And the award goes to...

[Jimmy Joe]

Against the Breeze
By Paddy Heaney
30/12/08

And the award goes to...


The Presidential Awards

The Obama 'n' Biden Award

(For overcoming adversity)

Winners: Mickey Harte and Tony Donnelly

The Osama bin Laden Award

(For best facial hair)

Nominees: Joe McMahon, Ryan McMenamin, Ciaran Gourley

Winner: Ciaran Gourley

The Sarah Palin Award

(For starting out promisingly but finishing disastrously)

Nominees: Derry, Down, Armagh

Winners: Down senior footballers

The George W Bush Award

(For statements of outstanding stupidity)

Winner: Derry County Board

The county board had its Hurricane Katrina moment earlier in the year when it released a memo to all the Derry clubs indicating that they intended to charge Brian 'Finn McCool' McGilligan with discrediting the Association.

The very idea that the mighty Brian would appear meekly before a disciplinary hearing was extremely ill-advised and recklessly dangerous to anyone who would have been asked to sit on the committee.

The Bill Clinton 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' Award

(For memorable statements made in defence)

Winner: Joe Brolly

Under pressure from GAA president Nickey Brennan to apologise for his public criticism of referee Martin Duffy, the RTE analyst told The Irish News why he would not be retracting any comments he made during the game between Derry and Donegal.

Barrister Brolly said: "There are some things a man might quite rightly want to apologise for.

"A man might want to apologise to his wife if she catches him in a nightclub sipping drinks with Amber, the 18-year-old cocktail waitress.

"You might want to apologise if you have done something wrong to someone and you really feel that you should.

"But, I mean, apologising because you have given a view on whether an incident calls for a penalty, that's just silly nonsense."

The Olympic Awards

The British Olympic Team Award

(For succeeding in competitions no-one else is willing to take seriously)

Nominees: Kilkenny hurlers (Leinster SHC), Antrim hurlers (Ulster SHC), Crossmaglen Rangers (Armagh SFC).

Winners: Crossmaglen Rangers following their 398th successive Armagh county title.

The Greg Louganis Diving Award – Gold Medal Standard

Nominees: Aidan O'Mahony (Kerry), Padraig Clancy (Laois), Rory Kavanagh (Donegal)

Winner: Aidan O'Mahony (Kerry)

The Tom Daly Diving Award For Best Newcomer

Winner: Darren Conway (Ballinderry)

The Paddy Barnes Award

(For best 'un-pc' statement made on live television)

Nominees: Colm O'Rourke and Brian 'I can't ******* hear you' Dooher

Winner: Colm O'Rourke

Following his 15-0 defeat in Beijing, Belfast boxer Paddy Barnes expressed his outrage at the final score.

While satisfied that he was beaten by a better boxer, Paddy took umbrage at the judges.

"I get drug tested, it's the judges who should get drug tested," said the Holy Family Olympian.

The soon-to-be poster boy for Amnesty International then aimed a swipe at the host nation, calling it "one of the worst countries in the world, they shouldn't even be allowed to host the Olympics".

Paddy concluded his interview of the year by stating that China could keep his bronze medal because "it's for losers".

Colm O'Rourke is a previous winner of this award. Sadly, it's been five long years since Colm came out with a really spectacular 'spake' but the floodgates broke this year when he was particularly irked by the performance of referee Martin Duffy.

The vertically-challenged Sligo whistler's display drew the following statement from O'Rourke: "Big men should referee big Championship matches."

The Celebrity Divorce Awards

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills Award

(For acrimonious splits)

Nominees: Ger Loughnane and the Galway hurlers, Donal Keogan and the Cavan footballers, Justin McCarthy and the Waterford hurlers, John Meyler and the Wexford hurlers

Winner: Donal Keogan and the Cavan senior football team

After deciding to part company with the Breffini Blues, Keogan revealed that he had fallen out of love with his players several months beforehand.

He told us: "I was fed up with the players' attitude. They just didn't want success badly enough and that's why we're out of the Championship.

"A lot of the players wanted the trappings of an inter-county footballer, but they weren't prepared to put the effort in and work.

