Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

I'll try this one...

What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle...?

Wipe it off and apologise.

[Over the Bar]

Did you hear about the dwarf who wandered into the ladies toilet by mistake?

He got a box in the mouth!

[Orior]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.
One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have u any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.

No, i mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I dont think you understand. Doe's either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have a carport and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations are in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No i always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say: POLISH REMOVER!

[Never beat the deeler]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

[armaghniac]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

[armaghniac]

Back to "jokes"
The top ten one-liners from this year's Edinburgh Fringe as just voted upon:-

1. I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free. - Darren Walsh
2. Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse...but enough about Kanye West. - Stewart Francis.
3. Surely every car is a people carrier? - Adam Hess
4. What's the difference between a "hippo" and a "Zippo"? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. - Masai Graham
5. If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't go. - Dave Green.
6. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas. - Mark Nelson
7. Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day. - Tom Parry.
8.= The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves. - Alun Cochrane.
8.= Clowns divorce. Custardy battle. - Simon Munnery.
10. They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for. - Grace the Child.

Some runners up:-

I never lie on my CV... because it creases it.- Jenny Collier.
If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.- Ian Smith.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12.59 becuase I like that one to one time.- Tom Ward.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. It's a reflective pronoun that means "me". - Ally Houston.

[haranguerer]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer

[GJL]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer

Hair.

[sensethetone]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Look closer

Hair.

They've all the same face.

[Never beat the deeler]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

It is, its a photoshop that the page got caught out with

[laoislad]

For the lack of somewhere appropriate to put this....

Hurling forum? It isn't a joke.

Yes it is.

[HiMucker]

A physio told me its impossible for that many people to have their hair in the same position

[Denn Forever]

Roddy Doyle's analysis.

See the Monkees are Unionists.
-Wha'?
-The Monkees. The group, like – off the telly, in the '60s.
-They're fuckin' Unionists?
-Yeah.
-One o' them's dead, but.
-The other one. The one with the woolly hat.
-Mike Nesbith.
-He's the leader of the Ulster Unionist Party.
-Wha'?!
-I heard it on the radio there a few days ago. Mike Nesbith, the leader of the UUP, said they were pullin' out o' the Northern Ireland Executive. Cos o' the IRA.
-What about the IRA?
-They're playin' Game o' Thrones again.
-The IRA doesn't exist.
-Neither does Game o' Thrones but we still watch it every night.
-It can't be the same Mike Nesbith. Was he wearin' the woolly cap?
-It was the fuckin' radio – I told yeh.
-Well, did he mention anny of their hits?
-What – like? Mike Nesbith, leader o' the UUP, said he thought love was only true in fairy tales an' for someone else but not for him.
-But then he saw her face.
-Now he's a believer.
-Not a trace.
-Of doubt in his mind.
-He's in love.
-Ooooh ooooh – .
-The IRA in Game o' Thrones. That'd be good.
-They're in it already. The fuckin' Wildling

[Orior]

Notable Out of Office messages:

1. I am on vacation from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy. I will allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email.

2. I am on paid leave right now for two weeks. When I get back, I will be on paid return. Upon completing my one week of paid return, I will address any issues or questions you have at a pace I am comfortable with.  This is most likely a pace that you will not be comfortable with.

3. I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.

4. I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow, at which time I will promptly delete all of your emails.

5. Hey there, could you give me a call instead? I'd rather deal with this over the phone. If I don't answer, just keep trying. I've been having issues with my phone.

6. I am currently out of the office. I have a cell phone, but I will not be giving it to you. If you can guess the number, I will take your call.

7. I will be out of the office from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy without access to email. If this is an emergency, please call 911.

8. I'm out of the office. If you have immediate questions or concerns, please contact my manager [insert name here]. If your questions or concerns are not immediate, you might want to ask yourself why you emailed me.

9. I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.

10. I am currently in the office but swamped with work. This work was probably due to something you already requested. If you are sending me another request, go ahead and recall your email now.

11. I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.

12. I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks notice and never respond to your email.

13. I am away at lunch. You should consider trying it. P.S. - This is not an invitation.

14. Seacrest out.

15. I like balloons and cheese.

16. I am currently out of the office and probably out-of-my-mind drunk.  Enjoy your work week.

17. I am currently in the bathroom dropping a deuce. If this is an urgent matter, it only takes me about 2-3 minutes to take a dump, wipe my butt, properly wash my hands of fecal matter, and return to my desk.  Feel free to stop by my desk later and give me a high five!

18. (For men only) I am currently out of the office on maternity leave.

19. I am in the office but completely incapacitated by the monsterous Chinese buffet lunch I ate earlier today.  It would be best if your questions waited until tomorrow.  Thanks.

20. I am away from the office at this moment.  I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment.  If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment. Moment. Moment.

21. I'm away from my desk right now.  I still have my cubicle, but someone took my desk.  I went looking for it.  I'll respond to you when my desk gets back to my cubicle.

22. (For females only) I'm on vacation through the 23rd.  If you have any questions, issues, or concerns, please feel free to call my colleague [insert name here] while I'm out.  If you're a single guy, good looking, and want to travel to Mexico to have a little "fun", call me at [insert phone number here].

23. I'm out of the office due to a family emergency. Our DVR is on the fritz. I will return to work upon a succesful recording of Law & Order SVU on the USA network.

24. At doctor. Peepee like fire.

25. (For man or woman) I decided to take the morning off.  Long story, but I have to drop off Pat O'Brien after an evening of one too many cocktails and copious amounts of booger sugar.  I will respond to your email when I arrive at noon.

[muppet]