Quote from: Substandard on March 25, 2025, 11:26:24 PM10 years ago, I had the finer details of my suicide more or less arranged. I had it all set up to look like a fishing accident- in my little head, it would make things easier for my parents and siblings.
I can't pinpoint any one reason why I didn't follow through, nor can I pick something significant that changed things, which is a balls because it could be a very useful help for anyone else in a similar position.
I had gone to one doctor and described some of the things that were happening physically (seizing up in anxiety or panic attacks), behaviour-wise (I was finding it utterly exhausting trying to project a normal disposition at home and in work), and socially (I could handle football training sessions and matches, I actually enjoyed that, but after used every excuse under the sun to avoid having to socialise. Doubtless some thought I was getting into dairying, there was so many 'cows calving').
The doctor was old school, near retirement. He more or less dismissed it, telling me not to think so much. Oh f**ing grand, it that all it was?
The next lad was far more helpful, couple of good chats, referrals if I wanted, and good practices within a schedule, and after if there was no change, he'd prescribe medication. That probably turned the wheel enough. I still had a fair bit of heavy lifting to do myself, and through reading and drawing my own conclusions, things changed, bit by bit.
I'm so thankful that never in the last 10 years have I ever been as low, and for whatever reasoning, I don't envisage getting to that stage again. I still have those days, and wobbles now and then, but unlike back then, now I can react and steady the ship- I can deal with them fully or piecemeal, but I don't let them accumulate or take me over.
I suppose my point is that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a cliche. It will come, eventually, no matter what. You just have to give yourself the chance. There are always means for getting back control, for getting yourself into the driver's seat in your mind, and not just being an unwilling and frightened passenger in your own mind.
If you happen to be in that spiral, or going through a tough phase where you don't even feel like yourself, keep going. There are ways for everyone, and you'll find yours.
If you ever want to hear a bit more or have any questions you want to ask, let us know. I'm no guru, I'm no professional, I mightn't have many answers, but I'll try my best. All I know is I'm here, and life is good. It's not perfect, but it's better than being a 10 year old statistic and a headstone.
Great post. And some great advice in there too. Fair play.