Corny One for Friday

[haranguerer]

Jim lands back on friday night airlocked, with a sheep under his arm. He climbs the stairs and throws open the bedroom door and stamps in, where his wife (raging) is waiting for him. Wobbling a bit, he announces 'This is the pig I have sex with when you're too tired!'.
The wife, never one to let anything pass; 'I think you'll find thats a sheep'.
Jim: 'I think you'll find, i was talking to the sheep...'

[illdecide]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

[The Real Laoislad]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st

[Hurler on the Bitch]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st

You pedantic shite! It was funnier the second time!!!!

[Orior]

Here's a good 'un

THE MORMON and the IRISHMAN

An Irishman was seated next to an Morman on a flight to London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

[Hurler on the Bitch]

Feck me, ye'll pish yerselves at this one.

THE Gay Person and the IRISHMAN
An Irishman was seated next to an Gay Person on a flight to London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Gay Person if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen Gays than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'f**k off you Queer Bastard, I know a Psychiatrist that could cure Ye'

[illdecide]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

So good you told it twice ?
Check out your post from May 21st

You pedantic shite! It was funnier the second time!!!!

Jasus lads sorry about that, i get that many it's hard to keep track of the ones i have posted. And i haven't the time to read back pages but i will try and not make that mistake again

[illdecide]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

[RedandGreenSniper]

The Olympic Games hammer throwing competition was nearing the end of the final.

The favourite for the gold, Koller from the Czech Republic, was in the gold medal position having thrown a new world record of 86.98 metres. He was already being congratulated on winning gold as nothing was expected of the last three throwers who had only just qualified for the final.

So the crowd went respectifully quiet as the third last competitor, Paddy Chinaman went into throw. Not a physically imposing man, little was expected.
But Paddy threw a rocket of a throw, landing over 87 metres, setting a new world record and practically assured of gold.
The crowd were dumbstruck. Straightaway the BBC pitchside reporter approached the new world record and asked him how his throw was so good. In broken English Paddy replied 'my father, he worked hard all his life, my grandfather de same. Dey always say if you work hard you will be the best you can be.'

After things calmed down the penultimate competitor arrived. Even less was expected of Paddy Egyptian man. He was the first man from his country to qualify for the Olympic hammer throwing but the crowd were silenced when they saw his throw fly past Paddy Chinaman's. When it was measured it came in at an incredible 90.14 metres. The crowd were again in awe. The BBC lad came bounding up and asked Paddy how could he explain such a throw. He gave a similar answer to Paddy Chinaman, how his father and his father before him had espoused the value of hard work and how he was looking forward to bring the medal to Cairo.

The presentation party was already underway. The Egyptian flag was set to be hoisted for gold. Sure the last lad had no chance at all.
Guess who he was?

Yes, good oul Paddy Irish man.

Up stepped Paddy, a quick scrath of his balls followed by a scrath of his head and a look around at the surroundings.
He was easily the least athletic looking of all the finalists and didn't have runners but rather steel toe cap boots ('in case I drop the feckin' thing like')
But he didn't drop it, he flung it into orbit and set it crashing beyond the grass and onto the track at the far end. The crowd stayed silent for minutes, watching the replay to see if their eyes were deceiving them.
They weren't and when the measuring tape was eventually stretched far enough an incredible distance of 102.34 was recorded.
The crowd stood up and gave a standing ovation.

The BBC man went up and congratulated Ireland's first gold medal winner of the new millennium. Out of breath with incredulity he asked Paddy to explain how he was so good.



'Well it's like this," said Paddy. 'My father was an idle f*cker, my grandfather was an idle f*cker. They always said if anyone ever comes near you with a hammer throw it as far away as f*cking possible!'

[maddog]

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands.

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."



"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The Nun fainted.

[illdecide]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
>
>
>
> A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask
> the driver a question and tapped
> him on the shoulder. The driver
> screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
> hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
> stopped just inches from a large
> plate glass window.
>
> For a few moments everything was silent
> in the cab, and then the still
> shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you
> scared the daylights out of me.'
>
> The frightened passenger apologized to
> the driver and said he didn't realize
> a mere tap on the shoulder could
> frighten him so much.
>
> The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry,
> it's entirely my fault. Today is my
> first day driving a
> cab...................
>
> I've been driving a hearse for the last
> 25 years.'
>

[maddog]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well then... only two left!'

Englishmen, God bless them, should not mess with the Irish

[Louth Exile]

> > > Two Mayo men are  walking along Shop Street in Galway when they see a
>
> > >  sign which reads as
>follows:
> > >
> > > Suits  15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each,
>trousers
> > > 2.50  euro per pair
> > >
> > > Willie Joe says to TJ, "Look  at that. We could
>buy a
> > > load of that gear and when we  get back to
>Castlebar,
> > > we could make a fortune. Now  when we go into the shop, don't say
> > > anything. Just let me do  all the
>talking
> > > 'cause if they hear our accent they  might not
>serve
>us,
> > > so i'll speak in my best  Galway accent."
> > >
> > > They go in and Willie Joe  orders 50 suits at
>15.00
>each,
> > > 100 shirts at  2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers
>at
>2.50
> > >  each.
> > >
> > > The owner of the shop says, "You're  from Mayo,
>aren't
> > > you?"
> > >
>  > > "Oh, . . yes, how the f*ck did you know  that?"
>asks
>Willie
> > > Joe
> >  >
> > > The owner says, "Because this is a  f**king
>dry-cleaners . !"

[ziggysego]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor ' s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what ' s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There ' s nothing worse than a Doctor ' s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, ' Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today? '
' There ' s something wrong with my dick ' , he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ' You shouldn ' t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
' Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, ' he said.
The Receptionist replied; ' Now you ' ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private. '   

The man replied, ' You shouldn ' t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. '


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ' Yes?? '
' There ' s something wrong with my ear ' , he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ' And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?? '
' I can ' t piss out of it, ' he replied !
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[illdecide]

Scottish insults:

She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like sha*gin a pail of water.

It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher

Fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Ar*e like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and sha*ging the night

She's seen more co*kends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fa*ny like a clowns pocket

Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet

More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pi*h flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

C*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun