Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... "

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

[ziggysego]

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks

[Carmen Stateside]

  very good Ziggs! enjoyed that!

[johnneycool]

A lad is out on the pull, gets chatting to a girl at the bar and it's going very well.

He plucks up the courage and asks:
"what's the chances of a shag tonight?"

She replys:
"Oh, I'm on my menstrual cycle"

Lad replys:
"That's OK, I can follow you home on my scooter"

[illdecide]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV

& Radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him."



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely

horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live' said:  "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's

that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to

leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so

hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better

today after a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like

this."



10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They

seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in

his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to

use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[el_cuervo_fc]

did you hear about the Horny egg?

He ran down the street with his yolk hanging out

[illdecide]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to
tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a
bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[illdecide]

Two nuns, Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.
Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga. 'Whit are we gonnae dae?'
'Turn thae windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination,says
Sister Helen.Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about,but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican,' says Sister Helen. Sister Senga turns on the windae
washirs.Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga.She opens the window and
shouts......."Get tae f**k aff the f**kin' car ya wee b*st**d"

[illdecide]

Important questions in the world:


Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only down-under

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[screenmachine]

A man and a giraffe stroll into a bar on a sunny Friday afternnon after a hard days slog.  They have every intention of getting blocked.  Anyway day turns into night and after at least 40 half uns the giraffe collapses in a heap at the foot of the bar.  The man, disgusted in his incapable drinking partner, finishes of his vodka and red bull, gathers his belongings and heads for the door.  As he reaches the door the barman shouts to him, "Hi, you cant leave that lyin there!"  The man drunkenly spins on his heels and shouts back, "Its not a lion, its a giraffe dickhead!"

[screenmachine]

here's a few straight out of the John McBlain book.

A UFO lands on the Garvaghy Road.  An inquisitive local spots a little green man disembark his ship and starts walking towards him.  The local confronts him, " Here mate, what are ya? A taig or a prod?"  The ailien replies, "I'm a martian!"  The local bangs the nut in him and says, "Well your not marchin down this road ya wee wan**r!"

Big Ian and Eileen Paisley are called into the clinic for a chat. Eileen goes in first and whne she comes out hte big doc is called in.  The doctor says to him, "Ian, I've some terrible news.  Its Eileen, she's got acute angina. I'm so sorry."  Big Ian laughs and replies, "Sure what's wrong with that, she's got a great set of tits too!"

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

The passengers on the long distance flight to Los Angeles were settling into their seats, getting ready for the 8 hour trip when suddenly they heard this tapping noise increasing in sound. To their horror, two men, in pilot's uniforms, wandered up the aisle with white sticks and dark glasses.

The passengers continued to look on in sheer disbelief as the two men eventually made it to the top of the aisle and wandered into the cockpit.

Shortly after, the usual announcement came over the tannoy, "This is your captain speaking. We hope you enjoy your flight etc." But fear and trepidation filled the aircraft as flight departure time grew ever nearer.

Eventually, the engines started up, the plane began to taxi and headed towards its departure lane. As the plane cruised down the runway, the passengers' nerves increased ten-fold - what was going to happen. The plane accelerated faster and faster - down the runway it sped; the passengers couldn't take it anymore. They started crying and screaming - panic filled the plane - their shrieks and gasps of total terror grew louder and louder. It looked like the plane was running out of airstrip when suddenly, just at the very edge of the runway, just as they were about to crash, she took off. The passengers cheered for joy, applauded and shook hands with each other, breathed hugh collective sighs of relief and eventually, eventually, they felt they could sit back to relax and enjoy their flight.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and congratulated him on the take-off. "You know, captain, one of these days, the passengers are just going to scream too late".

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just go away and leave me alone.

The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[screenmachine]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....


" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[ardal]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He's playing a U2
concert in Glasgow, Scotland and asks the audience for total quiet. Then in
the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish
accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence, "Well ...
F*ckin' stop doin' it then ... "