More Surprise News (The Onion)

[Billys Boots]

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church April 21, 2009

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.

Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.  Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.

"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."  The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.

According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.  Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.  "I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."

"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."  While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.

Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.  The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.  "I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."  "Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."

Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.  "God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."
"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"

[The Subbie]

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church April 21, 2009 

"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller." 

The other 112 church members avoided God entirely

[Billys Boots]

Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About, April 22, 2009 |

NEW YORK—Sources at The New Yorker said a new article by investigative journalist Seymour Hersh "blows the lid completely off" a subject matter far too soul-crushing for the human brain to process. Hersh, renowned for breaking stories on events such as the My Lai Massacre and Abu Ghraib, is said to have plumbed every last, depressing detail of the newly uncovered topic, which likely involves an inconceivable combination of violence, drunken abuses of power, wanton disregard for the sanctity of human life, and a chain of deceit and corruption leading all the way to the top. According to a recent poll, none of The New Yorker's nearly 1 million subscribers had summoned the strength to crack the story's first paragraph, instead turning to the new Roz Chast cartoon on the next page.

[Billys Boots]

Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel, May 8, 2009 | Issue 45•19

BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.

Unless ticket sales climb, producers say they'll redirect the funding from 16 indie films into Coyote Ugly II.
The original movie—which follows a small-town girl who supports her songwriting dreams by taking a job as one of many scantily clad barmaids at a New York City hot spot—was widely considered by critics to be a vapid cultural travesty. According to Touchstone Pictures president Peter Zaiff, however, if the nation doesn't continue to blindly accept all products distributed by the entertainment industry, he'll produce a sequel to the film that "makes the first Coyote Ugly look like On The f**king Waterfront."
"We are dead serious, you assholes," Zaiff said. "You're going to like what we tell you to like, end-of-f**king-story. Now fill up those seats, or so help me God, it's Coyote Ugly II: Get Uglier."
"I'll get Rachel Bilson to star in this piece of shit right now," added Zaiff, sneering and brandishing a BlackBerry. "She's the worst."
Zaiff said that not only would Touchstone do everything in its power to make the sequel the most repellant, soulless, pandering film ever released, but that all of the resources of the studio, as well as those of its parent company Walt Disney, would be dedicated to promoting the film.

If you think Tyra Banks won't sign on for this pile of garbage again, you're dead f**king wrong.
"For six months you won't be able to do so much as buy a cup of coffee without having to stare at ads for this pile of puke," Zaiff said. "We'll inundate you with so many promotions and cross-promotions, you'll see the logo in your nightmares. Anytime you look at a screen it will be completely plastered with the faces of whatever MTV rejects we decide to cast in this abortion."
"Get ready to herd your fat asses in to watch it, you fat fucks," added Zaiff, promising to release the movie after awards season, but before summer blockbusters arrive, so there will be nothing else for moviegoers to see.
Zaiff threatened that LeAnn Rimes, who scored a major pop hit with the song "Can't Fight The Moonlight" on the soundtrack of the first film, would record a new song for the sequel titled "(Still) Can't Fight The Moonlight." Additionally, industry insiders have indicated that Coyote Ugly II will have so little respect for its audience's intelligence that everyone who appears on screen will wear a Pepsi T-shirt at all times.
Zaiff emphasized that even the most discerning movie fans will have little choice but to watch the new film.
"And for all you snobby fucks who say you wouldn't come within a mile of this f**king movie, we've got plans for you, too," Zaiff said. "You're not safe from this shit-show. Who's your favorite actor? Frank Langella? Malkovich? How about John-f**king-Malkovich? We'll dangle so much money in front of his face he'll sell out faster than a five-dollar whore."
"Just try us," Zaiff continued. "I swear to God, I will personally dig up Stanley Kubrick's rotting corpse and attach him to this project myself if I have to."
If his studio's balance sheet doesn't improve, Zaiff has promised to use his connections to ensure that a shot-for-shot remake of Fast & Furious appears in theaters the moment the original version heads to DVD. Still, he maintained that his company's vitriol was about more than financial profit. The threats, he said, were primarily intended to let the nation know exactly what the entertainment industry is capable of.
"You sorry bastards don't get it, do you?" Zaiff said. "It's not about the money. It's about who calls the shots. I'll burn the f**king profits—I don't care. Or we'll use it to make Coyote Ugly III. And Coyote Ugly IV. How would you dicks like that? Get it through your thick f**king skulls: You do what we tell you to do."
The response across the country has been largely compliant, with many Americans apologizing publicly and promising to see every film released, regardless of quality.
"For the love of God, anything but a Coyote Ugly sequel," said filmgoer John Deenan, who vividly remembers suffering though years of the first film on cable. "Please, I'll do whatever they want. I swear."
"Although, I'd probably go see it if they made it," Deenan added.

[Billys Boots]

Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again, May 4, 2009

WASHINGTON—After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this week that it is once again ready to be lied to about the current state of the financial system.

Tired of hearing the grim truth about their economic future, Americans demanded that the bald-faced lies resume immediately, particularly whenever politicians feel the need to divulge another terrifying problem with Wall Street, the housing market, or any one of a hundred other ticking time bombs everyone was better off not knowing about.

In addition, citizens are requesting that the phrase, "It will only get worse before it gets better," be permanently replaced with, "Things are going great. Enjoy yourselves."

"I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability, but honestly, I just can't handle it," Ohio resident Nathan Pletcher said. "All I ever hear about now is how my retirement has been pushed back 15 years and how I won't be able to afford my daughter's tuition when she grows up."  "From now on, just tell me the bullshit I want to hear," Pletcher added. "Tell me my savings are okay, everybody has a job, and we're No. 1 again. Please, just lie to my face."

The national call for decreased candor began last month, after the Department of Labor released another soul-crushing report that most Americans agreed "wasn't helping anything" and "didn't need to be so specific, at least."

The report estimated that 663,000 private and public sector jobs were lost in the month of March—a revealing statistic many people found shockingly blunt. Responding to the new information, an overwhelming majority of citizens said they believe that, during these extremely uncertain times, our leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything from misappropriations of taxpayer dollars to the severity of the credit crisis.
"I don't need to be constantly reminded that the lack of regulations on Wall Street compounded with failing institutions like AIG basically plunged the world economy into a global recession," said 32-year-old office manager Alexis Harrington. "What I want is for someone to tell me with a straight face that the GDP is through the roof so that I can feel better and instantly forget what all these terms even mean."

"For the first time in my life I know who the secretary of the treasury is," Harrington continued. "And I don't like it."  Reluctantly informed citizens like Harrington have also asked that CEOs of the nation's five largest banks release a joint statement saying that the October bailout worked perfectly, normal lending has resumed, and that we're nowhere close to having the entire monetary system collapse upon itself like a house of cards.

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 98 percent of Americans no longer appreciate President Barack Obama's attempts to break down the economic crisis into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say the president should have the decency to insult their intelligence by using complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying that the subprime mortgage fallout was just a big misunderstanding that resulted from a clerical error.

"I know when he's telling the truth, and it bothers me," recently laid-off schoolteacher Mary Hanover said of Obama. "He gets this serious expression on his face and says things like, 'This is the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.' Who needs to hear that? For Christ's sake, smile a bit and say we just found a diamond mine under Montana that's going to pay for everything. I'll believe you."

"Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old," Sacramento resident David Cooke, 64, wrote in a letter to Congress. "I lost everything when the Dow tanked, and I'm too old to start working again, so why punish me further by explaining in detail the clever ways these investment firms ripped me off and how they're all going to get away with it?"

Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to their constituents' requests, saying they respect and understand the public's need for dishonesty.
"I think we can accommodate the American people on this," Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters. "Why, just today we made excellent progress with GM, whose CEO Fritz Henderson told us that every penny of federal and taxpayer funds would go directly to the construction of three new auto plants in Detroit that will create over 90,000 new jobs and spark the economic rebound we've been waiting for."

Continued Reid, "Things are looking very, very bright."

[Declan]

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/05/the-daily-wrap-7.html

[Billys Boots]

Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe, May 15, 2009 | Issue 45•20

BEAVERTON, OR—In yet another first for the world's premier athletic footwear manufacturer, Nike announced Tuesday the nationwide launch of the Air Fornicator, a lightweight copulating shoe designed to maximize sexual performance. The newly released Air Fornicators promise better traction during coitus.

"Nike is proud to continue its commitment to new and innovative products with the first ever sneaker developed exclusively for sex," president and CEO Mark Parker said. "Stylishly sculpted and contoured for enhanced comfort, the featherlight Air Fornicator provides superior energy return to reduce fatigue and boost the libido."
"With this shoe you will last longer, experience more pleasure, and f**k smarter," Parker added.  According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's cutting-edge support system creates maximum foot stability, which in turn improves coital alignment, increases clitoral stimulation, and deepens penetration. The revolutionary midsole component reportedly works to adapt to the user's pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding.

Retailing for $175, the Air Fornicator will be available in high-tops and low-tops and in a variety of passion-inducing color schemes. Nike design engineers subjected the Air Fornicators to a battery of erotic tests on multiple surfaces.

Senior Nike footwear designer Barry Hudson said the shoe's outer sole was constructed from a durable carbonized rubber to improve grip, enhance traction, and prevent slipping on a variety of surfaces, including carpeting, concrete, wallpaper, hardwood, and silk. In addition, Hudson claimed that the rounded CliMax-brand air heel facilitates more efficient thrusting and lustful pounding.

"We made dozens of adjustments to the tread pattern to ensure balance, as well as proper support for arched backs," Hudson said. "And the soles were designed to minimize sliding around in bodily fluids. You can make love standing up in a puddle of massage oil and you won't fall down."   Nike's research department performed thousands of trials on the Air Fornicator over a 16-month period, including a number of stamina tests and other off-site experiments intended to gauge the intercourse shoe's robustness. Engineers, who observed couples in a variety of sexual positions, found several cases in which the Air Fornicator suddenly flew loose during intense coitus, a problem they remedied by tightening the lacing pattern and adding a Velcro strap for security.

A nationwide marketing campaign for the copulation sneaker will debut this Friday with a 60-second television ad scheduled to air on all major networks. The ad, shot in black-and-white and accompanied by the Led Zepellin song "Whole Lotta Love," features a montage of several slow-motion scenes. These include a shot of a sweat-covered man pleasuring his wife, who reaches climax seconds later, shattering their bed's headboard; a high-angled pan of a woman rolling her wheelchair up a steep hill while making love to her partner; and finally, a close-up of an Olympic runner, who bends over to lace up his Air Fornicators, before the camera pulls back to reveal his teammate approaching from behind with a strap-on dildo.

Sales for the new shoe are expected to be strong."My wife enjoys it when I make love to her, but I usually wind up feeling tired and sore," focus group volunteer Michael Nelson said. "Since getting the Air Fornicators, though, I've been giving it to her all the time. It hardly even feels like f**king anymore."

While Nike marketers found that consumers responded favorably to the product's claim of helping them "get into the erogenous zone," a small percentage were still not convinced.

"I'm not going to spend $175 on an intercourse shoe when I only have sex like once a month at most," Dallas native Erica Graham said. "They would probably just sit in the closet and gather dust."

[deiseach]

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job, November 5, 2008 | Issue 44•45

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

[Billys Boots]

Some news here that should bother some of our members.

Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture

NEW YORK—A Columbia University study released Tuesday suggests that viewing fewer than four hours of television a day severely inhibits a person's ability to ridicule popular culture.

"An hour or two of television per day simply does not provide enough information to effectively mock mediocre sitcoms, vapid celebrities, music videos, and talk-show hosts—an essential skill in modern society," said Dr. Madeleine Ben-Ami, a professor of cognitive science and chief author of the study. "The average person requires a minimum of four to six hours of television programming each day to be conversant on the subject of The Apprentice or able to impersonate Anna Nicole Smith."

Tracking 800 individuals between the ages of 15 and 39, researchers found that people who watch fewer than four hours of television a day have difficulty understanding the references made on VH1's Best Week Ever, and are often unable to point out the absurdity of infomercial products or the cluelessness of American Idol finalists.

"Study participants who watched television inconsistently were less personally invested in what they saw than regular viewers," Ben-Ami said. "While some sporadic viewers were able to enjoy jokes made by others, they were unable to make jokes of their own. The regular viewers averaged 12 celebrity-related sarcastic asides per hour, while the uninformed viewers made almost none."

The contrast between regular and irregular TV viewers was made plain by a simple experiment: Irregular and regular TV viewers were videotaped while watching footage of Michael Jackson.

"Note how this young man remains calm, observing the series of photographs quietly," said Ben-Ami, pointing to one of two monitors running footage of individual study participants. "Meanwhile, his counterpart laughs uproariously, pretends to gag, and feigns sexual intercourse with a throw pillow. Seconds later, he leaves his seat to execute some kind of '80s-style breakdance and injures himself, probably because of his excessive weight."

"The first man doesn't have a television," Ben-Ami added gravely. "The other man watches an average of 40 hours of network and cable programming each week."

