Corny One for Friday

[Armagh4SamAgain]

I was toll that happened in Croke Pk. Were u at rthe Glasgow consert?

[5 Sams]

That sounds like the same wee Japanese man who approached Cliff Richard when he was singing songs at Wimbledon a few years ago during a downpour when play had stopped.

He asked Sir Cliff to sing "Itchy Fanny".

Cliff was slighty taken aback by the request and reluctantly asked the wee Japanese bloke to sing the first line as he didnt recognise the title of the song.

Yer wee man starts into it......."Itchy Fanny....., why we don't talk anymore"

[Armagh4SamAgain]

1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning andit was amazing!" (Pat Glenn – weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." ( New Zealand rugby commentator, Murray Mexted).

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it,
which is identical." ( Murray Walker )

7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg
Norman)

8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the Same
thing again." (Terry Venables)

9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio commenatator).

12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the
air for even longer." (David Acfield)

13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?" (Stuart Hall Radio 5 live)

14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics 1976)

15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

17. A CNN female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ....
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

[Armagh4SamAgain]

A drunk staggers into the Chapel,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either

[ziggysego]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[ziggysego]

Man in hospital wearing oxygen mask....
"Nurse" he mumbles......." are my testicles black?".
Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "there is nothing wrong with them sir".
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly......"thanks for that, it was wonderful but listen very, very carefully........Are - my - test - results - back ? "

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"

A) A Peanut

B) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realised that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

[Candyman]

The groundsman at Croke Park is worried about the state of the grass  after the rugby games, and thinks he might need to fertilize it. Steve Staunton tells him not to worry, that he is going to be putting a pile of shite on it in a few weeks time!!!

[el_cuervo_fc]

Tommy Cooper one-liners

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What?
Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"How's that? "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either
my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

[illdecide]

>>Subject: FW: lipstick in school
>>
>>
>>Lipstick in School -- Priceless!! Ya gotta love this principal.
>>
>>According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was

>>recently faced with a unique problem.
>>
>>A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would

>>put it on in the bathroom.
>>
>>That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press

>>their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>>
>>Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the
>>girls would put them back.
>>
>>Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
>>all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man.
>>
>>She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem

>>for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
>>
>>To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
>>the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
>>
>>He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
>>the mirror with it.
>>
>>Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>>
>>There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[illdecide]

Think before you speak...

 
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.   
Have you ever spoken and wished that you  could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who  did....
 
 
FIRST  TESTIMONY:
 
 
I walked into a  hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,   
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around  and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
 
 
SECOND  TESTIMONY:
 
 
I was at the golf  store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the  women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was  approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the  store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
 
 
THIRD  TESTIMONY:
 
 
My sister and I  were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy  and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
 
 
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
 
 
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let m e go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of  laughter
 
 
FIFTH  TESTIMONY:
 
 
Have you ever asked  your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of  problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we  stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.   
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty  in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I  kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't  have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't  have an accident?"   
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he  must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.   
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"   
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people  nearly  choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the  best laugh they'd ever had!
 
 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
 
 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed  female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she  speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed t o have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[illdecide]

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only down-under

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[Windmill abu]

51 things we have learned from the movies:

1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

32. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

33. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

34. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

35. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

36. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

37. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

39. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

40. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

41. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

42. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

43. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

44. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

45. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

46. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

47. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

48. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

49. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

50. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

51. Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.

[DrinkingHarp]

On the first day of school the students brought in gifts for their teacher.

Katherine the daughter of the candy maker brought in a box of sweets.
The teacher says " thank you you for the lovely treats".

Michael the son of the florist brought in a nice vase of flowers.
Teacher " oh Michael the roses are beautiful"

Marie the daughter of the produce man brings in a basket of fruit.
Teacher " these apples are just wonderful".

Kevin the son of the liquor store owner brings in a big heavy box with liquid dripping of the bottom corner.
Teacher dips her finger in the liquid and tastes it. "Kevin is this wine ?"  No teacher its .. Kevin ? as she tastes it again is it champaign? " No teacher Im trying to tell ya its.... " Kevin this must be a brandy"as she tastes it again.

Kevin " teacher if you give me a minute I am trying to tell you we got you a puppy".

[Windmill abu]

Unusual Sporting Injuries

The Date Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.

Arsenal's Perry Groves was on the bench When Arsenal went scored  he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from the physio.

Back in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.

David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote.

In 1970 the career of Brentford's Goalie Chic Brodie was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.

Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection

Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.

Indonesian star Mistar, 25, was tragically killed by a herd of pigs that invaded his team's training pitch before a Cup fixture in 1995.

Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.

In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!

Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.

Irish International Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control

Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win

David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.

Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye

Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.

Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.

Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin

Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.

Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board. We don't know if he was ironing at the time.

Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there. 

Spain (and Valencia) keeper Santiago Canizares was ruled out of the 2002 World Cup finals after a bottle of aftershave dropped on his foot caused cuts and serious tendon damage.

David Beckham needed stitches above his left eye following a dressing room incident after Arsenal's 2-0 FA Cup win at Old Trafford on 15th Feb 2003. The injury was caused by his manager Sir Alex Ferguson kicking a football boot at him.

Crystal Palace keeper Alex Kolinko was hit around the head by his boss Trevor Francis in October 2002. Kolinko was on the bench, and Francis took offence when he laughed at their conceding a goal. The FA fined Francis 1000 pounds over the incident.

In 1996, Grimsby manager Brian Laws broke midfielder Ivan Bonetti's cheekbone after the Italian threw food at him in a dressing-room row. Laws escaped punishment, but they both were forced to make public apologies.

Shaun Goater injured a foot while playing for Man City against Birmingham in the autumn for 2003. The injury was sustained when he kicked an advertising hoarding in celebration of a goal by Nic Anelka. Goater had to be substituted.

Also in 2003, Villa striker Darius Vassell injured himself while attempting DIY surgery on his own foot. He had a blood blister under the toe-nail on his big toe and was using a power drill to drill through the nail and drain the wound. Drilling to drain such blisters is not an uncommon procedure, but normally it is conducted by a qualified person under sterile conditions. Vassell made it worse, picked up an infection, and had to have half the nail removed.

Stalybridge Celtic keeper Mark Statham missed a game in 1999 after trapping his head in a car door. We presume that his absence was caused by a resulting injury (rather than that he was still stuck in the car at kick-off) but we don't know what the injury was.

Halifax defender Dave Robinson put his shoulder out falling off a kid's slide