Corny One for Friday

[BarryBreensBandage]

News reporter interviewing an Armagh GAA man, asks if the North and the Republic were playing each other who would he support.
He said, "The Republic, of course".
She then asked him would there ever be an occasion where he would support Northern Ireland.
He paused, and said "Only if they were playing England".
She then asked "So, Would you ever support England?"
"Not in a million years" was the answer.
"Definitely not?".
"No, not ever".
But then, your man pauses again and says "Well, maybe I would, in one circumstance".
"Maybe, if they were playing Tyrone".

(BTW, I'm a Down man - roles can be reversed if need be - was just tellin it like I was told it)

[illdecide]

After refusing to go forward at anytime on Saturday it is rumoured that Man City will be trying to sign Audley Harrison







This joke combines both Audley's poor performance together with Man City's current attacking abilities. Its a two-fer.

V good, but when you have to explain the joke it's not worth writing

[Louth Exile]

 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of the Dail came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

[Declan]

 The Irish Banking Crisis simply explained...

       Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

       The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...


       The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news The donkey's died.'


       Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

       The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

       Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

       The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

       Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

       The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

       Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'


       A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

       Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

       I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

       The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

       Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

[illdecide]

Banned from Sainsbury's: Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at Tescos buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had  -  an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.   I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[ardal]

Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos?

[illdecide]

Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos?

Thats the joke you fool

[ardal]

Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos?

Thats the joke you fool

Oh yeah ha ha ha, good job you're retired so , note reference to "you" being banned

[Orior]

Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos?

Thats the joke you fool

Hmmm, i must be a fool too 

[Hoof Hearted]

Why did Sainsburys ban you when you were in Tescos?

Thats the joke you fool

Hmmm, i must be a fool too 

you should know by now Orior, as an experienced member on here, you're setting yourself up badly with a comment like that !

[illdecide]

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month,    Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
       and
  Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!

[illdecide]

Never Lie to a Woman
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A man called home to his wife and said,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
"Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked?

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said,
"Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"?

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied,

"I did. They're in your fishing box..."

[illdecide]

Two Plastic Bags



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large  plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.  Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car park.

"On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it? '  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O. K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK Good luck!  Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[illdecide]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months

later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!

[bridge fan]

Brian Cowen today announced....




That he is changing our country's national emblem from a shamrock to a condom because it more accurately reflects the Government's political stance..

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of prícks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed...