Corny One for Friday

[The Corporal]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her

95- year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. '

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing
our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous,

simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
 
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along

[ziggysego]

 An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[heganboy]

First time you left a bar with no chick to take you home?

[ziggysego]

 

[Orior]

Q. Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?

A. A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL.

[ziggysego]

Lollypop?

[Orior]

Lollypop?

Thats for suckers like you! 

[Yes I Would]

  Very good

[ziggysego]

Lollypop?

Thats for suckers like you! 

bastard 

[illdecide]

Subject: The Rugby Fan


The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[illdecide]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.



A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.



The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked,   'did you call for me?'

 

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

 

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,

it implies you called for me.'

   

Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly

pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

 

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and

as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge,

hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.







Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.

 

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

 

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies

that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench

and had his way with the newcomer.





The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

 

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can

keep the R500 membership fee.'







'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.

You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'







'Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.



I'm outta here.'

[john mcgill]

Apparently, the Koreans have just brought out a new vegetarian ready-meal.


It's called a Not Poodle.

[illdecide]

Subject: Bear Hunting

>
>
> Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
>
>
> He travels up to Alaska , spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
>
>
> Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around > to see a
> big black bear.
>
>
> The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my > cousin and
> I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we > have
> s*x.'
>
>
> After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter > alternative.
> So the black bear has his way with Frank.
>
>
> Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
> revenge.
>
>
> He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the > black bear
> and shot it dead..
>
>
> Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
> grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a > big
> mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.
>
>
> Either I maul you to death or we have rough s*x.'
>
>
> Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly > bear than
> be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
>
>
> Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully > recovered.
>
>
> Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and > managed
> to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but
> then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
>
>
> He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
>
>
> The polar bear looked at him and
> said..............................................
>
>
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
> . 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

[illdecide]

> The Sensitive Man
>
>
> A woman meets a man in a bar.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> They talk; they connect; they end
> up leaving together.
>
>
>
> They get back to his place,
>
>
>
> and as he shows her around his
> apartment.
> She notices that one wall of his
> bedroom is
>
>
> completely filled with soft, sweet,
> cuddly teddy bears.
>
>
> There are three shelves in the
> bedroom,
>
> with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
>
> cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
> in rows, covering the entire wall!
>
> It was obvious that he had taken
> quite some time to lovingly arrange them
>
> and she was immediately touched
>
> by the amount of thought he had
> put into organizing the display.
>
>
> There were small bears all along
> the bottom shelf,
>
>
> medium-sized bears covering the
> length of the middle shelf,
> and huge, enormous bears running
> all the way along the top shelf.
>
>
> She found it strange for an
> obviously masculine guy
>
> to have such a large collection of
> Teddy Bears,
>
> She is quite impressed by his
> sensitive side.
>
> but doesn't mention this to him.
> They share a bottle of wine and
> continue talking and,
>
> after awhile, she finds herself
> thinking,
>
> 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
> could be the one!
>
> Maybe he could be the future
> father of my children?'
> She turns to him and kisses him
> lightly on the lips
>
>
> He responds warmly.
>
> They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds, and he romantically lifts
> her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
>
> where they rip off each other's
> clothes and make hot, steamy love.
> She is so overwhelmed that she
> responds with more passion,
> more creativity, more heat than she
> has ever known.
> After an intense, explosive night
> of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together
> in the afterglow.
> The woman rolls over, gently
> strokes his chest and asks coyly,
> 'Well,how was it?'
> The guy gently smiles at her,
>
> strokes her cheek,
> looks deeply into her eyes,
> and says:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Help yourself to any prize
> from the middle shelf'
>

[Yes I Would]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts
were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip, when I turn to see her pulling a bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', - I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'Yes' I dumbly replied.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that, and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I
caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under
the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

' Arrghhh....' she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed She pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of
soft cotton , and, my god, was she wet !!!!

'Well tell me this, Smart Ass' She snapped, ' Have you ever felt such a
c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'