you lot, and its a waste of time
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on April 21, 2009, 07:17:04 PM
Quote from: KCGaelicFootball on April 21, 2009, 07:10:53 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on April 21, 2009, 05:33:39 PM
I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.

Don't get it at all !!!

ok il explain this joke u see this joke has two meanings the wife only had one word she could write but had two stories to tell- great new shoes plus she got the bull need u to come for it she chose the word comfortable as:
. the shoes were comfortable
. comfortable- come for the bull (come for t ble)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: KCGaelicFootball on April 21, 2009, 07:36:59 PM
Twas this joke I didn't understand....

Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 21, 2009, 08:37:21 PM
Quote from: KCGaelicFootball on April 21, 2009, 07:36:59 PM
Twas this joke I didn't understand....

Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'



This has to be the biggest echo ever  :-\ 

(see 4 posts above)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: KCGaelicFootball on April 21, 2009, 08:42:08 PM
Quote from: hardstation on April 21, 2009, 08:39:49 PM
What?

Lame joke...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 22, 2009, 11:54:10 AM
Right lads this was sent to me from TacadoirArdmhacha and Rav67's friends at "Law school" during their training...

TacadoirArdmhacha: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I,
Cathy?"                       


TacadoirArdmhacha: And why did that upset
you?

WITNESS: My name is
Susan!                                                       
                                                                   

____________________________________________

TacadoirArdmhacha: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

                 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.


____________________________________________

             


TacadoirArdmhacha: Are you sexually
active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.



____________________________________________

                                       


TacadoirArdmhacha: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?

WITNESS:
Yes.                                                         


TacadoirArdmhacha: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?

WITNESS: I
forget.

                                                     
TacadoirArdmhacha: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?


___________________________________________




TacadoirArdmhacha: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both
do.                   


TacadoirArdmhacha: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We
do.                     


TacadoirArdmhacha: You
do?

WITNESS: Yes,
voodoo.               



____________________________________________

                                           


TacadoirArdmhacha: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?                         
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?

               

____________________________________



               
TacadoirArdmhacha: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your
IQ.

_____
______________________________________                 




TacadoirArdmhacha: Were you present when your picture was
taken?                   


WITNESS: Are you shitting
me?


_________________________________________

                                                   


TacadoirArdmhacha: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?                                                     
                               
WITNESS:
Yes.

TacadoirArdmhacha: And what were you doing at that
time?

               
WITNESS: getting
laid


____________________________________________

     


TacadoirArdmhacha: She had three children,
right?

WITNESS:
Yes.   


TacadoirArdmhacha: How many were
boys?

WITNESS:
None.     


TacadoirArdmhacha: Were there any
girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different lawyer. Can I
get Rav67


____________________________________________



                                                                     
Rav67: How was your first marriage
terminated?

WITNESS: By
death.

                                               
Rav67: And by whose death was it
terminated?

WITNESS: Take a
guess.

                       



____________________________________________

                 


Rav67: Can you describe the
individual?

             
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.

Rav67: Was this a male or a
female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
male.       



_____________________________________

                                                                   


Rav67: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?                                       
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.



______________________________________




Rav67: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.


_________________________________________

                                                 


Rav67: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?                                                         
                               
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.
m.

Rav67: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the
time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by
the time I
finished.


____________________________________________

                                               


Rav67: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?                                         
                                                           

______________________________________



                                                         
And the best for
last:



                                                                   
Rav67: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
pulse?

WITNESS:
No.

                             
Rav67: Did you check for blood
pressure?

WITNESS:
No.

               
Rav67: Did you check for
breathing?

WITNESS:
No.

     
Rav67: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?                                                           
WITNESS:
No.

Rav67: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?                           


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.

Rav67: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

             
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing
law.


There you go we have the two best trainee Lawyers in the board...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2009, 10:32:17 AM
Here's another,  this one sent to Deirdrie at the Sun;

Dear Deirdrie,

I am a man of 24 years and come from a large family.   My name may be familiar to many of your readers as my eldest brother plays for Glasgow Rangers Football Club.   My youngest brother is, unfortunately, serving life in Barlinnie Prison for multiple rape and also driving whilst under the influence of drink, together with being disqualified.  Two of my sisters had their own business – the Erotic Visiting Massage Service, but  gave it up when they realised they had lesbian tendencies towards each other.

My mother is a mentally retarded alcoholic and refuses to have anything to do with my father, since she discovered he is a practising homosexual, who has recently contracted Aids.   As she is now pregnant by the Pakistani, who owns the local Off-licence, the doctor says her Heroin addiction may affect my unborn half-brother.

Whilst inside Saughtoun Prison, I have been writing to a lovely girl of my own age.  As a ex-prostitute, with 6 beautiful children, two of them half-cast,  we plan to marry on my release, once her syphilis clears up.

My problem is,  how can I bring myself to tell her about my brother playing for Rangers..

Yours sincerely
...................
Name and address supplied
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2009, 10:44:38 AM
This one's  about the Italian who went to Detroit, USA.

Now you must read this with an Italian accent.

" Ona day Ima gonna Detroit to begga hotel.   Inna morning, I go downa to eata breakfast.     I tella the waitress  I wanna two pissis toast.  She bringa me only one piss.    I tella her I wanna two piss.  She say go toa the toilet.  I say, you no understand.  I wanna two piss onna my plate.   She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.   I don't know the lady and she tella me sonna ma bitch.

Later,  I go out to eat at the bigga restauranta.   The waitress bringa me a spoon and knife but no fock.     I tella her I wanna fock.   She tella me every on wanna fcok.  I tella her you no understanda, I wanna fock on the table.    She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to ma room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.     I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.   He tella me to go to the toilet.   I  say you no understanda, I wanna shit onna ma bed.   He say you better no shit onna da bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say " Peace on You ".      I say pis onna you too, you sonna ma bitch.      I gonna back to Italy.!!!! 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2009, 10:47:54 AM
All about Sex....

For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd.    Now everyone calls his/her dog Rover, but I decided to name mine Sex.    When he ran away one night and I was out looking for him, a Policeman stopped me and asked, " What are you doing in this alley at 4 am "

I said " Looking for Sex "  -  My case case up next Thursday.

I went to the City Hall to get a Dog licence and I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex.  He said, " I'd like to have one too ".

But this is a dog,  I said.  He said he didn't care what she looked like.

When I said " You don't understand – I have had Sex since I was 2 years old ", he said,  " You must have been a very strong baby ".

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog.   I told the judge I had had Sex before I was married and the judge said,  " Me too ".
When I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me,  he said  " Me too ".

Then I told him that I had Sex on TV.   He called me a show-off and said that I should have sold tickets.

I also told him that we had taken the dog on our Honeymoon.  When we checked into the Hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.  The clerk said that every room in the Hotel was suitable for Sex.
Then I said,  "  You don't understand -  Sex keeps me awake at night ".

The clerk said  " Me too ".

Then the Judge said,  " Me too ".

I acknowledged defeat and gave my wife Sex in the courtroom.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2009, 10:56:00 AM
ANOTHER LIVERPOOL CLASSIC !
 
 

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
 

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the
children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'   

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
 
'OK, and who's next?'
 
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
 
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to
the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm
seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?'   

'Ah that's easy I call them by their surnames!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2009, 10:57:30 AM
Mating Call

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.



The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'



The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us.



Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' I mmediately,
there was the answer,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.



He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.



The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in
this cave!'



He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of
the local newspaper read...............






You'll like this

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on April 24, 2009, 11:44:47 AM
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on April 24, 2009, 11:54:57 AM
Quote from: maddog on April 24, 2009, 11:44:47 AM
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Jimmy Carr?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on April 24, 2009, 11:56:41 AM
Quote from: gallsman on April 24, 2009, 11:54:57 AM
Quote from: maddog on April 24, 2009, 11:44:47 AM
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Jimmy Carr?

I thought that when it was emailed to me. Sounds like his style.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on April 24, 2009, 11:58:48 AM
I was standing behind an old lady at an ATM when she asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on April 28, 2009, 02:23:39 PM
Tyrone Dictionary
>
> Cyat/Cyar etc - cat/car: 'feed that cyat wud ye!'
>
> Paturl - 'put some paturl in that cyar'
>
> Aeeigh (said while breathing in) - Usually said to affirm a statement or simply to break an awkward silence
>
> Next nor near it - close to something: 'I cudn't get parked next nor near it'
>
> Red up - Tidy up
>
> Kyip - A messy place: 'Red up that kyip!'
>
> Stall the bailer - stop
>
> Bail on - keep going (both these phrases are used most frequently when teaching someone to drive in Tyrone)
>
> Through other - Disorganised
>
> Tara - Terribly: 'Those boys are tara through other'. It can also strangely be used to describe dislike for something: 'That bacon's not tara '
>
> Curtin' - going out/dating
>
> Stepping out together - see curtin'
>
> Graze a stipe - Type of bird used to describe marshy or bad farmland: 'Sure ye cudn't graze a stipe there!'
>
> Docket - Any type of paperwork whether it be a receipt for a cow or a cinema ticket
>
> Han - Hand
>
> Fut - Foot
>
> Me - My: 'A hurt me fut takin that cyat to the island'
>
> Santee - Santa Clause
>
> Put her broadside - making a car skid sideways
>
> That be's good - Gibberish grammar used to describe an enjoyable event in the past tense
>
> The mara - Tomorrow
>
> Soople - Flexible/Fit
>
> Not a hate - nothing, usually used in response to the question 'any money on ye?'
>
> Bate that inta ye - Eat up
>
> Lep - jump
>
> Lept - jumped: 'I lept into that shuck'
>
> State a ye/ Some state - Messy or emaciated appearance: 'you're in some state now'
>
> Ice crame - Ice cream
>
> Mineral - any fizzy drink
>
Howl that - Hold that

Uvan - Oven

Mur - Mirror

Luk - Look: 'Luk in the mur to see the state a ye'

Cubs/Cutties - boys/girls

Hows she cuttin? - How's it goin?

Full a the blade! - the inevitable answer

Quern - Very: 'its quern hot boy'

Wile hanlin - A difficult situation

Snat azy - its not easy (usually when complaining about work)

Yonder - over there

Fierce - good in the extreme

Hardy weather - freezing outside

Hoke - look for something

Mighty - see fierce

Not a pile - not doing anything: 'up to much the night?' 'ah, not a pile'

Well - simultaneously says hello and how are you

Parful - see fierce

Quare - very

Quit - stop

Rare bein - a strange individual

Rightly - see well

Skitter - annoying child

Deadly feed - a large meal

Brutal - harsh

Butther - butter

Cawdin - messing about

Childer - offspring

Mere - come here I would like to tell you something

Filum - film

Foundered - very cold

Good man yerself - thank you very much

Hallion - a disruptive teenager
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 28, 2009, 03:18:05 PM
Man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips of her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "Kinky...i like it". She does the handstand and her husband pulls her legs apart and he puts his chin on her privates..."The boys down in the pub were right, a goatie would suit me!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 28, 2009, 04:14:16 PM
A man owned a small ranch In Texas.  The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
 
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
 
"Then there's the half-wit.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife  occasionally."
 
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: rory on April 28, 2009, 04:52:23 PM
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: bingobus on April 28, 2009, 05:14:02 PM
Quote from: rory on April 28, 2009, 04:52:23 PM
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 30, 2009, 02:16:28 PM
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f#%k yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Treasurer on May 01, 2009, 10:42:14 AM
(http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/treas2/image001.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: highorlow on May 01, 2009, 11:11:13 AM
Blonde wife calls hubby..

'i've run out of petrol and i'm scared to fill up because of swine flu,

Hubby 'you daft cow its in mexico not texaco'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 01, 2009, 11:56:54 AM
A woman with tiny tits goes to M&S and asks for a bra in size 32AAA. "We don't do any that small" said the girl so off she went to La Senza and asks for the same size, again she was told "we don't do any that small". After visiting several stores and getting the same answer, she storms into Debenhams. She marches up to the counter, takes off her top and yells: "Do you have anything for these?" to which the assistant replied "have you tried clearasil?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on May 01, 2009, 07:43:25 PM
A young lady and her boyfriend are in bed about to have sex when she notices there are only 5 condoms left in a new box she bought for him last week. She asks what happened to the other 7, the boyfriend replies "well I masturbated with them on not to make a mess."
She says "oh you didn't want to make a mess, OK".

The next day she is at lunch with a male co-worker and tells him the story of the condoms and asks if he ever did that?
The co-worker replies "yes", she says "I didn't realize men masturbated with condoms on." The co-worker replies "No, I never masturbated with a condom on, I thought you were talking about lying to my girlfriend."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 01, 2009, 08:15:02 PM
Very good!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 03, 2009, 12:44:20 PM
With all that intense debate on other threads about sectarianism, here is a message of hope:   

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'............
(You're going to love this................................).




























I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian !!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: wdusln on May 03, 2009, 01:35:50 PM
They said that whenever a black man became president pigs would fly,
100 days later swine flu!
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on May 04, 2009, 08:58:11 PM
Childer!!!

I thought this was funny...Johnny Hero was asking the listeners on Downtown today to send in examples of when their children dropped them in it.

This boyo phoned in to tell him about his wee girl making her holy communion...up she went...all angelic and holy in her wee white dress and tiara to get the host.


The priest gives her the holy communion and there she is coming back down the aisle with the hands joined and the eyes closed in prayer....however halfway down the aisle she opens the eyes.... spies her father who is on the other side of the chapel..... she shouts at the top of her voice


"Are you going for a pint now Da?" :-\

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 04, 2009, 09:31:12 PM
Tis funny, and sad, and true.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 04, 2009, 10:10:58 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2009, 09:31:12 PM
Tis funny, and sad, and true.

what is sad about it? a man going for a pint... so what?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 05, 2009, 08:25:58 AM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on May 04, 2009, 10:10:58 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2009, 09:31:12 PM
Tis funny, and sad, and true.

what is sad about it? a man going for a pint... so what?

I just got the notion that Dad was more interested in getting a pint than the girls ceremony - why else would she know what her Dad wanted. Some parents consider it the child's day, and take them out for dinner, or visit grandparents etc
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on May 05, 2009, 08:34:28 AM
I'd agree with Orior's notion - I'd go further, even at that age the young girl recognises that any family celebration involves her Father and alcohol, and it is sad.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gander on May 05, 2009, 10:44:55 AM
Lighten up lads!  Maybe the Da goes for a pint after mass.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 05, 2009, 11:17:30 AM
A fat bird in a bar says "if you can guess my weight u can screw me". Bloke says "93 stone you fat ugly bitch", she says "thats close enough you lucky bastard"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on May 05, 2009, 12:30:31 PM
Whatdoesthebiglongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboarddo?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 05, 2009, 01:11:26 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on May 05, 2009, 12:30:31 PM
Whatdoesthebiglongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboarddo?

Verygoodindeed, side line kick
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 02:52:27 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on May 04, 2009, 10:10:58 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2009, 09:31:12 PM
Tis funny, and sad, and true.

what is sad about it? a man going for a pint... so what?

I'm guessing when you're sons made their first holy communication, you were chomping at the bit to get to the local eh.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 05, 2009, 02:59:42 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 02:52:27 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on May 04, 2009, 10:10:58 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2009, 09:31:12 PM
Tis funny, and sad, and true.

what is sad about it? a man going for a pint... so what?

I'm guessing when you're sons made their first holy communication, you were chomping at the bit to get to the local eh.

That is very hurtful Zigy -I would not miss my boy's communion and with help from friends was able to watch it by live video linkup from our local. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on May 05, 2009, 03:00:37 PM
Whats got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on May 05, 2009, 03:04:42 PM
Ah that reminds me of one of my old favourites.

What has 10 legs and can't walk?

2 and a half dead dogs.

Oh and another:

What do Osama Bin Laden and David Beckham have in common?

Both of them have beards except for David Beckham  :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on May 05, 2009, 03:08:21 PM
Saw my mate the other day, he's only got one arm.

'Where you off to?' I shouted

'To chage a light bulb.' He said

'That's going to be awkward, isn't it?' I replied

'No...I've still got the receipt!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 03:14:28 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(

Doesn't affect me personally. I just pity the poor child. In one of the most important days of the young child's life, all she or he wants is a little love and attention of Dad. Imagine how upsetting it would be, to see Dad looking at his watch so he can make up the time in the pub.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 05, 2009, 03:32:02 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 03:14:28 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(

Doesn't affect me personally. I just pity the poor child. In one of the most important days of the young child's life, all she or he wants is a little love and attention of Dad. Imagine how upsetting it would be, to see Dad looking at his watch so he can make up the time in the pub.

:'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on May 05, 2009, 03:37:41 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 03:14:28 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(

Doesn't affect me personally. I just pity the poor child. In one of the most important days of the young child's life, all she or he wants is a little love and attention of Dad. Imagine how upsetting it would be, to see Dad looking at his watch so he can make up the time in the pub.

I would say all they want is whatever confirmation money they can get their hands on
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:51:56 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 03:14:28 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(

Doesn't affect me personally. I just pity the poor child. In one of the most important days of the young child's life, all she or he wants is a little love and attention of Dad. Imagine how upsetting it would be, to see Dad looking at his watch so he can make up the time in the pub.

I would imagine most of the children would be lookin at their watch and lookin out of there as well.  I certainly don't think they would see the day as that important, I can't even remember mine tbh, what's that exciting about eating a bit of cardboard?  I now understand what the eucharist is representing but I don't really think I could have understood the conception of God, Jesus and the body of Christ all being rolled into an edible object at the age of seven.  Could you?
Or am I now going to hell? ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Doogie Browser on May 05, 2009, 04:07:01 PM
Whats a Derry womans favourite wine?


"you're not going out the night again are ye?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 04:24:23 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:51:56 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 03:14:28 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on May 05, 2009, 03:04:13 PM
what a bunch of judger's?  Let the man have a beer if he wants one, its not affecting anything you do, at least he's not drinking during the ceremony like the feckin priest!  Wineo... :'(

Doesn't affect me personally. I just pity the poor child. In one of the most important days of the young child's life, all she or he wants is a little love and attention of Dad. Imagine how upsetting it would be, to see Dad looking at his watch so he can make up the time in the pub.

I would imagine most of the children would be lookin at their watch and lookin out of there as well.  I certainly don't think they would see the day as that important, I can't even remember mine tbh, what's that exciting about eating a bit of cardboard?  I now understand what the eucharist is representing but I don't really think I could have understood the conception of God, Jesus and the body of Christ all being rolled into an edible object at the age of seven.  Could you?
Or am I now going to hell? ;)

I remember both my First Confession, First Holy Communion and Confirmation days with each affection.

If you think that First Holy Communion is just about eating a bit of cardboard, well then I'm not a bit surprised you don't remember the day.

Still each to their own, I'm not one to preach.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: naka on May 05, 2009, 04:37:01 PM
daughters holy communion on the 30th, wife had arranged for the 2 families to go out for a meal on the sunday til my wee lad( aged 6) pipes up, " i`m not going armagh are playing that day and i`m going to clones  he made me proud as to where his allegiances lay
needless to say the family meal on the sunday has been postponed as duaghter is also going to clones
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 05, 2009, 04:44:03 PM
Quote from: naka on May 05, 2009, 04:37:01 PM
daughters holy communion on the 30th, wife had arranged for the 2 families to go out for a meal on the sunday til my wee lad( aged 6) pipes up, " i`m not going armagh are playing that day and i`m going to clones  he made me proud as to where his allegiances lay
needless to say the family meal on the sunday has been postponed as duaghter is also going to clones

:D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 05, 2009, 07:42:21 PM
BEWARE Potential B&Q scam
==================

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into a B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b*stard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 06, 2009, 12:03:31 PM
The only cow in a small village of Redhills stopped giving milk. The

people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across

in Monaghan for £200.

They brought the cow from Monaghan and the cow was wonderful. It produced

lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows

like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move

away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the

bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and

decided to ask the local Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount

our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back,!
she moves

forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the

side, she walks away to the other side even when the bull tries ambush

tactics when the cow is asleep, it instantly wakes up and refuses any

advances."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy

this cow in Monaghan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they

bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Monaghan?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from

Monaghan."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 06, 2009, 12:16:45 PM
lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on May 06, 2009, 12:53:57 PM
Police have confirmed that 2 Premiership footballers had their houses burgled on the same night. Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales caps,10 premership medals 2 Champions League, 1 European cup winners, 5 FA Cup, 1 League Cup, 2 World club champions, 8 Charity shield and 1 Super cup medals. fernando torres has lost a kettle and a toaster.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 06, 2009, 12:55:04 PM
Newsflash...Police said a woman with diahorrea was analy raped by 4 men in a vintage car. Police said it was a shitty shitty gang bang.

I'll get my coat... :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on May 06, 2009, 12:57:58 PM
Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

I'll get my coat and maybe hide for a while.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on May 07, 2009, 01:54:16 AM
Max Mosley's son has died,
I cant afford Flowers, But Maybe i should
Have a WHIP round, Max would like that !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 07, 2009, 09:28:41 AM
What does Ricky Hatton & Gary Glitter have in common...?

They both went down after trying to take a little Phillipino in the ring
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 07, 2009, 05:16:59 PM
Picture the scene. The Rangers dressing room before the old firm game and the players are about to get their team talk. "Right lads i want 100% commitment from the word go against these B***ards. Remember they are f**king Fenian's and are full of tattie-munching bog-trotters from the Emerald Isle. I don't care if you kick, punch or head butt your way to victory. Good luck and God save the Queen". Then Walter Smith walks in and says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on May 07, 2009, 09:53:52 PM
I have just been on my sat nav to try and find Chelsea. Apparently its 2 mins from Rome.

Why do women love Chelsea?

They can stay on top for ninety minutes and still come second!

A Chelsea fan walks into a Library and asks for a book on Penalties.

The Librarian says f**k off you ain't getting one!

John Terry has been quoted as saying he feels Chelsea were robbed against Barcelona.

Marks & Spencers have said "Now he knows how we feel when his mum has been in store".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on May 07, 2009, 09:57:20 PM
Police have confirmed that two Premier League footballers had their houses broken into last night.

Ryan giggs has lost;
- 70 Wales Caps
- 10 FA Premier League Winners Medals
- 2 UEFA Champions League Winners Medals
- 1 UEFA European Cup Winners Cup Winners Medal
- 5 FA Cup Winners Medals
- 1 Football League Cup Winners Medal
- 2 World Club Cup Winners Medals
- 8 FA Charity Shield/FA Community Shield Winners Medals
- 1 UEFA Super Cup Winners Medal

Emmanuel Adebayor has lost a kettle and a toaster.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on May 07, 2009, 10:41:36 PM
Nice to have the same joke, albeit better formatted, on the same page.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on May 08, 2009, 12:58:17 PM
Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your c#ck up a womans a#s!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on May 09, 2009, 01:24:19 AM
What did they really dumb tribesman name his pet Zebra?   Spot

What is the quietest place on earth?   The complaint department at the parachute packing plant


My nephew told me these, not bad for a 12yo.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on May 09, 2009, 11:53:39 AM
Quote from: DrinkingHarp on May 09, 2009, 01:24:19 AM
What did they really dumb tribesman name his pet Zebra?   Spot

What is the quietest place on earth?   The complaint department at the parachute packing plant


My nephew told me these, not bad for a 12yo.



Not great either :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Armaghtothebone on May 09, 2009, 04:16:09 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on May 06, 2009, 12:53:57 PM
Police have confirmed that 2 Premiership footballers had their houses burgled on the same night. Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales caps,10 premership medals 2 Champions League, 1 European cup winners, 5 FA Cup, 1 League Cup, 2 World club champions, 8 Charity shield and 1 Super cup medals. fernando torres has lost a kettle and a toaster.

TORRES WAS REPORTED TO BE DISTRAUGHT AT THE LOSS OF HIS EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP MEDAL!!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on May 10, 2009, 08:34:42 PM
Suspicious car found at Liverpool John Lennon Airport.

Apparantly it was taxed, insured and still had the radio in it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 12, 2009, 02:23:05 PM
> The Hair Dryer
>
>
> A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
> beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
>
> "Of course. What may I do for you?"
>
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
> mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
> I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
> Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your
> robes perhaps?"
>
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
>
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
>
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
>
> The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
>
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
>
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
> have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
>
> "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
> which is, to date, unused."
>
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 12, 2009, 02:31:32 PM
> ONE FOR THE BOYS..
>
> Mick was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had just told them
> he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus
> wouldn't let him go.
>
>
> After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks
> Mick left to go back home to the missus.
>
>
> When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common
> the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of
> the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast
> stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
>
>
> " How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""
>
>
> I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply.
>
>
> " When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with
> a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and
> covered my eyes and said, " Surprise "
>
>
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
> the bed and you can do what ever you want .'
>
>
> SO HERE I AM !
>
>
> Cheers
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 14, 2009, 11:17:02 AM
This one sounds familiar so it may well have been posted b4 ???


First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.





The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist
to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.





He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.



The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!'





The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on May 16, 2009, 11:52:08 AM
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once.

Your move Jesus...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 18, 2009, 02:13:39 PM
I assume these complaints came from the Brits...lol

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)
 
 
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
 

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
 
 
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
 
 
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign
on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
 
 
"The beach was too sandy."
 
 
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
 
 
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
 
 
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
 
 
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
 
 
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
 
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, yet it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
 
 
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
 
 
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
 
 
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners."
 
 
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
 
 
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
 
 
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
 
 
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I
find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 18, 2009, 02:19:35 PM


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 18, 2009, 05:23:23 PM
Teacher asks the class to name things that eat things...1st guy up says "alligator", very good thats a big word. 2nd boy says "Predator", very good, thats another big word. the 3rd guy says "vibarator miss", thats a big word but it doesn't eat anything!!!. "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on May 19, 2009, 10:38:29 AM
Dub In A Pub.     Young son goes down to the pub and puts his head in the door and says "Da, I came down to tell you that I have got the leading part in the School Play" and da say's, "and what is the play about?"   Son say's , its about a couple who have been married for twenty five years and the Da say's, " good man, keep going to the classes and you might get a part with talking in it"  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 20, 2009, 09:32:37 AM
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice..'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that,  OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: downgirl on May 20, 2009, 10:02:09 PM
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
> -
> The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the
> Falls and the Shankill.
>
> The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how
> unemployed youths from the Falls and Shankill areas of Belfast were
> able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
> equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
> with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
>
> Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold
> move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international
> recognition of the UK under New Labour.
>
> As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had
> the advantage over every team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first
> practice session, the Falls and Shankillpit crew successfully changed
> the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
> bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of
> Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on May 22, 2009, 08:48:06 AM
I once went into a shop and asked for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps.

The lady behind the counter said they didnt have any.

So I asked for plain flavour instead. *


:D


* Orior is gonna flip!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on May 22, 2009, 10:26:06 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son ... He gives the young boy 3 ten pence pieces to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the CSA" (Child Support Agency).
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 26, 2009, 02:53:21 PM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
;
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 27, 2009, 04:41:47 PM
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.
 
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
 
I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jazuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before  and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 27, 2009, 04:58:47 PM
I'm pretty sure these have been posted b4 (couldn't find them). they're that good here they are again


VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably 
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer 
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on May 27, 2009, 05:01:26 PM
Quote from: illdecide on May 27, 2009, 04:58:47 PM
I'm pretty sure these have been posted b4 (couldn't find them). they're that good here they are again


VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!



fec off!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 29, 2009, 02:12:08 PM
How to screw in a light bulb....


(http://www.myspacelayoutscreator.com/imghost/721/hump%20day%20Screwing-in-a-lightbulb.jpg)


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 29, 2009, 02:21:02 PM
A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?


The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"


Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian....
This is why we survive
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 02, 2009, 09:19:13 AM
The Snake and the Bunny
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan,I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 02, 2009, 10:36:52 PM
Q. Why did the Chicken cross the road?
A. Because the Russians were setting fire to his house, LOL LOL
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
hang on
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait a minute
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I meant Chechen, not chicken.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on June 03, 2009, 08:16:56 AM
Thanks Lee Mack  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Yes I Would on June 04, 2009, 01:19:35 PM
IRISH  SAUSAGES

Shamus  and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,  they could only raise the staggering sum of one  Euro.

Murphysaid 'Hang on, I have an  idea.'

He  went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large  sausage.

Shamus  said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at  all!'

Murphyreplied, 'Don't worry - just follow  me.'

He  went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinnessand two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus  said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't  got any money!!'

Murphyreplied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan ,  Cheers! '

They  downed their Drinks. Murphysaid, 'OK, I'll stick the  sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your  mouth.'

The  barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them  out.

They  continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for  free.

At  the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm  drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy   said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember  which pub I lost the sausage in.'   

 

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Derry Dolly on June 04, 2009, 01:33:07 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'  'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.
Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty? '
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'   'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Derry Dolly on June 04, 2009, 01:37:19 PM
 6 Reasons Not to Mess with Children.

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

(2)

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(3)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(4)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

(5)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

(6)   
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

   

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 05, 2009, 11:51:19 AM
 Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen hookers than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks
'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing s ** Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents babeed? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 07, 2009, 11:08:33 PM
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RMDrive on June 08, 2009, 08:00:08 AM
I quit my job at the Helium factory. I just wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 09, 2009, 09:41:21 AM
David  Letterman's Top Ten Reasons 
Why  Golf Is Better Than  Sex..... 

#10...  A below par performance 
is  considered damn good.

#9...  You can stop in the middle 
and  have a cheeseburger
and  a couple of beers.

#8....  It's much easier to 
find  the sweet spot.

#7..  Foursomes are encouraged.

#6...  You can still make money 
doing  it as a senior.

#5...  Three times a day is possible

#4...  Your partner doesn't hire 
a  lawyer  if you play with someone else.

#3...  If you live in Florida, you 
can do it almost  everyday.

#2...  You don't have to cuddle 
with  your partner  when you're finished.

And  the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than  sex.... 


#1..  If your equipment gets old 
and  rusty, you can replace it!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JohnMitchellInman on June 09, 2009, 12:31:35 PM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine..


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').


8 Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking
'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: leenie on June 09, 2009, 07:13:08 PM
how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 09, 2009, 07:53:53 PM
Quote from: leenie on June 09, 2009, 07:13:08 PM
how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


And were you in the bed at the time?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: leenie on June 09, 2009, 08:31:08 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 09, 2009, 07:53:53 PM
Quote from: leenie on June 09, 2009, 07:13:08 PM
how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


And were you in the bed at the time?


your not as slow as ya walk easy!!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: downgirl on June 09, 2009, 08:34:47 PM
What were you in Downpatrick for Leenie?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: downgirl on June 09, 2009, 08:37:34 PM
Borisky and Petoski are two Polish beggars.
> They beg in different areas of town.
> Borisky begs just as long as Petoski but only collects 2 or 3 euros
> every day.
> However, Petoski brings home a suitcase FULL of EUR10 notes, drives a
> Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
> spend.
> Borisky says to Petoski, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
> how do you bring home a suitcase full of EUR10 notes every day?'.
> Petoski says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
> Borisky's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'
> Petoski says, ' No wonder you only get EUR3.00'
> Borisky says,
> 'So what does your sign say?' Petoski shows Borisky his sign.
> It reads,
> 'I only need another EUR10.00 to move back to Poland
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: leenie on June 09, 2009, 08:43:34 PM


just work related
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Over the Bar on June 10, 2009, 12:53:57 AM
Did ye hear about the 4 Musketeers from Anfield?

Won 4-1 and won f*ck-all!  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 10, 2009, 09:39:49 AM
Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizers
were invented, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product
is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow
it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport), which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on June 10, 2009, 10:54:52 AM
Fascinating illdecide.  I'm just after a ship high in transport there as well... :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 10, 2009, 11:36:45 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on June 10, 2009, 10:54:52 AM
Fascinating illdecide.  I'm just after a ship high in transport there as well... :D

did she get around the "U bend" ok :D :D :D

Sounds like a 3 flusher ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gorm agus bui on June 10, 2009, 12:19:06 PM
Quote from: leenie on June 09, 2009, 07:13:08 PM
how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

But did you not notice they were all wearing Kilclief jersies
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 12, 2009, 09:36:36 AM
7 types of sex...

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say .... 'F*%k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.


WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: norabeag on June 14, 2009, 12:16:16 PM
Quote from: gorm agus bui on June 10, 2009, 12:19:06 PM
Quote from: leenie on June 09, 2009, 07:13:08 PM
how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

But did you not notice they were all wearing Kilclief jersies
But they weren't planting them they were stealing the bloody things
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on June 14, 2009, 11:33:50 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 12, 2009, 09:36:36 AM
7 types of sex...

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say .... 'F*%k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.


WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN?


I'm at stage 5 with my fiance but I'm at stage 1 with my girlfriend  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SLIGONIAN on June 17, 2009, 10:00:06 AM
IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them.  They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, 'Are you crazy ? Now we don't have any money at all !'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry ... just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.  Do you know how much trouble we will be in ?  We haven't got any money !!'

Murphy replied, with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan.  Cheers ! '

They downed their drinks.  Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this.  I'm drunk and me knees are killing me !'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel ?  I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in. :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Derry Dolly on June 17, 2009, 10:10:55 AM
check two pages back sir
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on June 17, 2009, 01:12:53 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 07, 2009, 11:08:33 PM
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'



This gets longball's stamp of approval best joke on this thread for a long time (IMO)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_YNS9O56ONgY/ShQpkRPWG2I/AAAAAAAABxQ/NqoD9Y1yE3E/s200/Stamp_of_Approval.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on June 17, 2009, 01:43:06 PM
Apologies is posted before

-------------------------------------------------------------------



This Maths Test can predict your all time most watched film. Mine was Star Wars.


Try it without looking at the answers, it works!!


Pick a number from 1-9,

Then multiply by 3,

Then add 3,

Then multiply by 3 again.


You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film,
It is;



1. Gone with the wind




2. Aliens




3. Star Wars




4. Forrest Gump




5. Saving private Ryan




6. Jaws




7. Oliver




8. Grease




9. Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV




10. Mary Poppins
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on June 17, 2009, 01:55:09 PM
Quote from: Hoof Hearted on June 17, 2009, 01:43:06 PM
Apologies is posted before

-------------------------------------------------------------------



This Maths Test can predict your all time most watched film. Mine was Star Wars.


Try it without looking at the answers, it works!!


Pick a number from 1-9,

Then multiply by 3,

Then add 3,

Then multiply by 3 again.


You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film,
It is;



1. Gone with the wind




2. Aliens




3. Star Wars




4. Forrest Gump




5. Saving private Ryan




6. Jaws




7. Oliver




8. Grease




9. Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV




10. Mary Poppins


Didn't work for me.

Mine was Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam II but it said Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV  ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 17, 2009, 02:20:05 PM
9 Months Later....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So theyloaded upJack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.   


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleepin the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend ofskiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out,but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Boband asked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead
of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 17, 2009, 02:31:51 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundredand five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 17, 2009, 05:51:58 PM
Good true story.


After leaving the pub I was well oiled on a sunday nite and started to walk home. I was then lifted by a respectable member of society who usually would not be so fortcoming but decided to let me in on a wee secret.

Conversation as follows,

Well lad hows the form.

Me- Not to bad hi. Just in for a few to take the edge of last nite. Going home here now to hit the hay.

f**k i wish i was young again to be able to do that.

Me- Ah f**k it hi let the hair down.

(mOMENT F SILENCE)

Then the driver starts to fidget with his trousers and I slightly worry.

Here lad I cant wait til get home.

(Me thinking he has shit himself)

Me- Ok

I cant wait til get home ................. and get the wifes knickers off!!

(I turn bright purple out of sheer embarrassment and nod)

Me Ah rite fair play fella!

AYE CANT WAIT TIL GET HOME AND GET MY WIFES KNICKERS OFF!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE FUCKIN KILLIN ME!!!


Think i ended up near shittin myself with laughter!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SLIGONIAN on June 18, 2009, 08:07:24 AM
TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger :-\, There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man :D :D :D.

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops :-[.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Derry Dolly on June 18, 2009, 08:28:49 AM
Quote from: SLIGONIAN on June 18, 2009, 08:07:24 AM
TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger :-\, There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man :D :D :D.

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops :-[.
its ok sligonian..just dont let it happen again ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 18, 2009, 08:31:29 AM
A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on June 18, 2009, 09:05:37 AM
Quote from: full back on June 18, 2009, 08:31:29 AM
A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"

Thats perhaps the worst joke I have ever heard... :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 18, 2009, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on June 18, 2009, 09:05:37 AM
Quote from: full back on June 18, 2009, 08:31:29 AM
A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"

Thats perhaps the worst joke I have ever heard... :)

Nonsense screen, you know you were laughing your balls off
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2009, 09:40:04 AM
full back thats was pretty sh1t... :D and it's as old as tea saan ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 18, 2009, 09:42:55 AM
Quote from: illdecide on June 18, 2009, 09:40:04 AM
full back thats was pretty sh1t... :D and it's as old as tea saan ;)

Unless its been posted here before it is new saan
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SLIGONIAN on June 18, 2009, 10:59:21 AM
Quote from: Derry Dolly on June 18, 2009, 08:28:49 AM
Quote from: SLIGONIAN on June 18, 2009, 08:07:24 AM
TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger :-\, There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man :D :D :D.

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops :-[.
its ok sligonian..just dont let it happen again ;)

Not the first time a DD has kept me on the straight and narrow ;). thanks...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 18, 2009, 12:14:47 PM
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
>
> THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
>
> THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
>
> "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.  "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN
> THE THEATER."
>
> THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
> OVERALLS, THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
> THE THEATER.
>
> HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
>
> THE MOVIE STARTED, AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
> UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
>
> "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
> "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
>
> "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
>
> "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
>
> "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
> "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
>
> "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 18, 2009, 09:43:19 PM
New Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
 
* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................. who's sending the other one?
Title: VIZ
Post by: 5 Sams on June 18, 2009, 09:58:02 PM
Orior's obviously a fan as am I.

VIZ can blow hot and cold but the Top Tips are consistently superb......but check out the Fat Slags in the latest edition....fcukin class...


Just thinking  ???maybe VIZ deserves a thread of its own.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 19, 2009, 03:26:00 PM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 19, 2009, 03:28:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 19, 2009, 03:26:00 PM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..


:D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 19, 2009, 04:01:25 PM
Quote from: full back on June 19, 2009, 03:28:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 19, 2009, 03:26:00 PM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..


:D :D



Agree. Feakin hilarious!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 19, 2009, 04:22:40 PM
It's the way i tell them :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on June 19, 2009, 04:45:41 PM
MDB Project

There is outrage in Derry at the recent announcement by the internet giant Google that Derry is to be included in the Google Street View application. Google Street View allows users to navigate a city's streets right down at road level. The Google Street View car has already been seen travelling the streets of Derry taking pictures for it's web site.

There have been some concerns about privacy issues concerning Google Street View. When the Belfast edition was launched, it seemed that users where able to see inside police stations and identify car number plates, but Google has since removed these images.

There have been also concerns in Derry but for different reasons. 'Big'
Danny McCallion from Creggan claims that the car taking pictures may affect his career. "I do a wee few odd jobs now and then on the quiet, and then I sign on the dole as well, what if the car takes a picture of me working and then also takes a pic of me leaving the bru? It's a bloody disgrace, us Derry people are always getting picked on." said Danny.

Many people in Derry are disabled and the City has the highest level of Disability Living Allowance (DLA) claimants per 100 people in the UK.
This is evident with the number of BMW's and 4 Wheel drive jeeps in the city centre car parks that have the disabled driving badge on their window screens. Monica Bradley from Shantallow says she is worried about the affect that the Google Street View car may have on her disability. "Well I'm on the DLA for a sore arm and can't move that well. I have a wee special DLA car and I'm on a constant prescription of pain killers. But I work in a wee shop a few days a week so what if this Google car crashes into my DLA car? I'll not be able to work in my wee job. It's desperate altogether."

In the leafy Bogside there seemed to be more open minded views.
Mackers, standing outside the Bogside Inn along with several of his friends, all with their hoods up, had no concerns about the Google car taking pictures. "Lefal hi, sure I'll just keep the hood up and the Celtic scarf up round the face so they can take as many pictures as they want, I don't give a ****. As long as they don't take pictures of us torching tourist cars on William Street or lobbing bricks up at the
Fountain. You looking for any wingers then?"

Meanwhile in the notorious Ballymagroarty housing estate, there are similar concerns. 'Bally Mac', as it affectionately known by it's residents, is famous due to having in the early 1990's the highest concentration of single mothers in a housing estate in Western Europe.
Concerned mother Sharon Chelsea Jordan Doherty spoke of her concerns for the privacy of her 4 children, Kimberly, Mikado, Coconut and Treat.
"It's an f'ing disgrace, me and the 4 wains different da's are all down as separated but 2 of them still live here and 2 use my address as a dole drop so and what if the car takes a picture of them up around my house? We should have been consulted about this you know."

Paddy O'Flaherty, well known local greyhound trainer and local Sinn Fein Councillor says that Google will have a fight on their hands if they think they are going to take pictures of Derry. "Derry has got nothing over the years and we still have nothing. Belfast has got everything and gets everything. If Google think they are going to put Derry on the map then they have another thing coming." stated Paddy.

No one from Google was available for comment though they did release a statement saying that indeed Derry was due to be included in their street view plans and had a project label of MDB, but denied that this 3 letter project code was an abbreviation of 'Moaning Derry B*st*rds'.


everyone in my office just looked at me for laughing out loud at those level of insanity tips, thanks very much illdecide!  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 21, 2009, 08:02:22 PM
Guy goes into the confessional box..  He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.  "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 23, 2009, 11:22:14 AM
Hardstation and Saffron Sam - look away now
============================



A little old Belfast lady was walking down the Andersonstown Road dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing  this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag.

Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find  them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the Casement Park car park.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee  through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to  really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not  make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by  the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab   hold of it and say, 'O.K., mucker! Give me £20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 23, 2009, 02:24:06 PM
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life; that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\\
\\
...'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on June 24, 2009, 12:04:14 PM
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel.  Realizing he needed a haircut
before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there
was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from
your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl.  Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
"Why not?" thought the salesman.  He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.  Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need
When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.  When the
machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed
out.  Fifteen seconds later it shut off.  With trembling hands, the salesman was
able to withdraw his tender unit...  which now had a button sewn on the end.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on June 24, 2009, 12:10:45 PM
True story my Da told me the other day.

Some old man around about our way who lived on his own, had no license, got around on a bike, etc., etc.  You know the kind of character I'm portraying.  

He always drank in the same pub and all the other regulars/bar staff got to know him quite well as he'd be quite fond of a drop.
Well, his 70th birthday was approaching and as he'd never been outside the country, the barstaff/customers decided to have a whip round and buy him a flight to visit his only remaining sister who lived in Manchester.  Nothing much but a nice gesture all the same.
So the week before his birthday the flights and all were booked, and when your man landed into the pub he was told they had bought him this trip for his 70th birthday.  He was surprised and delighted at the generosity and the chance to get over to visit his sister.

Anyway, his birthday arrives and he's booked in for his flight the next day.  As it's his birthday, he decides to go to the pub for a few quiet ones.  The few quiet ones turns into quite a few and the whole thing ends up blocked.  Anyway, the next day arrives and a few of the lads from the pub head over to leave him to the airport as he can't drive.  

They arrive at the ariport and leave him off, wishing him good luck and all the rest.  Your man has about and hour or two to kill before his flight so decides to head to the bar for one to settle the nerves/the cure.  One turns into two and so on and so forth, it isn't too long until your man is half blocked again.  The next thing he knows he just wakens up.  He see's two ladies in uniform walking past and stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what airline do you work for?  Have we landed yet?"

The two ladies respond, "Sir, your in Antrim Area Hospital, I'm afraid you passed out in the airport."

My hero...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: take_yer_points on June 24, 2009, 02:40:38 PM
Apologies if this has been posted before!

From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 25, 2009, 12:25:17 PM
this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on June 25, 2009, 01:12:38 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 25, 2009, 12:25:17 PM
this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"


i heard it was a Kerryman that said it in Irish the first time round.  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on June 25, 2009, 01:16:43 PM
Quote from: stpauls on June 25, 2009, 01:12:38 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 25, 2009, 12:25:17 PM
this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"


i heard it was a Kerryman that said it in Irish the first time round.  ;D

I've heard many many versions. Always had an Englishman at the river funnyily enough.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 25, 2009, 03:50:35 PM
The oldies are the best..........



A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

...

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

...

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

...

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

...

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

...


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." (seen one, seen 'em all)

...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... erm,

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: bridgegael on June 25, 2009, 04:45:40 PM
man stood on a nail at work and went to the doc to get it checked out.  doctor told him he is HIV positive.  man says "how the hell could that have happened"  doc says  "well it must have been a bent nail"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 26, 2009, 09:24:48 AM
An old regular in the pub was about to turn eighty, so a few of the lads decided to have a little celebration. They brought a few bottles and six packs back to his place and as the highlight of the night they organised a professional lady to come around and give him a good time. So the doorbell rings and she's standing there in a skimpy get-up that wouldn't dust a fiddle.

Helloooo, she says. Would you like some super sex?
- Wha? I'm a bit deaf - what did you say?

I said I'm here to give you super sex.
- Oh grand ... I'll have the soup.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 09:29:16 AM
lol lmao  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 26, 2009, 10:22:16 AM
Restrain yourself I'lldecide
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 26, 2009, 10:23:03 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,  'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
How do you find Will Smith when he gets lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 02:01:31 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
How do you find Will Smith when he gets lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

shite!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on June 26, 2009, 02:05:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on June 26, 2009, 10:16:07 AM
They're not blaming it on the sunshine or moonlight at this point, but apparently the boogie is yet to be ruled out


What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Fergie will be playing Giggs in August.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Films?    Disney films can still touch kids


There may still be hope of bringing Michael Jackson back!     Apparently they've sent one of the Charlie's Angels in after him.


Doctors say that Michael Jackson will be donating his organs to children... again


Michael Jackson's last request was to be cremated and for his ashes to be put in an etch-a-sketch so kids could still play with him.


You're going to hell for that stuff...  very good tho  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 02:10:44 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 02:01:31 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
How do you find Will Smith when he gets lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

shite!

Who says it has to be tasteless to upset people?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyronefella on June 26, 2009, 02:37:16 PM
[Mod3] I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you haven't been on the other threads, but jokes like that are subject to a 5 day ban.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on June 26, 2009, 03:16:56 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 02:01:31 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
How do you find Will Smith when he gets lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

shite!


Ah I don't know, found it quite humorous.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 03:17:43 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on June 26, 2009, 03:16:56 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 26, 2009, 02:01:31 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on June 26, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
How do you find Will Smith when he gets lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

shite!


Ah I don't know, found it quite humorous.

lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on June 27, 2009, 07:46:51 PM
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfect pint of Guinness, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the a perfect pint and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."  Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, hurling, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says ... real slowly ...

So ......... are ye gonna follie Tyrone again this year?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:20:21 PM
Just got this msg on my phone:


As a mark of respect to wacko jacko thousands of paedophiles are putting on their white gloves and marching all over the North of Ireland...........on the 12th July! lol  ;D ::)

Prob already been on but ah well.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:22:06 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:20:21 PM
Just got this msg on my phone:


As a mark of respect to wacko jacko thousands of paedophiles are putting on their white gloves and marching all over the North of Ireland...........on the 12th July! lol  ;D ::)

Prob already been on but ah well.

Careful :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on June 29, 2009, 01:26:25 PM
Whos turn is it to report him. Goodbye HW&H been nice knowing ya!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:27:33 PM
Quote from: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:22:06 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:20:21 PM
Just got this msg on my phone:


As a mark of respect to wacko jacko thousands of paedophiles are putting on their white gloves and marching all over the North of Ireland...........on the 12th July! lol  ;D ::)

Prob already been on but ah well.

Careful :o

aye i know. going no further. dont want to end up exiled like the heroic sideline kick, i'll decide and screen exile. the mrytrs they are lol  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:27:43 PM
Quote from: longball on June 29, 2009, 01:26:25 PM
Whos turn is it to report him. Goodbye HW&H been nice knowing ya!

Cant be POG's turn ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: supersub on June 29, 2009, 01:29:02 PM
Ah you have to t(h)read carefully on the board at the mo with this sort of stuff, i'd keep away from it or there will be a distinct lack of posters available for selection over the next week or so!! :o :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:30:09 PM
Quote from: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:27:43 PM
Quote from: longball on June 29, 2009, 01:26:25 PM
Whos turn is it to report him. Goodbye HW&H been nice knowing ya!

Cant be POG's turn ;)
Quote from: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:27:43 PM
Quote from: longball on June 29, 2009, 01:26:25 PM
Whos turn is it to report him. Goodbye HW&H been nice knowing ya!

Cant be POG's turn ;)

jesus that man gets a tough time of it lol  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on June 29, 2009, 02:53:07 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:27:33 PM
Quote from: full back on June 29, 2009, 01:22:06 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 01:20:21 PM
Just got this msg on my phone:


As a mark of respect to wacko jacko thousands of paedophiles are putting on their white gloves and marching all over the North of Ireland...........on the 12th July! lol  ;D ::)

Prob already been on but ah well.

Careful :o

aye i know. going no further. dont want to end up exiled like the heroic sideline kick, i'll decide and screen exile. the mrytrs they are lol  ::)

Heroic??? I like that but I think it's screenmachine you're thinking of... he's only a ballix anyway as is sideline! At least illdecide provided some much needed humour to the Corny One For A Friday thread!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 03:17:16 PM
jesus sorry for the confusion! the other is a bit of a tard! lol ??? ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on June 29, 2009, 05:24:11 PM
Quote from: DirtyDozen12 on June 29, 2009, 04:39:19 PM
A cruise on the  Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only  3 Survivors;  Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they  lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women  to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt  absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex  with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad, that she killed  herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get  through it.
After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings  waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went  by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were  doing.

So they buried  Debbie.


im not gonna lie.....i laughed but yes you are a sick fcker!  ::) :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on July 01, 2009, 11:51:45 AM
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Katie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Katie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty
breeding, with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a
big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax,
then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
Towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Katie still had not climaxed so they went back
to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young
man have
sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Katie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other fo r about two and a
half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and
in a boasting voice said:


'And that, me son, is how ya waves a foockin' towel !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: supersub on July 10, 2009, 09:25:54 AM
Earlier today I saw a Newcastle season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'm having that!' 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?

I also always vowed if I won the lottery, I'd buy Newcastle United Football Club...it's just getting those bloody three numbers together...

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:03:51 PM
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.  That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:07:04 PM
   A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this
time?'


Boy - '£ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of
soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'


The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like
that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your terrible
sins.'


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again  you're in my
cupboard now'!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
 
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
 
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.
 
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; and (loaded withtwo itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!

' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.. .?
 
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
 
 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room..
 
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
 
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
 
 
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on July 10, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
It wasn't too difficult.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on July 10, 2009, 01:06:30 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on July 10, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
It wasn't too difficult.

x 2
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: amigo on July 10, 2009, 01:41:18 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on July 10, 2009, 01:06:30 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on July 10, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 10, 2009, 01:45:57 PM
Quote from: amigo on July 10, 2009, 01:41:18 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on July 10, 2009, 01:06:30 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on July 10, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3


Mise fosta....I just thought to myself...what a Joe Brolly..
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on July 10, 2009, 01:47:30 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 10, 2009, 01:45:57 PM
Quote from: amigo on July 10, 2009, 01:41:18 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on July 10, 2009, 01:06:30 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on July 10, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 10, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3


Mise fosta....I just thought to myself...what a Joe Brolly..

Legend  ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:19:04 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:22:40 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:19:04 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already  ::)

Well whatever you think ::) ::)There's no doubting your sex thats for sure
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:26:46 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:22:40 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:19:04 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already  ::)

Well whatever you think ::) ::)There's no doubting your sex thats for sure

Why thank you I am the sex.

This dude obviously male anyone else agree/disagree etc?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: supersub on July 10, 2009, 02:27:31 PM
Didnt know where to put this, pretty funny for a friday!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kN15IZGeMg
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:32:08 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:26:46 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:22:40 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:19:04 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already  ::)

Well whatever you think ::) ::)There's no doubting your sex thats for sure

Why thank you I am the sex.

This dude obviously male anyone else agree/disagree etc?

OK you win. Ive work to do and don't have the time nor patience to argue with your we immature comments.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:34:15 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:32:08 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:26:46 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:22:40 PM
Quote from: longball on July 10, 2009, 02:19:04 PM
Quote from: curvey on July 10, 2009, 02:16:37 PM
I thought it was funny...stupid males ::)

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already  ::)

Well whatever you think ::) ::)There's no doubting your sex thats for sure

Why thank you I am the sex.

This dude obviously male anyone else agree/disagree etc?

OK you win. Ive work to do and don't have the time nor patience to argue with your we immature comments.

Defo a dude.

Its nice to win one for a change. ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on July 13, 2009, 09:06:15 AM
A retired, poor farmer in the back end of Kerry decided he would like a little nookie one Saturday evening. So he arranged for a lady of the night to visit him. It so happened that she was Lithuanian, and after they had completed the bookie-business he asked her how much he owed her. "One hundred euro" she replied. "Oh, I don't have that kind of money", the farmer said. After some haggling, he said, but I do have this All Ireland medal. Anyway she realised she wasn't going to get her money, so she took the medal.

The next night after her duties had been completed with another Kerryman and he asked how much he owed her, she said "€150". "What?" the man replied, "that's very expensive". "Yes, but I have an All Ireland medal" the hooker said.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: curvey on July 13, 2009, 10:59:39 AM
Quote from: Billys Boots on July 13, 2009, 09:06:15 AM
A retired, poor farmer in the back end of Kerry decided he would like a little nookie one Saturday evening. So he arranged for a lady of the night to visit him. It so happened that she was Lithuanian, and after they had completed the bookie-business he asked her how much he owed her. "One hundred euro" she replied. "Oh, I don't have that kind of money", the farmer said. After some haggling, he said, but I do have this All Ireland medal. Anyway she realised she wasn't going to get her money, so she took the medal.

The next night after her duties had been completed with another Kerryman and he asked how much he owed her, she said "€150". "What?" the man replied, "that's very expensive". "Yes, but I have an All Ireland medal" the hooker said.

what did she say? R is it a secret :D

"I'm from Tyrone and we have plenty of those medals".lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 13, 2009, 11:04:49 AM
 :D :D :D Thats a cracker, not :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 16, 2009, 09:28:27 AM
Q. What do you call Bob the Builder during a recession?

A. Bob
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stpauls on July 16, 2009, 09:44:24 AM
Quote from: Orior on July 16, 2009, 09:28:27 AM
Q. What do you call Bob the Builder during a recession?

A. Bob

you been listening to Today FM by any chance Orior?  :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 16, 2009, 01:00:21 PM
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':



a.. 3% liked the warmth.



b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.











c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 16, 2009, 02:07:25 PM
Only you guys out there with kids would appreciate this wan...

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

______________________________________________________
Dummy:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

______________________________________________________
Nappies:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
____________________

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

______________ ________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: blewuporstuffed on July 17, 2009, 09:21:08 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D
(http://www.squareball.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/blow-jobs-ad.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 17, 2009, 10:03:23 AM
Thats old news mate.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on July 17, 2009, 10:15:32 AM
QuoteThats old news mate.

It's also the most amateur bit of photo-shopping in history.  You'd have thought they'd at least try to get the words 'jobs' & 'blow' level with one another when they switched them around.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 20, 2009, 09:59:55 AM
I've heard this b4 so chances are it could be posted already but it's Monday morning and i'm so tired so couldn't be bothered looking :(

MAN TEST

1.  If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.  It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah diet...f**got.

2.  If you have a cat, you are a homo.  A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed.  And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here!  I said get your ass over here, Killer!'  Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!'  Jeeez you're so queer.

3.  If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord.  A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits.  Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4.  If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.  A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5.  If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle.  A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'.  If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6.  If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes.  A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap.  If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay.  And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7.  If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle.  A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the p***k off.  The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

8.  If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 22, 2009, 04:11:07 PM
Are you dating or married to an Aussie birds? Send this to her and then come back here and tell us what happened next.
==========================================================================

Of course I love ya darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready there's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity but I know ya do ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now and I never tell ya lies
Cos I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch me another beer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on July 23, 2009, 06:54:11 PM


A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat.
As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo!
She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business".
I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Irish descent are the best.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm
sorry," she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Murphy"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 27, 2009, 02:57:07 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy a answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 27, 2009, 03:01:03 PM
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


******************************************************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Bill Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Bill.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Bill.
"How did it happen, Bill?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Bill.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda . . . no. . . . In fact, he got out three times to pee."


************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 27, 2009, 03:06:28 PM
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from " Slightly Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain -
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.



Nothing listed for the Irish - we'll have to make up our own. Suggest "Careful now" and escalating to "Ah feck it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 28, 2009, 12:15:14 PM
The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.  So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 28, 2009, 02:32:21 PM
What Starts with F and ends with K                             
                                                                           
             A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one
             of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your         
             problem?'                                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is
             in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter                               
             than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'       
                                                                           
                                           
             Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's   
             office.                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
             While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained 
             to the principal what the situation was. The principal told   
             Ms.. Brooks he would give the                                   
             boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
             to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.           
                                                                           
             Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him 
             and he agreed to take the test.                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Principal:                                               
             'What is 3 x 3?'                                               
                                                                           
             Harry:                                                         
             '9.'                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                   
             Principal:                                                     
             'What is 6 x 6?'                                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Harry:                                                         
             '36.'                                                       
                                                                           
             And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
             grader should know.                                           
                                                                           
             The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,               
             'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'                       
                                                                           
               
             Ms. Brooks says to the principal,                             
             'Let me ask him some questions.'                               
                                                                           
             The principal and Harry both agreed.                           
                                                                           
             Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have     
             only two of?'         
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'                                                         
                                                                           
                                                                           
             The principal wondered why she would ask such a question.                                                     
                                                                           
                           
             Harry replied: 'Pockets.'                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'       
                                                                           
                                                                   
             Harry:                                                         
             'Pants.'                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
             The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.         
                                                                           
             Ms. Brooks: 
             'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'   
                                                                           
             The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could   
             stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble                       
             gum..'                                                         
                                                                           
             Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does     
   sitting down and a dog                                         
             does on three legs?'                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Harry: 'Shake hands.'                                         
                                                                           
             The principal was trembling.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
             Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
             means a lot of heat and excitement?'                           
                                                                           
             Harry:                                                         
             'Firetruck.'                                                 
                                                                           
             The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the           
             teacher,                                                       
           


'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions 
             wrong.....'                                                   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 28, 2009, 03:41:43 PM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 29, 2009, 02:20:41 PM
Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 29, 2009, 03:12:37 PM
PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If itcomes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 30, 2009, 12:10:44 PM
I've heard this one b4 so sorry if it has been already been posted...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyroneman on July 30, 2009, 03:21:58 PM
Why cant stevie wonder see his friends?    Because hes married.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 31, 2009, 12:53:08 PM
Frozen Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs  and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them  staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a  lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she  let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before   landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: corn02 on July 31, 2009, 04:22:40 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZhysyhUL9k
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 04, 2009, 12:28:16 PM
   


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.


The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.




The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"




Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."




Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 04, 2009, 02:36:17 PM
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ....

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 05, 2009, 03:16:52 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
woman.

''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c**k,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 07, 2009, 11:29:55 AM
Getting Old

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh! , I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 07, 2009, 11:35:30 AM
Rip-off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
==========



Christy Brown shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Dublin and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' replied Christy, 'cerebral palsy'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on August 10, 2009, 11:59:03 AM

Few more from overheard in Dublin

Future WAG's

Walking through Penneys in Omni, Santry and two girls (velure tracksuits, high pony tails, the works) are shopping.

Blonde girl: "I'd love dat dress, but me legs will look huge in it."
(bare in mind she was about a size 8)

Brunette: ""all ye need is a birre confidence Amy. You don't want to be payin for yer own drinks all yer life, do ye?"

Overheard by Jessi, Omni, Santry.
Take That!

At the 'Take That' concert in Croke Park. The queue outside the ladies during an interval was very long. Not wanting to miss the show a few care-free ladies decided to avail of the under-used Gents facility, but were surprised to be met by a guy in his thirties complaining... "What the F*** are ye women doing in here in the gents toilets?" Most were quietly embarrassed but were delighted to hear a young Dublin lady respond.. "What the F*** are you doing at a Take That concert?" before watching the guy squirm back out the toilet door with no more to say for himself.

Strict Dress Code!!!

Two lads from Dublin (dressed in snickers gear!) making a delivery to a Dunnes Stores in Cork. The manager stops them at the back door and tells them they cant come inside without a hi-vis vest on.

"No problem" says the older fella, "Can we just borrow two from the store while we drop the stock off?"

"Ah no" says the manager "that's only one issue. I cant let yis in dressed like that lads, it's slacks and black shoes only."

With that the younger fella comes out with a classic: "Jaysus, we're not trying to get into a f**king nightclub!"



Fowl play

Out having a few beers with some American lads over from California to work with us for a few weeks. One of the yanks calls over a young barmaid to buy a round.

Yank: "Can I have 5 pints of Guinness, two pints of Bulmers and I'll have a Wild Turkey."

Barmaid looking slightly puzzled walks away, comes back 10 mins later, with guinness & cider and says...."sorry we've no turkey, but I can get you a chicken sandwich."



Sitting on the Luas a woman in her early 30s comes on screaming down the mobile phone
"I don't effing care how long you're with her...you're only 19 for eff sake and that young wan is what...16? but that's not even what is really p*ssing me off you've made me a great aunt at the ripe old age of 32 ya little B*****d."



Walking along with my boyfriend in town one Saturday afternoon when just as we walked by a couple; man laden down with bags and girlfriend/wife with excited shopping look in her face we heard this:

Girl: "Oooh lets just pop in here for a sec..."

Disgruntled Man: "No. You're not the one paying for the f***ing parking space"

Overheard by Ciara, Wicklow Street
An oul exhibit

One afternoon in the National Museum in Dublin. An exhibition of 5,000 year old bodies which had been found preserved in Irish bogs..... After viewing one of these bodies, an elderly Dublin woman turned to her son and said with heartfelt sympathy: "Ah the lord 'ave mercy on 'im, I bet he never thought he was goin' to end up in here".

Overheard by Deirdre, National Museum, Dublin
Recession BUSting

Was on the 150 bus at christchurch the other day were there was 3 shams taking their time to cross the road (you know the type, smokes in there ear, tracksuit bottoms tucked into the stockins)anyway as the bus was hurdling towards them the driver pops up and shouts 3 for the price of 1, what reccesion???
The whole bus was in hysterics.

Overheard by patrick, 150 bus
Denier?

Guy and girl, both mid-twenties, in a cafe in NUI Maynooth.

Guy: "Saw a great documentary on the Holocaust last night."
Girl: "Hmmm..."
Guy: "Do you even know what the Holocaust was?"
Girl: "Wasn't it the nuclear thing?"

Overheard by robert munnelly, cafe in NUI Maynooth
Empties!

A lounge girl new on the job and a bit nervous as shes clearing glasses from a table full of old guys. As she is being handed an empty glass from one of the guys
Guy: "Another Deadman"
Lounge girl: "Another Deadman, I'll get it for you now".

Overheard by catherine, Pub in Ballinteer
Monday Blues..

First thing in the morning, double science. Junior cert revision yeoooo..

Anyway, biology..human reproduction.

*Teacher* What happens to make babies people?!

*Class* Looks to desk.

*Teacher* Ok, Ok what the first thing we need.

*Student down back* Alcohol.

Class and Teacher crack up..bloody brilliant!!

Overheard by Ginge!!, School
Taste the value

Was in Dunnes in Tallaght when I seen a lady and her 20 something daughter shopping.

Daughter: "Ma look at these trifles!"

Ma: "Nah, got them last week and they are disgusting, no taste off them at all."

Daughter: "But their half price?"

Ma: "Well give us two there so."

Overheard by Traykool, Dunnes, Tallaght
Don't mess with the bus pass holders

On Dublin bus, at bus stop a little old lady gets on to enquire when her next bus will be arriving:

Old lady to driver: "Will the next bus be long?"

Smartass Driver: "About the same length as this one luv"

Old Lady(without a moments hesitiation): "Really? And will it be driven by a little bollicks like you?"


Overheard by Maeve, Dublin bus



On the Luas coming out of town one afternoon during the week. As we got to Blackhorse the driver made an announcement

"Ladies & Gents there are 2 plain clothes ticket inspectors getting on at this stop so could you please have your tickets at hand for convenience thank you."

When we pulled up to the stop 2 people did get on and about 50 got off and stood on the platform, clearly waiting on the next Luas.

When we pulled away the driver got back on the intercom, laughing and said

"I was only joking, there's no such thing as a plain clothes ticket inspector, I just wanted to see how many people got on without paying!!"

Overheard by Lynn, On the Luas
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Diet Coke on August 10, 2009, 01:06:36 PM
Apologies if this has been on before

A widower and widow had been friend for years and finally decided to get married. They had a business style lunch to discuss details like which house they would live/sell, joint bank accounts, wills etc.....over coffee the woman says to the man.....you look troubled what's on your mind?

he says how do you feel about sex?

She replies "to tell you the truth I would like it infrequent"

He pauses and then says "Was that one or two words?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:17:00 AM
INSTALLING A HUSBAND



Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
• Romance 9..5 and
• Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0 and
• Golf Clubs 4.1

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

• Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
• Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
• Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6..2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
• If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
• Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:37:04 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 11, 2009, 11:53:38 AM
Quote from: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:37:04 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

Quote from: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:37:04 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

Quote from: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:37:04 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

Quote from: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 11:37:04 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 11:20:54 AM
I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread? ;)

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 11, 2009, 12:18:08 PM
that's a cracker...

It's the way you tell them :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on August 11, 2009, 12:21:14 PM
very good SLK
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: highorlow on August 11, 2009, 01:41:23 PM
Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.  On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?' 

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 11, 2009, 05:57:24 PM
If they were both Chinese why were they speaking English, eh?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on August 11, 2009, 05:59:42 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on August 11, 2009, 05:57:24 PM
If they were both Chinese why were they speaking English, eh?

Because they own Imperial City on Botanic..............speaking more & more English to try & improve
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 11, 2009, 06:43:13 PM
Quote from: full back on August 11, 2009, 05:59:42 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on August 11, 2009, 05:57:24 PM
If they were both Chinese why were they speaking English, eh?

Because they own Imperial City on Botanic..............speaking more & more English to try & improve

Ah so.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 02:38:20 PM
Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request

Quote:
Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this

Quote:
Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Quote:
Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this

Quote:
Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

Quote:
Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged

Quote:
Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Quote:
Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Quote:
Steven Gerrard hopes his 'groin' injury clears in time for Sunday lolz
Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto lolz

Quote:
Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this

Quote:
Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

Quote:
Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook

Quote:
Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard f**k off Lamps lol

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum lol

Quote:
Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.

Quote:
Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q

Quote:
Tomas Rosicky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosicky is depressed
3 days ago

Quote:
Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou

Quote:
David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

Quote:
Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 02:42:38 PM
I only get one of those (Andy Goram).

Are the rest funny?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DennistheMenace on August 14, 2009, 02:44:27 PM
Quote:
Tomas Rosicky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosicky is depressed
3 days ago

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 02:50:08 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 02:42:38 PM
I only get one of those (Andy Goram).

Are the rest funny?

yes
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 02:52:13 PM
Quote from: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 02:50:08 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 02:42:38 PM
I only get one of those (Andy Goram).

Are the rest funny?

yes

:D good.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on August 14, 2009, 02:53:07 PM
Quote from: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 02:38:20 PM
Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request

Quote:
Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this

Quote:
Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Quote:
Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this

Quote:
Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

Quote:
Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged

Quote:
Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Quote:
Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Quote:
Steven Gerrard hopes his 'groin' injury clears in time for Sunday lolz
Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto lolz

Quote:
Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this

Quote:
Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

Quote:
Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook

Quote:
Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard f**k off Lamps lol

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum lol

Quote:
Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.

Quote:
Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q

Quote:
Tomas Rosicky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosicky is depressed
3 days ago

Quote:
Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou

Quote:
David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

Quote:
Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face



??? what?!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 02:56:48 PM
Thank fcuk! Fox I was thinking the same thing!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DennistheMenace on August 14, 2009, 02:57:43 PM
Waaaay too complicated for non-soccer heads.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Schkite on August 14, 2009, 03:06:43 PM
Quote from: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 02:38:20 PM
Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request


Quote:
Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this


Quote:
Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday


Quote:
Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

Quote:
Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook

Quote:
David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

Quote:
Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face




Very good!  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on August 14, 2009, 03:09:48 PM
Me thinks you are Schkiting us, Schkite  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Schkite on August 14, 2009, 03:13:08 PM
Me? Never!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: supersub on August 14, 2009, 03:34:23 PM
Very good
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Muzz on August 14, 2009, 04:25:26 PM
I know I shouldnt but I'll try and explain to some - I didnt get them all as Im not a facebook user so....

Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request

All the players mentioned turned down offers to join Hull City - Phil Brown is their manager


Quote:
Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

Alberto has recently signed for Liverpool - as you may have heard in the news lots of Liverpool footballs have been robbed...namely the players that say "like this" (not being a facebook user I assume you can click on something when you agree with their statement?)


Quote:
Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Man City have signed that many strikers that not all of them can possibly start on Saturday.  Therefore this is tongue in cheek statement as they all believe they will start


Quote:
Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

Marcus Bent is known as a bit of a useless footballer.  This weekend his team play Manchester United who Alex Ferguson manages!  As Marcus is useless Alex is happy that he will be starting.

Quote:
Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram

Dont get it!  But assume he has no friends...

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
Dont gte this either

Quote:
David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

Mark Hughes Manages Man City.  He wants to buy Jeleon Lescott that plays for Everton who is managed by David Moyles.  If Moyles is skint he will have to sell Lescott to City

Quote:
Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

Dont get!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DennistheMenace on August 14, 2009, 04:28:05 PM
The last one probably has something to do with this comical epsiode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyA_MB9l-b4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyA_MB9l-b4)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Muzz on August 14, 2009, 04:32:10 PM
Yeah I know it was comical at the time...but it just looks like some Chelsea fan added that onto the bottom of the other jokes when sending it to an Arsenal fan.  The other ones are not so bad....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 04:36:53 PM
Andy Goram has Schizophrenia!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lfdown2 on August 14, 2009, 04:38:31 PM
oh dear god thats the last time il post a joke..... (fair enough if open for interpretation)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 04:42:30 PM
 :D there's nothing like having to explain a joke to people!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on August 14, 2009, 04:53:12 PM
Quote from: SidelineKick on August 14, 2009, 04:36:53 PM
Andy Goram has Schizophrenia!

Hence the best ever chant at a soccer game. Celtic fans to the Rangers keeper when he came back after being diagnosed with the aforementioned afflication:

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams". :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Schkite on August 14, 2009, 05:05:34 PM
Quote from: Muzz on August 14, 2009, 04:25:26 PM

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
Dont gte this either


That's to do with Jamie Redknapp's overuse of the word "literally".

One of my favourites would be "He's literally left him for dead there!"  :D Tool!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on August 15, 2009, 02:49:34 AM
Quote from: Schkite on August 14, 2009, 05:05:34 PM
Quote from: Muzz on August 14, 2009, 04:25:26 PM

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
Dont gte this either


That's to do with Jamie Redknapp's overuse of the word "literally".

One of my favourites would be "He's literally left him for dead there!"  :D Tool!

Jamie Redknapp is the most useless bag of shite to ever sit in a pundits chair. He never actually analyses anything. "Frank Lampard. Great player. Gets the ball, back o' the net. What more can you say?" In this instance I gave the example of Frank Lampard. Frank could be substituted for any English player who came though West Ham under Jamie's da in the late 90s. Speaking of his da, he's a **** and all.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on August 16, 2009, 04:24:56 PM
The knackers parked up on the grasss verge near the school and the father got the son into the primary school.  First friday son comes home and he sez, "Fader, Fader, tacher tould me today that I was great because I can spell from one to a hundred.  Is that because I'm a kn**ker fader?"  Father says, "No son, its because you are intelligent, yer intelligent"  Next Friday he comes home and sez "Fader, fader, tacher tould me today that I am great because I can count from a to a zed, is that because I'm a kn**ker fader? "   Father says, not at all son, its because you are intelligent.  Then he comes home one day and he says "Fader, we were all out the back of the toilet down the yard today and we were all comparing the sizes of our willy's and (holding up his little finger in a curve) says " and all of the other lads was that size" and then holding his hands about six inches apart he says " and mine was that size, is that because I am intelligent fader" and the father says, " No, it's because you are nearly 24 ya foookin eejit ya"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 17, 2009, 05:22:11 PM
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday she doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.       
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter  anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,' That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 18, 2009, 09:28:24 AM
Fantastic, a firm with a sense of humour, at last.
 
 
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.







A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.







The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:







Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.







The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on August 20, 2009, 12:30:48 PM
Heard a story about Eric Morecambe.

There was a BBC doorman with only one arm.  He was not well liked, being very jobsworthy. 

When Morecambe was going in to a rehearsal, the doorman asked if Eric could get him tickets for the next performance.  Eric said no.  Crestfallen, the doorman asked why not? 

Eric answered, you can't clap.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 21, 2009, 02:34:32 PM
Hotel Related Incident


A man checks into a hotel in Belfast while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone box when you're calling for a taxi.

He popped into a phone box in Gt Victoria Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 21, 2009, 02:38:33 PM
A very large woman , wearing a sleeveless sun dress
> , walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm ,
> revealing a huge , hairy armpit , as she pointed to all the
> people sitting at the bar and asked , 'What man here
> will buy a lady a drink?'
>
> The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
> her. But down at the end of the bar , an owl-eyed drunk
> slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed '
> "Give the ballerina a drink!'
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the
>  woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again
> pointed around at all of them , revealing the same hairy
> armpit , and asked , 'What man here will buy a lady a
> drink?'
>
> Once again , the same drunk slapped his money down on
> the bar and said , 'Give the ballerina another
> drink!'
>
> The bartender approached the little drunk and said
> 'Tell me , Paddy , it's your business if you want to
> buy the lady a drink , but why do you keep calling her a
> ballerina?'
>
> The drunk replied , 'Any woman who can lift her
> leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on August 21, 2009, 03:57:56 PM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 26, 2009, 02:22:58 PM
2 Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take 4 of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes 2 birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE...


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at the Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



IT'S NOT OVER YET....


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 26, 2009, 02:28:59 PM
DEAR DEAF WIFE....this is priceless
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 26, 2009, 03:57:29 PM
Quote from: illdecide on August 26, 2009, 02:28:59 PM
DEAR DEAF WIFE....this is priceless
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Probably the worst joke, ever.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 27, 2009, 10:15:34 AM
Jimmy Carr...1 liners



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w#nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
in.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on August 27, 2009, 10:42:59 AM
Heard this last night on Live at the Apollo

2 hookers are having a drink together.

One says to the other, 'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?'

The other replies, 'No but I have been swung round by the tits!" :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 27, 2009, 03:19:19 PM
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers :

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink..
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
 
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
 
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
 
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
 
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
 
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
 
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
 
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be ei ght.

Kids Are Quick   
 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:      You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
 
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.   
_________________________________
 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
________________________________ ______
 
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 
 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________
 
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on August 27, 2009, 10:51:25 PM
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on August 28, 2009, 01:10:28 AM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on August 27, 2009, 10:51:25 PM
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

can't believe that was voted the best joke last week

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on August 28, 2009, 03:54:56 PM
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on August 28, 2009, 05:41:28 PM
Quote from: full back on August 28, 2009, 03:54:56 PM
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght? :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on August 28, 2009, 06:01:17 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on August 28, 2009, 05:41:28 PM
Quote from: full back on August 28, 2009, 03:54:56 PM
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght? :P

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 01, 2009, 10:24:23 AM
The Five Minute Management Course ~

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in theBahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas
and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Les son 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.





Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he rea ched the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on September 01, 2009, 10:53:27 AM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on August 28, 2009, 05:41:28 PM
Quote from: full back on August 28, 2009, 03:54:56 PM
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght? :P

:D :D

Just seen that

I was thinking more around ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 02, 2009, 10:24:57 PM
Two vultures were sitting on a branch.

One said to the other, ''Who won the 1972 Belgium Grand Prix?'', the other  replied, ''Lauda''.

The first Vulture says, ''Who won the 1972 Belgium Grand Prix?'' , the other replied, ''Lauda''.

The first Vulture shouts, ''WHO WON THE 1972 BELGIUM GRAND PRIX?'', the other Vulture says, ''Ah go back to sleep you deaf bastard''.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 03, 2009, 08:59:29 AM
The visual was better Orior.  ;)

(http://www.bitoffun.com/forums/download/file.php?id=8110&sid=e9bb02f0d449f269ce124b51d83756ca&mode=view/1489.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: naka on September 09, 2009, 03:31:35 PM
susan boyle has been helping the war on terror
now suicide bombers know what a virgin looks like
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Diet Coke on September 09, 2009, 04:37:37 PM
Joe & John are twins who live in the same town. Joe owns a wreck of a boat which happened to sink the same day that John's wife passed away.

A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John...."I'm very sorry for your loss" she says.

"Thakyou" says Joe " but I'm sorta glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten oul thing anyway, her bottom was all shrivelled

up and she smelt of dead fish, she had a bad crack in the back & and a pretty big one in the front too, she was bulging out

everywhere in her old age. Everytime I used her she leaked & dribbled and her oul hole got bigger.

I think what really finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 young lads out for a good time. The fools tried to get in

her all at the same time and split her right up the middle!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the real slim shady on September 11, 2009, 03:10:36 PM
Actual exchanges between pilots and control tower

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An oldie doing the rounds again but for those missed this.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."



While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 11, 2009, 10:55:46 PM
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really, I heard its because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both, you go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back f my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then.

(Classic!)
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: but would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem to be the kind of chick that's impossible to shake of once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you miss heard me, I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well, cause I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss Off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... Ugly, you fat bitch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on September 11, 2009, 10:59:53 PM
Absolutly shite show on BBC 1 now. Pure dung. They musta got the jokes from this thread.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 11, 2009, 11:00:14 PM
Men Are Just Happier People
 
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 11, 2009, 11:03:25 PM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 16, 2009, 12:21:35 PM
My wife left me, she took my Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish...Totally gutted...No woman, no Sky.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 16, 2009, 12:40:47 PM
Quote from: illdecide on September 16, 2009, 12:21:35 PM
My wife left me, she took my Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish...Totally gutted...No woman, no Sky.

:D :D :D Gr8, Where do you get them illdecide?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 16, 2009, 12:44:42 PM
It's the way i tell them Onion saan ;) :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: face.that.ball on September 16, 2009, 01:34:54 PM
The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt became an internet phenomenon when it began selling on amazon. Its basically a black t-shirt with three wolves howling at the full moon but after a spate of ironic reviews went viral sales of the kitsch Three Wolf Moon T-shirt shot up 2,300%

The first review gave the shirt five stars, saying it "Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."

That prompted hundreds of others to post frivolous reviews, turning the page into an internet phenomenon.

"When I put this T-shirt on for the first time, my wife left me! Thank you, Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt," wrote one wag, while another said that "the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength... and I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city".

Other gems include

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie"

"Recently, my girlfriend asked me to meet her parents. I was hesitant at first, and declined the offer for a couple of months. Finally, she wore me down and got me to agree. Her parents are rich enough to own Bill Gates, and they insisted that we go to some nice steak restaurant. Despite her objections, I wore this shirt.

The first thing her father noticed on me was this shirt and, upon shaking my hand, he started to call me son. As soon as we sat down, he wrote me a check for 100,000 dollars and told me to call him if I ever needed anything, and her beautiful mother began rubbing my leg in a not unpleasent way.

Half way through the dinner, a man collapsed at the table next to us. I jumped to my feet and assessed the situation. I discovered that he was choking on a rather large piece of steak. Now I have no medical training, but the shirt showed me how to save this man's life. And I did.

So grateful for my actions, the man paid for my dinner and gave me the keys to his new corvette outside. Then the waiters all gave me their tips, winking at me and mouthing "nice shirt."

Later that night, my girlfriend couldn't keep her hands off of me. She wanted me. Being no fool, I kept the shirt on. She said the pleasure was so intense she forgot her own name for a minute. We're getting married next week, and I haven't taken the shirt off since.
Only downside: I turn into a werewolf on full moon nights when I wear the shirt. And I occasionally wake up to Carlos Mencia singing in my bathroom. Be warned."

"wolves upon my shirt
howling, i stalk my prey too
in my mom's basement "

"I bought this shirt from this site without reading the reviews and now, my life is pretty much over. It's just me and my disability check in this cozy trailer from now on.

It was just, like, I saw the shirt when I was looking to buy my boyfriend a gift for his birthday. The wolves... they, like, called to me from the webpage and I pushed the one click button immediately. And when it arrived and I was wrapping it for my man, I kept touching it thinking, "he is going to look soooooooooooooooooo hot in this shirt. Look at all those HOWLING WOLVES! One wolf would have been pretty sexy, but three of them? That's so triple of the sexy!

He loved it, of course, and then he went and wore it to the bar. Three days later, he came back to our trailer, packed his bag, and left me for one of the many ladies that were drawn to him and the "magical" shirt. Magical for him, maybe... but not to ME. I'm so lost without him.
I hate you, wolf shirt."

"After I bought this shirt, Chuck Norris rang my doorbell and told me he's my father."

"Three Wolf Tee, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Three-wolf-tee: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Three. Wolf. Tee. "

"First off, the wicked awesome wolves are what attracted me to this shirt.
hands down, these wolves mean business and make you look dang sharp.
But once you start wearing it and incorporating it into your lifestyle, a whole new world opens up for you. Its almost as if you start wearing gang colors that associate you with the coolest group of people on the whole planet; wolf poeple. Whenever I go out with this shirt, I know my people will take care of me. I started getting into free movies, free bojangles chicken, the best huntin spots. Most law enforcement agents are wolf enthusiasts as well and I can't tell you how many times this shirt has gotten me off the hook. Right now I own 4 so I can keep them fresh in my rotation.
Beyond the style and social implications; this is just a quality shirt. It doesnt chaffe on a hot day, the dark fabric hides my girth pretty well and it doesnt show blood stains at all. This shirt is the total package, order one now and begin your new life."

For more hilarious reviews


http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Mens-Three-Short-Sleeve/product-reviews/B002HJ377A/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: flantheman82 on September 16, 2009, 01:46:41 PM
One from the Illdecide school of jokes:

A friend of mine was recently sacked from his job at the bumper-cars. He's taking them to court for funfair dismissal.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on September 16, 2009, 02:06:28 PM
Whats blue, black and grey?




Colours.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 16, 2009, 02:10:59 PM
Technically speaking, black is the absence of all colours and therefore isn't a colour.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on September 16, 2009, 02:17:23 PM
Technically speaking, f**k up.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 16, 2009, 03:08:17 PM
So what is balck then...a shape ??? :D :D :D

FFS Ziggy stay of that Guanji saan
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on September 17, 2009, 01:36:42 AM
Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.....

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough!

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 17, 2009, 10:21:12 AM
Bit long but worth it!

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on September 17, 2009, 10:33:57 AM
Quote from: SidelineKick on September 16, 2009, 02:17:23 PM
Technically speaking, f**k up.

Thats the funniest post on here in a long time
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 17, 2009, 10:56:27 AM
Onion bag go away and F**k yourself...telling jokes like that :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 17, 2009, 10:58:09 AM
Can t beleive you read the whole thing, i got bored have way through
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 17, 2009, 11:01:07 AM
Quote from: Onion Bag on September 17, 2009, 10:58:09 AM
Can t beleive you read the whole thing, i got bored have way through

Well i skipped a few lines here and there but did actually go to the end you hoor :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyrone girl on September 17, 2009, 11:08:28 AM
Feck ya i got to the end wondering what he did with them  >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on September 17, 2009, 03:18:26 PM
face.that.ball. his was fcukin horrible on last page!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 17, 2009, 04:05:47 PM
f**k you Onion Bag. Took me f**king ages to read all that!!!  >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on September 17, 2009, 07:15:42 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on September 17, 2009, 04:05:47 PM
f**k you Onion Bag. Took me f**king ages to read all that!!!  >:(
Bastid got me as well, every feckin word I read, he should change his name to feckin ball bag!!!! >:(  :-[
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 17, 2009, 07:18:29 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on September 17, 2009, 07:27:58 PM
Started off thinking, "it's something to do with balls dropping",

decided it'd to do with dropping a testical in the jacks for a laugh,

Ended up understanding that when you slice an onion (bag), you end up in tears
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 17, 2009, 10:21:08 PM
Thats not very nice Ardal
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 18, 2009, 09:20:06 AM
I enjoyed it (eventually) Onion Bag, fair play.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on September 19, 2009, 07:56:53 PM
Why wasn't Hitler allowed to drink whiskey?



















Because it made him mean.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on September 19, 2009, 08:37:49 PM
Quote from: Puckoon on September 19, 2009, 07:56:53 PM
Why wasn't Hitler allowed to drink whiskey?






Because it made him mean.

wat  ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bacon on September 19, 2009, 08:54:50 PM
Odd?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on September 20, 2009, 11:32:33 AM
Walked in to a vegetable shop the other day. There's this man monster standing behind the scales / cashier, and I think's to myself, "holy feck, what must she weigh?" She was massive, and my curiosity was twinged (made up word?).

So anyways, I waltz up to her and says I "oiiiii, you couldn't by chance tell me what you weigh?"

She to me says, "naaa a bother. I weigh................


















.......fruit and vegetables"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 21, 2009, 02:05:17 PM
An Australian guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed, reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, " if you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 28, 2009, 04:41:36 PM
GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.


They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like
to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a
'tragedy.' '
'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon -'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.  'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a  tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 30, 2009, 12:59:20 AM
z
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Donnellys Hollow on September 30, 2009, 01:29:23 AM
H from Steps found dead

(http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/6122/stepsy.jpg)

Yee've probably all seen this one before - its been floating around for a while now. Still funny as fcuk!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on September 30, 2009, 04:04:35 AM
What has an auld fat yoke and a length of sheet rock got in common?









Chances are there'll be a mexican screwing it :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 01, 2009, 10:56:29 PM
Two monkeys sitting in a bath.

One Monkey says "Oooh ooh ooh ah ah ah ooh ah"






The other Monkey says "Well add some cold water"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cúig huaire on October 02, 2009, 09:00:45 PM
Paddy O`Rourke has been named as the new Armagh manager.  :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Minder on October 02, 2009, 09:57:26 PM
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't sell any corn here I'm afraid.'

The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! I told you yesterday, we don't have any corn. We're a Post Office!'

This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last f***ing time we don't have any f***ing corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your f***ing beak to the counter!'

The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.'

The duck then asks: 'Do you have any corn?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Minder on October 02, 2009, 10:00:00 PM
Man comes home with some Deer meat for dinner, but doesn't tell his kids what it is.

"I'll give you a clue though, its what your Mum calls me."

"It's a f***ing ballbag," yells his son. "Don't eat it!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on October 05, 2009, 02:19:46 PM
Subject: Tourist's Political Guide to Ireland
Good morning, tourists.

Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.
Political information has not been included in your brochures, so here
to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish
politics.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is
just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,
you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million
people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful
30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now
definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now
be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in
Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this might
like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss it - it
is near a car park.)

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called
the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'
money..

The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning
placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are
descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na
Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The
other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over
Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I
love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it..
(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an
organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between
Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body
which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only
country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes
west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the
price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by
holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.

If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was
wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea
- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland.)

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the
black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA.
The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now have the
Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers
because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.
Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at
Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)

So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well? Fine,
but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt in the
Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but the
developer ran out of political connections?

Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may
advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do
little to encourage it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on October 06, 2009, 08:50:02 AM
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a TD came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on October 06, 2009, 09:43:23 AM
...

(http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/images/2009/1006/frontpageimage.jpg?ts=1254818423)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 07, 2009, 10:09:40 AM
 
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 












(http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:63GhfjlnKFlaMM:http://www.babyphotospictures.com/thumb/baby-boy-laughing.jpg)
 
'You got Male!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on October 07, 2009, 10:27:01 AM
i'll decide thats not your best to date lad.

go and hunt thru more of where you get them and put on another one.  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 07, 2009, 10:44:32 AM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on October 07, 2009, 10:27:01 AM
i'll decide thats not your best to date lad.

go and hunt thru more of where you get them and put on another one.  ;D

I know...it was a bit of a girly wan...sorry!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 07, 2009, 10:44:59 AM
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk,says,'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. 


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R !  We missed the R ! We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... 

'CELEBRATE!!!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 07, 2009, 12:17:01 PM
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the  visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: In the Onion Bag on October 07, 2009, 09:30:10 PM
Heard a good one in the bar tonight.  One of the lads was away in Spain on holiday and brought back this story which he swears is true bill.  In a local shop he overheard the following:

English Guy: "Have you got the Sun?"

Shopkeeper: "Sorry all our English papers have gone, we only have German ones left."

English Guy: "That's OK I'll take one, sure I only want the crossword anyway."

I believe its true, every Country has at least one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: flantheman82 on October 07, 2009, 11:55:59 PM
How do the mods take racist light hearted jokes? Got one my 10 yr old cousin told me but don't wanna get banned .
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 08, 2009, 12:10:59 AM
Give it a whirl
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: flantheman82 on October 08, 2009, 10:07:33 AM
Why do black people have white palms?
So they can count their coppers
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on October 08, 2009, 10:10:40 AM
Quote from: flantheman82 on October 08, 2009, 10:07:33 AM
Why do black people have white palms?
So they can count their coppers

Reported.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 08, 2009, 10:21:27 AM
Quote from: SidelineKick on October 08, 2009, 10:10:40 AM
Quote from: flantheman82 on October 08, 2009, 10:07:33 AM
Why do black people have white palms?
So they can count their coppers

Reported.

Denied
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on October 08, 2009, 10:23:15 AM
Quote from: Orior on October 08, 2009, 10:21:27 AM
Quote from: SidelineKick on October 08, 2009, 10:10:40 AM
Quote from: flantheman82 on October 08, 2009, 10:07:33 AM
Why do black people have white palms?
So they can count their coppers

Reported.

Denied

SLK is reported for reporting flan.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 08, 2009, 10:27:04 AM
'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache  and sex at the same time?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 08, 2009, 10:36:03 AM
Quote from: flantheman82 on October 08, 2009, 10:07:33 AM
Why do black people have white palms?
So they can count their coppers

There are a load of them about...

Why do Jew's have big noses...


Because the air is free
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SidelineKick on October 08, 2009, 10:37:32 AM
Quote from: illdecide on October 08, 2009, 10:27:04 AM
'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache  and sex at the same time?'

They can. I would say its more to do with the discomfort of not feeling well and having to do something you're not really in the mood for.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 08, 2009, 10:43:13 AM
My wife just found out that she was adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they tell me".

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight, taking her passionately from behind and shouting "WHO'S THE DADDY?" wasn't the best idea.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Larry Duff on October 08, 2009, 11:06:42 AM
First-year students at Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a veterinarian: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on October 08, 2009, 11:42:04 AM
Quote from: Orior on October 08, 2009, 10:43:13 AM
My wife just found out that she was adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they tell me".

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight, taking her passionately from behind and shouting "WHO'S THE DADDY?" wasn't the best idea.

nice 1 orior. bout a solid 8.7/10  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on October 08, 2009, 02:45:01 PM
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.  There is a hush within
the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the south-east stands
up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Honda Civic every
year and a people carrier for his wife to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and

establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** him'.



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: omagh_gael on October 08, 2009, 04:46:59 PM
What do you call half a haemoroid?

Not a whole pile!  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on October 08, 2009, 05:03:39 PM
"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient.
"No, you are a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics" replies her doctor.
"Please, just one kiss" she pleads.
"Sorry" says the doctor "it's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my c**k".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on October 08, 2009, 05:07:08 PM
What's the difference between a vitamin and  a hormone?
You can't hear  a vitamin  8)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: omagh_gael on October 08, 2009, 06:00:19 PM
Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 09, 2009, 02:27:37 PM
Folks i know this has done the rounds b4 but there is not much about at the min so this will have to do...

Liverpool Hurricane Appeal


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Liverpool in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Abercromby. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Skate FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Paulsgrove.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Lambrini to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Abercromby" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Liverpool -
oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 12, 2009, 04:32:29 PM
Flight 4293



      After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:
      'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight
4293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is
good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax
and ... OH MY GOD!'

      Silence followed!

      Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
      'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was
talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'

      One Irish passenger yelled,

      'be Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on October 13, 2009, 09:26:57 AM
An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. 
He wandered around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals and sample the real ale.

After a while, he found himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, but, worst of all NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really had to go after all those real ales. 
He eventually found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who said, "I'm sorry, sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". 
He led the American to a back-alley delivery gate, which he opened.

"In there," said the bobby "go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The American entered to find himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. 
Manicured lawns, statues, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

As he had the bobby's blessing, he relieved himself and felt much more comfortable. 
As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby, "That was really decent of you ... Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that's what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on October 13, 2009, 04:21:02 PM
A friend of mine was in the A&E in Tallaght Hospital yesterday, arrived there at 12.45pm and had still not seen a doctor at 8.45pm.  Anyway, two prison warders came in and they had a prisioner who was in bad shape and to add to his problems he had only one leg.  After a good while a black doctor came over to yer man and he sez, "How are you" to which the prisioner fella grunted some reply that my friend did not catch.  Then doctor says, "have you ever been in hospital before ?" and yer man sez, "What kind of a fookin eejit are you, do you think I amputated my leg myself at home in the fooking kitchen?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on October 13, 2009, 04:56:54 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 15, 2009, 03:51:38 PM
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Taff. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon,  Taff started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..




















"You wouldn't mind takin that fcukin dog for a walk would ye??."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 16, 2009, 12:44:44 PM
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother,
'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... Salty!'

Mum fainted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: redhugh on October 16, 2009, 12:56:29 PM
Mummy driving her little girl to school paases a field with a horse with an engorged member,
little girl says "mummy , what is that big thing hanging under the horse?"
"Oh ,that's nothing " replies her mother.
Next morning daddy is driving little Shania to school,when from the back she chirps up
"Daddy what is that big thing hanging under the horse ?"
"That's the horses willy" daddy answers awkwardly.
"mummy said it was nothing!" retorts little Shania,
Daddy replies with a wry smile - "sure I've your mother ruined!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on October 16, 2009, 02:45:14 PM
I'm sure these have been thrown up here before but however....   last one is pretty good

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f#*cking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger t*its, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#*cking beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f#*cking business.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on October 16, 2009, 02:46:46 PM
Hotel Related Incident


A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'



It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on October 16, 2009, 02:47:39 PM
 PRICELESS!!!!!!



A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 10:55:07 AM
Celt Man stop re-posting my jokes :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 11:00:43 AM
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said "Hello. My name is Carmen." "Thats a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact i gave it to myself. It represents the things that i enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, i chose "Carmen".

"What's your name" she said.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 20, 2009, 01:42:26 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 10:55:07 AM
Celt Man stop re-posting my jokes :P

He tells them better than you.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 02:12:18 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on October 20, 2009, 01:42:26 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 10:55:07 AM
Celt Man stop re-posting my jokes :P

He tells them better than you.

Thats because his name is Frank Carson..."it's the way i tell them". ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on October 20, 2009, 02:17:27 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 02:12:18 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on October 20, 2009, 01:42:26 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 10:55:07 AM
Celt Man stop re-posting my jokes :P

He tells them better than you.

Thats because his name is Frank Carson..."it's the way i tell them". ;)

Maybe he's just trying to save you the hassles of re-posting them yourself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 20, 2009, 02:25:07 PM
Thats low FFS, def below the belt. R u female as males wouldn't stoop that low
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 20, 2009, 08:54:54 PM
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pounds for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "Screw him. Give him five pounds."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 20, 2009, 08:56:17 PM
The BNP are now admitting non-white people as members.

They need someone to do all the shite jobs.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on October 22, 2009, 08:59:41 AM
Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken b*stard. You've sh*t the bed !!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on October 22, 2009, 02:57:11 PM
Subject: Irish farmers


A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's  hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the feck would you say?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 27, 2009, 10:51:51 AM
Subject:
> Misunderstanding
>
>
> The
> lesbians next door
> asked me what I would like for my birthday.

>
>
> I
> was quite surprised
> when they gave me a Rolex.   
>
>
> It
> was very nice of
> them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
> "I wanna
> watch."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: dodo on October 27, 2009, 06:11:23 PM
Subject: The Bathtub Test ...

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"       

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
                           
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 09:49:59 AM
Men's Pearls of Wisdom:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8.. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15.. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't..

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!


Prob get banned now :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 28, 2009, 01:29:03 PM
Apparently.....
These  Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the  actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of  humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) 


__________________________________________________ 
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I  have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 
________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to  see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) 
A:Depends  how much you've been drinking. 
________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from  Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (  Sweden  ) 
A:  Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
_________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs  (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list  of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (  UK  ) 
A:  What did your last slave die of? 
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me  some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (  USA  ) 
A: A-Fri-ca is the big  triangle shaped continent south of Europe  .....
Aus-tra-lia is that big  island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... Oh  forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come  naked.
__________________________________________________ 
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ?  (USA )

A:  Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll  send the rest of the directions. 
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery  into Australia ? (  UK ) 
A:Why?  Just use your fingers like we do... 
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the  Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (  USA ) 
A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh  forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings  Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high  heels in Australia ? (  UK  ) 
A:  You are a British politician, right? 
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there  supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  ( Germany  ) 
A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is  illegal.
________ __________________________________________
Q:Please send a list  of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense  rattlesnake serum. ( USA  ) 
A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All  Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good  pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question  about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA  ) 
A:  It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees  and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them  off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a  new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it  in Australia ?  (USA  ) 
A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate  Christmas in Australia ?  (France  ) 
A:  Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________ 
Q: Will I be able to  speak English most places I go? ( USA  ) 
A:  Yes, but you'll have to learn it first 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 05:14:58 PM
Repeats
Repeats
Repeats ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: vav on October 28, 2009, 05:41:39 PM
 :-[
;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 07:31:01 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 05:14:58 PM
Repeats
Repeats
Repeats ::)

Quote from: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 05:14:58 PM
Repeats
Repeats
Repeats ::)

Quote from: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 05:14:58 PM
Repeats
Repeats
Repeats ::)

:D

Instructions from SidelineKick  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 09:09:00 PM
This one is for Pints

A black man starts work on a building site. The other workers nickname him, 'Wog'. Feeling upset about this, he tells his foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, their Irish, Wac from Liverpool and Mac from Scotland." The black man was still not happy. So the foreman shouts over to his men " Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 09:16:21 PM
Not much wrong with that, I've read worse on here. Pints is just after saying on another thread that certain people should be shot. Sure the mods can conact me if there is any issue.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Treasurer on October 28, 2009, 11:14:04 PM
Quote from: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 09:09:00 PM
This one is for Pints

A black man starts work on a building site. The other workers nickname him, 'Wog'. Feeling upset about this, he tells his foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, their Irish, Wac from Liverpool and Mac from Scotland." The black man was still not happy. So the foreman shouts over to his men " Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

It's one thing to tell a joke that some may find offensive, when no offence is actually intended, but when the intention to offend is actually stated, it's just low.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 11:19:44 PM
He said he hadn't heard a joke like that before, so I decided to post it to show what I meant by racist jokes. It's a light hearted joke, I wasn't going to post something stupid now. Surely most jokes would be deemed offensive anyway.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 11:27:05 PM
I'm not sure, I can find out for you. Maybe he was fond of the waccy baccy?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Treasurer on October 28, 2009, 11:28:09 PM
Quote from: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 11:19:44 PM
He said he hadn't heard a joke like that before, so I decided to post it to show what I meant by racist jokes. It's a light hearted joke, I wasn't going to post something stupid now. Surely most jokes would be deemed offensive anyway.

Oh silly me, how could I possibly have thought you were just trying to stir it again.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on October 28, 2009, 11:39:35 PM
I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**?  :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Archie Mitchell on October 28, 2009, 11:41:37 PM
LOL, that's a brilliant joke fox :)

Is that an apology then Treasurer?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on October 29, 2009, 08:52:56 AM
who is the coolest member of staff in a hospital ?

the ultra-sound guy !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on October 29, 2009, 12:20:45 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 28, 2009, 09:49:59 AM
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Was that not a Bob Hope joke, with poker instead of bridge?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 29, 2009, 12:21:22 PM
Why did God give women legs...


Because he seen the mess slugs made
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on October 29, 2009, 12:25:42 PM
Quote from: illdecide on October 29, 2009, 12:21:22 PM
Why did God give women legs...


Because he seen the mess slugs made

ILLDECIE. GET A BETTER ONE ON HERE NOW!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 29, 2009, 12:31:49 PM
Sorry Handsome...thats was pretty crop
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 29, 2009, 12:36:02 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on October 28, 2009, 11:39:35 PM
I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**?  :o

@sshole  >:(


















































































:D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on October 29, 2009, 01:26:17 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on October 29, 2009, 01:45:36 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on October 29, 2009, 01:26:17 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

(http://www.independent.ie/multimedia/archive/00183/tycoon_183236t.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on October 29, 2009, 03:28:14 PM
I've been diagnosed with gammon flu - I originally had swine flu but I went to hospital and they cured me.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Doogie Browser on October 29, 2009, 04:58:07 PM
This one made me chuckle, I am part Donegal anyway (my mother's county) and I now live there.

Little Known Facts about "Dear Old Donegal"
(Especially Aimed At THE IGNORANTS Who Think The Following:)

1- Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

2- At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert's...NOT 11 plus', GCSE or A-levels!

3- We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

4- Our car licence plates are like
eg: "06-DL-1234" and NOT "YIBA 7HA99"

5- Contrary to what some Dub's think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

6- We DO get TV3.

7- We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

8- Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

9- "Aye","wee","staysh","yon" are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

10- Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either)and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

11- There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly to Glencolmcille.

12- Dunfanaghy is pronounced "Dun fan a hee", NOT "Dun fonn a gee!"

13- Ardara is pronounced "Ard Ra" NOT "Are Dara!"

14- We dont' not shag sheep and ride our cousins.... bar Glenswilly.

15- So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

16- MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

17- Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

18- Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

19- Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

20- We gave the world Daniel O'Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid's Football Special drink....what has your county done!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: no mo do yakamo on October 29, 2009, 06:07:34 PM
Quote from: Hoof Hearted on October 29, 2009, 08:52:56 AM
who is the coolest member of staff in a hospital ?

the ultra-sound guy !
And when he's not there???
The hip replacement guy!!
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on November 02, 2009, 04:57:07 PM
Another Classisc from Overheard in Dublin

Was drinking in Temple Bar and went outside for smoke. I spotted two guards across the street collaring two teens.

Guard: "in accordance with the law, I'm now going to search you for drugs. Before I start, do you have anything on you, you shouldnt have?"

One of the teens replied: "Yeah, me brother's shoes"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on November 02, 2009, 05:53:08 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on October 29, 2009, 12:36:02 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on October 28, 2009, 11:39:35 PM
I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**?  :o

@sshole  >:(


















































































:D :D :D

Fuc you Zig! I thot I'd offended you there for a minute  :-[
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 03, 2009, 11:40:33 AM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

''OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on November 04, 2009, 01:56:48 PM
http://pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=764056&mid=0&i=0&nmt=Comic%20pictures%20thread&mid=0

maybe the funniest thread in a long time
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on November 04, 2009, 03:08:13 PM
Quote from: heganboy on November 04, 2009, 01:56:48 PM
http://pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=764056&mid=0&i=0&nmt=Comic%20pictures%20thread&mid=0

maybe the funniest thread in a long time

Great post!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on November 04, 2009, 03:36:10 PM
Baby seal walks into a club...........
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Caid on November 04, 2009, 04:02:48 PM
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
>
> This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds
> like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
> road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong
> he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
> slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
> without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only
> to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
>
> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
> curve approaching.. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
> nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
> terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched
> or harmed him.
>
> Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road.
> Gathering all his strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
> Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
> about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the
> pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
> dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
> to the other.
>
> :
> :
>
>
>
>
>
>
> :
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Look Paddy there's that idiot that got in the car while we were
> pushing it!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 05, 2009, 10:01:46 AM
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is

going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Cúig huaire on November 05, 2009, 01:22:44 PM
(http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/760/9020optischetaeuschung4.jpg)

What does your dirty mind see?

Now look again.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 05, 2009, 01:28:30 PM
 :D Very good there
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 05, 2009, 04:54:58 PM
I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. Here's my concern. Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the c**k... Anybody else worried???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 06, 2009, 10:03:01 AM
The nun's story

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her...

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley...'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: the real slim shady on November 06, 2009, 03:55:32 PM
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes, and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.

"Put your hand in this holy water, and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 13, 2009, 12:32:00 AM
Not bad

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/ (http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 13, 2009, 09:19:52 AM
Little April usually slept through class. One day the teacher called on her
while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When
April didn't stir, little Johnny,a boy seated in the chair behind her, took
a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the
teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the
teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"  But, April didn't even
stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her
again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and
April fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What
did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny
jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF

AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*SE! The Teacher fainted.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on November 18, 2009, 09:46:24 AM
Subject: When Love Fades
When Love Fades.......
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's  voice  from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
F*&% you, you're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on November 19, 2009, 02:50:53 PM
were you listening at my back door? ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RMDrive on November 19, 2009, 03:06:18 PM
Quote from: JUst retired on November 19, 2009, 02:50:53 PM
were you listening at my back door? ;D

Did you fart?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on November 20, 2009, 07:32:14 PM
two indians are in hospital after snorting curry powder, mistaking it for cocaine.
one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tikka.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Renault and Ford are working on a new car coming out for females. its a combination of the clio and the taurus - the CLITAURUS. it comes in pink, with or without fur on the dashboard and the average bloke wont be able to find it, even if the owner tells him where it is

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anne summers has an easy guide to complete sexual joy coming out, it explores the clitoris, the G-Spot and even tells the males where they are. "Twat Nav" will be in the shops by xmas


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cokers on November 22, 2009, 04:06:20 PM
How do you know ET was a protestant?
>
>
>
>
>
>
Cos he looked like one!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 23, 2009, 08:57:59 AM
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and
pee twice.  Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,  "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig,"  she retorted indignantly.

"In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '."
 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 25, 2009, 05:14:11 PM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry
says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor  Pass.. 


At the Connor  Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE....



Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.


He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



IT IS NOT OVER YET....


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.


'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on November 26, 2009, 12:14:25 PM
It is the 3rd Sunday in September in a pub in Dungloe.
A crowd is in watching the AI final as the Kerry/Cork game comes to an end when
an American tourist walks in and watches the remainder of the game with them.
Kerry duly wins and Darren O'Sullivan is presented with the Sam Maguire.
The American tourist is absolutely fascinated with the scenes of jubilation and
the Sam Maguire Cup.
Jeeeez, he says, 'that looks awesome, who all competes for that cup?'
'All 32 counties in Ireland', replies the Dungloe man.
'Who has won it the most often', asks the American.
'Between ourselves and Kerry', responds the Dungloe man, 'we have won it 37
times'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 27, 2009, 10:23:43 AM
A comparison between Drug Dealers and Software Developers
======================================

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug Dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software Developers: "Download a free trial version..."

Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff)
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections(to help debug the code)

Strange jargon:









   Stick - SCSI
   Rock - RTFM
   Wrap - Packet
   E - C
   Stash - Cache
   Drive by - CRTL ALT & DEL
   Hit (LSD) - Hit (Web)
   Source - Source Code

Drug Dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.                           
Software Developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the14- to 25-year-old market.

Drug Dealers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you..
Software Developers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you

Drug Dealers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent product.
Software Developers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.

Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.

Drug Dealers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive.
Software Developers: When things go wrong, a"fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive

Drug Dealers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers
Software Developers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers

Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D...

Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: omagh_gael on November 27, 2009, 10:27:02 AM
Man drivin down road. Woman drivin up same road.They pass each other.Man shouts out window FUCKIN BIG FAT COW Woman yells out window p***k! Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story?

If only women would listen!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on November 27, 2009, 10:40:49 AM
Whats the definition of a chancer??

A person who has diarrhoea who chances a fart.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 27, 2009, 11:23:28 AM
A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

•   Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
•   Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
•   Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
•   Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
•   Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
•   A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
•   Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
•   Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
•   Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
•   Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
•   Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
•   It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
•   You cannot unsay a cruel word.
•   Every path has a few puddles.
•   When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
•   The best sermons are lived, not preached.
•   Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
•   Don't squat down with your spurs on.
•   Don't judge people by their relatives.
•   Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
•   Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
•   Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none.
•   Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
•   It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
•   The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
•   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
•   If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
•   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
•   Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
•   The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
•   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
•   Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
•   Only cows know why they stampede.
•   Always drink upstream from the herd.
•   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
•   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
•   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
•   You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped'.
•   Never, Never, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
•   May you always discover some moments, gifts of time in each new day, which are meant for only you....to think, to dream, to play.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RMDrive on November 27, 2009, 12:12:48 PM
Quote from: Orior on November 27, 2009, 11:23:28 AM
A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

•   Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
•   Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
•   Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
•   Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
•   Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
•   A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
•   Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
•   Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
•   Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
•   Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
•   Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
•   It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
•   You cannot unsay a cruel word.
•   Every path has a few puddles.
•   When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
•   The best sermons are lived, not preached.
•   Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
•   Don't squat down with your spurs on.
•   Don't judge people by their relatives.
•   Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
•   Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
•   Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none.
•   Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
•   It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
•   The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
•   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
•   If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
•   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
•   Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
•   The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
•   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
•   Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
•   Only cows know why they stampede.
•   Always drink upstream from the herd.
•   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
•   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
•   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
•   You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped'.
•   Never, Never, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
•   May you always discover some moments, gifts of time in each new day, which are meant for only you....to think, to dream, to play.

In fairness more Brokeback Mountain than a Fist Full of Dollars.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 28, 2009, 10:41:46 PM
Teacher says to Kevin "If you gave you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many rabbits would you have?"   Seven Sir says Kevin.   
Teacher, "No, listen again, if I gave you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many woulkd you have?
Kevin says "Seven Sir"
Teacher says, " right, listen, if I gave you two apples and two apples and two apples how many apples how many would you have.
Kevin says "Six Sir"
Teacher says "Now, right, if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many rabbits would you have ?
Kevin- "Seven Sir"
Teacher says "Where the f**k do you get seven from???"
Kevin says, "Because I foking have one at home"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 01, 2009, 04:40:37 PM
A man does to his doctor and says "I feel like i'm a jelly baby"

And the doctor ate the face of him.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on December 01, 2009, 04:50:54 PM
Following some additions to this thread, illdecide could be be called a comic genius......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 02, 2009, 09:24:55 PM
http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/congress.asp

:-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on December 04, 2009, 07:50:42 AM
Only  22 days till Christmas...... Here's your first Joke!!

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ' And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 04, 2009, 10:48:50 AM
The nice thing about Christmas is that it is always the same, even last years jokes are recycled.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on December 04, 2009, 11:23:54 AM
The wife just told me that yesterday Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his resin into her crack - I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't even got a fcuk**g car!!!

Whats the hardest thing about roller blading?..... Telling your parents that you are gay.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on December 08, 2009, 11:41:41 AM
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower abdomen.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'



He said, 'I found the remote'.






Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on December 09, 2009, 03:46:52 PM
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong.

I love you, too.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM
Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!  ;D

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 11, 2009, 05:01:36 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM
Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!  ;D

I suppose Blunkett thinks his wife works in the fishmongers
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: omagh_gael on December 11, 2009, 05:58:32 PM
What did the gypsy say when his girlfriend broke up with him?    Can we still be cousins?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: flantheman82 on December 11, 2009, 08:05:07 PM
Two gypsys got married.
On their wedding night the bride said to the groom, 'be gentle with me, I'm a virgin'.
Upon hearing this the groom run lifted his phone to phone his da. 
'da', he said, 'my new wife's a virgin'.
'pack your bags and get back home right away son' said the da. ' if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2009, 02:51:37 PM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
> turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
> children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
> dismissal.
>
> Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
> leave early today."
>
> Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
> and will answer the question."
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
>
> Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
>
> Johnny is even madder than before.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
>
> Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
> questions.
>
> When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
> keep their mouths shut!"
>
> The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
>
> Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2009, 03:41:19 PM
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?


Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I have deduced a lot about you & I've even told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well, then you're a w**ker.............
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyrone girl on December 17, 2009, 03:49:57 PM
Where the feck have u been?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2009, 04:13:39 PM
Quote from: tyrone girl on December 17, 2009, 03:49:57 PM
Where the feck have u been?

It's a long long story...and something happened that i'm not proud of but i'm back (for a while anyway)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2009, 04:33:22 PM
While walking through Hindmarsh square in Adelaide , a man came upon another
> man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
>
> Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
> doing?'
>
> 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
>
> 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
>
>
>
> 'No, would you like to give it a try?'
>
> Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
> around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
>
> With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
> wallet, jewelery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
>
>
> Two hours later someone strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree
> stark naked, and asked,
> 'What the hell happened to you?'
>
> He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
>
> When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
> sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind
>
> the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laceer on December 17, 2009, 05:03:08 PM
New Irish version of The Exorcist is being made..they hire the devil to get the priest out of the young boy
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 17, 2009, 09:52:58 PM
Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM
Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!  ;D


Excellent :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on December 18, 2009, 08:15:24 AM
In Ontario after a day of heavy snow, a report came on the TV asking would the people who lived in even numbered houses park their cars on the left side of the road to allow easy passage for the snow ploughs during the night.
The next night the report said would people who lived in odd numbers park on the right side of the road.
After more heavy snow the next night, Just as the report started, the power went out.
Wife says to husband,Now where do I park the car to-night?
Husband answers, Why not just leave it in the bloody garage!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on December 18, 2009, 08:28:09 AM
Three Vampires walk into a bar. The bartender approaches the first Vampire, what can I get ya? The first Vampire replies " I'll have a bloody Mary". The bartender nods his head and says that makes sense. Goes to the second Vampire "what will ya have?" The second Vampire says "I'll have a bloody Mary also." Bartender mumbles again to himself "sure, makes sense."
The bartender approaches the third Vampire and says "let me guess a bloody Mary?" The third Vampire answers "no just a cup of hot water" as he pulls out a used tampon and states "i am having tea."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: High Wide and Handsome on December 18, 2009, 08:45:47 AM
Fuckin clean rank harp!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 09:38:11 AM
Dear Friends

  Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you
  have forwarded over the year.

  I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
  the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
  envelope that needs sealing.

  Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.


  I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny
  Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But
  that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are
  sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the
  senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars
  with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
  intestate.

  I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
  for me.

  I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
  seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink
  Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

  I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
  so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no
  longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume
  sample and rob me.

  I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
  and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
  and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
  African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
  it bites my bum.

  I can't even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it
  probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
  grab my leg.

  If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
  minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm
  tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
  causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually
  happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's
  second husband's cousin's beautician.

  By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
  discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read
  their emails while holding the mouse.

  Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  Regards,
  Your friend
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 09:59:45 AM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this
  happened to be one of those occasions.

  Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

  'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

  'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!' So, the Pope offered to buy the camera

  from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

  The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

  Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

  Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost
  you?'

  Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...'

  'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 11:30:10 AM
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
>
> A family is at the dinner table. The son
> asks his father,
>
> 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
>
> The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son,
> there are three kinds of Boobs:
>
> In her 20's, a woman's are like melons,
> round and firm.
>
> In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears,
> still nice but hanging a bit.
>
> After 50, they are like onions'.
>
> 'Onions?'
>
> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
>
> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the
> daughter said,
> 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
>
> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
>
> 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
> In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
> mighty and hard.
> In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
> flexible but reliable.
> After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
>
> 'A Christmas tree?'
>
> 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are
> just for decoration.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 11:32:04 AM
It was Christmas Eve and a man was about to throw
himself off the roof of a ten-story building. His
attractive wife had left him for a younger man, he'd
lost his job and he owed thousands of pounds to the
bank. Just as he was screwing himself up to jump,
Father Christmas tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asked Santa solicitously.

The man explained why he was so miserable and prepared
to jump.

"Stop!" shouted Santa. "It's Christmas - I'll grant
you three wishes to solve your problems on the
understanding that you will grant me a small favour in
return!"

"Would you?" the man replied hopefully. "That would be wonderful!
Thank you, thank you!"

Santa promised him:

"You shall go home in one hour and your wife will be
dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for
forgiveness and longing for your return, and she will
have forgotten all about her new lover."

"You'll go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and
still have your job. Your salary will have increased
by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your
sacking."

"Then you'll go to your bank and discover you're ten
thousand pounds in credit with no outstanding bills."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" said the man. "What do you
want me to do in return?"

"Drop your pants and bend over!"

The man reluctantly complied. After quite a brutal
rogering, which made the man's eyes water, Santa
zipped up his pants and asked the man how old he was.

"Thirty-six." replied the man.

"Ho, ho, ho! You're a bit too old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you?" chuckled the fat, gay b@stard in fancy dress.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 02:35:10 PM
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 03:14:58 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and re fuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 18, 2009, 03:16:47 PM
Quote from: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 03:14:58 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and re fuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Classic!!! ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 03:21:55 PM
Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.



Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before a  sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.




While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.



We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks.

Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 18, 2009, 03:35:16 PM
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.  "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 21, 2009, 09:48:23 AM
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.


"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said  "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 21, 2009, 09:57:48 AM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 21, 2009, 11:15:36 AM
 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack
>
> and was taken to the hospital.
>
> While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
>
> Seeing God she asked " Is my time up ?"
>
> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
>
> and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
>
> She even had someone come in and change her hair colour
>
> and brighten her teeth !
>
> Since she had so much more time to live,
>
> she figured she might as well make the most of it.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
>
> While crossing the street on her way home,
>
> she was killed by an ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
>
> "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
>
> Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ?"
>
> And God replied: (You'll love this) .
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
> "I didn't recognize you"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 21, 2009, 12:28:01 PM
 This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.   


'A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste." 
"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.   

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."   

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..   

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."   

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"   


He said: "Who  ballsed  up your hair?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 09:47:03 AM
An Irishman is having breakfast in Parisone morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Irishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You Irish folk eat the whole bread??'

Irishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Irishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Irishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't.. In Francewe eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Ireland.'

After a moment of silence, The Irishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Irishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Irishman: 'We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 11:46:52 AM


BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:   What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:   Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:   Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:   There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:   Leicester
 

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:   I don't know.
Stewart White:   I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:   Arm
Stewart White:   Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:   Strong.
Stewart White:   Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:   Louis
Stewart White:   Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:   Frank Sinatra?
 
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:   What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:   France.
Trelinski:   France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:   Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:   Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:   Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:   Just guess a country then.
Contestant:   Paris.
 
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:   Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:   The Conservative Party.
 
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:   For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:   I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:   What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:   Goosey?
 
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:   What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:   I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )
Phil:   What's 11 squared?
Contestant:   I don't know.
Phil:   I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:   Is it five?
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:   Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:   Forrest Gump.
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:   Er. ... ..
Richard:   He makes bread . . .
Contestant:   Er .. .....
Richard:   He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:   Kipling Street?
 
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:   Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:   Barcelona.
Presenter:   I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:   I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
 
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:   What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:   The Pacific.
 
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:   Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:   Magna Carta?
 
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:   How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:   In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:   Japan.
Chris Searle:   I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:   Er ........ Mexico ?
 
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:   How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):   Fourteen days.
 
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:   In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:   Holland?
Daryl Denham:   Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:   Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)   It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:   No.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:   What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:   Er... .... ..
Phil Wood:   It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:   Blimey?
Phil Wood:   Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:   (Silence)
Phil Wood:   OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:   Walked?
 
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:   Nostalgia.
 
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:   What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:   Jewish.
Presenter:   That's close enough.
 
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:   Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:   Jesus.

 



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 11:55:38 AM
These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 12:23:22 PM
Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like

to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge.
He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington,
Ringway

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had

a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son
with

the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a
loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story

straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify

that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to
MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving those fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North
Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will
always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on

a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she
has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know

how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending
the other one?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 12:29:14 PM
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head
in the door and asked,   
'How long before I can get a haircut?'   
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'   
The guy left. 
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in
the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .'   
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favour.   Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go
when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes
and said,........

'Your house!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 12:32:23 PM
How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.





So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'



Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.



God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

And that it would be a woman.








He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,



And when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you








She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,



And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.



She will praise you!








She will bear your children.




 

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.








'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and



Passion whenever you need it.'







Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'



'An arm and a leg.'


 


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib 


Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 12:44:28 PM
The best ducking joke today :




A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.


"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 12:49:15 PM
        Wally's Wedding Night
            At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
            Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after
their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she
is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.
            After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed
and the expected 'knock' on the door.
            Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
            They unite as one.
            All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.
            After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Wally.
            Again he is ready for more 'action.'
            Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
            When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.
            She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....
            Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as
a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
            And, once again they enjoy each other.
            But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says
to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well and so often.
            I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
            Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......
            'You mean I've been here already?'
            Don't be afraid of getting old, senior's moments might just
have advantages.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 04:36:14 PM
A Torry man in Aberdeen, was heading out to the Crown and Anchor for a night on the bevvy and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
> "Jackie - put your hat and coat on, quine."
> "Awe Ian that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?"
> "Nah; just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."
>
>
> Did you hear about the Glaswegian criminal who was sentenced to solitary confinement? He was is his 'sel.
>
>
> The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots .....
> so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.
>
> How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? 'Och! it's nae that dark!'
>
> Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
> He sold her four of them....
>
> A Heatheryfold Loon in Aberdeen, took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.
> She was so beautiful he could hardly take his eye off the meter...
>
> A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himself....
>
> A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
> The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
> The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
> So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.The man reads 'Peter Forbes, fae Kincorth, deid'
> He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying "I think we cud allow
> 3 or 4 more words fer yer money."
> The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
> The man then reads
> 'Peter Forbes, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'......
>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 04:40:57 PM
Psychiatrists vs. Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 04:48:49 PM
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 04:55:23 PM
The next pandemic!

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes.             

As a result, I have unfortunately tested positive for what a cadre of experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is serious - and it appears this is NOT an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from across the country of others now being diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone exhibiting the aforementioned symptoms, experts recommend a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and call in sick.

Then take the only drug proven to combat this usual type type of flu - a McDonald's Happy Meal.

If that doesn't work, further application of the original liquid, in familiar quantities, has been shown to do the trick.     
           
Wine Flu does not NEED to be life threatening!

If treated early, it can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that the virus has mutated into Whine Flu. 

This is particularly common in men and can spread to their partners whose symptoms may include a serious case of eye-rolling.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:02:00 PM
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."  Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is centuries old.  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.  You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck.  Who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.  After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided you were right.
I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:07:03 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink. 
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can 't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:11:05 PM
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
      No crap, really? Ya think? 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers    
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------- 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
       What a guy!   
---------------------------------------------------------------   
Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
------------------------------------------------------   
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------   
War Dims Hope for Peace   
I can see where it might have that effect! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
      Who would have thought! 
----------------------------------------------------------------   
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    
They may be on to something!------------------------------------------------------------------------   

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ----------------------------------------------------------   
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge    
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren't they fat enough?! 
-----------------------------------------------     
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
---------------- ---------------------------------   
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 
     
Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
***************************************************   
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
       Boy, are they tall! 
*******************************************   
And the winner is....   
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead   
   
     Did I read that right? 
*************************************************** 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:15:25 PM
Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:16:55 PM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.




During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.


As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 22, 2009, 05:17:55 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over ?''
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on December 22, 2009, 05:26:04 PM
Welcome back. You're in good form today.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:37:54 PM
illdecide you're doing trojan work on this thread... fair play

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:39:43 PM
To All Staff,
> > RE: SWEARING AT WORK It has been brought to management's attention
that
> > some individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language
> > during the course  of normal conversation with their co-workers.
> > Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> offended,
> > this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
> realize
> > the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
> feelings
> > when communicating with co-workers.
> > Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been
provided so
> > that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
> effective
> > manner.
> >
> >  1) TRY SAYING:
> >  I think you could use more training.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
> >
> >
> >  2) TRY SAYING:
> >  She's an aggressive go-getter.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  She's a ball-busting c__t.
> >
> >
> >  3) TRY SAYING:
> >  Perhaps I can work late.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?
> >
> >
> >  4) TRY SAYING:
> >  I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  No f___ing chance.
> >
> >
> > 5) TRY SAYING:
> >  Really?
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> > You've got to be sh__ing me!
> >
> >
> > 6) TRY SAYING:
> >  Perhaps you should check with...
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  Tell someone who gives a f__.
> >
> >
> > 7) TRY SAYING:
> > I wasn't involved in the project.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  It's not my f____ing problem.
> >
> >
> >  8) TRY SAYING:
> >  That's interesting.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> > What the f___?
> >
> >  9) TRY SAYING:
> >  I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  This sh__ won't work.
> >
> >  10) TRY SAYING:
> >  I'll try to schedule that in.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
> >
> >
> >  11) TRY SAYING:
> > He's not familiar with the issues.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> > He's got his head up his a__.
> >
> >
> >  12) TRY SAYING:
> > Excuse me sir?
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> > Eat sh__ and die.
> >
> >
> >  13) TRY SAYING:
> >  So you weren't happy with it?
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> > Kiss my a__.
> >
> >
> > 14) TRY SAYING:
> >  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  F___ it, I'm not getting overtime.
> >
> >
> >  15) TRY SAYING:
> >  I don't think you understand.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  Shove it up your a__.
> >
> >
> >  16) TRY SAYING:
> >  I love a challenge.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  This job sucks c__k.
> >
> >
> > 17) TRY SAYING:
> > You want me to take care of that?
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  Who the f___ died and made you boss?
> >
> >
> >  18 ) TRY SAYING:
> >  He's somewhat insensitive.
> >  INSTEAD OF:
> >  He's a pr_ck.
> >
> > Thank You,
> > Human Resources
> >
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:42:28 PM
>> Brewer CEO Meeting
>>
>>
>>
>> At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various
>> brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first
>> day's conference.
>>
>>
>>
>> Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make
>> the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters,mate."
>>
>>
>>
>> Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the
>> finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a
>> Bud."
>>
>> Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give
>> me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
>>
>>
>>
>> Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a
>> diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."
>>
>>
>>
>> The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all
>> over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a

>> Guinness, Pat?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then
>> neither am I!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:48:56 PM
Engineers, they're special!!   
   
   
Understanding Engineers - Take One   

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."   
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."   


Understanding Engineers - Take Two   
   
To the optimist, the glass is half full.   
   
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.   
   
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.   


Understanding Engineers - Take Three   
   
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."   

"Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"   


Understanding Engineers - Take Four   
   
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an elctric utility, loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.   

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the turbine worked perfectly again.   

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.   

The engineer responded briefly:   
One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.   
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.   
   

Understanding Engineers - Take Five   
   
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?   
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.   


Understanding Engineers - Take Six   
   
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"   
   

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven   
   
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.   
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."   
   
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle   


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight   

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."   


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine   
   
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I'v told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:57:43 PM
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 08:38:23 PM
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:  These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 23, 2009, 09:53:42 AM
                                                                           
  Maths, over the years...                                                 
                                                                           
  1. Teaching Maths In 1970                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.                           
                                                                           
  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.                               
                                                                           
  What is his profit?                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
  2. Teaching Maths In 1980                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.                           
                                                                           
  His cost of production is 80% of the price.                               
                                                                           
  What is his profit?                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
  3. Teaching Maths In 1990                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.                           
                                                                           
  His cost of production is £80.                                           
                                                                           
  How much was his profit?                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
  4. Teaching Maths In 2000                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.                           
                                                                           
  His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.                     
                                                                           
  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
  5. Teaching Maths In 2005                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and           
  inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the           
  preservation                                                             
  of our woodlands.                                                         
                                                                           
  Your assignment: Discuss how might the birds and squirrels feel as the   
  logger cut down their  homes just for a measly profit of £20.             
                                                                           
                                                                           
  6. Teaching Maths In 2009                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be     
  offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the       
  felling                                                                   
  licence. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health &   
  Safety legislation as it's deemed too dangerous and could cut something. 
  He                                                                       
  has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does
                                                                           
  not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore           
  considered                                                               
  to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his     
  details                                                                   
  circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken   
  to                                                                       
  court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he   
  is                                                                       
  released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build 
  a                                                                         
  camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted 
  for                                                                       
  harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While 
  he                                                                       
  is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the   
  black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and
  pheasant and depart, leaving behind several tons of rubbish and asbestos 
  sheeting. The forester, on release, is warned that failure to clear the   
  fly                                                                       
  tipped rubbish immediately, at his own cost, is an offence. He complains 
  and                                                                       
  is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
                                                                           
  £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government       
  contractor.                                                               
                                                                           
  Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be         
  arrested                                                                 
  and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by
                                                                           
  hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the state for the   
  rest                                                                     
  of his life?                                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
  7. Teaching Maths In 2010                                                 
                                                                           
  A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan 
  to                                                                       
  buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money       
  on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in   
  Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a   
  few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who   
  made                                                                     
  the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1200 road           
  tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer 
  meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some       
  Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back   
  on                                                                       
  the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their     
  cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their     
  relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport
                                                                           
  them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they 
  return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.   
  The                                                                       
  logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and, as his name is
  on                                                                       
  the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1500 registration fees as
  a                                                                         
  gang                                                                     
  master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as   
  bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing         
  out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.                 
                                                                           
  You do the maths.                                                         
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
  8. Teaching Maths 2017                                                   
                                                                           
  أ المسجل تبيع حموله                                                       
  شاحنة                                                                     
  من                                                                       
  الخشب                                                                     
  من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة                                             
  الانتاج من                                                               
  الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟                                                   
                                                                           
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 23, 2009, 09:55:27 AM
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.



One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!



The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle...


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)





'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 23, 2009, 09:56:54 AM
Quote from: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:37:54 PM
illdecide you're doing trojan work on this thread... fair play

aye i had these emails built up on the PC and I'm doing my annual clean out...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 03, 2010, 07:56:16 PM
Q. How do you make Lady Ga Ga cross?

A. Pokerface
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 04, 2010, 09:50:19 AM
The Pope gets attacked, the Catholic Church is in shame over decades of child abuse. Rangers are top of the league and then G Adams  declares incest in his family.

Carlsberg don't normally do Christmas for Prods, but they've managed this time!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on January 04, 2010, 10:26:28 AM
Might be an old one ...

"Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 07, 2010, 10:01:25 AM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. ' We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts,

'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way .
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on January 07, 2010, 11:07:14 AM
Dad, I got a job at the Bowling Alley.
Ten Pin?
No Permanent.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 07, 2010, 11:29:14 AM
 A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'



'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on January 07, 2010, 02:36:09 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing a gig and turns to the crowd asking if they have any requests.

An Asian guy at the front shouts "Pray a jazz chord". Surprised that the fan knows about his jazz background, Stevie plays out an amazing freestyle jazz rendition. Again, he turns to the crowd and is surprised the asian guy again shouts "Pray a jazz chord".

Stevie again plays another freestyle jazz song. he turns to the crowd again. the asian guy continues to shout "Pray a jazz chord! Pray a jazz chord!". Stevie asks, "I've just played 2! What more do you want?"

The Asian guy shouts "A jazz chord! You know? A jazz chord, to say a rove you..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on January 07, 2010, 02:39:25 PM
A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.
Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. He watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.
They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.
After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.
The man explains to him....
"My wife will catch us if we go to my house....., Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......, The cheapest B&B around is €70.......
I give you €50.........
And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 07, 2010, 05:20:10 PM
New album out today by Willie McCrea including the hits by Shaggy - It wasn't me! - The Streets - Dry your eyes mate and the classic from the graduate - Here's to you Mrs Robinson!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 07, 2010, 05:21:46 PM
Whats a 9 volt battery and a womans arsehole got in common?




you know its wrong but sooner or later your gonna touch it with your tongue!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on January 10, 2010, 11:40:17 AM
Questions were asked around The Emirates Stadium yesterday trying to clarify if Emanuel Adebayor ran the length of the Togo team bus to celebrate in front The Gunners this time?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 10, 2010, 08:43:34 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced 50 percent.

Then her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to look in just two or three more before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely to be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you.  He's dead!  Show me what you bought!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 10, 2010, 10:58:10 PM
Peter Robinson visited his optican today complaining that his eyes have been watery since March, the Optician says "I think i know whats wrong, there's been something stuck in your Iris".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 17, 2010, 11:58:52 PM
Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.  Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. I'm at this level.






After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on January 19, 2010, 05:24:59 PM
My Missus nearly walked in on me looking at the Liverpool website on my laptop. Luckily I managed to whip my c@ck out and pretend I was having a w**k to save any embarrassment
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haveaharp on January 21, 2010, 05:39:20 PM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. 

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. 
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...
and I  hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs
my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! 
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, 
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, 
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: kumquat on January 22, 2010, 05:45:45 PM
A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him was reading a book titled
''Strange but true sexual facts''.

"Interesting?'' he asks.

''Yes'' she replies, ''For instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a Irishman has the thickest?

Oh, I'm sorry" she continued,

"My name's Helen & yours?" ...

''Tonto Murphy"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on January 25, 2010, 09:17:43 AM
NOT ABOUT SEX ALERT - BEWARE!

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator... At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that the y belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 10:04:34 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
  The father realised the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly..

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
  coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 10:42:35 AM
A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit
Las Vegas."




" They go to
Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous
girl.
"And that


is how the girl ended up in
My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 10:47:47 AM
It's just before Liverpool Man U game. Rooney goes into the united changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.



"What's up?" he asks.





"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".



Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."



So Rooney goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Man Utd team goes off for a few jars.





After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Liverpool 0 – Man Utd 1 (Rooney 10 minutes)". He is beating Liverpool all by himself!





Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.







"Result from the Anfield ... Liverpool 1 (Torres 89 minutes) – Man Utd 1 (Rooney 10minutes)".







They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Liverpool!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.





He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."









"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Liverpool, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"









"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 25, 2010, 11:37:04 AM
Very good illdecide.

Good use of space there too. Is that a Man U tactic?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 11:53:06 AM
Quote from: Orior on January 25, 2010, 11:37:04 AM
Very good illdecide.

Good use of space there too. Is that a Man U tactic?

Yes...your good Orior.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 11:54:05 AM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father'.
The little boy replied, my Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many "
The boy said, my Daddy has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
" Maybe you should wear a Condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 11:56:19 AM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realised what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

  Give more.

Expect less
NOW ............

                  Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got  infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 11:57:34 AM
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on January 25, 2010, 01:40:19 PM
12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV

      1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
      from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

      2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
      Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

      3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
      horse. I once rode her mother."

      4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
      isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
      Cox of the Oxford crew."

      5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
      playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
      his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

      6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
      Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

      7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
      snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
      where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
      HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
      were laughing so hard!

      8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
      today after a 69 yesterday."

      9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
      said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
      night like this."

      10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
      Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
      gets."

      11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
      astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
      "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
      come in his shorts."

      12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
      Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
      to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 02:11:14 PM
A lion was in its enclosure at the zoo, basking in the sun and licking its hole.

"That's a very docile animal," a visitor remarks to the keeper.

"Not at all" says the keeper, "that lion is the most ferocious beast in the entire zoo. Just one hour ago, the lion grabbed an English tourist, sadistically toyed with him at length and then completely devoured him.

"That's difficult to believe," said the bewildered visitor, "why is he just sitting there ignoring us and licking its arse then?"


"Poor bastard is trying to get the taste out of his mouth"
replied the keeper
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 02:13:28 PM
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!
 
All Seniors Aren't Senile
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 25, 2010, 05:24:06 PM
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience. 
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But , 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work  and  Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude  will get you there, its the Bullshit   and  Ass kissing  that will put you over the top. 



'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM' 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: football-4-life on January 25, 2010, 08:31:04 PM
what goes 12 33 50 62 79?

a postmans round in haiti
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 25, 2010, 10:13:35 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cokers on January 26, 2010, 12:38:31 AM
Whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?








Einsteins c**k!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 26, 2010, 09:28:17 AM
Start of Joke.
The girlfriend and I have split up, she says I love football more than her... I'm devastated we've been together for 8 seasons.
End of joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 26, 2010, 09:38:39 AM
Here's a good knock-knock joke. It needs somebody to start it for me ....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on January 26, 2010, 10:04:26 AM
Knock, knock!  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on January 26, 2010, 10:06:35 AM
Whose there?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on January 26, 2010, 11:41:57 AM
Boo
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on January 26, 2010, 12:08:20 PM
Quote from: Declan on January 26, 2010, 10:06:35 AM
Whose  there?

Hardy will be around to correct this later
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 26, 2010, 06:19:28 PM
Sorry - that knock-knock one doesn't work so well on line.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 26, 2010, 10:54:18 PM
Seven secrets

http://www.cracked.com/article/147_7-secrets-only-two-living-people-know-for-some-reason/ (http://www.cracked.com/article/147_7-secrets-only-two-living-people-know-for-some-reason/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 26, 2010, 10:58:31 PM
How to annoy Blockbuster Movies - though I think its fake

http://longrangeshooter.com/forums/index.php/topic,148.0.html (http://longrangeshooter.com/forums/index.php/topic,148.0.html)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2010, 11:05:44 AM
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2010, 03:57:42 PM
This is not one of my finest...

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down)









































What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on January 29, 2010, 10:48:47 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 26, 2010, 10:58:31 PM
How to annoy Blockbuster Movies - though I think its fake

http://longrangeshooter.com/forums/index.php/topic,148.0.html (http://longrangeshooter.com/forums/index.php/topic,148.0.html)

Tear drops were splashing on my keyboard, my stomach muscles ached and I accidently head butted the table whilst taking several fits reading this.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 10:59:52 AM
One for the women...

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.




3.Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.


4.
Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..


5.
Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6.Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.


7.
Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8.
Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.
Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10
Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11
Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12
Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13.
Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 11:03:11 AM
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the bloody height of this flagpole, but we don't have a bloody ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height and she gives us the bloody length.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 11:06:17 AM
Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge & said "I've just spoken to John Terry & he's lost the captains armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me"!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 11:07:47 AM
Magic Penis                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                               

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought                                                                 

he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied..  He went to a sex                                                                         

shop                                                                                                                                         

and explained his situation.  The man there said, ' Well, I don't know                                                                   

that                                                                                                                                         

I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...                                                               

the Magic Penis!'                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                               

The husband said, 'The what'?                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                               

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,'  and pulled out what seemed to be                                                                     

an                                                                                                                                           

ordinary dildo.                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                               

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                               

The man then pointed to the door and said, '     Magic Penis, door!'                                                                         

                                                                                                                                               

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started                                                                           

pounding                                                                                                                                     

away at the keyhole.  The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so                                                                       

much                                                                                                                                         

so,  that                                                                                                                                   

a crack began to form down the middle.  Then the man said, 'Magic Penis,                                                                 

return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.                                                                               

                                                                                                                                               

The husband bought it  and took it home to his wife.    After the                                                                           

husband                                                                                                                                     

had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis.  She                                                                         

undressed,                                                                                                                                   

opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'    The penis shot to                                                                     

her                                                                                                                                         

crotch.  It was absolutely incredible.  After three mind shattering                                                                         

orgasms,                                                                                                                                     

she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.  She tried to                                                                       

pull                                                                                                                                         

it out, but it was stuck..  Her husband had neglected to tell her how to                                                                     

turn it                                                                                                                                     

off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the                                                                           

closest                                                                                                                                     

hospital.                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                               

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over                                                                   

the                                                                                                                                         

road.  A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.  He                                                                       

asked                                                                                                                                       

for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                               

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink                                                                   

officer                                                                                                                                     

You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't                                                                   

stop screwing me.'                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                               

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,                                                                         

'Yeah                                                                                                                                       

right...  Magic Penis, my ass...!'                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                               

The rest, as they say, is history...                                                                                                         
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 11:08:50 AM
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...
>
>
>
>
>
>
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 11:11:27 AM
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 02, 2010, 05:30:15 PM
A container full of 250,000 Rangers tops was returned by the people of Haiti with a note..."we have no homes, no food and no water but we still have our dignity"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 03, 2010, 03:47:02 PM
Saying there is a thread about Farting i thought this would raise a smile with a few of the lads...

The Perfect Dump.
Every once in a while, everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too Many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like a japanese flag.

The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face... pull up your kecks, tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:

1. Flush the toilet.
2. Drop loose change on the floor.
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba***rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...

The Whole Roll Dump.
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.

The Encore Dump.
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about To leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores...

The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Asal Mor on February 03, 2010, 03:54:35 PM
 :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 03, 2010, 04:27:43 PM
Absolutely brillant!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2010, 02:07:45 PM
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said;

'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter,

'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked

'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 04, 2010, 03:49:50 PM
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was  "How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

---

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

---

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 04, 2010, 05:29:55 PM
A (TRANSFER DEADLINE) DAY IN THE LIFE OF ROBERT DAVID KEANE (AGED 29)

12pm: Get up and eat hearty Irish breakfast. It's going to be another long transfer deadline day chez Keane. I've been a massive fan of transfer deadline day all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

12.45pm: Mmm, that was tasty. I've been a massive fan of rashers, eggs, sausages, baked beans, black pudding, soda bread and black tea all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

1.30pm: Knock on lid of sunbed and ask Claudine where designer washbag is. She says she'll pack it for me when she's finished topping up her tan. She's been a massive fan of UV rays, going back to when she was a kid growing up in Dublin.

1.35pm: Check tabloid websites to see which teams I'm being linked with. Ooh! Sunderland and the Queen's Celtic. I haven't played for either before, but like Wolves, Coventry, Inter, Dirty Leeds, Spurs and Liverpool, I've been a massive fan of both clubs all my life, going back to when I was kid growing up in Dublin.

1.50pm: Print off template of stock unveiling speech that's served me so well down the years: "It's absolutely fantastic, a real dream come true for me. I've been a [insert team name in here] fan all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin, and I always had a [insert team name in here] shirt on my back. So, to be here now as a [insert team name in here] player is incredible and I couldn't be happier ..."

2pm: Mr 10% hasn't called, so knock on lid of sunbed to ask Claudine what I should do next. She says to check to see if there's any reporters from Sky Sports News standing shivering outside the house. I've been a massive fan of Sky Sports News all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

2.05pm: Dash to window and look, but can't see any reporters from Sky Sports News.

4pm: Remember to open curtains and see inquisitive face of shivering, microphone-wielding eejit in Sky Sports puffa jacket staring back at me. I've been a massive fan of Andy Burton all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

4.30pm: Get call from Mr 10% - the Queen's Celtic have come in for me!!! That's great news. I've been a massive fan of the Queen's Celtic all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

4.35pm: Get on AA route-finder. 401.4 miles!?!?!? I can't get there by the deadline at 5pm.

5.40pm: Ring Mr 10% to explain predicament. Apparently the transfer window in Scotland doesn't close until midnight, so I've time to get a flight. A flight? I've been a massive fan of flying all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

5.45pm: Knock on lid of sunbed and tell Claudine we're moving to Glasgow.

5.50pm: Orange arm emerges from sunbed holding Armani washbag containing cheese sandwiches and a Lucozade bottle full of cold tea. I've been a massive fan of packed lunch all my life going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

5.55pm: Leave house, step over frozen corpse of microphone-wielding man in Sky Sports puffa jacket. Drive to airport, get on plane.

9pm: Appear before press at Queen's Celtic Park wearing green and white hoops, the colours of Queen's Celtic who I've been a massive fan of all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin. "It's absolutely unbelievable. I always wanted to play for the [Queen's] Celtic and it works out well for both parties."

9.05pm: Check fixture list. Next up it's Kilmarnock away. I've been a massive fan of Kilma ... actually no, I've never heard of them
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 04, 2010, 05:55:41 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig and turns to the crowd asking if they have any requests.

An Asian guy at the front shouts "Pray a jazz chord". Surprised that the fan knows about his jazz background, Stevie plays out an amazing freestyle jazz rendition. Again, he turns to the crowd and is surprised the asian guy again shouts "Pray a jazz chord".

Stevie again plays another freestyle jazz song. he turns to the crowd again. the asian guy continues to shout "Pray a jazz chord! Pray a jazz chord!". Stevie asks, "I've just played 2! What more do you want?"

The Asian guy shouts "A jazz chord! You know? A jazz chord, to say a rove you..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 04, 2010, 05:58:05 PM

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.
Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. He watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.
They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.
After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.
The man explains to him....
"My wife will catch us if we go to my house....., Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......, The cheapest B&B around is €70.......
I give you €50.........
And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on February 04, 2010, 08:29:17 PM
Quote from: illdecide on February 04, 2010, 03:49:50 PM
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door...

Best lot yet I'lldecide!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 05, 2010, 04:11:34 PM
Police Complaint Letter
Police Complaint - just brilliant!


This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ??????,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 08, 2010, 10:07:18 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,   
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And my favorite:


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 08, 2010, 10:53:23 AM
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin Mortuary.  Mysteriously,  all of them have big smiles on their faces.

After performing autopsies, the Coroner calls in the police to inform  them of what has happened to each person.

First body: Pierre Dubois a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure  while making love to his 20-year old mistress. 'Hence the enormous  smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

Second body: Hamish Campbell a Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on  the  lottery, spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning,  Hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked. 'And what about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the Coroner.  'The Third body: is the most unusual case. 
  Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why on earth was he smiling then?'  Inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken!'  replied the Coroner.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: winsamsoon on February 08, 2010, 02:09:05 PM
classic saan
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on February 09, 2010, 11:54:56 AM
TWO PRAWNS

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,

and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

.

.


.

'I've found Cod. I'm a

Prawn again Kristian'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2010, 02:20:10 PM
 
Three men married wives from different countries.
The first man married a woman from  China . 
He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from  Italy . 
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a girl from Glasgow.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. 
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2010, 04:13:53 PM
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red
light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the
officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the
'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving
record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red
light... Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this
a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"


"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."


"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir?



"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arsehole?"


"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2010, 04:31:05 PM
Two medical students were walking between classes when they saw an old man on the sidewalk ahead of them walking strangely. He was walking slowly and stiff-legged and his legs were spread further apart than normal. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Would you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was Wind -- but I was wrong, too!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2010, 04:39:16 PM





======================   
Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:   A white one...
===============
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
=============== 
Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a colour printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.
===============
Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 09, 2010, 04:41:52 PM
Excellent stuff illdecide....  Just what a man needed to avoid going nuts in the library
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2010, 04:52:37 PM
Not really a joke but interesting reading :o


SCHOOL -- 1958
> > vs. 2008
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Jack
> > goes rabbit shooting before school,
> > pulls
> > into school parking lot with rifle in gun
> > rack.
> >
> > 1958 - Vice Principal
> > comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car
> > and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about
> > guns.
> >
> > 2008 - School goes into
> > lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to
> > jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors
> > called in for traumatized students and teachers.
> >
> > Scenario:
> > Johnny
> > and Mark get into a fistfight after
> > school.
> >
> > 1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark
> > wins.   Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
> > buddies.
> >
> > 2008 - Police called and
> > arrest Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with
> > assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both
> > children go to anger management programs for 3
> > months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying
> > prevention programs
> > 
> > Scenario:
> > Robbie
> > won't sit still in class, disrupts other
> > students.
> >
> > 1958 - Robbie sent to office and
> > given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to
> > class, sits still and does not disrupt class
> > again.
> >
> > 2008 - Robbie given huge
> > doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD.
> > Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and
> > School gets extra funding from state because
> > Robbie has a disability.
> >
> >  Scenario :
> > Billy
> > breaks a window in his neighbour's
> > car
> > and
> > his Dad gives him a whipping with his
> > belt.
> >
> > 1958 - Billy is more
> > careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
> > and becomes a successful businessman.
> >
> > 2008 - Billy's dad is
> > arrested for child abuse. Billy
> > removed to foster care and joins a gang. State
> > psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
> > remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
> > prison.
> >           
> > Scenario :
> > Mark
> > gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
> > school.
> >
> > 1958 - Mark gets glass of
> > water from Principal to take aspirin
> > with.
> >
> > 2008 - Police called, Mark
> > expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for
> > drugs and weapons. 
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Pedro
> > fails high school English.
> >
> > 1958 - Pedro goes to
> > summer school, passes English and goes to
> > college.
> >
> > 2008 - Pedro's cause
> > is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear
> > nationally explaining that teaching English as a
> > requirement for graduation is racist.    AFRE
> > files class action lawsuit against state school
> > system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned
> > from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but
> > ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot
> > speak English. 
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Johnny
> > takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of
> > July,
> > puts
> > them in a model airplane paint
> > bottle
> > and
> > blows up a bullant nest.
> >
> > 1958 - Ants
> > die.
> >
> > 2008- Star Force, Federal
> > Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.   
> > Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate
> > parents, siblings removed from home, computers
> > confiscated.   Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch
> > list and is never allowed to fly
> > again.
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Johnny
> > falls while running during recess and scrapes his
> > knee.
> > He
> > is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to
> > comfort him.
> >
> > 1958 - In a short time,
> > Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
> >
> > 2008 - Mary is accused of
> > being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3
> > years in Prison. 
> > Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 09, 2010, 04:57:48 PM
That last one cuts pretty close to the truth...

Apparently teachers in my old national school have to walk kids down to the school gate to meet their parents now after school is finished.... health and safety shit strikes again...

Once the bell rang at 3 when I was there, it was a scramble by kids and teachers alike to get out the door and nobody died from it either!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on February 10, 2010, 10:27:28 AM
The seven dwarfs go to the
    Vatican , and because they are
    the seven dwarfs, they are
    immediately ushered in to see
    the Pope.


    Grumpy leads the pack.


    'Grumpy, my son,' says the
    Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


    Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your
    Excellency, but are there any
    dwarf nuns in  Rome?'


    The Pope wrinkles his brow at
    the odd question, thinks for a
    moment and answers, 'No,
    Grumpy, there are no dwarf
    nuns in Rome .'


    In the background, a few of the
    dwarfs start giggling.


    Grumpy turns around and
    glares, silencing them.


    Grumpy turns back, 'Your
    Worship, are there any dwarf
    nuns in all of Europe ?'


    The Pope, puzzled now, again
    thinks for a moment and then
    answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are
    no dwarf nuns in Europe .


    'This time, all of the other dwarfs
    burst into laughter.


    Once again, Grumpy turns
    around and silences them with an
    angry glare.


    Grumpy turns back and says,
    'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
    nuns anywhere in the world?'


    The Pope, really confused by the
    questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
    son, there are no dwarf nuns
    anywhere in the world.'


    The other dwarfs collapse into a
    heap, rolling and laughing,
    pounding the floor, tears rolling
    down their cheeks, as they begin
    chanting......


    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on February 10, 2010, 11:19:35 AM
BLOND'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up...
Really excited.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 10, 2010, 03:28:26 PM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
                                            WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
                                           AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC  SECOND LINE:




                                        1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
                                           Marrying you has screwed up my life.

                                          2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
                                          That's why I always wake up screaming.

                                           3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
                                          This describes everything you are not.

                                       4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
                                      But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

                                          5. I thought that I could love no other
                                           -- that is until I met your brother.

                            6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
                             But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
                                                empty and so is your head.

                                           7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
                                       But don't take that paper bag off your face.

                                      8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
                                              Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

                                           9. My love, you take my breath away.
                                        What have you stepped in to smell this way?

                                        10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
                                              Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

                                           11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
                                              Two parts vodka, one part lime.




                                                WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 10, 2010, 03:42:33 PM
Pretty sure this was used b4 but couldn't be bothered checking...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : £2.00�
HAMBURGER : £2.25�
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50�
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50�
HAND JOB : £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"



She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 10, 2010, 04:22:53 PM
Quote from: illdecide on February 10, 2010, 03:42:33 PM
Pretty sure this was used b4 but couldn't be bothered checking...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : £2.00�
HAMBURGER : £2.25�
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50�
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50�
HAND JOB : £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"



She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Brilliant saaan  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 10, 2010, 05:12:36 PM
This one def has done the rounds (people change the area to suit)

This one is for all you Sligo Lovers!!!!!

At the dole office in Sligo a Traveler walked in to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' How's it going Boss, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd like to get a job!

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is € 200,000 a year.

The traveler just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin me!

The social welfare worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 03:32:06 PM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e294d397ba&view=att&th=12351b3576a4c40e&attid=0.1&disp=inline&realattid=0.1&zw)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 03:35:54 PM
The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a
good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is

in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 03:41:08 PM
IRISH TRAIN

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I  think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan


Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in  your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Iarnrod Eireann.


Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the  ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 03:43:29 PM
Older People ...
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The kid had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your
life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just
wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 03:54:45 PM
 "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

On the Porsche Cayenne "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 11, 2010, 04:00:27 PM
Larger than life in more ways the one, Neil "Razor" Ruddock filled up a  large part of the Soccer AM sofa this week and basically assassinated
the character of his old team-mate at Liverpool, and "friend", Jason McAteer.


Ruddock held court in the studio for five minutes, and the Jester, McAteer, hung his head in shame.


In Razor's very own words on Mr Jason McAteer:


"Basically right, Dave, you are thick. Dave is his nickname. It goes back a long way because when he was at Bolton his nickname was Trigger.
When he signed for Liverpool, Rob Jones was Trigger, and you can't have two Triggers, so we called him Dave. And he is thick.


"And he ruined my life once. I am from south London and I have always wanted to meet Jimmy White and I have never, ever, ever met Jimmy White.
We are in a Dublin bar and Dave McAteer says to me, 'Razor, Razor, quick look, your hero Jimmy White has just walked in'.


"As I see Jimmy White, Dave shouts over to him, 'Jimmy! Jimmy! 180!!!!'


"And I still ain't met Jimmy White.


"How about the time when we were in a villa in Spain and decided to hire a car and go to the beach for the day. So I got all the gear in the boot
and Dave comes out with a big bag of ice.


I say: 'Dave, what are you doing?'
Dave says: 'It's for the drinks on the beach.'
I say: 'Dave, by the time we get to the beach the ice is going to be melted.' So he says: 'Oh yeah, I will go and get another one'."


Finally, on Soccer AM, McAteer gets a word in, "I am never going to work again. I am afraid these are all true."


And so Ruddock says, "I ain't finished.


"Dave decided because we were all rich and Spice Boys, well he weren't because he was at Bolton, so he signed for Liverpool and he got his
first wage packet, so me, him and Phil Babb went down to the docks to buy this new silver Porsche.


"So we had bought the new, silver Porsche and we went over to Dave's house and we had a night out. We get up in the morning and Dave is taking us to training.


"He goes out and he says, 'hold up lads, it's freezing out there, the car is covered in frost. I will go out there and start the engine, clear
the frost off and we can finish our coffee and go to training'.


"So we finish the coffee and we go back out and the frost has gone but the car has locked itself and we couldn't get in it.


"I said, 'where are the spare keys.'


"He said, 'in the garage where I bought it from in case something like this happened'.


"So as we are trying to get in, this police car comes round the corner and we are trying to get in like three scallywags and we say, 'no, no it
is Razor and Phil and Jason', and the police say, 'ok Mr McAteer, Dave, go and get a coat hanger and we will try to open it. It most probably won't work with these new cars, but we will give it a try'.


"Dave walks back out with a wooden one."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Zapatista on February 12, 2010, 06:34:54 PM
STATIONARY SHOP MOVES
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 12, 2010, 07:03:35 PM
Before Diana was Princess of Hearts, she was the Countess of Kidneys.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 16, 2010, 09:54:05 AM
When OJ dies....


One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. 

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said ......





(This is priceless)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 16, 2010, 04:56:20 PM
A businessman was charged with tax evasion and he was very nervous about appearing in court. He talked with his accountant who advised him to wear shabby clothing and let the tax department think he was poor. Then he talked with his lawyer and told him what his accountant had suggested. The lawyer said "No way, dress in your smartest suit and tie and don't let them intimidate you"

The businessman was confused at the conflicting advice so he went to have a talk with his local priest and ask him what he should wear to court.

The priest said "There was a young woman who was about to get married so she went to her mother and asked her what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother said that she should wear along flannelette nightdress buttoned right up to her neck. Then she went and told her friend what her mother had suggested. Her friend told her she should wear a scanty negligee with a V neck that plunged right down to her navel"

The businessman said "But Father what has this story got to do with what I should wear to court?"

The priest said "No matter what you wear you are going to be screwed"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 16, 2010, 05:45:22 PM
How do you get 150 old ladies to say "f**k" at the same time?

Shout "Bingo!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 16, 2010, 06:01:40 PM
Brilliant Hardy!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Capt Pat on February 17, 2010, 06:42:21 PM
Why did Alexander McQueen hang himself?

Because he was afraid to come out of the closet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 18, 2010, 11:25:50 AM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuse me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..."I don't weally fink my Pyfon gives a phuk."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on February 18, 2010, 04:01:11 PM
I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil...

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for sterling.
It was obvious She was a little irritated. ... ...
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get
two hunat poun fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 19, 2010, 01:08:21 AM
What would you get if you crossed 'bed' and 'time'. Ooh! I've got an idea! Night.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 09:35:58 AM
An Englishman living with two Irishmen who both worked on the same site, asked them if their foreman would give him a start. The Irish lads gave him the phone no. but warned him that the foreman only takes on Irish lads. So the English fella rings up to ask about work, telling the foreman about his wealth of experience etc & the foreman indeed replies that he only takes on Irish workers. So the Englishman in desperation announces 'but my grandad's Irish!' The foreman says "why didn't you say so have...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 09:38:22 AM
...you got a hard hat, boots and a high vis vest?" The Englishman proudly proclaims "I have indeed". "Good stuff" replies the foreman, "give them to your granda and tell him to be at my house at 7 tomorrow morning!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 09:55:49 AM
What do you call a Derryman with two All Ireland Medals? A great dancer
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 09:58:04 AM
Did you hear about the man who arrived at his first Premature Ejaculators Support group meeting? He came early
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 10:03:07 AM
Two ducks are walking through Ballymena. One says "quack quack", the other says......"I'm goin as quack as ah can". Apologies for all the above jokes. Except for the Derry one. :-P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2010, 10:08:42 AM
I don't know who's joke's are worst...Nally's or Ziggy's...

Ziggy that was brutal saan, stick to the complaining thread ;) :D

Nally...must do better
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 10:13:08 AM
I'm writing from a phone here so restricted in what i can write in a short post. Will try harder. Promise sir.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ha ha derry on February 19, 2010, 10:16:25 AM
Based on statistics -  the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style!





The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead. :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 10:27:28 AM
Two Pakistanis arrive in Ireland, and before going their seperate ways, agree to meet up one year from now to see who's become most Irish. One goes to Cork, the other to Dublin. A year passes and they meet up and see who's become the most Irish. The fella who stayed in Cork proudly says to the friend who settled in Dublin, "Well i'm playing football for Nemo, i've a trial with the county hurlers next week, I drink Guinness and Powers, am fluent in Irish and can play the tin whistle. What about...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 10:28:59 AM
you?" To which the Dublin based friend replies, "Fcuk off ya paki b**tard!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 19, 2010, 10:31:00 AM
Quote from: ha ha derry on February 19, 2010, 10:16:25 AM
Based on statistics -  the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style!





The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead. :'(

Not a joke - I saw the van of a pet grooming company in Dublin the other day. The name on the van? Doggy Style.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 19, 2010, 10:36:48 AM
Speaking of vans I always thought this was a good one....

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:K7bI6ZO1jML9KM:http://www.cuppatea.org/imageGEJ.JPG)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2010, 12:23:44 PM
We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:
 
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from  Chicago  last night.

LAST ONE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2010, 12:25:05 PM
According to a news
report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a
unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would
remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had
been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikasas on February 19, 2010, 12:31:14 PM
Quote from: Nally Stand on February 19, 2010, 09:55:49 AM
What do you call a Derryman with two All Ireland Medals? A great dancer
Henry Downey?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 19, 2010, 01:44:14 PM
Old MacDonald was dyslexic
IOEOI
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2010, 04:58:34 PM
 A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to  his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play football!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 19, 2010, 05:22:52 PM
How do you get a cat to go "woof"?

Petrol, match.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 22, 2010, 06:28:08 PM
(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/sex.jpg)

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/problem.jpg)

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/kbeer0001.jpg)

(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/comic-party.gif)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 02:21:14 PM
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.  Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 02:22:34 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.   The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 02:26:21 PM
Scouts Camping Trip
>
> Dear Mum,
>
> Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
> flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our
tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
>
> Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
> write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search
and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
> telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
>
> The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
>
>  Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
>
> We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
> wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay
when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
>
> We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
> it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets
pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
> fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads
where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
>
> This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
> out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I
can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
> get mad about us not using the life jackets. He has to spend a
lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
>
> Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
> dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how
a tourniquet works.
>
> Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just
> food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got
sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

> I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
> some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are
fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
>   
>   
>   

>
>
>


Kevin
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 25, 2010, 02:41:21 PM
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,
It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 25, 2010, 02:46:43 PM
Cool things about being a man & 10 things men know about
women!


Cool things about being a man ..

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on February 25, 2010, 02:51:29 PM
20 Ways to maintain a healthy level of Insanity! -


> >>
> >>1. At Lunch
> >>Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer
> >>At Passing Cars -  See If They Slow Down.
> >>
> >>2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
> >>
> >>3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries
> >>with that.
> >>
> >>4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
> >>
> >>5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has
Gotten
> >>Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
> >>
> >>6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
> >>
> >>7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
> >>
> >>8.Don't use any punctuation
> >>
> >>9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk
> >>
> >>10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
> >>
> >>11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
> >>
> >>12. Sing Along At The Opera.
> >>
> >>13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
> >>
> >>14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds
> >>All Day.
> >>
> >>15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their
>Party
> >>Because You're Not In The Mood.
> >>
> >>16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
> >>Bottom.
> >>
> >>17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> >>
> >>18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
>Yelling
> >>"Run For Your Lives, They're  loose!!"
> >>
> >>19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going
>To
> >>Have To Let One Of You Go."
> >>
> >>20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity..... Send
>This
> >>E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
> >>
> >>Its Called therapy
> >>
> >>
> >>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 09:42:29 PM
A man rings his boss and says "I wont be at work today, i've got anal blindness."
Boss says "What the fcuk's that?"
Guy says "i can't see my arse getting out of bed today"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 25, 2010, 09:44:51 PM
A man rings his boss and says "I wont be at work today, i'm sick."
Boss says "How sick are you?"
Guy says "Very. I'm in bed with my sister"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 09:52:04 PM
Two Celtic fans in pub playing darts. 1st dart thrown treble 20, 2nd dart single 20, 3rd dart hits the wire, bounces out and sticks in a Rangers fans skull killing him instantly. A Celtic fan sitting nearby starts to laugh hysterically.

Whats funny about that asks another man? Well, he says, thats the best score you can get in darts, 1 hun dead and 80
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 09:55:13 PM
I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point. The question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"...Apparently it's Africa!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 25, 2010, 10:43:02 PM
Quote from: illdecide on February 25, 2010, 09:55:13 PM
I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point. The question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"...Apparently it's Africa!

lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on February 26, 2010, 01:35:43 PM
Brian Cowen meets with the Queen of England and asks her, how come she has such an efficient Parliament?

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Cowen frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button. "Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?"

Brown walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Gordon. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Brown answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Cowen returns to Dublin and asks Martin Cullen, the same question.
"Martin. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cullen "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the toilet and recognises William O Dea's shoes in the next cubicle.

Cullen asks, "William! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Minister O Dea yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cullen smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Cowen.

"Howya, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's former Minister O' Dea."

Cowen gets up, stomps over to Cullen, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 26, 2010, 02:10:41 PM
The Queen of England visits a scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots Soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his Bum. The Queen turns to him and says
"And What are you in for???"
"Ma'am I've Got a terrible bout of Dysentry"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day"he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Bum

So Then SHe Moves Onto the second Patient Of Th Three And Asks:-
"And What are you in for???"
"Ma'am Iv'e Got a terrible strain of genital Herpes"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day" he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Chest
She Moves Onto the Last Patient and asks
"What are you in for???"
The soldier replies in a croaky voice
"tonsilitis"
"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Ohhhh Is'nt that awfully painful"She Asks
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country"He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life"she asks
"yes" The Man Replies "To get the Wire brush and dettol before those two dirty Ba***rds!!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 26, 2010, 02:14:31 PM
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Kerry farmer.

"So, Kerry farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Kerry farmer. Then he meets a Mayo Farmer.

"So, Mayo farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Kerry too." And he leaves the Mayo farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from Derry.
"So, Derry farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer? "And miss out on all the kissing?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 26, 2010, 02:38:44 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 26, 2010, 03:09:04 PM
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on February 26, 2010, 03:31:45 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on February 26, 2010, 02:38:44 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

5 Sams . I think you'll find your a day late!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 26, 2010, 03:46:26 PM
I was thinking that Gerry but I couldnt be arsed trawling through to see if it was posted...still mildly amusing though. ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on February 26, 2010, 04:05:08 PM
Wayne Rooney told  Colleen that John Terry had shagged every England players wife apart from one. Colleen said yeah, I bet its Posh Spice, the stuck up cow!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 26, 2010, 05:24:26 PM
Two history professors in a nudist colony:

Prof. 1 - "Have you read Marx?"
Prof. 2 - "Yes -  I think it's these wicker chairs".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on February 26, 2010, 06:02:32 PM


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on February 26, 2010, 10:46:13 PM
Jeremy Beadle had a small dick. On the other hand it was quite big.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 01, 2010, 04:12:15 PM
The old ones are the best...

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened when she brings it. 
-------------------------------------------- ---------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. 
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.   
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on March 01, 2010, 04:42:07 PM
I was in the pub the other day when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on March 01, 2010, 04:44:57 PM

The female demerit system...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed (+1)
* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)  In the rain (+8)
* But return with Beer (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
* You stay by her side the entire party (0)
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
* Named Tina (-10)
* Tina is a dancer (-20)
* Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner (+2)
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*  Okay,  it's a sports bar (-2)
* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
* You take her to a movie (+1)
* You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
* You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
* You take her to a movie you like (-2)
* It's  called 'Death Cop' (-3)
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
 
THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)  (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
* You hesitate in responding (-10)
* You reply, "Where?" (-35)
* Any other response (-20)
 
 COMMUNICATION
 * When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
 * You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
 * You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 01, 2010, 11:26:05 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on February 26, 2010, 03:09:04 PM
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.

What do Mexicans put underneath their carpets?

UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 02, 2010, 09:43:11 AM
What's green and has wheels?

Grass



(I lied about the wheels)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Geoff Tipps on March 02, 2010, 11:14:16 AM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Sorry don't get it. Did you leave something out, like words or the punchline bit??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 11:46:01 AM
There's nothing to get - I was told ity years ago by a Langer, who I believe believed he was making some sort of point.  Try it again with a Cork accent to get the full impact!  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 11:46:25 AM
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.



"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.


"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.


We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,


"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."


"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.


You can then leave this little village and move to   Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even   New York City !



From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"   

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.   

"And after that?"   

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"     

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

 



"After that you'll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."   

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:



Know where you're going in life....   
you may already be there 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 11:48:08 AM
Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells hi m that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5 ,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 11:49:25 AM
A group of 40-year-old buddies gather to discuss where they should all meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" restaurant because the all waitress's there have low revealing tops and great breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro"   because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they have a lengthy discussion about where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. 
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. 
After mulling it over, somebody suggests that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" restaurant and everybody agrees it would be a great idea because they've never been there before.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 11:53:01 AM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes..

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Geoff Tipps on March 02, 2010, 12:50:09 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 11:46:01 AM
There's nothing to get - I was told ity years ago by a Langer, who I believe believed he was making some sort of point.  Try it again with a Cork accent to get the full impact!  ::)

I've tried it with a Cork, Scottish, Australian and Geordie accent and it's not having any impact. My mistake, i thought this was a jokes thread!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: full back on March 02, 2010, 12:52:29 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Is the 'joke' that there are words missing?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 02:11:27 PM
BB it's pure keek saan...

It's like the joke you get the other person to start...you tell them to say "Knock knock" and then you say "who's there" and then 95% of the time there's silence because you've caught them on the hop and they don't know what to say
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 02:25:17 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 02:11:27 PM
BB it's pure keek saan...

It's like the joke you get the other person to start...you tell them to say "Knock knock" and then you say "who's there" and then 95% of the time there's silence because you've caught them on the hop and they don't know what to say

Well if you don't like it I know I must be doing something right.  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 02, 2010, 03:04:18 PM
Ya must be...what a guy ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: omagh_gael on March 02, 2010, 05:22:36 PM
Why are Monaghan and a pregnant cow alike?

They're both near Cavan

I'm off... :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 02, 2010, 07:36:11 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.


Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on March 02, 2010, 07:52:00 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 02, 2010, 07:36:11 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.


Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.

Jees! my old man used to tell us that one.... and

If it takes a man and a half a day and  a half to dig a hole and  a half,
how many apples are in a barrel of grapes?

 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 03, 2010, 09:28:49 AM
Q. Where is a pig between it?

A. Because the bigger the seldom.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:20:49 PM
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concern s, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:31:28 PM
IRISH TRAIN

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am
tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I  think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in  your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the  ones
who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and
the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:35:35 PM
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged €5.99 for the first ten words and €1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE BISCUIT:

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:46:48 PM
>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
>- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>_______________ _______________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>
>______________ __________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>(Long pause...)
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>AT TORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>______________________________________
>And the best for last:
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:49:16 PM

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:51:12 PM
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on
>>> >crutches,with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.Matthew Kelly
>>> >introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,'
>>> >says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?
>>> >
>>> >'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle
>>> >when we had a really bad accident.Unfortunately my uncle was killed
>>> >outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before
>>> >I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours
>>>
>>> >but they couldn't save my legs.'
>>> >
>>> >'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they
>>> >artificial?'asks Matthew.'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the
>>> >doctors informed me that my Uncle had in fact died, but that his legs
>>> >were fine and with all the Advances in medical science, they could
>>> >graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the
>>> >operation was successful
>>> >
>>> >I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking
>>> >fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts
>>> >from the audience
>>> >
>>> >Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are
>>>
>>> >you going to be?'
>>> >
>>> >Scroll down...
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >Keep going this is great....
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >It's worth it honest.....
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
>>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 04, 2010, 04:46:10 PM
TEQUILA, PIT BULL, AND OLD LADY...
________________________________________




 
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10  bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in  it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money  in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you  get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new  Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the  jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 
First -  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,  and you can't make a face while doing it."


"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare  hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be  nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other  things!"
"Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn  tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in  58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad  tooth?"







Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on March 04, 2010, 06:19:11 PM
Quote from: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:49:16 PM

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Why were using Candadian dollars in Michigan?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 05, 2010, 12:42:57 AM
Quote from: gallsman on March 04, 2010, 06:19:11 PM
Quote from: Celt_Man on March 04, 2010, 03:49:16 PM

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Why were using Candadian dollars in Michigan?

Because he made a short trip over the border and has some change left....  ::) ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Blegard on March 05, 2010, 06:12:17 AM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on March 02, 2010, 07:52:00 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 02, 2010, 07:36:11 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 02, 2010, 10:08:48 AM
Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.



Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.

Jees! my old man used to tell us that one.... and

If it takes a man and a half a day and  a half to dig a hole and  a half,
how many apples are in a barrel of grapes?


there are two parrots standing on a perch> One turns to the other ans says "can you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Zapatista on March 05, 2010, 08:56:00 AM
Quote from: The Blegard on March 05, 2010, 06:12:17 AM
there are two parrots standing on a perch> One turns to the other ans says "can you smell fish?"

Loved that joke :D

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2010, 09:32:36 AM
Not one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently



AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown  Savannah   night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of                                   what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 05, 2010, 09:41:31 AM
QuoteNot one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2010, 09:50:26 AM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 05, 2010, 09:41:31 AM
QuoteNot one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?

The odd one billy saan ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 05, 2010, 09:52:37 AM
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

       In  Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days...  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

       The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

       The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".

       The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

       The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

       The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned." You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 05, 2010, 09:54:51 AM
Quote from: illdecide on March 05, 2010, 09:50:26 AM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 05, 2010, 09:41:31 AM
QuoteNot one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?

The odd one billy saan ;)

Really?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on March 05, 2010, 01:55:28 PM
The old ones are the best (and better that illdecide's old ones too)

Phone answering machine message
>
>           "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
>           shorts.
>           The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>           couldn't find any.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
>           he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>           And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
>           strong currant.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>           shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>           The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
>           the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
>           your kayak and heat it too.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>           covered with hundreds and thousands.
>           Police say that he topped himself.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>           Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>            "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
>            "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>            "Is it common? "
>            "It's not unusual."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>           "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>            "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>           So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
>           teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>           "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>           "No, because he's really heavy"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Guy goes into the doctor's.
>           "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
>           "How's that?"
>           "Don't you start."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>           A fsh.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>           people in my family, so there must be one of them. It's could be
> my
>           mum or my dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger
>           brother Ho-Chi-Chung. I'm not sure, but I think it might be
> Deane...
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
>           you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
>           your oyster, go for it.'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           >
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>           acid, the other was eating fireworks.
>           They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>           today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
>           It said, 'Parking Fine.'........So that was nice."
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm inseveral places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a mall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.........
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 11:45:45 AM
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

   Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


   It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


   Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restauran's owner hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


   As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed..


   I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


   Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


   'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom .


   By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


   I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


   'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 12:14:29 PM
S'no joke...


A few weeks ago a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio
during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to
10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side
of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.  The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.  Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,  "Why don't you just leave
the bloody car in the garage this time."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 08, 2010, 12:55:13 PM
Man arrives into work with bandages over both ears.

Boss asks what happened.

Man says that he was ironing when the phone rang, and he burnt his left ear trying to answer it.

"But what about the other ear" asks the boss.

The man replies "Well I tried to phone the doctor"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:10:27 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to  1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"


The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket..
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"


"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:43:05 PM
JUST  WAIT....CLEVER!!!



HEMA is a Dutch department store.
The first store opened on November 4 1926, in Amsterdam .
Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .

Take a look at HEMA's product page.
You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what happens.

This company has a sense of humour and a great computer programmer.




Click here <http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/)>
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:44:08 PM
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
> [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
>
>
> Try this out:
>
> On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
> and go to the thermometer section and
> purchase a rectal thermometer made
> by Johnson & Johnson.
>
> Be very sure you get this brand.
> When you get home, lock your doors,
> draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
> so you will not be disturbed.
>
> Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
> Open the package and remove the thermometer.
> Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
>
> Now the fun part begins.
>
> Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
> You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
>
>
>
> "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
>
> Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
> Johnson & Johnson.'
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:45:55 PM
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3rd.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:48:34 PM
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?


"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 08, 2010, 02:52:44 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 02:48:34 PM
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?


"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

Brilliant!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 03:15:11 PM
In case you didn't know...

Women are Angels


(http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii102/rebelgirl1960/Angels/_angels_.jpg)

And when someone breaks our wings....
we simple continue to fly....

on a broomstick....

(http://www.teach-nology.com/worksheets/misc/halloween/color/witch.gif)

After all we are flexible....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 03:26:19 PM
An elderley` man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.



A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"



The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"



She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.



He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,?Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.



"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.



The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the ?250 membership fee."



"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."



The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 03:34:35 PM
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 08, 2010, 03:35:20 PM
A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie

"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "

Dog: "Doin' all right. "

Aussi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "

Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "

Horse: "Cool"

Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Aussi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "

Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 09:27:11 AM
Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President of the USA.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt in the rain.

You can wear NO shirt in the rain.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too filthy.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress ?5000. Tuxedo rental ?75.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is ?3.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have bra strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

AND

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on March 09, 2010, 10:06:16 AM
http://uncyclopedia.wiki.com/wiki/Lurgan (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Lurgan)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 10:18:39 AM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on March 09, 2010, 10:06:16 AM
http://uncyclopedia.wiki.com/wiki/Lurgan (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Lurgan)

Very good Harold :D :D :D, even mentions Cafolla's ice-cream (although they couldn't spell it right) :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 11:17:38 AM
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad
is reading the paper.



"Where does poo come from?" she asks.



The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well
you know we just ate breakfast?"



"Yes," answers the girl.



"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms
when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."



The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence
for a few seconds and asks:



"And Tigger?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 11:56:23 AM
For Mr FOX

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on March 09, 2010, 12:10:36 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 11:56:23 AM
For Mr FOX

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list


You seem to have a bit of a fixation with me... send a PM and maybe we can meet... just as friends tho
I ain't over 50 but try pasting an over 40 thread and you'll be near enough. See you soon....  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:17:40 PM
Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on March 09, 2010, 12:20:12 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:17:40 PM
Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal ;)

Do you like older men, Saan?  :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:30:01 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on March 09, 2010, 12:20:12 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:17:40 PM
Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal ;)

Do you like older men, Saan?  :o

nope...don't even like my Da
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on March 09, 2010, 12:39:02 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:30:01 PM
Quote from: longrunsthefox on March 09, 2010, 12:20:12 PM
Quote from: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 12:17:40 PM
Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal ;)

Do you like older men, Saan?  :o

nope...don't even like my Da

Penalty kick that one  :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 09, 2010, 02:22:07 PM
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.

He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 10, 2010, 09:50:17 AM
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f *ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 10, 2010, 09:51:44 PM
Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2010, 09:44:32 AM
Quote from: Orior on March 10, 2010, 09:51:44 PM
Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

guess
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 11, 2010, 10:18:51 AM
Quote from: Orior on March 10, 2010, 09:51:44 PM
Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

Maybe it was berried.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on March 11, 2010, 10:38:18 AM
Quote from: Hardy on March 11, 2010, 10:18:51 AM
Quote from: Orior on March 10, 2010, 09:51:44 PM
Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

Maybe it was berried.

Have we a return to a former self Hardy?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 11, 2010, 01:49:18 PM
I didn't know I'd been away!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 11, 2010, 11:40:29 PM
Love Poem Generator LOVEMAKER V3.1

Welcome to the LoveMaker.  (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (C) 1993)

At the prompt, please enter your response.

I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance program.  What is your name?

>JOHN

What a nice name, JOHN.  You must be a man.

>YES

How nice for you.  Who is your poem for, JOHN?

>SHEILA

How nice for SHEILA.  She must be a woman?

>YES
 
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  Is she?

>YES

What is the occasion, JOHN?

>VALENTINE'S DAY
 
SHEILA is a very lucky woman.  I will need information about SHEILA for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN.  What colour are her eyes?

>BLUE

Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Are they blue like the sky after a clearing storm?  Are they the icy blue of the far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery?  Are they the steely blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks?  Are they a cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?

>THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY

Thank you, JOHN.  What about SHEILA'S hair?

>BLONDE
 
Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it ash blond with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel?  When the sun hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold?  Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?

>I THINK SHE DYES IT
 
Thank you, JOHN.  Are there any other characteristics we should mention in our poem to SHEILA?

 


JOHN, are you still there?

>SKIN

Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it fine and alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by master craftsmen?  Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

>SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK

SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  You must have deep feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.

>YES
 
How nice for you, JOHN.  What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would like?

>?

My MENU offers the following styles.  At the prompt, please choose ONE:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral |  Sonnet  |  Elegy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Epic      | Ballad  |  Lyric      |   Ode   |  Idyll      |  Haiku     |   ? ? ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>?
 
That's O.K., JOHN.  How do you see yourself?  Please choose ONE:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laureate   |   Bard     |  Sonneteer   |  Troubadour  | Meistersinger
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jongleur   |  Versifier  |  Rhapsodist   |   Lyricist        |    Other
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>OTHER

Can you be more specific?

>I GUESS...

Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?

>
>
>
>

JOHN?

>I'M THINKING
 
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?

>SURE

Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN.  A man who lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite.  A man who grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own.  A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it.  A man ith a reckless bent and the courage of fire.  A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him.  A man of power and means of influence, JOHN.  A man destined to be the envy of other men.  A man whom few can ever understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...

     Would that Alexander in his age
     had but half the measure
     of his strong stout heart
     or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true,
     pooled with azure purpose.
     No earthbound mortal he,
     but master o'er each and all...

Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?

>YES
 
I thought so.  I'll use my random SEARCH MODE to choose an appropriate style for you, JOHN.  One that truly expresses your deep feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.  Please wait.  To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.

>Alt+P
 
 

        Dear SHEILA,

        Roses are red
        Violets are blue
        Your hair is blonde
        and your eyes are gray (when angry)

                        JOHN

 
Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 12, 2010, 09:29:27 AM
Orior...what a guy :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 12, 2010, 04:25:05 PM
Definition of a GAA nancy boy/poser...

1. White Boots
2. More 'Skins' on show than actual skin!
3. Wearing a hair-band
4. Try to flick up the ball instead of just bending their fecking back
5. Have one ear pierced
6. Even worse, have both ears pierced
7. Make a 'aaaaaaaahhhh' nice (like a women tennis player) after taking a good manly hit
8. Try to kick every pass off the outside of their boot. Feck sake boys, will ya use the laces
9. Wear standard socks over their football socks. Who the feck thought that was cool?
10. Can't play because they have a sprained finger..(sure have you not got nine others?)
11.Sleeves taped. If you were actually hard you would't need tape to show off your guns!
12. Bollixes that celebrate every point as if they just wont the All-Ireland
13. They go down holding their face...If your hurt that much, hit him back
14. Lift up their jersey to reveal a written message on a white T- Shirt. (if you do that, you are a bellend)
15. If you try to use your reputation as a footballer to chat up women in Copper's. f**k sake, come up with some real charm!
16. Wear A+F hoodies to games even though they got given a free tracksuit
17. Drink bottles instead of pints!
18. Spend more time talking about top-scorer awards, and how many scores they got even though the team lost
19. Will score 1-10 in 20 minutes when your on top but when the pressure is on and your down by two points, they are not to be seen
20. Have hair-gel in their bag for after training...Gay!
21. Shout, "Did you see that umpire" - obviously he didn't he's 80 and from the other team.Toughen up
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on March 12, 2010, 06:19:04 PM
Celt, are you using Oriors joke generating machine?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on March 12, 2010, 11:59:54 PM
Quote from: haranguerer on March 12, 2010, 06:19:04 PM
Celt, are you using Oriors joke generating machine?
Na not so much as a joke but more like a true look at things... Most boys will be able to relate to those things with a few GAA spice boys...  Maybe not the best thread for it but sure where else? Not gonna start a new one
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on March 14, 2010, 08:33:41 PM
A leading feminest was in Yemen last year and was outraged to find that women had to walk five paces behind their husbands.

She was over again last week and found men now had to walk five paces behind their wives.

What changed she asked?

Landmines she was told.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 15, 2010, 04:20:51 PM
> BIRTHDAY REMINDER
>
>
>
> This week we celebrate a special birthday.
>
>
> Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
>
> Can you believe it?
>
>
> It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
>
>
>
> They grow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 16, 2010, 09:58:46 AM
   > The Dark
   > Side Of Women!
   >
   >
   > A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day
   > finding the most perfect
   > shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
   > the second. In the
   > third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
   > when her mobile phone
   > rang.
   >
   >
   >
   > It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had
   > just been in a
   > terrible car accident and was in critical condition and
   > in the ICU.
   >
   >
   >
   > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she
   > was and that she'd
   > be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised
   > she was leaving
   > what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
   > boutiques. She
   > decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
   > to the hospital.
   >
   >
   >
   >
   > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing
   > her trip with a cup
   > of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice,
   > compliments of the last shop.
   > She was jubilant.
   >
   >
   >
   > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
   > she dashed to the hospital.
   >
   >
   >
   > She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
   > husband's condition.
   > The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
   > went ahead and finished
   > your shopping trip didn't you! I hope
   > you're proud of yourself!
   > While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
   > yourself in town,
   > your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care
   > Unit! It's
   > just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will
   > more than likely be
   > the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest
   > of his life he will
   > require round-the-clock care. And he will now be
   > your career!'
   >
   >
   >
   > The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
   > sobbed.
   > Scroll down
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   >
   > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just
   > pulling your leg. He's
   > dead. Show me what you bought.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 16, 2010, 11:24:07 AM
Dear girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more!  The man fights back!  Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... long live the man of the new millennium. Listen up ladies; this is how it really is...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

4. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... Again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'no' and 'mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

21. If something we said could be intended two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.

24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "no, couldn't / shouldn't / don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well

28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category "garnish".

29. Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

30. Crying is emotional blackmail.

31. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

32. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

33. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

34. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.

36. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

37. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

38. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

39. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, Zen and the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of drinking real ale.

40. You have enough clothes, and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right. Too many shoes!!

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The ball's in your court.

Sincerely,
The Lads

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 16, 2010, 11:46:23 AM
Got that one b4 Orior...but i like it ;) a lot :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 16, 2010, 12:08:31 PM
This one has been around before as well, but worth a repeat...


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if ah'm no bein too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 16, 2010, 10:14:11 PM
HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words - in case you forgot).


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 17, 2010, 05:40:07 PM
I'm just back from hospital after having a large mole removed from my penis  :(








I wont be shagging one of those again!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on March 17, 2010, 09:32:32 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 17, 2010, 05:40:07 PM
I'm just back from hospital after having a large mole removed from my penis  :(

Did they have to dig deep?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:35:09 AM
An older couple at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.

He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he said, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"

"How and why," asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans shown in the painting at all.

They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:36:47 AM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:43:54 AM
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:44:33 AM
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:45:57 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, one
night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth

as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from

being respected at work and in the community, and

from reaching our full potential as a person. Because

you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in

the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:47:39 AM
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited
she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.


After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.*The
boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.


"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."


So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.*He drinks the shot of
Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks...this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.


This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.


When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"


She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 19, 2010, 09:52:16 AM
Yes, those are all corny ones for Friday.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:52:26 AM
    My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping
channels..
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
     while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And then the fight started......
    ******************************************
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible,"
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    ******************************************
    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"
    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are
you?"
    And then the fight started.....
    *****************************************
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started ...
    ******************************************
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
some place expensive...
    so, I took her to a Gas station.
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security
application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
    She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too."
    And then the fight started....
    ******************************************
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
    "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    Nah, she can order for herself."
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
    My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:53:31 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I am celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs "

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c**k," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:55:48 AM

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.   

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust  "I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said


"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
 
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"




------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pre tend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts


"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   


Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"   

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you ?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q.  What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He sa id in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 09:57:40 AM
The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 10:17:15 AM
Sean The Selick Man
 
                                   
A rich man from Glasgow decided to have a party and invited all his Rangers buddies.

He also invited Sean, his gardener and the only Celtic fan in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and bbq and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million pounds to anyone who has the balls to jump in",

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Sean in the pool fighting the Croc and kicking it's ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywere.

Both Sean and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Sean strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Sean then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everyone just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well Sean, I reckon I owe you a million pounds" " Nah; you all right boss, I dont want it," said Sean.

The rich man said " I have to give you something, how about a half million pounds then".

"No thanks I don't want it" answered Sean.

The host continued " I insist on giving you something, that was amazing what you done. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex".

Again Sean said no.

Confused the rich man asked, " There must be something you want? what can I give you?."

'5 Minutes with the Orange B ## t ## d who pushed me in the f # ck # n' pool!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 19, 2010, 04:18:17 PM
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on March 22, 2010, 12:20:33 PM
 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.
   
   One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   




  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.   




   He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'   


  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'


  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


  Some old men can still think fast
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 22, 2010, 02:26:43 PM
 A Teacher gave her class some lifesaver lessons:

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:SEkG8meB27LziM:http://uptill1.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/lifesavers3.jpg)
 
 
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on March 22, 2010, 04:16:20 PM
Another couple of classics from overheardindublin.com

Overheard in Moore street, dub street vendor: (about 70 yrs old she was,)
"luvly Clitris Oranges".....6 for a euro!!!......

Overheard by buckie baldoyler, Moore St


Sitting on a bus before christmas and there were two fellas sitting behind me, conversation went like this....

"What you getting your bird for christmas"

"I'm sending her to Turkey to get her tits done"

"Oh is it cheaper over there"

"Yeah mad cheap, Me sister and me Ma got them done there. They feel real and everything!"


Overheard by Anonymous, bus from clondalkin to town
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyroneman on March 22, 2010, 06:50:49 PM
Jonathan Ross has been banned from going to England Rugby matches due to playing annoying practical jokes on fellow supporters. 

In his defence he admitted I just can't help it I love twickenham.

Earlier that week he was banned from Ikea for stealing cooking utensils.

He wasn't too disapointed saying it was well worth the whisk.

I'll get me coat..;...........
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 10:06:09 AM


A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 11:51:33 AM
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He ran further along the path, then looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped...............The bear froze..................The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'  'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? 
Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:


'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 12:19:55 PM
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.  His copilot is Chinese.  It's the first time they've flown
together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike ...


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese . '

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces .

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic .'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg . . .. no mattah . . all same ...'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 02:22:46 PM
I've heard this one before but here goes anyway...

> FIRST
> TIME SEX
> ..........
>
>
>
> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
> a dinner with her parents.
>
>
> Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
> that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
> first time.
>
> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
> trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
> it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
> hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
> sex.
>
>
> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
> like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
> The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
> busy, it being his first time and all.
>
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
> girlfriend at the door.
>
> "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
>
> The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
> parents are seated.
> The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
> passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
>
>
> 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>
> Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
> over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
> religious.'
>
>
> The boy turns, and whispers back,
>
> 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 03:03:10 PM
A man bumps into his ex wife's new husband and asks "how's the 2nd hand fanny"? the new husband replies "it's great thanks, after the 1st 3 inches it's like brand new"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 25, 2010, 05:29:00 PM
> > The first man married a woman from ENGLAND . He told her that she was to do
>   the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
>   day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
>
>  The second man married a woman from GERMANY . He gave his wife orders that
>   she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
>   didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
>   day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
>   dinner on the table.
>
>  The third man married a girl from DONEGAL. He ordered her to keep the
>   house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
>   the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
>  anything,
>   the second day he didn't see anything but, by the third day, some of the
>   swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
>   his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
>   dishwasher. He still has some difficulty peeing.

Get well soon

Love Marian
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2010, 10:30:52 AM
Message from the Orange Order..."Would secret agent Mowbray please return to base, mission complete!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2010, 11:32:01 AM
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, But you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have other uses than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2010, 12:41:39 PM

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas  leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon  in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied  his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the  dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped  out of the saloon  with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey  old man, have you ever danced?" 
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and  said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to  be tied. 
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still  laughing, 
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun,
and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert  air.  The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard  the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost  deafening. 
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the  old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in
the old man's hands, as  he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've  always wanted to." 

PS:There are a few lessons for us all here:
•   Never be arrogant. 
•   Don't waste munitions.
•   Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 
•   Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
•   Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. 

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 26, 2010, 03:32:43 PM
This is something to think seriously about.
 
Will I live to see 80? 

I just turned 60 and recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and 
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.   

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll 
live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine,  or indulge in chocolate 
or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much...my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 

He looked at me and  asked...'Then, why do you even give a shit? 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 27, 2010, 08:52:30 PM
Quotes:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)   

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible -
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.. Visit people only once a year. -
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  -
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  -
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. -
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -
Billy Crystal

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longrunsthefox on March 29, 2010, 02:51:23 PM
Paddy Murphy, the great Irish boxing champion, was having a full medical after his latest title defence. 'Paddy' says the doctor, 'You've got sugar diabetes.'
'That's great!' says Paddy, 'When do I fight the black b*****d?!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 29, 2010, 04:44:04 PM
Later that week....

Low brow boxer with knuckles dragging on the floor "Hey boss, when do I get to fight Spud 'The Rock' Murphy?"

Boss "How many times I gotta tell ya, you are Spud 'The Rock' Murphy"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 29, 2010, 04:59:23 PM
(This one  is true) Two-Ton Tony Galento was asked what he thought of Shakespeare: "I'll moider da bum".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 01, 2010, 11:54:17 AM
The Pope has just announced that Tony Mowbray is to be made a Cardinal. He said "anybody who can get away with abusing that many Catholic's for so long & still get paid for it deserves more than just a priesthood".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on April 02, 2010, 07:34:42 PM
A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'


The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 09, 2010, 09:34:04 PM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Belfast. Nothing is moving . Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Peter Robinson, Jeffery Donaldson, Sammy Wilson, young Paisley and a bunch of them DUP guys. They are asking for £10million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 12, 2010, 12:50:18 PM
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 13, 2010, 01:03:15 PM
Lady GAA GAA's night time prayer:

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 13, 2010, 01:05:33 PM
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4.Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:26:27 PM
Retirement - Glasgow style...



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into Glasgow and went  into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior  citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi shite.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for taking up two  parking places.

So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put  it on the windshield with the first.

Then we abused him even more and eventually he got on his radio and called  a truck out to tow the car away.

We looked at each other as the car was clamped and lifted on to the back of the truck.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus, and the car had a Rangers sticker on the back window.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's  important at our age.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:27:14 PM
A man  feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing  aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the  doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until  you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." 

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,  what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,  what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for  dinner?"

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey,  what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)   





"Jerry,  for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:27:50 PM
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks



Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roared.



Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells. "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"



"It was Momma Bear, who got up first."
"It was Momma Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear, who made the coffee."
"It was Momma Bear, who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was Momma Bear, who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear, who set the table."


"It was Momma Bear, who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes."
"And now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence ...



Listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time ..."
"I haven't made the f*****g porridge yet!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:28:34 PM
A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies,

"Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package."


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.

ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."


"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,

"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men."

the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,

and TWO for Sunday."



"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,

picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,


one for March.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:30:56 PM
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because
once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can
also wreak havoc if you push the wrongbuttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to
goanywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.
WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed
at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male,
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 13, 2010, 02:33:48 PM
Mixed emotions



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".  The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. 
   

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:BQHkc3WFtrgjTM:http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/54512/54512,1194343154,2/stock-photo-couple-on-couch-watching-tv-having-a-great-time-6715846.jpg)



She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."   



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 14, 2010, 12:15:12 PM
SCOTTISH ROMANTIC POEM



Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic


A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody top notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 14, 2010, 05:01:54 PM
Last time I saw that poem it was an Aussie poem!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 15, 2010, 09:39:18 AM
Quote from: Orior on April 14, 2010, 05:01:54 PM
Last time I saw that poem it was an Aussie poem!

Thats prob accurate enough saan, u know the score yourself. ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 15, 2010, 09:40:33 AM
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on
the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you
doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear
this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" He never heard the
gunshot.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 15, 2010, 10:08:23 AM

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in
the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure
and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have
to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would
not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on
going to paradise.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 15, 2010, 10:23:09 AM
> AN INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE
> PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE
> TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
>
> SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR
> YOU. WALKING IS
> ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES
> AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
>
> SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN,
> REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER ---IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO
> WALKING WITH HER."
>
> THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED
> THIS INFORMATION.
> THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
>
> "YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
>
> "I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A
> GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK"?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 15, 2010, 01:25:01 PM
ALI G TALKS TO SIR ALEX FERGUSON:

Ali: A' ight. Wicked. I is ere with none other than me main man, Sir Alex Ferguson who is dee manager of dee ManUre.
Reespec' So Sir Alex, do you shovel sh!t all day ?

Sir Alex: No I manage a football team.

Ali: And dey is ManUre, no? Is dat not what comes out of  dee horses arse?  Me hear dat in da countryside dey put ManUre on der cornflakes.  Have you heard dat?

Sir Alex: No I haven't.

Ali: So why do dey call you Sir.

Sir Alex: Because I was given a knighthood by the queen.

Ali: For real? You and dee Queen 'ad a nighthood? Reespec'. She was a fox in dem old days. But she is a bit minging now, no?

Sir Alex: I found her very charming.

Ali: A' ight, whatever. Good personality 'n'all that. But, Sir Alex, if ya don't mind me sayin', ya is a bit minging yourself. I s'pose you was well 'appy to get your end away.

Sir Alex: Well I was certainly very pleased about my knighthood.

Ali: Me mate Dave says you look like some dead copper from Glasgow. He a bit mingin' too. Not Dave..dee copper. Are you old bill?

Sir Alex: No, I've already told you, I manage a football team.

Ali: OK 'den so'ow good is dee Manchester United?

Sir Alex: Well we are champions of Europe.

Ali: Yeah, but what about America. Dey is best no? Cos dey is der best at everyfin'.

Sir Alex: I presume you mean the USA. Well, they have  improved greatly but I would still say we are some way in front of them.

Ali: So would you win dee world cup 'den?

Sir Alex: Well of course not. To compete in that we would have to be a nation, a country.

Ali: So why don't you 'ave a war and get dee independance. Den you could play. Me hear dat Manchester is a bit sh!tty anyway, and dat it is always pissin' down. I bet dee queen will let you have it for noffin', 'specially since you is banging 'er.

Sir Alex: I'm not interested in politics. I prefer to stick  to football.

Ali: Whatever. So, who is David Beckingham?

Sir Alex: David Beckham is a very talented young man.

Ali: I 'ear he is married to one of dem spicey girls. They are foxes, no? Is he married to da ginga wiv dee big tits?

Sir Alex: No he is married to Victoria. You may know her as Posh Spice.

Ali: Me 'ear she takes it up da batty?

Sir Alex: Well I think that's between David and Victoria.

Ali: Ai', for real. Me try to take me Julie up da batty but she say no and called me a dirty bastard. Me 'ear dat David and Posh have a kid, and dat 'dey called it Bronski Beat or some'fin.

Sir Alex: He is called Brooklyn, after where he was conceived.

Ali: Ai' me heard dat. It would 'ave been funny if 'dey had called 'im "Up da batty", no? 'cos den we would know dat dey is up to all dat stuff.

Sir Alex: I don't think that is very tasteful.

Ali: No it aint, dats what me Julie says. So, how old is Old Trafford?

Sir Alex: It is over a hundred years old, but is one of the most modern stadiums in the world.

Ali: Did they 'ave dinosaurs when dey built it. And giant bats?

Sir Alex: No I don't think so. Its very modern.

Ali: Does it smell of wee?

Sir Alex: No.

Ali: Me seen dat you and your team is always fighting and bein' dead angry and stuff on da pitch. Is you well 'ard?

Sir Alex: Well we play tough, but I would say we play fair.

Ali: Do you wanna go?

Sir Alex: I'm sorry?

Ali: Do you wanna go? Cos I've got me posse waiting round the back wiv bats and dat so if you reckon you is 'ard, will you take us on?

Sir Alex: We're passionate but we don't like to fight for the sake of it.

Ali: Me 'as 'eard dat you 'as got a ninja turtle in your posse.

Sir Alex: A ninja turtle?

Ali: Ai', Kung foo and dat.

Sir Alex: I presume you mean Eric Cantona. He is no longer at the club.

Ali: What? Is 'e in da nick. Me 'eard he went down for being French or somefin.

Sir Alex: Eric did community service for attacking a fan. But he was provoked.

Ali: 'Ow was 'e provoked? Did someone call his mama a bitch. I 'eard dat some one from the south west massive called my mama a slag and I'm gonna do da ninja 'ting on 'im. 'cos the police, dey don't do noffin'.

Sir Alex: In court the victim claimed that he told Eric that it would be an early bath for him. But I'm sure it was a lot ruder than that.

Ali: Ai' when me a kid me 'ated havin' dee early baff,'specially if der was somfin' good on telly. Is it true that he knobbed Leslie Ash?

Sir Alex: I wouldn't like to comment on that.

Ali: She a real fox, int she?

Sir Alex: I suppose so.

Ali: Would you like to knob 'er?

Sir Alex: I'm a married man, I wouldn't feel the need.

Ali: Ai' for real. You is knobbing the Queen anyway. Reespec. So for all you kids out der if you ming but you still want to knob the Queen, you should pay attention to this geezer..Sir Alex Ferguson. 'E may look like dee bulldogs arse but 'e is well in der. Big Up Sir Alex.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on April 16, 2010, 02:36:28 PM
Man walks into a fish and chip shop, he is carrying a fish under his arm.

He says to the man behind the counter, "do you sell fichcakes?"

The man replies, "Of course we do, we're a fish and chip shop!  Why do you ask?"

Man replies, "it's his birthday."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 16, 2010, 11:28:53 PM
Whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic Volcano?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Icelandic Volcano is still blowing Ash
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lar Naparka on April 17, 2010, 02:56:08 AM
This guy had a small business- only two employees, Liz and Jack.
Times were hard and he knew he'd have to let one of them go.
Trouble was he couldn't decide which he should sack.
He spent a lot of time thinking about this and still couldn't make up his mind.
Liz walked into his office to find him sitting there with a very worried look on his face.
"What's the matter, Boss? You seem to have a problem."

"I'm afraid I have, Liz. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"You'd better jack yourself off then because I was laid last night."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 19, 2010, 10:59:26 AM
Muslim Mothers

> Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a glass of mint tea.
>
>
> The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
> photos and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He
> is 24 "
>
>
>
> "Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
>
>
> "He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
>
>
> "Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
>
>
> "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
>
>
> "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair
> when he was born."
>
>
> "He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.
>
>
> "Oh gracious me," says the other.
>
>
> "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
>
>
> "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> started school."
>
>
> "He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
>
>
> After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> wistfully at the photographs and says..........
>
>
> ..."They blow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 21, 2010, 10:44:30 AM
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man
returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news
for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little
perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror,
"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies, "Well,
it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only
choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on April 21, 2010, 11:33:56 AM
This seemed the most appropriate thread for this news: Andy Gray has written a book! About Football!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 22, 2010, 11:14:02 AM
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody
at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie ?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse ?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint ?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 22, 2010, 11:18:23 AM
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So,
how is everything going?" inquired God. "It's all so beautiful" she
replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's
these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out
and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell
Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her
limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts
might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I
gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the
Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just
fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God
thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's
see............where did I put that useless tit? Now doesn't THAT make
more sense than that stuff about the rib?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ball Hopper on April 22, 2010, 11:33:01 AM
Let's spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary,"

to which Michael replied "That's a very competitive price" and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 22, 2010, 05:13:45 PM
I know it's a bit late for Iceland volcano jokes - but I was waiting for the dust to settle:


I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a "weapon of ash eruption".

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 23, 2010, 02:53:45 PM
I was driving down the motorway with the girlfriend the other day and she pipped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country." "Why is that?" i said. "Well the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit rouy su wohs"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikasas on April 23, 2010, 03:40:26 PM
Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 27, 2010, 10:23:15 AM
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in
the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman
asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up
or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f**k or drown !'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 27, 2010, 03:36:46 PM
After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and W.A.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 27, 2010, 03:41:07 PM
Great. Negative Irish racial stereotyping "jokes" posted by Irish people on a GAA discussion board.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hedley Lamarr on April 27, 2010, 03:45:02 PM
Quote from: Hardy on April 27, 2010, 03:41:07 PM
Great. Negative Irish racial stereotyping "jokes" posted by Irish people on a GAA discussion board.

Away and ball your own dung!! :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 27, 2010, 04:17:47 PM
These wern't Irish Hardy ;)

The Hotel Bill


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk ''although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.'' Then the clerk told me that $350.00 was the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.' But we didn't use them. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' I said.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.' he said.







'That's correct, because I've charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'


'But I didn't!' exclaimed the Manager.





'Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 28, 2010, 11:44:58 AM
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No
one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did
I wake you ???? " 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now
won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without
sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about
pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't
get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of
brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember
who sent you this list
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 28, 2010, 03:44:56 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted
her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished;
naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 28, 2010, 04:03:11 PM
FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.  He had no  arms and noLegs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#*ked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he  said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide  comes in.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 28, 2010, 04:43:52 PM
A wedding was taking place in Cavan town. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

An Garda Sciochana get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 29, 2010, 10:05:49 AM
Great quotes: "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
love." Woody Allen. "The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis. "There we
were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that
guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary. "My classmates would
copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself." Emo Philips. "It's better to be black than gay because when
you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed
with me, she said "no'." Woody Allen. "We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one
hundred percent." RD Laing. "Love is the answer - but while you're
waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody
Allen. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more
interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace. "I believe that sex is a
beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have
sex quite so often." Emo Philips. "When the authorities warn you of
the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening. "Don't have sex
man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them." Steve Martin. "It's so long since I've had sex I've
forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 29, 2010, 01:39:25 PM
Quote from: illdecide on April 29, 2010, 10:05:49 AM
Great quotes: "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
love." Woody Allen. "The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis. "There we
were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that
guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary. "My classmates would
copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself." Emo Philips. "It's better to be black than gay because when
you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed
with me, she said "no'." Woody Allen. "We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one
hundred percent." RD Laing. "Love is the answer - but while you're
waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody
Allen. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more
interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace. "I believe that sex is a
beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have
sex quite so often." Emo Philips. "When the authorities warn you of
the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening. "Don't have sex
man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them." Steve Martin. "It's so long since I've had sex I've
forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.

And there was me thinking I was an intellectual :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 29, 2010, 02:22:57 PM
Well Orior i don't know what that big word means so i can't comment ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 29, 2010, 04:54:08 PM
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:vqKGDAaPG0QkdM:http://cache3.asset-cache.net/xc/55842717.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=EDF6F2F4F969CEBD319F9FA1024E2063A3CEB85DE17D8C0742CB62A649C24947E30A760B0D811297)

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'


(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:0-mjJMBtKzyanM:http://lodenjinpa.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/cheekyBoy.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 09, 2010, 07:47:30 PM
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems
he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has
ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 13, 2010, 02:47:51 PM
Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept
of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 13, 2010, 02:54:41 PM
A friend of mine recently opened a bonsai tree business in Athlone.

It is going so well, that he is planning to move into a smaller premises.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 14, 2010, 10:18:59 AM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ........
SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO
THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY !!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 14, 2010, 11:22:51 AM
A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED SHE ASKED:   "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED, "MUM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID,  "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED, "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL  WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 17, 2010, 09:59:08 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending a field hospital.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
British generosity.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on May 19, 2010, 12:05:25 AM
Subject: New Element Discovered



Scientists at Belfast Metropolitan College
have discovered a brand new element. The new element, Stormontium
(symbol=Sm), has 2 neutrons, 10 assistant neutrons, and 96 deputy
neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 108.

These 108 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
pillocks. Since Stormontium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.

A tiny amount of Stormontium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Stormontium has a normal half-life of 2 to 5 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Stormontium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Stormontium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical
morass. When catalysed with money, Stormontium bonds with
Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much
energy as Stormontium, since it has twenty times the number of pillocks
but half as many morons. Administrative pillocks are characterised by
an aversion to using up energy. In fact the more pillocks there are in
Administratium the less energy they use
 
The scientists concluded that in its present form there were very few
practical uses for Stormontium.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on May 26, 2010, 08:30:47 AM
Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hedley Lamarr on May 26, 2010, 09:06:18 AM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on May 26, 2010, 08:30:47 AM
Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

:D :D :D :D Excellent
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 26, 2010, 12:16:50 PM
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?
     
    My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
    David Beckham
   
    "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the  league."
    Mark Viduka
   
    "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had."
    David Beckham
   
    "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
    Neville Southall
   
    "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault,but 7 of which were disputable."
    Paul Gascoigne
   
    "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
    Alan Shearer
   
    "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
    Mark Draper
   
    "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup, until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
    Peter Shilton
   
    "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
    Stan Collymore
   
    "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
    was out there playing."
    Ade Akinbiyi
   
    "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
    Ian Wright
   
    "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
    Ugo Ehiogu
   
    " Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
    Jonathan Woodgate
   
    "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
    Stuart Pearce
   
    "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
    Lee Hendrie
   
    "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
    Ian Rush
   
    " Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
    Steve Lomas
   
    "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
    Barry Venison
   
    "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
    religion yet."
    David Beckham
   
    "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
    Phil Neville
   
    "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
    Mitchell Thomas
   
    "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
    Alan Shearer
   
    "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
    Johnny Giles
   
    "Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
    Thierry Henry
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on May 26, 2010, 04:53:06 PM

A Dublin woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by her 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on May 26, 2010, 05:27:08 PM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on May 26, 2010, 08:30:47 AM
Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

:D  brillo
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on May 27, 2010, 02:18:50 PM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
are you?'

And then the fight started...

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'

And then the fight started.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 28, 2010, 02:09:39 PM
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Renewal Weekend in Belfast, wee Joe and his wife Aggie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Joe leaned over, touched Aggie's arm gently, and whispered,

'It's Tesco's self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Joe's life of celibacy...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 30, 2010, 11:36:50 PM

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf  (http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Catch the high ball on June 04, 2010, 12:04:41 PM
Man gets home, tells wife
"Get me a beer before it starts"
he drinks it then says
"Quick get me another 1 before it starts"
again she gets it, he drinks it and says
"another before it starts
She says
"Listen here you lazy fat c***,
you walk in, sit down and start barking orders"...
He says "F*** me it's started"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on June 04, 2010, 12:10:30 PM
From the Good Cause Thread on Football Thread.

Did you hear about the Kerry Magician?


He turned his tractor into a field.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 04, 2010, 02:10:39 PM
On Radio One just now:

The war on poverty is over. The poor have surrendered.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on June 04, 2010, 02:12:37 PM
Quote from: Hardy on June 04, 2010, 02:10:39 PM
On Radio One just now:

The war on poverty is over. The poor have surrendered.

Will they be taking any prisoners?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 04, 2010, 03:30:53 PM
Dave comes from work early one day and walks into the kitchen to find his wife on her knees scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her ass stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more. He lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can. "What the f**k was that for?!" she screams at him. "That was for not turning around to see who was giving you the pounding"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cokers on June 04, 2010, 09:54:34 PM
Who's the only 12 stone man to ride a derby winner?










Lester piggots cell mate!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 09, 2010, 08:53:31 PM
Topical, and in case someone has missed it......

WORLD CUP SOCCER SQUADS - JUST ANNOUNCED

The following squads have been announced for the 2002 World Cup


BRAZILIAN SQUAD for World Cup

Goalkeeper: Pincochio
Sweeper: Libero
Defenders: Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Midfield: Cheerio Subbuteo Scenario Fellatio
Forwards: Portfolio

Substitutes: Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro, Aristotle


SERBIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Itch
Defenders: Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanditch
Midfielders: Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric
Wingers: Digaditch, Fallinaditch
Forwards: Horseraditch

Substitutes: Mowapitch, Letsgetrich, Shagabitch


SLOVAKIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Whodyanicabolicov
Wing Backs: Ticlycov, Chesticov, Nasticov
Defenders: Slalomsky, Downhilsky
Midfielders: Risky, Swedishskev, Mastershev
Forwards: Fuckov, Taykitov

Substitutes: Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky, Desert Orchid


ROMANIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Chatanoogaciouciou
Wing Backs: Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyou
Defenders: Busqueue, Snookercu
Midfielders: Pennyciou, Twoapennyciou, Fourapennyciou
Forwards: I'llgetciou, Youandwhosarmi

Substitutes: U, NonU, ManU, Stuffyiou, Lee Kwan Yu


DANISH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Toomanigoalssen
Defenders: Tryandstopussen, Crapdefenssen, Haveagossen
Midfielders: Firstsson, Secondsson, Thirdsson
Wingers: Legshurtssen, Notroubleseeingussen
Forwards: Wherestheballssen, Getthebeerssen

Substitutes: Howmanygoalsisthatssen, Finallygaveupcountinssen, Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen, YourelatedtoAlexFergusonssen


ITALIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Baloni
Defenders: Potbelli, Beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli
Midfielders: Wotsontelli, Toonsgotkenni, Onetoomani
Wingers: Legslikejelli, Havabenni
Forwards: Wobblijelli, Spendapenni

Substitutes: Cantthinkofani, Buggermi


MEXICAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: San Francisco
Defenders: Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan Andonly, Manual Gearbox
Midfielders: Don Criformi-Argentina, Bodegas, Luis Canon, Sombrero
Forwards: Chihuahua, Jose

Substitutes: Jesus Maria Don Key, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba


DUTCH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Kenning Van Hire
Defenders: Van Diemansland, Van der Valk, Van Gard, Van Erealdizeez
Midfielders: Ad Van Tagus, Van Sprokendown, Aye van Hoe
Forwards: Van Coova, Hertz Van Rental, Transit Van Dors

Substitutes: Van Iller, Van Ishincreme, Van Morrison
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Celt_Man on June 10, 2010, 02:28:30 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 09, 2010, 08:53:31 PM
Topical, and in case someone has missed it......

WORLD CUP SOCCER SQUADS - JUST ANNOUNCED

The following squads have been announced for the 2002 World Cup


BRAZILIAN SQUAD for World Cup

Goalkeeper: Pincochio
Sweeper: Libero
Defenders: Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Midfield: Cheerio Subbuteo Scenario Fellatio
Forwards: Portfolio

Substitutes: Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro, Aristotle


SERBIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Itch
Defenders: Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanditch
Midfielders: Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric
Wingers: Digaditch, Fallinaditch
Forwards: Horseraditch

Substitutes: Mowapitch, Letsgetrich, Shagabitch


SLOVAKIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Whodyanicabolicov
Wing Backs: Ticlycov, Chesticov, Nasticov
Defenders: Slalomsky, Downhilsky
Midfielders: Risky, Swedishskev, Mastershev
Forwards: Fuckov, Taykitov

Substitutes: Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky, Desert Orchid


ROMANIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Chatanoogaciouciou
Wing Backs: Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyou
Defenders: Busqueue, Snookercu
Midfielders: Pennyciou, Twoapennyciou, Fourapennyciou
Forwards: I'llgetciou, Youandwhosarmi

Substitutes: U, NonU, ManU, Stuffyiou, Lee Kwan Yu


DANISH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Toomanigoalssen
Defenders: Tryandstopussen, Crapdefenssen, Haveagossen
Midfielders: Firstsson, Secondsson, Thirdsson
Wingers: Legshurtssen, Notroubleseeingussen
Forwards: Wherestheballssen, Getthebeerssen

Substitutes: Howmanygoalsisthatssen, Finallygaveupcountinssen, Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen, YourelatedtoAlexFergusonssen


ITALIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Baloni
Defenders: Potbelli, Beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli
Midfielders: Wotsontelli, Toonsgotkenni, Onetoomani
Wingers: Legslikejelli, Havabenni
Forwards: Wobblijelli, Spendapenni

Substitutes: Cantthinkofani, Buggermi


MEXICAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: San Francisco
Defenders: Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan Andonly, Manual Gearbox
Midfielders: Don Criformi-Argentina, Bodegas, Luis Canon, Sombrero
Forwards: Chihuahua, Jose

Substitutes: Jesus Maria Don Key, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba


DUTCH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Kenning Van Hire
Defenders: Van Diemansland, Van der Valk, Van Gard, Van Erealdizeez
Midfielders: Ad Van Tagus, Van Sprokendown, Aye van Hoe
Forwards: Van Coova, Hertz Van Rental, Transit Van Dors

Substitutes: Van Iller, Van Ishincreme, Van Morrison

:D :D :D ;D ;D Hilarious
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on June 10, 2010, 02:59:23 PM
Has Feckedifiknow been dropped by Romania?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: offtheground on June 10, 2010, 03:24:02 PM
Loyalist Bear practicing for the 12th;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1UT6Zv8rFE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1UT6Zv8rFE)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 11, 2010, 10:31:30 AM
> Question: How can you tell the difference between a P.S.N.I., Australian, and an American Police Officer?
>
> SITUATION:
> "You are a cop walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
>
> What do you do?
>
> 1 P.S.N.I.OFFICER
>
> Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
>
> Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
> Does he prefer to communicate in English or Irish?
> Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
> Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
> Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
> Is the alleged 'client' a member of the Sinn Fein or an Environmental Group?
>
> Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
> Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
> Is he an undercover Sunday World reporter looking for a news breaker?
> Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
> Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
> Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
> Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.
>
> 2 AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER
>
>
>
> Answer: BANG!
>
> 3 AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER
>
> Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG! BANG! Click.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gorm agus bui on June 11, 2010, 11:23:20 AM
Quote from: Lecale2 on June 10, 2010, 02:59:23 PM
Has Feckedifiknow been dropped by Romania?
yes nd breaking news that Ivan Knackovnickinemov, part time Castrator, has been chopped of the Russian team
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: no mo do yakamo on June 11, 2010, 04:31:45 PM
Any updates on Hujanikabollikov (reportedly has 3 testicles) or Rotger Kokkov(suffering from a venereal disease)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 16, 2010, 09:55:28 AM
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 16, 2010, 12:44:50 PM
 WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:

Definitely not!
WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:

Of course I do.
WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:

Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE

Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck ....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 20, 2010, 11:02:14 PM
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on June 28, 2010, 11:24:58 AM
Older men scam

      Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have
seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about
it.

      A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Tesco's, SuperValu, Dunnes Stores, or even Lidl. This one caught me
totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever
scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.

      Here's how the scam works:

      Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car
or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible
not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

      You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

      I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

      So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

      Tesco has wallets on sale for €4.99 each. I found even cheaper
ones for €1 at the Euro shop and bought them out in three of their
stores.

      Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11
pounds just running back and forth from Tesco's, to Dunnes Stores, to
Lidl, Etc.

      So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and
warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 06, 2010, 03:29:10 PM
40 put down lines (must be something here you can use)


1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off..

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a ****ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left..

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary..

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on July 08, 2010, 04:22:46 AM
3 French felines walking over a thawing pond in winter -
une deux trois cat sank.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on July 08, 2010, 08:41:33 AM
What's  the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a  new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British  intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could  have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave   Africa with out catching anything.

I can't believe we only managed a  draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm  ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to  put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying  the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and  BP's spill? - Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you  manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got  yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort  it
out..."

The FA  have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the  dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.

The English FA have rejected a sponsorship deal from a pet food Company, they felt that having Winalot on the shirts would be taking the micky

The England team have a new coach; it is picking them up from Heathrow at 15:30

When the England team do get back the FA have set up a helpline for them on 0800 41 41 41

I see that  OXO  are bringing out a new OXO cube that will have a white wrapper with a red line running around both sides, it will be called the laughing stock

David Blaine  is miffed of because Wayne Rooney has broken his record of
sitting in a box for 44 days without doing anything

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 09, 2010, 12:46:28 PM
"Those who have ears..."

An Irish daughter had not been at home for over a year.

Upon her return, her daddy accosted her:- Where have you been all this while?

Why did you fail to write to us, not even to say hi?

Why didn't you call? Do you know what your mommy has been through?

The gal, crying, replied, : Dad, I became a prostitute!!

''You what? Get out of my house, shameless harlot! Sinner!

You are a disgrace to this Catholic Family''

OK,Dad-as you wish.

I just came back to give mom this sweet fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5m savings certificate.

For my kid brother ,this gold ROLEX watch and $20k cash.

For you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked in the front of the house, a fully paid membership to the country club plus an invitation for you all to spend New Year's eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and.......

The dad cut in: What did you say you had become?

Between sniffs, the gal trembling answered again: a prostitute,please....

Oh my God! You got me scared half to death, my little gal!!

I thought you said a PROTESTANT! Come nearer and give your daddy a hug.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 15, 2010, 03:13:20 PM
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and me agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning i was up first so i slowly pulled back the covers...and stuck my c**k in her mouth.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 15, 2010, 04:10:36 PM
The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together...

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.  After awhile, she finds herself
thinking, "Oh my God!  Maybe this guy
could be the one!"  "Maybe he could be the future father of my
children!" 
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.  He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where
they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so completely overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest, and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy smiles at her, gently strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
 
"Help yourself to any prize   from the middle shelf."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 16, 2010, 09:40:25 AM
The CCCC have reviewed the video footage of Sunday's Leinster final between Meath and Louth. Taking into account the square ball, the throw and the position of the referee they have decided to suspend Paul Galvin for another month
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 16, 2010, 09:41:15 AM
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets £80 and the girls get £20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get £80 and the house gets £20" the madam replied.
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam £100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 16, 2010, 09:48:02 AM
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 


 
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
 



 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 16, 2010, 01:30:09 PM
Quote'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

No so. Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph.

(http://vintagedriving.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/whitespit-468x351.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 20, 2010, 04:00:50 PM
The Tax Inspector

 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the Tax agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do
with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 26, 2010, 01:03:18 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then asked the Yellow Lab " why are you here ? "

The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.  But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I see."

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 29, 2010, 11:57:53 AM
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall..."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW... Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

MEN NEVER LISTEN
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 29, 2010, 12:24:29 PM
WICOE
> (Women In Charge Of Everything)
>
> Is proud to announce the opening of its
> EVENING CLASSESFOR MEN!
> OPEN TO MEN ONLY
> ALL ARE WELCOME
>
> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
>
> The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
>
> DAY ONE
>
> HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
> Step by step guide with slide presentation
>
> TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
> Roundtable discussion
>
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
> Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
>
> DISHES & SILVERWARE;
> DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
> OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
> Debate among a panel of experts.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL
> Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
>
> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
> Starting with looking in the right place
> Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
> Open forum
>
>
> DAY TWO
>
> EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
> DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
> Group discussion and role play
>
> HEALTH WATCH;
> BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
> PowerPoint presentation
>
> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
> Real life testimonial from the one man who did
>
> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
> AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
> Driving simulation
>
> LIVING WITH ADULTS;
> BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
> YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
> Online class and role playing
>
> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
>
> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
> & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
> Bring your calendar or PDA to class
>
> GETTING OVER IT;
> LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
> Individual counsellors available


> Send this on to all your girlfriends who may need a laugh and to guys who you think can handle the truth!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on July 30, 2010, 04:45:23 AM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We've all probably said at some point "I don't give a Jack Schitt" with knowing the origin of the saying. Well, you do now!!

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 30, 2010, 09:34:37 AM
(http://www.freewebs.com/nj20002/NormanSchwarzkopf.jpg)

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 30, 2010, 09:38:22 AM
(http://blog.oregonlive.com/breakingnews/2008/01/Jason%20Sery%20swearin.JPG)


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q:'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 30, 2010, 04:23:02 PM
> The Man With One Testicle
>
> There once was a man who had only one testicle
>
> and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
>
> name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
>
> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
>
> cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
>
> again I will kill them!'
>
> The word got around and nobody called
>
> him that any more.
>
> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
>
> forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
>
> jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>
> the forest where he made love to her all day and
>
> all night. He made love to her all the next day,
>
> until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>
> The word got around that Onestone meant what
>
> he promised he would do. Years went by and no
>
> one dared call him by his given name until A woman
>
> named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
>
> away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
>
> overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
>
> and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
>
> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
>
> then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
>
> night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
>
> her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Why ???
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OH, come on... take a guess !!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Think about it !!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> You're going to love this !!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Everyone knows...
>
>
>
>
> You can't kill Two Birds
>
>
>
>
> with OneStone!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 02, 2010, 11:15:37 AM
AN IRISH GHOST STORY 







This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though

it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.



~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin
University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.




John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.










Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to
it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.







Suddenly,
the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out
of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
the bar, one said to the
other....
 
 

 
Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 04, 2010, 09:33:55 PM
If you know anyone called Debra, then send them this photograph.

(http://www.ipopper.net/pics/media/debra.jpg)

I think Debra works in Field Maintenance.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on August 05, 2010, 11:44:58 AM
Quote from: illdecide link=topic=121.msg828001#msg828001 date=1280478877
The General said,
b]"I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."[/b]

Was he watching Man on Fire recently by any chance?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: maddog on August 09, 2010, 10:47:26 AM
Quote from: Orior on August 04, 2010, 09:33:55 PM
If you know anyone called Debra, then send them this photograph.

(http://www.ipopper.net/pics/media/debra.jpg)

I think Debra works in Field Maintenance.

quagga
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DoireGael on August 09, 2010, 03:04:36 PM
Funniest one av heard in a while,

said to a lad in the bar ,'any luck last night?'

reply - 'Aw aye chief, left her face like a plasters radio
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 11, 2010, 03:10:41 PM
Just bought a racehorse yesterday and i've called it "My Face". It might not be a winner but i can't wait to hear 10,000 women shouting "Come on..My face" on ladies day
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on August 13, 2010, 11:50:19 AM
Another Bush Special

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom. When he entered the toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura about the urinal.
"Just think", he said when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent.

Later, when Laura has lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at the discovery of the fact, than in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill "I found out who pissed in your saxophone"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on August 13, 2010, 03:05:03 PM
See that they've given GWB a job on the roads now:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-10936604 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-10936604)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2010, 10:06:59 PM
Two cops on patrol by a beach see a woman approaching people, mostly youths with ghetto-blasters, and she appears to be exchanging small packages for money. They suspect that she is dealing drugs, so they set up an undercover operation. The younger of the cops gets a radio and sunbathes on the beach.

The woman finally approaches him, and offers a deal. He returns to the second cop, who asks why he didn't arrest her.

And the first cop says, 'She wasn't selling drugs. She was selling batteries.'

And the second cop says, 'You mean, batteries for your radio?'

And the first cop says, 'Yes. She sells C cells on the sea shore.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2010, 10:14:51 PM
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 18, 2010, 11:31:22 PM
This is how all airplanes should be painted, and then also trains, buses and cars.

http://www.chrisrawlinson.com/2010/02/kulula-airlines-flying-101-livery/ (http://www.chrisrawlinson.com/2010/02/kulula-airlines-flying-101-livery/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on August 19, 2010, 11:00:19 AM
Quote'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

I've heard dozens of people tell this joke and have yet to hear anyone laugh at it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on August 19, 2010, 11:38:54 AM
A freind of mine who had gone travelling for the year has just been Mauled by a Coyote in Mexico. . .

Apparently running like f**k and saying "Beep Beep" doesn't work after all. . . Who knew?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lolafrola on August 19, 2010, 12:00:01 PM
Would i get a ban if i posted a joke about the recent disaster in Pakistan?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 19, 2010, 12:47:28 PM
Quote from: Mac Eoghain on August 19, 2010, 12:17:51 PM
QuoteWould i get a ban if i posted a joke about the recent disaster in Pakistan?

Of course not!

I hope it isnt a Tali-ban.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 19, 2010, 12:48:24 PM
Quote from: under the bar on August 19, 2010, 11:00:19 AM
Quote'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

I've heard dozens of people tell this joke and have yet to hear anyone laugh at it.

I never heard it before and it made me laugh ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on August 23, 2010, 02:14:37 AM
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_wKamdsDdhvg/Sgm5R_Kh0II/AAAAAAAAAJc/pKZY08gs1xo/s320/hats_phil-739754.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on August 23, 2010, 05:23:59 PM
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 23, 2010, 05:38:22 PM
I overhead two ladies talking today.

First lady said "I'm very sorry to hear that your husband passed away. What did he die from?"

Second lady "The big C"

First lady "You mean he drowned?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: duvet dave on August 23, 2010, 05:39:03 PM
I wonder where you got those from Niall?   ;D


Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."

And the worst...

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on August 23, 2010, 06:30:36 PM
I dont get the wooden spoon one?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Dougal on August 23, 2010, 07:06:53 PM
Quote from: Puckoon on August 23, 2010, 06:30:36 PM
I dont get the wooden spoon one?

good,either do i.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on August 23, 2010, 07:16:36 PM
Me 3...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AFS on August 23, 2010, 07:24:53 PM
I did a google. According to Dj_Jestar:

Quote
Pubs often use Wooden Spoons with numbers on as a table markers so the waiter/waitress knows where to take food. If you walk into a pub with a number on a spoon you might get food that someone else paid for.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on August 23, 2010, 07:31:06 PM
That was one of the best ones but these three are in the worst?

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."


Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."


Thats stupid.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 24, 2010, 10:08:35 PM
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
1. You can buy a silencer for a Rifle
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on August 26, 2010, 08:18:02 PM
Dunno what the fuss is....Top Cat lived in a bin for years :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: glens73 on August 28, 2010, 03:46:45 PM
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the f**king bed!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Minder on September 17, 2010, 05:49:09 PM
Why did Adobe Acrobat have to go to jail?

Because he was a PDF File.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: duvet dave on September 17, 2010, 09:52:04 PM
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 24, 2010, 12:19:44 PM
Dreamt last night that I was in the living room and Death appeared and we started fighting.

The only handy weapon i could find was a vacuum cleaner.

Yes, I was Dyson with Death.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on September 24, 2010, 11:23:23 PM
Who is the coolest guy in a hospital?
The Ultra-Sound Guy

And if he is off sick? Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The Hip Replacement Guy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on September 29, 2010, 03:16:39 AM


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 29, 2010, 09:34:55 AM
Would acupuncture be a good cure for pins & needles?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on October 04, 2010, 07:11:48 PM
Important Health Notice For Women

> Do you have feelings of  inadequacy?
> Do you suffer from  shyness?
> Do you sometimes wish you were more  assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions,  ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet  Sauvignon.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to  feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It  can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world  that you're ready and willing to do just about  anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Cabernet  Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses,  you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life  you want to live.  Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of  the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you  had.
>
> Stop hiding and start  living.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women  who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try  it.
>
> Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea,  vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing,  loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table  dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing  Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and  Naked Twister.
>
> WARNINGS:
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make  you think you are whispering when you are  not.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause  you to tell your friends over and over again that you love  them.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause  you to think you can sing.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make  you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the  opposite sex without spitting.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may  create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better  looking than most people.
>
> Please feel free to share this important  information with as many women as you feel may  benefit!
>
> Now  just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ........
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 05, 2010, 09:57:24 PM
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 16, 2010, 07:41:51 PM
Time waster game

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf (http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on October 16, 2010, 07:56:23 PM
Orior i see you're taking over from me ;) i can't get on the board much in work these days to get the old jokes up
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on October 18, 2010, 02:29:40 PM
http://www.subtangent.com/maths/countdown.php

numbers game from countdown...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on October 18, 2010, 07:00:33 PM
Quote from: Banana Man on October 18, 2010, 02:29:40 PM
http://www.subtangent.com/maths/countdown.php

numbers game from countdown...

Worst Joke ever.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on October 21, 2010, 05:55:22 PM
Tourism boost for Westmeath?  Reports coming out that the statue of Joe Dolan is moving. Council official confirmed this yesterday saying, 'it's moving more and more every day'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 21, 2010, 07:37:26 PM
Shouldn't that be more, and more and more?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on October 22, 2010, 02:57:36 PM
Was walking down to the shop yesterday when someone threw a lump of cheese at me - I thought, thats not very mature.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on October 23, 2010, 04:14:57 PM
TV NEWS: BBC unveil new show where mothers have to pitch their new born babies to James Caan - Diddums Den.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 25, 2010, 04:15:58 PM
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"   

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on October 27, 2010, 02:51:05 AM
IT MUST BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:    None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.







Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 27, 2010, 07:52:00 AM
A friend of mine was in hospital recently to have a large mole removed from his penis.








He says he's never shagging one of those again.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 29, 2010, 12:37:25 AM
Subject: Teaching Maths in Great Britain 
=========================

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. 
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on October 29, 2010, 12:51:29 AM
Knock knock....

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 29, 2010, 12:57:50 AM
Quote from: ballinaman on October 29, 2010, 12:51:29 AM
Knock knock....

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman

Thankfully its was a Ring!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 01, 2010, 10:15:39 AM
Ron's ' Card Trick. Performed by: YOU !!
(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d106/lowrider1964/cardman.jpg)

Pick one of the following cards. Don 't click on it; just keep it in your head.

(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d106/lowrider1964/6cards.jpg)

Scroll down when you have your card and you have it in your head ....





Think about your card for at least 20 seconds in front of Ron.


do not scrool down untill looking at ron for 20 secons




(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d106/lowrider1964/cardman.jpg)



Ron will attempt to read your mind!
Scroll down after 20 Seconds but not before 20 seconds and no cheating



(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d106/lowrider1964/cardman.jpg)







The Great Ron Has Removed Your Card you had in your mind


(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d106/lowrider1964/5cards.jpg)

SCARY ISN'T IT.
Now scroll up and do it again, this will freak you out.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 10:53:30 AM
f**k that is quality, how does that work?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on November 01, 2010, 10:59:25 AM
pm sent
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Family guy on November 01, 2010, 11:09:11 AM
Quote from: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 10:53:30 AM
f**k that is quality, how does that work?

Are you for real?????so easy 2 work out,knew wat was happening even before i scrolled down,good trick all the same
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 11:34:19 AM
QuoteQuote from: Banana Man on Today at 10:53:30 AM
f**k that is quality, how does that work?


Are you for real??so easy 2 work out,knew wat was happening even before i scrolled down,good trick all the same

I'll put it down to a bad hangover and it being a monday morning  :-[  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 01, 2010, 11:49:47 AM
Quote from: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 11:34:19 AM
QuoteQuote from: Banana Man on Today at 10:53:30 AM
f**k that is quality, how does that work?


Are you for real??so easy 2 work out,knew wat was happening even before i scrolled down,good trick all the same

I'll put it down to a bad hangover and it being a monday morning  :-[  :D

Not a good enough excuse lol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 01, 2010, 12:17:43 PM
Quote from: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 10:53:30 AM
f**k that is quality, how does that work?

I thought you were being sarcastic, lol.

If you thought that was good, then whaddyathink of this mindreader? It has been posted on here a few times before.

http://www.opendb.net/element/235.php (http://www.opendb.net/element/235.php)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on November 01, 2010, 01:28:38 PM
is it too late to claim the sarcastic one  :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 01, 2010, 02:11:04 PM
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 01, 2010, 02:11:52 PM
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.
There's no point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 01, 2010, 02:14:43 PM
(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:4UDcCo5FOIGKjM:http://static.gotpetsonline.com/pictures-gallery/dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/english-shepherd-dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/pictures/english-shepherd-dog-0003.jpg)

My Dog

Went down this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
This is a great country.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 01, 2010, 02:16:03 PM
The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 02, 2010, 10:53:03 AM
THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS.
This letter was sent to the Blacktown School Principal's office in New South Wales after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady had received  a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank  you.

This  story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today


Dear Blacktown School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 87 years old and live at the Blacktown Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.


Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 02, 2010, 11:29:45 AM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 02, 2010, 02:22:44 PM

The other day I needed to go to the A & E at our hospital. Not wanting
> to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a
> patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the
> Internet.
>
> When I went in, 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided
> that they weren't that sick after all.
>
> Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
>
> Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
> quicker emergency service.
>
> It also works at DSS. Saved me 5 hours.
>
> At the laundrette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
> machine, most still running.
>
> Don't try it at McDonald's though, the whole crew got up and left and l
> never got my order...
>
> Scroll down














(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:VO6PME9d7Zx4HM:http://londonrelocationservices.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/uk-border-agency.jpg)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 11, 2010, 05:08:08 PM
> The priest in a small Irish village loved the c**k and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the c**k went missing! The priest knew that c**k fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
>
> During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c**k?"
>
> All the men stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k?"
>
> All the women stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k that doesn't belong to them?"
>
> Half the women stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY c**k?"
>
> All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 11, 2010, 05:28:24 PM

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
 
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
 
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
 
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
 
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
 
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
she flew off, saying.......
 
"Just follow the yellow-p***k toad !! "

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 12, 2010, 12:53:30 PM
SERENITY   


Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ...
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief"


THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on November 12, 2010, 11:17:03 PM
Man walks into Doctors and says "Doctor, I feel like a trumpet"
Doctor says "Thats weird, a girl just left there saying that she felt like a mouth organ"
Your man goes "Ah, thats our Monica"....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 15, 2010, 02:52:14 PM
This morning on the motorway, I  looked over to my right and there was a  woman in a brand new VW blue DIESEL TURBO !!

Doing  75mph

With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver,

Which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear

Which fell into the coffee between my legs,

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an important call!

BLOODY women drivers!!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 15, 2010, 03:25:49 PM
THE SCOTS COW
 

   The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


  The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
 
"My wife is from Scotland."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 15, 2010, 07:31:35 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 15, 2010, 03:25:49 PM
THE SCOTS COW
 

   The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


  The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
 
"My wife is from Scotland."


Yes, mine is from Scotland too  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 16, 2010, 09:45:26 AM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on November 16, 2010, 11:12:38 AM
I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyone!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on November 16, 2010, 11:36:10 AM
QuoteI don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 16, 2010, 12:06:44 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on November 16, 2010, 11:12:38 AM
I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

Is that meant to be "anyone" ??? :(

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on November 16, 2010, 12:07:47 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on November 16, 2010, 11:36:10 AM
QuoteI don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

???

oops...anyone
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on November 16, 2010, 12:08:14 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 16, 2010, 12:06:44 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on November 16, 2010, 11:12:38 AM
I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

Is that meant to be "anyone" ??? :(

;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballygawleyman on November 16, 2010, 12:12:56 PM
After refusing to go forward at anytime on Saturday it is rumoured that Man City will be trying to sign Audley Harrison







This joke combines both Audley's poor performance together with Man City's current attacking abilities. Its a two-fer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on November 19, 2010, 01:00:46 AM
News reporter interviewing an Armagh GAA man, asks if the North and the Republic were playing each other who would he support.
He said, "The Republic, of course".
She then asked him would there ever be an occasion where he would support Northern Ireland.
He paused, and said "Only if they were playing England".
She then asked "So, Would you ever support England?"
"Not in a million years" was the answer.
"Definitely not?".
"No, not ever".
But then, your man pauses again and says "Well, maybe I would, in one circumstance".
"Maybe, if they were playing Tyrone".

(BTW, I'm a Down man - roles can be reversed if need be - was just tellin it like I was told it)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 19, 2010, 12:06:30 PM
Quote from: ballygawleyman on November 16, 2010, 12:12:56 PM
After refusing to go forward at anytime on Saturday it is rumoured that Man City will be trying to sign Audley Harrison







This joke combines both Audley's poor performance together with Man City's current attacking abilities. Its a two-fer.

V good, but when you have to explain the joke it's not worth writing ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on November 19, 2010, 01:37:56 PM
 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of the Dail came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on November 22, 2010, 10:59:03 AM
 The Irish Banking Crisis simply explained...

       Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

       The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...


       The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news The donkey's died.'


       Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

       The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

       Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

       The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

       Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

       The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

       Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'


       A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

       Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

       I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

       The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

       Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 22, 2010, 12:36:51 PM
Banned from Sainsbury's: Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at Tescos buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had  -  an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.   I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on November 22, 2010, 12:38:59 PM
Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos? ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 22, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: ardal on November 22, 2010, 12:38:59 PM
Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos? ;D

Thats the joke you fool ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on November 22, 2010, 09:21:34 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 22, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: ardal on November 22, 2010, 12:38:59 PM
Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos? ;D

Thats the joke you fool ;)

Oh yeah ha ha ha, good job you're retired so , note reference to "you" being banned
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 22, 2010, 11:18:18 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 22, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: ardal on November 22, 2010, 12:38:59 PM
Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos? ;D

Thats the joke you fool ;)

Hmmm, i must be a fool too  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on November 22, 2010, 11:33:23 PM
Quote from: Orior on November 22, 2010, 11:18:18 PM
Quote from: illdecide on November 22, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: ardal on November 22, 2010, 12:38:59 PM
Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos? ;D

Thats the joke you fool ;)

Hmmm, i must be a fool too  :(

you should know by now Orior, as an experienced member on here, you're setting yourself up badly with a comment like that !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 23, 2010, 11:50:09 AM
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month,    Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
       and
8)  Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 25, 2010, 03:30:05 PM

Never Lie to a Woman
Error! Filename not specified.
A man called home to his wife and said,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
"Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked?

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said,
"Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"?

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied,

"I did. They're in your fishing box..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 26, 2010, 03:59:08 PM
Two Plastic Bags



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large  plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.  Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car park.

"On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it? '  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O. K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK Good luck!  Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 26, 2010, 04:04:21 PM
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months

later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: bridge fan on November 26, 2010, 10:45:00 PM
Brian Cowen today announced....




That he is changing our country's national emblem from a shamrock to a condom because it more accurately reflects the Government's political stance..

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of prícks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 01, 2010, 10:46:08 PM
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything. At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 01, 2010, 10:49:04 PM
A mate of mine got a job in Burger King in London.

First day on the job, Andrew Loyd Webber walks in.

Loyd Webber: "Gimme 2 whoppers"

My mate: "You a good looking guy and you're operas are great"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 02, 2010, 09:21:13 PM
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 03, 2010, 10:18:08 AM

> The train was quite crowded,
>
>  so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
>
> but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
>
> middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
>
>
> The war-weary Marine asked,
>
> 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
>
> The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
>
> 'Americans are so rude.
>
> My little Fifi is using that seat.'
>
> The Marine walked the entire train again,
>
> but the only seat left was under that dog..
>
> 'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired.
>
> She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude,
>
> you are also arrogant!'
>
> This time the Marine didn't say a word;
>
> he just picked up the little dog,
>
> threw it out of the train window,
>
>
>  and sat down.
>
>
> The woman shrieked,
>
> 'Someone must defend my honour!
>
> This American should be put in his place!'
>
> An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
>
>  'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
> thing.
>
> You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
>
> You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
>
> And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 03, 2010, 02:24:37 PM
It's not the punchline, it's the way he tells it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t00GfcWcuxg&feature=related
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 07, 2010, 10:27:52 AM
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a night it increases the likelyhood of a stroke, if she finishes the whole bottle she'll probably suck it as well
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 07, 2010, 10:53:53 AM
When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on December 07, 2010, 11:06:31 AM
Quote from: illdecide on December 07, 2010, 10:53:53 AM
When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket...

:D i burst out at that one
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 07, 2010, 12:40:39 PM
No matter how much my wife prepares for the snow this weekend, she still won't be ready for the 10 inches she's getting tonight
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 07, 2010, 02:10:04 PM
(Heard this before but posted it anyway)

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag
out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.



''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old
now.''



''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother
cheerfully.



"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.



"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.



''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''



''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly
hair when he was born.''



''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.



''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.



''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.





"He would have been 18'', she whispers.



"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school''



''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.



After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says
. .





....





"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Cash 4 Gold!!!
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on December 12, 2010, 08:59:32 AM
http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on December 13, 2010, 05:50:02 PM
 A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
Many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of
Higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words
Redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that
She had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
Felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
Keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher
Taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
Self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the
Truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how
She was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
Let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was
Taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
Left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She
Didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
College friends,  because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
Doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is
So popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited
To all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
Classes because she's too hung over.'


Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's
Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
Friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
Certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
Daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
Back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
Hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
Work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played
While I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The
Republican party.'


If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a
great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for Everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

if a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)  ;)

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have
A good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".  :'(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 14, 2010, 09:19:05 PM
I hate Russion Dolls.

They're so full of themselves.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on December 14, 2010, 09:50:32 PM
Quote from: Tyrones own on December 13, 2010, 05:50:02 PM
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
Many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of
Higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words
Redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that
She had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
Felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
Keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher
Taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
Self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the
Truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how
She was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
Let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was
Taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
Left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She
Didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
College friends,  because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
Doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is
So popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited
To all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
Classes because she's too hung over.'


Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's
Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
Friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
Certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
Daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
Back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
Hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
Work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played
While I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The
Republican party.'


If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a
great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for Everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

if a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)  ;)

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have
A good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".  :'(
To be honest, there's a lot of crap in that. For example:
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

Could be turned as follows:
If a liberal doesn't want to have an abortion, she doesn't have one
If a conservative doesn't want an abortion, she wants nobody to be able to have one


or
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

That one is just wrong.
If conservatives don't agree with rock music, they'll protest for censorship;

If a conservative doesn't want to attend a gay pride event; they don't want anyone else attanding it either.


The arguments hold no water.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on December 14, 2010, 09:58:52 PM
Its posted in the joke thread maguire - lighten up  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trueblue1234 on December 14, 2010, 10:00:37 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 14, 2010, 09:50:32 PM
Quote from: Tyrones own on December 13, 2010, 05:50:02 PM
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
Many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of
Higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words
Redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that
She had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
Felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
Keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher
Taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
Self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the
Truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how
She was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
Let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was
Taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
Left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She
Didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
College friends,  because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
Doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is
So popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited
To all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
Classes because she's too hung over.'


Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's
Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
Friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
Certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
Daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
Back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
Hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
Work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played
While I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The
Republican party.'


If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a
great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for Everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

if a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)  ;)

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have
A good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".  :'(
To be honest, there's a lot of crap in that. For example:
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

Could be turned as follows:
If a liberal doesn't want to have an abortion, she doesn't have one
If a conservative doesn't want an abortion, she wants nobody to be able to have one


or
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

That one is just wrong.
If conservatives don't agree with rock music, they'll protest for censorship;

If a conservative doesn't want to attend a gay pride event; they don't want anyone else attanding it either.


The arguments hold no water.

that's not very funny.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on December 15, 2010, 08:10:25 AM
Quote from: haranguerer on December 14, 2010, 09:58:52 PM
Its posted in the joke thread maguire - lighten up  ;)
Yes, but it wasn't even remotely funny.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on December 15, 2010, 01:16:30 PM
Nor was it in a thread where it should be questioned so seriously
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 15, 2010, 02:44:56 PM
The Irish.....
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. John Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 15, 2010, 03:14:41 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Banana Man on December 15, 2010, 03:17:13 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 15, 2010, 08:10:25 AM
Quote from: haranguerer on December 14, 2010, 09:58:52 PM
Its posted in the joke thread maguire - lighten up  ;)
Yes, but it wasn't even remotely funny.

Jesus Christ maguire lighten up or go get laid or something  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 15, 2010, 03:51:55 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on December 15, 2010, 06:31:47 PM
Quoteif a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) 


Which Domestic religions in America are we alking about here?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on December 15, 2010, 06:34:35 PM
Paiute
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on December 15, 2010, 07:21:30 PM
Quote from: haranguerer on December 14, 2010, 09:58:52 PM
Its posted in the joke thread maguire - lighten up  ;)
While that is true, they do say that the best comedy has a certain degree
of truth to it  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RedandGreenSniper on December 15, 2010, 08:41:36 PM
Deleted. Screenmachine it reflects very badly on you that you continue to believe you have haven't done anything wrong. The most distasteful thing I've ever seen on this board, and that is some statement.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on December 15, 2010, 08:57:03 PM
Deleted
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 12:32:25 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 15, 2010, 08:19:22 PM
So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.  Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six. 

If I was in your vicinity I would punch you in the mouth for that. I don't know which of us that makes the worse person.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haveaharp on December 16, 2010, 08:56:52 AM
Quote from: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 12:32:25 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 15, 2010, 08:19:22 PM
So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.  Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six. 

If I was in your vicinity I would punch you in the mouth for that. I don't know which of us that makes the worse person.

Him.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 16, 2010, 09:51:40 AM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 10:04:48 AM
You lad's should visit sickipedia. You's would have a ball of a time...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: EC Unique on December 16, 2010, 10:24:18 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 15, 2010, 08:19:22 PM
So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.  Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six. 

(The PC brigade aren't going to like this...mwahahahaha....)  ;)

I am far from being in the PC brigade but that is sick. You obviously are not a father yourself. W.anker
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on December 16, 2010, 11:02:33 AM
Quote from: EC Unique on December 16, 2010, 10:24:18 AM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 15, 2010, 08:19:22 PM
So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.  Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six. 

(The PC brigade aren't going to like this...mwahahahaha....)  ;)

I am far from being in the PC brigade but that is sick. You obviously are not a father yourself. W.anker

I think it would be a grand idea to remove that post and all other replies associated with it, not just because I have a gra for David Cameron but because there may be other posters on here that have suffered a similar family tragedy.  Come on moderator.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 16, 2010, 11:34:18 AM
Agreed.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Louth Exile on December 16, 2010, 12:02:17 PM
Come on Mods, remove the whole thing and take action against that sicko
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: GerryFromDerry on December 16, 2010, 12:09:46 PM
Thats just sick. If you take a look at some of his older posts it indicates the sort of weird sense of humour he has. Pathetic person.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself. Personal attacks on my character are a different kettle of fish, I think I have grounds for a complaint to the moderators on this occasion although I'll be the bigger man and just leave it be. Get over yourselves.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 01:32:34 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:55:27 PM
There, I deleted it.  It seems that since every man and his dog has quoted and complained about the joke it's still online.  Start complaining about them now as they have now exposed this JOKE to our vulnerable online community.

QuoteSo you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

Thank God, I'm a tube.  For a moment there I thought you were going to call me a car.  You spa.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: EC Unique on December 16, 2010, 03:55:43 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:55:27 PM
There, I deleted it.  It seems that since every man and his dog has quoted and complained about the joke it's still online.  Start complaining about them now as they have now exposed this JOKE to our vulnerable online community.

QuoteSo you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

Thank God, I'm a tube.  For a moment there I thought you were going to call me a car.  You spa.

Another display of distaste. Have you any mentally disabled relations?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Keyser soze on December 16, 2010, 04:21:36 PM
That's shocking. And i'm not easily offended.

To be truthful not surprising though, if you look at the legend he uses it, which i presume he is quoting as an indication of something he finds amusing, it indicates a seriously disturbed indidvidual.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on December 16, 2010, 04:35:46 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.  She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 16, 2010, 04:45:22 PM
A pregnant traveller woman bursts in the hospital door and roars that she's giving birth. Doctor runs over and asks "Are you dialated?"
Woman answers back: "Am I dialated? I'm having a baby shur I'm over the moon."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on December 16, 2010, 04:49:39 PM
A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor enquires.
"No, this is her husband"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 16, 2010, 04:50:38 PM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on December 16, 2010, 04:49:39 PM
A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor enquires.
"No, this is her husband"

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 16, 2010, 08:31:09 PM
I applied for a job as a a security guard at Primark yesterday.

They asked me..."Do you have any relevant experience?"

"Loads" I replied. "I used to be a park warden."

"How exactly is that relevant?"

"Because I'm used to standing all day watching people put shit into a bag".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2010, 02:57:13 PM
Best letter sent to Santa...

"Dear Santa please bring me lots and lots of cloths to give to the poor women on Daddy's computer"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 17, 2010, 05:14:25 PM
It's just been announced that the Ann Summers chain of shops has made a bid for re-naming the Athletic Grounds in Armagh...A Spokesman said "it would be an ideal place for showing off a wide range of pricks".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 20, 2010, 03:45:53 PM
This is for anyone who works in an IT Service Desk....


On the 1st day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 2nd day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 3rd day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 4th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 5th day of Christmas,
My User sent to me
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 6th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 7th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 8th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 9th day of Service Desks,My User sent to me
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 10th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 11th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Eleven Email set ups
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 12th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Twelve Hard Drive replacements
Eleven Email set ups
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 22, 2010, 01:12:35 PM
A friend of mine got run over by a snow plough.

"I'll sue the bollix" he said , through gritted teeth.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 22, 2010, 01:17:04 PM
The police are on the lookout for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles.

A police spokesman said that the culprit is following a pattern....
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 22, 2010, 02:29:32 PM
Top Tip (Stolen from the Wobbler ;))

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bingo on December 22, 2010, 02:37:24 PM
Its like "The best of sickipedia" on here at the minute!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Croí na hÉireann on December 22, 2010, 02:43:11 PM
Quote from: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 01:32:34 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 22, 2010, 02:47:57 PM
Quote from: Croí na hÉireann on December 22, 2010, 02:43:11 PM
Quote from: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 01:32:34 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.

An as awful as that joke 5 Sams stole from the Wobbler today. Christ Almighty, he should be ashamed of himself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Eddie Stobart on December 22, 2010, 02:49:36 PM
Quote from: Croí na hÉireann on December 22, 2010, 02:43:11 PM
Quote from: Hardy on December 16, 2010, 01:32:34 PM
Quote from: screenmachine on December 16, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.

He called him a tube...hardly a great put down.
What was the joke anyway
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Boy Wonder on December 22, 2010, 11:10:28 PM
Quote from: Orior on December 22, 2010, 01:12:35 PM
A friend of mine got run over by a snow plough.

"I'll sue the bollix" he said , through gritted teeth.

Grounds for asalt charge maybe....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on December 22, 2010, 11:20:47 PM
Two snowmen in a garden - one says to the other - "Can you smell carrots?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on December 24, 2010, 09:05:36 PM
£14 feeds a family of 3 on xmas day, that's why Mum's go to Iceland
£10 for an 18 year old to bounce on your c**k all day, that;s why Dad's go to Thailand !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 07, 2011, 04:29:00 PM
> YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
> SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
> APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA WHICH BORE
> HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
>
> .
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT..
>
> THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD
> TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
> HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
>
> HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
> THEN THAT UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ARSED,
>
> GREY HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> BASTARD ASKED....
>
>
>
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mc_grens on January 07, 2011, 08:23:32 PM
Don't know that this is the best place for this, but it would be under appreciated in its own thread I think.

http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-letter-ever-printed-on-nfl-team-letterhead?skyline=true&s=i (http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-letter-ever-printed-on-nfl-team-letterhead?skyline=true&s=i)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on January 08, 2011, 01:00:37 AM
Happy New Year for 2012 -

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 09, 2011, 11:48:48 AM
Gerry Rafferty is to be buried in the same cemetery as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger, clown to the left of him ...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on January 13, 2011, 09:03:24 PM
Whats the differnce between Kenny Dalglish and Roy Hodgson?

Feck all by the look of things.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lawnseed on January 13, 2011, 11:07:51 PM
its hard being a decorator in this politically correct world. i can no longer say 'black paint'. now i have to say please paint that wall leroy 8)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on January 14, 2011, 09:23:10 AM
Elton John was changing the nappy of his new son and he turned to his husband and said, "He reminds me so much of you David". David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?" "No" says Elton. David asks "Well is it his cute little nose?" "No, it's not that" says Elton. David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes"."No" says Elton "His c**k's smothered in shit!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 14, 2011, 12:35:39 PM
My Grandad said "its going to be a f**king nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak", I said "tell me something i don't know..."
Grandad replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on January 14, 2011, 12:36:46 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on January 14, 2011, 09:23:10 AM
Elton John was changing the nappy of his new son and he turned to his husband and said, "He reminds me so much of you David". David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?" "No" says Elton. David asks "Well is it his cute little nose?" "No, it's not that" says Elton. David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes"."No" says Elton "His c**k's smothered in shit!"

Quote from: illdecide on January 14, 2011, 12:35:39 PM
My Grandad said "its going to be a f**king nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak", I said "tell me something i don't know..."
Grandad replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist".

Rotten images but ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2011, 02:47:19 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my wind eruptions  with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

...and I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2011, 03:24:28 PM
The Pope has it but doesn't use it!!!
Your father has one and your mother uses it!!!
Nuns don't need it
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a large one and Michael J Fox has a small one!!!



what is it???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on January 17, 2011, 03:32:27 PM
surname
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 17, 2011, 03:46:59 PM
Quote from: liihb on January 17, 2011, 03:32:27 PM
surname

No it's "Knob"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on January 17, 2011, 04:12:06 PM
Touche!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 17, 2011, 04:19:37 PM
Quote from: illdecide on January 17, 2011, 02:47:19 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my wind eruptions  with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

...and I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Very true
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 17, 2011, 04:23:09 PM
A man marries a deaf girl, and after a while he tells her that they must work out a code for sex.

He informs her that if he wants sex he will stroke her breast.

She must reply by pulling his c**k once for YES and 62 times for NO.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 19, 2011, 04:32:58 PM
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:     

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tyroneman on January 19, 2011, 05:53:03 PM
I used to date women in alphabetical order.  It all went swimmingly until Yvonne dumped me.......she was worried I would go back to my ex
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on January 20, 2011, 12:59:08 PM
Garry Glitter to take over from Ged at Aston Villa.

He's been told that the strikers are Young, Bent and probably Keane.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 20, 2011, 02:42:02 PM
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks..

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on January 20, 2011, 02:50:11 PM
I was driving past a field earlier when I saw a scarecrow trying to have a w**k - I thought to myself...
"That poor bastard's just clutching at straws!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 20, 2011, 03:28:29 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY WAS WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH HIS MUM, TELLING HER ABOUT HIS DAY..."MUMMY, AT PLAY TIME, I SAW DADDY'S CAR INTO THE WOODS AND AUNTY JANE WAS WITH HIM"..."OHH" SAID MUM "CARRY ON..."THEN ME AND JACK SNEAKED OUT AND FOLLOWED THEM AND SAW THEM KISSING AND..." "STOP!" SAID MUM, "WHY DON'T YOU SAVE YOUR STORY AND TELL US ALL TONIGHT, SO DADDY CAN HEAR TOO".

SO AT THE DINNER TABLE LITTLE JOHNNY TOLD THEM "I SAW DADDY'S CAR GO INTO THE WOODS NEAR SCHOOL AND ME AND JACK WENT INTO THE WOODS. WE SAW DADDY KISSING AUNTIE JANE THEN THEY TOOK OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND DID THAT THING WHAT MUMMY AND UNCLE BOB DO WHEN DADDY'S AT WORK"...MUM FAINTED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS; WOMEN SHOULD ALWAYS SHUT UP, LISTEN AND LET PEOPLE FINISH BEFORE INTERRUPTING...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on January 22, 2011, 12:42:30 AM
I've just bought some Tesco three stripe Viagra, they only give you a semi, but,

Every little helps.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 24, 2011, 02:46:29 PM
 
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown  Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so
what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 26, 2011, 11:35:22 AM
20. "I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin." – about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.
19. "Hasney's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now." – on an injury sustained by central defender Hasney Aljofree.
18. "Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We'd never hear the end of it!" – on rumours about a possible knighthood for David Beckham.
17. "We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands." – after a defeat against Notts County.
16. "Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank." – on criticism from Plymouth Argyle fans during Leicester City's match against Plymouth Argyle.
15. "It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play." – after being criticised for using defensive players in midfield.
14. "Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings." – on veteran striker Paul Furlong.
13. "If he's only worth £4 million, then I'm a Scotsman called Mctavish." – Again on bids received for captain Charlie Adam
12. "Have you ever seen The Incredibles? They have a a kid and he's just so quick, like 'WOOSH' and he's gone, and they call him 'Dash'. – on Scott Sinclair, then on loan at Argyle.
11. "It was a bit cheeky wasn't it? But I don't think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he'd turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (...) If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything." – on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans
10. "When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas." – on QPR's new Danish striker Marc Nygaard.
9. "I call us the Orange club – because our future's bright!" – on QPR's potential.
8. "It's like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I've had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we've got hold of the galaxy now. It's in our hands." - Holloway on QPR's financial situation.
7. "Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!" – Holloway after securing promotion to the Championship."
6. "I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis." – asked whether QPR would be able to beat Manchester City.
5. "It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake." – Holloway states his opinion about the linesman's performance in a game against Bristol City.
4. "He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his c**k's massive." – talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
3. "Dream on! If they want to insult me by only offering £3.5 million and then get it all over the paper and try to upset me well, sorry, they're barking up the wrong tree, they're messing with the wrong dog and I'll come and bite them." – On bids received for captain Charlie Adam.
2. "To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee" – on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway's most famous quote.
1. "If I was in there I wouldn't try to be everybody's friend. I'd have to say 'Excuse me, hang on a minute, I think you're wrong there. Don't raise your voice at her like that, don't get like that. It's just an Oxo cube, we got it wrong and we're all in this together'. It's like the Witches of Eastwick. They need Jack Nicholson to come in and sort them right out." – on the bullying of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother 2007.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on January 27, 2011, 11:14:57 PM


  I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
 
  I want to live forever," I said.

Sorry said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

Fine says I, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their
  Holes!"






You crafty bastard, says he! ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: CountyMan on January 28, 2011, 10:34:01 AM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on January 20, 2011, 12:59:08 PM
Garry Glitter to take over from Ged at Aston Villa.

He's been told that the strikers are Young, Bent and probably Keane.

Cracker!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 28, 2011, 04:02:05 PM

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole, when a second

golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that

he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,

"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a

hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but

agreed to the terms.


The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy

counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a

neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers and asked his

"victim" what he did for a living. The first fellow revealed that he

was the Parish Priest.


The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet

with you. You keep your winnings."


The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make amends?"


The Priest said, "Well, yes, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and if
you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 03, 2011, 09:48:42 AM
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide together. Strangly enough after she killed herself i started feeling better so i thought, F**k it!!! Soilder on.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 03, 2011, 10:28:15 AM
On holiday in Spain recently, i seen a sign that said "English speaking Doctor". I thought to myself "what a f**king good idea, why don't we have them in our country?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gaoth Dobhair Abu on February 04, 2011, 01:31:40 PM
Probably been done before but I'm in tears here!  :D

Andy Gray's Letter of Resignation

Dear all,

I am so sad to be leaving a company that I have served long and hard for, for over 20 years. In fact I would like to go out on a high and so..........

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the effing goalkeeper."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 04, 2011, 04:53:48 PM
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..



Doctor: "What happened?"



Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."



Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.



Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.

I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"



Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 04, 2011, 05:04:29 PM
I ordered a Chinese take away the other night, the Chinese delivery driver turned up at my door and said "£20 prease".

I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son"?

He said, "harfy price". I replied cheers Ting Tong here's a tenner now clear off.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: liihb on February 04, 2011, 05:29:22 PM
QuoteI ordered a Chinese take away the other night, the Chinese delivery driver turned up at my door and said "£20 prease".

I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son"?

He said, "harfy price". I replied cheers Ting Tong here's a tenner now clear off

A bit like the w**king scarecrow, you're clutching at straws there chief
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 04, 2011, 09:44:03 PM
The wife (with a touch of PMT) asks the husband...."Are you ready for your dinner?" He says..."Yes love...what are the choices?"...She says.."Yes or fuckin No..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on February 04, 2011, 10:46:42 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on February 04, 2011, 09:44:03 PM
The wife (with a touch of PMT) asks the husband...."Are you ready for your dinner?" He says..."Yes love...what are the choices?"...She says.."Yes or fuckin No..."

this might be a joke thread....but how true is that !!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 07, 2011, 12:13:40 AM
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 07, 2011, 12:22:25 AM
Ziggy, I heard a version of that joke about 30 years ago.

Person 1 "Hey, see can you find a picture of a man thumbing for a lift on this £10 note."

Person 2 studies the £10 note "Nope, I cant see anyone"

Person 1 "Oh, he must have got a lift"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 07, 2011, 12:26:29 AM
Breaking News:
=========

Professor Stephen Hawking was found this morning with his face all covered in cuts and bruises.

Apparently he had a date with a girl the night before and she stood him up.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 07, 2011, 10:57:12 AM
> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>
> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
>
> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
>
> 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
> dislikes.'
>
> He addressed the man,
>
> 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
>
> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
> self-raising, isn't it?
>
>
>
> WORDS
>
> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
> day...
>
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>
> The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> everything to men....
>
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
>
>
>
>
>
> CREATION
>
> A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
>
> so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
>
> 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
>
> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
>
> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
>
>
>
>
> The Silent Treatment
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home
>
> and were giving each other the silent treatment.
>
> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to
> wake him
>
> at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
>
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on
> a piece of paper,
> 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find
it.
>
>
> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
> he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
> wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
>
> The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
>
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on February 07, 2011, 08:22:49 PM
Hilarious  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 08, 2011, 09:46:24 PM
Blackadder Insults
===========


On Acting
I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin with a steak tenderizer and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop.

On Baldrick
God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad outlook for Christians throughout the globe if god looked anything like you Baldrick.

He looks like what he is, a dungball in a dress.

Your services might be as useful as a barber shop in the steps of the guillotine.

On Baldrick's Acting
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that you.

The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.

On Baldrick's Kitchen
O God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 100 yrs war. Baldrick have you been eating dung again?

Bob
You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only golf club.

Charlie Chaplin
I find his films as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

Concert Parties
I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder in no mans land smoking a fag through a luminous balaclava.

The French
We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?

Lieutenant Georges acting
You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.

Mrs Miggins
Mrs M, if we were the last 3 humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick

On Percy
You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would.

The Scarlet Pimpernel
He's the most overrated man since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 best Disciple competition.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 08, 2011, 09:51:07 PM
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s ** t, it's Global Warming.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
----------------------------------------------------------
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
----------------------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth.
And now it's black and crispy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2011, 12:38:31 AM
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says

"Remember, you have a wife."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2011, 12:39:32 AM
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2011, 12:46:21 AM
Are YOU insured for sex?

SEX with your wife - legal & general
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry - Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend - standard life
SEX with a transvestite - confused.com
SEX with some one different - go compare.com
SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat.com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a posh bird - privilege.com
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on February 09, 2011, 01:04:24 AM
Quote from: Orior on February 09, 2011, 12:46:21 AM
Are YOU insured for sex?

SEX with your wife - legal & general
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry - Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend - standard life
SEX with a transvestite - confused.com
SEX with some one different - go compare.com
SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat.com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a posh bird - privilege.com
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

Are you coming out of the closet?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on February 09, 2011, 10:50:42 AM
Franchise Opportunity ( Might be a good investment.)

                                                                 










A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats!

It's doing really well............................





He says the Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 09, 2011, 01:53:09 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...


"Try doing it with the engine running."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Turf Wars on February 10, 2011, 04:42:13 AM
Young Boy:     'Dad, is 'knickers' a curse'?





Dad:     'No, but tights are'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 11, 2011, 02:53:24 PM
This is some womens idea of a joke ::)

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 11, 2011, 03:22:23 PM
I was late for work the other day and was speeding down the motorway, when i got caught by a traffic cop on the bridge with a speed gun "any reason for going so fast?" "i'm late for work" i said. "what do you do for a living" he asked. "I'm an ass stretcher" i said. "an ass stretcher" he asked confused. "Yes officer, i use stretching equipment to stretch an ass, i open the ass a few inches at a time until the ass is 6ft wide" looking somewhat confused he asked! "What the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole?" I replied"give him a speed gun and stick him on a bridge".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 11, 2011, 04:45:41 PM
The grim reaper came for me last night and i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...talk about DYSON with death.. :-[

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 13, 2011, 06:46:50 PM
Sent a text to this woman I picked up last night, it read:-
I was going to tell you a joke about my c*ck, but it's too long."
She replied:-
That's strange, I was going to send you a joke about my f*nny, but you won't get it."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 13, 2011, 06:49:43 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Swede, a Pole, an American, a Frenchman, a German, a Chinaman, a Japanese man, an Australian, a Kiwi, a Dutchman, a Russian, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Belgian, a Somalian, a Ugandan, a Spaniard, a Latvian, a Brazilian, an Indian, a Pakistani, a Norwegian, a Lithuanian and a Hungarian all walk into a restaurant.

The manager says, "Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 14, 2011, 12:10:53 PM
An old one to set of Valentines day...

Booked a table for Valentines night for me and the wife...i can see it ending in tears though...She's fecking hopeless at snooker!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 15, 2011, 03:49:53 PM
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Astra van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity obviously did not have any whips to hand,
but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona
until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Fred, let alone that she allowed the kinky bugger to whip her, eventually admits that,
"Yes", she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 15, 2011, 03:59:17 PM
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed...i didn't mind too much until i found out she was faking them!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 15, 2011, 04:11:38 PM
The man at the bar looks into his pint and sighs heavily, "what's up Dave?" asks the landlord, "it's not like you too be so down in the mouth". "It's my four year old son, the little bastard has got our 17 year old neighbour pregnant". "Get away, thats impossible" says the landlord, "it's not" says Dave. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms"!!!.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on February 18, 2011, 08:26:54 AM
I told the story before about the man down the road here who was reffing a hurling match one night and there was no net and there was confusion as to whether it was a goal or a pint. When the captain of the team that scored asked what he gave he said "two points" as it was the fairest.


Well yesterday we were talking about him and this man was saying that he played full back for a long time for the football team and one day this fella was marking him and at the start he gave John a bit of a shove and says to him "I'll be getting a penalty off you today"  and then a few more minutes later he says the same thing, "I'll be getting a penalty off you today" and John sez  --
"You might get a penalty off me but I will guarantee you one thing, if you do you won't ge foooking taking it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 18, 2011, 03:56:00 PM
The International Council of Man Laws feels there may be a necessity to refresh men of certain laws.


1.      Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2.      It is okay for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a.      When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b.      The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c.       After wrecking your boss's car.
d.      When she is using her teeth.
3.      Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4.      If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5.      Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.      No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must  celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7.      In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.      When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
9.      You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10.  It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model. And only when it's free.
11.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13.  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14.  If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.
15.  Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16.  A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.
18.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
19.  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
20.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
22.  The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation - end of story.
23.  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.  Never wear a man bag to work.
25.  We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
a.      GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys and being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to say: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
b.      BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty!'
      I hope this clears up any confusion.
      The International Council of Man Laws
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 21, 2011, 02:12:22 PM
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on February 21, 2011, 03:09:09 PM
How do you starve an Obama supporter?










Hide his food stamps under his work boots
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on February 22, 2011, 11:01:56 AM
Dear Technical Support,

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, periodically and without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off..

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

Regards,

Troubled User

---------------------------------------------

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from a Girlfriend application to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run everything. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 1.2. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You are right that you cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.2 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.'

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Overuse of its support programs will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0..

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause catastrophic failure and irreversible damage to the operating system.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 01, 2011, 10:01:06 PM
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection..  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Real Laoislad on March 02, 2011, 09:46:32 AM
I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88 mph.  Probably going Back to the Führer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 02, 2011, 10:57:51 AM
Great Scott! Thats a terrible joke, no timing at all.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 07, 2011, 12:14:49 AM
Tony Blair called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 07, 2011, 12:17:43 AM
Wife was late home from work so I had to make dinner tonight. I was chopping herbs, and with my inexperience I managed to get some in my eye, blinding me.

I had to go to hospital, and the eye doctor says I may be parsley-sighted for the rest of my life.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 16, 2011, 03:43:03 PM
Q. How does Batman's mum call him in for his dinner?

A. She doesn't. His parents' savage untimely death as a child is what ultimately leads him to become the Dark Knight.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 16, 2011, 09:50:29 PM
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on March 16, 2011, 10:04:25 PM
A guy pops his head in the door of  the barbers shop, how long to get a hair cut? he asks.
"2 hrs replies the barber. thanks he said and goes out. the same thing happened a week later.
How long to get my hair cut? hour and a half replied the barber. Thanks and goes. Next week the same thing happened and when the man left the barber said to his assistant and follow him. He must be mad or something. The assistant came back in 1 hour laughing.
Where did he go? asks the barber?











Your house was the reply.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 16, 2011, 10:37:20 PM
The barber didnt get it either, but his wife did.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Over the Bar on March 16, 2011, 11:14:07 PM
Q: What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?

A: The New York Jets

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on March 18, 2011, 10:26:00 PM
Quote from: hardstation on March 16, 2011, 10:39:30 PM
Shite joke!

Ha ha, need to go back to biology class Hardstation. I think the jokes on the opposite side
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 20, 2011, 01:49:47 PM
A Glasgow policeman spots a drunk South African dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

What's the situation?
- A darkie is dancing on a car roof.

You can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on March 20, 2011, 02:23:11 PM
Quote from: Hardy on March 20, 2011, 01:49:47 PM
A Glasgow policeman spots a drunk South African dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

What's the situation?
- A darkie is dancing on a car roof.

You can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.

Wouldn't it be something like Delta.... Alpha.....romeo....

Can't work out what ZTS means
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on March 20, 2011, 09:50:12 PM
QuoteYou can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.

Wouldn't it be something like Delta.... Alpha.....romeo....

Can't work out what ZTS means

As Ted might say,  "Think that one over again Dougal"  lol  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 21, 2011, 02:27:48 PM
A man phones his wife from hospital and told her that his finger has been cut off in an accident at work. "Ohh my God" cried the wife, "The whole finger". "No" he said, "the one next to it"!.
Title: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on March 21, 2011, 02:58:01 PM
A Yank in a pub in Temple Bar last Saturday evening asks the bar man, "My wife and I would like to go for a drink where there are no cheering rugby fans. Can you recommend somewhere sir?

Without taking his eye of the match the barman says, "Try London bud."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 28, 2011, 01:45:50 PM
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on March 28, 2011, 07:05:47 PM
(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicterritorymarking2.png)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 07, 2011, 09:34:30 AM
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....  'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  No way I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just picking daisies."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.  He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Joxer on April 07, 2011, 10:09:24 AM
Did you hear Andy Gray and Richard Keys are now stationed in Belmullet?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on April 13, 2011, 08:23:55 AM
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.   

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on April 16, 2011, 12:32:50 PM
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.
The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader: "Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lar Naparka on April 16, 2011, 02:19:50 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on April 16, 2011, 12:32:50 PM
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.
The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader: "Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Overthebar! on April 18, 2011, 04:42:00 PM
I know its only Monday but this made me laugh:

http://twitpic.com/4fei3w/full
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on April 18, 2011, 06:16:52 PM
Quote from: Lar Naparka on April 16, 2011, 02:19:50 PM


A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"
:D Best joke on here in a long while
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 18, 2011, 06:47:47 PM
Quote from: laoislad on April 18, 2011, 06:16:52 PM
Quote from: Lar Naparka on April 16, 2011, 02:19:50 PM


A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"
:D Best joke on here in a long while
...and one of the oldest ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on April 21, 2011, 08:20:03 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that - 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?, "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, he's one of us.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tbrick18 on May 06, 2011, 01:40:56 PM
In light of recent events, Elton John has re-released one of his classics aptly named.....


Sandle in the Bin.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 14, 2011, 02:43:37 PM
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net'
Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir... 
'Yes. It's Fernando Torres'

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please." The barman says, "That's not like you."

I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies. They're called knee-grows

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says "That's not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

A young Arab asks his father: -  What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford?

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, my dinner or sex once since the first beating.

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive... shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call... done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn't sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it's an old sh!thouse door off a fishin' boat!

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.. it was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said that wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Fernando Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on May 14, 2011, 06:58:11 PM
where did you get those 1975?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 01, 2011, 10:15:37 AM
During World War II, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover.

When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside.

"Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England."

"I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done."

So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news.

"Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?"

"Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?"

"Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before.

One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major.

"Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..."

"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."

The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England.

This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot.

"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct."

"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well."

"And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"

"Correct again," replied the Major.

"Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer.

"Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape, are you?"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 01, 2011, 10:38:04 AM
Philosophy of sex "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." –Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on June 01, 2011, 10:42:29 AM
A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on June 12, 2011, 06:36:13 PM
Prince Charles decided to take up walking regularly.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.


He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.


This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on June 24, 2011, 04:19:29 PM
In the toilet of McBrides pub, 3 men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.

The 1st guy finished, an American, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...right up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next man finished, an Englishman, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Oxford and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The last man, Pat from Tyrone, zipped up, and as he was walking out the
door said, "I graduated from the University of Life.. me oul doll taught me not to piss on me hands."

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Groucho on June 24, 2011, 04:35:55 PM
A guy spots a hot looking girl across the room at the local disco......he walks up to her and says "you remind me of my wee toe".......she replies "is it because I'm small and cute?"

.....he says..."No....It's because I'm going to bang you on the coffee table tonight!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on June 27, 2011, 11:07:25 PM
Young teenager asks his grandmother "Have you seen my bottle of pills - its marked LSD" Granmother replies - "Forget the pills - have you seen the fuckin' dragon in the kitchen"?!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ThatsTheFootball on June 28, 2011, 02:16:48 PM
It's all in the delivery, said the midwife to the courier....

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:please,
and one for the road."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on June 29, 2011, 12:25:08 PM
A doctor was preforming a prostate examination on me this morning.  I wasn't impressed with him at all, told him to pull his finger out
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: highorlow on July 01, 2011, 12:06:30 PM
As my suicidal teen daughter left for school this morning she said "Shit. I forgot to take my medicine this morning".

I said, "Is if for your face?"

She said, "Its for my low self-esteem dad"

I said. "....your not taking anything for your face?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on July 01, 2011, 12:21:13 PM
Rebel forces in Libya want Gadaffi arrested and tried for war crimes. Others say this not strong enough punishment & want him made referee a Tyrone ladies game.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: RealSpiritof98 on July 01, 2011, 02:29:09 PM

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly collapsed and died.......

The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here....

The husband said 'ship her home'. The undertaker said ''But sir why don't you bury her in the holy Land and save the money''........

The husband said '' a long time ago and man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....  I cant take the f**king chance''

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 04, 2011, 12:37:26 PM
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
   "Not a f**king thing!"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on July 11, 2011, 11:58:28 AM
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





See below....................





































Husband's Diary:

        A four putt;  who the hell four putts ?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 11, 2011, 12:41:15 PM
Quote from: Declan on July 11, 2011, 11:58:28 AM
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

        A four putt;  who the hell four putts ?

That is so true.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on July 11, 2011, 12:43:02 PM
Quote from: Declan on July 11, 2011, 11:58:28 AM
who the hell four putts ?


Unfortunately, I do (on occasion)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 11, 2011, 07:02:05 PM
(http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j64/Mass485/633624670541059974-onlinedating.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on July 13, 2011, 03:44:09 PM
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on July 18, 2011, 10:10:02 PM
Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was.

She said, 'Ring sting?'

Paddy said, 'What the f**k will he know?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 22, 2011, 07:15:57 PM
Autocorrect snafus  :D
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/10484/the-top-15-most-popular-dyac-texts-of-all-time/

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on July 22, 2011, 10:09:12 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on July 22, 2011, 07:15:57 PM
Autocorrect snafus  :D
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/10484/the-top-15-most-popular-dyac-texts-of-all-time/

Crying with laughter reading that!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 01, 2011, 02:50:42 PM
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic...I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely,
The Pope


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely,
Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere


Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely,
Waldo


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely,
Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely,
Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber


Dear Haiti ,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream....What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours
Sincerely,
Gay Men Of America


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 01, 2011, 02:52:00 PM
"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."
Ken Dodd


"I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."
Tim Vine


"I need cheering up. I lent my friend $8,000 for plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips


"My girlfriend had a phantom pregnancy. Now we have a little baby ghost."
Jimmy Carr


"A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says, "Here, boy!"
Spike Milligan


"I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference."
Jay Leno


"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."
Les Dawson


"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."
Bob Monkhouse


"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."
Chris Addison


"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
Groucho Marx

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 01, 2011, 09:59:18 PM
Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints:

1. ''I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard-creams or ginger-nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

7. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

8. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

9. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

10. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

11. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

12. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

13. "The roads were uneven.."

14. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, but it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

15. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

16. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

17. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners  '- now live abroad'."

18.. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

19. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

20. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

21. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

22. "The beach was too sandy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on August 03, 2011, 03:46:19 PM
A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for 1. Shes smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause your an ugly cnut"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on August 05, 2011, 12:42:33 PM
This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Station, Belfast  from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 


Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ??????,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: highorlow on August 19, 2011, 12:11:01 PM
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster

EMO PHILIPS
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: kumquat on August 24, 2011, 07:31:11 PM
A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a f**king what?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on August 24, 2011, 07:43:43 PM
Quote from: kumquat on August 24, 2011, 07:31:11 PM
A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a f**king what?"

:D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on August 25, 2011, 04:15:26 PM
Hi Sue:

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me,
I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite
cool! So to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water
heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and
heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.  What I do when I get to the bottom and start
working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my butt
started to itch.

Of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The
hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it.  However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were
all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my chamber dry.

When  I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen
shut.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 30, 2011, 10:26:54 PM
A Mayo man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 08, 2011, 11:49:26 AM
C.V. mistakes

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a major chain store.

I am a rabid typist.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

Strengths: Attention to detal.

Don't take the comments of my former employers too seriously. They were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

Dispensed with $2.5 billion in assets.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 08, 2011, 12:36:56 PM
Quote from: Hardy on September 08, 2011, 11:49:26 AM
C.V. mistakes

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a major chain store.

I am a rabid typist.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

Strengths: Attention to detal.

Don't take the comments of my former employers too seriously. They were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

Dispensed with $2.5 billion in assets.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Bastards! Three of the above are mine. Where did this list come from?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: J OGorman on September 13, 2011, 10:01:05 AM
Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter handed me out a Man Utd kit. I said "Sorry love, you mis-heard me. I said I wanted to look like a count"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 13, 2011, 02:42:56 PM
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another Lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees".

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 13, 2011, 04:11:44 PM
Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on September 13, 2011, 04:31:56 PM
Quote from: Orior on September 13, 2011, 04:11:44 PM
Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?
I thought it was great and i will be stealing it for future occasions!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 13, 2011, 09:29:49 PM
Quote from: Orior on September 13, 2011, 04:11:44 PM
Just curious - did you like that joke Onion Bag?

Do you like it orior?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 13, 2011, 09:56:00 PM
I hate mushy peas.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 13, 2011, 10:00:27 PM
What about fish and chimps?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 13, 2011, 10:08:38 PM
Not as funny as the first time I heard it a few years ago. It must be an acquired taste.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 13, 2011, 11:07:09 PM
I liked the punch lion.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Pangurban on September 21, 2011, 02:39:02 AM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip and wasted my time with your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ******g fault.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Blegard on September 21, 2011, 06:38:21 AM
Guy goes to see his doctor one Friday and asks for the strongest Viagra tablets he can get. Doctor asks "why the strong ones/"
He replies that he has two stunning birds up for it,coming around later this evening and will stay with him all weekend at his place. Gets the pills and leaves contented. Goes back to the same doctor Monday morning and asks for the strongest painkillers possible. Doctor asks "What do you need them for?"

"My Wrist..... Those birds never showed up"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 28, 2011, 10:23:11 PM
Time waster

http://www.drawastickman.com/ (http://www.drawastickman.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on September 28, 2011, 10:44:02 PM
My wife burst into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.

"Do you need medical attention?" She winked.

"Yes! Yes I do," I replied. "I've got erectile dysfunction."

"Ooh," she giggled. "And when did this start?"

"About 30 seconds ago," I replied.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The missus sez to me: "Go to the Co-op and bring back a pint of milk, and if they have eggs, then get a dozen." I came back with 12 pints of milk and she screamed at me "WHY THE f**k HAVE YOU BROUGHT BACK TWELVE PINTS OF MILK YOU STUPID TWAT?" I replied: "They had eggs"...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work.
Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single f**king day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: men in black on September 28, 2011, 10:59:17 PM


At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. 



There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. 



Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 



The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll pe rsonally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' 



More sighs and loud applause. 



Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' 



There is total silence. 



The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 



Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F ##**k him'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on September 29, 2011, 10:35:24 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 29, 2011, 10:44:42 AM
Twitter is setting up its European HQ in Dublin but it's only going to employ 140 characters.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on September 29, 2011, 01:22:17 PM
What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on September 29, 2011, 01:28:36 PM
Quote from: trileacman on September 29, 2011, 01:22:17 PM
What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-62gGW-Mo2mQ/Tdzp5ygfj_I/AAAAAAAAAlU/oJQgQKnLPmE/s1600/scooby-doo-2-wallpaper-2-12154.jpg)

I let this dog hump my leg any day! Woof, woof :-*
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on September 29, 2011, 11:01:26 PM
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."
The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.
"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and f**k each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.
"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor's. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
"I'm very sorry," he says. "I've got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer."
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, "And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I'm really, very sorry."
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
"I suppose it could be worse," he says. "I could have cancer."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
"Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!"
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid's grandmother furiously fingering herself.
"Ah!" said the mother. "Well, that's not a shrimp. That's actually called a 'vagina'"
"Oh!" said the boy. "It certainly tasted like shrimp."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on October 01, 2011, 01:31:17 AM
Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl.

They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her ass, something he never thought he'd do or enjoy.

Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams.

In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his c**k.

"You really can't get enough of my c**k," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin.

Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on October 01, 2011, 01:54:19 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on September 29, 2011, 01:28:36 PM
Quote from: trileacman on September 29, 2011, 01:22:17 PM
What do you call the dog in the Scooby Doo cartoon?



Daphne.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-62gGW-Mo2mQ/Tdzp5ygfj_I/AAAAAAAAAlU/oJQgQKnLPmE/s1600/scooby-doo-2-wallpaper-2-12154.jpg)

I let this dog hump my leg any day! Woof, woof :-*

Apologies it was meant to be Thelma

(http://www.vectorjunky.com/gallery/s/Scooby-Doo-VELMA002.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: vxopel on October 01, 2011, 09:30:36 PM
three blonds walk into a bar










you would think one of them would see it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 06, 2011, 08:18:02 PM
Kevin Webster isn't bothered by recent allegations, he's feeling Rosie.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fiodoir Ard Mhacha on October 06, 2011, 08:47:18 PM
R.I.Pod.

More a tribute to Mr Jobs.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 06, 2011, 08:50:38 PM
Ten years ago we still had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and No Hope!


Steve Jobs jokes.

Not PC.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: sans pessimism on October 06, 2011, 09:04:02 PM
Quote from: Forever Green on October 01, 2011, 01:31:17 AM
Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl.

They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her ass, something he never thought he'd do or enjoy.

Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams.

In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his c**k.

"You really can't get enough of my c**k," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin.

Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
aah the old ones are the... best
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 07, 2011, 03:12:31 PM
Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on October 07, 2011, 04:02:20 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on October 06, 2011, 08:18:02 PM
Kevin Webster isn't bothered by recent allegations, he's feeling Rosie.

he is "doing up" a 14 year old escort in his garage
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DoYerJob Linesman on October 07, 2011, 09:34:41 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 07, 2011, 03:12:31 PM
Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

Jesus.   :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hoof Hearted on October 07, 2011, 09:57:35 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 07, 2011, 03:12:31 PM
Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

did you make any on it
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: sans pessimism on October 08, 2011, 08:23:09 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 07, 2011, 03:12:31 PM
Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.
Jeez 5 Sams could you post tonights lotto mumbers!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on October 08, 2011, 08:55:58 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 07, 2011, 03:12:31 PM
Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

I wonder did he have a bet on it?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on October 08, 2011, 01:42:17 PM
A little late but still funny.

Wayne Rooney Senior is refusing to speak about his arrest out of respect for his son; he says he will make a comment after Montenegro's last minute equaliser tonight. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 10, 2011, 03:47:59 PM
Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: sans pessimism on October 11, 2011, 03:24:57 PM
Whats a wok for?........Twoing at a wabbit when ya dont have a wifle
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 12, 2011, 12:52:54 PM
Michael's Jackson's doctor has said in court that Michael had lost a lot of weight leading up to his death. He still wore adult tops, but managed to squeeze into children's bottoms.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 12, 2011, 01:36:45 PM
Quote from: sans pessimism on October 11, 2011, 03:24:57 PM
Whats a wok for?........Twoing at a wabbit when ya dont have a wifle

I dont get it  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on October 12, 2011, 02:05:09 PM
Replace W with R.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BennyHarp on October 14, 2011, 08:25:45 PM
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the
church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the %@# R !"
His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...

CELEB R ATE
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 18, 2011, 04:55:05 PM
Another couple of clinkers from Overheard in Dublin....

Overheard from a flat window in Gardiner Street: "Hey! Assummmptah! Come in here if ya wan' da skin off yer fadder's rasher!"


Skanger buying one of those dreadful cowboy hats before the Neil Diamond Concert

Skanger: "How much are de hats?"
Seller: "7 euro each"
Skanger: "Give us two for a tenner"
Seller: "This is D4 luv not Kusadasi"




Overheard walking passed a school in Dublin on Junior Cert results day. While sitting on the steps of the school opening the envelope one girl screams "YES, I knew I wasnt f*ckin' stupid!"


Mooney's Monday Quiz on RTE Radio 1 on 21st September 2011
Derek Mooney: "Which Bird are you said to be "Up With", if you are an early riser?"
Contestant: "mm..up with...up with the c**k?"



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 18, 2011, 05:00:52 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 18, 2011, 04:55:05 PM
Mooney's Monday Quiz on RTE Radio 1 on 21st September 2011
Derek Mooney: "Which Bird are you said to be "Up With", if you are an early riser?"
Contestant: "mm..up with...up with the c**k?"


Song bird?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on October 18, 2011, 10:58:47 PM
Nr?

No seriously whats the answer?

c**k / rooster,

Black bird (in morning /singing type stuff)

Angel delight
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 18, 2011, 11:13:42 PM
up with the lark, I imagine.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 19, 2011, 12:02:57 AM
The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Family guy on October 19, 2011, 11:46:11 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Family guy on October 19, 2011, 11:47:51 AM
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Family guy on October 19, 2011, 11:56:13 AM

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: sans pessimism on October 19, 2011, 04:28:58 PM
Young boy to mother "Mammy, Mammy,theres a man at the door collecting for
an old folks home.....will we give him Granny?."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tyrones own on October 19, 2011, 05:45:22 PM
Somebody stole Obama's teleprompter...






He was supposedly er.. um.. speechless  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on October 19, 2011, 08:43:05 PM
Fox News: Fair and Balnced

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, "What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on October 26, 2011, 01:13:33 AM
> > A golfer, playing in Ireland, hooked his drive into the woods.  Looking
> for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on
> his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
> >
> > Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
> over the little guy, reviving him.
> >
> > 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
> >
> > 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
> >
> > 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.  Ye get three wishes, so
> whaddya want?'
> >
> > 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
> anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and apologizes.'
> >
> > And the golfer walks off.
> >
> > 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
> >
> > I have to do something for him.  I'll give him the three things I would
> want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
> life.'
> >
> > A year goes by and the golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a
> bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
> >
> > 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
> want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
> >
> > 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.  I'm an internationally famous
> golfer now.'  He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And
> tell me, how's yer money situation?'
> >
> > 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.  'When I need cash, I just
> reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
> >
> > 'I did that fer ye also. 'And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
> >
> > The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
> 'It's OK.'
> >
> > C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
> good job.  How many times a week?'
> >
> > Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
> sometimes twice a week.'
> >
> > 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's all?  Only once or
> twice a week?'
> >
> > 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
> a small parish.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on October 27, 2011, 10:08:35 PM
Difference between Dana and Martin McGuinness?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,Dana can remember her last hit.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on October 30, 2011, 09:54:22 PM
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f**k you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

------------------------------------------------------------

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing....so they bury her.

----------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

----------------------------------------------------------

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

-----------------------------------------------------------

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the f**k off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the **** in the kitchen!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A redneck is sitting on his Lay-Z-Boy, watching the game, when his daughter comes in and asks if she can borrow the car. The redneck says, "Well, I guess...but you gotta do something for me in return. Either you can suck my c**k or let me f**k you in the ass."
The daughter thinks about it for a minute, but finally decides she'd rather give a blowjob. She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, puts her mouth on his member and gags, "Ugh, this tastes like shit!"
The redneck smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, Billy already borrowed the car today."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on November 03, 2011, 03:15:04 PM
"My wife's leaving me because none of my jokes make any sense.

Now that's what I call music!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on November 03, 2011, 03:38:50 PM
I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.I knew there and then, she was the one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 06, 2011, 10:40:35 AM
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'

They think she'll do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 13, 2011, 07:43:22 PM
Allegedly taken verbatim from reports typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:


The patient has no previous history of suicide.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 13, 2011, 08:22:50 PM
I love drinking brake fluid.

My friends say I will become addicted, but I know I can stop.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on November 15, 2011, 10:51:24 PM
Einstein says to wife "I've made dinner",

Mrs Einstein inquires about what he's made.

He replies " a pie"

She asks fo the recipe / ingredients

He says I only used 3.14

She says woooooooot (she's from Lurgan)

He says I want to prove that I can have my pie and eat it

Coat hat now
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on November 15, 2011, 11:06:20 PM
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on November 16, 2011, 12:15:23 PM
A friend of mine was sacked from his job working at the dodgems. 

He is claiming funfair dismissal.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 16, 2011, 01:17:04 PM
Bump
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on November 16, 2011, 03:11:27 PM
well played.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on November 16, 2011, 03:29:20 PM
Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on November 16, 2011, 05:39:05 PM
Stolen.
:D
Quote from: ballinaman on November 16, 2011, 03:29:20 PM
Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 16, 2011, 06:03:29 PM
Twice

Quote from: Puckoon on November 16, 2011, 05:39:05 PM
Stolen.
:D
Quote from: ballinaman on November 16, 2011, 03:29:20 PM
Good news for insominacs....only 3 more sleeps till christmas!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on November 16, 2011, 08:56:27 PM
(http://images.piccsy.com/cache/images/a-cure-for-tourettes-t-shirt-172920-530-545.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on November 16, 2011, 09:12:51 PM
Facebook fun:

1. Find a group photo of some girls you know.
2. Make sure there is one blatantly obvious fat girl in the group.
3. Comment on the photo simply asking; "who is the fat one?"
4. What should happen next is you will get a lot of abuse from the friends of the fat girl suggesting that you're a horrible person etc.
5. In all this abuse someone will say something along the lines of: "Leave Jasmine alone!" or "Katie is not fat!"
6. You respond by announcing that you were not the one who pointed out the fat girl, but it was all of her friends who identified her, you did not mention any names.

WIN
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on November 16, 2011, 09:13:56 PM
I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.

"Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."

He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was on the train when a bloke came up to me and said, "Tickets please?"
I said, "Sorry mate, I'm not selling"
He said, "No sir, I'd like your ticket please"
I said, "Look here mate, there's probably a conductor on the train. You can get one from him"
He said, "I am the conductor, sir"
I said, "Then why the f**k are you asking me for one?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 18, 2011, 12:04:56 PM
The Talking Centipede   

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.  After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.   So he asked the centipede in the box,  "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.  This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,  "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"  But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.  The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.  This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,  "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!  I'm putting my shoes on!"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on November 18, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
Sent away for a hearing aid back in June....still haven't heard anything back....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on November 27, 2011, 11:45:32 PM
A little boy goes into his kitchen one day and says to his mum "Mum, Granny's got a prawn"
"What on earth do you mean?" the mother says.

The boy takes his mother and show her his granny, stark naked sleep on the sofa. He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says " Look granny's got a prawn!"

His mother whispers "That's your grandmothers clitoris son!"

To which the little boy replies......."Well it tastes like a prawn!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Up The Middle on November 28, 2011, 09:19:25 AM
Quote from: Forever Green on November 27, 2011, 11:45:32 PM
A little boy goes into his kitchen one day and says to his mum "Mum, Granny's got a prawn"
"What on earth do you mean?" the mother says.

The boy takes his mother and show her his granny, stark naked sleep on the sofa. He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says " Look granny's got a prawn!"

His mother whispers "That's your grandmothers clitoris son!"

To which the little boy replies......."Well it tastes like a prawn!

I just threw up a bit you sick wh ore :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on November 29, 2011, 02:38:51 PM
Get your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on December 02, 2011, 03:45:48 PM
Euro 2012 draw:

Ireland got Italy, Portugal and Greece.

Its been called the group of debt.

:-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 02, 2011, 10:15:14 PM
According to a recent survey, 1 in 3 children now emails, or in some other way electronically communicates, his or her Christmas wishes to Santa.

Apparently none of these services work unless you have both cookies and milk enabled on your browser.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on December 07, 2011, 10:17:27 AM
I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on December 07, 2011, 10:54:00 PM
Taken straight from Sickipedia




"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"f**k off!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 07, 2011, 11:27:23 PM
Windmill Abu,

Thanks for that, knottttttttttttttt!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 08, 2011, 12:50:37 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/HQyFk.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 08, 2011, 12:52:08 AM
Type the following words into google...


what defines an english person
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ThroughTheLaces on December 08, 2011, 07:29:14 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on December 08, 2011, 12:52:08 AM
Type the following words into google...


what defines an english person

:D deadly!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on December 08, 2011, 10:20:12 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on December 08, 2011, 12:52:08 AM
Type the following words into google...


what defines an english person

:D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haze on December 08, 2011, 01:36:39 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on December 08, 2011, 12:52:08 AM
Type the following words into google...


what defines an english person

quality!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on December 08, 2011, 02:40:00 PM
The Economic Model Using Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money .....
:o ::) :P ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on December 08, 2011, 08:11:44 PM
Disappointed by the Russian corporation one. I thought we Irish had the international reputation for excessive drinking of alcohol!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on December 08, 2011, 08:18:47 PM
Taoism: Shit happens
Hinduism: This shit happened before
Buddhism: It is only the illusion of shit happening
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit;
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?;
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you;
Rastafarianism: Smoke that shit;
Unitarianism: Who gives a shit?


http://www.northernsun.com/Religions-Ash-T-Shirt-(1432B).html
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lawnseed on December 08, 2011, 10:51:41 PM
Quote from: Fear ón Srath Bán on December 08, 2011, 02:40:00 PM
The Economic Model Using Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can't pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money .....
:o ::) :P ;)
brillant :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 09, 2011, 10:10:36 PM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me! How does the water do
that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does nothing...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on December 10, 2011, 12:25:19 AM
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looked at my watch and it said 4:33...I gave a light chuckle due to knowledge of football,
About 9 minutes later I checked again and it said 4:42...Again I laughed thinking this was quite a coincidence,
Several minutes later I checked again and it said 4:1:2:1:2...I thought theres something f**king wrong with this watch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was not liked in class at all.He was the class bookie,and every bet placed was a bet he won. So his teacher Miss Crabtree called his dad up to complain, to her surprise he hated his son's gambling ways. They both decided that they would come up with a bet that little Johnny would lose. At the end of school she held him back so she could talk with him."Johnny there will come a time when you will lose a bet and I hope I'll be there to see it"
Little Johnny scoffed and said "I never lose in fact I'll bet you 100 bucks that your bush is a black as the ace of spade"
Miss Crabtree hiked up her skirt pulled her panties down to see that indeed she had a blonde bush, with a laugh she said " You owe me 100 bucks the carpet matched the drapes now pay up!"
Little Johnny paid up and quietly left the school. Miss Crabtree called Little Johnny's dad to tell him the good news.She told him she took 100 bucks off of him and he left with his tail between his legs.The dad asked what the bet was and Miss Crabtree told him it was about the color of her bush and she showed him that he guessed wrong. The dad screamed nooooooo she asked what was wrong and he said"He bet me 10 grand that you would show him your bush!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on December 11, 2011, 01:41:36 PM
D'ya hear about the jehovah witness advent calender?
Every time you open a door someone tells you to f**k off......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on December 11, 2011, 07:38:41 PM
QuoteA woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

lol,  I think you got a bit muddled up on that part!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: vav on December 12, 2011, 09:50:04 PM
This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 12, 2011, 10:00:00 PM
Quote from: vav on December 12, 2011, 09:50:04 PM
This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS :)

You got the right thread chief - just look at the top of page 162
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: vav on December 12, 2011, 10:09:49 PM
Ohs my bad! Ah well it was so good it deserved to be posted twice ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 12, 2011, 10:43:32 PM
Quote from: vav on December 12, 2011, 09:50:04 PM
This is probably not the right thread for this but sure it's the best I can think of.. saw this on a friend's FB status!!

EVERYBODY!! GOOGLE "DEFINE AN ENGLISH PERSON" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS :)

Worth repeating in fairness :D :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on December 20, 2011, 04:50:42 PM
What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after an argument??...........

Move the furniture.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on December 20, 2011, 04:58:50 PM
Onomnomnomatopoeia:

describing the sound of a fat person eating.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on December 20, 2011, 09:09:03 PM
I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on December 20, 2011, 09:15:22 PM
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."

Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"No," says the invigilator.

"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on December 21, 2011, 08:56:01 PM
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.














Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 09, 2012, 01:51:33 PM
It is impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on January 10, 2012, 10:04:11 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompsons jacket."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: LeoMc on January 11, 2012, 08:59:12 AM
Quote from: gerrykeegan on January 10, 2012, 10:04:11 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompsons jacket."

Anthony Worrall Thompson has just brought out a new range of light finger food.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on January 11, 2012, 12:20:42 PM
Liverpool have offered £25 million & Andy Carroll for Darren Bent. Villa have rejected it. They only want the £25 million
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on January 11, 2012, 10:04:53 PM
Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend..... whats in your bag? "Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats cheese, 3 bottles of cava and bottle of blue nun and I have £4-50 left over.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on January 13, 2012, 08:11:23 PM
Anthony whorral Thompson has a new tv show coming out called ready steady run like f**k!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on January 15, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
Sex in the Office

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.



She responded...                       'The bastard used coins!'




Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on January 19, 2012, 02:45:28 PM
I've got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on January 19, 2012, 02:55:17 PM
My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face; "Cheer up" I said, "Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"

"You're fab" I said, "Thanks" she said, "You're mine" I said, "I know silly!" she chuckled,

"I love you" I said, "Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"

"Marry me" I said, She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said "Yes what?" "Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,


"f**k off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on January 19, 2012, 07:45:00 PM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old Chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on January 20, 2012, 07:36:46 PM
Some good news after the shocking story of the cruise liner running aground.

The shipping company's owners have found a new captain after someone answered the advert requesting "someone who won't hit anything".

Andy Carroll starts work there on Monday!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on January 20, 2012, 09:28:48 PM
A lot of men are delighted to find out that when they get married the woman they have committed to is a nymphomaniac....it's not long before they find out that the nympho disappears and the maniac goes nowhere :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 02, 2012, 11:31:34 PM
Q. What do you call a person without a body or a nose?








A. Nobody knows
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on February 03, 2012, 12:32:58 PM
If you keep repeating the word "gullible" it will eventually sound like "orange." Freaked me out the first time.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on February 03, 2012, 01:54:19 PM
Quote from: Orior on February 02, 2012, 11:31:34 PM
Q. What do you call a person without a body or a nose?








A. Nobody knows
Would that not be Nobody No-Knows?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tony Baloney on February 03, 2012, 04:45:27 PM
Quote from: Fionntamhnach on February 03, 2012, 04:37:15 PM
Just went to look at www.bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those folks know how to run a bus company!
:D I had no idea what I was clicking on!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 04, 2012, 12:23:19 PM

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=4564

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFE! : I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on February 10, 2012, 10:30:48 AM

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on February 10, 2012, 12:19:46 PM
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes



http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16959243

Tim Vine at his best
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on February 14, 2012, 01:46:27 PM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on February 16, 2012, 12:33:50 PM
For want of a better home for this ...

http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html (http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on February 16, 2012, 12:42:13 PM
Quote from: Hardy on February 16, 2012, 12:33:50 PM
For want of a better home for this ...

http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html (http://www.radans.net/jens/planestory.html)

Now I know where Charlie Weston from the Indo gets his platform for writing his personal finance articles from
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerry on February 22, 2012, 11:37:35 PM
She named him D!ck!

(http://65.55.40.7/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=a5dd6c4c-5d93-11e1-be6a-00215ad85744&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid:image001.jpg%4001CCEA70.C7DDCB60&shared=1&hm__login=gerardmcnabb&hm__domain=hotmail.co.uk&ip=10.12.138.8&d=d1031&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2022%20Feb%202012%2023:34:47%20GMT&st=gerardmcnabb%25hotmail.co.uk%407&hm__ha=01_e9c5839b072892b605669a35e89799f64e6193d2b0a815745064f23c36cae466&oneredir=1)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on February 23, 2012, 07:45:56 PM
Up in heaven Whitney Houston was asking God for some crack and then Frank Carson turned up.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on February 23, 2012, 08:01:01 PM
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on February 24, 2012, 09:12:11 PM
My mate - "Who sang 'that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love you're tiger feet"?
Me - "Mud"?
My mate - "that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on February 28, 2012, 10:16:23 PM
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his Fu*king' widow."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 02, 2012, 07:03:56 PM
My Mrs. and I were great Monkees fans, so I couldn't believe it when she told me Davy Jones was dead. Then I saw her face, now I'm a bereaver!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 09, 2012, 11:46:31 AM
The French delicacy Foie Gras is obtained by removing baby geese from their families, terrifying them and making them lead miserable, sordid existences against their will before finally allowing them to be slaughtered in cold blood at a very young age, by which point death is almost certainly the best option for them anyway.

Still, what's good for the goose is good for Uganda.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on March 11, 2012, 11:57:52 PM
My son burst through the front door this morning and said, "can I have two pounds for candy, please?"

"Hold on a second, we call 'candy' sweets in England. In America they call 'sweets' candy." I told him.

He said, "okay, whatever, but the new girl who has moved in down the street is called Candy. She said that if me and my mates give her 2 pounds each she will show us her tits."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fernando Torres is the proud holder of a new footballing record.

He is now averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on March 29, 2012, 05:43:29 PM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

On the other hand, there appears to be a drop in the number of suicide bombings, attributed largely to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 04, 2012, 10:00:38 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 04, 2012, 11:42:12 AM
Frozen windows                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Text message from Wife to husband at work :-


"Windows frozen - what will I do?"


Husband :-


"Spray on de-icer, or use hot water!"


Wife - a few minutes later :-


"Done that, now computer won't work at all".




Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on April 06, 2012, 09:03:39 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Dublin airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: An Gaeilgoir on April 06, 2012, 09:14:04 PM
for the day thats in it:

How do you make an elephant cross? Nail two of them together!!!

What do you call an egg on the back of a motorbike? A mad yoke!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 13, 2012, 11:03:02 PM
Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/ (http://www.dailytorygraph.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on April 13, 2012, 11:27:37 PM
Quote from: muppet on April 13, 2012, 11:03:02 PM
Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/ (http://www.dailytorygraph.com/)

Can you exemplify?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 13, 2012, 11:31:17 PM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on April 13, 2012, 11:27:37 PM
Quote from: muppet on April 13, 2012, 11:03:02 PM
Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/ (http://www.dailytorygraph.com/)

Can you exemplify?

(http://www.dailytorygraph.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/IMG_0063-700x522.jpg)

(http://www.dailytorygraph.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/IMG_0062-700x522.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on April 13, 2012, 11:41:13 PM
That doesn't do anything for me. At a stretch, there's maybe something in Clegg's knickers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 14, 2012, 12:05:51 AM
Quote from: Niall Quinn on April 13, 2012, 11:41:13 PM
That doesn't do anything for me. At a stretch, there's maybe something in Clegg's knickers.

Tell you what, you check that out and I'll stick with the schoolyard humour.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on April 18, 2012, 10:07:47 AM
Jordan has given assurances Abu Qatada will get the treatment he deserves.


If he buys her a kebab she'll suck him off.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: quit yo jibbajabba on April 20, 2012, 03:47:25 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)

that, my friend, is very funny  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 20, 2012, 04:15:14 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on April 18, 2012, 10:07:47 AM
Jordan has given assurances Abu Qatada will get the treatment he deserves.


If he buys her a kebab she'll suck him off.


;D ;D Excellent!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Square Ball on April 20, 2012, 05:05:41 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)

got that in work and was coming on here to post it, its one of the funniest things I have read in a long time
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 20, 2012, 06:12:51 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)

Brilliant, but once again I find myself wondering what Orior was Googling for when he found that.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Captain Obvious on April 20, 2012, 06:24:58 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)
Hilarious reviews.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on April 23, 2012, 11:00:46 PM
(http://desmond.yfrog.com/Himg878/scaled.php?tn=0&server=878&filename=wfolnk.jpg&xsize=640&ysize=640)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 23, 2012, 11:59:42 PM
Quote from: Fionntamhnach on April 23, 2012, 11:12:16 PM
My girlfriend has just given birth to our first child. During labour she was lying on her back and screaming my name to my face with the drugs kicking in. I was pissing myself laughing as that was more or less what happened when I got her pregnant in the first place...

Yes, she screamed my name too  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on April 27, 2012, 12:20:15 AM
"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Don't mess around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Sorry, Neil."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 27, 2012, 09:55:35 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on April 27, 2012, 12:20:15 AM
"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Don't mess around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Sorry, Neil."

There works on about 3 different levels. And probably more on a place with not much gravity.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 27, 2012, 03:32:44 PM
Sorry if this has been posted before.


Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin . She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Mary's gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary's bar. He so informs Mary.

Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since, Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Mary's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary's bar.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on April 27, 2012, 03:36:50 PM
‎"Do you like pie?"
"Yes."
"Do you like blueberries?"
"Yes."
"I have something you won't like."
"Is it a blueberry pie?"
"No, I shagged your wife last night".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ludraman on May 01, 2012, 09:43:16 PM
(http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/540461_352053378176517_100001155729072_840770_268744233_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 02, 2012, 12:05:41 AM
Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A. Dam.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on May 02, 2012, 04:54:48 PM
Quote from: muppet on April 20, 2012, 06:12:51 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 20, 2012, 03:26:29 PM
Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD)

Brilliant, but once again I find myself wondering what Orior was Googling for when he found that.

Yeah, have to agree, but just glimpsed at it, what's the product? Will it work on my back lawn; ignore the pun?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on May 09, 2012, 03:10:20 PM
My wife says shes leaving me for another man because I'm too obsessed with football.

"is it on loan or a transfer?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 09, 2012, 03:42:17 PM
Quote from: Mayo4Sam on May 09, 2012, 03:10:20 PM
My wife says shes leaving me for another man because I'm too obsessed with football.

"is it on loan or a transfer?"

Someone from this board entered the National Weather Forecasting Championship last weekend.

And they beat the raining champion.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on May 15, 2012, 02:41:01 PM
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on May 15, 2012, 03:53:32 PM
I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "amazing legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so?". I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on May 15, 2012, 11:34:07 PM
It might be rainy and cold but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.
Now is the winter of disco tent
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on May 16, 2012, 09:10:21 AM
Quote from: Mayo4Sam on May 15, 2012, 11:34:07 PM
It might be rainy and cold but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.
Now is the winter of disco tent

Sounds like the first few lines of a Mark E. Smith song.  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on May 16, 2012, 11:33:26 PM
How does Mickey Mouse tell the time?

On his Liverpool FC watch of course!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on May 17, 2012, 11:32:39 AM
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?







He wanted tequila
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on May 20, 2012, 09:40:47 PM
Told my wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage"

She said "are you having me on?"

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on May 21, 2012, 12:40:21 AM
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're both lawyers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 23, 2012, 10:04:25 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on May 15, 2012, 02:41:01 PM
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

Excel-lent.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on May 23, 2012, 11:31:13 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 23, 2012, 10:04:25 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on May 15, 2012, 02:41:01 PM
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

Excel-lent.
If its password protected he mightn't get Access to it. The Outlook would be bleak for the Tools then.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on May 24, 2012, 12:32:35 AM
QuoteTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

You have no style. Your work has come to a full stop.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on May 25, 2012, 08:50:33 AM
Delete....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on May 29, 2012, 05:12:37 PM
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend, there was a guy on the floor giving it socks , breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. Wife turns to me and sez, "see that guy?. 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down" I said, "I see, thats probably why hes still f**king celebrating"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on June 01, 2012, 08:53:15 PM
What's the difference between your wife and your job?



After 5 years, your job still sucks.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on June 15, 2012, 06:35:18 PM
The Irish Soccer team visited an orphanage in Poland today.
"Ah look, don't they all look so, so sad"  -  said a little boy called Irec aged 6.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 15, 2012, 09:42:31 PM
My dog is a terrible dancer, so I asked her "why can you not dance?".

And my dog replied "Well, I've got two left feet"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on June 15, 2012, 11:46:16 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 15, 2012, 09:42:31 PM
My dog is a terrible dancer, so I asked her "why can you not dance?".

And my dog replied "Well, I've got two left feet"

That's ruff :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 15, 2012, 11:48:23 PM
You expect to find left footers on a Gaa board.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on June 16, 2012, 10:04:20 AM
When asked by a reporter if he was worried about having no Wayne, Roy Hodgson replied...

I haven't saw the forecast
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggy90 on June 16, 2012, 11:31:05 AM
That's a cwacker!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on June 17, 2012, 08:03:09 AM
@FootballFunnys: Shay Given "Im quitting International football" Couldn't he have waited till after Euro 2012 instead of during the Spain match?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on June 17, 2012, 04:19:32 PM
Quote from: Mayo4Sam on June 17, 2012, 08:03:09 AM
@FootballFunnys: Shay Given "Im quitting International football" Couldn't he have waited till after Euro 2012 instead of during the Spain match?

You got up at 8 on a Sunday to post that? Have a lie in next week.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on June 17, 2012, 07:44:14 PM
I got a new step ladder today.

I only wish I had gotten to know my real ladder.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 19, 2012, 02:48:24 PM
Q. What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

A. Two Thirty
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on June 19, 2012, 03:05:53 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 19, 2012, 02:48:24 PM
Q. What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

A. Two Thirty
Why a Chinese man?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 19, 2012, 03:07:35 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on June 19, 2012, 03:05:53 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 19, 2012, 02:48:24 PM
Q. What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

A. Two Thirty
Why a Chinese man?

Probably. Who too.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on June 19, 2012, 03:11:41 PM
How do you know there is a ceili band at your door?

There are two knocks and then they all come in together!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on June 19, 2012, 03:44:31 PM
Golf Ethical Question

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and
the match was halved at the end of 17 holes?

You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards
to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the
right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look
for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent
says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in
time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet
from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim
from deep in the woods: "I found it!".

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a
ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the
green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.


Now here is the ethical dilemma:






Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront
him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on June 19, 2012, 04:28:30 PM
What does Terry Venables have in common with Essex girls?

Both prefer Seaman to Flowers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gazzler on June 19, 2012, 07:02:00 PM
Quote from: Orior on June 19, 2012, 02:48:24 PM
Q. What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

A. Two Thirty

I don't get it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on June 19, 2012, 07:14:38 PM
Tooth Hurtee

Reported to moderator for being racist!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Dougal Maguire on June 20, 2012, 10:08:58 PM
I read that joke in the Dandy Annual in 1970
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on June 20, 2012, 10:19:06 PM
It wasn't funny then either.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on June 21, 2012, 09:32:59 AM
Quote from: Dougal Maguire on June 20, 2012, 10:08:58 PM
I read that joke in the Dandy Annual in 1970

I know but it's Orior telling so give him a bit of leeway... ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 21, 2012, 10:03:00 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on June 19, 2012, 03:11:41 PM
How do you know there is a ceili band at your door?

There are two knocks and then they all come in together!

Very good. And for those that dont believe....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W-N8JeVTM0&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W-N8JeVTM0&feature=related)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on June 24, 2012, 12:05:47 PM
Border Collie for sale. Come, Buy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on June 30, 2012, 09:36:15 AM
I was in australia with the wife recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet,

I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,

"Doc, please help me"

"Hey, what s up man?"

"My wife has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks doc, bye"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 30, 2012, 12:39:07 PM
At Polish immigration -

Name?
- Angela Merkel.

Occupation?
- Not this time - just here for the football.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on June 30, 2012, 01:29:50 PM
A threesome is sex between three people.
A twosome is sex between two people.
I now know why they call you handsome!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on July 05, 2012, 10:28:53 AM
The Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church. Priest says "What are you doing here?" HB says "You can't have mass without me"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on July 05, 2012, 11:20:24 AM
Quote from: southdown on July 05, 2012, 10:28:53 AM
The Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church. Priest says "What are you doing here?" HB says "You can't have mass without me"

As much as its topical, I'd say you'd get some blank faces telling that in company.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: upmonaghansayswe on July 05, 2012, 11:27:12 AM
(http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/552649_439865759377026_1198314330_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 05, 2012, 12:50:07 PM
Quote from: southdown on July 05, 2012, 10:28:53 AM
The Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church. Priest says "What are you doing here?" HB says "You can't have mass without me"

Very good
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 10, 2012, 10:43:47 AM
Halfway through my shift at Boots yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.

Naturally, I had a little peek at them as I handed them over.

"Would you like the negatives?" I asked.

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.

I said "Ok then, your wife's got saggy tits, a fat arse and she should think about giving her fanny a good trim"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 10, 2012, 03:50:30 PM
If you are over 40 yrs old you MUST take this
Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


answers below


.
.
.
.
.
                .

Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You're a Pervert!!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 10, 2012, 03:59:51 PM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on July 10, 2012, 04:29:30 PM
FINGLAS FLOOD APPEAL

Finglas was hit badly by floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering  ' Whaa da bleedin story?  Aaaaaawright bud' and 'fuuuuuucksake'.
The flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas that held historic burnt out cars were destroyed. Many locals were awakened well before their welfare cheques arrived.

RTE News reported that many residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by criminals. One Resident, Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15yr old mother of five said "It was a fuc***g shock, me little Chardonay Mercedes cem runnin inta me bedruem cryin, me youngest two, Tyler Morgan and Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all, but I was bleedin shakin watching fuc***g Rikki Lake in da morning.

Apparantly though, looting, muggings and incidental crime, like shootings did carry on as usual. The Irish Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas and John Player Blue to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include Welfare Books and Jewellery including thousands of Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and some Fine Bone China from Tommie's Wonderland of Value.

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing and parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster, clothing is most sought after and items that would be appreciated are;
CLOTHES
Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
Hoodies (any type)
Tommy Hilfiger Track Suits (His & Hers)
Niki/Adidas Shell Suits (female)
White Donnay Sports Socks, Rockport Boots or any items sold in TK Max
Anything from Magic or Unique

FOOD
McCains Oven Chips
Heinz Baked Beans
Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
Coke/Fanta
Strongbow Cider
Smirnoff Ice
John Player Blue (15's)
22c will buy a biro for filling in the bookie slips and compensation claims. 5 euro will buy a bag of chips and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine or 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on July 10, 2012, 10:14:11 PM
My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 12, 2012, 09:28:43 PM
Stolen from Belfast Craic's Facebook page... ;D ;D



fifty shades of grey...IRISH STYLE
As always the Irish have found the funny side of something. Here's a few classics from the Irish take on Fifty Shades of Grey:

'
... Give it to me, give it to me', he roared aggressively. Some days Mary hated working at Ulster Bank.

He slipped his hand under the red silk.. "You're so beautiful in that dress." "F*ck off, it was only a euro in Penneys!"

Bríd's knees were sore and her throat was raw...This was the longest Novena she'd ever attended.

You're so tight, he said, I'm from Cavan she replied.

Slowly he ran his finger down the middle, parting the pink softness, feeling the moist sticky centre. He loved a Mikado.

'She Quivered as I stroked her thighs. 'Take me in the shower Sean!' I whispered to her 'Wait til I turn on the immersion'

'Her underwear was wet as he pulled the rope. There's great drying out today she thought as the clothes line hoisted'

She wrapped her fingers around it and greedily pulled it towards her lips.20 bottles for 15 quid at Centra Mick! Bargain!

'its so long!Never seen the likes of it!' exclaimed maire, as she joined the dole queue

She widened her mouth, trying to fit it all in!! Juices ran down her face. Mary did love a kebab after coppers

She was panting as she let out one final scream of pure pleasure. There was nothing like beating Kilkenny in the hurling

She took a deep breath as the shivers rolled down her hot body... Jaysus, she thought. The vichs is kicking in now!

Come on! Pump it hard.. Real hard! But it was no use the tyre was definitely punctured!

He asked if she could handle more than one finger. She said she preferred Hob Nobs or a purple Schnack with her tea

'Spread 'em', he said gruffly. Margie looked dolefully at the bags of fertilizer destined for the back field
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on July 12, 2012, 09:49:43 PM
That's funny
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 14, 2012, 09:04:40 PM
Two boys at Royal Ascot.

One boy says "would you like the winner of the next race?"

The other boy says "no thanks, I've only got a small garden"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on July 16, 2012, 04:58:08 PM
A bloke walks into WH Smiths and says: " Do you have that self help book for men with small cocks?"

Female assistant replies: " I dont think it's in yet."

He replies: " yeah that's the one!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on July 25, 2012, 09:29:48 AM
Unintentionally inappropriate domain names.

http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/unintentionally-inappropriate-domain-names/

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Santino on July 25, 2012, 09:28:38 PM
Reminds me of this one
www.bigbustycoons.com
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on July 29, 2012, 08:49:17 PM
During the recent royal visit to NI, Martin McGuinness asked the Queen what she thought of County Down.
She replied, "it's not the same since Carol Vorderman left."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on August 02, 2012, 12:40:05 PM
I was in the DVD shop last night and asked "Can I have Batman Forever?"

She replied "No, you can have it for 2 nights."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on August 02, 2012, 12:41:13 PM
Breaking news:

Craig David has had a late call up to the GB olympic archery team.

....
...

He's the bow-selector. :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on August 03, 2012, 02:35:11 PM
They might give Peter Quinnn a shout to do the marathon now that he resides in UK territory, he is sure a fast runner !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on August 03, 2012, 02:39:00 PM
Quote from: southdown on August 02, 2012, 12:40:05 PM
I was in the DVD shop last night and asked "Can I have Batman Forever?"

She replied "No, you can have it for 2 nights."

I f**king love that!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on August 04, 2012, 04:16:28 PM


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? '
' NO! ' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,
would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ' NO! '

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting with pride for them.





I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on August 09, 2012, 05:39:28 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to find the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. However, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous; had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would be her horrible deformed self half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?











Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

things are going to get ugly.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on August 09, 2012, 07:41:58 PM
No offence AOAS but I want that minute back please!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on August 09, 2012, 09:38:13 PM
Me too
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: glens73 on August 13, 2012, 11:50:43 AM
http://t.co/uJsur7yt

Kerry out of the All-Ireland, now Gooch is in trouble on the Jeremy Kyle show.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on August 13, 2012, 12:58:58 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on August 09, 2012, 05:39:28 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to find the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. However, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous; had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would be her horrible deformed self half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?











Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

things are going to get ugly.

AOAS, You need your hole kicked!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 21, 2012, 09:50:58 PM
Top ten from Edinburgh

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on August 21, 2012, 10:08:31 PM
Quote from: Orior on August 21, 2012, 09:50:58 PM
Top ten from Edinburgh

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

You'd pick out the woman comedian in that so easily.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on August 27, 2012, 03:32:18 PM
So Lance and Neil have had a bad week.

Let's hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time unscathed
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on August 28, 2012, 01:52:48 AM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife text me tonight: "Do you think you could pick up 8 pints of milk?"


I text back, "No, my hands are not that big".



Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on August 28, 2012, 11:55:44 PM
I started stacking shelves at Asda today.

The young bloke who I was working with told me I really should fill out an application form first.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If there was such a thing as a Dog...

Then he wouldn't make people Dyslexic

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I once said to Eamonn Holmes "It must be a real struggle getting out of bed every morning"

He said he actually couldn't wait to get to work - that working on Sky News every day was really invigorating. "With every new dawn comes new stories and it's a pleasure to be able to broadcast them to the world."

I replied "No, I meant because you're such a fat ****"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Attention to gingers.
Never get a brazillian as it looks like a fish finger

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on September 10, 2012, 09:42:13 PM
stolen from Ted ‏@ItsTalkingTed


Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus...and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on September 10, 2012, 11:10:58 PM
Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: LeoMc on September 11, 2012, 08:41:06 AM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on September 10, 2012, 11:10:58 PM
Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I read that in Tuckers accent. Great to see that show back again.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on September 11, 2012, 10:02:18 AM
I went to an interview the other day. The lady said ... if you want anything my name is Jill. i said wow, you're the first person I have meet that has a conditional identity. what do I call you if I don't want something?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 11, 2012, 10:37:59 AM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on September 10, 2012, 11:10:58 PM
Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I haven't seen the show. If this is typical of the writing I must give it a watch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 11, 2012, 10:53:24 AM
Quote from: Declan on September 11, 2012, 10:02:18 AM
I went to an interview the other day. The lady said ... if you want anything my name is Jill. i said wow, you're the first person I have meet that has a conditional identity. what do I call you if I don't want something?

Very good
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 11, 2012, 04:50:40 PM
Quote from: Hardy on September 11, 2012, 10:37:59 AM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on September 10, 2012, 11:10:58 PM
Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I haven't seen the show. If this is typical of the writing I must give it a watch.

Yep, Tucker is f**king brilliant.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on September 11, 2012, 08:07:39 PM
Tucker's Law, the embroidered version.

(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kwnk8tQVqB1qzpwi0o1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 11, 2012, 08:36:03 PM
Its not that funny when you skip the swear words
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Forever Green on September 12, 2012, 01:20:23 AM
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

-----------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was not liked in class at all.He was the class bookie,and every bet placed was a bet he won. So his teacher Miss Crabtree called his dad up to complain, to her surprise he hated his son's gambling ways. They both decided that they would come up with a bet that little Johnny would lose. At the end of school she held him back so she could talk with him."Johnny there will come a time when you will lose a bet and I hope I'll be there to see it"
Little Johnny scoffed and said "I never lose in fact I'll bet you 100 bucks that your bush is a black as the ace of spade"
Miss Crabtree hiked up her skirt pulled her panties down to see that indeed she had a blonde bush, with a laugh she said " You owe me 100 bucks the carpet matched the drapes now pay up!"
Little Johnny paid up and quietly left the school. Miss Crabtree called Little Johnny's dad to tell him the good news.She told him she took 100 bucks off of him and he left with his tail between his legs.The dad asked what the bet was and Miss Crabtree told him it was about the color of her bush and she showed him that he guessed wrong. The dad screamed nooooooo she asked what was wrong and he said"He bet me 10 grand that you would show him your bush!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to see my dylexic friend on Sunday to find him rubbing shoe polish on his penis. "You f**king idiot, l told you to turn your clock back"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was tucking into some sausages yesterday when I saw my wife sucking her portion seductively.

"Would you like me to do this to your's?" she asked, playing with her hair.

"Sure," I replied, handing over my plate. "You've put me off it anyway."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This woman came up to me in a club last night.

"Hello," she said.

"Aaaaargh!" I shrieked. "Why have you got a tattoo on your face?!"

She looked down. "It's a birthmark," she said sadly.

"Oh," I said. "Why would you want a tattoo of a birthmark?"

Then she walked off. f**king weirdo.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: upmonaghansayswe on September 12, 2012, 11:16:23 AM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on September 10, 2012, 11:10:58 PM
Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

Just watched the 1st episode of In the Thick of It on youtube.. Mighty show!.. Never heard of this fella or sitcom before.. And from his best bits in that "In the Loop" film, it looks like a good watch too!.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 20, 2012, 09:08:14 AM
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on September 20, 2012, 01:20:11 PM
I enjoyed watching Ellie Simmons in the Paralympics. A real star. I bet her dad's happy.....Or sneezy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 25, 2012, 10:58:15 AM
MOVIE CLICHES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road you must turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. And you never, ever lock your car

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage

The amount of time a person will remain unconscious from a blow to the head can be timed precisely, dependant on the force of the blow

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one

The average hotel pool is deep enough for you to survive a fall from any floor

An Asian crime lord will always have a beautiful daughter named either "Jade" or "Lotus Blossom

Travelling between any two points in New York City will always take you past the Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, and the New York Public Library

By the 23rd Century, everyone in the human race will be beautiful. Humanity will compensate for this by wearing awful clothes
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on September 25, 2012, 12:17:14 PM
On a motorbike chase you will always hear gears changing
Numbers in a phone book are found instantly and the actor always rips out the page.
Phone numbers in USA all start with 555
A countdown clock to when the bomb could explode killing our hero - 1 second in reality = 1 minute in the film
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 25, 2012, 12:32:48 PM
Cars always blow up when subject to any collision.
Even very smart people don't seem able to reconnect the phone wires when the bad guy pulls the phone from the wall.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 25, 2012, 04:40:37 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on September 20, 2012, 01:20:11 PM
I enjoyed watching Ellie Simmons in the Paralympics. A real star. I bet her dad's happy.....Or sneezy.

(http://foib.org/foib.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on September 25, 2012, 08:37:48 PM
Would love this to be true!

@colmtobin: Heard from a reliable source today that when Brian Cowen walked into the meeting on the night of the bank guarantee everyone shouted "Norm!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on September 25, 2012, 09:53:43 PM
Is that a pic of Jose Mourinho??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on October 02, 2012, 01:39:20 PM
Went to salsa classes last night.
I looked a right **** when I turned up with a big bag of Doritos.

...


Winzip files are becoming rar these days.


........


My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

.....

"I can't wait 2 C U tonight. XXX"

"Me neither. The Pacifier."

"The Pacifier? WTF?"

"Sorry, I thought we were ending our texts with Vin Diesel movies."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on October 19, 2012, 12:01:25 PM
(http://i648.photobucket.com/albums/uu206/Hardyarse/google.png)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on October 19, 2012, 01:03:44 PM
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BennyHarp on October 19, 2012, 03:56:20 PM
After the controversy surrounding Wonga.com's sponsorship deal with Newcastle, Alan Pardew was worried about how it would effect his players. He has told them to forget about the whole situation and go out on Sunday against Sunderland and give 4500%.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 19, 2012, 09:44:18 PM
Another "Overheard in Dublin" classic.


At Heuston, heard a girl ask a lady where the Luas was "They're over there beside the men's luas" she said, pointing at the Ladies Toilets"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on October 23, 2012, 08:36:41 PM
That reminds me of another Overheard In Dublin one about the posh lady with a young lad getting on the bus in O'Connell Street and when asking for the tickets she says to the driver "One and a half to the Mater Hospital please" and the young lad pipes up "But Ma, we are not going to the Mater, we are going to the Joy to see Da"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 23, 2012, 09:14:41 PM
With apologies those those in the free state but....

The funniest thing I heard on the radio this week was Master Alex Attwood Esquire talking about 'Nootownards'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on October 24, 2012, 07:35:38 AM
QuoteAt Heuston, heard a girl ask a lady where the Luas was "They're over there beside the men's luas" she said, pointing at the Ladies Toilets"

Brilliant ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 26, 2012, 04:56:17 PM
Tony Blackburn is invited to a pool party by Noel Edmunds. He turns up with Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter.."You deaf cnut" Noel says," I said a pair of speedos."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 14, 2012, 03:30:16 PM
A friend of mine gave me a racing snail, and I entered it in a few races but it came last every time.

In an attempt to make the snail go quicker, I took its shell off, but that only made it more sluggish.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 14, 2012, 03:33:26 PM
I once took a stuffed dog onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Oooh" said the presenter "this is a very rare breed. Do you have any idea what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

"Sticks" says I.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on November 14, 2012, 03:36:57 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, " I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on November 16, 2012, 07:50:17 PM
First Jimmy Saville and now Dave Lee Travis, the while worlds fine mad!!  Next you'll be telling me that the Free Presbyterians are filming people on the bog!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on November 19, 2012, 02:18:09 PM
Who says multiple choice tests don't allow students to express themselves creatively.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/A8ECJz3CQAAXaE7.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 19, 2012, 02:34:56 PM
A fella goes into the greengrocers  and asks, "can I have a head of broccoli?"
"Sorry", says the greengrocer, "I don't have any broccoli. It's not broccoli season yet."
"Oh, OK", says the fella and he leaves.

A little while later the same fella walks into the greengrocers again. "Any broccoli?", he asks.
"No", says the greengrocer. "Didn't I tell you there's no broccoli? It's out of season. You won't get broccoli anywhere for a few months yet."
"Ah, I see", says the fella and he goes away.

After a few minutes, he's back again. "Any broccoli in?"
"Look", says the greengrocer, "let me answer you with a few questions. First, how do you spell 'dog' in 'dogwood'?"
"D-O-G", says the fella.

"How do you spell 'cat' in 'catfish'?"
"C-A-T".

"And how do you spell 'f**k' in 'broccoli'?"
"There's no 'f**k' in 'broccoli'."
"There you go!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on November 19, 2012, 02:59:59 PM
Reminds me of ...

A rabbit goes into a greengrocers and asks 'any cabbage?'  Greengrocer replies 'sorry, none today'.  Rabbit leaves.

An hour passes and the rabbit returns to the shop, asking 'any cabbage?', to which the greengrocer replies patiently, 'sorry, still none today'.  Rabbit leaves again.

Another hour passes and the rabbit returns, asking 'any cabbage?'  The greengrocer, annoyed now, replies 'I have no cabbage today; if you ask again I will nail your head to that wall.  Rabbit leaves.

An hour passes and the rabbit returns.  The grocer bristles expectantly, and the rabbit inquires 'any nails?'  The grocer, confused, replies 'eh, no.'  The rabbit asks 'any cabbage?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on November 19, 2012, 03:14:59 PM
Did you hear about the dead lettuce? Big turnip at the funeral
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on November 19, 2012, 07:11:59 PM
What do you do with a dead Chemist?

Barium
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on November 19, 2012, 09:27:19 PM
I went to the zoo the other day!

There was only one dog in it!

It was a shihtzu! ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on November 23, 2012, 02:35:06 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/A8Y99UfCcAAVCgd.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on November 28, 2012, 10:37:51 AM
Just putting out the bins this morning and a lady walks by who for the fifth time in as many years is pregnant.
'Congratulations - again' sez I.
'Yeah, thanks she sez, must be something in the air around here'
Well sez I, 'did you ever think it might be your fooking legs'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on November 29, 2012, 12:11:27 PM
Who to insure your sex life with:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust
Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare
Sex with a ladyboy – Confused.com
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on November 29, 2012, 10:08:37 PM
When I was at school, my favourite class was Geography, which I was naturally good at, and the teacher, a genius, and I got on famously.
Ah, the memories.... I wouldn't swap those days for all the tea in Denmark.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fender on December 07, 2012, 12:33:14 AM
Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were talking a psychology class.

Teacher asks Englishman "whats the opposite of joy?" to which he replies "sorrow"

He asks Scotsman, " whats the opposite of depression?" to which he says "happiness!"

He then asks Irishman "whats the opposite of woe?"

Irishman replies "giddy up"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 19, 2012, 12:42:13 PM
(http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2012/12/17/329385-best-mayan-calendar-jokes-and-memes-people-find-end-of-the-world-funny.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 07, 2013, 11:50:10 AM
Exciting new VHI Plan

You're retired and ill and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. What do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You then shoot four Politicians!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison. There you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

Who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that's just told you they can't afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.

Is this a great country or what?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on January 07, 2013, 12:39:22 PM
Sign me up ...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gerrykeegan on January 07, 2013, 01:05:42 PM
Quote from: Hardy on January 07, 2013, 11:50:10 AM
Exciting new VHI Plan

You're retired and ill and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. What do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You then shoot four Politicians!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison. There you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

Who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that's just told you they can't afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.Is this a great country or what?

Proceeds of crime, taxed under Schedule D Case IV s.18 (2) TCA 1997
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on January 07, 2013, 01:18:23 PM
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on January 10, 2013, 01:46:30 PM
the old puns are the best

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds .

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!

Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 10, 2013, 11:24:59 PM
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop
her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and
asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


For some reason, wives tend to like this joke......
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Declan on January 11, 2013, 01:55:28 PM
Was going to put this on the Roruy McIlroy thread ;)

Northern Ireland National Identity


So this is for the benefit of all my friends who are confused or alarmed by the recent images being broadcast around the world, given that we are now 15 years into the peace process..

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning 'placebo', or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and bi-products. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are totally opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

I trust this clarifies things and has answered many previously unanswered questions for you
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 11, 2013, 04:45:09 PM
Excellent.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 11, 2013, 04:46:16 PM
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower - Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".

Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Coot's widow.'
"She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on January 15, 2013, 04:00:41 PM
It was December 1987 and a Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg at night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on January 15, 2013, 04:58:01 PM
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 15, 2013, 05:23:40 PM
Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 15, 2013, 05:24:59 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 15, 2013, 05:23:40 PM
Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?

Keith Chegwin.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 15, 2013, 05:38:39 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 15, 2013, 05:23:40 PM
Who had kidnapped Billy Boots and Laoislad, and replaced them with these people who recycle old jokes?

There are new jokes?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristo 60 on January 15, 2013, 05:43:07 PM
If that was a new joke it would have been a skillet and not a frying pan and joanne would have been trevor or mike or maybe alphonsus.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 15, 2013, 09:08:32 PM
I had to get the wife a birthday present so dashed down town today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.

Feck it, I'll stick a tenner in her card.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 15, 2013, 09:24:30 PM
I just passed a man who had parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road.

I don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring, though.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 16, 2013, 10:23:00 AM
Yesterday I was so hungry I could eat a ....,

So I bought some Tesco burgers. Well, I horsed them into me.

And all last night I had the trots.

But this morning I'm feeling stable. What were the odds on that?

Tonight I'm gonna try Tesco's Unicorn on the Cob.

Breaking news: Tesco barcodes getting confused by zebras running around the stores.

No more jokes - I'm flogging a dead horse here.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on January 16, 2013, 10:33:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 16, 2013, 11:00:46 AM
Quote from: seafoid on January 16, 2013, 10:33:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia

Freudian slip there seafoid?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 16, 2013, 01:30:21 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 16, 2013, 11:00:46 AM
Quote from: seafoid on January 16, 2013, 10:33:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_78_2d85YQ

Stewart Hall on chain store nostalgia

Freudian slip there seafoid?

;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on January 16, 2013, 01:33:55 PM
I just had to check my burgers in the fridge..... and they're off!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on January 16, 2013, 05:57:09 PM
People in the Gaeltacht areas of Ireland have nothing to fear about the horse burger scandal. Tesco said they have only sold a capall in those areas ;)


Gheobhaidh mé mo chóta...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on January 16, 2013, 07:33:39 PM
Tesco meatballs for tea tonight, I love them, they're the dogs bollox.

Tesco burger walks into a bar. "Pint please"
"I can't hear you" says the barman.
"Sorry" replies the burger. "I'm a little bit horse".

I heard that Iceland are doing a mini-burger now. The Shetland.

I clicked on burgers on the Tesco website, then selected 'add to cart'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: highorlow on January 18, 2013, 09:27:00 PM
Went to buy a burger just now and the girl asked 'would you like anything on it' i said feck it i'll have a fiver each way.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on January 20, 2013, 07:22:37 AM
Tesco have special offers starting Monday.It is on all burgers and fuel,they are giving 500 points.
But they say it`s only for fuels and horses. :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cadence on January 20, 2013, 10:19:23 AM
man goes into shop and asks for a packet of rothmans. shop keeper says he's no rothmans and would he like anything else. man says a box of matches.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on January 20, 2013, 06:32:29 PM
Quoteman goes into shop and asks for a packet of rothmans. shop keeper says he's no rothmans and would he like anything else. man says a box of matches.
??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on February 17, 2013, 10:42:33 PM
Posh & Becks climb into a cab at Heathrow & head into town.

Naturally the driver is a bit chatty what with thick & thin in the back. Been on 'oliday ave yers?

Yeah, says Becks, we was in New York, loved it mate, sky scrapers, Americans & everything. Only for the weekend though. We went to a brilliant restaurant, what was it called?...I can't think of the name...arggh! What was it? 'Ere mate name me some stations in London will you?

The cabby says Waterloo?

Becks says no, that's not it.

- Euston?

No.

- Paddington?

No, no.

Victoria?

That's it! exclaims Beckham - Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Apparently so on February 17, 2013, 11:27:36 PM
My 13-year-old son came home from school today and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied, "What is it?"

He said, "There's a pretty girl in my class who keeps flirting with me. She has great tits and is dirty as hell, but she has a boyfriend. What would you do if you were in my situation?"

"About 4 years in prison." I replied.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 21, 2013, 09:28:12 PM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aristo 60 on February 22, 2013, 04:56:32 PM
Quote from: hardstation on February 21, 2013, 09:29:22 PM
What's blue and full of haribo?


Kevin Webster's overalls.

Is this a new story line on Coronation Street were the writers actually script Michael Le Vell's character Kevin as a Kiddy Fiddler (art reflecting life etc.)??

That seems like an extraordinary thing for them to do especially after the current problems the BBC are having in the aftermath of the Jimmy Saville scandal.

Or are you speaking tripe?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on February 22, 2013, 06:56:31 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on June 19, 2012, 07:14:38 PM
Tooth Hurtee

Reported to moderator for being racist!

;D

Wrong on so many levels but ffs, have you read some of the posts on here?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: LeoMc on February 22, 2013, 10:14:24 PM
Quote from: Aristo 60 on February 22, 2013, 04:56:32 PM
Quote from: hardstation on February 21, 2013, 09:29:22 PM
What's blue and full of haribo?


Kevin Webster's overalls.

Is this a new story line on Coronation Street were the writers actually script Michael Le Vell's character Kevin as a Kiddy Fiddler (art reflecting life etc.)??

That seems like an extraordinary thing for them to do especially after the current problems the BBC are having in the aftermath of the Jimmy Saville scandal.

Or are you speaking tripe?
Maybe he is telling a joke on the jokes page!
Just a thought.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Apparently so on February 23, 2013, 01:09:40 PM
Quote from: Aristo 60 on February 22, 2013, 04:56:32 PM
Quote from: hardstation on February 21, 2013, 09:29:22 PM
What's blue and full of haribo?


Kevin Webster's overalls.

Is this a new story line on Coronation Street were the writers actually script Michael Le Vell's character Kevin as a Kiddy Fiddler (art reflecting life etc.)??

That seems like an extraordinary thing for them to do especially after the current problems the BBC are having in the aftermath of the Jimmy Saville scandal.

Or are you speaking tripe?

:D  :D  :D

Brilliant
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on March 05, 2013, 05:40:12 PM
After a night of passion, Oscar Pistorios's new girlfriend snuggles in and asks " Oscar,did you really mean to kill her ?"...."Why do you ask love?" He says....." It's just", she says....."I'm really busting for a piss ....."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 05, 2013, 07:10:14 PM
What's got two legs and kills women?


The Pistorius brothers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 07, 2013, 01:06:03 PM
I love bacon. Do you?

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/i-am-the-greatest-thing-of-all-time-says-bacon-2013030761993 (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/i-am-the-greatest-thing-of-all-time-says-bacon-2013030761993)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 07, 2013, 01:20:10 PM
Last night I went to Tescos and bought a 1 litre bottle of Tippex.


Big mistake.
Title: Text joke of the year...so far!
Post by: T Fearon on March 12, 2013, 12:39:44 AM
Reading have offered Chris Huhne the vacant Manager's post.They'll happily take three points off anybody! ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Text joke of the year...so far!
Post by: ziggysego on March 12, 2013, 09:10:05 AM
You must get some pretty shit texts sent to you, if this is your text of the year.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 13, 2013, 11:25:33 AM
How many women does it take to park a car properly?
- Nobody knows. It's never been done.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 13, 2013, 02:05:55 PM
Accountants are worse at parking than women - in my experience.  :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 13, 2013, 02:27:18 PM
I thought their chauffeurs did the parking.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 13, 2013, 02:37:07 PM
They probably lack the practice alright. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on March 13, 2013, 03:17:13 PM
QuoteAccountants are worse at parking than women - in my experience.

WTF?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 13, 2013, 04:28:08 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on March 13, 2013, 03:17:13 PM
QuoteAccountants are worse at parking than women - in my experience.

WTF?

I think we should park this conversation. Any volunteers?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on March 13, 2013, 04:52:15 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 13, 2013, 02:05:55 PM
Accountants are worse at parking than women - in my experience.  :P

Rois?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on March 14, 2013, 11:41:36 AM
New Pope Francis & ex Pope Benedict are both now resident at the Vatican which will hence forth be known as Frankie & Benny's
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggy90 on March 14, 2013, 11:49:00 AM
Quote from: Maguire01 on March 14, 2013, 11:41:36 AM
New Pope Francis & ex Pope Benedict are both now resident at the Vatican which will hence forth be known as Frankie & Benny's

That's a cracker.  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM
Quote from: Orior on March 13, 2013, 04:28:08 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on March 13, 2013, 03:17:13 PM
QuoteAccountants are worse at parking than women - in my experience.

WTF?

I think we should park this conversation. Any volunteers?

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Rois on March 14, 2013, 12:34:02 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck.

That is deliberate bad parking - pretend to be bad so that people won't notice that they want lots of space in case anyone parks too close and scratches their car. 

Two guys I work with do it in our car park.  Grinds my gears.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 12:36:36 PM
Quote from: Rois on March 14, 2013, 12:34:02 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck.

That is deliberate bad parking - pretend to be bad so that people won't notice that they want lots of space in case anyone parks too close and scratches their car. 

Two guys I work with do it in our car park.  Grinds my gears.

If you saw these Neanderthals - they wouldn't be capable of that level of deviousness (is that a word?). 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: NAG1 on March 14, 2013, 12:47:22 PM
Quote from: Rois on March 14, 2013, 12:34:02 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck.

That is deliberate bad parking - pretend to be bad so that people won't notice that they want lots of space in case anyone parks too close and scratches their car. 

Two guys I work with do it in our car park.  Grinds my gears.

Just ignore the lines then and park right next to them, see the rage that forms then  ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: LeoMc on March 14, 2013, 01:34:21 PM
Quote from: NAG1 on March 14, 2013, 12:47:22 PM
Quote from: Rois on March 14, 2013, 12:34:02 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck.

That is deliberate bad parking - pretend to be bad so that people won't notice that they want lots of space in case anyone parks too close and scratches their car. 

Two guys I work with do it in our car park.  Grinds my gears.

Just ignore the lines then and park right next to them, see the rage that forms then  ;)

As tight as you can, your passenger door to their drivers door.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 02:13:01 PM
Quote from: LeoMc on March 14, 2013, 01:34:21 PM
Quote from: NAG1 on March 14, 2013, 12:47:22 PM
Quote from: Rois on March 14, 2013, 12:34:02 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on March 14, 2013, 11:54:49 AM

SS and Rois are excluded from my gross generalisation - I work next door to an accountancy firm and their parking is always all over the place, regularly taking up two speace each with their cars.  Head wreck.

That is deliberate bad parking - pretend to be bad so that people won't notice that they want lots of space in case anyone parks too close and scratches their car. 

Two guys I work with do it in our car park.  Grinds my gears.

Just ignore the lines then and park right next to them, see the rage that forms then  ;)

As tight as you can, your passenger door to their drivers door.

That is exactly what I do - then at five o'clock I watch out the window like a hawk to see them clambering in through their passenger door.  It's the little things that make life worthwhile.  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on March 15, 2013, 12:47:02 AM
Ming Flanagan got four points last year and is being awarded Roscommon player of the year.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on March 16, 2013, 10:11:28 AM
A dog walks into a bar, with his right arm raised. He says "I'm looking for the man who shot my PAW!" One man stands up and says "I did, and I'm sorry." The dog then lunges at him and rips the flesh off his face.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on March 16, 2013, 11:03:54 AM
Quote from: Bud Wiser on March 15, 2013, 12:47:02 AM
Ming Flanagan got four points last year and is being awarded Roscommon player of the year.
Only he didn't actually get any points.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: lawnseed on March 17, 2013, 10:30:04 AM
Quote from: Maguire01 on March 16, 2013, 11:03:54 AM
Quote from: Bud Wiser on March 15, 2013, 12:47:02 AM
Ming Flanagan got four points last year and is being awarded Roscommon player of the year.
Only he didn't actually get any points.
+1
yeah mings points were disallowed
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on March 20, 2013, 10:02:41 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlxkcewBEe0
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 21, 2013, 12:22:31 AM
Back home and in bed after spending half the morning in A & E. I'm still in a bit of pain but I'll be ok!

I'll tell you what though.........that new Dyson Ball Cleaner is not what you think it is!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 27, 2013, 02:05:35 PM
news just in....

In a money saving move the IFA abd FAI will collaborate on their World cup song for Rio, expect to see "Here we Stay" hit the shops and download portals soon.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 27, 2013, 03:12:55 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on March 27, 2013, 02:05:35 PM
news just in....

In a money saving move the IFA abd FAI will collaborate on their World cup song for Rio, expect to see "Here we Stay" hit the shops and download portals soon.

2 out of 10
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Fear ón Srath Bán on March 27, 2013, 03:38:48 PM
May have been posted before, but updated in any case in light of recent revelations...  :)

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQf-5mXy5y0ZT9vAICLNlSRbvwFsD-FFXT9xRo45Vw_ZnogtFrh_Q)

SOCIALISM 

You have 2 cows. 
You give one to your neighbour. 


COMMUNISM 

You have 2 cows 
The State takes both and gives you some milk. 


FASCISM 

You have 2 cows. 
The State takes both and sells you some milk. 


BUREAUCRATISM 

You have 2 cows. 
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away. 


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM 

You have two cows. 
You sell one and buy a bull. 
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. 
You sell them and retire on the income. 


VENTURE CAPITALISM 

You have two cows. 

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. 

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. 

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. 


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows. 
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. 
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died. 


A FRENCH CORPORATION 


You have two cows. 
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. 


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are. 
You decide to have lunch. 


A SWISS CORPORATION 

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. 
You charge the owners for storing them. 


A CHINESE CORPORATION 

You have two cows. 
You have 300 people milking them. 
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. 
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. 


AN INDIAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows. 
You worship them. 


A BRITISH CORPORATION 

You have two cows. 
Both are mad. 


AN IRAQI CORPORATION 


Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. 
You tell them that you have none. 
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. 
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy. 


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows. 
Business seems pretty good. 
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. 


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION


You have two cows. 
The one on the left looks very attractive. 


A GREEK CORPORATION 

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. 
You eat both of them. 
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. 
The IMF loans you two cows. 
You eat both of them. 
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. 
You are out getting a haircut.

 
AN IRISH CORPORATION

You have two cows
One of them's a horse!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bingo on March 27, 2013, 04:05:46 PM
My take on the two cows:

South Armagh Corporation

You have two cows.
You milk them, dye it black and sell it as Guinness
With proceeds you buy a big jeep.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on March 27, 2013, 05:35:17 PM
Excellent...stealing that Bingo.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 27, 2013, 06:06:18 PM
QuoteYou milk them, dye it black and sell it as Guinness

;D South Armagh corporations have important competitive advantages in removing dye, not sure about adding it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 27, 2013, 08:39:04 PM
A group of chess enthusiasts club checked into a hotel and they were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on March 27, 2013, 09:41:07 PM
Quote from: Bingo on March 27, 2013, 04:05:46 PM
My take on the two cows:

South Armagh Corporation

You have two cows.
You milk them, dye it black and sell it as Guinness
With proceeds you buy a big jeep.

You have 2 cows.
1 dies. You contact the NIO and claim it was killed by the Brits. 
After you get your compo you take said cow out of the freezer and pass it onto neighbour.
Repeat process ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tony Baloney on March 27, 2013, 10:09:18 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on March 27, 2013, 09:41:07 PM
Quote from: Bingo on March 27, 2013, 04:05:46 PM
My take on the two cows:

South Armagh Corporation

You have two cows.
You milk them, dye it black and sell it as Guinness
With proceeds you buy a big jeep.

You have 2 cows.
1 dies. You contact the NIO and claim it was killed by the Brits. 
After you get your compo you take said cow out of the freezer and pass it onto neighbour.
Repeat process ;)
That one cow must have made some money over the years. I'd say the vets in S. Armagh are the best oaid in the country.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 27, 2013, 10:39:44 PM
QuoteI'd say the vets in S. Armagh are the best oaid in the country.

I'd say that the compo man wasn't stuck either.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on March 28, 2013, 11:36:09 AM
Gary Neville's father Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges.

If he carries on like that he will get himself a bad name.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on March 30, 2013, 01:50:34 AM
How to reassure a pedant...

There, their, they're.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 02, 2013, 08:38:18 PM
Yesterday a German Shepherd did a crap in my front garden  :(

And today he arrived back, this time with his dog   >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on April 02, 2013, 08:46:04 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 02, 2013, 08:38:18 PM
Yesterday a German Shepherd did a crap in my front garden  :(

And today he arrived back, this time with his dog   >:(

0/10
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 02, 2013, 08:56:37 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on April 02, 2013, 08:46:04 PM
Quote from: Orior on April 02, 2013, 08:38:18 PM
Yesterday a German Shepherd did a crap in my front garden  :(

And today he arrived back, this time with his dog   >:(

0/10

Was it my timing? Should he have returned maybe a few days later?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 02, 2013, 09:17:05 PM
That bloke who owns the German Shepherd that was in the news a while ago when the dog rode the woman from Limerick takes the dog to the vet. "What's the problem here?" says the vet.

"Haven't you been watching the news?" says the owner. "I thought you'd recognise us."
"No," said the vet. "I can't say I do."

"Well, this is the dog all the fuss in the news was about. You know ... he, ahhhh ... he humped my girlfriend."
"Oh right," says the vet.

"Well, she insisted I take him here," says the owner.
"So, she wants me to put him down?", asks the vet.

"No, no", says the owner. "She just wants you to trim his nails."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 05, 2013, 08:13:04 PM
A German Corporation

You have two cows.
You take all the wool of every sheep farmer within 1,000 miles.
You tell them to be more like the Germans.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 05, 2013, 10:42:24 PM
German Joke

A man walks into a newsagents.

The shopkeeper asks "Can I help you?"

The man says "No thanks, I've got my bicycle outside"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on April 05, 2013, 11:58:43 PM
What's the difference between Sunderland and North Korea?

Ones a regime run by a mentalist fascist dictator followed by thousands of brain washed in-breds, the other is in Asia.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 10, 2013, 09:33:06 PM
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I'm going to show you there's nobody better than a Jew."

He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I'll show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts the offer and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for yet another one and swallows it just the same."

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastries? Are you trying to fool me?"

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on April 11, 2013, 03:41:14 PM
I am sure John Lennon would have loved all the on-line shopping were he alive.

Imagine all the PayPal.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 11, 2013, 05:31:00 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on April 11, 2013, 03:41:14 PM
I am sure John Lennon would have loved all the on-line shopping were he alive.

Imagine all the PayPal.

Hang your head in shame SS!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on April 11, 2013, 05:49:40 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on April 11, 2013, 03:41:14 PM
I am sure John Lennon would have loved all the on-line shopping were he alive.

Imagine all the PayPal.

It was bad enough having to read it when you posted it on Facebook!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on April 11, 2013, 07:09:40 PM
Ah Laoislad.

Only you and that Boots fellow have me on Facebook.

It's too awful a joke not to share with the 6 county unwashed!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on April 11, 2013, 07:57:26 PM
Quote from: Shamrock Shore on April 11, 2013, 03:41:14 PM
I am sure John Lennon would have loved all the on-line shopping were he alive.

Imagine all the PayPal.

Jaysus Horse.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on April 21, 2013, 11:26:47 PM
During Margaret Thatcher's funeral, Big Ben fell silent for a few hours.

Very fitting.

She hated anything that would strike...!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2013, 11:19:48 AM
Explanation for there being no male agony aunt...

Dear Bill,

I am a 42 year old mother. I left for work this morning but after a mile or so down the road my car broke down, i had to walk home again and on arriving home i found my 16 year old baby sitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform sucking my husbands penis...I am devastated! Can you help?

Dear Susie,

A common cause for this is dirt in the carburettor...Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank.

Hope this helps.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on April 25, 2013, 04:04:40 AM
There are two types of people in this world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on April 25, 2013, 12:01:32 PM
thank you George Takei
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on April 25, 2013, 04:55:12 PM
Young Boy:     'Dad, is 'knickers' a curse'?
Dad:     'No, but tights are'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on May 10, 2013, 10:33:13 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/38GBkMRb.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 17, 2013, 10:45:12 AM
With all the traffic congestion at the Balmoral show at the Maze, Gerry Kelly's mobile phone has been inundated with calls looking to know the best way out.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on May 17, 2013, 12:17:19 PM
Police are looking for a criminal who held up a paper warehouse in Ballygawley.
He took the A4.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 17, 2013, 01:28:51 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on May 17, 2013, 12:17:19 PM
Police are looking for a criminal who held up a paper warehouse in Ballygawley.
He took the A4.

Not bad
Not awful
Just diabolical
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on May 17, 2013, 01:48:16 PM
Was in the barbers today, told him what I wanted.  He asked if I wanted it done round the back. I said here is just fine.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 17, 2013, 02:55:58 PM
Was in the chemist's today. Asked for a bar of soap. He said, "Do you want it scented?" I said, "No, thanks. I'll take it with me."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 17, 2013, 04:01:09 PM
Q. How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?

A. Pan ten!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 07, 2013, 09:46:31 AM
Quote from: Agent Orange on April 06, 2012, 09:03:39 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Dublin airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."


I'm polishing this joke up in preparation for G8. Also please note that I'm placing a copyright on it. Any jokers caught re-using it will be severely dealt with.



Angela Merkel arrives at reception in the Lough Erne hotel and is checking into her suite.

"Nationality?" asks the receptionist.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 07, 2013, 11:54:17 AM
Name?
- David Beckham.

Address?
- Actually, it's called a sarong.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 07, 2013, 01:18:21 PM
A madman runs into a laundrette, rapes a women and then leaves.

Next day, the newspaper headline was "Nut screws washer and bolts"


Arf arf.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 02, 2013, 08:24:28 PM
Mick, can I have one of yer sandwiches?  I forgot me lunch.
- Here, have them all. I don't fancy them anyway.

What's on them?
- Crab paste.

Crab paste? Great. Where did you get that?
- The chemist.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggy90 on July 02, 2013, 08:28:30 PM
Sniggering away at that one Hardy ;D.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Oraisteach on July 02, 2013, 09:01:12 PM
Pavlov is in a bar having a pint.  The phone rings.  He jumps off the stool and shouts, "Ah Sh*t!  I forgot to feed the dogs."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 02, 2013, 09:16:32 PM
My wife just caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.

"It's not what it looks like," I pleaded.

"Well, what is it then?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face.

"A woman," I replied.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 02, 2013, 09:20:07 PM
A new family have moved in next to me.

They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 02, 2013, 09:28:47 PM
I had a weird dream that I weighed infinitesimally less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on July 02, 2013, 10:55:51 PM
What do you call a dog with no back legs and brass balls?

Sparky!!!! ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 04, 2013, 05:07:48 PM
Sounds like a scene from American Pie, except it is true.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10893497 (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10893497)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 04, 2013, 05:22:26 PM
QuoteSounds like a scene from American Pie, except it is true.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10893497

How's that for economical prose.
"She was taken to Dunedin Hospital, and is understood to have been released."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 04, 2013, 05:31:21 PM
Quote from: Orior on July 04, 2013, 05:07:48 PM
Sounds like a scene from American Pie, except it is true.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10893497 (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10893497)

That presents an alternative to the more drastic plot some often consider:

(http://i648.photobucket.com/albums/uu206/Hardyarse/CX49_zpsa465747e.png) (http://s648.photobucket.com/user/Hardyarse/media/CX49_zpsa465747e.png.html)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Oraisteach on July 12, 2013, 08:17:39 PM
Doesn't quite fit the thread title, perhaps, but I posted it first on the Leitrim vs. Armagh thread, but that thread is now hotly embroiled in a strange sort of a GAA county penis envy--people boasting about the size of their county, and so this little anecdote about perpetually losing teams might be amusing and a propos.

By the way, this is a true story.  For you non American football loving readers, you need to know that the Cleveland Browns suck every year, especially since the owner moved the original team to Baltimore.

Anyway, about a month ago,  a longtime Cleveland Browns fan and season ticket holder was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few weeks to live, so he asked that Browns' players be his pallbearers at his funeral.  He wanted it to be that way so that the team could let him down one last time.

I'm not joking.

As a long-suffering fan myself, I thought this was great.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ballinaman on July 15, 2013, 11:45:20 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/q71/995907_10151536103969211_796235233_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on August 31, 2013, 10:30:52 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/ECcMgcVJ.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Minder on August 31, 2013, 10:50:22 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on August 31, 2013, 10:30:52 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/ECcMgcVJ.jpg)

Like
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Tony Baloney on August 31, 2013, 10:53:28 PM
Quote from: Minder on August 31, 2013, 10:50:22 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on August 31, 2013, 10:30:52 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/ECcMgcVJ.jpg)

Like
Shared.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 03, 2013, 11:04:23 AM
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping – clean up that whole area by the site office."

He points to a huge pile of sand and tells the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling – shift that pile from there over beside the pile of gravel." The Irish fella says, "Where will I find a shovel?" The foreman turns to the Chinese guy and says, "You're in charge of supplies."

"Now," he says, "I'm gonna be gone for a while. I expect you guys have the sweeping done and make a dent in that there pile before I get back."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours but when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched and there's no sweeping done. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep up where I told you?"

The Italian replies, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

The foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is pissed off now and he storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere. He's searching all over and getting more enraged by the minute. Then, as he goes around to look behind the pile of sand, the Chinese guy springs out and yells ... "Supplies!!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on September 03, 2013, 11:29:43 AM
I laughed more than I should have Hardy  >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 03, 2013, 12:15:58 PM
Snap.  :D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 03, 2013, 01:51:35 PM
Racist
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Na, I laughed too.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Christmas Lights on September 03, 2013, 01:56:07 PM
That is terrible Hardy.
Truly awful stuff  :(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 03, 2013, 08:59:13 PM
Hardy, that's a cracker  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on September 04, 2013, 09:56:47 AM
Quote from: Onion Bag on September 03, 2013, 08:59:13 PM
Hardy, that's a cracker  ;D

Takes me back to my childhood that one..
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on September 11, 2013, 01:08:29 PM
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned Fifty Shades of Grey !
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: JUst retired on September 11, 2013, 01:13:01 PM
 Bud, that was brilliant, brought back memories. ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on September 11, 2013, 05:30:11 PM
Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on September 11, 2013, 05:32:44 PM
Two devils were arguing over the ownership of a lost soul.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on September 11, 2013, 05:34:38 PM
Two umpires at a game were killing time by acting the cod.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 11, 2013, 08:07:18 PM
This couple were having a big row and giving each other the silent treatment and he'd moved into the spare room.

On about the third night as he was about to go to sleep, the bloke realised he had no alarm clock in the spare room and he had to be up at 5:00 a.m. to catch a flight. There was nothing for it but to ask the wife to wake him up, but he didn't want to be the first to break the silence.

So he wrote a note - "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." – and went into her room, handed it to her, went back to the spare room and went to bed.

The next morning, he woke up to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he'd missed his flight. Then  he noticed a piece of paper on the locker by the bed. It said, "It's 5:00 a.m. Wake up."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on September 12, 2013, 11:41:25 AM
Two folk dancers in Central Africa were attempting a 'Congo Reel'.

One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 18, 2013, 09:00:27 PM
A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First, he goes to hire a suit, but there is a long line at the dress hire shop and it takes forever.

Next, he goes to buy some flowers, but there is a huge line at the florists. He waits forever, and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads off to hire a limousine, but there is a long line at the car rental. However he is patient and eventually gets a limo.

Finally on the night of the prom, he is dancing with his girlfriend and he asks her if she would like a drink. She says she would like some punch, and he goes over to the table, but guess what, there is no punch line.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on September 18, 2013, 09:05:38 PM
Orior, you need your hole kicked for that
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 18, 2013, 09:33:21 PM
My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on September 19, 2013, 12:11:33 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on September 18, 2013, 09:33:21 PM
My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."

Onion Bag, it's armaghniac that needs kicked in the hole.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 19, 2013, 12:32:13 AM
QuoteOnion Bag, it's armaghniac that needs kicked in the hole.

Have yous no sense of humour up in them mountains in Tyrone.

anyway for something different

There was a Cistercian monk
Who fell asleep in a bunk
He dreamt that Venus
Was sucking his elbow
And he woke up all covered in perspiration.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 19, 2013, 12:02:35 PM
A Customs officer called to a farm in Louth. He told the old farmer, "We have reason to suspect there are illegal drugs hidden or buried in this general area and I'm here to check your land". "Grand," said the farmer, "but," he pointed, "don't go into that field over there".

The Customs man lost his cool immediately. "Mister, I have the authority of the Revenue Commissioners!" he shouted as he pulled out his ID badge. "You see this badge? This badge means I go wherever I like! On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The farmer nodded and went back to his work.

A while later, the old farmer heard roaring and bellowing. He looked up to see yer man running for his life, chased by the farmer's big Limousin bull, which was gaining ground with every step as the Customs man screamed for help.

The farmer put down his tools, ambled over to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on September 19, 2013, 10:39:59 PM
My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: take_yer_points on September 20, 2013, 10:24:30 AM
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on September 20, 2013, 02:02:02 PM
Thats the same as the Cliff Richard joke...

Cliff Richard plays in Japan and the we Japenese guy shouts up "play itchy fanny play itchy fanny" and Cliff Ignores him for ages until finnally he asks what is itchy fanny and the Japenese guy sings...Itchy fanny why we don't talk any more...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on October 01, 2013, 07:44:24 PM
True story, allegedly.

Overheard in a Cork pub:

Yer an awful langer. If there was a competition for the biggest langer in Ireland, you'd come second.
- And why would'n' I win it?

Cos yer a langer!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 02, 2013, 11:33:42 PM
Quote from: Hardy on October 01, 2013, 07:44:24 PM
True story, allegedly.

Overheard in a Cork pub:

Yer an awful langer. If there was a competition for the biggest langer in Ireland, you'd come second.
- And why would'n' I win it?

Cos yer a langer!

That's a corkular argument.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 02, 2013, 11:39:42 PM
(http://www.drawdesign.se/wp-content/uploads/Hello_brie-300x300.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on October 03, 2013, 09:00:32 AM
FFS, that's Camembert!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 03, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Natural hallucinogen


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzSRVgF501M
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: john mcgill on October 03, 2013, 05:32:53 PM
Bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on October 03, 2013, 11:24:28 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/16qzm8UB.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 03, 2013, 11:28:06 PM
That's a bit cheesy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 03, 2013, 11:52:38 PM
Quote from: All of a Sludden on October 03, 2013, 11:24:28 PM
(http://thumbsnap.com/s/16qzm8UB.jpg)

Brilliant.

I will be singing that all day tomorrow, until someone hits me.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: tbrick18 on October 04, 2013, 12:38:28 PM
This had me in stitches..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on October 09, 2013, 11:08:09 AM
Can't think of anywhere else to put this.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/a1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 14, 2013, 10:41:45 PM
True story apparently...

An Irish guy (let's call him Paddy) was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

Paddy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech Paddy replies "Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers. Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres. Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed five pints of Guinness and two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label."

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him "Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test?"

Paddy smiles and replies "Do you understand that I'm Irish, and my car is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on October 16, 2013, 10:28:03 PM
I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 16, 2013, 10:52:50 PM
I was driving home yesterday, and I got a phone call saying that was being promoted. I was so excited that I clipped the kerb and drove into a ditch. You could say that I careered off the road.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on October 17, 2013, 11:11:14 AM
I thought this new girlfriend might be the one but after finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform in her bedroom, I figured if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 17, 2013, 12:35:21 PM
Quote from: ONeill on October 16, 2013, 10:28:03 PM
I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

You Il bring your Jong and move back up North.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on October 17, 2013, 01:14:27 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.

I never knew Batman was a drinker ...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on October 17, 2013, 01:48:20 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on October 17, 2013, 01:14:27 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.

I never knew Batman was a drinker ...

No Jesus was Batman.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on October 17, 2013, 01:51:49 PM
Two Irish Lesbians, Eileen Over & Ulick McGee
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 02:13:11 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on October 17, 2013, 01:14:27 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.

I never knew Batman was a drinker ...

Ha ha. Big thumbs, small phone. That's the surrealist version.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 17, 2013, 02:20:29 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on October 17, 2013, 01:14:27 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.

I never knew Batman was a drinker ...

Only when he wasn't out robbin'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on October 17, 2013, 04:27:40 PM
OLD PEOPLE. Prevent being beaten black and blue for paltry amounts of money by carrying large sums of cash with you at all times.
NEWLYWEDS. Act in a surreptitious manner from the start of your marriage so as not to attract suspicion when you do have an affair.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
FOOL YOUR boss into thinking that your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.
USERS OF premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner.
MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
GRAFFITI artists. Don't forget to take a can of brick coloured spray tippex in case you make a mistake.
HEROIN ADDICTS. Instead of getting up at the crack of dawn everyday to go shoplifting to raise money for smack, why not cut out the middle man and simply nick the heroin? Not only will this save time, but it will be much safer as drug dealers' homes don't usually have security guards and CCTV.
US TROOPS. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large mousetraps in the Tora Bora hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.
SAVE MONEY on milk by not reporting your neighbour's death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.
PROSTITUTES. If selling your body for sex makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
LORRY DRIVERS. Save pounds by spending less on pornography and axes to kill women with.
RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying 'I'm not a racist, but...' before saying something racist.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on October 18, 2013, 09:58:26 AM
Quote from: muppet on October 17, 2013, 02:20:29 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on October 17, 2013, 01:14:27 PM
Quote from: Harold Disgracey on October 17, 2013, 12:38:33 PM
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the batman gave her one.

I never knew Batman was a drinker ...

Only when he wasn't out robbin'.

your such a joker
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Christmas Lights on October 18, 2013, 02:55:48 PM
Quote from: ONeill on October 16, 2013, 10:28:03 PM
I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

LOL!!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on October 19, 2013, 01:18:21 PM
Bloke walks into a sandwich bar.

How much is a ham and cheese roll?
- They're two for a fiver.

How much is one?
- Three Euro.

I'll have the other one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on October 21, 2013, 03:18:03 PM
A customer in a Dublin supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The  young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The customer persists, so the boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the stock room, the boy says to his manager  'Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he adds,  'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half. Is that OK?'

The manager approves the deal, and the customer goes on his way. The manager says to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation.  We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'  'Limerick , sir,' the boy replies.

'Well, why did you leave Limerick?' the manager asks. The boy says, 'Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.'

'Oh really?' says the manager. 'Well my wife is from Limerick .'

'You're kidding?' replies the boy. 'What position does she play?'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 21, 2013, 03:59:15 PM
Quote'You're kidding?' replies the boy. 'What position does she play?'

Hooker?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on October 21, 2013, 08:38:17 PM
19 Mayo men go to the cinema.

The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

MayoMick replies "The film said 18 or over."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 21, 2013, 09:05:53 PM
19 Mayo men go to the cinema.

The ticket lady asks "Why are you leaving at half time?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on October 22, 2013, 10:03:13 AM
19 Mayo men go to the cinema.

20 Mayo men go to mass.

Anything is better than watching Tyrone.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Onion Bag on October 29, 2013, 09:57:41 AM
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 29, 2013, 01:26:36 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: EC Unique on November 12, 2013, 02:42:21 PM
It's been two years since Jimmy Saville died.

R.I.P big man, you touched a lot of people.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 12, 2013, 06:59:50 PM
Quote from: EC Unique on November 12, 2013, 02:42:21 PM
It's been two years since Jimmy Saville died.

R.I.P big man, you touched a lot of people.

Did he fix it for you?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 12, 2013, 07:39:57 PM
Jimmy Saville blamed his chaffeur, he said he drove him to it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 24, 2013, 08:53:47 PM
Two old ladies looking in a shop window.
One of them comments "That's the one I'd get"

Then a cyclops came up and killed her.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 25, 2013, 11:24:51 AM
Quote from: Orior on November 24, 2013, 08:53:47 PM
Two old ladies looking in a shop window.
One of them comments "That's the one I'd get"

Then a cyclops came up and killed her.

(http://www.lovingspirituality.com/wp-content/uploads/confused-face.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Under Lights on November 25, 2013, 11:38:11 AM
Quote from: hardstation on November 25, 2013, 11:28:12 AM
The cyclops thought the old lady was calling him a "one-eyed get".

Bit harsh murdering someone over getting called that. I've been called far worse in my days have haven't murdered a single person yet. Cyclops' these days are getting annoyed over the silliest things.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 16, 2013, 01:04:37 AM
Got kicked in the balls today. I was in the lift with a lady who had the most fantastic tits and I just couldn't stop checking them out.
She said "Would you please press One?" so I did.
Don't remember much after that.....
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: supersarsfields on December 20, 2013, 09:40:10 AM
I'm sure O'neill could add to this one.

http://distractify.com/fun/fails/test-answers-that-are-totally-wrong-but-still-genius/

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on January 27, 2014, 09:13:24 AM
My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning. I can't believe Gaviscon.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on January 28, 2014, 12:35:42 AM
Quote from: southdown on January 27, 2014, 09:13:24 AM
My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning. I can't believe Gaviscon.

Sorry to hear that.

Acid event.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on January 28, 2014, 12:43:17 AM
Terrible news, hard to digest.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on January 28, 2014, 12:52:26 AM
Yes sorry to hear that, he was some fella. He always had a fire in his belly.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on January 28, 2014, 01:37:21 AM
These jokes turn my stomach.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trueblue1234 on January 28, 2014, 09:19:03 AM
Reflux sakes lads, to renny bad puns. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on January 28, 2014, 09:21:08 AM
Quote from: trueblue1234 on January 28, 2014, 09:19:03 AM
Reflux sakes lads, to renny bad puns.
very good
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 06, 2014, 09:38:40 PM
And in homage to the legend of Irish broadcasting, Larry Gogan, and his famous Just a Minute quiz, here are just ten of the best answers that have been broadcast on his show.

1. Name something a blind man might use...
A Sword


2. Name the capital of France...
F


3 Name an occupation where you might need a torch...
A burglar


4. Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital


5. What was Hitlers first name ?
Heil


6.  Complete the saying "As happy as...
A pig in sh**t


7. Can you name a  dangerous race ?
The Arabs


8. The name of a famous bridge....
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters


9. Something people might be allergic to ?
Skiing


10. What star do travellers follow?
Joe Dolan

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on February 13, 2014, 08:15:42 PM
My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock.

Bad Minton
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on February 15, 2014, 07:35:57 PM
Quote from: laoislad on February 13, 2014, 08:15:42 PM
My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock.

Bad Minton

Worst racket ever!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 21, 2014, 08:12:33 PM
When sports stars get angry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQTATWUtvHQ
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on February 27, 2014, 09:02:56 PM
stolen from the legendary Chicken...

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit strange. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out.
Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."

And truly that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on February 28, 2014, 07:57:02 AM
That's a new one  :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 19, 2014, 10:43:19 PM
Why people like Hardy and Shamrock Shore don't get recruited....


An elderly gent goes for a job interview.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on March 19, 2014, 11:12:34 PM
 ;D ;D Best one for a while.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 19, 2014, 11:28:09 PM
ELDERLY?!!!  Shamrock Shore will be outraged. Me, I'll just find out where you live.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BennyHarp on March 19, 2014, 11:48:57 PM
I was asked today what I thought of the new £1 coin. I said it was ok but I don't like change.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 20, 2014, 09:16:28 AM
Quote from: Hardy on March 19, 2014, 11:28:09 PM
ELDERLY?!!!  Shamrock Shore will be outraged. Me, I'll just find out where you live.

Orior is probably older than the two of ye added together.  ::)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Shamrock Shore on March 20, 2014, 09:21:11 AM
Elderly  >:(

Dems fighting words.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AZOffaly on March 20, 2014, 10:57:50 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on February 06, 2014, 09:38:40 PM
And in homage to the legend of Irish broadcasting, Larry Gogan, and his famous Just a Minute quiz, here are just ten of the best answers that have been broadcast on his show.

1. Name something a blind man might use...
A Sword


2. Name the capital of France...
F


3 Name an occupation where you might need a torch...
A burglar


4. Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital


5. What was Hitlers first name ?
Heil


6.  Complete the saying "As happy as...
A pig in sh**t


7. Can you name a  dangerous race ?
The Arabs


8. The name of a famous bridge....
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters


9. Something people might be allergic to ?
Skiing


10. What star do travellers follow?
Joe Dolan


Don't forget " Ah well, they didn't suit you today." "f**k off Larry you auld bollox"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 20, 2014, 11:05:44 AM
11. Name a bird with a long neck.
Naomi Campbell.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on March 20, 2014, 12:46:38 PM
I asked a Scottish man if he thought I had bad spots.

He replied "acccchhhhhh-neeeeeeeeeeeeeee son."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 20, 2014, 01:38:26 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 19, 2014, 10:43:19 PM
Why people like Hardy and Shamrock Shore don't get recruited....


An elderly gent goes for a job interview.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think"

Okay, okay, version 2.....


A handsome young man goes for a job interview.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Orior: "Fat birds"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DoYerJob Linesman on March 20, 2014, 04:53:20 PM
Teacher:  Two negatives will always make a positive, but two positives can never make a negative.

Pupil:  Aye right.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on March 22, 2014, 08:25:13 PM
A man from Poland goes to the optician who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.  "Can you read this?" the optician asks.  "Read it?" the man replies, "I even know the guy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on March 24, 2014, 04:07:29 PM
I took a girl home from a club last night.As we got inside my house I said, "you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
""ohhhhhhhhhh" she smiled, "have a big c**k do we?"
I locked the door and said, "no,I'm going to cut off your feet."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: southdown on March 24, 2014, 04:46:38 PM
I sang a song last night about a tortilla.

To be honest, it was more of a rap...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 24, 2014, 05:17:26 PM
Quote from: laoislad on March 24, 2014, 04:07:29 PM
I took a girl home from a club last night.As we got inside my house I said, "you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
""ohhhhhhhhhh" she smiled, "have a big c**k do we?"
I locked the door and said, "no,I'm going to cut off your feet."

Which country did that joke originate from?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 24, 2014, 07:26:13 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was torn off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new set of equipment that will work as well as your old one did; better in fact! But the thing is, it's expensive. It's €1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have".

"And what's the decision?"
"We're having granite worktops."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on March 24, 2014, 09:47:36 PM
Quote from: Hardy on March 24, 2014, 07:26:13 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was torn off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new set of equipment that will work as well as your old one did; better in fact! But the thing is, it's expensive. It's €1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have".

"And what's the decision?"
"We're having granite worktops."

;D Brilliant
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on March 26, 2014, 10:15:43 AM
Is this a picture of your wife, Sir?
- Yes, it is.

I'm afraid it seems she's been involved in a car accident.
- I know, but she has a great personality.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on March 26, 2014, 02:04:54 PM
I saw my neighbour stealing my socks from the washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on March 30, 2014, 10:40:32 PM
Six Phases of a Project
1.   Enthusiaism
2.   Disillusionment
3.   Panic
4.   Search for the guilty
5.   Punishment of the innocent
6.   Praise and honours for the non-participants
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 30, 2014, 11:19:06 PM
The wife made a lasagne for dinner and added ginger on top, but the kids refused to eat it







To be fair, they loved that cat.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 01, 2014, 11:08:13 AM
Haiku by John Cooper Clarke:
To convey one's mood in seventeen syllables is very diffic
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on April 09, 2014, 12:14:45 PM
Apple has announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit was cost $499 to $699 depending on cup size and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breast and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 15, 2014, 03:09:41 PM
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a game to pass the time. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The programmer says, "It's a real easy game. I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me €5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you €5." Again the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, being both a persistent and annoying  type, says, "O.K. If you don't know the answer you pay me €5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you €50, but I'm allowed to Google!"

The engineer thinks for a few seconds, then agrees.

The programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer €5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his tablet and starts googling.

After five minutes, he's found nothing. "How long do I have?" he asks the engineer. "Take your time," says the engineer and he turns around and goes to sleep. 

After about an hour, the programmer wakes the engineer, hands him a €50 note with a scowl and asks, "Well what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands €5 to the programmer, turns away and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on May 15, 2014, 03:51:35 PM
Are programmers the new village idiots?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 15, 2014, 04:30:26 PM
New?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on May 15, 2014, 04:33:38 PM
I meant as opposed to AutoCAD technicians.  :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 15, 2014, 04:39:20 PM
I don't get it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnneycool on May 15, 2014, 04:42:31 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 15, 2014, 04:39:20 PM
I don't get it.

Do much programming?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on May 15, 2014, 04:49:40 PM
Quote from: johnneycool on May 15, 2014, 04:42:31 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on May 15, 2014, 04:39:20 PM
I don't get it.

Do much programming?

Used to, why?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 15, 2014, 04:57:48 PM
Quote from: Billys Boots on May 15, 2014, 04:33:38 PM
I meant as opposed to AutoCAD technicians.  :P

AutoCAD technicians are about the only people who can count that don't call themselves engineers. I see Irish water have engineers installing removing water meters in Togher, according to the press.

Anyway, look, we get to be heroes in our own jokes, OK?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ardal on May 15, 2014, 05:34:40 PM
Didn't realise Ziggy was a programmer

;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on May 18, 2014, 05:26:16 PM
Quote from: ardal on May 15, 2014, 05:34:40 PM
Didn't realise Ziggy was a programmer

;D

It helps with the Modding.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 18, 2014, 10:12:45 PM
What do Dublin women use for protection during sex?









A bus shelter.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 29, 2014, 04:09:04 PM
Jack was about to marry Mary and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers" he said "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... "

I told her "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Mary alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Mary and told her to put them on. Mary said that the trousers were far too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly" replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Mary paused for a while and then removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.

"Exactly" replied Mary. "And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on May 30, 2014, 10:44:34 AM
This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 30, 2014, 11:13:44 AM
Quote from: Denn Forever on May 30, 2014, 10:44:34 AM
This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on May 30, 2014, 11:36:08 AM
Quote from: Hardy on May 30, 2014, 11:13:44 AM
Quote from: Denn Forever on May 30, 2014, 10:44:34 AM
This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?

He's pretty well known actually - has a website with all of his "interactions", a good number of which are superior to the above:

http://www.27bslash6.com/ (http://www.27bslash6.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 30, 2014, 02:53:29 PM
Thanks, gallsman. Some of the weekend's entertainment sorted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Gold on May 30, 2014, 03:12:06 PM
Quote from: gallsman on May 30, 2014, 11:36:08 AM
Quote from: Hardy on May 30, 2014, 11:13:44 AM
Quote from: Denn Forever on May 30, 2014, 10:44:34 AM
This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?

Quality

He's pretty well known actually - has a website with all of his "interactions", a good number of which are superior to the above:

http://www.27bslash6.com/ (http://www.27bslash6.com/)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggy90 on May 30, 2014, 08:38:49 PM
Quote from: Denn Forever on May 30, 2014, 10:44:34 AM
This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Couldn't stop laughing reading this, brilliant.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on June 04, 2014, 09:04:17 PM
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husband

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:  'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on June 04, 2014, 10:51:15 PM
QuoteLow Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Lecale2 on June 05, 2014, 05:23:12 PM
Very good!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on June 09, 2014, 03:48:10 PM
(Milton Jones)

Cats. Some people hate them, some people love them. Some people are completely obsessed with them. I was reading somewhere that the Pope is a cat-aholic.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on June 10, 2014, 02:15:39 PM
Quote from: Hardy on June 09, 2014, 03:48:10 PM
(Milton Jones)

Cats. Some people hate them, some people love them. Some people are completely obsessed with them. I was reading somewhere that the Pope is a cat-aholic.

Ruff.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Muzz on June 10, 2014, 03:52:28 PM
First day on the Job

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"


The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".


The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"


The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"


The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on June 10, 2014, 04:01:34 PM
A Teacher teaches phonic s and asks the class to give her a word that starts with A.

Little John puts up his hand.

Arse he  says.

That is right but we don't use that word. Can any one give me a word starting with B. Only John's hand goes up.  Bollix he says and the class burst out laughing.

Yes John but that is a very bad word.

She has started the game and doesn't want to give John a chance to use a C word. Can you give me a word that starts with D

Again John's hand goes up.  A Dwarf miss.
That is a very  good word. Do you know what it means?

Yes Miss, its one  of those short c*nts you some times see.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: All of a Sludden on June 15, 2014, 02:19:27 AM
I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat.

They want their meat to be killed the American way. Seriously, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:13:59 PM
FFS
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 02, 2014, 10:14:39 PM
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham-and-cheese
toastie?" The barman is amazed but goes ahead and gives the rabbit his pint and a ham-and-cheese
toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit comes in again and asks for a pint of beer and a ham-and-cheese
toastie. Once again, the barman gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them
and leaves.

This continues, night after night. The rabbit becomes a regular and the pub's business grows massively
as people come from miles around to see the rabbit and watch him drink his beer and eat his toasties.

One night, the rabbit finishes his toastie and announces, "You know, that tasted so good, I'm gonna have another".

"Sure," says the barman, but after a minute he comes back and says, "Sorry about this, rabbit, but we've no ham left".

"Hmm," says the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit. I shouldn't do this, but feck it. Any onions?".

"I think so," says the barman.

"Give me a cheese-and-onion toastie, then," says the rabbit.

He eats his cheese-and-onion toastie, finishes his beer and leaves. And that's the last anyone ever sees of him.

One night about a year later, the barman is cleaning up and closing up the empty bar, where business
has fallen off badly since the days of the rabbit and his beer and toasties. He sees a small white furry
form floating above the bar.

The barman immediately recognises the famous rabbit. "Y-you-you're the rabbit ...," he stammers.

"Well," the rabbit interrupts him, "I'm the ghost of the rabbit".

"What happened?", asks the barman. "You used to come in every night and have a pint of beer and a
ham-and-cheese toastie. People came from miles around to see you. Business was booming. Then one night, you
had your usual ham-and-cheese toastie and then a cheese-and-onion toastie, because we ran out of ham.
Then you left and we never saw you again. What happened?"

"I DIED, obviously," says the rabbit. "I told you - I'm a ghost".

"What did you die from?" asks the barman.

"I was a rabbit," says the rabbit. "I should have known better. I never should have chanced it. I tempted fate
and I paid the price."

"What?" says the barman. "What happened? What did you die from?"

"Mixin' me toasties."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on July 02, 2014, 11:45:57 PM
Quote from: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF

I laughed.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 02, 2014, 11:59:24 PM
Quote from: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF

It's nice and short, but I don't get it.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Aaron Boone on July 03, 2014, 12:00:12 AM
Quote from: ziggysego on July 02, 2014, 11:45:57 PM
Quote from: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF

I laughed.
Reminds me of the Duracell/Energiser bunny. He's off the scene as was arrested for battery.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 03, 2014, 12:12:35 AM
Quote from: Hardy on July 02, 2014, 11:59:24 PM
Quote from: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF

It's nice and short, but I don't get it.

Read the letters below out loud....(stolen from Reeves and Mortimer)

I M T D S N I N V U

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on July 03, 2014, 09:21:07 AM
Right Hardy, you've done it now ...

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"   Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"   Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"  Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes

the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.


The same thing happens for two weeks.   Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.    "Where is it?"   

"At the circus,"  Says the barman. 

"The circus?"   Repeats the duck. 

"That's right,"  Replies the barman. 

"The circus?"  The duck asks again.   with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...

"What  would they want with a plasterer?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 03, 2014, 09:56:47 AM
They're getting worse. Excellent!


A bloke walks into the bar in Heathrow departures.

A fine looking blonde flight attendant walks in and sits down at the bar next to him. He decides to chance his arm
and tries to impress her by identifying the airline she flies for.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans over again and delivers the Air France motto:  'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

He's a real trier, so he goes at it again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:  'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman scowls at him and says,  'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.  'Ryanair.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on July 28, 2014, 09:38:41 AM
http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on July 28, 2014, 12:54:51 PM
Quote from: seafoid on July 28, 2014, 09:38:41 AM
http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg

That is two minutes of my life I'll never get back
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Nally Stand on July 28, 2014, 01:38:00 PM
Quote from: seafoid on July 28, 2014, 09:38:41 AM
http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg

Ironic
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: heganboy on July 30, 2014, 05:32:23 PM
So an American couple decided to adopt a German baby. They reared him for years, but with time they got worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was developmentally off target. They took him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was eight years old, he had an apfelstrudel, and said "It is over sweet."

His parents, shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on August 21, 2014, 04:26:53 PM
Pensioner applying for a password...

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour AssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on August 23, 2014, 11:58:39 AM
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following is the state of affairs:

- One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a Menage-a-Trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor-store-restaurant-laundry and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun.

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about:
o Her body
o The true nature of feminism
o What the sun is doing to her skin
o How she can do anything that they can do
o The necessity of fulfillment
o The equal division of household chores
o How sand and palm trees make her look fat
o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do
o How her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems
o Why they didn't bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on August 23, 2014, 12:05:50 PM
Two Roscommon men and 1 Roscommon woman.

The two Roscommon men moved to the mountains with their sheep, and while the Roscommon woman is waiting for the next trio to arrive, she invites the English woman to Coppers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on August 23, 2014, 01:55:26 PM
Quote from: muppet on August 23, 2014, 12:05:50 PM
Two Roscommon me and 1 Roscommon woman.

The two Roscommon men moved to the mountains with their sheep, and while the Roscommon woman is waiting for the next trio to arrive, she invites the English woman to Coppers.

Are you looking for two Roscommon men or have you signed the papers with Croke Park to transfer?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stew on August 24, 2014, 01:44:36 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on July 02, 2014, 11:45:57 PM
Quote from: ONeill on July 02, 2014, 10:16:58 PM
WTF

I laughed.

So did I zig, corny and  stretch but funny all the same.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 19, 2014, 10:35:05 AM
(http://i648.photobucket.com/albums/uu206/Hardyarse/most-intelligent-beggar-1_zps7a838a7c.jpg) (http://s648.photobucket.com/user/Hardyarse/media/most-intelligent-beggar-1_zps7a838a7c.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on October 22, 2014, 12:45:58 AM
What's the difference between Man United and Ebola?

Ebola's managed to get into Europe

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 22, 2014, 07:44:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on October 22, 2014, 12:45:58 AM
What's the difference between Man United and Ebola?

Ebola's managed to get into Europe
and it's coherent
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 12, 2014, 01:42:39 PM
Why do you never see Black people onboard sea cruise ships?

They're not going to fall for that trick again.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 28, 2015, 03:24:49 PM
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied ...








'You just happened to catch my eye!'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 12, 2015, 12:40:32 AM
My mate can't believe his luck.

He's just been given tickets to the recording of this week's Top Gear...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Agent Orange on March 26, 2015, 04:45:51 PM
Which of these English cities shares its name with the Icelandic singer, and former member of the Sugarcubes?

a) Bradford
b) York
c) Leeds
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on March 26, 2015, 04:53:15 PM
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get back £1,000."

One Lawyer thinks this is a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "This is Petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

The Lawyer gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "But that is Petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

The Lawyer leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this £1,000."
Lawyer: "But this is £500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be £500."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 29, 2015, 02:25:47 AM
What's Jeremy Clarkson's favourite drink?

Punch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Over the Bar on March 29, 2015, 07:32:29 PM
QuotePosted by: armaghniac
« on: Today at 02:25:47 AM » Insert Quote
What's Jeremy Clarkson's favourite drink?

Punch.

Sorry this is a thread for jokes. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 30, 2015, 11:32:44 AM
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!  Spit'em out!  They're assholes!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on March 30, 2015, 10:21:05 PM
The wife texted today to say she was in Casualty.
I came home from work and watched all 50 minutes of it but didn't see her on it once.
She's still not home.
I'm starving.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on March 30, 2015, 11:55:05 PM
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?






Tequila.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Niall Quinn on March 31, 2015, 03:36:23 AM
I've a ninedency to understate things.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 50fiftyball on March 31, 2015, 02:27:23 PM
I like my women like I like my bath water,

Hot enough so that I can only stay in for 30 seconds.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on April 02, 2015, 08:47:39 PM
Jesus and Saint Peter go golfing. On the first, a par three with water in front of the green, Peter stands up on the tee and hits a five iron to twenty feet from the pin. Jesus steps up, has a look towards the green, then turns to Peter and asks, "Who's the best golfer in the world?" "Right now," says Peter, "it's got to be Rory McIlroy".

"What would Rory McIlroy hit here?" asks Jesus. "For Rory," says Peter, it's probably a seven iron. But he's the best golfer in the world. For you and me it's a five."

"I'll hit the seven," says Jesus. "Don't be stupid," says Peter. "you won't get anywhere near the green and I assume you've noticed the water hazard. Take the five." "Water hazard me arse," says Jesus. "If Rory McIlroy can reach the green with a seven iron, so can Jesus Christ". "Don't say I didn't warn you," says Peter.

So Jesus takes out the seven, hits the tee shot and, sure enough, it lands in the water. "What did I tell you?" says Peter. Jesus says nothing, just picks up his bag and they head off towards the green.

When they get to the water, Jesus takes off his shoes and socks and, using one of his best-known miracle skills, he simply walks out on the surface of the water towards the spot where his ball disappeared.

At this point, two golfers playing the eighteenth come by and they stare in amazement at the sight of a bloke walking on the surface of the water. One of them says to Peter, "Wow! Who does that fella think he is - Jesus Christ?"

"No," says Peter, shaking his head. "He thinks he's Rory McIlroy."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on April 02, 2015, 11:15:41 PM
Gold walks into a bar -
The Barman says "eh you, get out of here"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on April 03, 2015, 09:51:34 AM
Quote from: BarryBreensBandage on March 30, 2015, 11:55:05 PM
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?






Tequila.
What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter?



Underlay underlay!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on April 03, 2015, 09:52:30 AM
What do you call a Pakistani swimming pool attendant?


Diji Handyerbandin
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BennyHarp on April 22, 2015, 10:19:27 PM
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

-I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

-I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

-When chemists die, apparently they barium.

-All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

-Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2015, 08:45:48 AM
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2015, 08:46:58 AM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 24, 2015, 08:49:06 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 13, 2015, 01:44:08 PM
When a visitor to Newry came upon a wild vicious dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A journalist from the Newry Reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read: Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from Newry.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, Co Down Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Armagh."

"In that case," the reporter said, "the headline should read, Armagh man Kills Family Pet."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on May 13, 2015, 02:37:31 PM
I was hurtling down a narrow mountain road at full speed on my mountain bike, when a woman came speeding around the corner in an open-top sports car.

I swerved to avoid her, and she swerved to avoid me and we avoided each other, but as she passed she screamed 'PIG!' at me.

Astounded, I turned and yelled back, 'BITCH!'

Then I rounded the bend and crashed into a pig.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on May 13, 2015, 03:31:20 PM
What is the difference between Outlaws and Inlaws?


Outlaws are Wanted.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 01, 2015, 12:52:05 AM
England should boycott the 2018 World Cup because someone needs to take a stand against corruption in Fifa and military aggression by Russia, Andy Burnham, the favourite to be the next Labour leader, has said.

Nicola Sturgeon retorted that it was too little too late and that Scotland had been boycotting the World Cup for years.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on June 07, 2015, 08:57:09 PM
At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on June 09, 2015, 04:13:26 PM
I knew someone who did 15 years in a monastery in Tibet. Frugal was certainly the word but they had the addition of a vow of silence except they were allowed to speak two words to the High Priest every 5 years. After the first 5 years, his two words were apparently 'bed's hard'. After 10 years, he told the high priest, 'food's cold'. Another 5 years later he declared 'I'm off' and the High Priest replyed 'thank f**k for that, you've done nothing but complain since they day you got here'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on June 09, 2015, 06:05:52 PM
Quote from: Windmill abu on June 07, 2015, 08:57:09 PM
At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.
Stolen from LAD.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 09, 2015, 06:45:51 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on June 09, 2015, 06:05:52 PM
Quote from: Windmill abu on June 07, 2015, 08:57:09 PM
At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.
Stolen from LAD.

How many jokes here are original?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on June 09, 2015, 07:28:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 09, 2015, 06:45:51 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on June 09, 2015, 06:05:52 PM
Quote from: Windmill abu on June 07, 2015, 08:57:09 PM
At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.
Stolen from LAD.

How many jokes here are original?
It worked better with the pictures.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on June 27, 2015, 10:40:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

She should be happy, it will help with the spring cleaning.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 27, 2015, 11:26:16 AM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 10:40:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

She should be happy, it will help with the spring cleaning.

She will be glad of the change, usually she is climbing the walls.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on June 27, 2015, 12:32:32 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 27, 2015, 11:26:16 AM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 10:40:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

She should be happy, it will help with the spring cleaning.

She will be glad of the change, usually she is climbing the walls.

If she reads this, you'll be for the high jump!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: cuconnacht on June 27, 2015, 12:44:13 PM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 12:32:32 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 27, 2015, 11:26:16 AM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 10:40:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

She should be happy, it will help with the spring cleaning.

If she reads this, you'll be for the high jump!

She will be glad of the change, usually she is climbing the walls.
Its all his own fault,he shouldn't have sprung it on her,no wonder she`d be hoppin mad.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 28, 2015, 05:57:02 PM
Quote from: cuconnacht on June 27, 2015, 12:44:13 PM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 12:32:32 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 27, 2015, 11:26:16 AM
Quote from: muppet on June 27, 2015, 10:40:53 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on June 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

She should be happy, it will help with the spring cleaning.

If she reads this, you'll be for the high jump!

She will be glad of the change, usually she is climbing the walls.
Its all his own fault,he shouldn't have sprung it on her,no wonder she`d be hoppin mad.

Well, sure I met her on the rebound.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on July 09, 2015, 09:45:03 AM
A loaded truck spilled five thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus over a wide area when it was involved in a huge multi-vehicle crash as it left a Manchester publisher's warehouse yesterday.

When our reporter caught up with eye-witnesses, he found them stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 09, 2015, 12:09:58 PM
Very good and I'm going to re-use it accordingly, suitably, fittingly, aptly and so on and so forth.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 12:24:00 PM
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004...today they could do with 2004 Euros.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 09, 2015, 12:57:41 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 12:24:00 PM
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004...today they could do with 2004 Euros.

Is that even a joke?

Like this one...

From Armagh County Board..."Come home agent McCorry your job is done, mission accomplished". ;) Prob not be laughing after Sun :-\
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 01:25:28 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 09, 2015, 12:57:41 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 12:24:00 PM
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004...today they could do with 2004 Euros.

Is that even a joke?

Like this one...

From Armagh County Board..."Come home agent McCorry your job is done, mission accomplished". ;) Prob not be laughing after Sun :-\

...at least mine was mildly amusing....as for yours we were saying that about Paddy O'Rourke years ago!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on July 09, 2015, 01:54:18 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 01:25:28 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 09, 2015, 12:57:41 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 12:24:00 PM
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004...today they could do with 2004 Euros.

Is that even a joke?

Like this one...

From Armagh County Board..."Come home agent McCorry your job is done, mission accomplished". ;) Prob not be laughing after Sun :-\

...at least mine was mildly amusing....as for yours we were saying that about Paddy O'Rourke years ago!

Typical Down man, living in the past and former glories!!! :P
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 02:12:35 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on July 09, 2015, 01:54:18 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 01:25:28 PM
Quote from: illdecide on July 09, 2015, 12:57:41 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on July 09, 2015, 12:24:00 PM
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004...today they could do with 2004 Euros.

Is that even a joke?

Like this one...

From Armagh County Board..."Come home agent McCorry your job is done, mission accomplished". ;) Prob not be laughing after Sun :-\

...at least mine was mildly amusing....as for yours we were saying that about Paddy O'Rourke years ago!

Typical Down man, living in the past and former glories!!! :P

:)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on July 09, 2015, 02:55:34 PM
I'll try this one...

What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle...?

Wipe it off and apologise.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Over the Bar on July 09, 2015, 05:44:02 PM
Did you hear about the dwarf who wandered into the ladies toilet by mistake?

He got a box in the mouth!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 14, 2015, 08:30:56 PM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.
One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have u any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.

No, i mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I dont think you understand. Doe's either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have a carport and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations are in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No i always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say: POLISH REMOVER!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Never beat the deeler on August 27, 2015, 05:34:07 AM
For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

(http://i.imgur.com/xtPzZTd.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 07:12:38 AM
Back to "jokes"
The top ten one-liners from this year's Edinburgh Fringe as just voted upon:-

1. I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free. - Darren Walsh
2. Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse...but enough about Kanye West. - Stewart Francis.
3. Surely every car is a people carrier? - Adam Hess
4. What's the difference between a "hippo" and a "Zippo"? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. - Masai Graham
5. If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't go. - Dave Green.
6. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas. - Mark Nelson
7. Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day. - Tom Parry.
8.= The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves. - Alun Cochrane.
8.= Clowns divorce. Custardy battle. - Simon Munnery.
10. They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for. - Grace the Child.

Some runners up:-

I never lie on my CV... because it creases it.- Jenny Collier.
If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.- Ian Smith.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12.59 becuase I like that one to one time.- Tom Ward.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. It's a reflective pronoun that means "me". - Ally Houston.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on August 27, 2015, 08:25:54 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: GJL on August 27, 2015, 09:09:48 AM
Quote from: haranguerer on August 27, 2015, 08:25:54 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer

Hair.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: sensethetone on August 27, 2015, 09:45:27 AM
Quote from: GJL on August 27, 2015, 09:09:48 AM
Quote from: haranguerer on August 27, 2015, 08:25:54 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer

Hair.

They've all the same face.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Never beat the deeler on August 27, 2015, 10:56:40 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

It is, its a photoshop that the page got caught out with
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on August 27, 2015, 11:44:14 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 27, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
QuoteFor the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.
Yes it is.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on August 27, 2015, 12:06:51 PM
A physio told me its impossible for that many people to have their hair in the same position
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Denn Forever on September 03, 2015, 11:22:49 AM
Roddy Doyle's analysis.

See the Monkees are Unionists.
-Wha'?
-The Monkees. The group, like – off the telly, in the '60s.
-They're fuckin' Unionists?
-Yeah.
-One o' them's dead, but.
-The other one. The one with the woolly hat.
-Mike Nesbith.
-He's the leader of the Ulster Unionist Party.
-Wha'?!
-I heard it on the radio there a few days ago. Mike Nesbith, the leader of the UUP, said they were pullin' out o' the Northern Ireland Executive. Cos o' the IRA.
-What about the IRA?
-They're playin' Game o' Thrones again.
-The IRA doesn't exist.
-Neither does Game o' Thrones but we still watch it every night.
-It can't be the same Mike Nesbith. Was he wearin' the woolly cap?
-It was the fuckin' radio – I told yeh.
-Well, did he mention anny of their hits?
-What – like? Mike Nesbith, leader o' the UUP, said he thought love was only true in fairy tales an' for someone else but not for him.
-But then he saw her face.
-Now he's a believer.
-Not a trace.
-Of doubt in his mind.
-He's in love.
-Ooooh ooooh – .
-The IRA in Game o' Thrones. That'd be good.
-They're in it already. The fuckin' Wildling
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 28, 2015, 09:41:29 PM
Notable Out of Office messages:

1. I am on vacation from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy. I will allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email.

2. I am on paid leave right now for two weeks. When I get back, I will be on paid return. Upon completing my one week of paid return, I will address any issues or questions you have at a pace I am comfortable with.  This is most likely a pace that you will not be comfortable with.

3. I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.

4. I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow, at which time I will promptly delete all of your emails.

5. Hey there, could you give me a call instead? I'd rather deal with this over the phone. If I don't answer, just keep trying. I've been having issues with my phone.

6. I am currently out of the office. I have a cell phone, but I will not be giving it to you. If you can guess the number, I will take your call.

7. I will be out of the office from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy without access to email. If this is an emergency, please call 911.

8. I'm out of the office. If you have immediate questions or concerns, please contact my manager [insert name here]. If your questions or concerns are not immediate, you might want to ask yourself why you emailed me.

9. I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.

10. I am currently in the office but swamped with work. This work was probably due to something you already requested. If you are sending me another request, go ahead and recall your email now.

11. I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.

12. I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks notice and never respond to your email.

13. I am away at lunch. You should consider trying it. P.S. - This is not an invitation.

14. Seacrest out.

15. I like balloons and cheese.

16. I am currently out of the office and probably out-of-my-mind drunk.  Enjoy your work week.

17. I am currently in the bathroom dropping a deuce. If this is an urgent matter, it only takes me about 2-3 minutes to take a dump, wipe my butt, properly wash my hands of fecal matter, and return to my desk.  Feel free to stop by my desk later and give me a high five!

18. (For men only) I am currently out of the office on maternity leave.

19. I am in the office but completely incapacitated by the monsterous Chinese buffet lunch I ate earlier today.  It would be best if your questions waited until tomorrow.  Thanks.

20. I am away from the office at this moment.  I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment.  If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment. Moment. Moment.

21. I'm away from my desk right now.  I still have my cubicle, but someone took my desk.  I went looking for it.  I'll respond to you when my desk gets back to my cubicle.

22. (For females only) I'm on vacation through the 23rd.  If you have any questions, issues, or concerns, please feel free to call my colleague [insert name here] while I'm out.  If you're a single guy, good looking, and want to travel to Mexico to have a little "fun", call me at [insert phone number here].

23. I'm out of the office due to a family emergency. Our DVR is on the fritz. I will return to work upon a succesful recording of Law & Order SVU on the USA network.

24. At doctor. Peepee like fire.

25. (For man or woman) I decided to take the morning off.  Long story, but I have to drop off Pat O'Brien after an evening of one too many cocktails and copious amounts of booger sugar.  I will respond to your email when I arrive at noon.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 25, 2015, 03:10:45 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xal1/v/t1.0-9/10636226_801072326581526_3411935512605341984_n.jpg?oh=5b20d1d1a48ddfc65bf20551baf8334c&oe=56F82CE1)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: haranguerer on November 25, 2015, 03:36:17 PM
Ach Muppet - that never actually happened, in common with almost all of those autocorrect 'funnies'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 25, 2015, 04:02:17 PM
Quote from: haranguerer on November 25, 2015, 03:36:17 PM
Ach Muppet - that never actually happened, in common with almost all of those autocorrect 'funnies'

And in common with most jokes.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 25, 2015, 05:38:17 PM
Quote from: muppet on November 25, 2015, 04:02:17 PM
Quote from: haranguerer on November 25, 2015, 03:36:17 PM
Ach Muppet - that never actually happened, in common with almost all of those autocorrect 'funnies'

And in common with most jokes.

Most jokes don't pretend to be real.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 25, 2015, 05:52:10 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on November 25, 2015, 05:38:17 PM
Quote from: muppet on November 25, 2015, 04:02:17 PM
Quote from: haranguerer on November 25, 2015, 03:36:17 PM
Ach Muppet - that never actually happened, in common with almost all of those autocorrect 'funnies'

And in common with most jokes.

Most jokes don't pretend to be real.

Sorry Ziggy. I didn't realise there was a rule on whether jokes shouldn't be posted if they are pretending to be real.

Maybe you should amend the rules of the board.

Being the mod and all that. But then you pretend you are not the mod.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on November 25, 2015, 07:17:18 PM
I thought it was funny muppet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 25, 2015, 08:20:58 PM
Quote from: laoislad on November 25, 2015, 07:17:18 PM
I thought it was funny muppet.

Thank you. And happy birthday!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 25, 2015, 08:24:37 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/530578_10151340343539443_1001287746_n.jpg?oh=8228ee4ba1aa26c59e2ba0fe379b5e8a&oe=56E14799)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 25, 2015, 08:28:54 PM
He clearly missed out Liz Windsor and her brood.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on November 25, 2015, 08:43:40 PM
Quote from: muppet on November 25, 2015, 08:20:58 PM
Quote from: laoislad on November 25, 2015, 07:17:18 PM
I thought it was funny muppet.

Thank you. And happy birthday!
Lol ! thanks.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 25, 2015, 08:52:00 PM
Quote from: muppet on November 25, 2015, 08:24:37 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/530578_10151340343539443_1001287746_n.jpg?oh=8228ee4ba1aa26c59e2ba0fe379b5e8a&oe=56E14799)

That was funny. You've redeemed yourself.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 26, 2015, 11:06:46 AM
In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes.

She owns the local pub called The c**k Inn.

Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The c**k Inn
ERBUM
Tillet,
Herts.

If you don't get it , just keep saying it out loud!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: pullhard on December 10, 2015, 08:54:15 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on December 10, 2015, 09:40:59 AM
3 sisters living in the same house, 92, 94 and 96 years old. 96 year old is up in the bathroom and finds herself with one foot in the bath and one out. Can't remember if she's getting in or out so shouts down for help. 94 year old says she'll be up in a minute to help. As she was about to go up the stairs she gets all confused and says to the 92 year old "was I going to go up the stairs, or had I just come down?" 92 year old shakes her head and thanks God she isn't like that yet, touch wood and raps the wooden table twice for good luck. "I'll be out to ye as soon as I find out who's at the door"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 10:32:07 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 10:39:14 AM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 10:40:11 AM
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 10, 2015, 01:07:04 PM
Welcome back to the jokes thread Illdecide, but you need to do better.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mickey Linden on December 10, 2015, 01:13:38 PM
Did yous hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes? He won a nobell prize.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on December 10, 2015, 02:49:31 PM
Heard this Rosconmon fella bragging about his conquests.  Asked him how many he'd been with. He started counting silently and then just nodded off.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 03:44:58 PM
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 03:50:54 PM
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on December 10, 2015, 03:57:30 PM
Quote from: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 03:50:54 PM
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

Bit creepy to be honest.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
Quote from: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 10:39:14 AM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
But it wasn't funny either.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on December 10, 2015, 07:41:31 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
But it wasn't funny either.
In your opinion
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on December 10, 2015, 07:42:20 PM
Quote from: HiMucker on December 10, 2015, 07:41:31 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
But it wasn't funny either.
In your opinion

Based on the previous five or six efforts, I think there's plenty of evidence to support the opinion.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: HiMucker on December 10, 2015, 07:47:03 PM
Quote from: gallsman on December 10, 2015, 07:42:20 PM
Quote from: HiMucker on December 10, 2015, 07:41:31 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
But it wasn't funny either.
In your opinion

Based on the previous five or six efforts, I think there's plenty of evidence to support the opinion.
Here have a fcukin look at the thread title, I don't think we are on here critiquing the next Billy Connolly  :) 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 08:13:52 PM
Customs took away my fortified wine.
I've been de-ported.

I'd an energy assessor come to my house
He gave me a draught report.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 10, 2015, 08:26:09 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 10, 2015, 06:12:23 PM
Quote from: Maguire01 on December 10, 2015, 05:40:07 PM
So basically his father thinks inbreeding is preferable to evolution. Hmmm.

A person with a sense of humour is preferable to a nit picker.
But it wasn't funny either.

Don't laugh then. I'll send them thru to u first to see if u approve before posting
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on December 10, 2015, 08:27:52 PM
Oul Doll talking to her next door neighbour about her visit to the doctor about her constipation.

"Well Mary. I went to the doctor and he gave me a bottle of tablets and he told me to place two of them in my back passage every day for a week and come back and see me. For all the good they did me I might as well have shoved them up my hole."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on December 11, 2015, 01:45:10 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on December 10, 2015, 08:27:52 PM
Oul Doll talking to her next door neighbour about her visit to the doctor about her constipation.

"Well Mary. I went to the doctor and he gave me a bottle of tablets and he told me to place two of them in my back passage every day for a week and come back and see me. For all the good they did me I might as well have shoved them up my hole."

That was rubbish too. Though in fairness, better than any of illdecide's latest offerings.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 11, 2015, 08:35:10 AM
Quote from: ziggysego on December 11, 2015, 01:45:10 AM
Quote from: 5 Sams on December 10, 2015, 08:27:52 PM
Oul Doll talking to her next door neighbour about her visit to the doctor about her constipation.

"Well Mary. I went to the doctor and he gave me a bottle of tablets and he told me to place two of them in my back passage every day for a week and come back and see me. For all the good they did me I might as well have shoved them up my hole."

That was rubbish too. Though in fairness, better than any of illdecide's latest offerings.

What were u doing up at that hour Mod Ziggy ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 11, 2015, 09:06:19 AM
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Keyser soze on December 11, 2015, 09:29:11 AM
Put under pressure, Illdecide has responded by considerably upping his game  :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on December 11, 2015, 09:32:52 AM
illdecide is on the Christmas sherry early this year!!!  Pulling crackers all round the place!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Soup an Samajiz on December 11, 2015, 10:31:59 AM
What's E.T. short for..?



cuz he's only got small wee legs.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on December 11, 2015, 10:33:45 AM
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"  "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Dinny Breen on December 11, 2015, 10:39:42 AM
Someone just told me the Irish word for the number seven. Shocked!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AZOffaly on December 11, 2015, 10:40:30 AM
Quote from: Dinny Breen on December 11, 2015, 10:39:42 AM
Someone just told me the Irish word for the number seven. Shocked!

I actually groaned out loud at that one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on December 11, 2015, 11:14:40 AM
Quote from: Dinny Breen on December 11, 2015, 10:39:42 AM
Someone just told me the Irish word for the number seven. Shocked!

Fantastic!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on December 11, 2015, 12:46:56 PM
A fanatical Russian communist called Rudolph was lying in bed one night when his Mrs mentioned it had started snowing. "How do you know?" asked Rudolph. "Because I hear it hitting the roof" came the reply. Rudolph did what all men do and thought how best to approach this without calling the woman stupid. "if you can hear it then surely it must be raining and not snowing" he said. His Mrs was adamant that it was snow and the to and fro continued until Rudolph eventually said "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 11, 2015, 01:06:58 PM
Mother Superior called all the nuns together. 'l must tell you all something', she said. 'We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God', said an elderly nun at the back. 'l'm so tired of chardonnay.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: joemamas on December 11, 2015, 02:20:38 PM
Quote from: Dinny Breen on December 11, 2015, 10:39:42 AM
Someone just told me the Irish word for the number seven. Shocked!

Were ye talking about the score in The All-Q final.......

Just Kidding. >:(
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on December 12, 2015, 12:48:57 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/10313955_971160952930641_3484867934415294697_n.jpg?oh=45482b0cf3a94ce6ba62757860b8ca61&oe=56D5DDA9)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on December 12, 2015, 01:37:59 PM
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book, enjoying the peace and solitude.

Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'Yes, but I see ... '
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on December 27, 2015, 02:07:28 AM
I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "amazing legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so?". I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!

WAS driving to work yesterday when I didn't notice the car in front and ended up going into the back of it. I went to speak to the driver and a dwarf got out. I said to him: "You all right, mate?" "I'm not happy," he said. "Which one are you then?" I asked.

This is hilarious. Medical shorthand
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2008/feb/04/health.healthandwellbeing
One missing. "TFBundy" which means "Totally fucked but unfortunately not dead yet"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 27, 2015, 02:21:46 AM
QuoteOne morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.

Nice to see jokes recycled (http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?topic=121.msg175336#msg175336) for our younger viewers.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 23, 2016, 10:37:34 PM
A man goes into a shop to buy a brain. The shopkeeper says "On the bottom shelf here, we have the brain of the man who had four A's in his A-Levels. That brain is £100"

"Then on the middle shelf, is the brain of a man who got an Oxford degree in Nuclear Physics and had a Masters from Cambridge University in Medieval Russian. It costs £200"

"And finally on the top shelf there is a brain priced at £10,000"

"Wow" says the customer "Whose brain was that?"

"It was Ruth Patterson's brain" said the shopkeeper.

"But why is it so expensive?" asked the customer.

The shopkeeper replied "It was never used"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 28, 2016, 01:40:21 PM
An old man was lying in his hospital bed, when he turned to the pretty nurse attending him and said "Can I have a kiss?"

"No!" She replied.

"Oh go on, please" he said sweetly.

"No" she replied again.

"Please, just a little peck" he pleaded.

"For the last time no, I shouldn't even be w**king you off".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on January 28, 2016, 04:48:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 28, 2016, 01:40:21 PM
An old man was lying in his hospital bed, when he turned to the pretty nurse attending him and said "Can I have a kiss?"

"No!" She replied.

"Oh go on, please" he said sweetly.

"No" she replied again.

"Please, just a little peck" he pleaded.

"For the last time no, I shouldn't even be w**king you off".

Words couldn't possibly describe how p!ss poor that effort was.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on January 28, 2016, 04:54:26 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 28, 2016, 01:40:21 PM
An old man was lying in his hospital bed, when he turned to the pretty nurse attending him and said "Can I have a kiss?"

"No!" She replied.

"Oh go on, please" he said sweetly.

"No" she replied again.

"Please, just a little peck" he pleaded.

"For the last time no, I shouldn't even be w**king you off".

That's as good a joke as I've seen on here in a long time!!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Keyser soze on January 28, 2016, 05:03:54 PM
I'm getting really pissed off at people posting corny ones on here on a thursday. FFS can you not read the thread title!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 28, 2016, 05:07:15 PM
Post on Thursday - read on Friday!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on January 28, 2016, 05:56:20 PM
Quote from: Orior on January 28, 2016, 05:07:15 PM
Post on Thursday - read on Friday!

Sure it is Friday in New Zealand.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2016, 11:39:37 AM
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, "You are back early, what's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee!" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." she replied. He nodded and said, "Your stance is far too wide."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2016, 11:50:40 AM
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2016, 11:54:55 AM
One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn't have received? The first one said, "I'd give it back as it wasn't mine and I wasn't entitled to it." When he asked the second one she replied, "I'd give it to Charity." When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, "I'd keep it for myself and go out for a drink." Which one of the three women got the job?


The one with the biggest tits!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on January 29, 2016, 12:03:58 PM
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts and motorboats her for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: The Gs Man on January 29, 2016, 01:19:09 PM
I was talking to the man who invented the window sill last week.

What a ledge.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 29, 2016, 01:47:42 PM
I can guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
- Really? Go on then - have a go.

Fondle, fiddle, foodle, fondle, fondle, .... foodle, fiddle, fondle, foodle, fondle ...

Come on! What day was I born?
- Yesterday.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 29, 2016, 04:18:12 PM
Quote from: Hardy on January 29, 2016, 01:47:42 PM
I can guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
- Really? Go on then - have a go.

Fondle, fiddle, foodle, fondle, fondle, .... foodle, fiddle, fondle, foodle, fondle ...

Come on! What day was I born?
- Yesterday.

One more fondle and she would be calling you a pervert.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 29, 2016, 04:36:20 PM
CHANGE ONE LETTER IN A REAL WORD, MAKE A NEW WORD

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Karmageddon: When everybody gives such really bad vibes that the Earth explodes.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed when you walk through a spider web.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops ideas from penetrating.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 01, 2016, 04:24:24 PM
The Pope asks one of the Cardinals for help with a crossword. "I need a 4-letter word, commonly used to refer to women...it ends in -unt."

The Cardinal replies, "Aunt?"

The Pope says, "I don't suppose you have an eraser, do you?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 12:50:36 AM
This fella walks into the poshest restaurant in town!
"Where's the goddamn, mother f**king Manager you c**k sucking arsewipe?"
he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir  but could
you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the
manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, " Are you the chicken  f**king,
manager of this bastard joint?".

"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you  could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private
restaurant".
"f**k off" replies the bloke "and where's the f**king piano?"
"Pardon ?" says the manager.

"f**king deaf as well, are we? You little piece of snivelling shit,  show
us  your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job"  and
shows  the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?".
"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most  inspiring and
beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager  has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep  hurting me
knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit
disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The man  proceeds,
playing the most melancholy jazz  solo the manager
has ever heard.

"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w**k over the washin' machine but me balls got caught  in the
soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads,  the man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called ?" asks the manager.

"As I f**k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your  hairy
ring-piece," replies the man.
The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him  the
job  on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of  months
until one  night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has
ever  laid his  eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her
tits are
almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy  little
`G' string  she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is
sitting  there with  her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots and  the butter is dripping down her chin!. Anyway its too much for the man and he runs off to the jacks to
`wrestle  with his bald headed  champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he
hears the managers  voice "Where's that bastard pianist ?".
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to  the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits  down and starts
playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and  whispers
in  his ear, "Do you know your knob and  bollocks are hanging out your
trousers and dripping jissum on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it ?
I f**king wrote it"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on February 09, 2016, 01:41:02 AM
0 out of 10.   ???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 09, 2016, 10:13:28 AM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on February 09, 2016, 01:41:02 AM
0 out of 10.   ???

That's too generous
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 09, 2016, 10:31:45 AM
A Stabane man went into the doctor and said that he had a problem that he went to Lifford every day and drank 10 pints.
The doctor replied that wasn't good, that he was borderline alchoholic.

I went to Tescos to get Eight cans of Sprite
when i got home i found i had picked seven up
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 11:33:39 AM
 Three lads enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms  , the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
    They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the  pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.  The head of course sank straight to the bottom.   Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can     still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he  had better dive down to rescue him.  He picks up the head, swims
back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the
head catches his breath and shouts: " Three f**king years I've spent learning to swim with my f**king ears,  then two minutes before the
whistle, some f**ker puts a swimming cap on me".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 02:25:21 PM
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
  *******************************************

NAME____________________________________________________________________
__ _
________________________________________________________________________
__ _

___________________________________________________________

__________(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)


SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage
and killing three people.  The old man asks his local TD to
intervene in
the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a
payment
of  y.  The difference between x and y is three times the life
insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian
driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer.  In the
course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji
and
Chloe doesn't even notice the difference.  Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only
has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14
Rohypnol,
how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a
size  8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks,
she   has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano.   How much does
  liposuction cost?
  5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality.  Three days a week he
fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners.
However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does
his Sunday Independent column start?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 02:29:04 PM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.   "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.  Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"  "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.  "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 09, 2016, 02:36:48 PM
Quote from: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 02:29:04 PM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.   "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.  Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"  "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.  "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Thats class...never heard that one before ;)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 02:56:06 PM
man walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers, The bartender said, "sir, did you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?"  the man said, "arrgh, it's driving me nuts."


Blind man got a cheese grater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 02:58:08 PM
Vodka Xmas Cake Christmas Cake

Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice
4 large eggs nuts 1 bottle Vodka 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
Try another cup.... just in case. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who giveshz a shit. Check the vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat. Fall into bed.


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..... you know ... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK..... you know ... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB.... you know Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies..... "I'm a WIFE ... you know, Wash, Iron, f**k, Etc."


Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was very excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to perform two long solos. After the sessions were finished, Jerry could not wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for an adult movie that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing sunglasses, went to the theater where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be incognito. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever: group sex, S&M, golden showers. Then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action! Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog had sex with all the women and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're only here to see our dog."

Little Red Riding Hood was out in the woods again -- some girls never learn -- when she saw another wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," said Little Red. The surprised wolf jumped up and ran away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," she sang out. Again the foiled wolf jumped up and ran away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," she mocked. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on February 09, 2016, 03:08:23 PM
answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz.

1)       Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2)       A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3)       Name the Capital of France? F
4)       Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5)       Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6)       Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7)       What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8)As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in @#%$
9)       Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10)       A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11)       Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12)       An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse
13)       Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14)       A famous Royal ? Mail
15)       Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ? A bicycle with
wings
16)       A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17)       Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18)       Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19)       A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20)       Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21)       A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22)       Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23)       Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24)       Something you put on walls ? A roof
25)       Something Slippery ? A conman
26)       A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27)       A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28)       A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29)       A famous Scotsman? Jock
30)       A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
31)       Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 12, 2016, 11:20:10 AM
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 12, 2016, 11:21:00 AM
What's the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2016, 11:44:10 AM
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of trainers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Trainers won't help you outrun that bear.' 'I don't need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on February 19, 2016, 11:47:29 AM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on February 19, 2016, 12:23:16 PM
What has 40 feet and stinks of p!ss?
The front row of a Daniel O Donnell concert.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 22, 2016, 11:38:34 AM
Given the times that are in it.....

An Englishman, an Scotsman and an Irish man got 3 wishes from a genie, they decided to take one each.

The Englishman said to build a giant wall around England to keep all the bloody foreigners out.
The Scotsman asked to be locked in a castle with a 50 year supply of whisky and 10 beautiful red haired women.

The Irishman said, tell me more about the Englishman's wall. The genie said it is one mile high and half a mile thick and completely surrounds England with no way through.

Fair enough says the Irishman, fill her up with water so.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on February 26, 2016, 12:40:54 PM
Politics in Ireland

AAA – PBP
You have two cows, AAA closes the market, takes your milk and gives it to their sheep. They then protest at your farm against capitalism and globalization.

Fianna Fáil
You have two cows, FF promises you top rate for your milk, tells you to borrow money for more cows and that they will build houses for your cows. You bankrupt your entire parish.

Fine Gael
You have two cows, one refuses to do interviews with Browne Cow & both deny any connection to Digi-cow.  FG takes your milk to give to the banks but promises to give it back. FG tells you & the cows to blame Fianna Fáil.

Green Party
You have two cows, the Greens make your cows walk to the creamery and charge you taxes on their flatulence.

Independent Alliance
You have two cows, the Independent Alliance promises not to use the whip on them. It promises more milk and less milk and is both for and against raising and lowering milk quotas.

Labour Party
You have two cows, the Labour Party takes all of your current milk, all of your future milk and gives you a pint of milk back. They insist you should be grateful.  There is a strong scent of bull from them.

Renua
You have two cows, Renua promises to reduce the amount of milk you give and promises to have more milk for everyone. Your cows scratch their heads.

Sinn Féin
You have two cows, one, the Jersey, denies membership of the IFA. SF promises to take 5% of every cow in tax, each year and insists this will work, because it has been 'costed'.

Social Democrats
You have two cows, as do many of your neighbours, the SDs promise to make them all joint party-leaders and to provide IKEA cowsheds for all cows.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 03, 2016, 02:59:54 PM
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2016, 10:23:07 AM
Why don't blondes get sick very often?
-
Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2016, 10:25:28 AM
What do you call a blonde who lost 95% of her intelligence?
-
A widow!

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on March 11, 2016, 10:26:04 AM
There is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in Grade 5. Which of the girls has the largest breasts?
-
The blonde one, she's already 18.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on March 11, 2016, 01:16:41 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqHPqTDHxJs&ebc
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on March 17, 2016, 01:32:44 PM
Ron White: If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on March 17, 2016, 03:15:07 PM
That is one story I will not be telling the girls from HR, lol.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on March 17, 2016, 07:01:55 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 17, 2016, 03:15:07 PM
That is one story I will not be telling the girls from HR, lol.

Would they not understand?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: stephenite on March 18, 2016, 10:16:30 AM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on March 17, 2016, 07:01:55 PM
Quote from: Orior on March 17, 2016, 03:15:07 PM
That is one story I will not be telling the girls from HR, lol.

Would they not understand?

;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on March 23, 2016, 04:19:22 PM
I was just looking up funniest tweets of the year and while not a joke in the real sense this fella from Cork made one right one.
Seemingly he was out working a lot and the wife, now his ex wife, was a fan of the Waterboys - The Whole of the Moon and all that.

His tweet "Hi, still a fan of the Waterboy's?  "While I was out working, you rode the whole of Macroom"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Bud Wiser on April 03, 2016, 05:51:40 PM
Tweet from Damien Tierney from RTE who last week attended above all things a Club Football match in South Kilkenny.
His tweet "At Clb football here in Kilkenny, First ball goes over sideline - player shouts at manager "Do I throw it or kick it?" (https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/12718009_1082034505152277_6015014689643619316_n.jpg?oh=d04aeace4b87ad0bf104e2bfcf6ec945&oe=577E5382)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 11, 2016, 09:35:51 PM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!

Which just goes to prove that you can't kill two birds with OneStone.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results. 

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!" 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on May 03, 2016, 08:58:35 PM
It wasn't funny the first time you posted it a few hours ago.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trueblue1234 on May 04, 2016, 05:34:07 PM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results.

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!"

I'm speechless. I mean WTF?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 05:37:50 PM
Quote from: trueblue1234 on May 04, 2016, 05:34:07 PM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results.

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!"

I'm speechless. I mean WTF?

Agreed. Who in the name of fcuk would find that even remotely funny???
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: oakleaflad on May 04, 2016, 05:56:02 PM

A couple from Dungiven are planning a date. The girlfriend is wrecking her brain trying to think of ideas, then she remembers there's a festival happening in Derry.

"Hi sur, do ye like Jazz?" she asks.

"Aye, fuckin right I do bai..." he replies "...the bit when thon big shark eats the boy is class!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 04, 2016, 08:58:51 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 05:37:50 PM
Quote from: trueblue1234 on May 04, 2016, 05:34:07 PM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results.

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!"

I'm speechless. I mean WTF?

Agreed. Who in the name of fcuk would find that even remotely funny???

Well, you see its like this, L is the first letter of both L.... ah feck it, you work it out.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 09:47:39 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2016, 08:58:51 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 05:37:50 PM
Quote from: trueblue1234 on May 04, 2016, 05:34:07 PM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results.

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!"

I'm speechless. I mean WTF?

Agreed. Who in the name of fcuk would find that even remotely funny???

Well, you see its like this, L is the first letter of both L.... ah feck it, you work it out.

Ach no come on, of course I can work it out. You think it's funny?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 04, 2016, 11:25:32 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 09:47:39 PM
Quote from: Orior on May 04, 2016, 08:58:51 PM
Quote from: gawa316 on May 04, 2016, 05:37:50 PM
Quote from: trueblue1234 on May 04, 2016, 05:34:07 PM
Quote from: StGallsGAA on May 03, 2016, 08:52:29 PM
It was the Aul Lammas Fair in Ballycastle in 2013.  Brendan Rodgers, pulling up the collars of his coat to avoid being recognised,  slipped inconspicuously into the fortune-teller's tent.   He crossed the palm of the mystic with silver and asked what her crystal ball could foretell about sports results.

The Mystic said that in 2014 a golfer called Rory would win the British Open and in 2015 a boxer called Fury would win the Heavyweight World Title.

"Can you see anything else?" asked Brendan eagerly.   "Yes!" replied the mystic. " In  2016 the Premier League will be won by a team starting with the letter L whose manager's surname starts with an R!"

I'm speechless. I mean WTF?

Agreed. Who in the name of fcuk would find that even remotely funny???

Well, you see its like this, L is the first letter of both L.... ah feck it, you work it out.

Ach no come on, of course I can work it out. You think it's funny?

On a scale of 1 to 10, probably 2.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on May 05, 2016, 02:07:36 AM
(https://scontent-bru2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13133391_1184341381600306_557464966646379687_n.jpg?oh=5a07a805aeffee6ae467ae9eb47e2b49&oe=579AEBE9)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: AZOffaly on May 05, 2016, 12:32:32 PM
Robbing this :)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: under the bar on May 05, 2016, 08:54:42 PM
What's so funny about Obi Wan Camogie holding a Hurley stick?  One that's obviously R2D too big for him!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 10:39:00 AM


The increasing rate of litigation means that there is a far higher chance that doctors will be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk), FLK (Funny looking kid) or GROLIES (Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt).
Dr Fox recounts the tale of one doctor who had scribbled TTFO - an expletive expression roughly translated as "Told To Go Away" - on a patient's notes.

He told BBC News Online: "This guy was asked by the judge what the acronym meant, and luckily for him he had the presence of mind to say: 'To take fluids orally'."

Quaint up North

Regional dialects abound, even in the world of the medical abbreviation.

In the north of England, the TTR (Tea Time Review) of a patient is commonplace, but not in the south.

And the number of terms for patients believed to be somewhat intellectually challenged is enormous.



From LOBNH (Lights On But Nobody Home), CNS-QNS (Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient), to the delightful term "pumpkin positive", which refers to the implication that a penlight shone into the patient's mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up.

Regular visitors to A&E on a Friday or Saturday night are also classified.

DBI refers to "Dirt Bag Index", and multiplies the number of tattoos with the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.

A PFO refers to a drunken patient who sustained injury falling over, while a PGT "Got Thumped" instead.


MEDICAL TERMS - A GLOSSARY

Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery

Departure lounge - geriatric ward

Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag

Woolworth's Test - Anaesthetic term (if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 11:41:30 AM
Mouth like the inside of Gandhi's flip-flop
A fart in a space suit
Knickers: Up and down like the Assyrian Empire
Buggering about like a fart in a bottle.

Standing about like a fairy on a midden
A face like a half-sucked Disprin.
lunch a thousand chips?
look better on a doily.
A face like a plasterer's radio, obviously.
She had a face made for radio.
She could stop a police horse at 50 foot
face like a bag of walnuts
Looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.
A face like vinegar on a pin.
Sticky as Mae West's gusset.
Sweating like a bull in nylon knickers.

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 11:52:57 AM
I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "amazing legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so?". I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 12:27:53 PM
#A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....  'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

#Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
#My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

# I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.   "Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."
He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 12:29:10 PM
1.) FINE : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 02:25:35 PM
Two nuns driving home to the convent, very late at night. Suddenly a vampire lands on the bonnet. The nun at the wheel screams at her companion, "Quick, show him your cross Sister Patricia, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!".

So she winds down the window, sticks out her head and yells at the demon, "Get your arse off the fuckin' bonnet, NOW! You dick-head!".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on May 06, 2016, 03:25:35 PM
Ahh well done Seafoid...have you been going thru the earlier pages on this thread :-X
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 06, 2016, 06:01:30 PM
> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day
   > finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
   > the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
   > when her mobile phone rang.
      > It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had
   > just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and
   > in the ICU.    > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she
   > was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised
   > she was leaving  what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
   > boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
   > to the hospital.
   >
   >  > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing
   > her trip with a cup f coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice,
   > compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
   >
   >   > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
   > she dashed to the hospital.She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
   > husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
   went ahead and finished    your shopping trip didn't you! I hope
   you're proud of yourself!    While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
   yourself in town,  your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care
   Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will
   more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest
   of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be
   your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
   > sobbed.  Scroll down
      > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just
   > pulling your leg. He's
   > dead. Show me what you bought.'
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on May 06, 2016, 06:48:53 PM
(https://scontent-bru2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13164441_10209322608603298_2022005864735195326_n.jpg?oh=d5e672e9e8e01dcc6758d59ee0aac037&oe=57E7966F)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on May 15, 2016, 04:50:28 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CigjVb-WsAElCFR.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: mikehunt on May 16, 2016, 01:51:20 PM
A well-to-do alco arrived home pissed one night.  His wife gave him him the ultimatum that if he came home drunk again she would leave him. He loved her dearly so made another attempt to stop but like all alkies found himself in a bar. He drank vodka to hide the smell of alcohol but drank so much he got sick all over himself. Knowing his dear wife would leave him he broke down on the bar stool. The barman asked him what was wrong. Having heard the ultimatum the barman suggested he put 20 euro in his pocket and tell his wife someone had got sick on him and given him the money for the dry cleaning bill. He arrived home and explained that someone had got sick on him and given him the 20. The wife was not convinced and asked what the other 20 note in his hand was for. 'Oh that's from the man who shat in my pants'.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on May 23, 2016, 04:42:25 PM
Remember when Louis van Gaal subbed a Goalkeeper at the World Cup and it meant United were going to win the quadruple, Britain's Got Talent and The Super Bowl...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on June 01, 2016, 12:27:27 AM
If you were 7 when Red Red Wine was released, then UB40 now.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on June 21, 2016, 11:56:32 PM
(https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13450307_10206761043041516_3042357640165425719_n.jpg?oh=6791789097f3cd15d594878ee4a5f37e&oe=57CDFD36)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Over the Bar on June 22, 2016, 12:17:13 AM
QuoteRemember when Louis van Gaal subbed a Goalkeeper at the World Cup and it meant United were going to win the quadruple, Britain's Got Talent and The Super Bowl...

Not quite as funny as every Liverpool fan welcoming in their first league title in a generation until Stevie slipped!  😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

A bit like a smiling God meeting you at the pearly gates only for him to pull off the mask laughing and chuck you into the furnace with a trident!  😈😈😈
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 15, 2016, 01:26:36 PM
Why was Boris Johnson given the Foreign Office?

Apparently Theresa May produced a list and F. Off was beside his name!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on August 23, 2016, 12:22:39 AM
(http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Sober-Steve.png)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 23, 2016, 12:23:37 PM
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." - Stuart Mitchell
3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second" - Will Duggan
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" -Phil Nicol
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on August 23, 2016, 09:04:21 PM
(http://i0.wp.com/viz.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Screen-Shot-2016-02-21-at-18.23.35.png)

For those Viz and Sid the Sexist aficionados between us...this is pure genius.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gallsman on August 23, 2016, 09:10:44 PM
http://thesetpieces.com/features/sweeper-steve-bruce-review/

A fantastic review of a murder mystery novel written by... Steve Bruce.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on August 24, 2016, 10:54:51 AM
Quote from: gallsman on August 23, 2016, 09:10:44 PM
http://thesetpieces.com/features/sweeper-steve-bruce-review/

A fantastic review of a murder mystery novel written by... Steve Bruce.

This should be in the 'wtf' thread.  Highly recommended link.  :o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Billys Boots on September 05, 2016, 04:39:15 PM
QUESTION
Are  you as moral as you think you are? This  test only has one question, but it's  a very important one. By  giving an honest answer, you will discover whether you  are a truly moral  person. The  test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will  have to make a decision. Only  you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be  honest.

THE SITUATION:
You are in  Florida . . . Miami, to be specific. Chaos is all around you, caused by a hurricane andsevere flooding.  It's a flood of biblical  proportions.  You are a  photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic  disaster. The situation is  nearly hopeless. You're  trying to shoot career-making photos.  There are houses and people swirling  around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive  fury.

THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the  water. He's fighting for his life, trying not to be taken  down with the debris.  You move closer. The man looks strangely familiar. You suddenly realize who it is: It's Donald Trump!  At the same  time, you notice that the  raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU  HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic, Pulitzer  Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of this country's richest men, a man hell bent on becoming the leader of the free  world.

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please  give an honest answer: "Would you select high contrast color film, or  would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and  white?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on September 16, 2016, 09:59:45 AM
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own f**king blanket
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on September 23, 2016, 09:14:27 AM
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on September 23, 2016, 12:32:43 PM
Quote from: laoislad on September 23, 2016, 09:14:27 AM
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

You and Fearon are mates!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 23, 2016, 03:06:38 PM
My mate was telling me that too. Which was ironic, because we we were standing on the Luas tracks, which are quite irony.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 23, 2016, 03:09:35 PM
Quote from: Hardy on September 23, 2016, 03:06:38 PM
My mate was telling me that too. Which was ironic, because we we were standing on the Luas tracks, which are quite irony.

Was his name Ferrous?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 23, 2016, 04:02:08 PM
Just found out that I passed my employer's drugs test.
My dealer now has some explaining to do
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on September 23, 2016, 09:29:09 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on September 23, 2016, 03:09:35 PM
Quote from: Hardy on September 23, 2016, 03:06:38 PM
My mate was telling me that too. Which was ironic, because we we were standing on the Luas tracks, which are quite irony.

Was his name Ferrous?

We called him Rusty.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on September 24, 2016, 07:15:30 AM

Bull McCabe parody
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otUjusPFWTM
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on September 24, 2016, 07:35:18 AM
Donald Trump by the same person
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIVHJ8kuinc
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 24, 2016, 08:29:24 AM
Quote from: seafoid on September 24, 2016, 07:35:18 AM
Donald Trump by the same person
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIVHJ8kuinc

Does the cussing make it funnier?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on September 24, 2016, 02:00:15 PM
Quote from: seafoid on September 24, 2016, 07:15:30 AM

Bull McCabe parody
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otUjusPFWTM

That's probably very funny if you understand jabberbabble.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 13, 2016, 10:05:15 PM
An oldie but a goldie!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjEkjeVzL34
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 16, 2016, 02:11:04 PM
http://www.independent.ie/videos/have-you-seen/video-irish-hotel-wins-award-for-this-funny-video-35127779.html#play
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 16, 2016, 02:16:44 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 13, 2016, 10:05:15 PM
An oldie but a goldie!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjEkjeVzL34
Absolutely top notch
the whistling is not made up either
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 18, 2016, 11:05:37 AM
Banter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THKj6xXzHW4
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on October 19, 2016, 12:19:22 PM
Stewart Lee - Flags and UKIP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1q-Y20uExc
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 19, 2016, 09:37:10 PM
You can't fix stupid. This is one of the funniest comedians I have heard in a very long time.

It starts a bit slow, but just wait.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcJCCwC7Hpo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcJCCwC7Hpo)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: 5 Sams on October 22, 2016, 02:06:25 PM
Can be a bit close to the bone but very, very funny..

http://www.joe.co.uk/entertainment/frankie-boyle-more-like-frankie-boylol/86992

No.6 is a clinker ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Asal Mor on October 22, 2016, 07:20:42 PM
Brilliant. Frankie is talented. There are a good few comedians nowadays who are very extreme, but Frankie is miles ahead of them. 
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on October 27, 2016, 07:12:56 PM
I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on October 27, 2016, 08:03:58 PM
Right over my head.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on October 27, 2016, 08:06:41 PM
Quote from: Orior on October 27, 2016, 08:03:58 PM
Right over my head.

how do you not get that?

Oh and LL...rule number 1!!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 15, 2016, 02:23:00 AM
Donald Trump announced today that one of the first things he will do when he becomes President will be to ban pre-packaged cheese.

He wants to make America grate again
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 15, 2016, 07:13:47 PM
http://theulsterfry.com/local-news/country-and-irish-language-school-to-open-in-co-tyrone/
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 15, 2016, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 22, 2016, 02:06:25 PM
Can be a bit close to the bone but very, very funny..

http://www.joe.co.uk/entertainment/frankie-boyle-more-like-frankie-boylol/86992

No.6 is a clinker ;D

No 19 was my favourite  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 15, 2016, 11:54:49 PM
Quote from: ziggysego on November 15, 2016, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: 5 Sams on October 22, 2016, 02:06:25 PM
Can be a bit close to the bone but very, very funny..

http://www.joe.co.uk/entertainment/frankie-boyle-more-like-frankie-boylol/86992

No.6 is a clinker ;D

No 19 was my favourite  ;D

Brilliant.

This is also excellent:

(https://m0.joe.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/19161015/ezgif-2416182761.gif)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on November 20, 2016, 01:46:50 PM
Peter Cook on Clive Anderson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjE7XlYIAIY
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on November 29, 2016, 07:01:03 PM
Three fellas enter a disabled swimming contest . The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the
    pool.      The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no
legs is closing fast.  The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
  Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can
  still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides
he     had better dive down to rescue him.  He picks up the head, swims
back  up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool,    where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the  head catches his breath and shouts: " Three f**king years I've spent
   learning to swim with my f**king ears,  then two minutes before the   whistle, some f**ker puts a swimming cap on me"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on November 30, 2016, 06:52:38 PM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15181278_1180343215407166_4118488887241453679_n.jpg?oh=44c36eedcee5f197f81f942ec89f57d1&oe=58C02D60)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on December 01, 2016, 09:55:36 AM
This is fabliss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuH_rZFGFXo
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on December 07, 2016, 09:10:50 PM
Prince Charles was on a visit to the Mourne Mountains.
After finishing his walk a reporter asked him "What do you think of County Down?"
He replied "It hasn't been the same since Carol Vorderman left".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 08, 2016, 05:41:17 PM
Cadbury have had to withdraw their Brexit Xmas selection.
The double deckers contained fraudulent information about the contents.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 12, 2016, 10:48:46 PM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on December 14, 2016, 11:36:37 PM
Some useful tips from Viz:

Church goers - save money by choosing a place of worship with a new roof.​

Cinema builders - don't bother installing a front row as nobody ever sits there. Simply start in the second row.

Home owners - potatoes wrapped in tinfoil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: muppet on December 24, 2016, 08:37:39 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15622574_838842896258768_8789363005602926916_n.png?oh=abb34dac9d7a9d5686087a422abbd33a&oe=58DD91E4)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 24, 2016, 09:26:56 PM
Q: How many figures are there in the UKIP nativity scene.
A: None.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on January 07, 2017, 08:14:34 PM
Les Dawson - An Audience With That Never Was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47q6l3ddxnc
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on January 08, 2017, 08:27:03 PM
Quote from: seafoid on January 07, 2017, 08:14:34 PM
Les Dawson - An Audience With That Never Was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47q6l3ddxnc

Nice for the family but they might have waited another couple of years until the CGI was a bit more realistic.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on January 26, 2017, 01:21:52 PM
Electrical Engineer joke.

A Polish airline was on its daily flight from Warsaw to Switzerland. While flying over the Alps, the aircraft hit turbulence and started to shake violently and become unstable. The air hostess seeing the panicked reaction on the faces of the passengers took the microphone and said, "We need to make the aircraft stable. All Poles please move to the left half of the plane".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 28, 2017, 10:33:42 PM
Float in Karneval parade in Germany
(http://img.zeit.de/gesellschaft/zeitgeschehen/2017-02/karneval-rosenmontag-umzug-bilder/karneval-rosenmontag-umzug-03.jpg/imagegroup/original__827x620__desktop)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on April 14, 2017, 03:55:14 PM
During labour, the pain is so great that women can almost imagine what punters go through when they lose a bet in the last minute.

I Dunno when have you ever heard a lad say oh I'd love to lose another bet in the last minute again? Yet women still want more kids! The pain isn't comparable.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on April 14, 2017, 05:17:11 PM
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on April 15, 2017, 02:07:33 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on April 14, 2017, 05:17:11 PM
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

;D - is that your star joke?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: longballin on April 15, 2017, 02:32:06 PM
Quote from: BarryBreensBandage on April 15, 2017, 02:07:33 PM
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on April 14, 2017, 05:17:11 PM
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

i dont get that  :-\
;D - is that your star joke?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BarryBreensBandage on May 07, 2017, 11:31:12 AM
A female athlete went to the doctor, anxious about the steroids she was taking.
"The steroids I am using, because of them, I think I am growing a penis"
"Anabolic?" The doctor asked.
"No, just a penis" she replied.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on May 20, 2017, 02:43:22 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq6WyokXZRU
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 22, 2017, 06:04:29 PM
This year's top rated jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe.

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: BennyHarp on August 22, 2017, 06:48:47 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on August 22, 2017, 06:04:29 PM
This year's top rated jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe.

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

I'm sure I've heard a variation of that first joke every time a new coin comes out!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on September 29, 2017, 09:23:48 AM
http://www.kissthisguy.com/

Funniest of the Month
The misheard: I bless the grains down in Africa
Artist: Toto
Africa
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 29, 2017, 06:59:05 PM
A baby penguin waddles into a pub.

The barman sees that the penguin is upset and says "What's wrong?"

Baby penguin "My dad and I were out shopping, and I got lost and cannot find him"

Barman "What does he look like?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on October 04, 2017, 03:52:31 AM
A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well"

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks  for the new ears"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: StGallsGAA on November 01, 2017, 11:24:36 PM
Was the British  Defence Secretary sacked because his PA refused to fall-on his sword??
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: illdecide on November 02, 2017, 05:23:26 PM
What's the difference between purple and pink?...


















The grip.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Puckoon on January 05, 2018, 07:45:14 PM
So The Beach Boys Walk into a bar...

Round?
A round?
Get a round?

I'll get a round.

Yea? Get a round?
A round?
Round?
Ill get a round..
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Hardy on January 30, 2018, 06:39:26 PM
Jay Fullmer, 38, last month became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining
and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way
is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use
irony himself in the future.

"I've tried it already" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and
I said "Hey, great weather."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on January 31, 2018, 10:02:21 PM
Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Likely a Prelude to some racy activity.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: PW Nally on February 01, 2018, 01:38:56 AM
Quote from: armaghniac on January 31, 2018, 10:02:21 PM
Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Likely a Prelude to some racy activity.
Did she rev him up to 50?
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: gawa316 on February 01, 2018, 11:10:58 PM
Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Any Insight to whether this doll was Fit or not!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 11, 2018, 10:57:18 AM
This made me laugh

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/commonwealth-games/43723655 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/commonwealth-games/43723655)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on April 13, 2018, 10:04:37 PM
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Insane Bolt on April 27, 2018, 04:06:03 PM
Apologies if this has been told before....

Young Catholic lad 16 years old living on Falls Road in Belfast at height of the troubles decides to run away....gets to England, joins the Merchant Navy and is at sea for 35 years...retires and decides he will visit Belfast as the GFA has been in force for years. Goes for a pint down Titanic Quarter and as he raises his glass he starts to take in his surroundings.....pictures of the Queen, Rangers etc....gulps, then drinks up and goes to leave....2 bouncers at the door stop him.....and he explains his situation....one of bouncers pulls out a dice and gives it to the man....he says "what do I do with this?"
Bouncer says roll it....and if you roll between 1-5 me and my mate take you outside and give you a kicking....guy is flustered and says " what happens if I get a six?"

Bouncer winks and says "you get another go"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Insane Bolt on April 27, 2018, 04:53:12 PM
A bloke is rushed to the new A&E at UHL, with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on May 23, 2018, 12:04:41 PM
Two dogs in a bar.

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"

Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"

Dog 1: "Knock knock"

Dog 2: "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Mayo4Sam on May 24, 2018, 02:47:06 PM
To the guy who stole my microsoft office, I will track you down, you have my word

I heard a rumour cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.............its a chinese wispa

My friend died because we couldn't remember his blood type. it was awful. As he died he kept telling us to be positive but its hard without him

Did you hear about the man that got sacked by the circus? He's suing them for funfair dismissal

A man died in the nestle factory yesterday. A pallet fell on top of him. He tried to call for help but every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Insane Bolt on May 29, 2018, 08:54:21 PM
A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on June 28, 2018, 08:30:53 AM
The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir aged 6
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ball Hopper on June 28, 2018, 08:49:31 AM
At a recent meeting of world leaders the subject of titles became a topic of conversation.

Juan from Spain said "I'm from a kingdom, so I am a King"

Ranier from Monaco replied "I'm from a principality, so I am a Prince"

Trump looked puzzled and enquired "USA is a country, so what does that make me?"

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 22, 2018, 08:00:59 PM
I just wanted to warn everyone as I'd hate someone to end up in the same situation. A Dyson ball cleaner isn't what the name suggests.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: SHEEDY on July 22, 2018, 08:33:41 PM
A guy was trying on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.

"Try them with the tongue out"

"They're thtill thoo thighth!"




When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.




I grew up in a rough area.
As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.
It was tough in the gateau.


Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Harold Disgracey on July 23, 2018, 12:27:21 AM
My son asked me: "Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter" I replied.

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem Alan"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on July 23, 2018, 12:46:39 AM
BCB beat you to it, Harold, on that one.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on August 07, 2018, 09:50:53 PM
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." Nick Helm
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on November 07, 2018, 07:59:44 PM
They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on November 25, 2018, 09:18:18 PM
Who can remember all the Bart Simpson pranks phoning Moe's Tavern? Try doing these in your own work.

"Hi sweetie. Is there a guy in your department called Peacock. First name Drew?"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: LeoMc on November 26, 2018, 07:40:09 AM
Quote from: Orior on November 25, 2018, 09:18:18 PM
Who can remember all the Bart Simpson pranks phoning Moe's Tavern? Try doing these in your own work.

"Hi sweetie. Is there a guy in your department called Peacock. First name Drew?"

Someone managed that on Simon Mayo a few months back. A big Shout out to Drew Peackock on his way to...
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: el_cuervo_fc on November 26, 2018, 08:53:09 AM
My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad, but don't worry..........I'll return
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: ziggysego on November 26, 2018, 12:20:04 PM
Quote from: el_cuervo_fc on November 26, 2018, 08:53:09 AM
My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad, but don't worry..........I'll return

Urgh  ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: brokencrossbar1 on November 27, 2018, 07:42:05 AM
Quote from: el_cuervo_fc on November 26, 2018, 08:53:09 AM
My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad, but don't worry..........I'll return

😂
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: DrinkingHarp on December 01, 2018, 12:52:06 AM
A guy was walking through the park and came across an elderly man in his 80's crying on a park bench the week of Christmas.

The guy asks the old man is everything alright? Old man replies, "no not at all."
Guy asks what is the problem, can I help?
Old man states he just got married the week before to a woman in her late 20's and all she wants to do is have sex!! Guy states thats great!! So why are you crying? Old man states - " I forget where I live!!".

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: seafoid on January 08, 2019, 06:23:32 PM
https://www.rte.ie/entertainment/2019/0108/1021955-comedy-gold-the-ten-best-just-a-minute-answers/
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Olly on August 15, 2019, 10:00:42 PM
The devil says to a  boy I'll eat where you are from. The boy says Liverpool and the devil says I'll eat your liver. Another boy happens on the scene and the devil says i'll eat where yo are from. The boy says Hartlepool and the devil says Ill eat your heart. Then another boy happens on the scene and the devil says I'll eat where youre from. He says ballsbridge and the devil says naw you're alright.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on August 16, 2019, 05:19:15 PM
From twitter..

American cousin: "The Irish like potatoes, yeah?"
Me: "That's a stereotype. We eat more pasta and rice."

Five minutes later.

Him: "Do you have any theme parks?"
Me: *Shifts uneasily* "Yeah, uh, one."
"What's the theme?"
"Er..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on August 17, 2019, 02:37:47 PM
My wife said "come into the bedroom and I'll put on that black lace number..."
I said, "No thanks, I can't stand 'Agadoo'..."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Ambrose on August 22, 2019, 10:38:08 PM
My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana.

By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on February 18, 2020, 12:04:19 PM
The mayor of Georgetown takes a comfort break, but forgets to switch off his microphone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_4aKlsgfHY

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: screenexile on February 18, 2020, 12:21:12 PM
Bob Mortimer's Train Guy is better than Fleabag!

https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/1229448660523638785
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: trileacman on February 18, 2020, 12:43:20 PM
Quote from: screenexile on February 18, 2020, 12:21:12 PM
Bob Mortimer's Train Guy is better than Fleabag!

https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/1229448660523638785

What the f**k did I just watch.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 11, 2020, 11:58:32 AM
Quote from: Fionntamhnach on September 10, 2020, 10:04:12 PM
A polite note to all women: if your man says that he'll fix something, then he'll fix it. You don't have to keep asking him every six months.

Course if you don't fix a crack in a wall then after 6 months it becomes invisible.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on September 18, 2020, 07:16:31 AM
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog...."
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 03, 2020, 04:48:43 PM
Maradonna. Now he was a handy player.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on December 03, 2020, 04:52:11 PM
Just found out the the oul Granda is addicted to Viagra.......Grannys taking it harder than anyone!
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: laoislad on December 03, 2020, 06:10:28 PM
I was in Tesco earlier.

There was a fella in a blind rush filling his trolley with tequila, Old El Paso buritto kits and a sombrero.

I thought to myself, "Hispanic buying"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnnycool on December 03, 2020, 06:21:19 PM
got sent this today;


This Covid vaccine has to be stored and transported at -70 degrees. Only one man for this job.

Mo Robinson, AKA polar express.



:o
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: grounded on December 03, 2020, 09:24:17 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on March 23, 2021, 11:24:29 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/jdqck337/20210128-134329.jpg)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on April 12, 2022, 05:17:02 PM
Putin calls in his advisor and says that I hope the Special Military Operation is going well. His advisor can't think what to say, then he announces "our tanks are successfully stopping their anti-tank missiles".
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Windmill abu on April 13, 2022, 09:54:43 AM
Snow White and Seven Dwarfs are in a serious car crash.
Gardaí and Ambulance men at the scene think all are dead until they hear a faint voice calling from the wreckage.
"Mayo will win the All Ireland" said the faint voice.
"Oh thank God" said the Garda "at least Dopey is still alive"
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnnycool on April 13, 2022, 04:12:49 PM
Absolutely devastated.
7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients. He is no longer able to continue in the prof he loves.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: johnnycool on April 13, 2022, 04:25:54 PM
https://twitter.com/i/status/1514235556615569412 (https://twitter.com/i/status/1514235556615569412)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 04, 2022, 07:15:05 PM
This guy was walking along the street and he saw a sign "Freshly made sandwiches €4, w**k €10". So he went into the shop and there was a beautiful woman there.

He said, are you the woman providing the w**k, and she said yes, I am.

So he said, well then wash your hands I want a ham and cheese sandwich.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on September 16, 2022, 08:01:07 PM
I asked the Doctor
'Is my overweight due to my underactive thyroid?'
He said 'No, it's due to your overactive knife and fork'

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on December 03, 2022, 12:19:20 AM
(https://i.ibb.co/y65xwDV/tesco-turkey-offer.jpg)

Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on January 23, 2023, 03:40:03 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FnGrFmRX0AAqqOa?format=jpg&name=900x900)
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: armaghniac on February 14, 2023, 08:03:38 PM
I've just bought the wife's Valentine's day present.

A trip in a hot air balloon across the US.
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Rudi on March 07, 2023, 02:02:18 PM
https://www.donegaldaily.com/2023/03/07/gardai-finger-man-who-gave-them-the-middle-finger/
Title: Re: Corny One for Friday
Post by: Orior on July 18, 2023, 06:36:54 PM
A burglar entered a house late one afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said "You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her!"

Burglar "You must really love your wife"

Man "Not particularly, but she will be coming home shortly"