Ben-Ami said study participants who watched fewer than 28 hours per week were unable to ridicule Paris Hilton "with any specificity whatsoever."

"By incorporating Paris Hilton into our oral interviews, we provided participants with an easy opportunity to 'riff' on the heiress," Ben-Ami said. "Nevertheless, non-TV viewers reacted to softball questions like 'What's up with Paris' hair extensions?' with monosyllabic shrugs or bemused silence. It was like they were completely ignorant of her many skanky attributes and laughable traits."

Ben-Ami said she and her colleagues fear that, if it is not corrected, television illiteracy could result in an American sub-group unable to function in the modern world.

"Because the ridicule of pop culture comprises the bulk of today's social discourse, a non-viewer is at a distinct disadvantage in the workplace, on campus, and in the dating scene," Ben-Ami said. "An employee who can't participate in jokes about Ashlee Simpson's disastrous Orange Bowl appearance will sit dumbfounded while a more able coworker ingratiates himself to the boss by laughing. And just as the bird with the most colorful plumage attracts the most attention, so too does the bar-TV viewer who yells, 'Have a sandwich before you faint!' when Mary-Kate Olsen appears on screen."

The study's findings have triggered concern among parents across the country.

"I don't want my 10-year-old to enter college without the ability to mock boy bands," said Myra Savage of Phoenix. "I want him to excel, like those kids who form campus sketch troupes or win college-wide trivia contests. Should I make him cut down on his reading?"

University of Colorado communication arts professor N. Clyde Graf said parents should nurture their children's enthusiasm for pop culture by having them watch a minimum of four hours of television each day, with at least two of those hours falling during prime time.

"As a TV-literate child grows into adolescence, he begins to develop either moody contempt or perverse love for camp," Graf said. "Both attitudes are vital to the informed ridicule of pop culture."

Graf said parents should encourage children by example.

"Don't instruct your child to turn on Nanny 911 and then go and watch educational television right in front of them," Graf said. "They should only be watching PBS once they've attained the level of jaded detachment that will allow them to find humor in low-budget sets, nerdy hosts, and clichéd, Ken Burns-style pan-and-scan direction."

Graf said that, without supersaturation in the worst forms of the medium, children will treat television as a source of passive entertainment.

"Long gone are the days when an individual would switch on his set and enjoy a simple, satisfying, and fun hour of diversion," Graf said. "To perceive television this way is to be hopelessly out of step with our times."

[Hardy]

Like all the best humour, it's disturbingly close to the  truth.

[deiseach]

Like all the best humour, it's disturbingly close to the  truth.

Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack, September 26, 2001 | Issue 37•34

The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand. What should you tell your child when he or she asks why this happened? Obviously, there's no easy answer, but the following is a start:

Sit your child down, and gently explain to him or her that the destruction of the Twin Towers was part of a Holy War, or jihad, against the U.S. perpetrated by a small faction of Islamic fundamentalists bent on the annihilation of Western society.

As your child may or may not know, much of modern Islamic fundamentalism has its roots in the writings of Sayyid Qutb, whose two-year sojourn to the U.S. in the late 1940s convinced him that Western society and non-Islamic ideologies were flawed and corrupt. Over the course of the next several decades, his writings became increasingly popular throughout the Arab world, including Afghanistan.

Patiently explain to your child that in 1979, the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan, outraging the U.S. Determined to stem the tide of communism, the U.S. provided Afghanistan with military support in the form of weapons and training. Among the beneficiaries of this support were many of Qutb's radical-fundamentalist adherents. These fundamentalists eventually took over Afghanistan in the form of a group called the Taliban. Militarized and radicalized by years of war, Taliban leaders turned against the U.S., which long supported them in their fight against the occupying Soviets but eventually came to be seen as the embodiment of Western immorality.

You should also let your child know that among those supported by the Taliban is Osama bin Laden, a Saudi multi-millionaire and terrorist who for years has taken refuge in encampments in the rugged hills of Afghanistan. Like his Taliban brethren, bin Laden believes that the U.S. is guilty of apostasy and should be punished accordingly.

Your child will likely ask why bin Laden is so angry at the U.S. Explain to him or her that much of his anger is rooted in the fact that, during the Gulf War, the U.S. stationed troops in Saudi Arabia, the nation that is home to the Islamic holy cities of Mecca and Medina. Bin Laden was further angered by America's post-Gulf War efforts to oust Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein by imposing an embargo against his nation.

No doubt, your child will have more questions. He or she will likely want to know what role other terrorist groups played in the attack, as well as what destabilizing effects a U.S. invasion of Afghanistan could have on the increasingly volatile political climate in Pakistan. Hopefully, though, the above will serve as a start, helping your child better understand why the bad men did this terrible thing.

[Billys Boots]

Posted in honour of Evil Genius and GNevin. 

Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence

NEW YORK—Wikipedia, the online, reader-edited encyclopedia, honored the 750th anniversary of American independence on July 25 with a special featured section on its main page Tuesday.

"It would have been a major oversight to ignore this portentous anniversary," said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, whose site now boasts over 4,300,000 articles in multiple languages, over one-quarter of which are in English, including 11,000 concerning popular toys of the 1980s alone. "At 750 years, the U.S. is by far the world's oldest surviving democracy, and is certainly deserving of our recognition," Wales said. "According to our database, that's 212 years older than the Eiffel Tower, 347 years older than the earliest-known woolly-mammoth fossil, and a full 493 years older than the microwave oven."

"In fact," added Wales, "at three-quarters of a millennium, the USA has been around almost as long as technology."

The commemorative page is one of the most detailed on the site, rivaling entries for Firefly and the Treaty Of Algeron for sheer length. Subheadings include "Origins Of Colonial Discontent," "Some Famous Guys In Wigs And Three-Cornered Hats," and "Christmastime In Gettysburg." It also features detailed maps of the original colonies—including Narnia, the central ice deserts, and Westeros—as well as profiles of famous American historical figures such as Benjamin Franklin, Special Agent Jack Bauer, and Samuel Adams who is also a defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals.

"On July 25, 1256, delegates gathered at Comerica Park to sign the Declaration Of Independence, which rejected the rule of the British over its 15 coastal North American colonies," reads an excerpt from the entry. "Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG*** know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States Of America."

"All our lives, we are taught about the achievements of Washington, Jefferson, and FAG, but we seldom consider the factors and conditions that led them to risk everything for a republican cause," Wales said. "What was it really like to be a patriot in those times? How did the colonists' perception of democracy conform and contrast with our modern one? Did Betsy Ross, as legend has it, really have the biggest boobies in the New World? It's these types of questions I want Wikipedia to be a forum for, all at the click of a mouse."

The exhaustive entry also includes links to video clips of the First Thanksgiving, hosted by YouTube.

The special anniversary tribute refutes many myths about the period and American history. According to the entry, the American Revolution was in fact instigated by Chuck Norris, who incinerated the Stamp Act by looking at it, then roundhouse-kicked the entire British army into the Atlantic Ocean. A group of Massachusetts Minutemaids then unleashed the zombie-generating T-Virus on London, crippling the British economy and severely limiting its naval capabilities.

The entry also addresses several traditionally taboo subjects, such as the influence of LSD on the drafting of the Constitution and the role of funk-slaves in painting the White House black.

While other news and information websites chose to mark the anniversary in a muted fashion, if at all, Wikipedia gave it prominent emphasis over other important historical events from the same day, including the independence of the nation of Africa in 1847, the 1984 ascension of Constantine to Emperor of the Holy Roman Emperor, and the 1998 birth of Smokey, a calico cat belonging to Mark and Becky Rousch of Erie, PA.

Founder Wales, a closeted homosexual and hot-dog freak, according to his user-edited bio on the site, also hosted a symposium of amateur historians at the New School in New York on Saturday.

"The Revolution's main adversaries were the patriots and the people from Braveheart," said speaker Tim Capodice, who has edited hundreds of Wikipedia entries on subjects as diverse as Euclidian geometry and Ratfucking. "The patriots, being a rag-tag group of misfits, almost lost on several occasions. But after a string of military antics and a convoluted scheme involving chicken feathers and an inflatable woman, the British were eventually defeated despite a last-minute surge, by a score of 89-87."

Despite spirited discussions bloggers present later described as "eluminating" and "sweet," the symposium was cut short when differences of opinion among the panelists degenerated into personal insults and name-calling.

While Wikipedia's "American Inderpendance" page remains available to all site visitors, administrators have suspended additions and further edits to its content due to vandalism.

[Declan]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed

[stpauls]

OOPS!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm

[Declan]

http://www.nerdist.com/2010/01/onion-news-network-vh1-slut-spill/