Author Topic: Corny One for Friday  (Read 507879 times)

5 Sams

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5285
    • View Profile
Corny One for Friday
« on: November 10, 2006, 11:22:24 AM »
I'll get her going with a few classics from OverheardinDublin.com

I was in college with a guy from the north side. We were talking about the girls in the class. He refered to one girl as a butter bird. Didn't know what he was on about till he said. Nice body but her face in minging.


Waiting room in James hospital. Two old dears are waiting to see the doc.

First old dear: "what are you in for"?
Second old dear: "Im having the scope put down my throat"
First old dear: "you better go in first"
Second old dear: "why?"
First old dear: "because Im having it stuck up me arse".



A work collegue had come in to show off her new baby. We were all gathered around cooing over her gorgerous son.... everyone knew she had undergone IVF but of course no one was letting on... until the tea lady leaned in and announced ;
"she got that baby off the UVF you know" !


I heard an old lady on a bus tell her friend
"If God spares me I'll be buried in Balbriggan"

Two young wans (teenage girls) upstairs on a bus on O'Connell St. The bus was forced to pull in as an EU motorcade passed. One girl asks "Wha' de f**k is dat?" Her friend replies, "Ah, I know wha' dat is, that's all dem bleedin' taoiseach shitheads!"


At a Pub Quiz in the Traders Pub during the sports round the following question was asked: "What would you use an eskimo roll for?"

One of the lads answers... "to wipe an eskimo's arse?"


In Lees Kitchen in Dalkey one Friday night and a guy was asking the Chinese Guy behind the counter for ribs. Even though the shop was packed he kept shouting he wanted ribs and every time the Chinese guy kept saying "No ribs....". With a growing crowd behind him the guy lets rip a HUGE fart. In the stunned silence that followed for a second, the guy says dead proud "Coooook dah in your pan!"



A few years ago my dad and his mate were walking home from a pub in dublin. On the way back the local priest (known for condeming to hell anyone who smoked, drank, swore etc), was passing by. He gave the a scornful look and said "ahhh..drunk again boys". My da replied "its ok father we understand ..sure we've had a few ourselves!!"



Myself and my mates queueing for night club on Eyre Sq. One of the lads was completely hammered, swaying from side to side with his eyes closed. Got as far as the bouncer, who immediately pulled him from the queue and ordered him to "go way and get a cup of coffee and then I'll think about lettin you in". Pi**-head lands back to the bouncer and hands him the mug of coffee, sayin "there's yur muga coffee, can I get in now"? Bouncer laughs and lets him in.


I was at the pizza counter in a well known supermarket in town, and there was no one to serve me. A helpful nearby assistant told me that the girl who made up the pizzas would be back in minute. When she finally returned I chose my toppings and she started to pick them out of the containers and spread them on the pizza. She apologised for the delay and then added "Sorry for the delay. I was just upstairs havin a shite"

Couple of Years ago, was checking out the Last Of the Mohicans in the Savoy on O'Connell St., After a few minutes of that nail biting scene where Daniel Day Lewis stalks some other guy through the woods eventually flinging and burying a hatchet in his head, the tension obviously got too much for one Dub in The audience who was straight up to his feet yelling "Good man yersel' Chriiiiisty!".
60,61,68,91,94
The Aristocrat Years

el_cuervo_fc

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2224
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2006, 01:02:40 PM »

Shamrock Shore

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5374
  • We are proud to be Larries
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2006, 04:13:35 PM »
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church, when the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Woodies either."

reddgnhand

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 552
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2006, 05:12:45 PM »
Man walks into a bar, shouts to a fella across the room " I bucked your ma last night"
Fella dosent say anything.
He then shouts " She sucked my c**k".
Fella again says nothing.
He then stands up again and shouts " I gave her one up the arse"
Fella shouts back " For fucks sake Da will ye go home your blocked".
 

5 Sams

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5285
    • View Profile
Corny One for Friday
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2006, 05:38:48 PM »
Thats the new discussion board rules out the windy then :D
60,61,68,91,94
The Aristocrat Years

gallsman

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8864
  • Retired
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2006, 07:02:16 PM »
Paul Howard was in the GMB in Trinity today reading from the new Ross O'Caroll Kelly book. Have never been a fan of them, but this one actually sounds pretty good, and I must say, he's a funny fecker for a sports writer!
"Never mind your why. Why ain't in your repetoire no more n***a"

Billys Boots

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6017
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2006, 11:37:57 AM »
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.  Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim
My hands are stained with thistle milk ...

SouthArmaghBandit

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 291
  • Armagh
    • View Profile
In case you missed it!!
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2006, 01:51:25 PM »
In case you missed it on the GAA Photos thread, this clown ITOB tried to report himself to Admin for making inappropriate posts!! I kid you not! I thought we had lost Armagh4SamAgain on the old board! What an idiot!
 ;D ;D
Can some of you refer my above post to the Moderator for me, seems you can't self-refer.
I tried to got the following message. Though it was very amusing.

You can't report your own post to the moderator, that doesn't make sense!one
« Last Edit: November 13, 2006, 04:35:56 PM by SouthArmaghBandit »

BallyhaiseMan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2931
    • View Profile
Re: In case you missed it!!
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2006, 02:12:49 PM »
 :D  :D  ;D  ;D

Guillem2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 603
    • View Profile
Re: In case you missed it!!
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2006, 02:31:18 PM »
Classic! LOL  ;D
Admin - please move this to the "Corney one for a Friday" thread.
Talking is an overrated way of communicating.

Armagh AB

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 30
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2006, 03:09:21 PM »
Man walks into a bar, shouts to a fella across the room " I bucked your ma last night"
Fella dosent say anything.
He then shouts " She sucked my c**k".
Fella again says nothing.
He then stands up again and shouts " I gave her one up the arse"
Fella shouts back " For fucks sake Da will ye go home your blocked".

Very Good!!!!!

SouthArmaghBandit

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 291
  • Armagh
    • View Profile
Re: In case you missed it!!
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2006, 04:38:23 PM »
This was in danger of disappearing before everyone had a chance to read it.  :D

maddog

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2068
    • View Profile
Getting older
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2006, 04:59:19 PM »

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"
she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the
undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She
simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take
40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85
or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by
the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco. "Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?" "Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping basket says, "For
fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the
people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Sky Blue

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 373
    • View Profile
Re: In case you missed it!!
« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2006, 05:45:12 PM »
Absolutly brillient! Why on Earth would somebody report themselves for making inappropriate posts??  ???
FFS just stop doing it ITOB. No need to report yourself!

Cuchullainns Bhoy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
  • Jose Mourinho - Pure Legend
    • View Profile
Re: Corny One for Friday
« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2006, 05:48:21 PM »
Whats the Difference between Paisley and Saddam??
Ones a Fat Shite and the others a Fat Shi'ite.
Theres shite, and theres the above.^^^^^