Corny One for Friday

[The Real Laoislad]

Two howayis Dublin birds  walk into Brown Thomas, they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.   Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah it's bleedin deadly Sharon, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean? At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".  Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me, does that smell like cum to you?".

[The Real Laoislad]

Two guys from Dublin die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"

They reply, "'Well, we're from Dublin bud, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out eh".

The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies.   The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Dublin, it's even wetter than Cork, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little, eh."

This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Dubliners in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Dubliners reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Dublin. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."

The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Dubliners back in their anoraks and hoodies. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!

The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Dubliners look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? Hell has just frozen over it must mean that Dublin has won the All-Ireland Football Championship!"

[ziggysego]

husband and wife on their 10th anniversary,

wife undresses and asks,''what did you think 10 years ago when i stripped''?

he replies,''i wanted to f**k your brains out and suck your tits dry''.

she says,''so what do you think now''??

husband says...''looks like i did a pretty good job''!

[Orior]

Whats pink & wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning??









Your mother.

[Orior]

Ziggy, your tumbleweed has blown off the page.

[southdown]

A happy couple are celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary.

They decide to go back to the same hotel where the romance blossomed, even the exact same bedroom.

They sit at a table in the room enjoying lunch, gazing lovingly into each others eyes.

The husband decides that, just like on the night they met, they should take all their clothes off and get naked.  So they proceed to getting naked.

After more gazing and loving conversation, the wife says, "just like on the night we met, my nipples are really warming to you."

Husband replies, "well they would - your left one is in your tea and your right one is in your soup!"

[gerrykeegan]

Divorce Letter


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait
anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me
talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.I don't say this to hurt you, but
just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
Tits like you wouldn't believe, and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on
the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's
all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it.
And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so
drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else.Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you.Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not Hung up about her weight or
her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the
mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but
she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier
times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked
like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times
I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do
is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.Don't you think we could start over?
Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please , please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?
Love,
Dan

[ziggysego]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am
ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The elephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and
say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer
problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have .

[illdecide]

A Bottle of Merlot


A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there,

Indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not
looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and     
conveyed it to the gentleman.       

The note read:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own returns.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.

It read:
For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars
in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back."

[southdown]

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?


Popeye kicked the f@@k out of him!

[illdecide]

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When
women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at
the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st
floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and
are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[man in black]

In ballina a gardai pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the
> > lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
> > into this breathalyzer tube."
> >
> > The man immedietly reaches into his pocket and produces a doctors note.
On
> > it is written, "This man suffers from terrible asthma, please don't make
> > him
> > perform any action that'll leave him short of breath."
> >
> > The gardai says, "Okay, I need you to come and give a blood sample.
> >
> > Straight away, them man produces another letter. This one reads, "This
man
> > is a hamophiliac, please do not cause him to bleed in
> > any way."
> >
> > So the officer says, "Right, I need a urine sample, then."
> >
> > The man produces a third letter: "This man plays for the Mayo football team
> >
> > please don't take the piss out of him."

[illdecide]

GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
'Whit wis that fur?' he cries.
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
'Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
' She seems
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.
......................................................................................

A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find>themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket.'
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, 'Why not'
'Good', he replies. 'Get your own ' blanket!'

..............................................................................................

A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel
in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the >concierge.
'Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit'

...

  A wee Glesga boy comes home from
school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks.
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish husband.' The
mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!'

[illdecide]

*Poof*!, the Light Goes Off !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"


George replies, "God and I
are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light  goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."


"Wow, that's incredible,"
the doctor says.


A little later in the day, the doctor
calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing  fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with  God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and  *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!
the light goes off?"


"OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims.
"He's p * ssing in the fridge again!!!!".

[illdecide]

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.



Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

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A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.



A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.



The girl's been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist'



The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'



'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'



One thing led to another and they make love.



Afterwards, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'



The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'



'Didn't feel a thing!'



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**


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.



While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'



He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.



Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'



Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'



Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me!'