"A lot of the Cavan players, though not them all, have serious attitude problems. The ability in the squad is unquestionable, but they don't want it enough. It doesn't hurt them enough when they lose.

"After we beat Antrim in the Ulster Championship, about 90 per cent of our fellas exchanged shirts. What does that say about the Cavan jersey? They didn't have enough pride in it. The problem with some of these fellas is they think they know it all."

Madonna and Guy Ritchie Award

(For the split that filled the most column inches)

Nominees: Joe Brolly and the GPA, Roy Keane and Niall Quinn, Gerald McCarthy and the Cork hurlers.

Winner: Joe Brolly and the GPA

A founder member of the GPA when it was formed in 1999, Brolly has watched with dismay at how the players' body has developed since then. He's now a vehement critic of the GPA and he regularly uses his newspaper columns to lampoon and ridicule its leading members.

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor Award

(In recognition of those who like to make-up and break up, and make up and break up..)

Winner: Cork hurlers and the Cork County Board

The Special Categories

The Avram Grant Three Times a Loser Award

Under Avram Grant, Chelsea lost the Carling Cup final, they lost the race for the Premiership, and they also lost the Champions League final.

The parallels with a particular Killarney man are obvious. Kerry lost the National League final, the Munster football final, and the All-Ireland football final.

Winner: Kerry manager Pat O'Shea

The Pontius Pilate Award For Hand Washing

In this year's Ulster club football final replay, there was an alleged head-butt, a half-time fracas, multiple bust-ups, but it seems nothing untoward actually happened.

Winner: The Ulster Council

The Groucho Marx 'I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member Award'

Winner: Paul Devlin – The Ballinderry selector who is most definitely not a member of the Ballinderry club

The Secret Squirrel Award

(For undercover activities)

Verdict: This award was reserved for any county that was caught breaking the ban on collecting training during the closed season. Obviously it would be a disgrace to name and shame without conclusive evidence so there will be no recipient of this award in 2008.

The Barack Obama Award

(For giving hope to the disenfranchised, the poor and the heavy of heart)

Nominees: Jack O'Connor (Kerry), Damian Cassidy (Derry), Pat Gilroy (Dublin)

Winner: To be announced?

http://www.irishnews.com/irishnews/597/5764/2008/12/30/606313_367615452970Andtheaw.html

[ziggysego]

Had a good giggle reading that this morning over the kitchen table lol

[el_cuervo_fc]

Had a good giggle reading that this morning over the kitchen table lol

I had a wee laugh at them myself.

[tyroneboi]

Does anyone else think he is being a bit harsh on Rory Kavanagh putting him in with the likes of O'Mahony and Clancy? Thought he got a right slap from Doherty that time. Brolly had a go at him as well in his column in the Gaelic Life. Though suppose they are both Derry men so that might explain it.

[ONeill]

I didn't laugh.

[ziggysego]

You're nothing but a hallion

[ONeill]

You're nothing but a hallion

I want you to apologise for that.

[orangeman]

Darren Conway in Ballinderry will not really appreciate his inclusion. Expect Heaney to get at least a good bollicking the next time he runs into him. 

[lynchbhoy]

whiles its quite funny, it is badly incorrect to suggest the notion that Brian McGilligan is some kind of thug.
the man was def no angel when he played football (and hurling) but is nothing short of a gentleman in normal life.
So heaneys inference that mcgilligan would wreck the room and beat up people on a committee is way off the mark. Brian would have talked them into the ground with his honesty.
Have had 'difference of opinion' with Brian myself and he doesnt resort to violence or threats.

[orangeman]

whiles its quite funny, it is badly incorrect to suggest the notion that Brian McGilligan is some kind of thug.
the man was def no angel when he played football (and hurling) but is nothing short of a gentleman in normal life.
So heaneys inference that mcgilligan would wreck the room and beat up people on a committee is way off the mark. Brian would have talked them into the ground with his honesty.
Have had 'difference of opinion' with Brian myself and he doesnt resort to violence or threats.

Thank God for that - I wouldn't like it too much if he did.