Corny One for Friday

[SammyG]

An explorer is walking through the jungle and he finds a pygmy standing beside a dead elephant.

Explorer 'Did you kill that?'
Pygmy 'I did indeed'
Explorer 'That's impressive what did you use'
Pygmy 'I used my club'
Explorer 'Christ that must be some club'













Pygmy 'Aye there's about a thousand of us'

[The Real Laoislad]

THE DUBLIN WAZZUP


Christy (on telephone) - Hey head? fuckin' story?
Anto - Jaysus, I'm watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Christy - Respect. Where's Jayo?
Anto - Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of f**k.
Jayo - Story?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere's a head a de door.
Garo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - So bollix, what's the story?
Christy - f**k all, just watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

[Goin Down]

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

[Gnevin]

THE DUBLIN WAZZUP


Christy (on telephone) - Hey head? fuckin' story?
Anto - Jaysus, I'm watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Christy - Respect. Where's Jayo?
Anto - Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of f**k.
Jayo - Story?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere's a head a de door.
Garo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - So bollix, what's the story?
Christy - f**k all, just watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

WUM alert!

[southdown]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove up the road and turned into a field.

[longball]

what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk

[illdecide]

Female Compassion at it's BEST !
>
>Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,
>Carolyn,    that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
>
>Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
she
>agreed and they made passionate love.
>
>Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
>have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
>
>Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
>
>Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
>eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
>
>"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
>afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
>
>Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
>turned until he was down to only four more hours.
>
>He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
>
>
>
>"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
>
>
>
>His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm
not
>being funny  ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
>

[illdecide]

Subject: [Fwd: FW: BELFAST FLOODS - HELP NEEDED]
>>      >
>>      >
>>      >
>>      >
>>      > At 12:45 on Wednesday morning a major Atlantic monsoon unexpectedly
>>      > hit the city and area of Greater Belfast. The flood decimated the
>>      > area causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with the exception
>>      > of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £ 375,000 of
>>      > improvements were made.
>>      >
>>      > Untold damage and distress was caused, with many woken before their
>>      > Giros arrived. Several priceless collections of momentos from
>>      > Millisle and the Spanish Costa's were damaged and three areas of
>>      > historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
>>      >
>>      > A mural of King Billy was destroyed up tha shankill as was one of
>>      > some oul-doll gurning, on the Falls. Thousands are confused that
>>      > something other than political madness has shaken Belfast.
>>      >
>>      > One survivor Tracey-Anne Jordan Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of
>>      > three told us "I near keeked maself. Our Britney-Fairybell came
>>      > gurning into the room this morning. The chyle was in an awful state.
>>      > My youngest ones, Chelsea-Jo and Justin-Keanu slept through it all,
>>      > so they did.
>>      >
>>      > I was still shakin' watchin 'Trisha' - you know what I mean like.
>>      > It's awful so it is. All my wooden floors and rugs are wrecked and
>>      > me ma is raging, cos she only give me a lend of them. I can't get
>>      > the houl of the Housin' Executive for til fix them. They've only
>>      > been fixed for a week after me and him had a row. I've lost me
>>      > fegs and everything - its terrible so it is.
>>      > Look at the state of my hair.
>>      >
>>      > Apparently in the west of the city widespread joyriding and looting
>>      > carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to
>>      > ship 400 crates of beer into the area to help with the
>>      > grief-stricken, but they were stoned, bricked and petrol bombed as
>>      > they left the area.
>>      >
>>      > Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large
>>      > quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and
>>      > jewellery from Argos and the 1/2 price jewellers. They claim that
>>      > the death toll would have been significantly higher had the Bru been
>>      > open at the time.
>>      >
>>      > HOW YOU CAN HELP:
>>      > Clothing is most sought after - Items required include: Sovereign
>>      > rings, Cladagh ear-rings, Burberry baseball caps, white socks, Tesco
>>      > two-stripe trainers, white track suits, chunky gold chains.
>>      >
>>      > FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED.
>>      > Required foodstuffs include: beer, frozen burgers, beer, lard, beer,
>>      > deep fried Mars bars, beer, Tayto cheese n' onion, beer, Chinese
>>      > takeaways and KEY-BABS!!
>>      >
>>      > REMEMBER - EVERY LITTLE HELPS.....
>>      > 25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a claim form.
>>      >
>>      > £1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to
>>      > travel from the Bru to the Post Office to McDonalds to the Wine
>>      > Store.
>>      >
>>      > £20 will take a family to Ballymena for the day where the children
>>      > can sniff glue and skin-up.
>>      >
>>      > £15 will buy fish suppers and an E for a family of 4.
>>      >
>>      > PLEASE DONATE GENEROUSLY!!

[illdecide]

 

What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland?
A weekend.



It only rains twice a year in Ireland:
August through April and May through July.



"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week
and
it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?" "Well, that's
hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."



A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a
long,
long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls
were
allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over
to
Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of
hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one
side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got
the
better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment,
and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside
instead of
flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said
with a grin.
"Those are the Irish. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."



A newcomer to Ireland arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day
and
it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
He
goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey
kid,
does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know?
I'm
only 6."

[illdecide]

One night, after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she
whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote?

[illdecide]

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"



She asks, "What?"



"SEX!!" he replies.



Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"



"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."



"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.



Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!



Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"



Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's..."

[Bud Wiser]

Osama Bin Laden has sent out a new TV message to prove he is still alive.
In a video delivered to Leinster House Bin Laden is seen waving and shouting that "Tipp and Laois were SHIT on Saturday"

Berie and Brian Cowen in a joint statement dismissed the tape out of hand saying "the recording could have been made any time in the last six years !

[illdecide]

Nobody loves like an Irishman

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making  love to a very attractive young woman.  And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.  "How dare you do this to me - a  faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least  I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to  me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this  young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my compassion, I brought  her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones  you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor  thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was  doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw  them away. Then, as she needed clothes,  I gave her the designer jeans  that you have had for a few years,  but don't use because you say they are too  tight.  I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and  I  also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[illdecide]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm
going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the
condom and as the young man is going out; he returns
and says, "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always
crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees
me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The
pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is
leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one
more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still
pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes
eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she
is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and
the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy
lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless
this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."  A
minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord
for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is
still praying, keeping his head down. The others look
at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even
more surprised than the others. She gets close to the
boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so
religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad
was a pharmacist!"

[illdecide]

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want-and
I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I
tell you that
I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing
when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven
o'clock
every night...whether you're here or not."

(SHE'S GOOD!)



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the
breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed
either,"and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides
to make
amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)



Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He
is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife, "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that
it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as
well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
'Mother of
six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)


God may have created man before woman but there is
always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.